During the late Nineties, I spent some time writing novels. I’ve always been a voracious reader and, like many people, have dreamt of writing my own books. I did what I always do: I signed up for classes, both online and in person. I got involved with the community. I even wrote a class. I wrote some novels, of course. I continued this for a few years and then walked away.

I can’t remember one instance that made me stop but maybe I got busy. It was around the time I joined TFA so I am guessing life just got in the way. But I never picked it back up again.

Over the years, I’ve revisited the goal a few times. Each time I made a wish, life, mondo-beyondo or any other list, “write and publish a novel” always made it to the list. After the mondo-beyondo class, I even signed up for a fiction writing class but I just wasn’t feeling it.

So I decided maybe it was time to put this particular dream to rest.

Well, of course it won’t stay dormant for long because each time I see someone else publish a book, a piece of me wishes I did it, too.

But here’s the thing: I don’t know if I like to write. Many writers will say they feel a strong need to tell stories. That they write cause they have to. They want to. They feel to pull. Etc. etc.

Me…not so much.

I think I like the idea of having written more than the writing. I think I like the idea of having my published book. More than telling stories that are inside me, itching to get out. I like having it all done. Not doing it.

Which makes me believe this is not something I should be dreaming of. Not something I should be aiming for. If I don’t have the strong desire to write, I am likely not going to enjoy all that it takes to get a book out there. As it is, for those who crave the writing, it’s a long and difficult process to actually get a book published. So it seems silly for me to aim for it.

I am learning to differentiate between wanting to do something and wanting to have done it. One is about enjoying the process and the other is about looking good. Since life is all about the journey, the process, the steps along the way, I think it’s best to spend my time with things I love to do. And not things I will suffer through just to have it be done.

Life’s all about enjoying the journey. Enjoying the doing.

So maybe it’s time to permanently say goodbye to this one dream.

I woke up this morning and I was tired. I sleep for over eight hours, so I can’t imagine that’s it, but maybe it is. Maybe my body needs nine hours. Anyway. Then I started my morning routine. Exercised, showered, we all got dressed, ate breakfast, and then sketched. Then I started work. But I was still tired. More importantly, I was moody.

If I am honest with myself, I’ve been moody for some time now. I am trying to snap out of it and I have had moments of joy and even days full of contentment. But there’s an underlying moodiness. One of those periods when negative thoughts pop into my head way more often than positive ones. When my drive and willingness to do anything is low. (Which of course perpetuates the cycle since I won’t do what it takes to snap myself out of it.)

And I am sort of unpredictable. Even in the middle of joy, a tiny word or action can take me back down to the annoyed/moody place. Not depressed but cranky.

If you asked me what’s going on, I can tell you long stories about it. I have many reasons why all these things are happening. But, the fact is, most of the reasons are bullshit. (sorry for the cursing, i generally try not do that here but i needed something stronger than ‘made up’.) I mean, sure, things could be better. But, really, there’s just no reason for me to be the way I am being. There’s no reason to go through life this way. Doing the motions. And looking at every single thing with a pessimistic bias. I was watching this talk on the optimism bias today and kept thinking how I just don’t function that way. I am pessimistic about the future. Maybe not pessimistic but anxious. I worry all the time. All.the.time. My mind goes to the most negative outcome possible. It definitely doesn’t serve me.

But back to my moodiness. Years ago, I took this class that basically said that we go through different emotions mostly for chemical reasons. Happy. Sad. None of them mean anything. We like to attribute meaning to a good day and to a bad day but most of it is just chemical. (Obviously not when something significant happens and your mood changes right then, like being proposed to or getting in a car accident, etc. But on any ordinary day.) And, while I am not sure I buy this thought, I love the idea of reminding myself that “It doesn’t mean anything.” So today I woke up moody. So what.

Attributing meaning tends to do one of two things for me. I make it someone else’s problem which means it’s out of my hands; I am hopeless to fix it. So now it’s not in my control and I just sit here and feel small, out of control, frustrated. Or I make it this big problem that needs to be solved and I can’t be happy until it is. This puts me into the postponement world. So I hold happiness hostage until the issue is resolved. And if it’s something I can’t resolve soon, well I get to be unhappy.

Both of these are ridiculous.

At the moment, I am stuck in some situations that I am not happy with. But I took some time and decided I am not ready to change them yet. The outcome of change could be much worse than how things are. And I am just not willing to take that risk yet. This puts me in scenario two above. I can’t solve it. And I attribute almost all my moodiness to these situations. I hear myself thinking “if this and that were different…” then I get to be happy. Then I can quit being moody. Then I can enjoy my life.

Ok I won’t curse again but I am thinking the same word.

So. I decided today that next time I am moody, I am going to do three things:

1. Remember that it doesn’t mean anything. It will go away. My moods do change. And this one will, too.
2. Remember that it was my choice to leave the situation as is. I am choosing this so I need to choose to work with it and to not let it get to me. To find my way through it. But that the choice is mine and I am not trapped.
3. Remember to journal gratitudes. I have been doing this on and off and I noticed that I do truly get happier when I do it.

So here we are. I know this is a bit all over the place. But if you’re in the same place as I am where you feel a bit stuck and feel moody but are in a situation you’re not ready to change just yet, maybe some of these will help you, too.

One other thing I am trying to do is to do more of the activities that bring joy to me. Art, friends, TV, hugging my kids whatever it is. I am trying not to judge, but to do them all.

You can never have too much joy, if you ask me.

A few weeks ago, I was reflecting back upon my life and the different milestones I’ve been through. I did this exercise for Brave Girls’ Soul Restoration class about 18 months ago. I remember it was quite profound and eye-opening then. What I realized recently is that, even though I tend to worry a lot in the present and about the future, I seem to look at the past and mostly remember the good.

I don’t mean far into the past, I still have some rough childhood memories that are bright in my memory. But for anything that happened in the last twenty years, when I look back, none of them seem so bad. I feel like I’ve had a relatively smooth, uninterrupted life. Not just in the big ways (but definitely those too) but in so many little ways too.

I remember most of my life fondly. I feel like each phase served its purpose. I look back upon our years in NYC and remember the trips to Central Park. The library that was so awesome. The cherry blossoms outside our apartment. The movie theater and Borders that were one avenue away. And the bagel store a few blocks down where we spent a lot of Sunday mornings.

I don’t remember the super long and stressful work hours though I know they were there. I don’t remember the frustration with my managers though those were there too. Nor do I remember the endless fights with Jake (especially at the beginning of living together) but I do remember some special anniversary celebrations.

Maybe because there wasn’t one big, bad thing to point at, I just seem to remember it all as a good chapter of my life. The good stuff sticks out more in my memory.

Same goes for Japan, the cross country trip, and San Diego. Even TFA, which was an exceptionally rough time in my life. I just remember so many good moments from all these experiences. Enough to put a smile on my face.

I am not sure why it is that I can look back with no regret and no sorrow but I can’t live this moment with less anxiety and worry. I wonder howcome the two aren’t linked. How come I can be optimistic and pessimistic.

It also made me think a lot about now. And how when I look back upon now, all my struggles will fade away and I’ll remember the good moments of getting to be home with the kids and getting to sit on my couch, etc. So I am going to remember that more when I stress. Remind myself to see the good right now. Those Kodak moments that will stick in my brain. I will pause to pay attention to them now.

And maybe this process will make me more optimistic in the now. Maybe it will help quiet down the worries in my head.

Seems worth a try.

I’ve written quite a bit about how I don’t like to have my photo taken. That post is what started my family photo journey and I am deeply grateful for it. While I still don’t really care to have my photo taken, I’ve grown accustomed to seeing it and I do cherish the family photos very much.

There are many things that bother me about my face (and body) and I can list them for pages and pages. But the one thing that I don’t seem to mind is the lines on my face. I am always surprised when people around me look at their picture and comment on how old they look because of the lines around their mouth or eyes.

To me, that’s just a sign that you lived.

Not only do they not bother me but I am a huge fan of crow’s feet. They mean you smiled.

A lot.

There are signs of aging that are negative (in my opinion) because they point to neglect. Like not taking care of your body or teeth, etc. Like eating unhealthy food and not exercising (moving) enough. I’ve got a lot of these, too. I’ve been working in the last two years to fix these. It’s considerably harder to fix them when you’re as close to your forties as I am. But it’s not impossible. And I believe that anything that makes me stronger and possibly live longer (so I can see my kids grow and have families of their own) is worth trying.

Even the graying of my hair might bother me some times. Though I think that’s more conditioning than my personal opinion. Left to my own devices, I think I would have let my grays grow out. I find other people’s gray hair elegant. But I can see how it might feel unkempt to some people. I can understand gray hair as the sign that we’re getting old cause it’s not something that’s an outcome of something we actively do. It’s just the way hair changes over time.

But the lines are a direct result of smiling a lot. Of living life. Of facial expressions you’ve made over the years. To me, they always, always seem to represent happiness. Joy. It’s like the map of all the good times you’ve had.

I know you might get wrinkles on your forehead from frowning or worrying, too, but the crow’s feet is a clear sign of smiling. I would take a million crow’s feet over sorrow any day of the week.

And twice on Sunday.

Today was a good day.

I know I’ve mentioned it before but I’ve been having a rough time lately. And when I’m in a place like this, I tend to only see the dark and pay attention to the bad. And then these good days get lost completely. They get enveloped inside the black and it’s as if they were never here. As an effort to pause more and pay attention to the good in my life, I wanted to remember this day.

The amazing thing is that no one thing made today a good day. So this read will be boring for most of you and please feel free to skip it.

I woke up at 5:30 with Nathaniel making noises in his crib. I had gone to bed at 9pm the night before so 5:30 was actually not too early, so I got up, got him, and came downstairs. I checked in on work and Nathaniel sat with me for just a few minutes and then David was awake, too. I took both boys in the garage and started my exercise. David read and Nathaniel played with the toys in the garage while I watched movies from Christy’s Your Living Canvas class. I ran my 3 miles and then showered and we all got dressed. (While I was exercising, Jake woke up, showered, and left for work.)

Then we sat down to have breakfast (oatmeal+fruit) and while the kids ate, I read from our current book, Savvy. (We’ve been reading this one for a while.) After breakfast, the kids brushed their teeth and we walked Nathaniel over to his school.

After we dropped Nathaniel off, David and I stopped by the corner store and got a hot chocolate for him and a latte for me and we got a sugary muffin and walked back home. I cut the muffin in half for us to share and started my morning sketch. After I was done sketching, I sat on the couch and started working. David sat next to me and read Harry Potter on the old Sony ereader I have. We both quietly worked for about two hours.

I got one of the bigger items on my work todo list done and one of the major ongoing issues I’ve been tracking had a good day today. So those were some good news for work. I also spent most of the day quietly working and getting things done. At noon, David and I walked back to Nathaniel’s school to pick him up. We ate lunch and then Nathaniel went down for his nap. David worked on his science book, wrote a little and then continued to read Harry Potter. I worked more. When it was time to wake Nathaniel up, David was still engrossed in his book and hadn’t realized quiet time was over.

We all went back down and the kids had a snack while I worked more. Then David got to have his computer time while Nathaniel played or watched him. Then it was time for veggies and dinner. This is the only time in the day that was a bit rough for me. Work’s always a bit extra chaotic during this time of day and the kids don’t just sit and eat. There’s a lot of “Come on, keep eating.” so I tend to get frustrated. Usually Jake’s home to give the kids dinner, but he’s at a conference today.

After the crazy of dinner was over and teeth were brushed again and the gratitude journal was written, we all tidied up the house a bit as the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow and it’s not possible for her to clean if there are toys everywhere. Then we reviewed David’s science work from quiet time. And now the kids are watching 20 minutes of TV (well David’s watching and Nathaniel’s playing) while I take a break and write this. (I also took a 15-minute break earlier today to do my 31 Things writing.)

Assuming Jake’s not back in the next five minutes, I will bathe the kids and then it will be bed time. David gets to finish up one section he missed in his science work and then he can read more Harry Potter (which he’s dying to do) for about an hour before he has to sleep. I was supposed to go to book club tonight but if Jake’s not back in time, I will stay home and do an art journal page instead. If I finish that early, I have photos to process for my Weekly Update and Savor Project. I’ll probably sneak a few looks at work just to make sure all is ok. And then it will be time for bed+book for me, too.

A perfectly ordinary day.

But here’s the thing:

1. I didn’t yell today. Almost at all. I was calm and relaxed for almost every minute of it.
2. There was no emergency at work. No stressful conversations. No unresolvable worries.
3. I loved sitting with my kids and working while they played.
4. I ran three miles.
5. I took two walks outside in the sun (to drop off and pick up Nathaniel.)
6. I worked quietly but diligently and consistently.
7. I did my exercise, sketch, and 31 Things. I also am posting my blog post. I even ate relatively well today.
8. No one cried or whined or fought almost all day.
9. I felt peaceful and not stressed out.

All of these together made for a simple, ordinary, but wonderful day. I have a lot I didn’t do and I’d still like to get organized for the summer. But for this one ordinary day, I feel content, calm, peaceful.

I wish I had a camera that could capture this feeling. But since there isn’t, I am writing it down so I remember.

So I pause.

So I know these days are here too, in the middle of the black. They exist and they sustain me. The dark ones will come again but so will the light ones and I need to let those shine brighter.

So I can remember.

I’ve been doing a lot of writing and thinking lately, partly thanks to the classes I’m taking. As well as Christy’s class that I mentioned yesterday, I’m also taking Ali’s 31 Things class this month, too. I debated a lot with myself over this class, partly cause I was planning on being gone for part of it and I didn’t want to do it halfway and I also wanted to make sure I could take my time with each of the pages. But, in the end, I decided to do it anyway. I did a whole lot of prep so now I feel more confident that I will be able to get through the whole class without stress.

Anyhow, this class has a new “word” everyday to encourage you to write about that topic and yesterday’s topic was “you.” There were some prompts by Ali and as I was filling mine, some of the same thoughts that I’ve had for a few years came back to the surface. With my word, “savor,” this year, I’ve wanted to channel the feeling of calm. Awareness and leaning into the joy, too. But also the calm that comes from being at peace, from not letting things take over.

This morning, I thought I had a meeting at David’s school, so I dropped Nathaniel early and we stopped to get a coffee and then I walked David into his classroom. I still had about 10 minutes before the meeting, so I sat outside in the sunshine and read my mail on my phone. I felt a deep sense of calm. I didn’t have anything I could get done in that ten minutes. I had given myself the time off and I just sat there, basked in the sun. I felt so calm and peaceful.

After I found out the meeting had been cancelled, I drove home and told myself that I would do more of these stolen ten minutes in my day. It’s not good enough to let myself of the hook at home, I need to go out, be in the sun, and just be in that very moment.

And I do think I can do that.

But it’s not enough. What I want to know is how to be calm when everything is happening at once. When people from work are contacting me over IM and my kids are running around making a lot of noise and one of them starts crying and I spill my drink on myself all at the same time. Because these things happen. I seem to have at least four of these every day. Some are smaller moments and others are bigger. But each of them cause me to completely go over the edge. I scream, I feel instantly frustrated, I start seeing black and I lose all sense of reason.

Not to mention calm.

I want to get better at handling these moments. I have two young children. Two boys. I have a demanding job which I am proud of but working hard at. I choose to work from home. I am grateful to work from home. So, since I am marrying my two worlds, and since I love the advantages of that, I’m going to have to find a way to start becoming calmer in the face of chaos.

It’s not even about taking a breath or two (or three). Though I know that helps. But I think I need a more fundamental shift in the way I look at things, in the way I handle things. A combination of changing some things and letting other things go. I haven’t figured out the magic yet. (Far from it.)

But from what I felt of that sense of pure calm and peace today for those ten minutes, I know I want more of it. And even if I can’t be that great during those chaotic moments, I can at least not go to that “bad place.”

Though I’m gonna aim for calm.

Secretly, that’s what I truly want to be.