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EXPLODING BOOBIES  Except my boobs. Twice this week, David graced us with sleeping more than five hours consecutively at night. I have an overactive letdown, which means milk sprays out of my breasts too fast with too much power. Imagine feeding yourself with a garden hose on high. No matter how much you like what the hose is spurting into your mouth, you probably won't like it when it's being delivered this way. One of the ways I work around this is to feed David on one side at a time. Last night, David ate a bit on both sides at 6:30 before he went to bed, his next feeding was at 1:40am, seven hours later. At that time, I fed him on the left side for a long time and we both went back to bed. My right side was already full and hard but I didn't want to upset him and his sleep is currently more important than my pain, so I went back to bed. He stirred at 4 but didn't actually wake to eat until 5:10am. By this point my right breast was in severe pain. A rock is softer. I got up and stood in front of his crib as David thrashed around. Sadly, I kept hoping he would open his eyes so I could pick him up and feed him. And the second he did, I swept him up and put him on my right breast. Within minutes relief was mine. So now I have a dilemma. I am wondering whether I am willing him awake because my boob is big, hard, and leaking. Should I let him thrash around? Is it possible that if I didn't interfere he's actually sleep until the morning and I am hindering this progress in an effort to relieve my throbbing boob? I know it will all adjust in time but until then my boobs are protesting the sleep-through-the-night plan.  DESPERATELY SEEKING CURE FOR SNEEZING  The middle of the night feedings are supposed to be quiet. The point is to quickly go to the aide of your little one, quietly feed him without rousing him too much, burp him, and put him back to sleep. You're not to even change him unless he's pooped. This way, he doesn't fully awaken and thus it's easier for him to fall back asleep. Makes sense, right? I am pretty good at getting to him before he cries himself awake. At the first sound of hunger, thanks to my ultra-sensitive monitor, I rush to his side and make sure his eyes are open signaling actual hunger and not sleep talking. I pick him up and put him on the feeding pillow and we rock back and forth while I feed. It's perfectly quiet for the first ten minutes. And then.... ACHOOOO! My sneeze pierces through the night, making both me and my peacful baby jump. His eyes are wide open now and he doesn't know what just happened. ACHOOO! ACHOOO! ACHOOO! Just in case he had decided to go back to sleep, my allergies let him know that's out of the question. My sneezes pile on top of each other. Then to add to the punishment, my nose starts dripping. So actively that I have to actually blow it disabling all of David's attempts to find that sleepy place. We're talking fifteen nose-blows before the faucet of a nose I have will quit. Actually it doens't even quit, it merely takes a break until I am leaning over to put David back in his crib. Then it decides to drip once more. Now I have a conundrum. Do put him down more quickly to rush for a tissue and risk awaking him or do I let my nose drip on him? I won't tell you which option I choose, but I will tell you it's a nightly dilemma. As David goes back to dreaming, I make my way into the bedroom, and just as I lay in bed it comes once more. ACHOOO! It will not quit until all members of my small family are awake and unrested. Ps: I had intended not to write about my son or montherhood to not turn this log into one of those. I wanted it to be more than that as well as that. However, my life is little besides David and work and sleep right now so since it's a major part of my life, I decided to write about it. This way, I ill hopefully get back in the habit of updating regularly and eventually start writing about more varied topics. If you don't like reading about motherhood issues, visit me weekly and hopefully there will be at least one entry that's not about David. LETTING GO  I used to worry about everything. And I mean everything. I have a major issue with letting people down and if I feel like I let someone I care about down, I beat myself up for days and sometimes months. It's not healthy and it doesn't accomplish anything except to make me really sad. But I wasn't able to stop doing it. Before David, that is. I've had some major letdowns in the last few months. I lost what I thought was a solid friendship. I realized that sometimes you can't count on the people nearest to you. I understood the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." And I've finally admitted that often times the only one you can count on is yourself. I've also had some amazing surprises and an incredibly healthy and happy baby but those are not what we're talking about for now. Ordinarily, just one of the things that went wrong would be enough for me to beat myself up for months. It would mean I'd mourn for weeks and go over and over the events to find the exact point where it all fell apart and how I should have done it all differently. Before David, that is. Now, I sleep the three hours a night that I can manage, I eat, I work and I play with my amazing son. I have somehow managed to move on and let go. If the people in my life aren't there for me and aren't willing to work with me, I guess we're not meant to be in each other's lives. Friendship takes a lot of time and commitment. It takes perseverance and being humble. So does family. If those traits are non-existent in a relationship, maybe there's no relationship worth hanging on to. It's funny that I thought I shouldn't have children until I've learned to let go. If only I knew having children was the thing that would teach me to let go. Thank You, David. BROKEN COMMENTS  YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE  No shit, Sherlock. It always surprises me how I assume things don't go on without me. I don't mean that in the vain sense. I mean when I read a blog regularly like a religion and then suddenly stop. For example, because I have no time to keep up with it now that I have a baby, and then I revisit it months later, I get a weird feeling when I see that it's business as usual. Even though I was contributing nothing to the site, I somehow felt like my visiting it regularly was part of what made it exisit. Intellectually, I know this not to be true but somehow I get the weird feeling "Wow, this site is still active and bubbling?" each time I lose touch and come back. On the upside, this shows that one can take a long break and prioritize other things in their life. But when I come back, the other things are still going on and most of the time, I can jump right back in. In the last eight weeks, I haven't read half the websites I used to visit regularly. I have not kept up with my email or my friends. There are days when I haven't gotten out of my pajamas. I haven't taken non-baby photos except for two days. I haven't read more than two books. I haven't slept a full night. I haven't exercised. I have done the bare minimum for everyone and everything besides my baby. However, it's comforting to know that when the time comes all of those things will be waiting for me. Right now, I am working on what's most important. Giving Up on Dreams  Now that I have a child in this world, I believe I have even more reason to want it to be perfect. While my understanding of perfect and the boundaries of my possible effect in the world might change, my need to make it a better place hasn't and hopefully will never go away. I still want to start a nonprofit. I still think that you can change the world and I still want to be only surrounded by those who believe in the power of change. I never understood the cynicism that I saw in some of my friends. While I can understand that there can be experiences that lead one to question life and the way things work, I don't understand the advantages of cyncism. What good is it? Does it make the person happier? Does it make the world more livable? Does it mean you've won somehow? I feel like it gives you nothing but negative energy that makes the rest of your life even more bleak and even more depressing. If one chose to stick by their dreams and maybe alter them to be more realistic, more reachable, in smaller increments, wouldn't that make their life more enjoyable? Wouldn't it give them something to look forward to each day? Teach For America was a pretty depressing experience for me and I suffered a lot but I still think it's a wonderful organization and I am glad it exists. Would I like it to be doing some things differently? Sure. But at least they are there, trying. That's more than many of us. I hope more people out there are like my work friend and still chasing a version of their dreams. Those are the people who will change the world and make it a better place for all of us. |
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