Moments from this Week – 21

This week is about Nathaniel’s class trip to Pie Ranch, David’s play in Sense and Sensibility, Google IO and tidbits of life.

I love having these ephemera in the book with my photos

and i love the small stripes of text


Moments from this Week 2018 is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

Books I Read This Week 2018 – 21

This was a travel week which means lots of books. I will say I am still in a slump where I don’t really feel like reading and I start a lot of books and stop them. 

I picked up First, We Make the Beast Beautiful because Ali mentioned it and I thought it would be an interesting read. It was interesting but also I think I have to read it a few more times. 

Blackfish City was an interesting read. I enjoyed it but it was darker than I wanted at that moment.

This Messy Magnificent Life was lovely and I should read more of her.

If You’re in My Office, It’s Already Too Late was a quick read. Interesting and full of tidbits that are helpful. 

The Perfect Mother was a different mystery for a change, not about drunk women. It also was honest about how hard it is to be a mom. I really liked that part. 

The Girl Who Smiled Beads was sad and empowering at once. It goes to show you that we can overcome so many things in life.

Only Child the best book I read in weeks. It was incredibly sad and very depressing but it was also fantastic. I am glad I read it.


Books I Read this Week 2018 is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

Stories from 2018 – 21 – David in Sense and Sensibility

David’s class put on 4 different plays last week. Midsummer Night’s Dream. Henry the 5th, some Improv and Sense and Sensibility. David’s third choice was the last one and alas that’s what he got. They put on an 80s version of the play and it was quite lovely.

The best part was all the 80s music they played in between the scenes. 

In a few weeks, they will be going to Ashland and watching professionals put on all these plays. I am so excited that he’ll get to experience that!


Stories from 2018 is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018here.

On My Mind – 21 – Endless Worrying

I want to be an optimist. 

I want to be the kind of person who can look at my life and know that I am doing my best. And approach things from the perspective of growth and gratitude and putting my best foot forward. And then letting everything else go. 

I want to have faith that things will work out.

I want to remember that nothing is really unrecoverable and things work out in the end.

I want to let things go.

I want to just relax.

Yes, that’s it.

I want to just relax.

But alas. I can’t. I won’t. I don’t.

I worry constantly. I am often sad. I am anxious. I think of the worst possible outcomes. When there isn’t much to worry about, I tend to make things up. 

And I definitely can’t just relax.

I don’t want to feel any of these things. I don’t thrive on being down so often. I don’t thrive on fearing the worst. I don’t thrive on being worried.

At least I don’t think I do.

But I can’t remember being any other way. This is who I am, this is how I show up in the world. This is what I know. 

On my mind this week is the fact that I am so tired of feeling this way all the time. That I want to just be done being this way and instead choose peace. Choose to have faith and choose to lean into that faith. Lean into peace. 

If only I knew how.


On My Mind is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

Stronger Than Before – 21

 

Weekly Intention: This week is reasonably quiet. We will all be home for the first time in a while. I have to go to school once and the doctor once. Jake has surgery at the end of the week and we all have a long weekend. Otherwise, it’s an ordinary week. The last full week of school. My intention this week is to take things slow. I will rest. I will spend time with my family and I will work on healing and making a plan for myself to feel better. 

This month’s intention is:  Quietly Strong: How can you bring more calm into this month? May is chaotic with lots of endings and transitions. Celebrate but also stay calm. Stay grounded. What will help here?  I haven’t been doing a great job here. I am calm on the surface but anxious under it. I am working on it. Not sure why I won’t journal either.

One way I will stretch this week:  I will do the best I can with the summit but let it go after that.

One boundary I will set this week: I will rest. I need the sleep and the mental rest even more than that.

This week, I will focus on pleasing: myself.

One new thing I will learn this week: moved on to Italian now since Italy is next. 

One area where I will go deeper this week: self-work. 

What do I need to sit with this week? how i am feeling. 

I am looking forward to: being home, sleeping in my own bed, hugging my family, spending time with jake.

This week’s challenges: jetlag+prep work for summit+friday

Top Goals: 

  • Work:  get pm summit in a good place
  • Personal: make a plan
  • Family: support nathaniel in his project

I will focus on my values:

  • Love: take time to look inward
  • Learn: italian
  • Peace: peace with where i am 
  • Service: to pm summit.
  • Gratitude: being home

This week, I want to remember: that it doesn’t mean anything. feelings are ephemeral.


Stronger Than Before is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

Weekly Reflection 2018 – 20

How I got Stronger this week: This was a tough week. I had a super-long way to Tokyo through Seoul and there was a delay so by the time I got to Tokyo, I was really exhausted. And with the exception of the next day, I woke up between 2:40 and 3:20am every day.  I was wiped almost every single night. But of course it was also wonderful. I got to connect with my work mates. I worked out two of the days and  we spent one day running around Tokyo and doing drumming. I wasn’t feeling my best so it was tough emotionally either but there were moments of joy and learning and most importantly the actual summit was successful, I think. So net net it was a week of getting stronger. I have one more summit to get through and then I can breathe a little bit.

Top Goals Review: the pm summit is still making progress. tokyo summit went well. do tabata twice. did not journal. ate so so, rested a lot but not successfully. chatted daily, came home 🙂

I celebrate: I celebrate being back home with my family. 

I am grateful for: a reasonably successful summit.

Karen’s Points: still doing the tabata. 

A Change I embraced: tokyo, food, hours, feeling off.

I let go of: trying to do everything. i slept and rested and did work i needed to do but not much more.

Core Desired Feelings Check-in:

  • Fresh: i tried some japanese food which is a big deal for me.
  • Magical: magical to be in tokyo again after all those years.
  • Lighter: lighter now that i am back from the trip
  • True: truth is that i am still tired and all the other feelings i mentioned yesterday. i am off but i will work on it. i don’t want to feel this way.

Where I chose Joy: Jake’s hugs when I got in, Nathaniel’s hugs when he got off the bu, and seeing David back from his trip were the highlights of my week. 

I showed up for:  work this week.

A Mistake I made this week: i overworried, i yelled at my son for biting his nails, i need to work on myself.

What I tolerated this week: exhaustion.

My mood this week was: down. 

I forgive myself for: feeling off. it’s going to be ok.

What I love right now:  being back home.


Weekly Reflection is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

Moments from this Week – 20

This week is about the Tech Challenge, Nathaniel’s birthday party, and a few more photos from Sydney.

David and his team. And his wonderful photography, too.

a few shots from Sydney. Love looking at all of these 🙂


Moments from this Week 2018 is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

Books I Read This Week 2018 – 20

Only a few books this week. I listened to more music than usual and just didn’t find a book I was very into. 

I liked Look Alive out There more than i thought i would. She’s funny. Some of the essays are amusing, others didn’t really speak to me but I am glad I read it.

My Oxford Year  was totally meh. Tried to be a Jojo Moyes but wasn’t successful in my humble opinion.

Everybody Lies was a fascinating read and I really liked it. It made me think a lot and started some great conversations. 


Books I Read this Week 2018 is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

Stories from 2018 – 20 – Pie Ranch

Nathaniel’s class went away for their first sleepover camp this week. They went to pie ranch which was just an hour or so away.

He was super excited to go.

He loves spending time with his friends.

So this is a situation where he thrives.

here are a few photos he took while he was there.

love the sign. love the goat.

love that he took a photo of this rumi quote!

they did farm chores, ate pie and spent a lot of time running around. 

so grateful for these magical experiences, and so grateful he’s back safe.


Stories from 2018 is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018here.

On My Mind – 20 – Work in Progress

I get hung up on the smallest things sometimes. Details that really don’t matter in the scheme of life. Details that nag at me and cause me to be my ungenerous self and yet I can’t let go. They poke at me. They scream inside my head. 

This happened to me earlier this week when something really small happened and I just couldn’t let it go and I got really upset and then really angry and then I felt really ashamed of my behavior and got really, really sad. This is what Tara Brach calls the second arrow of self-judgement. Where I am feeling the pain and then I hurt myself more by judging myself on top of it. And the whole time I was still having trouble letting go of the little thing and that only added to my shame. I want to be a better person that that. I want to be able to remind myself what matters most and I want that to override all the other worries. 

I don’t know how to do this. 

On good days, I can remember what matters. I can remember to be my best self. I can remember to be kind and generous and loving. But in these moments, I am so triggered that it almost doesn’t matter what else is going on. Everything is filtered through the narrow, negative lens of what’s going on in my head. My heart is tiny. My thoughts are spinning, leaving no room for anything. Especially no room for being present. Being able to see what’s actually happening in this moment. 

This is also what makes me yell when I don’t want to. This is what is happening each time I do something I later regret. I am not remembering what matters most. I am not remembering that I care more about loving kindness than I care about anything else. I know deep down in my heart that I want to love and be loved and honestly it’s all I want. It’s something that can’t be replaced by any belonging or work recognition. I don’t want to look good, i want to be good and do good, especially for those whom I love but honestly for everyone. I want to be able to be kind all the time. I want to be able to remind myself that I care more about this than anything else.

Always.

But I struggle. And I don’t know the trick. How do I make sure to channel that in those moments where I am triggered. How can I quiet the voices inside down quickly and swiftly so I can remember? 

That’s what’s on my mind this week. I haven’t figured it out. Still pondering. 


On My Mind is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

Weekly Reflection 2018 – 19

How I got Stronger this week: This was the week in between, when I was home for a few days before I take off again. I was tired and didn’t have a lot of free time but I still tried to exercise several times. I did the Tabata a few of the days and rested on the others. I worked for Google IO for a few days, I also went out to book club one night and went to the kids’ school 4 times this week so it was full full full. I will say that I have a long list of things rattling in my mind and I am wishing I had some time to seriously slow down and think about them. Unfortunately, I am not sure that will happen anytime reasonably soon. I will be in Tokyo next week and then I am home for four weeks but I have another big summit to plan during that time as well as all the end of the school year activities. After that we are traveling East and then come home briefly to then go on our big summer trip. So there’s no rest until around July for me. At which point, I am sure I will need a few weeks to catch up on my work and jetlag and more. So maybe August is my slow month before a new school year starts and puts everything into a frenzy again. Anyhow all this is weighing heavily on me lately and I feel like I am having a tough time catching up to my life. So my ability to fulfill some of the goals of wanting to be stronger is feeling weaker than I’d like. Maybe what I need is a re-definition of the word strong here. Or some way of framing myself to be able to be successful in between all the trips. I don’t want these two months to feel like a blur. I want to live the days but I also want to give myself some room to breathe. Anyhow, this is not about how I got stronger, but more about what I’m struggling with in this space, I guess. 

Top Goals Review: the pm summit is shaping up a bit more and I am feeling so-so about it still but optimistic that we will pull something together. Did the HIIT (tabata really), didn’t journal a lick, ate so-so and rested but not enough. Packed again. Helped Nathaniel and snuggled with him and spent some time with David and Jake, too. 

I celebrate: I celebrate Nathaniel’s wonderful time away from home, i celebrate my husband who had a great meeting this week, and i celebrate david who performed this week. 

I am grateful for: the lovely weather we’ve been having this week, a little sunshine can fix so many things.

Karen’s Points: tabata this month, i alternate between two different ones and then take a rest day.

A Change I embraced: nothing super specific is coming to mind this week. i was jetlagged but decided to roll with it and go to bed late and still wake up at 6am to see if I can help prep myself for Tokyo. we’ll find out.

I let go of: i dropped the ball in all sorts of ways this week but i am not sure that i let go of any of it, i just really feel tired.

Core Desired Feelings Check-in:

  • Fresh: really liking doing the japanese and a lot of the IO work was fresh 🙂
  • Magical: magical to see how excited nathaniel was to leave on his school trip
  • Lighter: lighter with knowing i might finally have a back fill.
  • True: truth is that i am tired. i am feeling sad. overwhelmed. and a bit disconnected from myself lately. i am also happy and grateful but underneath it, i am struggling with aligning my expectations with my life lately.

Where I chose Joy: i went to pick up nathaniel when he got back from his trip and it was the best moment of my week.

I showed up for:  my kids this week. spent a lot of time with N on his project

A Mistake I made this week: i really broke my son’s heart last night and i am still heartbroken about it. i apologized and he accepted of course because he’s kind and loving but i am really sad about it.

What I tolerated this week: a lot of churn.

My mood this week was: tired but grateful, too. 

I forgive myself for: still not feeling grounded for the summit work. it will come together, i have faith.

What I love right now: The greatest showman soundtrack.


Weekly Reflection is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

Stronger Than Before – 20

 

Weekly Intention: As you read this, I’m flying to Tokyo. I will arrive pretty late Monday and spend three and half days there and come back from Friday before David gets back from his trip, hopefully. David will be Yosemite the whole week, back country backpacking with his class. He’s not thrilled but I know it will be an adventure he won’t forget. I arranged my flight so I can be back before he is. So Nathaniel and Jake will be together just the two of them this week and I will be with my new team in Tokyo. I haven’t been to Tokyo since 1999. Back then, I spent six months there working for Goldman Sachs which is in fact in the same exact building Google is in so it will be interesting to go to the exact same spot where I was and see how much I remember, see how much has changed, see how I feel this time. I am nervous and excited and honestly so tired that a little unable to feel much. I have been studying some of my Japanese (which I used to be able to speak so much better 20 years ago) and mentally preparing myself for food I know I don’t like. So, anyway, here’s my intention for this week: I want to really be present with the people I am there with. I have some work I feel like I need to do while I am there but outside of that, I want to really focus on getting closer to the teams there and have the very best time I can. I want to be kind, generous, open. 

This month’s intention is:  Quietly Strong: How can you bring more calm into this month? May is chaotic with lots of endings and transitions. Celebrate but also stay calm. Stay grounded. What will help here? How can I show up as my best self?

One way I will stretch this week:  Being in Tokyo will stretch me plenty.

One boundary I will set this week: I will make sure to go to sleep as early as possible on each of the nights. I know I will need my rest.

This week, I will focus on pleasing: my new manager+team.

One new thing I will learn this week: still Japanese. 

One area where I will go deeper this week: the work my new team is planning to discuss. 

What do I need to sit with this week? the overwhelm i seem to be feeling. 

I am looking forward to: alone time on the plane, seeing tokyo again.

This week’s challenges: jetlag+a lot of socializing

Top Goals: 

  • Work:  a successful tokyo summit + get pm summit in a good place
  • Personal: do tabata, journal, eat well, rest.
  • Family: come home and hug the kids super tight, support jake remotely as much as i can, chat daily

I will focus on my values:

  • Love: self care and self love in all the down moments this week
  • Learn: japanese, more about each team member
  • Peace: peace with being away again
  • Service: to the new team.
  • Gratitude: to getting to go to tokyo again after all these years

This week, I want to remember: that i am doing a good job, there are phases in life and this is the one i am in at this moment.


Stronger Than Before is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.