Okay, just so you can see the manic depressiveness of my job, I had a great day today. Not with the class mind you, but with one of my students after school. It's a long story and it's already midnight so I am going to go to bed but the choice to quit, for me, is nor here yet. It comes and goes. One moment, I am completely prepared to quit and the next I want to be there for the kids. I love the kids. More coming really soon, I promise.

To those of you who've been commenting, I just want you to know that I am reading them and they mean the world to me and they are affecting my day to day life and my moment to moment thoughts. I will respond to the comments and I am so glad you are taking the time to give me your thoughts, opinions, and empathy. Thank you. :)

I must admit I am the type of person who thinks a million times before she makes a decision. I'll go to a store, try the clothing on literally four times and then walk out. Think about it for a week, go back and try it on and then think about it for another week and then I won't buy it. There are lots of reasons for that nonsense but one of them is that I like to be sure. Whatever that means.

That is not to say I haven't made any instant decisions in my life. Actually most of the really big ones seem to have been made in a moment. But I tend to chew on it for way too long before I let it go.

I could look at that as insane and insecure or I could look at it as persistent and analytical and committed. Cause when it comes to this job, the only reason I haven't walked away is because I am committed. So the not-making-decisions-lightly can also mean I don't walk away.

What is comes down to, however, is that I've been eating my brain out for over a month now trying to find out what the right thing to do is. Obviosuly, there is no right thing. But there's something that I can live with. And it's not this. This state of being is a nightmare. It's driving me insane and I need it to go away.

I guess the key is figuring out how.

Wow, talk about a bad day! I am amazed at the optimism that seems to surround me all weekend when I plan my lessons and just assume they will work. And then I get up and go to school and the kids show up and then reality hits me. I am amazed at the kindness I want to give my students but yet the meanness I spew out in the middle of frustration and resentment. I am mostly amazed at how much I really suck at this. Just didn't think it was possible to be this bad.

And then there's this CNN article which I could say so much about but I won't because my bed time has come and gone.

My friend, Ed, sent me this link about someone else's teaching experience and I must tell you that while my situation is quite a bit better and I have what I consider to be a much more supportive principal and other really helpful people in my school, I have had days where my students were really acting up in ways I never thought possible. And, man, am I in over my head!

It's been a long time. When I decided to do this job, I knew that I would no longer realistically be able to write this site every single day like I used to be able to. While I had absolutely no idea of the insanity that my life would become, I did know that time would become a more precious commodity than it had been in the last two years when I was working part time.

The sad thing is, now I need to journal more than ever. This site used to be a way I could think about my thoughts. It was a way I got to reflect regularly. I kept diaries for over ten years as a child but for some reason, I haven't been able to get into it the way I really want to. If there's one thing I know about this teaching experience, it's that I'm going to want to remember my thoughts and feelings as I experience this. While I am confident that some things are best forgotten, I don't want to rely on my shaken memory of these two years. I'm not going to want to forget this.

On a more practical note, I find that reflecting gives me a way to improve and perfect my thoughts on a subject. While it might lead me down the path of wallowing on what I could have done and what I should have done, that's something I'm simply going to learn to get over because without quality reflection time, my life just becomes about making through each day, which is not an efficient way to make an impact.

So I am not really sure how to make this work. As of next week, I have class on Wednesdays, Thursdays until after 9:30pm. I also will most likely be teaching after school on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays and Saturdays. All this tightens my already crammed schedule. However, I need to make time for this. So any ideas on how I can make that happen?

The good news is that I've found a way to make peace with doing this job and not hating my life and myself. The bad news is that I don't feel like I'm necessarily a better teacher. I just show up to work everyday and don't want to kill myself at the end of the day. (Though, one of my students wrote the nicest thing on his math journal today, "Dear Ms.--- When I was in 4th grade and down. Math was really boring. Now you make it fun to learn." Isn't that nice?)

Most importantly, I still need to find a way to get them to shut the fuck up. Any advice? :)