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BIRDIE NUM NUMS   NO DEAD CATS HERE  I've always been curious. About everything. When I was little, I asked questions incessantly. People used to tell my mom to stop answering them but she didn't. I'm really glad she didn't because it made me feel like it was okay to ask all the questions I had. I still ask questions. All the time. I don't worry about looking stupid. I figure I can't learn unless I ask. That's always been my principle. I figured everyone to be curious. Some people might be scared or shy and thus not ask but they still wondered. How can anyone look at the sky and not wonder why it's blue? Why mirrors reflect backwards? How can people drive without knowing how a car works? Almost every kid I meet stacks on the "why?"s so often that I knew it was built into our system. So the question is: Do we get too shy to ask or do we not care? There definitely is a section of people who get "too shy to ask." They've either been shushed or, even worse, humiliated somewhere along the line and decided it's best to stop asking. They figure if they don't ask, they can't be made fun of and they can't feel stupid. We spend so much time trying to not look stupid that we choose to hide our lack of knowledge instead of taking the opportunity to learn. Which means we stay "stupid", isn't that a bit stupid? As much as those people make me sad, the people in the second category make me even sadder. Do people really stop being curious? Last year, when I was teaching, I had kids who had already decided that they were "no good at math" and when we had our math lessons, they would tune out. They weren't curious why something worked the way it did. They just wanted to know (be told) the right answer and move on to the next problem. Their curiosity had been completely squashed out of existence. I can't think of anything sadder. THE CROSS  PEPPERS  LADY OF BUBBLES  CLOWN  ODDS AND ENDS  The Big Apple: Thanks to the successful rollout, I get two days off so Jake and I decided to use this time to take a long weekend in New York. We haven't been back there since we moved out last April so I can't tell you how excited I am to be going back to the city I love and to see the friend I miss so dearly. I will also make sure to take a ton of pictures and eat bagels while I am there. This is talent: Dan Schwartz's photographs in the last issue of 28mm are some of the most creative I've ever seen. I keep going back every day to look at them again and again. There's something about those colors that pulls me in each time. Driving: I've finally managed to drive to work all by myself Monday morning for the first time. For those of you who've been following my ineptitude with cars, you know this is a huge achievement for me. I am hoping it's a sign that I might eventually be able to drive though I might have to move back to the loving arms of New York just to never drive again. Turkish Food: Thanks to an article in the San Diego Reader, we found a small cafe in Mission Beach that serves a few Turkish dishes. If you're into Turkish food, check out Olives. It's on 805 Santa Clara Place, Mission Beach. If you know of any Turkish restaurants in the San Diego area, please please let me know. 50 BOOKS  1. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez Over the years, I've had many friends recommend this book to me. People, it seemed, either loved it or hated it. I thought it would take too much emotional and mental involvement to read it and so saved it for later and later. A few months ago, a friend of Jake's, whose reading taste I agree with, told me that he had just finished the book and it was the best he ever read. He couldn't stop talking about it, so I decided I had put it off long enough and checked it out from the library. The first week of the new year, I took one of my last vacation days and read the whole book in one sitting. The first fifty or so pages were confusing and I didn't get into the story very much. But somewhere along the line, I got really attached to the characters, especially Ursula, and even started enjoying the insane story Marquez spun. By the end of the book, I could totally understand why people said they hadn't read anything like this before. The book is difficult to describe. It requires suspension of disbelief. But Marquez is a fine storyteller and I did truly enjoy the book. I guess this means I'm going to have to read his other favorite as well: Lolita. 2. Life of Pi by Yann Martel I'm still trying to sort out my feelings about this book. I picked it up assuming it was a true story and felt annoyed at how surreal the story got as it progressed. I didn't enjoy the large quantities of blood which I felt didn't necessarily add to the story. I did enjoy the writer's creativity and thought the story kept me quite interested considering there was one real main character (two if you count the animal) for most of the book. In the end, I did smile and felt the book was clever at making its point but I still can't confidently say I'd recommend it to everyone. 3. The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown After months of hype I finally gave up and bought the book. I am a big fan of art history and I'd been told the book had lots of it. I am not quite religious, and definitely not Christian, which was keeping me away from the book but after weeks of hearing about it, I gave in. It was a really quick read and enjoyable for the most part. It was somewhat predictable and pretty badly written. The author kept describing each new character at length instead of giving bits and pieces. The characters were quite flat but the story did keep me interested and it was definitely better writing than some of the writers who spend weeks on the bestsellers list. All in all, entertaining. 4. The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd Another book that took me a while to get into but then sucked me in completely. The first thirty pages of this Southern story moved slowly. The small book deals with racism and family issues and it's well written. The characters are interesting and enjoyable. I enjoyed it quite a lot. 5. Mystic River by Dennis Lehane I heard so much about this movie that I was dying to go see it. I forced myself to wait until I read the book because I knew I would never read it if I saw the movie first. I am really glad I waited because it was definitely the best mystery novel I read in years. Most mystery writers spend too much time on the plot and not enough time on characterization. These characters were three dimensional. Likable and not at the same time. The grief in the story was overwhelming and made me identify with each of the characters at different times. The mystery itself was a bit odd since I really had no idea who the murderer was until the author revealed it. The ending, for me, was the worst part of the novel and did disappoint me a lot but over all, I still think it was a worthwhile read. 6. The Inferno by Dante Alighieri I am not sure this should count since it was my second time and it was mostly for research. But I did reread the entire book and enjoyed it even more the second time around. Dante's creativity and his style are still unparalleled in my opinion. Not to mention the fact that it was one of the first works ever written in the vernacular, as opposed to Latin. I won't write more because I know I am biased when it comes to The Divine Comedy. 7. The Amateur Marriage by Anne Tyler As a huge fan of Anne Tyler, I eagerly awaited her new novel for the last six months. This book is quite different from the others I've read (and I've read all but two of hers). First of all, it spans across about sixty years. Secondly, each sections is written from a different character's point of view (though, some characters are repeated). While it's obviously the married couple's story, it isn't very distinctly the wife's or the husband's. All of these aspects are new to her style. The prose, however, isn't. Her characters are just as memorable, quirky, and ordinary as they are in all books. The story has the same 'the extraordinariness of the ordinary' quality I always find in her novels. As a married person, I found the book to be sad and cried several times. But then again, I cry at all movies and books, so don't take my reaction as normal. If you enjoy Anne Tyler, I would certainly recommend this new novel. However, if you've never read her before and want to try, start with Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant. It's excellent. 8. Bringing Down the House by Ben Mezrich The beginning of this story about a group of MIT students who made a huge amount of money in Las Vegas pulled me right it. The story was interesting, the writing was not distracting and certainly not as dull as many non-fiction books I read. A hundred pages into the story, it stopped moving. My interest waned but I kept reading. In the end, I do think it was an interesting, fun and worthwhile book to read but I think it would have done much better as a long article. (a fact true for most non fiction in my opinion) In progress: QED by Richard Feynman Intelligence turns me on. Varied interest coupled with intelligence turns me on even more. If Richard Feyman were alive today, I am confident I would have easily paid a lot of money to sit in one of these lectures. He is a rare example of an extremely intelligent man who has achieved incredible success in Physics and also loved his wife like crazy, played the drums, obsessed over visiting Tuva, and picked locks for fun. He worked on Quantum Electrodynamics (the topic of this book), was part of the team that created the Atom Bomb, and solved why the Challenger blew up among other amazing achievements. A true sign of understanding a subject, in my opinion, is being able to put it into laymen's term. For someone who has had an exceptionally bad physics education, Feynman's lectures are magical to me. The ones in this book are simple, entertaining, make sense, make few assumptions on my previous knowledge, and most importantly, don't talk down to me. The reading is dense. It takes time. But if you're interested in physics and know as little as I do about QED, it's well worth it. If physics isn't your cup of tea, I would still recommend two of my favorite Feynman books: What Do You Care What Other People Think? and Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! both of which aren't about physics but will entertain you and show you what a curious and amazing person Feynman was. The Passion by Jeanette Winterson This book was a Christmas present from my brother in law. It's his girlfriend's favorite book. I am not usually a fan of short stories and prefer not to read stories that take place too long ago in history. This author's style is also a bit too magical for my taste. Despite all that, I am enjoying the stories so far. I'm about sixty pages into the 150-page book and will let you know what I feel in the end. Next: The Meaning of Everything by Simon Winchester Recommendations are always welcome by email, comments below, or chat. ROLLOUT  I ended up taking on the project on my own and finishing the design work. I made some changes to our plans and decided to tackle a small portion of the new system first as a test to see if the overall strategy was going to work and to find out any unknown problems with our approach. I spent the last six weeks, cleaning data, writing over 50 scripts and testing like crazy. I thought and rethought our original ideas and cut out all the whistles and bells from the new system, at least for the first rollout. I tried to remember the wise lessons taught in the Mythical Man Month which I hadn't read since Sophomore Year, college. I had full control over the system and I knew that meant I was also the sole person responsible of its potential downfall. Well, after much hard work, I rolled out the new system last weekend and six of the eight people in the office are using it. (The other two are part of the second phase of the rollout, a much bigger and more involved section which I will start working on this week.) I haven't rolled out a professional system completely on my own ever before. At school, I had classmates in my group, on Wall Street, I was either a member of or managing a team anywhere from three to 20 people. I've coded for myself, for Jake and his family or friends before, but I've never designed, coded, tested and rolled out a full system completely on my own before. And I was expecting glitches. Major glitches. I spent several sleepless nights worrying that once I rolled this system out, it would burn and crash causing the rest of my project to get cancelled and me to get fired. Well, Monday came and went. A tiny glitch in one of the sections that's used only by one user appeared. The other five asked for enhancements not originally planned. (Some were extremely easy and thus coded, others are on my list for after the phase-two rollout.) Tuesday passed. So did Wednesday and Thursday. I went back to working out of my house (I'd decided to work in the office for the first three days just in case disaster struck or the users were confused about how to use the system). As of now, an entire week has passed with all of the users on my system. We haven't had any glitches besides the one on Monday. The users have been quiet. In the world of software development, quiet users mean happy users. If they are calling you, it is always to complain. I even received some compliments. "It looks so beautiful." "I can work much faster now" "That's so awesome." Magic to my ears. Even if my users don't, I know that the new system could use a lot more work. I can give you a long list of its flaws. Nonetheless, my users are happy. I had no glitches. I didn't have to uninstall it. I didn't bring down any servers. They didn't lose any clients because of me. It all seems too good to be true. It appears, much to my dismay, that I am a better programmer than I was a teacher. ETERNAL SUNSHINE  Jake and went to see Charlie Kaufman's new movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Since I have seen several of Kaufman's movies and have enjoyed all of them on some level and I've also been a longtime fan of Jim Carrey I knew I was likely to enjoy this movie. What I wasn't prepared for was how much it touched me. Before I went to see it, I already knew the pretext of the movie but I was slightly misguided. All the text I read said that the movie was about two people who were in love and then break up and the woman has the man erased from her memories and he starts to do the same but changes his mind knowing he could have another chance with her since she doesn't remember him anymore. I think that could also have made a good movie but this movie was slightly, albeit significantly, different. While it's true that Carey doesn't want them to erase his memories, they do get erased. All of them. And at the end, both characters are starting over. Neither of them have the memories of the relationship. Besides the beautiful imagery and the touching romance, the most interesting part of the movie is the very end. When both characters find out how they end up after having just re-met (even though, they think they met for the first time) they have a decision to make. "Do you go into a relationship even if you know how badly it ends?" Do you go into it knowing it will end? Knowing you will say mean, hurtful things about each other down the line? Do you do it even when you have evidence it won't last? I've written about changing the past and about selective memory so it shouldn't surprise you that the questions above might fascinate me. I've also been in relationships that didn't end so beautifully or ones where there was too much pain. People have often assumed that I would have preferred never to have gotten into those relationships. People have even told me I had made a mistake. Knowing the ending, the pain, the anger, the sorrow, would I have chosen not to date the person at all? You might be shocked to know the answer isn't an easy, "No." I can't say that it's a decided "Yes" either. Despite the ending and the terrible moments, there also were euphoric moments. There was kindness, joy, laughter, and love. There was learning and growing. Even if I may know how the relationship ended, I wouldn't know what kind of person I would be had I chosen a different path. And I guess I always opt to take the known over the unknown. At least this way, I can come up with a plan. I also think that besides forgetting unpleasant moments in our lives, we have a lot of faith in our ability to not make them reoccur. We fool ourselves into thinking we can change people. We can change situations. We can break habits. Given the chance to do it over again, we can make it work. The ending made me wonder whether they chose to be together despite the fact that they knew it wouldn't work or because they decided it would be different this time around (more of the former, I think). It's amazing how many of us make the same mistakes over and over again. What if I knew my marriage would end badly? What if I knew all the terrible fights to come? Would I choose to never get married? Would I get out of the relationship now? What if I had forty years of bliss and wonderful memories with my husband and then two years of terrible fights in the end? What's the point at which it's best to have never gotten involved? How many bad memories does it take to make the good ones worth erasing? I guess I don't have the answers, just more questions. Maybe that's why we don't know the future and why we don't get the choice. PRETTY PANSY  PAINTS  ORANGE BLISS  RED BLOOM  HAPPY CANDY  BOLD BIRD  STROLLING ALONG  I took this shot very quickly which is why I think it's a bit out of focus. But I still liked the fact that the kid is sitting on the other kid's lap and thought it was too fun not to post. The kid on the bottom doesn't appear to be complaining either. EXPOSING MORE  As always feel free to let me know what you think. NOT-SO-SUPER TUESDAY  My questions is: Why do any of the states get to vote before others? How come we don't all vote on the same day across all states like we do for the Presidential election. I'm not bothered that states like Iowa and New Hampshire get so much political attention. I am much more upset about how strongly they affect the race itself. There were nine presidential candidates before the Iowa caucuses. On the day Jake got to vote in California, we were down to four. I feel that no one or two or seven states should have enough power to change the entire race before the other 43 have even had a chance to participate. If all states voted on the same day, I am confident the results could have been different. Maybe we wouldn't even have Kerry as the candidate. Dean would have never made that speech (or at least it would have been too late to have an effect), Clark would have been an option. I feel that if the primaries were treated like a serious, country-wide election, they should be all on the same day and shouldn't have as much local concentration as they do. The election is not about a candidate who is serving Iowa or Alaska or Alabama. This is a presidential candidate. This person will serve the entire country. This person needs to concentrate on the whole country and the whole country should get the option of voting for the candidate they want in the White House. It isn't fair that the early states got to choose between nine and others didn't. In my eyes, this affects the entire balance of the election. What about all those people who voted for Kerry or Lieberman, would they have voted for someone else if the two weren't a choice. Of course, they would have. Would the results have been different? Maybe or maybe not. The fact is, we will never know. AMONG OLD FRIENDS  This time, we set up brunch and coffee meetings with two of Jake's friends. One from his high-school years whom he hadn't seen in nine years and another from college, whom we hadn't seen or talked to in over four years. We figured between the two get togethers, I'd spend a few hours practicing with my new camera. Since our last experience had taught us that we could spend forever in LA traffic, we decided to pick one spot and spend the few hours there. I read about several different places and settled on Olvera Street which sounded interesting, fun, and full of potential for photography. We got on the road at 9:00am and made it to Santa Monica in exactly one hour and forty minutes. It was my second time down the boulevard, but Jake's first so we strolled a bit while I tried to take some pictures. We then met his friend and his friend's girlfriend for brunch, had great conversation. Charged up and excited, we then strolled down to the beach for some more pictures. I'm not really a lie-on-the-beach type of person but there's something about the Pacific Coast beaches that I find magical. Maybe it's how expansive and never-ending they feel. On Friday Jake and I had gone to La Jolla for me to pickup some paperwork from work and spent lunch by the beach and I told him that we should visit a beach at least three times a week. The Santa Monica beach was louder but it still gave me the sense of serenity I enjoy. We left the beach for the loud and joyful crowd of Olvera street where we spent an hour walking and taking pictures, eating Mexican food, and enjoying the 70-degree weather. Just as we got in the car to drive towards Hollywood, Jake's friend called to let us know she was finished with her commitment so we met her at the Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard where, of course, I took pictures. We spent the next two hours catching up, laughing, and talking about our careers, lives, marriage, and mutual friends. The way back was as painless as the way up and we made it home in less than two hours. All in all, a truly enjoyable day. There's something special about catching up with old friends. No matter how long it's been since you last saw them, there's a sense of familiarity that never goes away and allows you to fill years of gaps in a matter of minutes. It leaves you so fulfilled and full of hope and you remember all the things you liked about that person all along and rebuild your faith that this time you won't fall out of touch. It was one of those inspiring days. I KNOW YOU READ  Even though it's not as extensive as NYPL, the San Diego Public Library isn't that bad. The problem is that, with the exception of New York Times Book Review, all my resources of finding new books have disappeared. I don't usually have any problem hearing about the popular books, but without the bookstore people, the subway, and the prolific readers I was surrounded by, I am starving for some good recommendations. I've recently finished and posted an except of The Secret Life of Bees and Mystic River. I have just started Amateur Marriage by Anne Tyler and I am looking for more fiction (and nonfiction) writers or books. To be fair, I'll give you a list of what's still on my shelf to be read in the next few months: NonZero, Bringing the House Down, Moneyball, A Thousand Years of Nonlinear History, QED, The Blind Watchmaker, The Meaning of Everything, The Awakening, The Creative Habit, How to Dunk a Doughnut and for ideas: So Many Books, So Little Time and BookLust. I can't recommend them since I haven't read them yet but they were recommended by people I trust or publications I trust. If you want more books, here is a list of and excepts from 75% of the books I've read in the last three years. It may seem like I have many books on my list, but I read a lot and quickly so this list isn't long enough for me. It also contains too few fiction titles. As much as I enjoy nonfiction, my true to love is fiction. I read anything besides horror and fantasy. So, please share with me. Tell me your favorite author. Your favorite book. Even a favorite site about books. Pretty please? DISTORTING REALITY  That's what I thought then. Now, I think that with the age of digital photography becoming more and more prominent, what 'real' photographers used to do in their dark rooms, is now accomplished by Photoshop. Post-processing was always a part of photography. So, someone who's using Photoshop to enhance or add creativity to his photographs is using another skill set that goes hand in hand with their choice to use the digital medium. Learning to master certain skills in Photoshop gives the photographer an opportunity to bring out the best of the image. The downside of my new way of thinking, of course, is that I have to learn much much more about Photoshop now that I have grown up and stopped dissing people who use it. Not to mention, I still have a truckload to learn about the art of photography itself. Well, one day and one photograph at a time, I suppose. THE RIGHT TO VOTE  I know that system in the US isn't perfect. If nothing else, we learned that after the 2000 elections. But just because it's not perfect and it's not easy to fix, doesn't mean one should give up on it. If you believe in the system strongly enough to get so mad, then go ahead and do something about it. Many people are. If you aren't moved to do something, then at least go cast your vote. It takes about five minutes of time, depending what time of day you show up and the population around your location. As far as I am concerned, you can only whine about the current administration if you voted. If you didn't bother to be a part of the system, you have no right to bitch. Voting is a way for you to vocalize your opinion, for you to put it on paper (or computer system if you live in San Diego) and have it be a part of history. What do you actually achieve by not voting? I don't even consider the arguments of people who tell me they're busy. We're all busy. This isn't a weekly occurrence. That's just an excuse. I am angrier at the people who don't vote as a principle. What is the principle behind not voting? I really need someone to explain to me how they are affecting the system in a positive way by not voting because I truly don't understand it. As someone from a truly corrupted country that is struggling to become democratic it makes me sad to see how many people waste their rights in this country. And as someone who, hopefully, might get to vote on the presidential election for 2008, I am truly interested in the logic behind choosing not to vote. Grieving and Healing  But I can't. Of course, I can't. In times like these, I recognize my inability to be of any help. I stare my uselessness in the face. Sure, I can be there for them. Sure, I can listen to them and even give advice when asked. I can cry with them. I can hold them when they cry (unfortunately, I can't even do that since my friends are scattered all over the United States). But I can't make the pain go away. I can't give health. I can't bring back their pets. Or their husbands. I can't make it right. I can just sit there and listen. And feel helpless. The amazing thing is that there are many moments when my friends seem fine. They laugh, they work, they eat. For a split moment, they can carry the burden and keep living. Yet, when I think of them, the grief always overtakes me. I remember when my maternal grandfather died, one of my mother's clients told her, "May God never give you as much pain as you can endure." A rude sentiment at first look maybe, but a pithy thought. We, humans, are capable of enduring a lot. A Lot. The difference between my friends and I is that they are actually experiencing the loss. They are hurting much more sharply than I can, no matter how empathetic I might be. The human heart and brain seem to be very strong. For many of my friends whose relationships are ending, they start to rationalize it. In most cases, the situation was a culmination of past events so they are calmer at times than I am. They were expecting it more than I was. They mourn deeper and so they make room for life again. I simply sit here and feel helpless. I feel apologetic that my life is mostly okay. I respect my friends' strength and hope that I have it buried in me somewhere, as well, for those times that I might need it, hoping there are none but knowing there will undoubtedly be some. |
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