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THE GLASS CASTLE  Jeannette Walls' The Glass Castle is our bookclub's pick for May. I had already finished out April
selection (Lolita) so I figured I might as well get started on it.
The book took me three days to read. It's the memoir of Jeannette's
unbelievable childhood. Parts of it made me want to cry, parts of it
made me cringe. I was amazed at how intelligent both her parents
seemed and yet how little they cared about the welfare and health of
their children. The obviously did love their kids but it's amazing
that children can be brought up this way in the US and nothing is
done about it. It's a well-written memoir and will make you thankful
for your childhood and family.
It's a good read for when you need to keep your life in perspective.  ENSENADA, MEXICO  I loved Ensenada. In so many ways, it reminded me of being home. The dirt, the poverty, the small streets, the sweet, kind people, the tiny candy stores. I felt completely at ease and loved every moment of being there. I felt more at ease there then I do here in San Diego. The one thing Ensenada had that Istanbul doesn't was color. The magnificent color in all the buildings delighted me and is something we don't really have in most of Turkey (except Bodrum, which is all white and blue - not so colorful as Ensenada but still gives me the same sense of loveliness). I couldn't get enough of the color. Since I haven't taken any photos (that aren't portraits of some kind) in such a long time, I didn't even know where to begin. I took a whole bunch of photos before rain came pouring down. I am not sure I am thrilled with any of them but I still like them because theu are my memories of the wonderful trip. I'll post some of them over the next few weeks. Of course, on the way back, they didn't ask me for anything but my driver's license so I didn't get to use my spankin' new passport. Oh well. YUMMY CHEESE  Just for the fun of it, I removed a lot of the noise from this image. Since our house doesn't have perfect lighting, I take most of my indoor photos at 800ISO, thus get a lot of noise. LOVING ME MY WAY As promised, I will start to write about some of the points "How to be an Adult" brings up that interested me. Here's the first one I want to write about: Relationships between adults work best when each partner knows his or her specific ways of feeling loved and tells the other about it. This has been one of my pet peeves for a long time. I believe that different people have different ways of feeling loved. Some people like jewelry or flowers, others want hugs, and others just want to be listened to. I don't think there's a right way to love someone. Similarly, there are no wrong ways to feel loved (we're ignoring extreme cases of abuse etc here). For a multitude of reasons, we all develop our own definitions of love and our own ways of looking at a relationship and feeling loved. I think our first instinct is to love someone the way we like to be loved. If we like attention, then we give the other person attention. If we like flowers, then we buy presents, etc. I don't think there's any harm in this, initially when we don't know someone very well, it's the best option we have. But once we've gotten to know our partner somewhat. loving them the way they like to be loved gives us two major advantages. One, it shows the other person that we're paying attention to their wants and needs. Two, it makes it easier since it focuses our efforts to please that person and makes them more effective each time. Of course, I think there's value in recognizing when your partner is trying to show you how much they love you, in their own way as well. If your partner is the kind of person who never buys flowers and he comes home with flowers one day, this shows a significant effort and should, of course, make you happy (unless the flowers are due to some guilt.) But knowing the ways the other person feels loved saves so much time and effort in a relationship. It may be hard in the beginning to make enough attention to find the ways, but you can also ask. I think, in an honest relationship, there's no reason to play guessing games. If I care about you, and about making our relationship last, I have no trouble telling you what actions or things make me feel loved. This way you're not wasting your time trying things that work on you, on me. I am happy and loved and so are you. Why would people prefer to play guessing games instead? There's no award for getting there on your own. The award is for knowing and for doing the actions that make the other person feel loved. Sure it's nice to know that you paid attention but it's much nicer to know that you're going out of your way and your personal understanding of how to show love, just for me. Just to make sure I am feeling loved by you. That's all that matters. Imagine how much smoother a relationship would be if both parties were honest about what would make them feel loved and if both partners actually did these? There would be no need for guessing, assuming and worrying. I think part of being an adult is knowing yourself and not being afraid to share that with the people you love. Knowing what you need and asking for it. Knowing that those who really care for you will do their best to show it, in a way you understand. EAT PRAY LOVE  Elizabeth Gilbert's
fantastic memoir was exactly what I needed to read. Eat,
Pray, Love : One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India
and Indonesia is a very quick read, but don't let its humorous
tone fool you. It's a book that makes you look into your own soul and
think about the life you're living. At least, it did for me. I loved
her writing. It never got in the way of the story. I loved the way
she told her very sad story with great humor so that you never felt
sorry for her. I felt like the author was instantly likable. I loved
all three sections and all the characters in the book. I've never had
an interest in traveling to India or Indonesia (I wasn't against the
idea just never felt compelled to go) but now I would love to. I am
hoping to go back to practicing yoga and I truly think that sitting
quietly and smiling for an hour each day may change my life for the
better. Looking deep into myself is something I should do regularly.
But now I am just blabbing.
There are many articles about this book all over the net. I had never heard of it until my friend Nicole read it and recommended it. I read it in a few days and loved every single moment of it. It's not for everyone (especially if you're not spiritual at all) but it's quite a marvelous book for some people. Including me. With this little entry, we finally catch up to all the books I've read this year so far. I'm currently reading another memoir "The Glass Castle" which, so far, is great. With the exception of Lolita, this has so far been a year of great books. I hope to keep it up. SNOW FLOWER AND THE SECRET FAN  After finishing the
dreadful Lolita, I had to cleanse myself with a different book
immediately. Two of the women in my reading club had just finished Snow Flower and the Secret Fan and
they both loved it. I borrowed it from my friend Nicole and started
reading it Sunday morning. My day was relatively full. I had a shoot
at 7:15am and had to process all the photos, feed David's meals,
nurse him for his naps, play with him, work on the site and respond to the tons of emails
sitting in my inbox. I started the novel and ended up doing nothing
but reading. By, 10:30pm, I had finished the novel (and done all the
necessary tasks of the day including processing my photos.)
This novel was wonderful. Light but not trivial read. Three- dimensional characters and a completely character-driven story. I learned a lot about Chinese culture I didn't know and confirmed some of the sad things I did know. I enjoyed every page of it and it was exactly what I needed after Lolita. LOLITA  I have met many book-lovers
over the years. Several of them, upon learning of my passion about
books, have recommended that I read Lolita.
I knew the premise of the book and refused to read it out of
principle. "But it's literature, it's Nabokov." I heard so many
arguments, but I still refused to read it. A few weeks ago, my bookclub met and we were told that the Mark Twain book we'd picked for April was dreadful and decided to switch it. I recommended we read Lolita. None of us were too thrilled about the prospect but we all felt that it was a book we had to read before we died. And now that were were in our 30s, and "mature," we might as well get to it. Semi-reluctantly, we all agreed to pick it as our April book. Knowing it would be a form of torture, I bought and started the book immediately. The text was much less dense than I had imagined and the story moved relatively quickly. There were some interesting bits here and there and the writing was quite impeccable. But that's it. I wish I could say all those people were right and I was wrong. I wish I could say I totally changed my mind on it and it was phenomenal. The truth is, I could never get past the child- molestation. I could never get past what a disgusting (and I find that to be the very perfect fit adjective in this case) man he was. There was no second in which I could relate to him or empathize. Thank God I don't have a daughter, I might have hated it even more. There was no room for my pity in the character. No explanation why he might have become such a despicable person. Nothing that spoke to me in a way that allowed me to enjoy the book, the story and the people. I ask you, if you're one of those "Lolita is amazing" people: please tell me what I missed? Why is this book such a must-read? NATIONAL HONESTY DAY The complex where I live has a calendar of events that they publish each month. It notes community-wide events like easter egg hunt and gym classes as well as national or religious holidays. In April's calendar, they had "National Honesty Day" under April 30th. I have never heard of this holiday but I am glad it's on the calendar and I wish it would encourage people, even if just for one day. I am not naive enough to think that people don't lie. Everybody lies and they all have their reasons. When I was little, my mom would lie to her clients and tell them that their merchandise was ready but she couldn't deliver it cause I was so sick, she had to stay home and take care of me. All the while, I would sit next to her, perfectly healthy. I asked her why she lied and she said that these were "little lies" and they didn't matter. Sure they matter. But today's post is not about lying. It's about not telling the truth. Most of us live our lives sheepishly, not passionate enough to stand for something. My first night of Teach For America training, they showed us a video of the previous year's class and the accomplishments they achieved and all the goals the organization had for the country. I felt so proud to be a part of something so phenomenal that I went back to my room and I called Jake. "I don't know why everyone wouldn't want to be a part of this," I said. "It's amazing." I truly believed it. I still do. I have the utmost respect for organizations like TFA who stand for something and fight like crazy to get it. Most of us, give up way too easily. Most of us learn to be complacent early on in life and stick to saving our opinions to ourselves in most situations. Not lying, per se, but omitting the truth. Not being honest with your boss' bad taste or incorrect preferences is one thing. The boss might fire you for disagreeing. While I still think it sucks to work for someone like that, I can understand one's choice to be complacent in that situation. But not when it comes to friendship. And not with a significant other. These people are in your life by choice. You picked them. Why not pick people who respect you for your thoughts and be honest with them? A friend of mine thinks truth is overrated, that it isn't necessary to be honest at all times and that sparing someone's feelings is more valuable. I respectfully disagree. I choose the people in my life because I trust them to be good thinkers. I trust that when they tell me their opinion on things, these opinions are not judgments. They aren't superficial, they aren't spiteful. They are well-thought-out opinions of people whom I trust and respect. I want them to tell me what they think and trust that I can handle the truth. I am independent enough to weigh their opinions without letting them cloud mine. I want them to trust that when I said I want to know what they think, I meant it. Their honest thoughts help me grow and expand my own thoughts. They help me see things from different perspectives. Of course there are nice and not-so-nice ways to say things. There's bashing and there's constructive feedback. I always expect the people I care about to take the time to put their words in a non-hurtful form. Adjectives without explanations are useless. If my friends are some of the most intelligent and most caring people I know, why wouldn't I want to know their true thoughts? That's one of the reasons I loved college. In college, people tend to be passionate. They tell you what they think. For hours. Tedious as it might become, the conversation is deep, meaningful, and often honest. Then we grow up, life gets in the way, we never take the time to be honest. We never really listen and really answer. We make decisions on behalf of the other person. (Oh she wouldn't want to hear this. Poor so-and-so, how could I tell her what I really think) We talk about the people we love to other people but never to their face. We wouldn't want to hurt them. Well, you may not be hurting them, but you're also not helping them. You're depriving them of the true friend or partner they thought they had. And what if you do tell the truth (nicely, gently, constructively) and they get hurt irrevocably? Well, in my opinion, those friends were lost long ago. A relationship based on eggshells and half-truths is not a relationship worth the energy or the time. Especially with a significant other. This person may be there for the rest of your life, do you really want to live with someone to whom you cannot tell your true thoughts/feelings, for the rest of your life? I don't know where between college and life people give up on honesty but I wish it hadn't become the accepted social norm. I really think we could all benefit from more of it. Even if only on April 30th. THE HEART IS A LONELY HUNTER  When I was telling my friend
Michelle that most of the books I read last year sucked, she
recommended The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson
McCullers. For some reason, I let the book sit for weeks before I
picked it up. I would look at the cover and keep putting off reading
it. I thought it was going to be really depressing and I wasn't in
the mood. Once I did pick it up, I couldn't put it down. I loved
every minute of it. I loved the characters, I loved how intricately
their lives were intertwined yet so very isolated. I loved how they
all felt close to Singer and yet they knew nothing about him. It was
a really enjoyable read and I am glad I finally did actually pick it
up. Both this one and The Solace of Leaving early were Michelle's
recommendations. Now I'm going to have to beg for more.
TEMPLE OF THE GOLDEN PAVILLION  I can't decide how I feel
about Yukio Mishima's Temple
of the Golden Pavillion. Similar to the other two Japanese novels
I read in the last few weeks, it's mostly about the main character's
inner life. His thoughts, his ideas. The main character is a young
adult and is quite resentful of life. It's a slow-paced novel full of
wisdom and thought-provoking writing. Here are a few sections that
spoke to me:Perhaps a lyrical port lucked within that huge
body of his, but I felt that there was cruelty in his clear, blue
eyes. The Western nursery-rhyme "Mother Goose" refers to black eyes
as being cruel and malicious; the fact is that when people imagine
cruelty, they normally assign some foreign character to it. and another Cripples and lovely women are both tired of
being looked at, they are weary of an existence that involves
constantly being observed, they feel hemmed in; and they return the
gaze by means of that very existence itself. The one who really looks
is the one who wins. one final one I just wanted to make you understand. What
transforms this world is - knowledge. Do you see what I mean? Nothing
else can change anything in this world. Knowledge alone is capable of
transforming the world, while at the same time leaving it exactly as
it is. When you look at the world with knowledge, you realize that
things are unchangeable and at the same time are constantly being
transformed. You may ask what good it does us. Let's put it this way
- human being possess the weapon of knowledge in order to make life
bearable. For animals such things aren't necessary. Animals don't
need knowledge or anything of the sort to make life bearable. But
human beings do need something, and with knowledge they can make the
very intolerableness of life a weapon, though at the sam time that
intolerableness is not reduced in the slightest. That's all there is
to it.
WAYS IN WHICH HE'S NOTHING LIKE ME At a swap meet a few weeks ago, I bought David a plastic guitar. It has buttons on it that play classical or pop music depending on its mode. David carries this guitar all over the house and puts it down wherever he rests. He then presses the buttons and dances while the plastic guitar sings. I have never ever danced in front of this little boy. I haven't danced in over ten years. There's no way he observed this. I am wondering if moving to music might be a genetic or inherent thing. Any ideas? I used to be a scared, lonely little girl who cried a lot. I hung to my mom's skirt often. David, on the other hand, is an independent and happy little boy. Making him giggle takes two seconds. Last weekend, on the plane to St. Louis, he made friends with the stewardess and ran up and down the aisle to hug her. When she pointed at me and told him to come to me, he ignored me and went back to hugging her. He smiles at everyone, especially girls and women. I am not sure how he can tell the difference but he seems to ignore men for the most part. Maybe it's the makeup or the hair. I am regularly amazed at David's sweet nature. Not that he doesn't have his moments but he's such a joy. If they all turn out like him, maybe having a few more is not such a crazy idea after all. How to be an Adult  Recommended as one of two
self-help books that gives practical, usable advice, I picked up How to be an Adult from the library.
It was an extremely quick and very useful read. So much so that I
will write excerpts from it for the next few weeks probably. Many of
the ideas were reinforcements of prior courses I took of beliefs I
already had. These are the sort of ideas that need constant reminders
so that I get used to thinking that way. His writings on
relationships were also very practical, very sensible and very much
along the lines of what I hope to accomplish. This little book made
me think a lot and I will be referring back to it in the next few
weeks over and over again.
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