Thoughts
The weird thing about being sick is that I can never seem to remember the time when I wasn't. As soon as I get sick, it feels like I will always be sick. I feel hopeless and miserable and each time I try to recall how I felt without the sickness, I can't seem to. Maybe it's just me, but it happens to me every time. It's one of the major reasons I hate getting sick. The sore throat, chess pain, incessant sneezing, fever and nausea are some others.

Happy Halloween! This is the first time in my life that I'm giving out candy. Last year, I was at my friend Laura's house for Halloween and it was the first time I carved pumpkins. Since I never gave candy out before I wanted to go all out. I bought full-size bars and lots of them and then I got worried and bought some snack sized ones as well, just in case too many kids showed up. I just hope the kids come to get it or my diet will become toast!

I was trying to link a picture of my plate of candies but I can't get the image to be small enough, so it'll have to wait.

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By the way, the woman I mentioned last week, the non self-conscious one, is a nudist. And she's a therapist. I thought that might add a bit more color to her description.

As I sat in class, looking at the modern paintings, I kept thinking about how unappealing they were to me. I've always been a fan of Renaissance paintings. I love studying them and finding out about the history and the time period and why the painter thought to put that specific image. The paintings of that period are all about symbolism and if you have studied some art history, you can know the story behind each symbol. To me, that's like sharing a secret between the painter and you. Even though, I know that everyone of that period knew the specific symbols, people who don't study art history don't know them and can't look for the specific clues, like the image of Michelangelo's face on the dead skin in The Last Judgement. To me, that’s like having a sneak peak into the painter’s mind. When I look at the modern paintings, I just don’t see that. I’m not saying that one has to, I’m just saying that I like to.

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I spent all of last week bummed that I was leaving town cause I had so much to do. Yesterday, we drove back to New Haven after working out in the cold an entire day. We took the 11:15 train from New Haven, getting home around 2am. All of this, so I could wake up in my own house and finish the list of things I had planned for this weekend. Do you want to know what I did all day? You guessed it: nothing! I woke up all congested and dizzy. I walked from the bed to the couch and planted myself in front of the TV, actually, the TiVo. I spent the entire day watching one program after another. I did write the scene for my novel that was due tomorrow, but that's it. Nothing more. I am such a loser! Argh! I do the same thing every week. You'd think I would have learned by now.

Thanks to my portable Panasonic player, I watched High Fidelity on the train home yesterday. I'd read the book a while ago and loved it. The movie, as usual, wasn't as good. Even though Cusak tried hard, Hornby's cynicism just can't come across on the movie screen as it did on the pages.

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Anyhow, we drove from New York to Boston for the annual Serve-A-Thon. Since Jake was a City Year Corps member in 1992, he and his family do the Serve-A-Thon every year. If you're from New York, it's similar to the New York Cares Day. I really enjoy the day-long community service sessions cause everyone is so hyped up and you meet all sorts of interesting people. The best news I heard today as that City Year is planning to come to New York. I've been wanting to volunteer for them for a long time and now it looks like I might get the opportunity. Yeaay!

After cleaning the park and raking leaves all day, we drove to New Haven where Jake's brother goes to college. His roommates and he are throwing a Halloween party. I didn't even go to parties much when I was in college so it's funny that I should choose to attend one four years after I graduated. We'll see how this turns out.

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Well said, and how true. If only I knew of a way to make my mind and heart listen.

Sorry about the lack of long posts and passages, they will be back real soon, I promise.

Well, this friend, whom I almost met, lived a tragedy today. His life changed in an irreversible way. Even though he was expecting it for some time, I can't imagine one can ever really expect a death. I'm sitting here and wishing I had the right words to make him feel better and crying for him. Good people deserve good lives. Everyone deserves a good life. But when you feel that someone is so nice and seems to take the effort to be kind to everyone, you feel extra sorry when bad things happen to this person. At least, I do. I'm sitting here, alone, and crying cause there is nothing I can do. Cause somehow I can feel pain from someone's words. Even if I've never ever met him.

For the second time this month, this is happening to me. I don't ever want to hear people tell me that the people I meet online aren't real friends, again. If they aren't why am I shedding my tears?

Today's word is obsession. Good word in my household. Both of us get totally obsessed about things. The funny thing is that the subject matter isn't all that relevant. Only the strong obsession with which I throw myself at it. When I started writing a book, I obsessed about learning all the details of grammar (not that you can tell from my log). For some Godforsaken reason I decided to keep a blog and got totally obsessed with all the other ones. I spent hours of my day reading everyone's words. I even wrote emails to some of these people. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that, for a while, it consumed me. I kept trying to think of ways to change my blog so I'd have more visitors. I checked my referrer logs every second. I'm trying to get across the difference between liking something and totally obsessing about it.

For better or worse, I seem to be over that one. I now read a few logs whenever I feel like it and if people don't want to visit my page. So be it. I can't force them. However, if you have been reading my page and do like it, it might be nice of you to make contact. Make me feel like less of a loser and all. Heh Heh.

There are good obsessions, too. For example, my two good obsessions are reading and learning. I can never have enough of either. But I guess the word obsession has bad connotations doesn't it?

When I tell people of the obsessions I have, and in most cases the sorrow they cause me, (like how I am not worthy) they tell me to stop thinking that way and to appreciate all the great things in my life. The thing is, if I could do that I wouldn't be obsessing!

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First, self-consciousness. There is a lady in my art class who doesn't seem to have any of it. She speaks her mind loudly and most opinionatedly all the time. When a slide is shown, she'll say 'it sucks' even if the work is displayed in one of the local museums. It's not that she's standing up for herself, she's actually being obnoxious and calling other people's opinions wrong, etc. But the interesting thing is that the entire class is aware of this. We all look at each other each time she speaks in such a manner. It's so obvious to everyone that she's being rude that I always wonder why it isn't to her. Can she really not tell? Is it that she doesn't care? Or that she's totally unaware? As I live my life on this side of dangerously aware, I often find myself wondering about people who have overcome the trap of self-consciousness.

Now onto the second word. Self-confidence. As someone who seems to have a collection of achievements and a total lack of self-confidence, I am interested in what makes people so self-secure. I certainly didn't lack any love, on the contrary, my family made me feel appreciated and loved at all times. They've told me repeatedly how proud of me they feel. Same for friends. I have a loving boyfriend with whom I've spent the last six years of my life and real dependable friends. What is the answer? What is it that I seem to be missing? The one thing that will make everything click and have me feel better about myself. How do some people turn out confident while others, like me, worry about every little thing? Is everyone secretly self-conscious?

Sorry about all this self-pity. I guess thinking about my novel makes me ponder a lot about humankind and what makes it tick.

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I'm still somewhat jetlagged and it's been a week since I came back. I spent most of today thinking about my new novel. The characters seem to have invaded my mind and will not leave me alone. I haven't written more than 3000 words on this novel and I haven't even plotted it yet, but the characters are set. At least the main two are. I'm hoping they will tell me the plot soon. Or I'm screwed.

My Christmas wish is a dog. A puppy. A Dalmatian. I know it means a lot of responsibility and giving up most of my freedom, but I want it. I think we'd love each other tremendously and it might help the maternal instincts I seem to be overflowing with lately.

Watching the world series? I have to since I am a New Yorker. I want the Mets to win. Mostly cause the Yankees have already won so many lately and cause the Yankees have so many fans already. We watched the game for so many hours last night and the Mets were winning when we turned out the lights. This morning, I was really sad to find out the Yankees won game one. Here's to wishing better for tonight's game. The thing about baseball is that it can go on forever. Literally. Last night's game was five hours. Ugh.

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I also spent some of today scanning pictures of my awesome nephews. Are these not the cutest kids you've ever seen? Well, I might be partial but they make my heart do cartwheels.

Lately, I've been pondering how different my life might have been had I been born in the United States. Besides the small differences, I wonder if the major parts of my life would have been the same. Since no one in my family or surroundings was an avid reader, would I have been a book lover even if I were American? Would I still have learned as many languages? Would I have still chosen to major in computers? Or would I have wanted to be an artist or a writer? Being a writer was not a realistic possibility for me in Turkey. It's not that we don't have writers, it's just that, in my limited surroundings, that would not have been an option. I have a feeling I would have been much more involved in environmental causes and community service. I might have been a vegetarian. It comes down to how much your genes affect you versus your environment. I wonder what about me would have been exactly the same (besides the physical appearance, of course). I will never have the answers but I still can't help wondering.

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The premise of the movie is so pure and well intentioned that you can't help but feel as you watch it. And it comes back to the good old question of Can You Save The World? The very idea of the answer being no makes me terribly unhappy. You can't give up. You really can't. If everyone stopped trying how would the world ever improve? Sorry to preach and meddle. Who am I to tell you what to do? But the thought of people not caring makes me so very miserable that I cannot not say a thing. Please try to think back to the thing that made you jaded and get rid of it. You really can make a difference. On so many levels. If we lose hope, what do we have left?

Sorry, a little too carried away by the movie and the realm of possibilities. I think I'd better go to sleep.

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I'm reading a book in Turkish on improper uses of the language and something the writer said made me ponder. I translate, "If you think that someone who doesn't use language correctly thinks properly, logically, conceptually, immediately give up that belief. A human is as much as he talks, as much as he writes, how he explains, nothing more. Language is what forms thoughts. No one can think without language." Do you agree? I've had several friends tell me how they cannot put their thoughts properly into any language. According to my author, that would not be possible. Since I started writing, mastering English has been crucial to me. Reading this book makes me feel the same way about Turkish. It takes very little effort to speak your own mother tongue properly and, if you ask me, it's really worth it.

Diane Ackerman, in her book, talks about how a smell can transport you to a specific place and time and bring back an entire memory. For me, music does that. Each time I hear songs from Roxanne's Joyride, I get transported to the boat taking me from Burgaz to Istanbul and images of the comic book I used to read back then dance before my eyes. I cannot imagine my life without music.

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I don't really hang out with Turkish people in the States. I have a few friends from home who live in New York but we see each other once every few months. My boyfriend is American and so are most of my close friends. Or they are Russian, Irish, Brazilian... anything but Turkish. This is not on purpose, but it is a fact. I also read almost exclusively in English. In the last ten years, I've read one Turkish book. The funny thing is right after I come back from a visit home, I'm totally immersed into Turkish culture. I'm reading a Turkish book and have been constantly listening to an amazing song by Teoman called Paramparca which translates to 'in pieces'. Here's the mp3 if you wanna listen. Even my mother adores this song.

Yesterday I happened to watch CBS's early show and they had the author of My War : A Love Story in Letters and Drawings from World War II. Mr. Sugarman had just gotten married when he was drafted and his wife gave him a set of watercolors and told him to paint for her. This book is a collection of those paintings and the love letters he wrote to her. I saw some of the pictures and heard an excerpt from the letters and they sound amazing. Even though I'm not usually a fan of war books, I am definitely getting this one.

The same show had a segment on bullying which is a real problem that doesn't get enough attention. The show talked about a new hotline for the issue. I'm glad someone's doing something about it.

I feel grateful that I'm not in the selling business. Either a product or a service. I believe selling well requires two strengths that I don't possess. One, self-confidence and two, ability to suck up well. I'm more on the paranoid side and tend to not think so highly of myself and I can't suck up to save my life. I would be a surefire failure in the selling business.

October is breast cancer awareness month. Be aware and make others aware.

It's really amazing how worked up I can get about the debates especially considering that I am not American and I cannot vote. I'm really enraged by some people's lack of attention and their apathy. You need to care. If you lose hope, what do you have left? Also, I really can't understand how people can vote for someone who is so obviously a total moron, but we won't get into that.

Told you I had a lot to say today...

Oh and I must mention the subway series. I hope the Mets win only cause the Yankees already have won so many in a row. It'd be neat to see the Mets in the spotlight for a change.

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I spent several hours reading the Economist's election edition. They had information on the different platforms of the two candidates. I think it's very important that people realize that there are very specific differences in the platforms of the two candidates. Cause both of them are trying so hard not to fuck up so close to the election, it seems that they are agreeing on everything, but trust me, they are not. I think this is a really important election, especially since they are so neck and neck. Each vote will count in this election. Well, unless you live in New York. Or in any of the other, 'decided', states.

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1. dial 1-800-888-3999 (it's free)
2. listen to the options
3. when you hear number 7 press number 7

This so made my day!!! Thanks go to Jessica!

Thoughts
My first day back home and it's pouring. What a bummer.

I watch a lot of TV and I mean a lot. For me to get my work done, the television set has to be on or I can't function. I generally watch what most people call crappy shows since I multitask while the set is on. Last week I've started watching Gilmore Girls and I must say it's awesome. The dialogue is great, the characters act well and it doesn't hurt that they are gorgeous. It's funny. It's witty. Watch it. You know you want to.

I woke up at 7am today, which isn't so bad for jetlag. Hopefully, this means I can stay up past 7pm tonight. I managed to write my scene for the novel writing class and get my shit together in enough time. It's amazing how I get all the necessary stuff done when I have a minimum amount of time left to do them. On the other hand, when I have a week to do something, I never get it done.

Last week, when we had the terrible bombings and killings in the Middle East, the thing that terrified me most was that CNN had a logo for the whole thing within seconds. I find that offensive.

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Just a week ago I was all excited to go back to Turkey and today I couldn't wait to get back to New York. I met three jazz musicians on the plane who play locally, so now I'll get to see them perform. One of the advantages of living in New York. I always thought New York would be a bad place to raise children. I planned to move to Boston whenever it was time to start a family, but these kids on the plane seemed to hate Boston so much that they made me reconsider. I don't want my kids raised anywhere with close minded people, which seems to leave only New York or San Francisco as possible alternatives. I just always thought it would be cruel to bring up a kid in an apartment building when I could offer him or her grass to run on. I guess we all wants things for our children that we couldn't have ourselves. But maybe that's not the answer.

Very very jetlagged. Going to sleep. Hopefully I'll be coherent soon.

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Today I called a friend I hadn't talked to in over ten years. He's several years younger than I and we had been quite good friends but lost touch over the years, especially after I left for the States. I was sure he'd forgotten all about me. When another friend mentioned his name and that he's going to the army (which is required for all men in Turkey) and he said to say hi to me, I decided to track him down. I found his cell phone and called him tonight. I said "You probably don't remember me but I wanted to call you." He said, "Of course I remember you, we were the greatest friends. We talked on the phone for so many hours that I fell asleep on the phone, you will always be my friend." It made my day. It's amazing how some friends will forever be friends no matter how long has passed since the last time you saw them.

Tomorrow's post will be late night since I will spend most of the day on the plane. Just a week ago I was all excited about coming home and now I am all excited to be going back home. So many homes.

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On more weird things about Turkey, on October 22nd they are trying to count the population so they can know how many people live in Istanbul. To do this, the government made it illegal to go out. On that day everyone is required to sit at home so people can come around and count the number of people in your household. Nice eh?

I've been thinking about my ex boyfriends lately. Of my three, I am only conversant with one. Personally, I'd talk with all three but the other two won't talk to me. I used to always believe that if you were ever truly in love with someone you could never get over it enough. Not enough to feel comfortable when you see that person with a new lover. Now that I think about it again, I am not sure I still feel that way. My second boyfriend and I dated ten years ago. I loved him very much and we broke up because I left to come to the United States. It's been ten years or so and he still won't talk to me. I am confidant that if he were dating someone he was madly in love with it would not bother me one bit. Since I am so happy with my current boyfriend and have found happiness, I wish the same for him. And I wish that someone with whom I'd shared so many great memories would still be in my life enough that I could wish him a happy birthday or a merry christmas. Oh well. I spose one can't have it all. Or can she? Is it really the case that exes cannot ever stay friends?

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Yesterday I went to the Bosphorus with my best friend who is an ex-boyfriend. He and I ate ice cream and took a leisurely walk down the seaside. As the sun set and a full moon rose. It was magnificent. As much as I can't imagine living in Turkey, I love visiting here. The people are amazingly kind, good hearted and welcoming. The sights are breathtakingly beautiful and the food is delicious. It's a great place to vacation. Especially Burgaz, which is a small island we live on during the summer. It's so small that there are no cars allowed on the island. Only horse carriages. A real tiny island. Some of my favorite childhood memories are from my days there.

Gotta go now. Rest my eyes. Apologies for any typos but I am trying not to use the machine much, as ordered by the surgeon.

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Anyhow gotta go now since I'm not even supposed to use the computer much. More short pdates this week and longer ones later.

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The fast is over. Another year has passed.

My mom and I watched a wonderful movie today called Hasards ou coïncidences by the famous Claude Lelouch. I had seen Les Uns et Les Autres by him many years ago and loved it. That movie is responsible for making me a huge fan of Ravel’s Bolero. It’s been a really long time since I watched an entire movie in French with no subtitles. I must say I suffered quite a bit but I did understand enough to make it all the way to the end. Gotta brush up on my French more. That’s another advantage to being home. I get to hear tons of it.

If you do speak or understand French, I highly recommend the above two movies. Or many others by the same director.

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Thoughts
After a fourteen-hour sleep, I feel much better. The most interesting part about visiting a country like Turkey is that it looks totally different each time you come. Even for me, especially for me. The perpetual construction causes the skyline to change dramatically and constantly. People adhere to the strict rules of fashion. A new American-sounding restaurant or cafe opens weekly. When I grew up, we never had most foreign foods. No such thing as cereal or bagels or M&Ms. Now, everything is here. When I first moved to the United States, eight years ago, one dollar was six thousand Turkish Lira and now it's over six hundred thousand Lira. These are just a few of the changes. For me it's fascinating each time. It's also sort of sad cause some of my favorite childhood places have disappeared.

My sister and her husband just bought a house. Besides the fact that there is no such thing as a mortgage here, it's also weird that they bought the house while it's being constructed. I mean so much so that it doesn't even have the toilets installed yet. It leaves most of the work to imagination.

It's wonderful to be near family. Even though I miss Jake a lot, I love getting to see my parents and my sister and the smiles on the tiny, sweet faces of my nephews. Kids are truly amazing. They are the definition of the word 'joy'.

Happy Yom Kippur to you. My fast has officially started. May it end quickly and well. Lots of sleeping, reading, and movie watching to do tomorrow.

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Other than being quite seriously jetlagged, and being thoroughly thrilled that I got to see my twin nephews, I can't think of anything to say. I promise to make pithy comments tomorrow.

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I also can’t wait to settle in the plane and have several hours to catch up on my reading and my homework and think about my novel. I hope they show decent movies. As much as I hate being cramped up in that small seat for so long, I love the sensation of being in the air. One of my dreams is to get to fly a plane. One day.

I thought last night’s debate was a lot more civil and mature and I’m amazed that the candidates even answered most of the questions. I’m not sure why I got so involved at this year’s elections since I can’t vote and I used to hate politics. I still hate it, I think, but I find it fascinating lately. Especially with how close this year’s race will end up.

The fall season is about to start and I still haven’t received my TiVo. As someone who can’t function without the TV set on, I am hoping and praying that it will arrive soon.

Well, my next post will be from Istanbul, hopefully. I will try to update daily there, too.

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Tonight's the vice-presidential debate. No matter what the outcome, I'm sure this one's bound to be more interesting. Make sure to watch it.

Just finished seeing Me Myself I, a British independent movie. I think. The movie is about a woman who gets to find out how her life would have turned out if she had accepted the marriage proposal of her ex-boyfriend. It's neat little movie and it has a feel-good ending. What I got out of it was that things end up just fine regardless of which road you pick. Life is what you make it. If you decide to be happy, you will be. It's all about the attitude, baby! Make your life what you've always wanted it to be.

We just got phone spam. I've had many hangups and telemarketer calls before but I've never ever had anyone call me about a web site. Today's message told us to hurry up and grab names in the ".ws" domain before they're all gone. Weirdos.

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Thoughts
Only ONE day before I fly home; two till I get there. It's so weird. I only start missing home when I know I'm about to go there. I mean, I miss my family and my friends all the time, but right before I am about to fly home, everything increases by several orders of magnitude. Suddenly, I can't get home soon enough. I want to be there now. I start calling my friends and telling them that I'm coming and the excitement in their voices makes me ache to be there immediately. Since my sister had her amazing twins, I have started going home about ever four months and it's never enough. I can and do spend every waking moment of my vacation with them. Oh, I'm homesick all over again. Only 48 hours to my plane.

I read this article in Real Simple magazine about a couple who moved from Los Angeles to a farm in Oregon where they grow lavender. He's an actor and she's a documentary writer and they talk about how much their life has changed for the better since the move. They talk about the hikes, walks, and rafting. They talk about how they made friends immediately. I often tell myself that I want to leave New York and my friends make fun of me. Someone who can never do fewer than six things at a time could never live anywhere else probably. Still, the idea of living in between lavender or walking by a lake with my dog by my side spawns dreamy images. I hope I can muster the courage to try such a drastic life change. Maybe we can have a trial run in Martha's Vineyard. Then again, I hear it gets freezing there over the winter...Sigh!

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Last night, I stayed up late and finished Pay it Forward. I started it at 2pm yesterday and was done the same day, which must mean some positive things about the book. The interesting thing is that I didn't really enjoy the way the book was written and organized. I didn't like the jumping of viewpoints amongst several characters and I didn't like that she switched from 1st Person to 3rd and back. But the story was engrossing, at least for me. The idea that you can change the world is always a good topic of discussion for me.

I love the rush of reading a book all day long cause I can't possibly put it down. Especially when it's not pure trash. .

3 days till I go home! Yeeeaaaaay!

In the morning class, two interesting things came up. One was the use of the word "primitive." Whatever the initial intentions, the word has evolved to have pejorative meanings. And, in this side of the world, is often used in conjunction with African Art and the likes of such. We were discussing how that's really a matter of judging and bias and prejudice and a student mentioned that it could also just be a means to categorize and asked what a more appropriate word would be. The teacher suggested primary as an alternative. It's interesting, to me, how we can easily refer to other culture's traditions, artwork, products as primitive without noticing that we're judging them with our word choices.

The other topic of discussion that I noted to mention was about walking through a museum. A student asked the teacher if he knew any tricks about how to view an exhibition. The teacher said that in the cases of a special exhibition (which draws a larger crowd since those are only around for a limited time) it's a good idea to start from the end. This way you get to avoid the crowds and to look at things in a different perspective. He also advised looking at pieces which weren't surrounded by crowds. Paying attention to what others avoided. We also talked about whether people like or dislike listening to the audio information (which is available at some museums and it gives you detailed information about the piece, mentioning it's period and other historical facts). How do you like to visit a museum? Do you like people to tell you what the pieces mean or do you like to not know anything and just feel them?

During my novel writing class, an interesting discussion surrounded the topic of dislikable characters. Would you read a book that had a protagonist you really hated? One that was truly evil? One that was immature? Why? What makes you come back and look for more? Are you only interested in characters you can relate to? All interesting questions for an author.

I also noticed how I think about my novel all the time, unconsciously. As I was explaining my plotline and setting to another student in the class, I noticed that I was saying things that were new to me. It was as if I had figured out the purpose and the tone of the novel without realizing it. It seems I think about it even when I don't realize it. Why else would all these ideas roll of my tongue on the spur of the moment?

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This glassdog banner is, by far, one of the greatest personal banners I've ever seen. It's the small white one at the bottom of the page. It's really funnie.

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Last March, on a trip from New York to Japan, my ears suddenly started making clicking sounds when I swallowed. After several Japanese and American doctors and six months, we still don't know the actual cause of the sounds. The big theory is TMJ since I actively grind my teeth in my sleep. Then again, I've been grinding since I was 3 so I'm not sure why the injury would pop up after so many years. All I know is that it's painful and really, really annoying.

If you ever took the SATs and scored low you should read this week's Slate diary. Brendan Mernin, a tutor with the Princeton Review for the last 11 years, talks about his adventures in tutoring. The fact that the SATs don't really prove any level of intelligence is no revelation to anyone who has even glimpsed at an exam, but Brendan's tales are really neat to read. My favorite part is the very end and I quote:

"The story students tell more than any other is the one about the friend who scored a perfect 1600, even though he got drunk the night before. I'm sure you know him. So many people do. Who is he? (It's always a he.) He's a genius, they say. I haven't yet met him, but I can say this: Whoever he is, he's not necessarily who you want to be."