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AN OLD MEMORY
I've been with Jake for almost fifteen years. We met the last few weeks of the first semester of my Junior year in college. We were friends for a short while and then started dating right before it was time for us to go to our own homes for the holidays.

Even though Jake's flight was several hours after mine, we went to the Pittsburgh airport together and talked and talked until it was time for me to board my flight.

At the time I was a Resident Assistant and a few days before the Christmas holidays begin is finals time at Carnegie Mellon. And during finals we observe Quiet Hours in the dorms. Which means exactly what it sounds like. About a week before I left for home, I had heard blaring music from the room adjacent to mine. I walked into the room, prepared to remind them about Quiet Hours, but instead I sat on the bed and listened until the song finished. After that, I told them to turn the music down and went back to my room.

But the song stuck in my head and I managed to get a copy on tape (this was before there were mp3 players, thank you very much). Even though I knew Air Supply, I'd never heard "Making Love out of Nothing at All" before and I really loved it. In fact, I pretty much listened to it on repeat for the new few weeks.

On the day of the airport, I was still listening to it on repeat and as I boarded the plane and took my seat, I put the music on and looked out the window. That's when I saw Jake standing by the big glass wall that looked out on the runway and waving. I thought of waving back, but I knew he couldn't see me.

And yet he waved.

He continued to wave for the next 30 minutes. All the way until my plane pulled back and got on the runway to take off. I spent the whole time listening to the song over and over again and watching him wave at me. That might be the moment I fell in love with him.

All these years later, I still think of that day when I hear the Air Supply Song. As the band plays images of the airport appear before me. I see him waving at me. Smiling.

And I fall in love all over again.

October 08, 2009 | link | relationships | share[]


MARRIAGE AND COMMITMENT
I've been thinking a lot about marriage and commitment lately. As I've hinted in the last couple of weeks, we've been hearing a lot of bad news from friends lately. Several marriages or long-term relationships (and I mean really long term) are falling apart and the news is making us sad. This happened several years ago when we first moved to San Diego, too. At the time, four or five couples called us in a matter of two weeks to let us know about their divorce and it had put me in a similar mood that I've been in for the last several weeks.

Pensive. Scared. Sad.

I am not sure why this news seems to come in batches or maybe the batches are more memorable so I don't remember the intermittent ones as much. Either way, I've been really sad thinking about my friends and all the years they devoted into their relationship and how it's dissolved. Especially when there are children involved. I still remember my parents' divorce very clearly. Even though our story ended wonderfully with my parents getting back together, I know that's really rare and divorce is really hard on kids. (so is a bad marriage, i know.)

A few weeks ago dooce had a post about which one is harder: marriage or motherhood. Of course, they each have their own challenges and it depends on the circumstances but one of the things someone said stuck with me: it's much easier to take your marriage for granted. You know a baby/kid needs help and care. You don't tend to forget that often. Yet, we don't always remember the same thing about marriage.

Marriage (or relationships) need attention and care, too. Your significant other, as a person, needs attention and the marriage itself also needs care. A lot of communication, reserved time, tenderness, forgiveness, and love. But, I think most of this gets lost in the shuffle. Between work, taking care of kids and keepping daily motions of life, we tend to forget or ignore the little moments. We let resentment build up or, even worse, we simply give up and let things rot. And then, sometimes years later, we look up and realize there's nothing left. That's what I am most scared of because I never want to let that happen.

Despite our bad moments, I know exactly why I chose Jake over others in the world and I know everything I love about him and all the ways in which he's a perfect fit for my life. I don't want neglect to wear that out. I want to be the kind of person who remembers to take care of our love and relationship just like I care for David. I know that some days I just get too lazy or too tired.

But then weeks like these come and I realize that the cost of such laziness is way too high.

February 13, 2009 ~ 12:02 | link | relationships | share[]


MORE ON BEING VALUED
Of all the things we discussed in the Managing Your Energy class the one that resonated the most with me was about the importance of being valued. I know I wrote about this recently but I wanted to repeat it. For me.

Take a moment and think of each and every time you have gotten upset at something that you can remember. Now go ahead and analyze what was going on. I bet you that you can trace each of them to "not feeling valued" by someone. It's amazing how strongly the need to be valued is tied to the core of our being. It's why we do much of what we do. Sometimes it's also why we don't do something.

It's why we get angry at others. Why we get disappointed and hurt. Jealous. Why we feel proud. Thrilled. Loved. All the bad feelings and all the good are tied to feeling the lack or presence of a sense of value. Each time I get mad or sad now, I step back to find where I felt lack of value so I can collect myself and move on. I learn to stop interacting with people who make me feel not valued.

And now that I realize this, I also understand why it's so important to recognize others. To thank them. To make them feel valued.

It changed my entire perspective of life. And weeks later, I am still thinking about it.

April 06, 2008 ~ 20:04 | link | relationships | share[]


WORK WITH WHAT YOU HAVE
Back when I read Now, Discover Your Strengths, the one idea that stuck with me was that working with one's strengths is a faster road to success than fixating on your weaknesses. Not only do I agree with that sentiment, but I also think it applies when dealing with others.

Instead of trying to make other people different than what they are or getting frustrated by their weaknesses, I think it's best to concentrate on their strengths and to work with what you have. Even in the personal context. You get one Mom and one Dad. Learn to work with what you have, find a way to make it work for you.

I think if we all spent our energy on optimizing our strengths, while slowly but steadily improving our weaknesses and learned to take people as they are and work with them, life would be considerably easier. Often times, people disappoint us so much more because of our expectations of them as opposed to anything they actually do.

Imagine if we stopped expecting and just took what we got.

November 10, 2007 ~ 00:11 | link | relationships | share[]


CONSCIOUSLY COMPASSIONATE RELATIONSHIPS
Another quote I saved from "How to be an Adult:"

In a relationship, this may mean that both parties do not choose to use the same freedoms or limitations. For example: You feel great pain when I form outside relationships, even though they are not sexual. I feel no pain at all about your outside relating. To be fair, both of us have equal latitude in this area. To be compassionate, I give up the exercise of my right since it triggers so much hurt in you - without asking you the same in return. Meanwhile with compassion for me, you have committed yourself to working in therapy on your fear and jealousy so thaat eventually i can related to others with no consequence to you." The "double standard" refers to moral issues but not to consciously compassionate relationships.

I am a firm believer that relationships are never exactly 50-50. Sometimes one person gives more and other times vice versa. This is what keeps the balance together. This means when I'm having a horrible day, it's ok for me to ask for 75% and I won't have to feel like I am being unreasonable just like I can offer 85% on a day when I'm great and he's not. For me, this applies to friendships as well.

The above quote is a similar scenario in my opinion. Two people are never exactly the same. They had different pasts, different upbringing, carry different residual pain and frustration. People's past tends to affect who they become and what they view as right/ wrong. Therefore, the list of things that bother me in a relationship and the list of things I don't care about one way or another could be drastically different than the one my loved one compiled over the length of his life.

I believe it's crucial to treat each person like they are an individual with their own priorities, thus it's unfair to set rules/ guidelines for a relationship that are always exactly equal. The quotes example speaks to me perfectly. I think there are two crucial keys to make this work.

1. You need to communicate. If you don't tell me that something bothers you, you can't blame me for doing it. Over and over again. I am not here to read your mind. I can't do it and you shouldn't expect me to. Stand up for yourself, be honest and kindly explain to me that something upsets you and maybe even try to explain why if you can. Trust me that I will listen and I will care. I won't judge. There's a reason you picked me to share your life with.

2. I need to willingly give up the exercise of my right. Regardless of our relationship, I am a free person. I can say and do whatever I want, anytime I want. Being in a relationship means I exercise the right to not do many things because our relationship is more important to me than those things. I choose not to do them, not because you said I can't but because I respect you and choose not to hurt you. The choice has to be mine or it will feel like a chore and it will soon give rise to resentment and anger: two things that can kill a relationship quickly or slowly but definitely painfully.

I guess it can be summarized like this: "Tell me what you think and trust me that I will do my best to respect you."

I used to be very immature and force the people who loved me to do a particular thing (or, often, not to do it) and it took me many painful years but I learned that you can't force anyone to do or be anything. You can admit that people are different with differing needs. You can share your fears and worries and hope like crazy that the person you are with loves you enough to work on them with you or is patient enough to wait it through while you're working on them yourself.

June 07, 2006 ~ 09:06 | link | relationships | share[]


LOVING ME MY WAY
As promised, I will start to write about some of the points "How to be an Adult" brings up that interested me. Here's the first one I want to write about:

Relationships between adults work best when each partner knows his or her specific ways of feeling loved and tells the other about it.

This has been one of my pet peeves for a long time. I believe that different people have different ways of feeling loved. Some people like jewelry or flowers, others want hugs, and others just want to be listened to. I don't think there's a right way to love someone. Similarly, there are no wrong ways to feel loved (we're ignoring extreme cases of abuse etc here). For a multitude of reasons, we all develop our own definitions of love and our own ways of looking at a relationship and feeling loved.

I think our first instinct is to love someone the way we like to be loved. If we like attention, then we give the other person attention. If we like flowers, then we buy presents, etc. I don't think there's any harm in this, initially when we don't know someone very well, it's the best option we have. But once we've gotten to know our partner somewhat. loving them the way they like to be loved gives us two major advantages. One, it shows the other person that we're paying attention to their wants and needs. Two, it makes it easier since it focuses our efforts to please that person and makes them more effective each time.

Of course, I think there's value in recognizing when your partner is trying to show you how much they love you, in their own way as well. If your partner is the kind of person who never buys flowers and he comes home with flowers one day, this shows a significant effort and should, of course, make you happy (unless the flowers are due to some guilt.) But knowing the ways the other person feels loved saves so much time and effort in a relationship. It may be hard in the beginning to make enough attention to find the ways, but you can also ask. I think, in an honest relationship, there's no reason to play guessing games. If I care about you, and about making our relationship last, I have no trouble telling you what actions or things make me feel loved. This way you're not wasting your time trying things that work on you, on me. I am happy and loved and so are you. Why would people prefer to play guessing games instead?

There's no award for getting there on your own. The award is for knowing and for doing the actions that make the other person feel loved. Sure it's nice to know that you paid attention but it's much nicer to know that you're going out of your way and your personal understanding of how to show love, just for me. Just to make sure I am feeling loved by you. That's all that matters. Imagine how much smoother a relationship would be if both parties were honest about what would make them feel loved and if both partners actually did these? There would be no need for guessing, assuming and worrying.

I think part of being an adult is knowing yourself and not being afraid to share that with the people you love. Knowing what you need and asking for it. Knowing that those who really care for you will do their best to show it, in a way you understand.

April 17, 2006 ~ 20:04 | link | relationships | share[]


NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE


Ten years ago, today, Jake and I kissed for the first time.

We'd been friends for a while but it was just that. And then it wasn't. We laughed a lot and spent hours and hours talking until wee hours of the morning. We hung out doing nothing, playing computer games, listening to music, watching bad TV, talking with friends. Basically what you do in college. I don't think either one of us thought it was more serious than a nice relationship.

But then I graduated and we lived together that summer in New York. Then we did the long distance thing for a year. Then we moved in together permanently. Then we did the long distance thing again when I lived in Japan. Then we got engaged and then married. Now we're expecting a baby. All of which started with that semi-innocent kiss ten years ago.

It's amazing to me how we never got into the relationship thinking it might be the last one we ever have. How we never really evaluated each other as potential husband/wife all those years ago and yet we managed to get a solid, lasting and wonderful marriage out of it. If I had met Jake two years ago, at 28, I would like to think that I'd still have had the wisdom to recognize that he'd make a wonderful husband and a great father, but I am not really sure. I feel like as we get older, we look at relationships more critically. We're older and in a different place in our lives and have different needs and wants than we did at 20. Thus, when in college I might have prioritized choosing someone who is fun to be with and makes me laugh, today I might have been looking for a man who's successful and responsible and has a long term plan. Or something like that. I think the extra level of stress and requirements that we add, make it much harder to find and keep a successful match.

Maybe I'm just thinking that cause I don't know what I'm talking about.

What I do know is that I've been in the United States 12 years and have spent 10 of them with Jake. I've now spent a third of my life with him and I can't wait to spend every single moment of the rest of my life with him.

I love you, Jake and thank you for being with me.

ps: This post was written on Thursday, December 2. I've left the text as is and will be posting it as if it's that day. FYI.

December 02, 2004 ~ 12:12 | link | relationships | share[]


BEING LAZY TOGETHER


This morning, I woke up more tired than usual. I had a list of twenty-one items to accomplish before the end of today. Most of them are self-inflicted chores but they were what needed to get done for me to start my week in a happy mood. As soon as I woke up, I knew this was one of those days where the list would get ignored and I would experience a depressing Sunday night, knowing I was way behind schedule. I decided starting the day in bed might put me in a better mood.

We start every Sunday morning reading the New York Times. This morning was no exception. I read the entire paper cover to cover and several magazine articles that I had printed throughout the week. After there was absolutely nothing left to read, I decided to take a long shower, hoping that would help me wake up. It didn't. So we went out to lunch to get some fresh air. That didn't help either. We then came back home and I went back to bed while Jake sat on the bed, working and watching football. It's now almost 7pm and I am still sleepy and my list is sitting untouched which is, as I predicted, making my Sunday night quite sad.

Despite the misery of not having accomplished much, my favorite part of today was getting to lie in bed with my husband. Since we both tend to like accomplishing things, we rarely stop and be lazy together. Today, we spent hours in bed, lying together, hugging, reading the paper, and watching TV. It might have not helped me cross off items off my list but it was a ton of fun.

October 31, 2004 ~ 18:10 | link | relationships | share[]


FOR NO PARTICULAR OCCASION


I just wanted to note that I am head over heels in love with my husband.

May 07, 2004 ~ 10:05 | link | relationships | share[]


NOBODY KNOWS


"Everyone knows" is the invocation of the cliche and the beginning of the banalization of experience, and it's the solemnity and the sense of authority that people have in voicing the cliche that's so insufferable. What we know id that, in an uncliched was, nobody knows anything. You can't know anything. The things you know you don't know. Intention? Motive? Consequence? Meaning? All that we don't know is astonishing. Even more astonishing is what passes for knowing. - Philip Roth in The Human Stain

I am really enjoying my first Philip Roth novel. I will talk more about the book itself once I finish it but this small passage made me think of my friends. As I mentioned before, many of my friends are going through divorces or seperations lately. One of the first ideas that crossed my mind when I read the excerpt was how little we know the people we think we know.

This doesn't just apply to our partners. We have so many people in our lives friends, lovers, even family members whom we think we're close to. Whom we think we know quite well. Yet, we don't. Or at least, we might not. I am recently becoming more and more amazed at how easy it is for people to hide parts of their current or past life. We tend to be inherently trusting. We give people the benefit of the doubt. When we meet someone new, we take what they tell us about themselves to be true. We don't go off and do background searches on people. We don't double-check their 'story.'

In my opinion, that's one of the reasons we get to incredibly shocked and hurt when someone we love turns out to be doing something behind our back. It's not the jealousy. It's the lack of intimacy that we felt was there. It's the fact that there's a part of this person's life that we knew absolutely nothing about. The betrayal. The fact that we can't deny the truth: that we didn't know this person as well as we thought we did, after all.

Which then leads us to wonder what else we don't know about this person...

May 05, 2004 ~ 17:05 | link | relationships | share[]


GRIEVING AND HEALING


Many people I care about are grieving lately. Some for a marriage that turned out to be different than it appeared, some for a relationship they were hoping to hold on to, some for time that can never be gained back, some for pets who'd carved special places in their hearts, some for missed careers, some for unrealized dreams, and some for unhealthy family. Talking to all these people makes my heart rip into pieces. I feel a strong urge to have the power to do what was undone. I want to fix everything and hug the people and say, "See it's all fixed; you can be happy again."

But I can't.

Of course, I can't. In times like these, I recognize my inability to be of any help. I stare my uselessness in the face. Sure, I can be there for them. Sure, I can listen to them and even give advice when asked. I can cry with them. I can hold them when they cry (unfortunately, I can't even do that since my friends are scattered all over the United States). But I can't make the pain go away. I can't give health. I can't bring back their pets. Or their husbands. I can't make it right. I can just sit there and listen. And feel helpless.

The amazing thing is that there are many moments when my friends seem fine. They laugh, they work, they eat. For a split moment, they can carry the burden and keep living. Yet, when I think of them, the grief always overtakes me. I remember when my maternal grandfather died, one of my mother's clients told her, "May God never give you as much pain as you can endure." A rude sentiment at first look maybe, but a pithy thought. We, humans, are capable of enduring a lot. A Lot.

The difference between my friends and I is that they are actually experiencing the loss. They are hurting much more sharply than I can, no matter how empathetic I might be. The human heart and brain seem to be very strong. For many of my friends whose relationships are ending, they start to rationalize it. In most cases, the situation was a culmination of past events so they are calmer at times than I am. They were expecting it more than I was. They mourn deeper and so they make room for life again. I simply sit here and feel helpless. I feel apologetic that my life is mostly okay.

I respect my friends' strength and hope that I have it buried in me somewhere, as well, for those times that I might need it, hoping there are none but knowing there will undoubtedly be some.

March 01, 2004 ~ 20:03 | link | relationships | share[]


VALENTINE'S DAY


I used to make a big deal about celebrating pre-fabricated holidays like Valentine's day. I used to have expectations and think it was important to remember the flowers and the chocolate and the cards.

A few years ago I gave up being picky about the little things and then I gave up major holiday celebrations. I decided the best choice was to take it easy, keep things in perspective and to remember that no one day needs to be more special than any other. With all the divorces going on, all I wanted was a pleasant weekend with the man I love.

Pleasant, I got.

A few weeks ago, the San Diego Reader said Saturn was closer to earth than it's been in my lifetime. I had never seen Saturn and thought it might be fun and Jake loves astronomy so I asked him to find out if there was anywhere in San Diego we could go look at the sky. A few days of research showed us that the San Diego Astronomy Association has a regular Stars at Mission Trails event where people can show up and use the members' telescopes to look at the sky. Friday night, we drove to the campground and I got my first peek at Saturn ever.

The image was completely clear and I couldn't believe how much of Saturn we could see. The Cassini division was easily distinguishable and I could see the south pole of the planet. We then looked at Venus and a few stars. I kept coming back to Saturn since, to me, it was the most magnificent thing I ever saw.
The clear three-dimensional feeling left me speechless. After we drove home, I promptly read the guide Jake had printed for me. It was my first time looking through a telescope ever and I image I will remember the experience for a long time.

Our plan for Valentine's Day was to get up early, drive to Malibu Shores and have Jake teach me all about photography. I am hoping to buy a new, fancy digital camera and he was going to teach me all he knew, using his old but amazing Nikon EF2 which is not digital. We took five rolls of film, the tripod, my nikon 885, his camera, the telephoto lens, and the 50mm lens and set out for the road. Along Malibu, we parked on the side of the beach and he showed me how to use the camera and the different lenses for the next few hours. We then drove to Venice Beach and Jake let me practice which meant I used up another roll and a half of film. After a stroll on the beach, we decided to drive through Beverly Hills and head home to meet a friend for a movie. Despite the horrifying Los Angeles traffic, I took some more pictures, we talked for hours and listened to fantastic music.

Today I got back my photos from the developer and almost 80% of them were technically perfect. I learned a huge amount more than I knew about photography and I will be buying the camera some time this week and feel a lot more confident about using it. While it wasn't as magical as my perfect day this was one of the best Valentine's Days I've ever had. It was educational, exciting, fun, calm, and full of love.

I love you, Jake.

February 15, 2004 ~ 19:02 | link | relationships | share[]


IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
I am beginning to wonder if marriages that do work are rarer than those which don't. Since our wedding, last year, four of my friends got divorced or are in the process of divorcing. Another two separated. One of which was engaged and the other dating for almost seven years. Two of my friends got married and one of them got her marriage in a much better track. That ratio is six to three which is two to one.

Part of me has been encouraging my friends to see things from the other person's point of view. To try and let go of years of resentment that we love to hang on to. To give it a fair and honest chance and to assume the best of the other person. But then there's a point after which I also feel like life is too short and how hard do we work before we walk away? How much pain do we put up with? If this were a job, I would have encouraged them to walk away much sooner.

I know the answer doesn't lie within me and it's not simple. Each person is different, so is each relationship. But the pattern is becoming too common for me not to take note. I remember feeling the same anxiety right before my wedding. I kept seeing friends whose relationships weren't working out and friends who were unhappy. I worried that maybe getting married would jinx my happiness. I know it sounds stupid but the fear was there.

And now it's here again. Not as much for my relationship because I do love my husband and I know I would do everything in my power to resolve any hitches in our marriage. But I can't keep wondering: Didn't all my friends feel that way at one point, too?What happens that makes us go from that place to the bitter resentment one? To the place where the only option is to walk away and start anew?

What makes one marriage fall apart at the seams when the other stands the long term test?

January 09, 2004 ~ 00:01 | link | relationships | share[]


POWER
There are times I wish that wishing was enough.

This is the eleventh year that I've made this wish and still I know it won't come true. A wish that involves another person. A wish that is beyond my control.

When I was little, one of my teachers told me that my wish would come true if I wanted it badly enough. I interpreted that to mean hard work and strong will. I always worked hard to achieve my goals. Things didn't always turn out exactly as I wanted them but when I look back on my life, I can't think of one unfulfilled wish that I still think about.

Except this one.

There have been times in my life where I was too scared or worried to take a path. I've regretted some and not others but I've always recognized that whether it be due to weakness or insecurity, the choices were mine and so is the responsibility. In cases where my actions, or lack thereof, have affected others, I've tried hard to apologize. Many have responded to my apologies with kindness and understanding.

Some have not.

In cases where another person doesn't feel the way I do about resolving an issue that might have come up between us, I feel completely powerless. There are many emotions I don't prefer to experience but feeling powerless in relation to something I care deeply about must be in the top five.

I've talked to many people about this situation in the last ten years and the consensus seems to be that I should let go of it. "You've done all that you could. Just relax and forget about it."

Easy for you to say.

I can't forget about it. I choose not to forget about it. I don't want to forget the fact that there's a part of me that is capable of hurting someone so deeply that they won't forgive me, even a decade later. One might say, that should make me powerful; the fact that I can have such a strong influence on another human being. But it doesn't. I just makes me scared. It makes me sad. I care about this person. I want this person to be in my life again. I want to not have caused this much pain to another person. I want us to share moments of life again. To cherish the good memories.

Yet none of that can happen without forgiveness.

November 03, 2003 ~ 00:11 | link | relationships | share[]


PERFECT DAY
Jake and I started dating over nine years ago.

At the time, we were both in college and had a lot of free time. We started dating during final exams. Instead of studying, we pulled all-nighters getting to know each other. Sharing stories from our childhood. Laughing. Those days we spent together are some of my fondest memories.

Over the next nine years, we've had many ups and downs. Periods of great communication and periods of frustration with work, life, and other obstacles getting in the way. In the last four months, Jake and I quit our lives and started over. We spent morning, noon and night together for three months, in a car, tent or hotel room. We saw some of the most beautiful sites of the United States and we made amazing memories.

All of that was nothing compared to this weekend.

After two weeks of working, I asked Jake if he'd be okay driving to Joshua Tree National Park for the day, on Saturday. The park is approximately a three hour drive from San Diego. We got up, ran some errands, and got on the road at 10:30. We had conveniently forgotten our California map at home so we took what looked like a quicker road on the U.S. map. The fast route turned out to be windy and very scenic.

By the time we got to the park, it was well past 1pm and we were both famished. It turns out the park has no food so we had to drive back out to get some snacks and finally got to drive into the park close to 2. We took a walk through the cacti garden and climbed the huge boulder-like rocks. When we got to Key Point, we got out of the car and took in the hazy, but nonetheless jaw-dropping view. I had wanted to sit and read at the park so we grabbed our books and sat on the bench overlooking Los Angeles.

We started talking. For no specific reason. We talked about my new job. About Jake's company. About being in California. About us. About the future. About nothing specific and about everything. We got back in the car so we could get on the way home before it got dark. We kept talking. We talked and talked. As if we met for the first time. With the same level of excitement. But a lot more honesty.

We put the windows down and sang at the top of our lungs along with the radio. We laughed.



One of the best days of my life.

September 29, 2003 ~ 00:09 | link | relationships | share[]


JITTERS

I've been freaking out about the upcoming wedding.

For one reason or another, I seem to find an opportunity to break down about it weekly. A good friend of mine says I have the jitters.

I guess it depends on your definition.

I've always associated wedding jitters with worry related to the person you're marrying. If we use my definition, I definitely don't have the jitters. I've been with Jake for over seven years and I've had a lot of time to think whether he's the sort of man I can spend forever with or not. I've had opportunities to meet tons of other people and still am fully convinced that he's my favorite person in the world.

Bar none.

So if Jake's not the problem, why are you freaking out? one might ask. It appears there's more to getting married than the man with whom you're tying the knot.

One big part of it is the actual wedding party. What has become apparent to me is that it's impossible for us to have a truly low-key wedding. So the bigger the wedding gets, the more concerned I become. The more chance things might not go as planned, especially since I didn't plan all that much. Not to mention, I have only been to three weddings in my life, one of which was my sister's, none of which was American. So I can't even swing it since I don't know the list and order in which things are done.

But the bigger issue isn't the day, it's the 'forever.' The fact that I am old, adult and mature enough to make a decision that will last forever. Before you go into your diatribe on how marriages aren't necessarily forever and I'm allowed to change my mind and stuff, I would like to note that I plan for mine to be forever. I understand that things can change and it might not end up being forever but, if it's alright with you, I'd like to plan on having it last forever. Marriage, to me, is the first step I've made as an adult. College, moving to the United States, moving into my own apartment, starting a job, quitting a career, moving in with my boyfriend have all seemed less permanent. Less daunting.

And I can't exactly put my finger on why this is so daunting, but I know that it is. I know that it means more responsibility. It means more mature behavior. It is a door to more responsibility, such as having children. It's a step where I can see the tunnel that is the rest of my life. Jake is someone I want by me for each of the steps I will make down that tunnel. So I know I chose the right person.

But I'm just scared that I could have chosen the wrong tunnel. And I'd like to reserve the right to switch. And somehow, until now I felt like I could move around and take different paths, but now that I will be married, everyone will be expecting me to walk down this one specific path and I am more likely to screw up.

So would that be categorized as having the jitters?

Previously? Richter at the MOMA.


April 19, 2002 ~ 00:04 | link | relationships | share[]


TOGETHER BUT APART

The Almitra spoke again and said, what of Marriage, master?
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
- Khalil Gibran - The Prophet

There were days when I would have been shocked by the above words. Together yet not too near together? What do you mean, I would have thought, aren't we supposed to want to stand completely by each other and depend on each other and give up part of who we are? Marriage and partnering for life are all about compromises, after all. Right?

Well, it appears my opinion on those matters has shifted somewhat in the recent days/months/years. Not that I don't still believe that marriage is about compromise. Actually, I think most relationships, whether they be romantic, friendly or professional are all somewhat about compromise. But I no longer think that choosing to be with someone means being one with that person. I don't believe that partnering for life equals giving up self-identity. On the contrary, I love the idea of choosing to be beside one person and sharing and caring and fulfilling each other.

It appears I am marveling in the glory of individuality and sense of self. The idea of joining to perform miracles without having to become one thing appeals to me. It no longer seems necessary to make the eternal sacrifice or ask for it in return. Instead, it feels joyous. Like something I want to do. Like something I can do. Like something I choose to do. Not something I must do.

It's not about giving up me, it's about having someone alongside of me forever. Growing together but separately.

Individually.

Previously? Perfetto.


March 26, 2002 ~ 00:03 | link | relationships | share[]


GOOD MATE

As I explained yesterday I'm not very good at coming up with ideas on what to write lately, so I decided to use the aid of some hardware. I bought If and a bunch of other several books in college when it was fun to talk about such random issues with random strangers. To be fully honest, I don't think I've cracked the book since then but this seems a good time as any.

So here's today's question: If you had to name the single most important quality of a good mate, what would it be?

Honesty: I think honesty is at the root of any healthy relationship. Even though it can be mean or not-so-fun-to-hear at times, but it's still better than any untruth. Maybe this is exceptionally important to me because I worry too much and am not always completely self-confident. Ask any paranoid, the stories he or she is capable of coming up with are way worse than any awful truth. Honesty is also the core of trust and once you lose trust, what exactly do you have left? If I know that my partner is being fully honest with me at all times, all the extra layers of garbage are automatically peeled off and we're communicating at the most fundamental of all levels. An honest mate is a mate who respects me and values me.

What other qualities?

Compassion: Someone I can lean on. Someone who will care for me and take the time to listen to me and understand me. Sounds cheesy but I think most people in the world want to be understood. Someone to listen to what I'm actually saying. Someone who will just hug me when there's no good option. Someone who will choose to be by my side through thick and thin. Someone who loves his family, babies and animals. Someone who's not embarrassed to kiss me in public.

Laughter: Someone who makes me laugh. Not much to say here. I love a man who can make me laugh.

Intelligence: I like people who make me think, people that give me different opinions, people who have interesting hobbies, people who can introduce me to new worlds.

How about you? What's the single most important quality that you care about?

Previously? Quiet.


January 23, 2002 ~ 00:01 | link | relationships | share[]


A MOMENT

Life can change in a moment's notice.

My interview went well, thank you to all of those who sent me wonderful messages and crossed limbs. I don't know the results yet and will not find out for a few weeks. All I could think of last night was how it's all over and now I just get to wait.

I'm not good at waiting.

Normally, that is. Ordinarily, I am just as stressed as if I actually had a say in what happens. But last night, I was so tired, so worn out that I just wanted to sleep. Just enjoy the momentary lack of obligations. And then my whole world changed.

A four-word question.

A magical moment.

A christmas tree shimmering with red white and blue, lit up angels, complete shock and public applause.

A single moment.

It didn't even stop there. It kept compounding. One set of good news after the other. One more unbelievable than the previous. So much so that waiting is not a problem anymore. It will probably take me a few weeks just to process all this news. Just to wipe off the smile from my face.

A single moment.

That's all it took.

Previously? Vortex.


December 07, 2001 ~ 00:12 | link | relationships | share[]


PICKY

A week ago, I called my mom and asked her why she chose to marry my dad.

"I was sixteen," she replied, matter-of-factly.

She went on to explain that she loved my father and in those days, people were too young to analyze it much further than that. My sister got married when she was twenty-three. Her boyfriend, who became her husband, has consistently been her best friend. So she was using more long-term criteria than my mom, but nothing too detailed.

Many of the unmarried women around me have a much more complicated set of requirements from a plausible marriage partner. To them, it's not enough to love. It's not enough to be best friends, either. They wonder if this man will make a good living. Is he successful? Is he patient? Does he like children? Will he make a good father? Will he be caring to her parents? Is he going to let her have her independence? Can he cook? Will he share some of the chores?

These are just some of the issues my friends raise. Not to mention the fundamentals, like physical attraction. They are twenty-seven and they have their own career, their own priorities, their own lives and the man is supposed to fit into all of that smoothly or it's not going to work.

Which is why it doesn't.

They either can't find a man or won't put up with the imperfections of the ones they do find. It seems that the longer you put it off, the more complicated marriage becomes. The older we are, the more established our lives are, the harder it is to fit the man into it. The more demanding we become, the less likely such a man exists.

What's the right way? Do we marry in faith and with love or do we compile a list of demands and find the man who meets them all?

My opinion is that, as in most things, the answer lies somewhere in the middle. While it's not a bad idea to make sure the man in your life is kind and caring to babies as well as you, it's also okay to not dwell on every tiny detail. It's really not that big a deal if he doesn't bring you flowers every weekend. He can forget to unfold a piece of clothing. What matters still are the core things. Love, friendship, caring and having similar values.

Sometimes it's best not to be so demanding.

Previously? Limbo.


October 08, 2001 ~ 00:10 | link | relationships | share[]


CRUSH ME

I've always had bad luck with crushes.



At 11, I had a crush on one of the guys in my group. I guess over here, it would be called my "circle". Anyhow this guy was two years older than I and we were friends. He was always nice to me but never in the way I actually wanted him to be. I never really knew whether he was aware of my crush or not.

Until one summer day, we were chatting in the disco at the club in Burgaz. (the island where we live in the summer) He asks me who my crush is.

I, very coyly, say, "I'm not telling you."

"Well is he in our group?" he hollers over the music.

"Yep." I say softly, snuggling closer so he can hear me. Any excuse to be physically close to him.

"Is he my age or older?"

"Yep."

He smirks. "I'm the only guy in our group who fits in that category."

DOH!

Talk about stupid. Amazingly, even after my totally moronic give away we never dated. A few years later, I got the impression that he might have been interested in me, but it was way too late.


At fifteen, I moved on to concentrate all my efforts on another completely unreachable goal. This one wouldn't even talk to me unless it was for a cordial greeting. Sadly, we never moved beyond that and eventually my interest waned. To this day, no one knows that I had a crush on this guy. Our mothers were good friends and after the previous disaster, I'd sworn that I wasn't telling anyone. Twelve years later, it's still my little secret. It's going to the grave with me.


At eighteen, it took me all of ten days to construct a huge crush on a classmate in Calculus. A quarterback nonetheless. He and I were good friends for a while. We did the math assignments together and it seemed to work well and it gave me a reason to see him regularly. The football program I mentioned a few days ago was purchased due to this crush.

My best friend and I ran all around campus trying to buy one of these game brochures once we discovered that this guy's picture was in it. But the game had already started and the school wasn't selling them anymore. So we walked around the benches and my friend flips out a ten-dollar bill and says that she will give it to the first person who gives her the program (which had been worth only five). Three people rushed in at once and one very happy man gave us the coveted booklet. Which I still have.

One of my friends in high school had told me about how she used the codename 143 to say I love you. So I figured it might be a good idea to embarrass myself thoroughly once more, cause it had been a while since the last time I did that. So, I wrote a letter to this guy. I can't even remember what it said, but it wasn't a declaration of love or anything. All I did was put a "P.S." on the bottom that simply said 143.

Wasn't I clever?

Well, not really. He figured it out. And yet once more, surprisingly, he stayed friends with me so much so that he confided in me about his crush on my roommate. And then proceeded to date her best friend.


After him, I swore off crushes.

Previously? The Right Moment.


July 27, 2001 ~ 00:07 | link | relationships | share[]


SLIPPERY

The odor of alcohol mixed with the rotten food stuck onto the dishes in the sink. It kept attacking my nostrils, forcing my stomach to do flips. My brain yelled at my body for not concentrating on the issue at hand. With his fingers around my neck, was bad smell really my primary concern?

His fingers curled around my neck. Not tight enough to holler for the police, but too tight for comfort. Too tight for me to gulp. His eyes started directly into mine, overcome with anger. Spiteful words sprung from his mouth.

"You're a piece of garbage."

"You're worthless."

Tears filled up my eyes but didn't dare to fall down. I knew crying was a bad idea. It would only serve to infuriate him further in his intoxicated state. He was so large, and his arms so strong, that all he needed to do was lift his hands slightly and my body would follow. He could easily pick me off of my feet. He hadn't even bothered to lift his other hand; one was enough to cover the area necessary to grab.

I didn't like his fingers around my neck. In fact, I worried I might throw up, which would be much worse than crying. But I didn't panic. I didn't yell. I didn't blabber, like I usually did. I whispered softly. There were people in the living room and I wasn't about to make a scene. I wanted this to end as quickly as possible. I didn't even disagree.

"You're no better than the scum in the trashcan," didn't sound so far-fetched to me. I really had provoked him, although for the life of me, I couldn't remember how this particular fight had started. He might have been right. He probably was right.

All I wanted was for this to stop. As the tears started pouring down my cheeks, I apologized. I told him he was right. I'd fix it, whatever it was. I'd make it better. We could work it out. We would work it out. At that moment, nothing mattered besides his happiness. He was right and I was wrong. I needed him to forgive me.

The stench of vodka burned my eyes. The heat in the room made his palm sweat. His voice was getting louder and I worried his friends would overhear. I whispered more, as if to overcompensate for his lack of quiet. I tried to reason with him. I told him that I loved him and that I would fix it. I was there for him. I'd always been there for him. We'd make it work. My mind buzzed, like an overzealous student, trying to find the right words. The magic words.

Anything.

I wasn't angry. I didn't doubt him. Nor hate him. All that would come later. For now, I was desperate. Desperate for him to understand. Desperate for him to love me again. For the anger to dissipate. For the hatred to end. I begged. I groveled. I cried.

He let go.

Previously? Competition.


July 19, 2001 ~ 00:07 | link | relationships | share[]


RELATIONSHIP BLISS

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who ignore problems and those who like to work through them.

It would be fair to say that I belong to the latter group. Until recently, I thought this was a desirable and mature characteristic.

Let's talk about the ones who believe in the bliss of ignorance. To me the idea that a problem would disappear if only it were never addressed sounded ludicrous. I kept saying "Are you telling me that if I completely ignore his picking his nose all day long, he'll actually stop?" I know many people who act as if the problems are simply not there. Some even make excuses to cover up. Anything, as long as we don't have to face the real issue.

I just think this option never gives the other person the benefit of the doubt. If a friend's behavior is upsetting me and I never tell her, she could possibly keep on doing it and I'd have no right to get more agitated, though I most likely would anyhow. Ignoring the issue only allows it to reoccur and it says to the other person that I don't think it would be worth my time to talk to her.

So it made perfect sense that if an issue arose between me and a person I cared about, I'd sit down as quickly as possible and tell the person my concerns. It also made sense to me that we would discuss the issue and our feelings about it until we came to possible resolutions and even picked one to try out.

I also used to subscribe to the 'don't go to bed angry' belief. So that mentality coupled with the previous made it dreadful when any problems occurred. Especially if the other party was one who likes to ignore the issues.

Imagine if you will, me sitting up in bed, frustrated about a problem and trying to talk it out with my boyfriend. He's tired and all he can think of is how to make this problem go away so we can sleep. So I talk and he nods. I suggest resolutions and he agrees to anything. I can tell what he's doing so I get more frustrated and now he's annoyed I won't drop it. Then I start realizing it's getting late but I can't go to bed angry, so it's even more urgent that we resolve the problem. So I push harder. I want him to cooperate. I need him to listen. He'd better believe in resolving issues and start suggesting viable resolutions or...

Well, you can imagine the rest. Not a pretty picture.

It seems there's a good time for ignoring an issue and a good time for addressing it. And nothing has to be done 'now'. If your relationship is solid, it's okay to go to bed angry and then resolve the issue in the morning when you're both calmer. It's even okay to ignore it for a while so the other person can breathe and be ready to talk. And it's also okay to ignore some things completely. Many habits come and go, instead of fighting each of them; I've learned it's best to pick your fights.

It's best to resolve the major issues, or at least really try to, and let go of the small ones. If the small problem gets bigger, you can address it then. On the other hand, if it disappears, you avoided some unnecessary talk.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not suggesting ignoring an alcohol problem or a situation where one person feels used. I'm talking about the little things, like putting the dishes next to the sink or not picking up the towels when they fall. Not everything needs a four-hour conversation, not everything needs to be fixed.

Next time you see a towel on the floor, think hard about how much time it will take for you to resolve that forever compared to the amount of time it will take you to simply pick it up.

And then pick the damn towel up.

Previously? Lead vs Follow.


June 04, 2001 ~ 00:06 | link | relationships | share[]


UNPRETTY

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

As always, I'm sure they're right. Thankfully, we all have our own ideas of beauty so that the wide varieties of humans who occupy the earth are each considered beautiful by one person or another.

I spoke to my mom yesterday and she told me about an event she had attended the previous evening. The event was organized by a distant family member I dislike. My mom said that the woman's daughter looked absolutely gorgeous and I replied, "She's such a terrible person that it's impossible for me to see her beauty."

After we hung up, I thought about my words and realized they were a perfect example of my true sentiments. When I see a stranger on the street, I might think she or he is beautiful but as soon as I get to know a person, my feelings about that person fully affect how good looking I think he or she is.

This is not to say that I don't have a "type". Even though the men I've dated have a wide range of looks, there are commonalities among them and I know that I prefer scrawny to buff. I like blue or green eyes. I tend to go for men who wear glasses. That's about it. So when I met Jake, I was attracted to him. But over the years, as I fell more and more in love, Jake got more and more handsome in my eyes.

The same goes for my close friends and people I admire and it's one of my favorite things about the web. The fact that I don't get influenced by the facial image before I get to know a person makes it such that I think the person is beautiful before I meet him or her and once I have that image it rarely goes away.

It's as if the inner beauty (or lack thereof) reflects on to someone's face and features.

I don't know if this behavior is specific to me, but I enjoy having it. While it makes it less pleasant for me to be around people I don't like, it makes it a total joy to be around my loved ones. I feel like I am often surrounded by beautiful humans.

What could be more wonderful?

Previously? Tearful Meetings.


May 01, 2001 ~ 00:05 | link | relationships | share[]


PEOPLE WE CHOOSE

At a quick glance, the men I've been with have nothing in common.

People say who you hang out with says a lot about who you are. In that case, I assume whom you date says even more. As opposed to our family, we choose our friends and significant others.

Including Jake, I've had four men in my life. Each had different heights and weights, with different colored hair and eyes. Different economic and religious backgrounds. Different family structures. Different levels of intelligence and motivation.

There are commonalities. Three of them had colored eyes and wore glasses. Three of them were scrawny and tall. Not that these things matter. Their personalities were each completely different. Most people who've met all four are quite confused at my lack of consistency.

But not me.

When I think of these men, I can tell exactly why all three were able to capture my heart.

They made me laugh.

I'm not sure why other people choose partners, but I tend to pick people that I think complement me. I look for happy men who will push me to try different things. I pick men who are more comfortable in their skin. I figure if I choose someone exactly like me, not only would it be no fun, but I wouldn't be able to grow.

The men in my life have all introduced new worlds to me. They made me see issues from a totally opposite perspective. They made (and continue to make, in Jake's case) life delightfully interesting.

When I choose friends, I tend to do a little bit of both. I have really close friends who have a similar background, value structure and family life to me. I also have friends who challenge my thought process, my beliefs, my lifestyle and my choices. If I surround myself only with people who agree with me, I don't believe I'd realize my mistakes as quickly. But all my friends have the same sense of loyalty to friendship as I do.

I think the people we choose to be with does say a lot about who we are and who we strive to be and with whom we are willing to associate.

Look at your life. Are all your friends the same? Why did you pick the people in you life? What do they have in common?

It's always good to know.

Previously? At the Movies.


April 02, 2001 ~ 00:04 | link | relationships | share[]


ONLY A GREETING

My first official boyfriend and I started dating a few months before I turned sixteen. Before he came along, I'd sort of been dating my best friend but we never publicly admitted it.

So this guy, whom we'll call James for ease of use, and I had known each other for ages. That summer we spent a lot of time together and finally became exclusive. At the time, there was no such thing as dating in Turkey, at least in my surroundings. You either were friends with someone or you were exclusive.

So James and I start seeing each other. We spend the next two years together. During this time we had many high points and a lot of hard times. I think that, overall, we had a pretty wonderful relationship. We laughed a lot. We cared for each other a lot and we fought little.

Since I was twelve years old, everyone around me has known that I planned to go to the US for college and for the rest of my life. It's been a consistent and public goal. In the months before I left for college, James and I spoke at length about the future of our relationship. I wanted to stay together and see where it goes but he said we were to breakup. It wasn't up for discussion.

So we separated. He took me to the airport on my last day and we kissed goodbye. We did talk on the phone during the first few weeks. After a month or two, I mentioned possibly seeing other people and he totally freaked. That was the beginning of the end. After a freaky few months, we stopped talking altogether. I started seeing someone else.

During the several trips home, I called him and tried to make up. It never worked. He was always cordial but we never spoke more than three words again.

This year, it will have been nine years since James and I broke up and we still don't speak. It seems like such a shame that I shared two beautiful years with someone whom I loved and gave a piece of my heart to and today we're nothing more than a "hello."

I don’t know what, but shouldn't it be more than that?

Previously? One Life to Live


February 21, 2001 ~ 00:02 | link | relationships | share[]


PHONE CALL

Words spill from my mouth before I can think. Even as I’m saying them I know it’s going to end bad. Yet I can’t stop myself.

We’ve been here so many times before. At one point, these words had become second nature. They felt comfortable and common, like chewing gum as we say in my language. We’d yell them out without any consideration or worry about hurting the other person. Something small would become the most important issue ever.

But not lately. We’ve been much better. Which is why I’m mad at myself for using the same words, the same tone. I desperately try to get a hold of my thoughts but my emotions are on overdrive. Inside my head, I scream at myself. I take a few deep breaths and finally manage to stop.

Tears are trickling down my cheeks. I whisper, "You knew what I would say and you’re now mad cause I said it."

He concurs. I guess we both wish I were different. But do people truly ever change?

"Just do whatever you want. It’ll be fine either way." I'm in too much physical pain to go through this.

He knows what that means. He's frustrated, but he's not mad. I know he loves me. No one else would put up with this much. I feel like hugging him. I hate it when he's away.

"I mean it. Go, have fun." To my surprise, I do mean it. I don't have the strength to make a big deal out of it.

He tells me he loves me and we hang up. I start wondering why I don't mind. Did I stop caring about us? Do I love him less? Is it just that the physical pain is overpowering everything else?

Or is it that I've finally begun to really trust him?

Not really. But I wouldn't realize that for another year, which was when I learned that sometimes it's best to cut your losses and let go.

Previously? People I Like


February 01, 2001 ~ 00:02 | link | relationships | share[]


UPDATES
Some updates on my earlier posts. After her post having prompted mine, Heather wrote about her thoughts on personal space. They are definitely worth reading and they made me think for a long time.

Six wrote me a real nice and interesting email on my post about the blame game. You can read most of it on his post and he has some insightful things to say. One of his greatest points is that blaming others is about not wanting to face yourself. And, of course, he's right.

At one point in our relationship, Jake and I fought a lot. What started as a quibble over where the dishes should go would quickly evolve into a twelve-hour shouting match. Since we'd already been together for quite some time, we knew exactly what to say to get the other party upset. We would sit there, blaming each other for the obvious shaky status of our relationship.

We both figured it was the other person's fault. If only he fixed this and did more of that and less of this other thing, we'd have the best relationship. We knew each other's faults. We knew each other's deepest fears. The weaknesses. We were really good at fighting and even better at making it the other person's fault.

At one point I realized that this game was bound to end ugly. It's funny that we choose partners cause we think they're so amazing and then we spend the rest of our relationship trying to change them. Especially funny considering we have the power to change no one but ourselves. So I told Jake that all he should concentrate on is trying to be the best that he can for our relationship. And that if he only worried about whether he was being his personal best and I worried about being my personal best, our relationship would be much smoother and happier.

I'm not sure whether we grew up, we changed, or whether we just stopped for no reason, but Jake and I have stopped fighting, almost completely. We seem to have fallen in love all over again. We work together now and love each other and support each other. Mostly, we face who we are, accept responsibility for our flaws and try to improve constantly.

I think this is working much better for us.

Previously? I love you.


January 21, 2001 ~ 00:01 | link | relationships | share[]


I LOVE YOU
I love you.

Three little words that carry tremendous weight. Uttered by some too quickly and by others not quickly enough.

When my ex boyfriend and I had started seeing each other for quite some time, he said, "I've never told any girl that I loved her." He looked proud. I, on the other hand, pitied him and almost said, "I'm so sorry for you." At that point I'd been lucky enough to love two men.

I haven't had that many boyfriends. Jake's my fourth and we've been together for the last six years. My shortest relationship has lasted around two years. So I don't take my relationships lightly. But I have loved each man I've dated. To be honest, in some ways I still do.

I don't believe love ever goes away completely. Loving someone is kind of like giving a piece of your soul or being to someone else. Even if things don't work out between the two of you, the person always carries a special spot in your heart. Their place in my heart is nowhere near what Jake occupies but it's still there. After having shared years of memories with someone, I don't think you can ever have no feelings whatsoever for that person.

I've never worried about saying, "I love you." I didn’t care whether I was the first or the other party had already uttered the words. With the exception of my first boyfriend, which was an exceptional circumstance, I can't even remember which one of us said it out loud first in any of my relationships. I think the hard part is having all the associated feelings, not saying the words.

Loving someone means giving that person a part of who you are. It means trusting them with a piece of your heart. It means taking a risk. And it hurts. But big rewards don't often happen without big risks.

So, if you love someone, I say, "Tell him. Tell her." Don't worry about what she or he thinks. This is not about the other person; it's about you and about how you feel. Love is an incredible feeling and you're lucky to be experiencing it. There is no reason to hide it. I tell Jake that I love him all the time. It doesn't take away from the importance of it. I don't just say it, I mean it.

Each and every single time.

Previously? Letting Go.


January 20, 2001 ~ 00:01 | link | relationships | share[]


SECRETS
I'm really bad at keeping secrets.

No, not the kind a friend whispers in your ear and asks you not to repeat. Actually, I'm pretty good at keeping those.

I've kept a diary since I was eleven years old and until college the little book with its tiny lock was the only one who knew my crushes, my thoughts and my insecurities. My friends would complain that they told me their entire life story and I never shared a word. They were right and I felt bad, especially for my really close friends. But the words refused to come out. During those times, when a friend informed me of her most recent crush she didn't even need to ask me not to repeat it.

I've always believed that people are bad at keeping secrets. Most people inherently feel the need to share. So when they have new information, they bubble with the excitement and will burst unless they do something about it. I used to write it in my diary and poof! It was out of my system.

As I grew older and stopped carrying ten-pound notebooks with a broken lock, I started to open up more and more. I still felt morally uncomfortable sharing other people's secrets, but mine became less important. (As for my needs-to-be-out-of-your-system theory, I, at some point, decided that whatever my friend chose to tell me was between us and deserved utmost respect. If she or he chose to share it with others, it was her or his choice but I refused to repeat it, even if it bubbled up. Hmm, that says so much about the validity of my theory, eh?)

Anyhow going to back to my secrets and my point, I decided opening up wasn’t such a bad idea. Most importantly if I ever did something that was relevant to another person; I became totally unable to hold on to that information. This often applies to my boyfriends (meaning the category in general, not that I currently have more than one), but is not limited to them.

My mother used to tell me that everything doesn’t need to be public. Some things are better not spoken. I disagree. I must, cause I can never follow that advice. I can never hide anything from my boyfriend. Even if I have a crush on some other guy or I'm about to have dinner with an ex. I keep telling myself that it's no big deal and if I tell him, he'll think it is and that I shouldn't tell him and then the moment he walks into the room, I blurt it all out.

The truth is that I think it's a big deal when I choose not to tell him (assuming I'd do such a thing). If I feel the need to keep it from him, I must have a reason. Do I secretly hope something will happen between this guy and me? Am I still hung over the ex? The only reason I'd choose not to share the event with my boyfriend is if I believe I'm doing something wrong. I just think that there is no point in playing games. If either one of us is going to cheat then what's the point of continuing our relationship? Obviously it's lost whatever it had.

This habit has been enhanced by a remarkably understanding man who is my current boyfriend. Honesty has made our relationship solid and lasting.

Now when I feel the urge to lie, I ask myself what that says about my relationship with the other person.

In my case, that there isn't much of a relationship to begin with.

Previously? Nitpicking.


January 09, 2001 ~ 00:01 | link | relationships | share[]


LITTLE THINGS
I used to think that the little things mattered most. A card during anniversaries, a phone call on my birthday, flowers on Valentine's day, stuff like that. I figured that shows how strongly the person really feels about you. I mean if someone takes the time to remember special memories, that person must love you, right?

Well, my ex boyfriend was all that and more when it came to little gestures. On one of the Valentine's Days during the time we dated in college, he got three of the kids on his dorm to wear suits and sing to me, on their knees, "You Lost That Loving Feeling." He gave me roses on our anniversary each month, as many roses as the months we'd been dating. When he graduated and got accepted to a graduate school far away, he made a small audio chip in a heart-shaped candy box. Each time I pressed the button, I could hear his voice, telling me how much he loved me and how badly he missed me. It might be corny, but it was also sweet. He was romantic and he remembered every special date.

Sounds lovely, doesn't it?

Until you look at the other side of the coin.

The same guy had an alcohol problem and used to abuse me verbally and physically when he drank. We went to a few Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, but it never worked. He had too much anger. He wasn't willing to give up the drinking. It's hard enough to give up when you feel ready. It's impossible when you do it for someone else. For a long time, I made excuses and said that it was my fault for pushing him and making him mad. But we won't talk about that. Not now.

Anyhow, my point is that since I had that experience, I've reconsidered my priorities. Sure it's nice to get flowers on my birthday or for no reason at all, but it's crucial to stay on top of the big things first. Now, when I hear my friends talking about how the guy might not open the door for her or how he didn't get the most romantic present for their anniversary, I hope that they will never have to worry about having real problems.

I know that if you're mostly a reasonable person, while reading this you'll be telling yourself, "Dork, of course I know that it's most important to be with a guy who doesn't abuse you." But how often do you keep that in perspective?

We only get picky when we have the luxury to do so.

Previously? Chicken.


January 08, 2001 ~ 00:01 | link | relationships | share[]


ANNIVERSARY
So my exam is over! Finally and thankfully. I'm not exactly sure how well I did, but I'm just glad it's over. Now, I can take some downtime that's much needed. Especially since my back is still breaking into bits. I plan to do a lot of lying down as I promised my mother. And it's time to start answering some of my really dated mail.

I've decided to bring some Christmas feel to my page. Feel free to let me know what you think.

Yesterday, December 2nd, was my anniversary with Jake. 6 years. We've been together for 6 years. Considering that I've only been in the United States for 8.5 years, that's a really large chunk of my American life.

Jake and I met cause we taught the same class in college. It was a student-taught computer course. I was a junior and he a sophomore. The most distinct memories I have from our first couple of months involve lots of laughter. Laughter and hours and hours of talking. We talked until the wee hours of the morning. About nothing. About everything.

He lived in a very unusual dorm and we spent hours hanging out with his friends. I remember a month during which we constantly played Son of a Preacher Man. Non-stop. Every time one of us entered the dorm room, we'd go "Oh my God! Turn it up, it's my favorite song!" We didn't even turn it off while we slept. We also spent several months playing Lucas Arts games, like Day of the Tentacle and Full Throttle. Most of my favorite college memories are with Jake.

After I graduated and moved to New York, we spent a summer living together and we fought non-stop. But we survived it. He went back to college to finish his senior year and we survived a year of long distance. We then moved back in together and learned to make it work without killing each other. We've even come to a point where we can't imagine having better roommates than each other. Recently, I spent six months in Japan and he stayed here. The long distance was no problem. We spent hours on the phone, talking like the first days of our relationship. Having recently read Zeldman’s story, I smiled at how much it resembled our relationship.

My life with Jake has had ups and downs. But so many more ups. He's taught me what it means to really laugh and he makes me feel loved more than anyone else I've ever been with. Each time he hugs me, I know that I can never let go. Each time I look into his eyes, I fall in love all over again. He makes me want to be a better person. He’s truly my best friend.


Thank you for all those wonderful years, my love. Here's to many more.

Before?


December 03, 2000 ~ 00:12 | link | relationships | share[]


EXES
Apologies but still not spell checking my posts. My eyes are better today but still blurry and getting on my nerves. It's amazing how quickly we adapt and start taking things for granted. I can now wake up and see everything and instead of being grateful and feeling blessed, I get annoyed that I can't see perfectly. I am so spoiled.

On more weird things about Turkey, on October 22nd they are trying to count the population so they can know how many people live in Istanbul. To do this, the government made it illegal to go out. On that day everyone is required to sit at home so people can come around and count the number of people in your household. Nice eh?

I've been thinking about my ex boyfriends lately. Of my three, I am only conversant with one. Personally, I'd talk with all three but the other two won't talk to me. I used to always believe that if you were ever truly in love with someone you could never get over it enough. Not enough to feel comfortable when you see that person with a new lover. Now that I think about it again, I am not sure I still feel that way. My second boyfriend and I dated ten years ago. I loved him very much and we broke up because I left to come to the United States. It's been ten years or so and he still won't talk to me. I am confidant that if he were dating someone he was madly in love with it would not bother me one bit. Since I am so happy with my current boyfriend and have found happiness, I wish the same for him. And I wish that someone with whom I'd shared so many great memories would still be in my life enough that I could wish him a happy birthday or a merry christmas. Oh well. I spose one can't have it all. Or can she? Is it really the case that exes cannot ever stay friends?

Before?


October 13, 2000 ~ 00:10 | link | relationships | share[]


LOVE!


Happy Birthday Jake!


September 05, 2000 ~ 00:09 | link | relationships | share[]
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