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LOVE IN PIXELS   PICKING SIDES I live with guilt twenty-four/seven. No matter what time of the day or week you catch me, I can list five things I feel guilty about. There are the typical things like the chocolate I ate a few minutes ago, or the exercise I didn't do, or the emails sitting in my inbox. Things that are common to everyone's life. Things that make up New Year's resolutions that never get met. They are such shared experiences that books are written about them, careers are made trying to monetize them, and they even have Hallmark cards about them. ` These pangs of guilt live in the surface of life. The place where you know it doesn't much matter if I ate chocolate half an hour ago or end up a size smaller or bigger next week. I know that the inbox will fill again. I know that the friends will forgive me, and often will be too busy to write back themselves. All it takes to fix these things is admitting that while I would love for these issues to disappear, I don't really want to do the work or sacrifice they will need. And then there is the big stuff. Spending time with family vs working all hours of the night. Snapping at my husband when I'm pissed at a coworker. Ignoring my kid because I am too tired and don't want to deal with whatever small thing he's frustrated about right then. There are the things that make you pick sides. Living in America vs being near my family. Working vs staying home with David. Things that don't come with right answers. Things that a lot of work might not make go away. Things that are not obvious. Those are the cases where I wish someone would pull me aside and tell me the secret answers. I know that guilt is a wasted emotion. Yet, I can't help it. I don't want to have to sacrifice one for the others. I want to know that I can love my son and be there for him without taking the frustration out on my husband. I want to spend time with the things I love and my son and get my work done. I want to do a good job of it all. I think that's why I take so many pictures of David: to prove I was there. I saw those moments, I experienced them. The funny thing is, the camera is the reason I don't end up experiencing them. Capturing the moment and being in the moment are mutually exclusive. At least for me. As much as I love the photos, I end up missing out in a bigger way. Each time I am in one place, doing one thing, I am feeling guilty about not being in the other place doing the other thing. Guilty that I am not at home feeding him. Guilty that I didn't go to work early and finish my overflowing task list. Guilty that I am reading when it's one of the few hours in the week I get to see my family. My new plan is to put a stop to all the guilt. Life's too short and maybe I could see more of David if I didn't work so much. And maybe I could be more successful at work if I didn't have a family to go home to. And maybe I could spend more time reading if I didn't have either. But I do. And I love all of them. And I can enjoy all of them. If only I can enjoy the moment I am in instead of the one I'm not getting to experience. We pick sides all the time. And I am picking mine. I will have it all. Maybe not simultaneously, maybe not even in equal doses at all times. But, even the small doses can be magical if I stop worrying about where I am not and instead enjoy where I am. MY SISTER'S KEEPER 
Next to my family, my favorite way to spend time is to read. With the
exception of horror and fantasy, I read and enjoy almost every kind of
book. But every now and then there's that one book that comes along and
stops my whole life. When I find one of those, nothing else much
matters. I completely fall into the story. I take the book with me to
the bathroom. I take it in the car. I read it while I am waiting for the
microwave. I read it as I walk from room to room. I don't put it down
for a second. I am so engulfed in these characters' lives that I don't
want to miss a moment of it.
Today was one of those days and My Sister's Keeper was that book. I can't even remember why I put this book on hold. I think I saw it at Walmart (in one of the very rare occasions I sadly visited this establishment whose politics and employee treatment I vehemently oppose) and I had heard of the Jodi Picoult many times before and wanted to read her. I can't tell you what made me pick up the book last night over the 22 books I have checked out. But I can tell you that since I picked it up, I didn't put it down until I finished it. I spent a good time crying afterwards just to get all the pent up emotion out. Jodi Picoult has a way with words. Not only does she create the most relatable characters, but she knows how to take emotions and wrap them around such simple, natural words that you wonder why no one else thought to express that emotion in that exact way before. It's like you know exactly what she means. This story is tragic. It's horrifying. It's a situation no parent ever wants to be in. From the outside, you can take sides, you can judge. But when you see the story from all the points of view, you can see the conundrum so well. You know there's no easy answer here. Even from the very beginning, you know it's not going to end well. But still, like the parents, you keep hoping. But the author doesn't disappoint. She doesn't cop out. She doesn't create a Hollywood ending. To the contrary, all the way to the very twist at end, the story holds true to its point. Life is too short and no one gets to have a say at how things turn out. Coyote Blue 
When I read A Dirty Job back in January (or was it December?), I loved it so much that I wanted to read more Christopher Moore right away. So I checked out another book by him (The Stupidest Angel) and was really frustrated by how much I didn't like it. A few months ago, I wanted to give it another try, so I checked out Coyote Blue. The book was funny and overall I enjoyed it. However, in the end, it lacked the un-put-downable-ness of A Dirty Job. I want to read more by him cause I do like his unique sense of humor, but I am not sure which of his books to pick up next...
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