Today I might eat the eraser off my pencil.
I'll look at clouds.
I'll be late,
I don't think I'll wash.

I need a rest.

Here's something I've learned from having spent ten years in a foreign country: it's easy to judge others.

One would think I could have had this lesson in my home country. Or that it should have nothing to do with countries at all. And one would be right. Being judgmental seems to be human nature. It's our way of vocalizing something that we don't approve. It's our way of criticizing and speaking up. All of which is within one's right, or it should be. Each person is entitled to his or her own opinion on all matters. The fact that it's your opinion means it's yours and no one can tell you otherwise.

So I've been working hard at reminding myself that when people criticize my choices, my actions, my thoughts, my feelings and my country, they have a right to feel or think the way they do. What bothers me, however, is the quickness with which people judge. Most people I know never bother to learn all sides of a matter and never care to listen to an opposing view.

If a person wants to upgrade a thought from opinion to declaration or even something that they believe is worth discussing, I think it's crucial for that person to have completed the appropriate research. I could come to you and say, "I think three-year-old boys are stupider than three-year-old girls." And if you have any interest in discussing this subject matter with me (which might be debatable after you hear the biased and ignorant way in which I worded my claim) you'd ask me what my sources are. Where is my data? How exactly do I define "stupid"? What is the pool of three-year-olds I have researched? Was this a controlled experiment? For my statement to be anything more than something I pulled out of thin air, I must have some examples and data to back it up.

The same goes for history. It's easy for someone to have opinions on who did wrong when it comes to some of the world's major historical blunders. But even with 20/20 hindsight, it's nearly impossible to prove that one's opinion is more valid than another's. It's easy for you to sit in your chair and say that a country that's oceans away from your living room should do such-and-such to put a stop to the terrible situation over there. Yet, who are we to say exactly what's going on?

I'm always amazed at the way people react when they find out that I'm Turkish. Over the ten years, I've heard just about anything and everything. How this was our fault and that was our fault, etc. Not that I'm disagreeing about anything specific but I really do doubt that most of these people know anything about Turkey besides the few lines they've read in their history books or heard from another opinioned source. At least I'm honest enough to admit that my education and exposure was biased and that I don't know all the facts. I don't know the situation and such I am not really willing to pass judgement.

While I completely agree that taking any human's life is an awful act and we shouldn't be killing people, especially as aimlessly as it appears to be lately, I also understand how complicated the world is and how near impossible it is to place blame. It's never one person's fault. Often times, there are deep-rooted problems that require years and years of work to reach a possible resolution. And maybe I am naive, but I do believe that people don't enjoy killing others. Even the most evil-seeming ones do it out of a corrupt or confused sense of justice, but not for the sake of senseless murder. Not that it makes it excusable. It just allows me to keep my sense of faith in the world, I suppose.

I love America. To me it's the homeland I never had. I feel like it's where I was meant to live all along. And I also love Turkey; it's a crucial part of my identity, one that I have always been proud to vocalize. And when I hear people criticize either nation, I feel protective urges rise within me. I feel like telling people that they are unappreciative and bitter. But then I listen. In case they have something valuable to say. To hear the meat behind their opinions. To see if they've done their research. To find out if it's anything besides judgmental banter.

So that I can learn.

Previously? Shedding.

I've realized that, like many others around me, I'm a victim of 'limited point of view.'

I remember years of torturous childhood experiences and pain just to be able to hang out with the group of people I was initially thrust in. My parents' friends' children. These people, purposefully or not, made me feel worthless on a regular basis. They made fun of my looks, my habits, my opinions, my preferences. Just about everything. They hurt me so much and so to the core that I can recite most of their words even today. I can even tell you exactly where those words were uttered. But I couldn't even perceive the idea of not hanging out with them. I had no other friends. If I stopped trying to fit in this group, I'd be completely alone. It felt as if I had absolutely no other choice.

A few years later, an opportunity presented itself and I was able to find a new group of friends more accepting and rewarding that the previous, which helped me regain some of my long lost sense of self and allowed me to find even more appropriate friends. The hardest part was straying from the initial path.

Looking back, it's easy for me to say that I should have left even sooner, I should have made friends of my own. But the fact is, at the time, my limited point of view did not allow for that possibility. It's hard to seek something that doesn't even cross your mind, or something that's clearly not an option for you.

The same thing happened when I graduated from college. Having wanted to study computers since I was ten, I immediately found a job as a programmer and got on the path to 'success.' In the first few years I had a lot of tough times. Worked many weekends and late late nights, dealt with irresponsible and immature bosses, took a lot of the stress home with me. There were many times I spent hours crying from frustration and loss of hope. Even though my family and loved ones told me to quit, I never considered it to be an option. I didn't really see a way out.

It sounds stupid now, but it truly was a lack of point of view at the time. I was so locked in my path that it seemed unthinkable to waver. It took a long time for me to come to terms with my unhappiness and I had to get really miserable before I started taking initiative. And literally within the week I moved into my new job, I wondered what took me so long. I realized that it was easily possible for me to be happy at a job and that I was insane for having suffered as long as I did in my previous one.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

I am now standing at another crossroads in my life. Another case where I am struggling to look at my life from another point of view. Giving up a lucrative job and one that appears successful and amazing to others. A job that I enjoy. This time it's for a bigger cause. This time I don't know if things will work out. I'm feeling the same anxiety I've felt before. The fear of leaving the comforts of my chosen path. I'm struggling to let it not get to me.

I'm trying to stand on my table and look at it from a different point of view.

Previously? Shortchanged.

Jake and I saw startup.com last week. The movie follows the conception, rise and fall of an internet startup. Govworks is the name of the firm that the documentary follows. At one point in the movie, the main character, the CEO of the company, mentions how their idea is for the good of the people. How the reason they exist is to help people. It's not his exact words, it might not even be the exact logic behind his words, but the words made me wonder about the plausibility of for-profit companies that exist for the good of humanity. All these words just to ask:

Is it possible for a profit company to have the public's interest at heart?

The idea behind serving the public interest is finding an area where there is a need for help. Building houses. Teaching in inner-city schools. Providing service for the deaf. Giving shelter to the needy. Running a soup kitchen. The idea is to try to make the world a better place. The idea is to wake up each morning and be able to look yourself in the mirror. Working for the public interest is an unselfish act.

A for-profit company's ultimate goal is to make money. Regardless of the specific purpose and details of the company, a for-profit is inherently trying to accumulate profit. The profits are not to be donated to the public. In most cases, they are so that the company can do well in an IPO. And then they are so that the company's shares stay high. And then they are so the partners can be wealthy. Making money for oneself is a selfish act. Not selfish in the 'you're such a selfish pig' sense but in the 'you're putting yourself first' sense.

Can the selfish world of for profit companies mesh with the non-selfish cause of doing good for the public? It seems to me that a for-profit firm, when push comes to shove, would have to do what's right for the business. Take the alternative that might bring in more money. Even at the cost of forgoing human interest. Which makes me think that for-profit and human interest cannot go together.

Initially, when I thought about companies working for human interest, I could only think of non-profit agencies or organizations. Then I started thinking of professions. Doctors. Teachers. Government workers. Both doctors and teachers have a wide range. There are doctors that charge an arm and a leg. There are private tutors who do the same. And yet, many doctors and teachers make so little that tons of people choose not to go into the profession for that very reason. The question of whether teachers should get paid a lot is an involved one and deserves another entry for another day.

It's been a few days and at the back of my mind, I'm still pondering whether the coupling of working for human interest and running a for-profit firm is one of lifelong happiness or one bound to result in divorce.

Any ideas?

Previously? Obligations.

There's a discussion at metafilter about growing up, prompted by this.

In the last five years or so, I've spent a lot of time wondering what qualifies someone as a grownup, or more personally, when I would qualify as one. Looking at the comments at metafilter, there seem to be a few common themes: a parent's death, having a full-time job, buying a house, getting a divorce. It appears the definition of grown-up changes from person to person. Some people associate it with earning a living on one's own while others relate it to coping with an emotional event.

Each time I cross a major milestone in my life, I wonder if I'm mature enough to be there. Moving to another continent, earning a high salary, paying a hefty rent, getting married. Each of them, an event associated with being a grownup. Am I really mature enough to get married? Am I mature enough to be a teacher?

I spent most of my childhood being too old for my age. A teenager who didn't drink, smoke, or do drugs is pretty boring. I picked books over dress-up. I had goals. I had to work hard to achieve them. At seventeen, I left my home and my family to go miles and miles away. I figured I was old enough.

Not really.

Over the years, I learned that being mature is not a line one crosses. It's not like there's a day before which you're a child and after which you're a grownup. There are events that occur in our lives that force us to act mature and take responsibility, often sooner than we wished. And then there are events for which the time feels right so we take the leap, like marriage and children. I don't believe anyone's ready to have children. It just feels right and we feel like we're in a healthy, stable situation and that we can provide for a child.

And then there are the situations that cause every person to act below their age. A few too many glasses of wine. Hanging out with a kid. Watching a football game. Playing video games. Besides these common cases, each person has a unique series of situations that will reduce that person to a child.

I've come to terms with the fact that getting older will always feel weird to me. Getting married like my parents and working as a teacher both sound odd when uttered to someone else but feel comfortable and right when I don't think much about it. I don't think it matters much when one officially stops being an adolescent. Putting a number on it guarantees that there will be people within the range who feel unfairly treated like a child, and a set of people who fall outside the range but yet act like adolescents.

Life is not about keeping track or fitting in a category. It's about learning to deal with things as they come and taking responsibility. It's also about maximizing the level of fun, no matter how childish, as long as it's not at the expense of others.

The rest simply doesn't matter.

Previously? Looking Forward.

Can you change who you are?

At first thought, my instinct is to say, "yes." One part will, two parts determination and mix thoroughly.

Over nine years ago, I moved to the United States. I remember the day I got accepted to Carnegie Mellon University as if it happened this morning. The telegram, the flowers and the tears. I'd wanted to come to America since my early teens and getting into CMU had been a long and strenuous journey.

I remember thinking that this was my one chance to change. To start over. No one knew me in the US, no one had grown up with the geeky Karen who wore glasses as thick as a coke-bottle bottom. No one knew my weaknesses, no one could use my past to make fun of me. It was the perfect opportunity to have a personal makeover. I was determined to change myself.

Week one came and I was cool. I made some new friends, I laughed at the right times, I wore the right things and I didn't say anything too embarrassing. I don't mean to imply that I was at the center of the in-crowd or anything, but I did manage not to screw up anything major. So it was possible to change oneself, after all.

Not exactly.

It took a few weeks or so, but eventually I made my way back to the original Karen. The one with the same set of flaws, the collection of not-so-cute quirks and the same baggage. The new Karen was just a role, and one can only act for so long. The new skin we create becomes uncomfortable. It's too tight or too loose. It just doesn't feel right.

Over the years, I've had a few opportunities to start over. The move to Pittsburgh, a new boyfriend, and then another, a move to New York City and a new job. Each presented me with the same titillating need to create a new Karen and every single time, I crawled right back into the familiar one.

So is it impossible to change oneself?

I think that when we make a conscious effort, it's extremely difficult to change who we are. And yet, I also think that we change continuously. Each day of our lives small things happen. These tiny, insignificant bits change us in miniscule ways. Sometimes huge things occur and our personality takes leaps. But often times, these are not premeditated. So much so that even we might not notice that we changed until the right opportunity presents itself. Not only is it possible to change oneself, but we are continuously in the process of changing ourselves.

The trick is not to force it. To let nature take its own course. To recognize that the very first step to changing oneself is accepting oneself.

Previously? 'Tis the Season .

Life offers us different opportunities at different times.

I mean we have a series of opportunities that are in front of us everyday but, once in a while, something major comes up. An opportunity that someone else or some other situation made available for you. Something completely unexpected. Something that, if it worked for you, would make you leap and not just take another step towards your goal. Every now and then, such an opportunity emerges and if you don't take notice, it slips right by you.

And here's what I think: You should never let an opportunity like that slip by.

And I don't mean you should seize it either. Sometimes, even if the opportunity comes your way, it might not be the best thing for you. Let's say you're offered a trip to the destination of your dreams. Since this is my site, we'll say that place is Antarctica. Someone comes up to me tomorrow and tells me that I can go to Antarctica in January. All expenses paid, a month-long trip where I get to pet penguins. After jumping up and down for several hours, I think it would be a good idea for me to have a serious think about it.

Every opportunity comes at a cost. This Antarctica offer would mean that I need to quit my job or at least take an unpaid leave. It could mean I would have to leave Jake for a month. And there may be many other downsides to this otherwise amazing-seeming offer. So I'm not saying that jumping on it is the best move.

What I am saying is that it's crucial to consider it. A major opportunity like that doesn't come often and if you let one pass you by, there's no guarantee it will come your way again. At least not soon. So instead of saying how what a bummer it is that I got the chance to go to Antarctica but couldn't do it, if I sat down and had a serious think about it, I might not regret it.

If I considered all sides of the matter, then regardless of the decision I make, I know that I didn't let the opportunity go unnoticed. I know that no matter how the outcome turns out, at the time, I thought I was making the right decision. In the end, even if I made the wrong decision, I still think that's better than not making one.

I guess it's all about control. When you let things pass you by, you're giving up the chance to control your destiny.( isn't that an oxymoron, 'controlling your destiny.') It's true that if things don't work out, you can say "I didn't choose to do this, the decision was made for me." but is that how you want to live your life? Isn't there a point after which we need to get on the driver's seat and say "This is my life and it's short and I am here to make it the most it can be."

We all get one life to live, at least one that we remember at any point in time, and don't you want to be holding the reins to your life?

Previously? Tracking Happiness.

A friend of my mother's sent me a presentation on using one's time wisely. The presentation was okay and had some interesting points, and some obvious ones. About twenty slides into the show, a question caught my attention.

If you had two extra hours every day, what would you do with them?

My first instinct was, "I'd write my novel." I've been trying to write this novel for the last year and it's definitely not progressing as quickly as I would like it to. Having left the other one incomplete, I'm scared this book will face the same fate and I really don't want it to.

But then I realized that I put off writing my novel cause it's so hard. It requires a lot of my energy to get it all on paper and I tend to put it off until the last minute, so if I had an extra two hours everyday, I doubt I'd actually spend them on my novel.

My next answer was "I'd read." Another bottomless pit. No matter how much I read, there are always more books to read and I continuously wish for more time. I have a minimum of eight books checked out from the library at any one time and I simply cannot go through them fast enough. Reading was definitely a valid choice for me.

The more I thought about the question, the more I wondered the answers. I wondered what I did with the twenty-four hours I get each day. Don't get me wrong, I maximize my time a lot. In a week, I manage to volunteer in two places, work in an investment bank, take six classes, read two books, write my novel and at least another essay or short story, see a movie, watch twenty hours of TV, write my site at least five times, and sleep a minimum of eight hours. I am not worried that I'm not getting enough done, I'm just curious how many hours of my day each task takes. And if I had two more hours, what would be the best task for me to do?

Hang out with friends more, I think. Most of my friends are just as busy as I am and we rarely seem to see each other as often as we say we want to. If we all had two extra hours, maybe it'd be easier to find the time to meet.

I guess I'm better at making a list of things I wouldn't do with the extra hours. I wouldn't work or sleep. I wouldn't sit on the couch and watch TV. I wouldn't exercise.

The question of what I would do is hard to answer cause I like to do so many things and my list of to-dos never ends. Actually, it never even goes below fifteen items. So another two hours would maybe allow me to keep my list at thirteen items or eleven if I wanted to be optimistic. Which shows me that I am bad at this as I would not appreciate the two added hours as much as I should.

I wonder how many hours would have to be added before I just can't think of anything more to do. Since I adore reading, I venture to say that the answer would be infinite. There aren't enough hours you can add to my day.

I think that says a lot of not so great things about me or my lifestyle, but for now, I am choosing not to concentrate on that too much. Instead, I'm going to go and use the next three hours of my day on a dinner and a movie.

What would you do with an extra two hours each day?

Previously? Normal.

Is "healthy competition" an oxymoron?

A movie I watched today, made me wonder about the negative effects of competition. By definition, a competition has winners and losers. One winner and many losers. That means one person feels great and many people feel lousy.

So what's the point?

How come competition is so encouraged? How come we glorify winning? How come kids are singled out by the teachers and coaches as special? How is this constructive?

I imagine that people who approve of competition may say that the drive to win encourages you to improve yourself. While on the surface that may appear to be the case, the reality of the situation differs greatly. If Joe is a star football player and Moe is the second-best, Moe doesn't really care to be a better player, he just cares to outperform Joe so that he can be the star. It's no longer about the game, it's about Joe. About beating Joe. If Joe were to suddenly transfer to another school, Moe no longer cares to improve his game because he has no one to worry about. I agree that if Joe and Moe are in the same school, Moe might improve his game, but I think we undermine the importance of the underlying motive.

I truly believe in the saying "No man is an island." We don't live alone and the world is not a race. It's a society, a community and it needs harmony, not competition.

Imagine you're an amazing baseball player. One of a kind. In a team, you're most definitely the star. Now imagine, no team member will play with you. Maybe you're really cocky, or just an ass, or maybe you show off too much. Whatever the reason may be, others will not play with you. Suddenly, your talent is not so useful. Since baseball is a team game, and no one will play with you, you're unable to play. So obviously, the world is not your mountain.

Yet the schools encourage competition even at an early age. Spelling bees, assembly awards. So do sports. What's the purpose of competitive sports at a young age? At an age where the kids cannot understand the difference between "just getting the other guy out of the picture" and "being the best I can be." What's the value in making a seven year old feel like a loser? Singling a kid out. Causing the children to view their classmates as people they have to beat to get ahead.

Yet the world often operates because everyone plays his part. We learn to work with others to deliver big projects, ones we couldn't have completed on our own. We team up with other people who have similar interests or beliefs to start organizations. Almost every major change in the world is the result of a team, not one person.

So why not encourage teamwork instead?

Previously? Blank Slate.

I believe in making mistakes.

I know that in the overall scheme of life mistakes are meant to be bad. They lead us to failure and who wants to fail?

But that's not entirely true, similar to yesterday's point, the importance of learning firsthand also applies to making mistakes.

Let's say you didn't want to learn firsthand, how could you avoid making mistakes? Well, by listening to other people of course! With that approach, you're making two fundamental assumptions:

One. What they consider to be a mistake in their environment and circumstances is also going to be a mistake in yours.

Two. Repeating the actions that led them to their mistake will result in your facing the same mistake.

I believe that both of these have cases where they become incorrect assumptions.

Let's take the first case. Decisions and choices are extremely environment-based. Divorcing an abusive partner may be considered a huge mistake in some societies and the correct path in others. Same goes for abortion and many other controversial issues. Dropping out of school to help save your family's financial situation might seem shortsighted to some people but might lead you to go through doors that would not have been available to you in some societies because in yours family values are extremely highly regarded. What I consider to be a stupid move might be an act of genius for you.

On a related note, just because you do the same thing I did doesn't mean you will reach the same results I did. We could both cut school and go to the movies and while I get caught and end up getting detention, you might end up meeting someone who changes your life in that movie theater. (okay, it's not likely but it could happen) A lot of our life depends on people or events outside our control. The likeliness of a certain set of actions resulting in the same exact outcome is very low.

Even if we ignored the above points. I still think there's much to be said for making your own mistakes and learning from them. When you make a mistake, depending on the significance of that mistake, it stays in your mind for quite a long period of time. You don't need someone to explain to you why it's a bad idea, you lived through it and you learned. Even when the same actions result in a mistake, there might be different reasons why it was a mistake for you than why it was a mistake for the other person. And it's important to know the difference.

When we make mistakes, we learn about ourselves more than anything else. Yes, we learn about our environment, too, but we learn so much more about our logic. Our assumptions. Our ignorance. Our unrealistic expectations. Our naive outlook. We try to sit and pinpoint where exactly things went wrong. At what point did the great idea turn into a disaster?

That's not something any other human being can teach you.

Previously? Show Me.

Forever didn't use to be a scary thought to me.

I was the sort of person who made long-term decisions and stuck to them. I decided to come to the United States for college at the age of twelve. I chose computers as my main field at seven. Those goals never changed. I came here; I studied information systems. I got a programming job.

The same pattern applied to my relationships. I hung on regardless of how bad situations got. An abusive boyfriend. A cruel best friend. But I was in it for the long run, I knew how to stick around. I didn't do things on a whim.

I was Ms. Consistent.

Deep down, I always resented myself for not being daring or impromptu enough. I secretly wished to do something crazy, like get a tattoo or pierce my tongue. But I never had the courage.

Today, I was chatting with Daphna about how I don't like tattoo's anymore and it got me thinking. Why had I changed my mind?

And I realized that getting a tattoo wasn't necessarily an out-of-character thing for a person like me. Whether the receiver is aware of it at the time or not, a tattoo is a permanent commitment. It's quite difficult to remove and even then leaves a scar. It's not temporary.

It seems I've decided to put permanence on hold for a while.

Temporary sounds more attractive for now. Not temporary in the sense of "this week" but temporary in the sense of "it's okay if you change your mind ten years down the road." I want to try different things. Do something that I'm passionate about. Shake my beliefs up. Shake my life up. Not worry about doing something that wasn't 'part of the plan.'

I want to fall and get up. Just to see that I can. Just to see that there's nothing to be scared of. I want to conquer surviving within a world of unknown and handle situations as they come my way. I want to stop anticipating potential problems and worrying about them. I want to stop putting myself on a path. I want to climb trees instead and figure out what branch to jump to at the end of each one.

At least just for a little while.

So I don't secretly wish for a piercing anymore. Instead, I'll have temporary tattoos, henna, jewelry and beads.

But no tattoos.

Previously? Body Image.

I think there's a skewed opinion of body image in the world.

Well, at least in most of the cultures in which I've lived.

Many women try to change their body structure to fit the range of what's 'desirable to a man'. Most of the women I've talked to who are struggling with their weight or self image seem to link it to being wanted. If I'm pretty, men will get attracted to me more, and then I can find someone to like me. It might sound convoluted and desperate to some people, but I've heard this concern multiple times.

Putting the issue of whether you need someone else in your life to feel good about yourself aside, the notion of getting thin to please men doesn't really work, in my opinion.

From what I've experienced, the ones that judge women's bodies are other women. Most men I've met are not really affected by weight as much as women think they are. Some like thinner, some like fuller but none of them notice the extra five pounds you gained last week. At least not the men who are worth having.

Women, however, size you up and down and can tell if the skirt you wore yesterday is a tiny bit tight, if you're bloated from your period, if the shoes you're wearing are scuffed. Women scrutinize other women. It's as if they find you to be a constant threat and therefore need to find fault. Not only do they analyze you to bits, but then they call up your mutual friends and share.

Of course I'm generalizing. Of course it's not true for every woman. Some women are wonderful and kind and caring and don't spend any time feeling good about other women's weaknesses. But, in my experience, women notice other women's body structures and criticize them a lot more than men do.

Most of the women's magazines give tips on losing weight and looking thin. They promote thinness simply by plastering their magazines with thin people. They don't come out and tell you that it's bad to be above a size 4 but they imply, coax and leave subtle hints.

In my opinion, many of today's eating and self-image issues are caused by the women in our lives. The magazines, the movie stars, the family members, siblings, and many others.

So if we want to address these problems, I think we should really start looking within our gender.

Previously? Web People.

I've never been a competitive person.

A month after Jake and I started dating, we ended up taking a class together. Many people assumed that the class would put a strain on our relationship. That our differing grades might give birth to feelings of animosity between us.

But it didn't.

On the contrary, Jake and I chose to be in the same group and we encouraged each other and studied together. Even at that point, I cared enough about him that his getting a good grade made me happy and not jealous.

I tend not to define my life and successes by others.

I don't mean that to sound standoffish. It doesn't imply that I think I'm too good to compare myself to others. It just means that knowing that I'm more successful than so-and-so doesn't make me feel accomplished.

I don't want anyone else to be unsuccessful, unhappy or unaccomplished. There's enough room in the world for all of us to be happy and accomplished in our own ways.

I simply want to be the best that I can be.

This is where things get a bit sticky. It seems my personal requirements for becoming happy and successful are overwhelmingly high. Each time I reach one level of success, I set the next one without spending too much time doting on having accomplished the previous goal. I keep pressing and pushing, determined to see how far I can take it. How much before I break down.

Recently, Jake and I were talking about a success in his family. It was a situation that had done a 180 from the previous year. Last time, we'd wallowed on the sorrow and misfortune for quite some time and the spirits were very low. I was telling Jake that it's only fair that, this time "We should celebrate."

I said, "I think life should be all about under-emphasizing failures and over-celebrating successes."

After the words came out of my mouth, I was surprised at how rarely I listen to my own advice. It's crucial to learn from your mistakes but wallowing in them only makes you depressed. And it's important to celebrate the good moments in life. It's necessary to note having reached a goal. Otherwise, all the work I've done to get here doesn't seem so difficult. Yet it is. Each tiny step that gets one closer to happiness or self-satisfaction is a major accomplishment and requires due attention.

I've decided to take some of my own advice. I'll keep setting personal goals. I'll keep aiming higher and higher. But I'll also stop ignoring the importance of small successes. I'm moving from only jumping a series of hurdles to throwing many parties.

And you're invited.

Previously? Judging.

You are so judgmental.

If you mutter the words "Not me," you simply fall into the majority of people who don't admit to doing the very things of which they accuse others.

There are certain fundamental characteristics that are a part of every human being. While I don't believe we're necessarily born judgmental, we certainly develop this discriminatory outlook on life at one point or another.

The same way we discover lying.

I tend to be weary of anyone who claims to never lie. That's such an obvious lie that either the person is blatantly taking me to be a fool, or, worse, they are not willing to admit the truth to their own selves. We all lie. It's human nature. Some of us do it more compulsively. Some of us do it only under the pretense that they're sparing the other person's feelings. Some people have been doing it for so long that they don't even notice it anymore.

But everybody lies.

I have never met an adult who has never lied.

Neither have I met one who doesn't judge.

You think you are open-minded? Think back to the last time you saw someone with seven piercings on her face? How about the girl in pink tight leather pants with high heels and a low-cut blouse? The guy who wears big silver chains around his neck and no t-shirts? The fifty-year-old man who drives a Porsche convertible? The girl in a three-piece suit with a pearl necklace talking on her cell phone? Two men holding hands? A teenager kissing a seventy year old?

No matter how open minded you are, at least one of the above scenarios will make you jump to conclusions about a person. You make judgement calls on how much money she has or whether she works or not. You assume she must be after his money or that he must be not well educated. She must be a bitch and he must be fun to be around.

You might not hate any of the people. Judgmental doesn't necessarily mean that you're bigoted. It just means that you judge people on a certain set of criteria. We all have categories that we like to place people in and we use certain cues when we meet them to figure out in which category they best fit.

The most common cues are visual. If you want to test this out, give the same picture to a few friends and ask them to tell you about the person in the picture. How old is she? What does she to for a living? Would you like this person? Why?

I guarantee you that they will have answers. Most likely different ones (unless you have a really homogenous circle) but none of them will say that they cannot answer until they meet the person.

Our categories are defined by our surroundings. Possibly at the beginning by the values of our family, and then school, friends, work, etc. With each new environment and year, we might define the categories more specifically and we might realize that most people can't be classified easily.

But we do it anyway.

Previously? Fuck.

I didn't use to believe in randomness.

As a person who spends too much time on each of her moves, my decisions and choices are never haphazard. I have specific reasons for almost each step and can recite them to you if you so wished. I try to think before I speak and I search for meaning behind my actions. The idea that people do things without thinking never made sense to me.

I can agree that, often times, people aren't aware of their own motives. Many of us are affected by our subconscious and do things because they 'feel right' or 'come naturally'. To me, even forgetting was an active decision. The fact that you forgot to buy a dress of the occasion meant that you secretly didn't want to go at all. I guess I didn't like the idea of taking away credit. Since humans are amongst rare animals that have thought and decision-making capabilities, it didn't make sense that they wouldn't constantly take advantage of their unique capability.

Accepting randomness sounded like a copout to me. Instead of taking responsibility, people got to say "oh, I forgot" or "it didn't mean anything". Everything means something. Things happen for a reason. If you forgot, it most likely wasn't all that important to you in the first place. Instead of hiding behind excuses, I wished people would be bold enough to tell the truth.

"Actually, I don't enjoy going out on Friday nights."

"I'm afraid I didn't like that movie at all."

"I just feel like you always bring me down."

There are better ways to phrase honest sentiments and it's important to do that, but so is not being fake. And I just figured why lie forever when you can tell the truth once and be done with it?

Everything means something.

I'm not sure if I believe that anymore. The above sentence makes it really hard to deal with major calamities beyond your control like murder, rape or losing a baby. I'm adjusting my mind to the fact that sometimes things happen for no reason at all. At least no discernable reason. And it's okay not to know the 'why's.

Sometimes it's best to just move on. To know that something will only affect you if you let it and that you won't.

Maybe entropy is more likely to be the world's model than order, but it still doesn't excuse your not thinking about your actions and words. Next time you run across a situation where you seem to have done something inadvertently, pay attention to your feelings and thoughts.

Maybe you'll discover that the act wasn't so random after all.

Previously? Seed.

I've always been fascinated by people who claim to be the firs