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TIME AWAY  I am hoping this fact won't change when the baby comes. On Wednesday, Jake and I drove up to meet his brother and parents in Santa Barbara to celebrate Thanksgiving. I am thinking this will be our last trip out of town before the baby comes. Especially since I'm already almost too big to sit in the car comfortably. Our current car trips already include 7 books, 10 movies, a cooler with lots of veggies, fruit and water, several gigs of music, 2 laptops, several chargers, camera with three lenses, several sets of changes of clothes, and a blanket and pillow. All this just for a four-day trip. I can't begin to imagine how much more complicated it will get once I have to bring along diapers, baby clothes, baby blankets, baby food, baby toys, and a million other baby needs. Our little Civic isn't the roomiest car there ever was but it has accomodated us very graciously. Pithier and longer entries when I'm back in town. In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy your weekend.  WHALE  Except that I've gained a lot of weight. I spent the first five months gaining a tiny bit of weight and now I'm gaining like it's going out of style. I've gained a bit over 22 pounds and I don't show any signs of slowing down. The thing that makes me mad is that I'm not eating any chocolate or chips or ice cream or anything that's your typical pregnancy food. The only possible culprit is that I drink Orangina (maybe a glass a day) but I can't honestly tell how I'm gaining all this weight. At first, I really freaked out. I asked the doctor if the weight gain has any bad implications on the baby. He said that there's no correlation between weight gain and a big baby. The main causes of baby size are diabetes or a genetic disposition to having large babies. The main downside to gaining more than the desired amount is that I'll have more to lose afterwards. (There are other disadvantages like my back might hurt a lot, etc, but I am not anywhere near that range for now.) So all my worries are from being vain. The baby is ok. The pregnancy is coming along fine, yet I am spending hours crying because I'm gaining more weight than I would like. How's that for a good mom? CHANGING LIVES  I spend most of the day in my nightgown unless I am going out. Loose clothing that breathes a lot is the only option lately. I am hot almost all the time and there's nothing I can wear that's comfortable in every position (meaning lying down vs sitting vs standing). I am tired all the time but not able to sleep. I used to be able to sleep anywhere, anytime. I slept so hard that earthquakes wouldn't wake me. Now, I spend many afternoons attempting to sleep and I am constantly unsuccessful. When I am actually sleeping, it's very light and a hiccup can wake me up. The only good side of this is that I seem to do a lot of lucid dreaming lately. I used to do all my work on the couch, in front of the TV. Thanks to my tummy, sitting on and getting up from the couch has become a challenge. Unless I sit up right, my stomach is going into my ribs and hurting me quite a bit. So, now I sit at the table, up right like a stick was shoved up my ass. Oh and have I mentioned I can't seem to read anymore? I am so slow at it and my concentration is way below normal. I can't go to the movies anymore since I have to pee several times in the middle of the film. Each time I bend down to take a macro shot, it takes several minutes for me to get back up. And, of course, every piece of food is viewed with: "Will this still taste good if I am burping it up all day long?" The fun part is that I know things are going to get more interesting as I move from month seven to eight to nine. I just hope that my back doesn't give out. That would really suck. Ahem, and I am aware that my life will change considerably once the baby comes but one day at a time for now. BAD SHOPPER  After reading the completely contradictory reviews on each item on amazon, I've decided I can't do this online. I can't do this alone either. I need someone who loves shopping to provide our trip with some enthusiasm. I am hoping my mom may fill the void. My sister is doing a huge amount of work over the net but I need a physical person here with me. There are too many decisions to make and all of them seem incredibly important. I imagine all that matters should be that I get a bed, a stroller/carseat, diapers, and some clothes. Is everything else really urgent? I figured carrying and having the baby would be the hardest part until the baby came, but I must say that the shopping is proving to be quite painful. WELL VERSED OR BIASED  I have decided that there's a big difference between people who are Well Versed in a subject and those who are simply biased. There are people who already hold a specific belief and read anything and everything that backs up their opinion and nothing on the opposing side. I find these people to be more annoying to talk to than the ones who haven't read at all. At least with completely uninformed people I can tell myself that they don't care enough about the issue to read up on it and have just formulated opinions with no facts to back them up. It's easy for me to not get into a conversation with such a person. A person who has only read books/articles/papers that agree with his/her point of view is a totally different kind of fighter. This person has facts and refuses to consider the possibility that the things s/he considers facts might be biased but claims anything on the other side of the issue is biased or distorted. Such a person is incredibly frustrating to deal with and completely pointless to talk to. The only reason I would like to talk to someone who disagrees with me is because I'd be interested in their way of thinking or the information they might have interpreted differenly than I did. This allows me to see the world from different angles and thus allows me to grow. But if the person I am talking to is just there to prove their point and is completely closed to mine, it makes the conversation very argumentative and my main goal is never to argue or to convince someone of my way. It's simply to understand their way. For this, I need to be open to the possibility of seeing the world from their eyes. And they need to be open to the same. If they completely refuse to listen to or read any of the opposing thoughts, I can only assume they are parroting points from their reading, not ideas they have actually developed through thought and comparison of counter positions on issues. Talking to someone who's simply repeating other people's words is useless to me, I might as well read that person's words (and get the word from the original source). I prefer to deal with people who are well versed and spent time thinking where they stand on an issue and why. CHARGED  On the way home, our 72-degree weather and cloudless skies added to my mood and I decided to take a stroll instead of going home. It's days like this that make me glad we moved to San Diego. Days like this that make up for the other days. Days like this that remind you what a wonderful place the world is and how many great things I have going for me in life. It's not that I don't know them at the back of my mind all the time. It's just that sometimes I really feel it. And those days are really special so I wanted to make sure to have a record of one. GOTTA PEE  That's not my problem. Each time I make a trip to the bathroom, it's a worthwhile visit. My problem is the number of visits I make to the bathroom in any given night. We tend to go to bed somewhere from 9 to 10pm. I generally lie in bed and read for a little bit so help me to go sleep. In the 15 minutes or so that's my "get ready to sleep" time, I go to the bathroom three times. There are many days when I go come back, go into bed and have to go again. It's not "psychological" either. I pee each time. More than a few drops. So don't go around thinking I am insane. I just seem to be producing pee in Superman speed. Once I go to sleep, my lovely bladder wakes me up every one and a half hours for a trip. That means that on a night where I sleep from 10pm to 7am, I wake up six times. If you add that to the three I did right before sleep, I go to pee NINE times between 9pm and 7am. It seems to me that that should be physically impossible. But it's not. I am living proof. After several nights of this, I have decided maybe I should just move into the bathroom at night. Sleep on the toilet. It might be a bit comfortable but I bet, if I work on it, I can manage to pee without waking up and actually get a full night's sleep. WHY I SOMETIMES HATE EMAIL  It must have to do with the fact that they don't have to visualize a human being on the other end. Some people just let it all out and say stuff you would never say to an actual human being. When I get one of those emails, I don't even bother to write back anymore. I pick up the phone and call the person. I start the conversation on a very cordial and kind tone and they change almost instantly. Within a minute or two, they are apologizing. Listing the reasons why they had the assholish tone in the email and how stressed out they are and how they were having a bad day, etc. We then move to the part where I explain to them that it's perfectly understandable and we all have bad days and then we manage to actually talk about the issue and often resolve it without much problem. They didn't need to send the nasty email for me to call them. Nice goes much farther than nasty ever did. Nasty means I am never going to bend over backwards for you. Nasty means I'd never bend the rules for you. Rules were invented for me to have to enforce them on the nasty people. They're my protection. So why go with the nasty approach? I just urge everyone to remember that even if it's easier and faster and doesn't require personal confrontation, it doesn't mean that an email is not read by a human. I can't stand people who don't have the balls to say something to my face and choose to write it and send it away instead. Fuck'em. MOODINESS  Any normal human with as many hormones as I've got would justify the ups and downs. Top that off with severe lack of sleep, constant heartburn, incessant sneezing, and a huge belly with huge boobs that my back and legs aren't too thrilled with lately and you got yourself the perfect combination of an unpredictable bitch. I am not the jolliest person you'll ever meet. Most people who would describe me as 'fun' already like me and therefore have a biased opinion. I am not light, jovial, or easygoing. I tend to be pensive, thoughtful, caring, and reliable. I've always wanted to be funny and fun but I have come to admit neither seems to be a part of my personality. What can you do? Most days I can dance the line between sad and happy quite well. While I am neurotic and worried a lot, I am not often very sad. Since I've been pregnant I get these random attacks much more frequently. I am overwhelmed with sadness and frustration and feel really miserable. Nothing looks, sounds, or feels right and no one can convince me otherwise. Things seem purposeless and I am too tired to care. It doesn't last very long and it's not something I am terribly worried about in the long term but it's quite unpleasant to experience. Especially since I get no warning whatsoever. The good news is, I could eat ice cream since I am no longer dieting. The bad news is I don't want ice cream or anything else. What I try to do is sleep or curl up with a book and wait for it to pass. Hormones, I remind myself. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean I'll be a bad mom. It doesn't mean I'm hurting the baby. It's just hormones. Or so I hope. REASONS I LOVE WORKING FROM HOME  Avoiding rush-hour traffic. Actually, avoiding any traffic at all. Watching TV or listening to music loudly while I work. Doing the laundry or running the dishwasher at the same time. Not having anyone who walks in every five minutes to ask me a technical question. No impromptu meetings. Programming in any clothing I feel or don't feel like wearing. (This one is becoming more and more crucial as we head into the seventh month of my pregnancy.) To be continued... THE SNEEZE THAT MOVED THE EARTH  Even though I had read that one's mucus membranes swell during pregnancy and allergies get worse, I couldn't have remotely estimated the horrific effects all this would have on me. Almost immediately after the vomiting sessions dissipated, the sneezing began. We're not talking your ordinary sneezing here. We're talking the sort of sneeze that could easily be heard three blocks down the road. The sort of sneeze that rips muscles. The kind that causes hemorrhoids. The kind that is accompanied by projectile snot. The kind that makes me wonder whether my lungs are about to come out of my chest. To add to the joy, I always sneeze in multiples. This isn't a single loud sneeze. It's one that comes out in triplets or twins. So unbelievably unreal that you'd think I'm doing it on purpose or to be funny. But there's nothing funny about these sneezing sessions. They make me choke on my own saliva/snot combination. They make my already short breath run out. They hurt the few muscles that aren't already hurting in my stomach. They are like an earthquake occurring inside my body. I can't even begin to imagine what the baby must be experiencing each time one of them rips through my body. Thank God for all the insulation covering it. For two months, the sneezing sessions would be continuous when I was awake. When my bladder gave out in the middle of the night and I got up to empty it, I would be guaranteed to sneeze for the next twenty-five minutes before the option of falling back asleep became available. Two hours later, another peeing session meant another sneezing attack. There were nights Jake and I gave up around 3am and figured we might as well start our day. One would think I would run out of snot. Well, my body seems to make it faster and in greater quantities than I am spending. It's as if each time I blow my nose, the snot decides to get stronger and fight me harder. It will not give up. It is determined to win. I have gone through 27 Kleenex tissue boxes and over 200 paper napkins in the last two months and still the snot is not showing any signs of weakness. Just in case you're thinking I'm stupid, I've changed sheets, I've tried different detergents, different pillows or anything else you can think of. The good news is that in the last two weeks, the night-time sneezing sessions seem to have disappeared. Now I'm only faced by a serious round when I wake up and several sessions that come unexpectedly during the day. My muscles are still miserable but my body, and Jake, get to enjoy a few hours of sleep between the peeing trips. DIET COKE NATION  I used to drink six to eight cans of Caffeine-free Diet Coke a day. I've been drinking Diet Coke for a long time and I am very particular. It has to be in a can. It has to be cold. It has to be Caffeine-Free (tho I can make exceptions every now and then and am willing to drink regular Diet Coke). I didn't drink any water, juice, or any other drinks of any kind. In the first few months of 2003, I had begun drinking very weak lattes every now and then. But my source of liquid was undeniably Diet Coke. When we decided to start trying to get pregnant, I knew I was going to have to give it up. Diet Coke is made up of chemicals and chemicals only. There's nothing natural or organic in it. Even the caffeine-free version is not good for you - actually it's pretty bad for you. Ordinarily, I am willing to have that be my only vice but I thought it unfair to transfer such an addiction to an unborn baby. Thus, I reduced my consumption to one a day while I was trying and I haven't had a single drop of Diet Coke since I've been pregnant. Not one sip. I've also not had coffee or tea but those mean nothing compared to the lack of Diet Coke. One would think that after almost seven months, I wouldn't miss it anymore, but I still do. When I see people drinking it, I wish it were me. I still don't like water though I drink a lot of it for the baby. The sad news is that not only will I not be able to have Diet Coke for the next 13 weeks, but I won't be able to have it all throughout breast-feeding either. This means almost one year, if not more, of no Diet Coke for this addict. Nothing else I've given up for the baby (or had to eat for the baby like the horse-sized prenatal vitamins) have made me as sad as Diet Coke. Not that it's not all worth it, but I wish I had been addicted to something less bad so that I wouldn't have had to give it up. LOWERING AMBITIONS  I look at my lists and can't decide what I can give up. I like taking photos too much to give this site up, yet it consistently takes a chunk of my life daily. I obviously can't give work up (though that would be quite nice). I won't even consider giving reading up and that takes a few hours of my weekend depending how regularly I'm doing it. These, besides the pregnancy, are some of my only priorities lately. On my good days, I aspire to get so much more done. I have ideas for software to write. I want to go back to learning or bettering my languages. I want to volunteer. I want to meet more people and have some friends in this town. These are just the beginning. My list can go on for a few pages. So is the only way to feel happy and not overwhelmed to not shoot for much? Is that really good advice? I know having a small list may mean the items actually get crossed off. I know there is some sort of joy to be gained from having all my to-do list items done. But then I don't get the jitters of a new, crazy idea. I don't get the excitement of aiming for a project that's obviously too high. I don't think that's good advice. So I guess I am bound to be disappointed in my lack of ability to complete my lists for the rest of my life. EXHAUSTION  I was told that by the end of the fourth month I was supposed to get my second wind. The throwing up would end, the "Holy-crap-I'm-so-big" phase wouldn't have started yet so I'd have a few months of full force energy. I was told it would be even better than usual. I would have all this *extra* energy. Yey, I thought, I could use some of that extra energy to get stuff done before the baby comes. Well, here I am at 26 weeks. While I'm definitely not puking my brains out, and while I am really appreciating that fact, I certainly don't have my energy back. Actually, last week I've been more exhausted than usual. I've had a hard time getting up from bed and keeping myself awake and alert throughout the day. I look at my lists but I don't reach out for them. I just lie down, close my eyes, and hope that tomorrow will be more productive. Here's to hoping. Too Excited  |
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