Today’s card says: Sometimes choosing means being brave. Sometimes it means listening to your soul even when it is not what would be nice. Even when you feel conflicted doing what feels right deep down in your soul.
I struggle with this all the time. What I feel in my core and what I feel is right to do, clash often. Or at least enough times that it makes it a struggle. I’ve spent a lot of the last two years really trying to connect with who I am and being at peace with that. Really embracing my soul. I’ve been trying to look deeper and try to differentiate between things that require bravery and things that my soul whispers me not to do. I work hard on who I am and always try to improve. Always try to challenge myself and see if I can become a better version of myself.
But I also want to embrace who I am. It’s much easier to improve yourself when you’re 100% at peace with who you are. And I’m in my 40s now, I want to be done doubting myself nonstop. I want to be able to the whispers of my soul and do what feels deeply right to me. Deeply authentic to who I am. Even if it’s not the “right” thing to do. Even if it might not always mean that I put the people I love first. Sometimes choosing means putting me first. Doing what feels right to me.
Part of growing up, to me, is embracing who I am. Being ok with the fact that sometimes my choices aren’t what others want. Sometimes I will disappoint people. Sometimes I will even disappoint people I love. But part of growing up, part of choosing is being clear with myself about when I am disappointing myself. When I am choosing not to listen to part of myself that I know to be true.
And I think knowing that I do in fact have a choice is a crucial first step in being able to make a choice. I did this recently. It was hard. I chose myself over others. I chose what felt deeply right to me. It hurt some people. It made me really sad to hurt them. But it still felt right. I know that given the option, I would do it again, even when I know it felt terrible to hurt people I love.
I can’t be true to myself if I won’t even let myself listen to myself. I can’t make choices that I am not aware of. So part of choosing is learning to listen to my soul. Learning to differentiate what my own true wishes are in a situation. Being aware that there is a choice. And making my choice with that awareness.
Choosing Means is a Monthly Project for May 2016. You can read more about my projects for 2016 here.