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BITS OF UPDATES  David's still not sleeping. His dad is being extremely gracious and helping me out incredibly by holding and consoling him throughout the night except the two times he eats which is when I get up. Since I haven't slept in so long, my sleeping patterns are all messed up and between that and my aching boobs, I still don't get too much sleep but it's considerably better since my amazing husband has stepped in to help. As for David we're still hoping he'll "grow out of it." especially since there appears to be nothing wrong with him physically and he's the happiest baby ever. Laughing and smiling like a crazy person. If you don't believe me, you can watch this video of us playing. Then you'll know how awesome he is. The reading craze is still continuing. I am now reading Specimen Days from the author of The Hours. This book is not nearly as good as the Hours, especially since it's a bit like horror and that's definitely not my genre. But Cunnigham's writing still quite beautiful. Next in line are Hornby and Melissa Bank. I am so excited to be reading again. David and I have started a routine of walking to the mall for lunch so he gets his afternoon nap while mom eats her lunch and reads. It's the most serene hour of my day.  My little boy must be teething because he's drooling like a faucet and has this unquenchable need to suck and bite stuff. The other night he sucked on my chin so hard that he gave me my very first hickey. We had a breakfast date with a friend of Jake's the next morning and I was very embarrased to wake up to a big black and blue bruise. I wasn't sure how to explain it. Who knew I'd get my first hickey from my son?
As I mentioned months ago, I am making a scrapbook for David's first year. It has one page for each week. He just finished week twenty, and I just finished week 17 so I am not that behind. When I am not with him, sleeping, eating, working or reading, I am putting the book together. I want to have a great record of his first year. If anyone out there is a big scrapbook person and has some good ideas, feel free to send them my way. If you want to see my layouts so far, shoot me an email. I will eventually put them all up but I haven't gotten all that organized just yet. Other than the lack of sleep, life's quite wonderful here in Karenika-land. I wish I had a bit more time to read/write and work on the scrapbook. But life is always too short when you're having fun, isn't it?  SOOO TIRED  On the good side, he's healthy and happy as a clam. He smiles these wide, beautiful smiles that engulf you. When he's facing my cheek, he opens his mouth wide and gives me a bite/kiss. His lips are so soft. His tiny hands rest on my chest while he eats and he holds on so tight when I'm carrying him around. He's actually laughing at me several times a day now. My friend Roni asked me how my life changed since I had David the other day. (I think that's what you asked, right Roni?) Just as I was trying to figure out what to say, David decided he was hungry and I attempted to nurse him in public and when that was a disaster, I had to go home so I never answered her question. I was telling a friend that it's impossible to prepare for a baby. You think that nine months would be enough to expect the changes a baby will bring to your life, but it's nothing. And I mean NOTHING compared to how much your life really changes once the baby comes. There's no preparation. One day you're two adults who love each other and like to spend time together, the next day you're a family. A little baby that is constantly there, a baby not capable of eating, sleeping or changing himself. A wonderful and scary thing that will NEVER leave. Well, he will, assuming he goes to college. But it will be a long time before he does. And until then he is my responsiblity. And it's scary. It's hard. It's challenging. It's tiring. I look at him and I wonder when I grew up to be old enough to have a baby. When did I become an adult? Am I screwing this boy up? What if I do? This little, beautiful boy who wouldn't be here if it weren't for me. I owe it to him to make sure his life is full of wonderful moments. Full of joy. Full of love. Compassion and kindness. Curiosity. Hugs. Love. There can never be enough love. All the parents in my group ask where I get the energy to get through the days since I am not getting any sleep and haven't had a full night of sleep for thirteen months. Fact is, I wake up and I see David each time. I created this little man, and if he takes years to sleep through the night, then I will wake up for years. It's only the beginning of the things I can give him. Hugs in the middle of the night. After all, it won't be long before he won't let me hug him and I cherish these moments. So having a baby has changed my life indescribably. It's changed it permanently. And I am thankful for it each and every day! THIRTEEN YEARS  My senior year, I turned down offers from companies that wouldn't guarantee a green card application, namely JP Morgan and went with one that promised to apply exactly one year after my start date, namely Goldman Sachs. Exactly one year after my beginning date, I made a phone call from London where I was for a project and asked them to start the proceedings. Thanks to a great law firm, I got my green card relatively quickly, in two years, with the Extraordinary Ability clause. Exactly three months short of five years later, I applied for my citizenship. That was December of 2004. Today, I took my oath and walked away with my naturalization papers. I am officially a citizen of the United States of America. There were over 1,000 others swearing in with me today. We were told to arrive at 8:30 but the ceremony didn't begin until 10. It commenced with a group of local junior high school students performing a medley of Footloose songs. The relevance still baffles me. We then waited while they gave some awards to some officials and sang the Star Spangled Banner. Someone made the motion for all of us to become citizens and a judge accepted it after we took the oath of allegience. The judge's parents were naturalized citizens themselves so he was very moved to be there and cried a bit as he talked about how great America is and what a special day it was for us and how honored he felt to be there. There was another moving speech and then the judge read the names of all 94 countries that had citizens being naturalized today and asked us to get up as our country's name was called. Being in San Diego, he left out Mexico and at the end the crowd yelled, so he said, "What there are people from Mexico here?" and half the room got up and cheered. It was quite funny and specific to our location, I imagine. If I weren't so worried about David going without food for so long, I might have enjoyed the proceedings more. As it were, I wanted to get my certificate and be done with this long ordeal. I know there are many cynical and bitter people out there and not everyone agrees with me. But, to me, becoming American was a lifelong goal and one I am incredibly proud to have accomplished. This country has given me everything I've ever wanted. It allowed be to find myself and gave me the space to grow into what I wanted to be. If I hadn't come here, I am not sure I would have done half the things I've done in my life and I am so glad to live here every single day. I am proud to be a citizen. I am delighted that I will get to vote. Not to mention how much easier it will be to travel now! It only took thirteen years. MONTH FOUR  The changes from month three to month four have been exponential. In the last month, David's found his hand, his feet, and his voice. He now drools like nobody's business and he sticks everything in his mouth, including his toes. He has found a way to make a ton of different, funny sounds, some sharp and high-pitched and others gutteral and trembling. He can go between laughing and crying in less than thirty seconds. Sometimes he jumps back and forth between the two so much that you can't tell if he's mad, sad, or just playing. His smiles have gotten wider and he can definitely recognize mom and dad now. His face lights up when we look at him, regardless of upset he might have been. He gives us kisses (or tries to bite our cheeks depending on your perspective) and his little hands are soft like cotton. He has learned to grab things and hold on to them, including my hair. His favorite thing is to bounce up and down and when his daddy holds him up high. He has grown over 4 inches since he's been born and more than doubled his weight. He is cute beyond words and can drive us insane beyond words, too. He has learned how to get a constant whine going. He has learned to get bored and begun seeking more attention. All in the last four weeks. It looks like he's going to take after his mommy and be a big talker. He's practicing now. Along with the loud and stinky farts. Having a baby is challenging. It's time consuming, it's humbling, it's frustrating. And it's incredibly rewarding. And will be more so when he sleeps... I love you David, happy four months. To four thousand more.  FAVORITE PASTTIME  There have been tims that I took a break from reading agressively. The most notable being during college. The first two years of college, I didn't read much during the school year. When David was born, I stopped reading for a while. I wasn't getting any sleep and I had a hard enough time juggling him and work that reading was out of the question. A few weeks ago, I randomly started reading again. I am not exactly sure how it happened but it opened some sort of flood gate. I've read 8 books in the last three weeks. I started with the fascinating Opening Skinner's Box and the always wonderful Elizabeth Berg's new Year of Pleasures. I moved on to Freakonomics and Hornby's columns from the Believer and Wisdom of Crowds and Anne Lamott's Plan B and Alice Munro's Runaway. I am now reading Ian McEwan's Saturday and enjoying it immensely, especially considering there's very little happening in the story. It's almost as if I'd forgotten how amazingly rewarding reading is for me. It's like food for my soul. I don't even know why I feel that way but each time I put a book down, I can't wait to get back to it. My favorite time of the day is the one hour after David goes to sleep where I crawl into bed and read. Okay, my favorite time actually is the mornings when David wakes up because he's so ubelievably happy but right after that is the reading hour. To add to my joy, some of my favorite authors are coming out with new novels this summer: John Irving, Nick Hornby and Melissa Banks. Thinking about those books makes me giddy! I don't know what prompted my return to reading, but I am so glad for the distraction. As David's growing old enough to voice his boredom loudly and he's still waking up anywhere from three to seven times a night, it's the books that seem to keep me sane lately. BFF  I've notices three different trends in ways that my friendships disappear. The first is the most obvious one of busy lives. I'm busy, he's busy. We work in big companies, we work too many hours. We mean to call. We mean to write. When we get together, it's tons of fun. It's just that we never do get together. We don't write. We don't call. One's traveling, the other is at work late. Fact is, we're never as busy as we think we are. There's always time for a good friend and for good coversation. It's good for the soul. A good friend and I had found a solution to this when I lived in NYC. We'd set up a regular date for Thursdays after work. The two of them and the two of us had a regular date at a bar in SoHo. We always showed up and spent anywhere from one hour to five hours at the bar chatting. Somehow, because it was regular, we never ditched it. There was never the worry of scheduling, it was ongoing. I wish I could do this with all my friends. Maybe a regular phone date. Or email, even. Good friends never really disappear and even ten years later we can catch up but there is that little bit that vanishes and once daily life isn't shared, we do have a bit of distance between us that never closes. The second is a bit more painful. It's the case similar to the one above but one party is obviously making a bigger effort than the other. This is painful when I'm the one making the effort and it's painful when the other party is. If I am making the effort and calling and writing with no response, I feel hurt and rejected. If the other party is doing it, I feel guilty and frustrated. There's something obviosly out of balance here. Sometimes, it balances out randomly when the other person changes their mind but it's rare. What generally happens is that resentment builds and the friendship whiters away to nothing. The last one is my least favorite one. It's the one where something happens. Big or small. Something that makes you question the friendship. Something that leaves you with sour taste in your mouth. It might be a bickering that should have never gotten out of hand or a true betrayal that hurts deep down. Either way, there's no going back. You can try to apologize, forgive and go back but things will never be the same again. That thing is now there. It's like a thorn that is too deep in your flesh. This only happens with really good friends because those are the only ones you give a shit about enough to have this pain. And it hurts like hell. There are days when I feel it's easier to just be with my family and books. There's much less potential for pain there. But then a friend calls and I remember why it's important to have him or her in my life. |
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