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CATALYST 27 - EPHEMERAL  Journaling Reads: This one is really painful. Maybe my most painful memory ever. Years ago, I was fourteen, or maybe a little younger. In the summer, we lived on this island and there were two groups of kids my age. The group I belonged to and the other one. One day, we were upstairs in the club house and the guy from my group was talking to a guy from the other group and he said, “Well the only ugly girl in our group is Karen. All the girls in your group are ugly.” That’s it. That’s all it is. That tiny moment that the guy probably doesn’t even remember. I’m sure he doesn’t remember. Why would he? It was nothing to him. A few cruel words. Maybe not even cruel to him. Maybe it was his honest opinion. He didn’t know I was there. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. But it did. I was there. I heard it. It broke me. Permanently. Twenty years later, I still feel like the ugliest girl. The only ugly girl in a group. In every group. I look at myself and I am incapable of seeing anything else. It’s the reason I’m always the girl who’s behind the camera and not in front of it. It’s the reason I don’t dance. It scarred me then. It scars me now. Just writing this down brings tears to my eyes, all these years later. It’s amazing how a teeny tiny moment has completely changed my life. My personality. My self-confidence. The way I look at myself. The way I carry myself. The way I think of myself. The way I see myself. Looking at it now, it seems silly that I should have let it ruin how I see myself. But I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to actually let it go. It’s such a core part of who I am. It has become a fact such a long time ago that I don’t know how to relearn. How to reform my opinions of myself. It’s like redefining who I am. It’s amazing how an ephemeral moment can leave such permanent scars.  PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 258  DAILY DAVID - DAY 258  PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 257  DAILY DAVID - DAY 257  PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 256  DAILY DAVID - DAY 256  PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 255  DAILY DAVID - DAY 255  PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 254  DAILY DAVID - DAY 254  THANKFUL TODAY - SEPTEMBER 5 - SEPTEMBER 10, 2008 1. Getting to go to Pismo Beach with my boys without any planning. I love being able to get in the car and just drive. 2. Happy Birthday my love. I love you so much. 3. Getting a lot of downtime and rest. 4. Being a part of good teams, working with good people. 5. Watching mindless TV. I am so glad TV is back. CATALYST 26 - CREATIVITY  I’ve always, always wished I were more creative. More artistically capable. I’ve tried so many forms of art. I’ve drawn. I’ve written novels. I’ve done photography. I’ve done jewelry making. I’ve done metal arts. Scrapbooking. Painting. I love the idea of being creative and artistically talented. It’s something that I crave and wish for daily. Journaling Reads: She always thought art could give her wings. And open windows to her dreams. She craved the talent to create.  LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE  BLISSFUL  PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 253  DAILY DAVID - DAY 253  PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 252  DAILY DAVID - DAY 252  PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 251  DAILY DAVID - DAY 251  PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 250  DAILY DAVID - DAY 250  PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 249  DAILY DAVID - DAY 249  THANKFUL TODAY - SEPTEMBER 4, 2008 1. First day of school and David naps and David loves class. He's such an amazing kid. 2. Several more uses of the potty, I think we're on a roll. 3. Almost done with my perf work round one. Very glad and thankful. PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 248  DAILY DAVID - DAY 248  
THANKFUL TODAY - SEPTEMBER 3, 2008 1. A small Google Chrome celebration. Reminded me again how special it is to be a part of this team, however small. 2. Thankful to have finally crossed off a bunch of to-do list items off my list. 3. Excited. Sad. Worried. But also thankful that David is back to school tomorrow. It means I will have a normal schedule now. 4. Thankful for an upcoming class on peace. I could always use more peace. PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 247  DAILY DAVID - DAY 247  THANKFUL TODAY - SEPTEMBER 2, 2008 1. Actually thankful to have gone into work for a few hours. 2. Thankful to have anything at all to do with Google Chrome, honored to be on this team. 3. Feeling a bit more energized. PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 246  DAILY DAVID - DAY 246  PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 245  DAILY DAVID - DAY 245  CATALYST 25 - LIVE FULLY  Here's my art. Journaling Reads: When I first thought about this topic, I was going to take the easy route. I was going to write about the dark. I’m afraid of the dark. Not too much. Not enough to have to leave the lights on. But enough to feel uneasy. Enough to rush through the dark to get to the light. But that’s too easy. There are so many other things I’m afraid of. I am afraid of being alone. I grew up with friends who weren’t really my friends and who tried to get out of inviting me to events as often as they could. Thus, I’ve always felt unwanted. I’ve also always been a bit different from the rest of my family so I grew up with a sense of not belonging. Coupling the two makes me someone who’s really scared of being alone. Someone who always thinks that the people around her will flee at the first opportunity. I worry about this constantly. Even with Jake, who’s been with me for fourteen years. I still think that, given the opportunity, he would leave. So I thought I would make my art about being alone. But then I realized that there’s something I fear even more than that. Something so close to my core that it makes me scared just thinking about it. I am afraid of having a life unlived. A life of unrealized potential. A life of never having had the guts. Never having tried. Of all the things I could think of, this scares me the most. I want to live life fully. I want to be able to look back and feel no remorse. Feel no guilt. I don’t want to wish I could do it over again. I don’t want to regret anything. I always want to do so much and accomplish so much. My todo lists are never below 30 items. But I want to make the time to reflect. To love. To share. To be spontaneous. I want to turn my life upside down occasionally just so I can relearn everything. So I can be sure I still feel the same way about my decisions. I don’t want to take anything for granted. Not a moment of my life wasted. What scares me the most is being too scared to truly live. THANKFUL TODAY - AUGUST 29, 2008 - SEPTEMBER 1, 2008 I figured since the last few days blended together I should do the thankfulness together, too. 1. Resting. A lot. Thankful that I am allowing myself to do so. 2. More books from the library. I love the library. 3. Some family time. I never seem to get enough family time. 4. My sister. I love you. I love you so much. 5. Potty training going well. Gummy bears did the trick. We haven't tried naptime or bedtime yet but the rest is quite well. Knock on wood and thankful for Gummy Bears. PHOTO OF THE DAY - DAY 244  DAILY DAVID - DAY 244  
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