Pregnant women pee a lot. This is a known fact. Most of them have a hard time peeing a whole bladder-full at a time and thus take many unsuccessful trips to the bathroom.
That's not my problem.
Each time I make a trip to the bathroom, it's a worthwhile visit. My problem is the number of visits I make to the bathroom in any given night. We tend to go to bed somewhere from 9 to 10pm. I generally lie in bed and read for a little bit so help me to go sleep. In the 15 minutes or so that's my "get ready to sleep" time, I go to the bathroom three times. There are many days when I go come back, go into bed and have to go again. It's not "psychological" either. I pee each time. More than a few drops. So don't go around thinking I am insane. I just seem to be producing pee in Superman speed.
Once I go to sleep, my lovely bladder wakes me up every one and a half hours for a trip. That means that on a night where I sleep from 10pm to 7am, I wake up six times. If you add that to the three I did right before sleep, I go to pee NINE times between 9pm and 7am. It seems to me that that should be physically impossible. But it's not. I am living proof.
After several nights of this, I have decided maybe I should just move into the bathroom at night. Sleep on the toilet. It might be a bit comfortable but I bet, if I work on it, I can manage to pee without waking up and actually get a full night's sleep.
To be fair to entries like this and this, I think it's worth pointing out that today was a very good day. Nothing particular happened. I went to work and the day was mostly smooth, quite productive, and yet free of too much stress. Things went right, for the most part.
On the way home, our 72-degree weather and cloudless skies added to my mood and I decided to take a stroll instead of going home. It's days like this that make me glad we moved to San Diego. Days like this that make up for the other days. Days like this that remind you what a wonderful place the world is and how many great things I have going for me in life. It's not that I don't know them at the back of my mind all the time. It's just that sometimes I really feel it.
And those days are really special so I wanted to make sure to have a record of one.
I have gotten way too little sleep last night to write this as eloquently as I want to but I figured I'll start it now and can always adjust it tomorrow. So please don't get mad at me if it's not so well-put.
I have decided that there's a big difference between people who are Well Versed in a subject and those who are simply biased. There are people who already hold a specific belief and read anything and everything that backs up their opinion and nothing on the opposing side. I find these people to be more annoying to talk to than the ones who haven't read at all. At least with completely uninformed people I can tell myself that they don't care enough about the issue to read up on it and have just formulated opinions with no facts to back them up. It's easy for me to not get into a conversation with such a person.
A person who has only read books/articles/papers that agree with his/her point of view is a totally different kind of fighter. This person has facts and refuses to consider the possibility that the things s/he considers facts might be biased but claims anything on the other side of the issue is biased or distorted. Such a person is incredibly frustrating to deal with and completely pointless to talk to. The only reason I would like to talk to someone who disagrees with me is because I'd be interested in their way of thinking or the information they might have interpreted differenly than I did. This allows me to see the world from different angles and thus allows me to grow. But if the person I am talking to is just there to prove their point and is completely closed to mine, it makes the conversation very argumentative and my main goal is never to argue or to convince someone of my way. It's simply to understand their way. For this, I need to be open to the possibility of seeing the world from their eyes. And they need to be open to the same. If they completely refuse to listen to or read any of the opposing thoughts, I can only assume they are parroting points from their reading, not ideas they have actually developed through thought and comparison of counter positions on issues.
Talking to someone who's simply repeating other people's words is useless to me, I might as well read that person's words (and get the word from the original source). I prefer to deal with people who are well versed and spent time thinking where they stand on an issue and why.
I spent a large portion of today looking for baby items that I am supposed to have before the baby comes. According to several places, I am supposed to have like 248 things before the baby even comes home. The small problem is that I absolutely hate shopping. Of any kind.
After reading the completely contradictory reviews on each item on amazon, I've decided I can't do this online. I can't do this alone either. I need someone who loves shopping to provide our trip with some enthusiasm. I am hoping my mom may fill the void. My sister is doing a huge amount of work over the net but I need a physical person here with me.
There are too many decisions to make and all of them seem incredibly important. I imagine all that matters should be that I get a bed, a stroller/carseat, diapers, and some clothes. Is everything else really urgent?
I figured carrying and having the baby would be the hardest part until the baby came, but I must say that the shopping is proving to be quite painful.
As I am growing bigger and bigger, my daily life has changed quite a bit. In the last week, three times, I woke up at 3:30am to pee and lay in bed for about an hour before I gave up on sleeping, got up, read some stuff on the computer, watched a bit of TV and went back to bed. As someone who used to be a night person, I really really don't enjoy being awake at 3:30am unless I haven't gone to sleep yet because I am coding something fun. Now, I wake up in the middle of the night a lot and I am in deep sleep by 10pm most nights.
I spend most of the day in my nightgown unless I am going out. Loose clothing that breathes a lot is the only option lately. I am hot almost all the time and there's nothing I can wear that's comfortable in every position (meaning lying down vs sitting vs standing).
I am tired all the time but not able to sleep. I used to be able to sleep anywhere, anytime. I slept so hard that earthquakes wouldn't wake me. Now, I spend many afternoons attempting to sleep and I am constantly unsuccessful. When I am actually sleeping, it's very light and a hiccup can wake me up. The only good side of this is that I seem to do a lot of lucid dreaming lately.
I used to do all my work on the couch, in front of the TV. Thanks to my tummy, sitting on and getting up from the couch has become a challenge. Unless I sit up right, my stomach is going into my ribs and hurting me quite a bit. So, now I sit at the table, up right like a stick was shoved up my ass.
Oh and have I mentioned I can't seem to read anymore? I am so slow at it and my concentration is way below normal. I can't go to the movies anymore since I have to pee several times in the middle of the film. Each time I bend down to take a macro shot, it takes several minutes for me to get back up. And, of course, every piece of food is viewed with: "Will this still taste good if I am burping it up all day long?"
The fun part is that I know things are going to get more interesting as I move from month seven to eight to nine. I just hope that my back doesn't give out. That would really suck. Ahem, and I am aware that my life will change considerably once the baby comes but one day at a time for now.
I am a few days away from week 30. That means we have around 10 weeks before the baby is here (assuming it's full term and not early or late.) A few weeks ago the doctor worried that my uterus was too small, but now I am measuring exactly where I am and all my tests (blood and diabetes) came out healthy. The baby's heart is beating loudly and at the correct speed. So all seems to be fine.
Except that I've gained a lot of weight. I spent the first five months gaining a tiny bit of weight and now I'm gaining like it's going out of style. I've gained a bit over 22 pounds and I don't show any signs of slowing down. The thing that makes me mad is that I'm not eating any chocolate or chips or ice cream or anything that's your typical pregnancy food. The only possible culprit is that I drink Orangina (maybe a glass a day) but I can't honestly tell how I'm gaining all this weight. At first, I really freaked out. I asked the doctor if the weight gain has any bad implications on the baby. He said that there's no correlation between weight gain and a big baby. The main causes of baby size are diabetes or a genetic disposition to having large babies. The main downside to gaining more than the desired amount is that I'll have more to lose afterwards. (There are other disadvantages like my back might hurt a lot, etc, but I am not anywhere near that range for now.)
So all my worries are from being vain. The baby is ok. The pregnancy is coming along fine, yet I am spending hours crying because I'm gaining more weight than I would like. How's that for a good mom?
I love car trips. Ever since we did our cross country trip I love the idea of piling up everything I love into the little car and driving to fun places. Being in California and having a car has meant that we can leave town at the drop of a hat. Since we've been here, we've taken around one trip a month to somewhere within California.
I am hoping this fact won't change when the baby comes. On Wednesday, Jake and I drove up to meet his brother and parents in Santa Barbara to celebrate Thanksgiving. I am thinking this will be our last trip out of town before the baby comes. Especially since I'm already almost too big to sit in the car comfortably.
Our current car trips already include 7 books, 10 movies, a cooler with lots of veggies, fruit and water, several gigs of music, 2 laptops, several chargers, camera with three lenses, several sets of changes of clothes, and a blanket and pillow. All this just for a four-day trip. I can't begin to imagine how much more complicated it will get once I have to bring along diapers, baby clothes, baby blankets, baby food, baby toys, and a million other baby needs. Our little Civic isn't the roomiest car there ever was but it has accomodated us very graciously.
Pithier and longer entries when I'm back in town. In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy your weekend.
I am amazed that in today's world where companies are in a race to offer the better deal, no one is paying attention to another avenue of customer retention: good customer service.
I spent some time "chatting" with a service provider and with a cable company today. Both services were horribly bad. The hosting company is offering a deal for new clients only that allows them to pay the same price as current clients but gives them several times more bandwidth and storage space. The person I was chatting with insisted that the deal was only available for new clients.
I can understand the company's desire to get new clients and thus offering an enticing deal to them but isn't it stupid to make your current clients so upset that they leave? You may or may not get the new clients even with the enticing deal and thus it seems like a bad idea to lose the ones you do have. Am I missing something here?
This seems to be common practice in the industry. Cable companies, phone companies, and many others practice the same deal. It seems to me that keeping your current clients happy should be a high priority and companies shouldn't have the mindset of "I already got that person so who cares?" attitude. It's probably partially the customer's fault for not revolting enough but still it's all so slimy.
Along the same lines, I think most companies don't pay enough attention to having good customer service. I've had two major exceptions to this norm: Skytel and Tivo. Both companies have phenomenal service and have made me loyal consumers. I would easily pay a bit more to get excellent service than to pay bottom price and have an attitude each time I need some help. But maybe that's just me.
Even so, I am annoyed at the "only worry about getting new customers" attitude the companies are employing these days and wish that enough people would get together to show them the power of exisiting customers and why it's important to not blow them off.
Ten years ago, today, Jake and I kissed for the first time.
We'd been friends for a while but it was just that. And then it wasn't. We laughed a lot and spent hours and hours talking until wee hours of the morning. We hung out doing nothing, playing computer games, listening to music, watching bad TV, talking with friends. Basically what you do in college. I don't think either one of us thought it was more serious than a nice relationship.
But then I graduated and we lived together that summer in New York. Then we did the long distance thing for a year. Then we moved in together permanently. Then we did the long distance thing again when I lived in Japan. Then we got engaged and then married. Now we're expecting a baby. All of which started with that semi-innocent kiss ten years ago.
It's amazing to me how we never got into the relationship thinking it might be the last one we ever have. How we never really evaluated each other as potential husband/wife all those years ago and yet we managed to get a solid, lasting and wonderful marriage out of it. If I had met Jake two years ago, at 28, I would like to think that I'd still have had the wisdom to recognize that he'd make a wonderful husband and a great father, but I am not really sure. I feel like as we get older, we look at relationships more critically. We're older and in a different place in our lives and have different needs and wants than we did at 20. Thus, when in college I might have prioritized choosing someone who is fun to be with and makes me laugh, today I might have been looking for a man who's successful and responsible and has a long term plan. Or something like that. I think the extra level of stress and requirements that we add, make it much harder to find and keep a successful match.
Maybe I'm just thinking that cause I don't know what I'm talking about.
What I do know is that I've been in the United States 12 years and have spent 10 of them with Jake. I've now spent a third of my life with him and I can't wait to spend every single moment of the rest of my life with him.
I love you, Jake and thank you for being with me.
ps: This post was written on Thursday, December 2. I've left the text as is and will be posting it as if it's that day. FYI.
I spend a certain amount of energy every day thinking about what I'm going to write here. I formulate the idea in my mind and then think of how I will put it all down. It doesn't all come together until I sit down to type it all up.
The last few days have been even more hectic than usual. I have started Childbirth Preperation classes and I have CPR and Breastfeeding coming up, too. I now have to go to the doctor once every two weeks and not monthly since I am much closer to delivery. I'm having an even harder time sleeping since my belly is heavy enough to strain my back muscles and give me random cramps. I pee even more than before, if that's possible to imagine. So I am so tired that I do the typical bored student thing at my desk: my head falls over as my eyes close and I jerk myself back up.
My company will be closing for the holidays in ten days and by the time they come back I will be 36 weeks or so and possibly too tired, too big and too stupid to function. Thus, I am trying to squish in all the big projects I've been meaning to do. This makes my days full of frenzy and I don't have enough personal time to get my own projects done. Thus the website suffers.
I am sure stuff won't get easier when the baby comes but I am hoping I will eventually learn to organize everything back to some sort of schedule. Cross fingers.
All this is to thank you for visiting even when I don't update regularly and to let you know that I am going to do my best to update regularly.
Something that I often run into in my work is people telling me how amazing it is that I know how to do it. "I can't believe you did this! You're so bright!" I hear such compliments over and over again. Which, while being very nice, aren't really warranted 100%.
We all have strengths and weaknesses. More to my point, we each have our unique set of knowledge. Things we've learned at some point or another, some through formal means and some practically. To the people who know them, the things they know often seem easy. Especially if it's something they've done frequently. For example, I've been doing database design for almost ten years now, and such there are basic principles of design that I know like the back of my hand. Same goes for using a computer or writing UNIX shell scripts. These are things that others might value and feel are difficult but most of the time they are not to me.
On the other hand, I can't cook to save my life. I wish I were more creative and artistically talented. I wish I knew how to do real advanced math or physics. I can't ride a bike. I am still struggling with driving. To someone who can ride a bike, that skill is no biggie. Just cause you can do it and have been able to do it since you were six, doesn't make it easy. It just makes it something you know.
If we all realized that the world comes in two categories: stuff we know and stuff we don't know, we could all relax and know that things can be moved from one category into the other. Some items may take longer to transfer. For example, I imagine it would take me much longer to learn the details of string theory than it might to learn how to cook peas. What matters isn't how long it takes me, it is the fact that almost any item can be moved from the "i don't know" column to the "i know" column with the right amount of time, resources, and attitude.
In my opinion, attitude is the biggest factor. If you have the right attitude, you can create the time and find the resources. Every bit of improvement starts with believing in yourself and your ability to accomplish your task. That's why I cringe each time someone says "Oh, I could never do that."
Firstly, I apologize for the lack of updates. I'd blame it on my exhaustion, my lack of time, my lack of ideas but this time it was something much more mechanical than that. Our not-very-bright ISP forgot to pull out the static IPs from the DNS pool last week causing major net problems for us all week last week. Which meant our connection went down every thirty seconds. I had a hard enough time working from home and didn't have the energy to fight the ssh connection that allows me to post my entries. We're back now, though, and all should be fine.
When I first got pregnant, other mothers told me that everyone would now touch my belly and they would all tell me what to do. I figured since I still don't know that many people in San Diego, the chances of people touching me weren't very high and also I have no problem telling people to get their hands off of me. However, I wasn't prepared for how hostile I would really feel.
It seems that I automatically have a negative reaction to people's comments regardless of the intention with which it's delivered and how close or foreign that person might be to me. A few months ago, a friend told me that I really should get some maternity pants instead of unzipping the regular ones I wore. Instead of agreeing with her logical comment, my first hunch was to say:
"Fuck You."
Thankfully, I didn't actually say it out loud. But since then, I've noticed that everyone's opinions on what I should and shouldn't do is automatically greeted by my inner reluctance. I feel like telling them all off. For some reason instead of interpreting the information as helpful, I am processing it as confrontational or patronizing. And I am way too exhausted to be patronized.
So that's how it goes.
"You really should have the baby's room ready by now."
"Fuck You."
"You really should be exercising more."
"Fuck You."
"Are you seriously not taking any time off work? That's crazy; you should take off starting the beginning of January."
"Fuck You."
I know some of this is good advice but I can't seem to acknowledge that right now. What I need more is someone to spend time with and laugh with. I need a lot lot more sleep. I need to relax and know that everything will be okay with us and with the baby. I need someone to have fun with and not unsolicited advice. I am sure I will regret not listening to these wise people some day real soon, but for now I really just want them all to fuck off.
I don't dance. I used to years ago but I never enjoyed it. I always felt uncoordinated and awkward. My friends used to time their moves to the rythm of the song and I felt stupid and out of place. Eventually I just gave it up. I decided it wasn't giving me the joy or sense of freedom people talk about. I'm sure a shrink wouldn't approve of my giving up but I don't miss it much.
My baby, it appears, loves dancing. S/he is already dancing and s/he's not even out yet.
One of the things you're supposed to start doing in the third trimester of pregnancy is to keep "kick logs." These are typically done after dinner while you lay on your side. You take thirty minutes or one hour and count how many times the baby kicks in that time frame. Or you can count up to so many kicks and find out how much time it took the baby to kick that many times. This is so the doctor can make sure your baby is okay. A moving baby is a healthy baby, they say.
I've never had to do one of those logs. As soon as my body is in bed, the baby decides it's time to dance. I generally count until 100 before I give up. We seem to reach three digit numbers in less than 20 minutes most nights. Just to give you a sense, they say to worry if the baby kicks fewer than ten times in a 24-hour period. Obviously, that's not a problem we have.
Last week, I had a long week at work and noticed that the baby wasn't kicking as much as usual. We were still easily over 50 in a day but for my baby that's not a lot. I decided to wait until Friday to see if it was work-related. As we guessed, come Friday night, the minute my vacation began, the baby began dancing. S/he didn't stop all weekend. At points it was so strong that you could see my entire belly shift to one side and come back or stretch in ways that look like they must hurt. But they don't.
The kicking never hurts me. I love it. It's like a way for the baby to talk to me before we get to meet each other. I know s/he can hear me now but I can't hear the baby yet and such we communicate through the kicks. As long as s/he doesn't keep it up once s/he's on the outside, we're good.
I never considered myself to be a creative person. I always wished I were but never really thought I was good enough. Nonetheless, I constantly felt the pull of the artistic world and minored in Art when I was in college. Most of what I did then was two-dimensional digital art. I tried my hand in calligraphy and design as well.
After college I took several three-dimensional graphics courses. I took a clay course and another college-level design course. I never has the guts to take a drawing class, so the last time I did that, I was around ten years old. Having taken so many courses, I still had never tried anything that would be considered crafty since elementary school.
My last year in New York, I took a current affairs class at the New School. The class was huge and the teacher lectured all but the last ten minutes. It wasn't the kind of course that required note-taking, mostly active listening. In my second session, I noticed a woman knitting during the class. It seemed to me that knitting was a perfect way to multi-task in this case.
I went out and bought some yarn and picked up basic techniques here and there. Since then I have knit a lot of scarves and I am now working on a baby blanket. Ten months ago, my friend Cyndi and I decided we wanted to try making jewelry. We went to a bead store, bought a whole bunch of beads, took a free class and got started on our earrings. She did a lot more and I still have catching up to do but it didn't take us too long to get the hang of it.
Last week, I decided to try another crafty project. When the baby comes, I want to scrapbook the first year of the baby's life. My dad has albums from our birth that has cards, baby teeth, our umbilical cords, locks of hair, etc. I always thought those albums were fantastic and I want to make one, too. I didn't want the baby to be my very first scrapbook ever so we went to the scrapbooking store, which is a place you can leave entire paychecks without blinking an eye, and bought a whole bunch of stuff for me to scrapbook our cross-country trip. I printed around 100 photos and made an outline.
What I should have known is that the cross country trip is a huge project and it will take forever for me to finish it. I have been working on it actively since Thursday (hence the lack of updates) and I am on page 41 of 58. When I reach 58, I still have to go back and add all the text. I am not exactly sure what I was thinking.
At this point I will be all scrapbooked-out by the time the baby comes.
Since New Year's is my most cherished holiday, I have an inclination to make a lot of resolutions. I tell myself each year that this year will be the year I turn the corner on many things. This year I will learn to ride a bike. This year I will drive completely on my own. This year I will learn to take things less seriously. Less personally. Less emotionally. And, of course, most of it never happens.
I've come to believe that things happen one of two ways: out of severe necessity or because it's time. In 2004, I quit drinking Diet Coke because I got pregnant and I knew that for a person who drank 8 to 10 cans a day, switching to 1 a day wasn't a realistic option. I started drinking a ton more water, eating healthier, trying to keep my yoga to a regular schedule, stress less, and give up the need to lose weight. All for the same reason. The baby to come.
I moved leaps and bounds in driving in that I've become a lot more comfortable and can hold animated conversations while I'm driving. This didn't come out of hours of practice like one would think. It actually seems the less I drove, the more I became okay with it. I still have a huge way to go on that but somehow the time must have come for me to relax a bit because I did without a personal effort or vow to do so.
As for reading more, learning more, being happier and calmer. Those came and went with the hormones in my body. To be fully honest, I can't even remember the first four months before I was pregnant. I can't remember how it felt not to feel so big and clumsy. Not to have to pee every five seconds. Regardless, most of this year felt like it wasn't in my control and I learned quickly to keep up with the necessary and let go of the trivial.
Which brings me to 2005. I am now wise enough to admit that I cannot make a single resolution that I am guaranteed to keep in 2005. I cross my fingers and toes that the baby will come close to on time and the labor will be as bearable as possible and, most importantly, the baby will be healthy and happy. If all those things happen, I am willing to consider 2005 a good year.
Most of my wishes for this coming year involve others. I wish for Jake's business to prosper. I want us to have a happy balance and a healthy approach to building our family. I hope the baby has an uneventful, happy, colic-free year. We will be starting the year with a lot of visitors which means that we'll be surrounded by family more than we've been in the last ten years. I hope that it strengthens our bonds and starts us off in a good track.
I know that I won't be able to control most of what goes on this year (and probably all the others after this one). I hope I learn to relinquish the need to control quickly and learn to live my new life as wonderfully as possible. I make no resolutions this year, except for one which I think is necessary:
I will learn to go with the flow.
May 2005 bring all of you prosperity, luck, health, and ample joy. Thank you for stopping by.
This is one of those weeks when I wish things could slow down a bit. I have too much catching up to do with my life and I can't seem to get it all working. That's partly why I haven't updated in a while. I have many things I want to write about but I don't seem to catch up ever. I have too many emails and only more are piling up before I get through the list.
I'd say downtime will come with the baby but we all know that's a lie. I figure I should do it all before the little one comes since life as we know it will most likely be over with the arrival. Hope to catchup and get back into the groove in the next few days.
We're down to four weeks left. Fact is, only 5% of pregnant people actually deliver on their due date. So most people say that our potential delivery period is somewhere between two weeks from now to six weeks from now. Either way, it's coming sooner than we can imagine. The most popular question I've been asked latety is: Aren't you curious?
Don't you want to know if it's a girl or a boy?
Of course I'm curious. This baby has been growing in me for over 8 months now and I am curious about all of the details. Does s/he have long legs? Are all the organs in the right place? Everything ok with the limbs, the brain, the eyes? Will s/he have blue eyes like Jake? Will s/he have colic?
I am desperately curious to meet my baby. I pray that all is well and she or he will be born and live to be very healthy and happy long after I'm gone. I have a million worries and another million hopes. And in my list of 'things I really hope for,' gender isn't number one. It isn't even in the top ten.
When I seriously sit down and think about it, I've decided that I don't have a significant preference of gender. I know some pretty awful women and some pretty awful men. What I care about much more is that our baby turns out to have a mild and pleasant personality. That she or he is a moderately easy baby and child. That we do right by him or her. Those are the things I care about. I've met enough atypical examples of each gender that I know having a girl doesn't guarantee any information about the sort of girl we'll end up with. And same goes for the boy. We already have too many assumptions on the toys our kids will like or the life they will lead depending on the gender they are and I want to make sure I don't fall into the typical pitfalls.
So when I am honest with myself, it really doesn't matter to me what gender the baby is. The main reason I am annoyed we don't know is because, in English, I have to refer to the baby as 'it' since we can't justifiably use he or she yet. Whereas, in Turkish, we don't have gender-specific pronouns, making the 'it' equivalent not such a derogatory word to use. This is one of those cases where pronoun ambiguity would be in our favor.
So, any premonitions? Girl or boy? (Oh, and we're 99.9% positive that there's only one so don't even go there!)
Since Jake and I moved to San Diego a year and a half ago, we haven't made a huge number of friends here. It's a combination of a lack fo effort and lack of circumstance. We both work from home. My office has a total of seven people and he works for himself. Having come from huge Wall Street firms, our current setup isn't condusive to making work friends. We attempted to go to a few meetup events in the beginning but just got lazy.
This is why I had assumed that I wouldn't have a baby shower. I figured I wouldn't have anyone to invite. But four different people offered to throw us a shower and in the end we had fifteen people over on Saturday for the baby shower. It turns out we have more local friends than we thought. It's amazing how little things make you realize the day to day things you take for granted.
Major thanks go to my friend Cynthia who really did 99.9% of the work. To Ashlie who surprised me and came all the way from St. Louis just for the shower. To Jess and Chris who, even though they didn't actually get to make it since the weather was extremely uncooperative, had intended to drive all the way from San Fran for the day. And to Stacey who drove down from Palm Springs in torrential rain. And to everyone who came and intended to come.
It appears we, and our soon to be, are luckier than I ever imagined. We are surrounded by amazing people.
One of the saddest things for me is to realize when a friendship has deteriorated so much that all of our conversations are empty. It's one thing to acknowledge that it's over and stop calling each other, but an entirely different ballgame when we continue the appearance that all is fine but we both know it's not.
Recently, I've begun to notice that some of my oldest friends have become such acquaintances. We can talk for 50 minutes about absolutely nothing. And I don't mean that in the nice way where you are chatting about the random fun stuff you did that day. I mean in the way where you both know the conversation is dragging. You're not saying anything of substance and the conversation will never leave the realm of "fakeness." I know that I should let go of this friendship regardless of its history. I know we both already have. But it's so hard to take that last step.
To admit that sometimes things just fall apart for no reason and when people don't stop to recognize or address it, it gets to a point where there's no turning back. Where you wonder what held it together to begin with. Where you can't remember the beginning, only this very sad ending.
Having these conversations physically pains me. But at the same time, I am loathe to let go for some reason. I don't want to admit it's over. It's as if my admittance will make it end.
I don't have much to say today. Or at least I am not in the mood to say it so I thought I should point you to Oso's thought-provoking post on happiness. It's worth the read.
I commented that I tend to be less happy when I'm free and he replied that he does that, too, but it's mostly due to avoidance. I agree with him partially. Sometimes there is a genuine issue brewing under and in that case it's really a bad idea to avoid it and repress it down further so it's harder to recall next time. Some stuff gets represed so much that we don't even know it's there anymore. That's bed news cause it is bound to come up eventually and it's not a pretty picture when it does.
Having said that, I do think that sometimes it's best not to have too much time to think. There are times when I have nothing better to do and so will take a small thing and blow it right out of proportion. I will spend a huge amount of energy stressing about it and I will make myself miserable. All this not because the issue really warrants being sad, but because I have too much time on my hands. How pathetic is that?
The good news is, once the baby comes, too much free time won't be a phrase I can utter until the baby is in college.
As a child, I often wondered what made someone an adult. When was the magical time that you crossed over from being a child to being a responsible adult? My mom looked liked an adult. She acted like an adult. Her face, her conversation, even her toes were those of an adult. At the time, I figured once I was over my teens, I'd be an adult, too.
As the years passed, I didn't feel like an adult and I didn't think I looked like an adult. Not the way my mom did. Even though I discovered that she can behave like a child, too, I still thought my mom was more of a "grown up" than I was. College didn't change that. Neither did moving into my very first apartment. Neither did getting a full time job and making more money than she ever did. It felt like maybe I was never going to grow up.
Lately, I've been thinking that maybe crossing over the threshold to having my own kids is when I cross over the threshold to becoming an adult. This is officially the time when I am going to be much more concerned about another living being than I am about myself. Not that there aren't times I put myself after Jake or my family or a friend. But this is permanent and it's constant. This little baby, and later the child and even the adult, will always come before me. I will have to learn to push other people away kindly but firmly to protect the well being of my baby. I will have to learn to make major progress on my "hangups" because now they are affecting an unsuspecting third party who never signed up to deal with my issues. Even if I don't feel it, I'm going to have to learn to act the part of a grown-up. It's all a bit overwhelming and scary. What if I mess it up?
I know what everyone says, "all you can do is your best." But this is a huge responsibility. It's not something to be taken lightly. I think my mom always looked like an adult cause she had us very young. She was only 21 when my sister is born. She learned to grow up very quickly. Over the years she adopted and looked the part of a grown up. And now it's my turn. And I plan to take it seriously.
Though I still don't think my toes look like a grown-up's.
I am an avid reader. If the excerpts and the 50 books links aren't enough to convince you, let me assure you that, under normal life circumstances, I read one to two books a week. I love reading and I've loved reading ever since I was little. So, it was a bit odd that when I got pregnant, I didn't rush to buy all the books on the subject or visit the plethora of websites that giver advice and information.
My first hesitation was statistical. There's a higher than average chance of having a miscarriage in the first three month of a pregnancy, especially with the first pregnancy. Thus, I told myself that I didn't want to get excited and caught up in all the reading. That felt like a pretty legitimate reason not to buy anything.
Once the first trimester was over, I was so busy throwing up that I didn't want to get up from bed, let alone go out to buy books. So another two months passed and I still hadn't read a word about being pregnant or the baby growing inside of me. (Not to lie, there was one website I went to ocassionaly which told me what week I was in and what that meant.)
On Month Five, once the puking stopped, I decided it was time to go out and purchase some books. Since my pregnancy was already almost at the end of its second trimester, I didn't want to spend too much time or money on pregnancy books. Instead I bought books on the baby's first year, teaching sign language, helping your baby sleep, etc. I bought only one pregnancy book that was supposed to be fun. I came home and read that one first.
After 60 pages, I had to put the book down and I never picked it up again. The same thing happened this week when I attempted to read our Childbirth Preperation class book. I can't seem to get through these materials. A jaded person might claim it's because I am not excited about the baby (which is definitely not true) or I am in denial somehow (which is also absolutely false). I am no longer feeling bad about not wanting to read. I've decided it's healthier not to read.
There are about 10 pages in each of these books that tell you what a "normal" pregnancy/birth is like. The rest of the several hundred-page book talks about things that can go wrong. Or it talks about things that will definitely happen and that aren't pleasant. Like bleeding or severe cramps or acute pain. While it's a good idea to know enough to be able to differentiate between the normal and the abnormal, I am not sure that knowing the details of how painful labor might be will help me go through it more smoothly.
I figure that at this point the baby is big enough that it will hurt no matter how the baby comes out. I also know that the six-week class gave us more than enough information on what to expect, what's a bad sign, and when to goto the hospital. The rest is stuff I don't need to know.
I haven't been able to update because my parents came to town on Sunday and we've been running errands galore since then. We've taken what used to be Jake's room and then became an empty room and made a complete baby room out of it. It has a crib with a mobile, matress, sheets and bumpers, drawers full of clothes and a changing table, a bed (which was there for guests and will stay there) full of stuffed animals and toys. Two vibrating bouncers, a baby monitor, a playpen thingie, the stroller, a closet with diapers, nail clippers, thermometer and baby medicine, books, video tapes, and a box full of toys. Most bought and all set up in the last four days. I also have a rocking chair with ottoman in the living room and a pack'n'play with crib and changing table in the bedroom.
We have packed our hospital bags which are to be finalized today. I've made 5 hospital CDs for labor. We bought the bestest camcorder: JVC's Everio which was something we drooled about but didn't think we could get. Presents are so wonderful. The camera is packed and so is the camcorder. The birthing ball is blown up and pillows are ready.
I've already read the first six chapters of The Baby Book and watched The Happiest Baby on the Block with Jake. We made a list of possible names for girls and boys. We've cleaned up the rooms and washed all the baby clothes and toys we received. We bought extra detergent so we don't have to leave if we generate baby laundry faster than we can go out. I don't need formula since, hopefully, I come equipped with the baby food. I do have to eventually get a pump but we're going to wait a bit on that.
My doctor's out of town until Monday so I hope the baby can wait that long, but otherwise we seem to be all set. Or at least as set as we'll get. Now all we can do is wait and hope that labor isn't too too bad and much more importantly, that the little one is healthy.
Well I just entered my due week. I am sure you're sick of reading about the baby and honestly, I want to write about other stuff, too. I am reading Blink by Malcolm Gladwell and it's a fantastic book and it's making me think a lot and generally those kind of books generate a lot of blog entires for me.
However, I am so big and contracting so much that I can't seem to function much anymore. You try sleeping with a big, hard rock attached to your stomach and let me know how it goes. Part of me is scared of all the changes life will bring with this baby and that part knows that I should prolong labor as much as possible. While I might not be able to get sleep now, at least I don't have a baby that completely depends on me. (Actually, I already do but it somehow doesn't feel as real).
The other part of me can't wait to finally see the little thing that's been living in me for 9 months. I'd lie and say I am all calm about labor but I am scared shitless. Actually, I am scared shitless of the whole thing. I tend to enjoy predicatability. I don't mean that I am afraid of unknown things cause I've ventured into the unknown many times in my life. I moved to the US for college all by myself. I lived in Japan for six months not knowing a word of the language and hating all the food. I left my cushy Wall Street job for a teaching job I believed in and then left that for a city I'd never seen in my life. I'm not afraid of conquering the unknown. In general.
This time, it's different. This time it affects more than just me. Or Jake and me. I am bringing this little creature into the world because I wanted to and regardless of his or her wishes, she or he will hopefully live for a long long time in this world because of me. I will get to decide how s/he begins life. I will choose the first few friends. The first school. The clothes and experiences this baby will have until s/he is old enough to make decisions. That's a huge load of responsibility.
In my mind, having a baby, and then a child, means that I am now fully subscribed into the land of the unknown. As opposed to venturing there every now and then, I will be taking permanent residence there. That might be exciting to a lot of people. It's a bit scary to me. I couldn't imagine doing it for a better reason but, it's still quite overwhelming.
I am hoping that the day to day life will leave me with little enough time that I won't ponder the weight of this too often. That, and the hormones finally leaving my body, should help, too.
Since the baby still hasn't decided to grace us with his/her presence, I decided to take a long walk yesterday. Walking is supposed to help the baby decide to come and it was a lot more appealing to me than castor oil, which is also supposed to help the baby along.
During my walk, I started thinking about how much time we spend judging people. From the smallest things to the most significant. We spend hours criticizing other people's lives, their clothes, the choices they made for a career or a partner. We criticize their taste in books or music. Their hair color or the way they arranged the furniture. It's almost as if we get off knowing other people's lives aren't as 'good' or 'appropriate' as ours.
I'm not talking about major tragedy here. There are some people who seem to really enjoy that, too. But for the most part, any decent human tends to feel sorry for an individual who is genuinely suffering. I'm talking about people who look down upon others for listening to Britney Spears. Or for reading Sidney Sheldon. Or for wearing certain clothes or shoes. As I was walking around yesterday, I began to wonder what motivates people to judge others that way.
Who decides that one singer is "better" than another? Who decides that being good at math shows a higher level of intelligence than being artistic? Why and where were such conclusions made? Does it make a person feel better to know that their musical taste is "superior" to others'? I truly don't understand why we do this? When did it start feeling good to bash others? It makes me sad that children who are born not knowing any of this will eventually learn and have to adapt to the society in which they are raised.
This is why I ended up leaving my home country and environment. Not only did I not fit in, but I couldn't foresee a situation in which I ever would. Isn't it sad that because everyone has to be the same, we miss the opportunity of learning from each other? The chance to expand our horizons? If I only hung out with other computer programmers, I would have never learned the joy of sign language or graphic design. I may not be nearly as talented in either as some others are but I still get to appreciate them thanks to the people who love them and have opened my eyes.
Even if I didn't care to learn certain things, why can't I let people do what they like to do without making value judgements. Why is it funny to make fun of people's choices? As someone who's been judged a lot in her life, I have decided to be extra careful in making judgements of others. I am going to make a huge effort to watch my value judgements and to stop them. I will listen to myself more and destroy all my stupid preconceived ideas until I instinctively give people the benefit of the doubt and the respect they deserve.
David - Born: Tuesday, February 8, 2005, 9:51am - 6lbs. 13oz. - 20.5 inches.
Baby, Mommy and Daddy are all doing wonderfully. More unpdates in a few days.
It has now been two weeks since David has joined our family. There are so many little things that he does which I want to document daily but between feeding him, working, changing him, and sleeping, I seem to have zero free time to even brush my teeth. But I do think it's important to document these precious days that will go by so quickly. I am open to suggestions on the most efficient way to do that. I will try to do regular updates here soon again and I promise it won't be all about the baby, I just need some consistent sleep first.
When we found out that I was expecting, my doctor calculated my due date to be February 8th. The pregnancy.com website calculated it to be February 5th. When we did the 17-week ultrasound, we were told February 2nd. So when the 2nd and the 5th came and went, I was pretty depressed. As much as I wasn't experiencing the bloating that comes with the ninth month, I was ready for the baby to come out so I could see the creature I'd been carrying around for months.
On Monday, the 7th, we went for our doctor's visit. My doctor was scheduled to leave town on the 12th and if the baby didn't come by then, we were guaranteed to have a different doctor for the birth. One that we never met. So we decided to induce the next night and got an appointment for 7pm. As soon as we left the doctor's office, I felt terrible. Obviously the baby wasn't ready to come and forcing him/her out because I want to have my doctor present sounded so selfish suddenly.
Jake and I spent the next four hours talking about whether we should induce or not. We knew all might go well but we also knew that inducing meant a higher chance of c-section and more drugs for the baby and possibly a much more painful labor. We decided that there were going to be many decisions where we were going to have to put our kid before us and there was no reason not to start now. So we went to bed knowing we were going to call my doctor the next morning and cancel the induction.
At midnight, my water broke. I was sleeping and felt it all oer the bed, it was the weirdest feeling. I called the hospital cause I wasn't sure it was my water. They said to come in and they would let me know. We got to the hospital at 1am and they said my water had indeed broken and I wasn't going anywhere. I was only 2.5cm dilated and normally they don't admit you in the hospital until you are 4cm except for when your water breaks. I asked that we wait as long as possible before they give me medication to induce and was told they could wait six hours. They sent me up to labor and delivery and hooked me up to the machines. The night nurse, Heather Bacon, was awesome and helped us relax. Around 3:30, I told Jake he should sleep just in case it's a long night/day. At that point, my contractions were more regular but still painless. Within an hour, I went from no pain to acute pain. I couldn't breathe or move. On the way to the bathroom, I'd have two contractions, and three more on the way back. Heather came in to check on me and see if I wanted medication and I said not yet.
Another hour later I was in so much pain that I finally woke Jake up. As I was talking to him, Heather came in again and I asked her to check how far along I was. She said I was 5cm and could get an epidural if I wanted. We discussed it for a while and finally at 6am, I got an epidural. Whoever says epidurals hurt must obviously have not experienced labor. I was in so much pain at that point that I felt literally no pain from the epidural and as soon as he put it in, my pain disappeared. It was like a miracle.
An hour after the epidural, I was already 9.5cm so they called my doctor and told me to start pushing. Two hours and fifty minutes later, our little boy was born. The pushing wasn't a huge amount of fun but his head full of hair was very encouraging and helped me push.
All the horror stories I had heard about labor turned out not to be the case for me. The breastfeeding was a bit hard the second day since David didn't want to swallow. But we've got it down now. I had very little to recover from so getting back to normal wasn't a long way. I worked on Monday before David came and we checked out of the hospital on Thursday, Friday morning I was working again. People had told me it would be impossible to work with him at home and so far that hasn't been true either. Thankfully, none of the things I feared came true.
All in all, labor was less painful than 9 months of pregnancy and David is such a peaceful, wonderful baby that we feel blessed and overjoyed every minute of every day.
I would like to say that life has gone back to normal in the karenika household but that would be a lie. I know that we will be establishing a new normal now that our household accomodates three, but I am assuming it will not look the way it does now.
The good news is that he has gained a lot of weight and is happy and healthy. No major or minor problems, thankfully. The bad news is that mommy is exhausted most of the time. She spends her days in her pink pajamas, eating, feeding baby, sleeping, working, and doing laundry. She has lost some weight but has a lot more to go and her back is better than expected but still in quite a bit of pain. While she is pretty patient with David, she's short the rest of the time with the rest of the people in her life. She knows that's due to exhaustion and it will go away. David spends his days eating, sleeping, peeing, pooping, and spitting up.
I had promised myself that I wouldn't be one of those moms who constantly talks about her baby and that might be why I've been avoiding updating the site (that and a complete lack of disposable time). For the last three weeks, my life has been not much besides my baby and I assume it will be that way for at least a few more weeks before I start regaining some of my adult brain cells. I will start reading normal books again and having interesting thoughts again but, for now, I'm only concerned with the little one, making sure he's well fed and all around satisfied with the service he's getting.
So if you've been waiting for new photos or some thought-provoking entries (and I know it's been a long time since we've had those) hang in there, they'll be here in a while. I'm just a little busy enjoying the miracle of life.
Our little baby turns one month old today. He's been in this world for four weeks. He has grown from 6 pounds 13 ounces to 9 pounds 1 ounce. His hair has turned lighter and grown a lot. His eyes are even bluer than they were when he joined us. Even though I know it's not purposeful, his smiles are already heartbreaking.
Here's a list of google-queries I've made in the last month:
Thrush
Post-partum depression
Over-active letdown
Acid Reflux
Australian-hold
Breastfeeding with a fever
Mastitis
Curdled vs Hindmilk
Breastfeeding and peanutbutter
Gripe water downsides
Newborn stuffy nose relief
Baby massage
Umbilical cord care
Washing poop stains
Most of them were the overactive imagination of a new mom. One month down, millions more to go.
We love you more than words can express, David. Happy one month birthday.
I've been reading many of Paul Graham's essays during my late night feeding sessions. The little one is still waking up every two to three hours so I have plenty of time on my hands. The articles are well-written and strongly opinionated. Besides being a good read, I find them to be extremely inspiring. They make me want to stay up all night coding.
Last time I was this motivated was my first year out of college. Jake was still at CMU and we would chat over zephyr while I worked on my 3-D Graphics class homework. One night we pulled an allnighter while chatting and I made huge progress on the trumpet. Actually, it's the only perfect model I created. It was all because of the allnighter and the push to finish it.
Now that we have a little boy, I wonder if those days of staying up and coding or working on a self project are behind us. I sure hope not because they are so much fun and they remind me of the joys of programming or working on something I love. I don't want that to ever not be a part of my life. Each time I read the articles, I want to learn all there is to learn about Python and I want to write the next great piece of software.
One of my workmates emailed me about her dreams this week. She told me that even though her friends seemed to have given up on saving the world as they got older, she hasn't been able to. She still wants to make a difference and a consequential one. She wrote, "I know you are going to think this is crazy, young, and idealistic, but I still want to save the world..." I don't think it's crazy. It's idealistic but definitely not young. If only young people can be idealistic, I think that makes the world a very sad place once we're past our twenties.
Now that I have a child in this world, I believe I have even more reason to want it to be perfect. While my understanding of perfect and the boundaries of my possible effect in the world might change, my need to make it a better place hasn't and hopefully will never go away. I still want to start a nonprofit. I still think that you can change the world and I still want to be only surrounded by those who believe in the power of change.
I never understood the cynicism that I saw in some of my friends. While I can understand that there can be experiences that lead one to question life and the way things work, I don't understand the advantages of cyncism. What good is it? Does it make the person happier? Does it make the world more livable? Does it mean you've won somehow? I feel like it gives you nothing but negative energy that makes the rest of your life even more bleak and even more depressing.
If one chose to stick by their dreams and maybe alter them to be more realistic, more reachable, in smaller increments, wouldn't that make their life more enjoyable? Wouldn't it give them something to look forward to each day? Teach For America was a pretty depressing experience for me and I suffered a lot but I still think it's a wonderful organization and I am glad it exists. Would I like it to be doing some things differently? Sure. But at least they are there, trying. That's more than many of us.
I hope more people out there are like my work friend and still chasing a version of their dreams. Those are the people who will change the world and make it a better place for all of us.
That was the one common phrase I heard while I was pregnant. To me, that was some of the most frustrating words to hear. No one could tell me exactly what would change, the only guarantee I had was that life after would not be the same as life before.
No shit, Sherlock.
It always surprises me how I assume things don't go on without me. I don't mean that in the vain sense. I mean when I read a blog regularly like a religion and then suddenly stop. For example, because I have no time to keep up with it now that I have a baby, and then I revisit it months later, I get a weird feeling when I see that it's business as usual. Even though I was contributing nothing to the site, I somehow felt like my visiting it regularly was part of what made it exisit. Intellectually, I know this not to be true but somehow I get the weird feeling "Wow, this site is still active and bubbling?" each time I lose touch and come back.
On the upside, this shows that one can take a long break and prioritize other things in their life. But when I come back, the other things are still going on and most of the time, I can jump right back in. In the last eight weeks, I haven't read half the websites I used to visit regularly. I have not kept up with my email or my friends. There are days when I haven't gotten out of my pajamas. I haven't taken non-baby photos except for two days. I haven't read more than two books. I haven't slept a full night. I haven't exercised. I have done the bare minimum for everyone and everything besides my baby.
However, it's comforting to know that when the time comes all of those things will be waiting for me. Right now, I am working on what's most important.
It's quite funny that I wrote about letting go four years ago in reference to having children. Last night, in bed, I was thinking that having David has cured me of quite a few things. It's a case of "when you have no time to worry, you simply don't."
I used to worry about everything. And I mean everything. I have a major issue with letting people down and if I feel like I let someone I care about down, I beat myself up for days and sometimes months. It's not healthy and it doesn't accomplish anything except to make me really sad. But I wasn't able to stop doing it.
Before David, that is.
I've had some major letdowns in the last few months. I lost what I thought was a solid friendship. I realized that sometimes you can't count on the people nearest to you. I understood the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." And I've finally admitted that often times the only one you can count on is yourself. I've also had some amazing surprises and an incredibly healthy and happy baby but those are not what we're talking about for now. Ordinarily, just one of the things that went wrong would be enough for me to beat myself up for months. It would mean I'd mourn for weeks and go over and over the events to find the exact point where it all fell apart and how I should have done it all differently.
Before David, that is.
Now, I sleep the three hours a night that I can manage, I eat, I work and I play with my amazing son. I have somehow managed to move on and let go. If the people in my life aren't there for me and aren't willing to work with me, I guess we're not meant to be in each other's lives. Friendship takes a lot of time and commitment. It takes perseverance and being humble. So does family. If those traits are non-existent in a relationship, maybe there's no relationship worth hanging on to.
It's funny that I thought I shouldn't have children until I've learned to let go. If only I knew having children was the thing that would teach me to let go.
This month's obsession is sleep. I am sure I will write more about it as the obsession gets deeper and deeper, but tonight I want to specifically talk about middle-of-the-night feedings. At eleven weeks, my little one is still waking up several times for night feedings. The quantity generally depends on the quality and the amount of time I invest in burping him. For those people who said that breastfed babies don't need to burp at night: You don't know shit!
The middle of the night feedings are supposed to be quiet. The point is to quickly go to the aide of your little one, quietly feed him without rousing him too much, burp him, and put him back to sleep. You're not to even change him unless he's pooped. This way, he doesn't fully awaken and thus it's easier for him to fall back asleep. Makes sense, right?
I am pretty good at getting to him before he cries himself awake. At the first sound of hunger, thanks to my ultra-sensitive monitor, I rush to his side and make sure his eyes are open signaling actual hunger and not sleep talking. I pick him up and put him on the feeding pillow and we rock back and forth while I feed. It's perfectly quiet for the first ten minutes. And then....
ACHOOOO!
My sneeze pierces through the night, making both me and my peacful baby jump. His eyes are wide open now and he doesn't know what just happened.
ACHOOO! ACHOOO! ACHOOO!
Just in case he had decided to go back to sleep, my allergies let him know that's out of the question. My sneezes pile on top of each other. Then to add to the punishment, my nose starts dripping. So actively that I have to actually blow it disabling all of David's attempts to find that sleepy place. We're talking fifteen nose-blows before the faucet of a nose I have will quit. Actually it doens't even quit, it merely takes a break until I am leaning over to put David back in his crib. Then it decides to drip once more.
Now I have a conundrum. Do put him down more quickly to rush for a tissue and risk awaking him or do I let my nose drip on him? I won't tell you which option I choose, but I will tell you it's a nightly dilemma.
As David goes back to dreaming, I make my way into the bedroom, and just as I lay in bed it comes once more.
ACHOOO!
It will not quit until all members of my small family are awake and unrested.
Ps: I had intended not to write about my son or montherhood to not turn this log into one of those. I wanted it to be more than that as well as that. However, my life is little besides David and work and sleep right now so since it's a major part of my life, I decided to write about it. This way, I ill hopefully get back in the habit of updating regularly and eventually start writing about more varied topics. If you don't like reading about motherhood issues, visit me weekly and hopefully there will be at least one entry that's not about David.
The upside to baby sleeping through the nite: more sleep for mommy, less cranky baby, more sleep for daddy, less crankiness all around. Happy baby makes happy family. Well-slept household makes everyone happy.
Except my boobs.
Twice this week, David graced us with sleeping more than five hours consecutively at night. I have an overactive letdown, which means milk sprays out of my breasts too fast with too much power. Imagine feeding yourself with a garden hose on high. No matter how much you like what the hose is spurting into your mouth, you probably won't like it when it's being delivered this way. One of the ways I work around this is to feed David on one side at a time.
Last night, David ate a bit on both sides at 6:30 before he went to bed, his next feeding was at 1:40am, seven hours later. At that time, I fed him on the left side for a long time and we both went back to bed. My right side was already full and hard but I didn't want to upset him and his sleep is currently more important than my pain, so I went back to bed. He stirred at 4 but didn't actually wake to eat until 5:10am. By this point my right breast was in severe pain. A rock is softer. I got up and stood in front of his crib as David thrashed around. Sadly, I kept hoping he would open his eyes so I could pick him up and feed him. And the second he did, I swept him up and put him on my right breast. Within minutes relief was mine.
So now I have a dilemma. I am wondering whether I am willing him awake because my boob is big, hard, and leaking. Should I let him thrash around? Is it possible that if I didn't interfere he's actually sleep until the morning and I am hindering this progress in an effort to relieve my throbbing boob?
I know it will all adjust in time but until then my boobs are protesting the sleep-through-the-night plan.
A year ago this time, I wasn't pregnant. Or at least I didn't know it.
A year ago this time, I quit drinking diet coke and started going to yoga more regularly.
A year ago this time, I was trying to have a baby.
David was conceived sometime in the month of May. Last year, this time, he was just a concept and now he's a three-month old boy who has big blue eyes.
It seems like such little time has passed since he's been born and at the same time I can't imagine life without him. Having a baby has been a trying experience in so many ways. In the last week, he hasn't slept longer than a three-hour stretch day or night and he seems to only be able to take a nap that last longer than twenty minutes if he's in the car or attached to my breast. He eats in small bits and likes to bit or wiggle around. Two nights ago, he pooped twice in the middle of the night and three times in a row at six in the morning. He pooped right as I was changing him, all over my hand. Last night, he peed himself three times and I had to change him three times, which meant he woke up completely and it took me an hour to wind him down back to sleep. I haven't been able to do anything that takes more than thirty minutes in the last three months. I have washed my pajamas and daily clothes at least thirty times to clean the spit ups. I can't even count the number of laundry loads we washed of David's clothes. I have books I want to read. Projects I want to complete. I want to update my site more. I want to take photos. I want to keep better track of David's first months. But none of that is happenning. All I do is feed and play with David and try to put him to sleep.
The same three months have brought the biggest joys of my life. I know it's cliche but he really did change my life and he really is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. I don't mean that the rest of my life doesn't matter and I don't think I would like to give up who I am. But each time I look into David's smiling face and his shiny eyes, I can't believe he came out of me. Jake and I made this little man. This little, happy man. And no other accomplishment in our lives will ever compare to that.
There's an episode of Desperate Housewives (yes, I watch that show but I watch everything on TV so it doesn't mean anything) where one of the moms finally comes face to face with the ADD medication she's been taking to keep up with her sons and she has a nervous breakdown. She's sitting in the middle of this soccer field when her friends find her. As she shares with them how horrible she feels about the kind of mom she is, they each tell her their storeis of the hard times they endured with their children and the mistakes they made. She then asks her friends why they never told her this stuff before and they tell her that no one likes to look like they aren't on top of things. The woman then tells her friends that they need to share those moments, that's what friendship is about.
I need some of that lately. I am tired of everyone around me being so fucking perfect. Their kids are wonderful. They take all their naps on time and nice and long. They sleep through the night. They eat the perfect ten to fifteen minutes on each side and latch off when done. They burp on cue. They roll over, stand up, sit up, reach out, grab or whatever else they're supposed to do by that developmental age.
Either everyone's baby is perfect or they're fucking lying.
I don't understand the value of keeping your struggles to yourself. It makes it such that we suffer alone and make everyone else look and feel like they are the only failures in the world. What's so fucking wrong with the truth? I'll go first:
My son's been on some sort of strike lately. He whines more often than he ever did. He really struggles to take naps and several times a week, we get in the car and drive around just so he can get some sleep during the day. He's been eating so much lately that I feel like both my breasts are empty all the time. Last night, I finally took him to bed with me because he's been waking up every 90minutes for the last week and I couldn't take it anymore. In our bed, he slept a solid five hours before waking up for a meal. He doesn't roll over yet (though he did once but I think it was probably an accident). He reaches out sometimes but won't grab stuff unless we put it in his hands. There are times in the day when I'd be willing to pay him a thousand dollars for him to sleep for one hour so that he can be better rested. Lately, almost daily I question my ability to do right by him. If I can't get him to sleep, what hope do I have of doing anything else?
I don't want to hear advice. I am capable of spinning all this another way. I can tell you he smiles all the time and his smiles are wide and all consuming. I can tell you he's in the 50th percentile of all his numbers. I can tell you he's been gaining weight consistently and well. I can tell you he's been perfectly healthy since the day he was born. I can tell you he's the most beautiful baby in the world. All of that would be 100% true.
But so is the other part. And I don't see why it's important to hide it. I feel like if I shared my struggles, it might help another mom who's also struggling. I remember when I was pregnant and hurt so much, I hated the fact that others didn't tell me how difficult it could be. That lasted only nine months. This is much longer. This is too long to be acting. Is it really that important to look good? What's the point of friends if not to share the rough times and to make others feel less lonely in their misery?
I recently finished reading Opening Skinner's Box. It was one of the most enjoyable and thought-provoking reads I've had in a while (not that that says much since it's been a while since I've read but I am restarting, even if ten pages a night). There's been a lot of controversy over this book. There are articles on whether the author made stuff up or misquoted some of the psychiatrists she spoke with. Regardless, it's an interesting read and I would recommend it.
The book talks about ten experiments the author claims are the greatest experiments of the twentieth century. One of these experiments is about psychiatric wards. I will summarize very quickly and apologize if this is not clear. A researcher got eight of his friends to go to prestigious and public psychiatric clinics and they were to say that they heard a voice that said "thud" and see if they would be admitted. All other details they gave were to be 100% accurate and once inside, they were to act completely normal. All the patients were admitted and spent from 9 to 53 days at the wards. This was to prove that psychiatrists don't recognize sane people.
This experiment caused a lot controversy and pissed many people off. One pyschiatrist claimed that such an experiment would never work today. So the author decided to try it out. Just like the original nine, she didn't shower or brush her teeth for a week and then went in and said she heard a "thud." Partly due to the experiment I explained above patients are never admitted anymore unless they are a danger to others or to themselves. As such, the author was not admitted anywhere but she was diagnosed in all places as a schizophrenic or some other equally serious disease and she was prescribed over 50 pills in total. All this after a ten to fifteen minute diagnostic solely based on her hearing "thud."
Reading that gave me the chills. For some reason, right around the pregnancy I became very anti-medication. I am not saying there aren't legitimate times that call for pills that are tremendously helpful and necessary. But I find that in our society, today, we over-medicate. Most of the medications have strong side effects that then reequire other medication. Fact is, medicine rarely works long term. Your immune system adjusts and you need to up the dosage or change pills. All you're doing is intrdocuing a lot of foregin, not well tested stuff into your body for short term relief (not that it isn't really needed at times). This coming from someone who took Vioxx for almost two years. So I wasn't always such a pill-hater. But now I am. And reading the author's experience only made me more sure that doctors are too quick to try to solve stuff with pills, especially if they don't really know what's wrong with you.
When David was six weeks old I thought I might have thrush and called my pediatrician. The nurse was going to write me a 21-day prescription over the phone. Without even seeing me and making sure I did have thrush. I told her that I wanted to see someone and be sure. She gave me an appointment and lo and behold it turned out not to be thrush. If I weren't so adamant, I would have been taking unnecessary medicine (not to mention giving it to David through my milk) for three weeks.
How scary is that?
ps: For those of you who've been following the no-sleep saga, things have improved slightly. David now wakes up three times a night, around every three to four hours. I would be okay with twice a night and am praying that it's coming soon. Some of my sanity is already coming back and I am really glad. Thanks for listening and being there.
Friendship is such hard work. I've been thinking a lot about the friends I've made in my life. I guess more than the ones, I'm thinking about the ones I've lost. I try to invest a lot of time, effort, and emotion into my friendships and so when they disappear, a piece of my heart walks away with them.
I've notices three different trends in ways that my friendships disappear. The first is the most obvious one of busy lives. I'm busy, he's busy. We work in big companies, we work too many hours. We mean to call. We mean to write. When we get together, it's tons of fun. It's just that we never do get together. We don't write. We don't call. One's traveling, the other is at work late. Fact is, we're never as busy as we think we are. There's always time for a good friend and for good coversation. It's good for the soul. A good friend and I had found a solution to this when I lived in NYC. We'd set up a regular date for Thursdays after work. The two of them and the two of us had a regular date at a bar in SoHo. We always showed up and spent anywhere from one hour to five hours at the bar chatting. Somehow, because it was regular, we never ditched it. There was never the worry of scheduling, it was ongoing. I wish I could do this with all my friends. Maybe a regular phone date. Or email, even. Good friends never really disappear and even ten years later we can catch up but there is that little bit that vanishes and once daily life isn't shared, we do have a bit of distance between us that never closes.
The second is a bit more painful. It's the case similar to the one above but one party is obviously making a bigger effort than the other. This is painful when I'm the one making the effort and it's painful when the other party is. If I am making the effort and calling and writing with no response, I feel hurt and rejected. If the other party is doing it, I feel guilty and frustrated. There's something obviosly out of balance here. Sometimes, it balances out randomly when the other person changes their mind but it's rare. What generally happens is that resentment builds and the friendship whiters away to nothing.
The last one is my least favorite one. It's the one where something happens. Big or small. Something that makes you question the friendship. Something that leaves you with sour taste in your mouth. It might be a bickering that should have never gotten out of hand or a true betrayal that hurts deep down. Either way, there's no going back. You can try to apologize, forgive and go back but things will never be the same again. That thing is now there. It's like a thorn that is too deep in your flesh. This only happens with really good friends because those are the only ones you give a shit about enough to have this pain. And it hurts like hell.
There are days when I feel it's easier to just be with my family and books. There's much less potential for pain there. But then a friend calls and I remember why it's important to have him or her in my life.
I've decided that my favorite thing to do in my spare time is to read. This is after spending time with my family, of course. Of the things I love doing like writing, taking photos, surfing the net, knitting, etc, reading is by far my favorite thing to do.
There have been tims that I took a break from reading agressively. The most notable being during college. The first two years of college, I didn't read much during the school year. When David was born, I stopped reading for a while. I wasn't getting any sleep and I had a hard enough time juggling him and work that reading was out of the question. A few weeks ago, I randomly started reading again. I am not exactly sure how it happened but it opened some sort of flood gate. I've read 8 books in the last three weeks. I started with the fascinating Opening Skinner's Box and the always wonderful Elizabeth Berg's new Year of Pleasures. I moved on to Freakonomics and Hornby's columns from the Believer and Wisdom of Crowds and Anne Lamott's Plan B and Alice Munro's Runaway. I am now reading Ian McEwan's Saturday and enjoying it immensely, especially considering there's very little happening in the story.
It's almost as if I'd forgotten how amazingly rewarding reading is for me. It's like food for my soul. I don't even know why I feel that way but each time I put a book down, I can't wait to get back to it. My favorite time of the day is the one hour after David goes to sleep where I crawl into bed and read. Okay, my favorite time actually is the mornings when David wakes up because he's so ubelievably happy but right after that is the reading hour.
To add to my joy, some of my favorite authors are coming out with new novels this summer: John Irving, Nick Hornby and Melissa Banks. Thinking about those books makes me giddy!
I don't know what prompted my return to reading, but I am so glad for the distraction. As David's growing old enough to voice his boredom loudly and he's still waking up anywhere from three to seven times a night, it's the books that seem to keep me sane lately.
It's amazing to think that David's been a part of our family for four whole minths. Actually thirteen months if we count the time he spent in my belly. Part of me can't believe it's been that long and part of me doesn't remember a time David wasn't with us.
The changes from month three to month four have been exponential. In the last month, David's found his hand, his feet, and his voice. He now drools like nobody's business and he sticks everything in his mouth, including his toes. He has found a way to make a ton of different, funny sounds, some sharp and high-pitched and others gutteral and trembling. He can go between laughing and crying in less than thirty seconds. Sometimes he jumps back and forth between the two so much that you can't tell if he's mad, sad, or just playing.
His smiles have gotten wider and he can definitely recognize mom and dad now. His face lights up when we look at him, regardless of upset he might have been. He gives us kisses (or tries to bite our cheeks depending on your perspective) and his little hands are soft like cotton. He has learned to grab things and hold on to them, including my hair.
His favorite thing is to bounce up and down and when his daddy holds him up high. He has grown over 4 inches since he's been born and more than doubled his weight. He is cute beyond words and can drive us insane beyond words, too. He has learned how to get a constant whine going. He has learned to get bored and begun seeking more attention. All in the last four weeks. It looks like he's going to take after his mommy and be a big talker. He's practicing now. Along with the loud and stinky farts.
Having a baby is challenging. It's time consuming, it's humbling, it's frustrating. And it's incredibly rewarding.
And will be more so when he sleeps...
I love you David, happy four months. To four thousand more.
I came to the United States in August of 1992. I had just graduated high school in Istanbul and flew across the Atlantic Ocean to attend Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, PA. Even back then I knew that I intended to stay here and was determined to do all that was necessary for me to achieve the goal of making the US my permanent home as quickly as possible.
My senior year, I turned down offers from companies that wouldn't guarantee a green card application, namely JP Morgan and went with one that promised to apply exactly one year after my start date, namely Goldman Sachs. Exactly one year after my beginning date, I made a phone call from London where I was for a project and asked them to start the proceedings. Thanks to a great law firm, I got my green card relatively quickly, in two years, with the Extraordinary Ability clause. Exactly three months short of five years later, I applied for my citizenship. That was December of 2004. Today, I took my oath and walked away with my naturalization papers.
I am officially a citizen of the United States of America.
There were over 1,000 others swearing in with me today. We were told to arrive at 8:30 but the ceremony didn't begin until 10. It commenced with a group of local junior high school students performing a medley of Footloose songs. The relevance still baffles me. We then waited while they gave some awards to some officials and sang the Star Spangled Banner. Someone made the motion for all of us to become citizens and a judge accepted it after we took the oath of allegience. The judge's parents were naturalized citizens themselves so he was very moved to be there and cried a bit as he talked about how great America is and what a special day it was for us and how honored he felt to be there. There was another moving speech and then the judge read the names of all 94 countries that had citizens being naturalized today and asked us to get up as our country's name was called. Being in San Diego, he left out Mexico and at the end the crowd yelled, so he said, "What there are people from Mexico here?" and half the room got up and cheered. It was quite funny and specific to our location, I imagine. If I weren't so worried about David going without food for so long, I might have enjoyed the proceedings more. As it were, I wanted to get my certificate and be done with this long ordeal.
I know there are many cynical and bitter people out there and not everyone agrees with me. But, to me, becoming American was a lifelong goal and one I am incredibly proud to have accomplished. This country has given me everything I've ever wanted. It allowed be to find myself and gave me the space to grow into what I wanted to be. If I hadn't come here, I am not sure I would have done half the things I've done in my life and I am so glad to live here every single day. I am proud to be a citizen. I am delighted that I will get to vote. Not to mention how much easier it will be to travel now!
So my little one is still not sleeping. I've read a zillion books on getting your baby to sleep and most of them claim that if he gets his naps in, he sleeps better at night. Ahem. Not. True. There are days David naps perfectly and he still wakes up every two hours. There are days he doesn't nap much at all and he sleeps three hours or more so I'm going to say all those books are...crap!
On the good side, he's healthy and happy as a clam. He smiles these wide, beautiful smiles that engulf you. When he's facing my cheek, he opens his mouth wide and gives me a bite/kiss. His lips are so soft. His tiny hands rest on my chest while he eats and he holds on so tight when I'm carrying him around. He's actually laughing at me several times a day now.
My friend Roni asked me how my life changed since I had David the other day. (I think that's what you asked, right Roni?) Just as I was trying to figure out what to say, David decided he was hungry and I attempted to nurse him in public and when that was a disaster, I had to go home so I never answered her question.
I was telling a friend that it's impossible to prepare for a baby. You think that nine months would be enough to expect the changes a baby will bring to your life, but it's nothing. And I mean NOTHING compared to how much your life really changes once the baby comes. There's no preparation. One day you're two adults who love each other and like to spend time together, the next day you're a family. A little baby that is constantly there, a baby not capable of eating, sleeping or changing himself. A wonderful and scary thing that will NEVER leave. Well, he will, assuming he goes to college. But it will be a long time before he does. And until then he is my responsiblity.
And it's scary. It's hard. It's challenging. It's tiring. I look at him and I wonder when I grew up to be old enough to have a baby. When did I become an adult? Am I screwing this boy up? What if I do? This little, beautiful boy who wouldn't be here if it weren't for me. I owe it to him to make sure his life is full of wonderful moments. Full of joy. Full of love. Compassion and kindness. Curiosity. Hugs. Love. There can never be enough love.
All the parents in my group ask where I get the energy to get through the days since I am not getting any sleep and haven't had a full night of sleep for thirteen months. Fact is, I wake up and I see David each time. I created this little man, and if he takes years to sleep through the night, then I will wake up for years. It's only the beginning of the things I can give him. Hugs in the middle of the night.
After all, it won't be long before he won't let me hug him and I cherish these moments.
So having a baby has changed my life indescribably. It's changed it permanently. And I am thankful for it each and every day!
I'm not sure why I haven't been writing. Honestly, it's mosly cause I haven't been in the mood. I'll try to do better in July. One of the things I love most about my blog is that I get to go back and read about the past. If I don't update often, I don't have that luxury, so I will try harder. I figured before the month is up, I should do some updates.
David's still not sleeping. His dad is being extremely gracious and helping me out incredibly by holding and consoling him throughout the night except the two times he eats which is when I get up. Since I haven't slept in so long, my sleeping patterns are all messed up and between that and my aching boobs, I still don't get too much sleep but it's considerably better since my amazing husband has stepped in to help. As for David we're still hoping he'll "grow out of it." especially since there appears to be nothing wrong with him physically and he's the happiest baby ever. Laughing and smiling like a crazy person. If you don't believe me, you can watch this video of us playing. Then you'll know how awesome he is.
The reading craze is still continuing. I am now reading Specimen Days from the author of The Hours. This book is not nearly as good as the Hours, especially since it's a bit like horror and that's definitely not my genre. But Cunnigham's writing still quite beautiful. Next in line are Hornby and Melissa Bank. I am so excited to be reading again. David and I have started a routine of walking to the mall for lunch so he gets his afternoon nap while mom eats her lunch and reads. It's the most serene hour of my day.
My little boy must be teething because he's drooling like a faucet and has this unquenchable need to suck and bite stuff. The other night he sucked on my chin so hard that he gave me my very first hickey. We had a breakfast date with a friend of Jake's the next morning and I was very embarrased to wake up to a big black and blue bruise. I wasn't sure how to explain it. Who knew I'd get my first hickey from my son?
As I mentioned months ago, I am making a scrapbook for David's first year. It has one page for each week. He just finished week twenty, and I just finished week 17 so I am not that behind. When I am not with him, sleeping, eating, working or reading, I am putting the book together. I want to have a great record of his first year. If anyone out there is a big scrapbook person and has some good ideas, feel free to send them my way. If you want to see my layouts so far, shoot me an email. I will eventually put them all up but I haven't gotten all that organized just yet.
Other than the lack of sleep, life's quite wonderful here in Karenika-land. I wish I had a bit more time to read/write and work on the scrapbook. But life is always too short when you're having fun, isn't it?
David turned five months old yesterday. I know it's pathetic that I haven't updated in nine days after saying I wanted to update more often but we've had a long and difficult week. Mostly cause mom has lost her mind.
Last Saturday, I was online surfing about sleeping issues and came across the Baby Whisperer book. Something rang true so I went out and bought it right away. And proceeded to implement it. For those of you who are unfamilair with it, it goes something like this: You put the baby on an EASY schedule. He eats, plays (Activity) and then sleeps so you get some You time. (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You). You feed the baby every 3 hours. (or four if he's over four months old). Anyhow the idea is to teach the baby to self-soothe. What you do is you put him in the crib and then if he cries, you pick him up and when he calms you put him down. You do this as long as it takes.
Our first night went badly. He was up from 1-3 and then from 5-7. The book said the first night would be hard so I persevered. The second night was perfect. He slept all the way from 8 to 5am. I dream-fed him and he never woke up. I felt great! I was sure it was working. I had finally found something that worked.
Riiiiiighhhtttt.
Come day four, David won't go to bed without crying in my arms or in his crib with me wrapped all over him. He wakes up four times a night. Sometimes for an hour, crying. At least for an hour. Today, day six, he was so bad that he would start stiffening and wailing as soon as we entered the bedroom. While Jake was putting him down and picking him up, he explained to me that this was no different from crying it out. I yelled at him and got mad but eventually admitted that he was right. As soon as I admitted it, I completely relaxed. I'd been stressing all week from hearing him cry and feeling like shit about it. Now I didn't have to any more.
I took my son out for a walk and then at bedtime, I sat with him for thirty minutes while rubbed his belly, his head, his tummy and whatever else he needed to sleep. He fell asleep peacefully and has now been sleeping for 1.5hrs without a stir. I will NEVER do that to my kid again. If he wakes up seventeen times a night until he's a teenager so be it. That's what it means to have a kid, right? What's the point in having them if I am going to complain that he's inconvenient.
I feel much better now and I am a lot more relaxed. I love my son and I am so so lucky that he's the smiliest and easiest boy in the world. Any other kid would have hated me for what I put him through in the last week. But my amazing son continued to smile at me and laugh when I kissed him.
Happy Five Months, David, I love you with all my heart.
It's been almost two months since my last entry. I've had this site on and off for five years. I wasn't sure if I was going to miss writing this time. There are times when writing here is fun and times when it feels more like a chore. In the months preceding the closing, it had become more like the latter. Each night that I went to bed without updating, I'd feel like I let someone down. Fact is, I have few readers, but I still felt like shit. Which is why I stopped.
I wasn't sure if I was going to miss any of it. I haven't been taking photos (except of David) and I have just begun sleeping again and my days are filled with David, work, a new small business, reading, and, of course, Jake. I figured my life was full enough.
But I did miss it.
From the day I turned ten to Freshman year in college, I kept a diary every single night. Many people asked me how I found something to write each night. I just did. I liked writing every day. It was my thing. That's sort of how I feel about this place. I want to make sure it never goes away. Since college, I've attempted to keep diaries many times and it just never worked. When David was born, I promised myself (as I did when I found out I was pregnant) that I would keep a written record. I have managed to take photos every day he's been alive (except day three) but I have three failed attempts at writing. Whatever little I've written here is the most I've written anywhere.
So I am going to keep writing. I can't promise it will be consistently, but I am going to try hard. I won't post photos when I don't have them but I also won't let that stop me from posting. I will try to write a tidbit about David each day, more for me than you, I'm putting it in a different section so if you don't want to read it, feel free to skip it. Sometimes the David section might be longer than the main section, but not usually. Once I start taking regular photos again, I will post those too. At least that's the plan. And we know what happens to best laid plans.
So there we are. This is the closest thing I got to my childhood diaries. And I miss writing down my ideas. I miss talking about my random thoughts. I miss sharing my emotions. I miss recording my life. The everydayness of my life.
But, mostly, I missed the bitching. So expect some whiny posts coming soon.
Two weeks ago a friend and I were talking on the phone. Out of the blue, the conversation turned ugly and he started asking me weird questions and getting increasingly angry/demanding. I had no idea where this was coming from and tried to take it with a grain of salt and even apologized for actions that weren't wrong. I tried to soothe him but it was no go. He didn't realize how upset he was and wouldn't admit to being angry. After a while more of unloading on me, he hung up.
A few days later, he called me back and chatted away like nothing happened. At first I was taken aback and wondered whether I imagined the whole thing. I considered bringing it up myself but I didn't want to rehash any of the issues so I left it alone and decided to wait. He and I talk several times a day so I figured it would eventually come up.
Here we are two weeks and at least ten conversations later and the issue never ever came up again. None of: "I'm sorry , I don't know what came over me." or "I must have been losing my mind." or "Other stuff was making me upset, I am sorry I took it out on you." I would have apologized but honestly, I hadn't said a word and this wasn't an argument as much as it was his unloading on me. So I went from flabbergasted to fuming.
I can totally understand that we all have bad days and times when we're overly stressed. I can alos understand that we often take it out from those closest to us. But there's no excuse for not acknowledging such an occurence. I was quite hurt, sad, and worried after that exchange and his not acknowledging it makes me feel like all the actions were justified. Even if he'd called me and continued to yell at me, I would have prefered that over lets-act-like-nothing-happened. WTF?
People and actions like that irk me. We all fuck up at times but let's be a man (to use a really stereotypical phrase) about it. There's nothing wrong with calling a good friend and apologizing. There's a lot to be respected in humility and candor. And there's no fucking thing to be proud of in feeling like if we don't ever bring it up, it will be like it never happened. It did happen. Even if you want to act otherwise.
I am not waiting for an apology or even an explanation. I am happy to and already have forgiven him. I just want him to acknowledge it so I don't feel like my feelings aren't worthless to him. Mayne it's asking for too much but I cannot stand acting. I like things out in the open. I like honesty. I like candid. Bring it on. If you put it out there, we may be able to resolve it. If you don't, we never will.
I have been a John Irving fan from the first book I read. I can't even remember who told me about A Prayer for Owen Meany but I do remember that people stopped me to praise the book when I was reading it. I had the library hardcover and people of all ages commented on it. Old women, teenagers. It was their favorite book.
And they were right. If you haven't read A Prayer For Owen Meany make sure to do so. It's fantastic. I went on a total Irving kick after that. I read The World According to Garp, Hotel New Hampshire, The Water-Method Man, Cider House Rules, Setting Free the Bears, The 158-Pound Marriage, A Widow for One Year, and all the others I could get my hands on. I read The Fourth Hand as soon as it came out (though that one wasn't my favorite). I've read them all, except for Son of the Circus. There's something about Irving's writing that I adore. It might be that he emulates Dickens and Davies, who are two of my favorite authors. It might be that I feel for his twisted, tragic characters and his endless plots.
I started his latest novel almost two weeks ago. A novel never takes me this long to read. Not even an 800-page one. For some reason, I took my time with this one. I even read another novel in between and listened to three others. But I kept coming back to it. I wasn't giving up on Irving. I knew I was going to fall into the story at some point.
Two nights ago, I did.
It took my two weeks to read 450 pages and two days to read the next 250. I have about 80 pages left and I am not sleeping until I finish this story. It's at the point where the entire novel turned on itself and I cannot wait to see the ending and find out what happens to Jack Burns. I now think about it constantly. I feel like I know the characters in real life. To me, only the best books can accomplish that. It's an especially amazing feat for Irving whose characters are people I'd be completely unlikely to know in this life or in any other. I still do. I feel like I know them. I feel like they are living, breathing people.
While a part of me is dying to finish the story finally, another part of me will be so disappointed when it's over. When these people won't be there to greet me each night.
If you've never read Irving, make sure to pick up a book of his. Start with Owen Meany or, if you haven't seen the movie, Cider House Rules. They are simply fantastic. Storytelling at its best.
It seems there are those who make a big deal of their birthday and those who prefer to completely ignore it. I have always belonged to the former category. I come from a family which makes big deals out of birthdays and I subscribe to the idea. It's not really because birthdays themselves are all that special. To me, it's just an excuse to stop and appreciate that person.
Sure we should treat each other like we're special every day, but fact is life gets in the way. Most days are ordinary and we do our thing and try to treat others with kindness (unless we're grouchy) but the day passes on and we sit in front of our computers, read our books, watch TV and do all the other things we do to spend time. I don't know many people who regularly take the time to acknowledge the people in their lives. Most people don't even work too hard to keep up with their friends. So that's the point of birthdays, for me.
It's an excuse to remind someone how much they mean to you. A reason to stop and think of them and dedicate a few or a lot of your time that particular day to them. So even if all the other days come and go, you know that on that day you'll feel special and talk to all the people you love and take a moment.
For those of you who whine about getting older, I'd hate to break the news to you but you get older every single day. Nothing magical happens on the eve of your birthday to make you older. So stop being whiny on the morning of your birthday about that. Life isn't about your age, it's about how you've used your days. There are people who live empty lives for 80 years and those who live full ones for only 30. Which would you rather have?
This year was particularly peaceful for me. I woke up feeling exceptionally happy for no reason. David woke up to eat at 3am but then went back down until 6:30. I worked, I prepared for my shoot on Tuesday, I cooked and pureed David's food. We played and talked and my family called and my friends called and my friends emailed and it was wonderful. Jake bought me presents. We went to eat an early dinner with good food and delicious dessert. It was very ordinary and very magical all in one. I realized on Monday that I am truly happy. I cannot remember feeling this peaceful in years. If ever.
It really was a perfect birthday and thank you for all the good wishes. 31 is looking fantastic so far.
I know it's lame to stop writing a few days after "I'm back" from a break. But it seems things conspired to get in the way. First, my in-laws came to visit for the first time in seven months. This meant we were out all day and not on the computer when we were home. It also meant that Jake and I went on our first dates since David was born. It was weird being out alone. It felt like we were sneaking. I did miss David a lot even though we were only gone for about 2 hours and it was while David was sleeping. I just kept thinking of him and his smile and his breathing.
The night after my in-laws left, David began his weird waking-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night thing which is still going on. But just to add more fun to the adventure, I threw out my back for the first time since we came to San Diego. The whole time I was pregnant, I was worried about my back suddenly starting to hurt again. I was worried I wouldn't be able to hold David as a baby and burp him. I was worried I'd be stuck in bed while everyone else held him and hugged him. Well none of that happened. I was perfectly, completely, totally fine. No real back-ache to speak of.
A week ago, something felt funny as I bent down and since then I haven't been able to stand up without excruciating pain. Last time this happened, I was on Vioxx for almost two years and I did a lot of physical therapy and acupuncture for it to get better. Well, now Vioxx is off the market, I am nursing and I can't take any medication. Except for Tylanol which I only let myself take twice a day since I don't want to medicate David. Without the medicine to take off the edge of the pain, life's been a ton of fun. Hence sitting at the computer hasn't been one of my favorite activities lately.
Hence the no updates. Forgive me yet?
I am hoping that my stupid back will miraculously heal itself since I am determined not to take any pills and have a long long way to go before I am ready to stop nursing (think months in teens not in single digits) so cross your fingers for me and hope that the pain goes away as mysteriously and quickly as it came.
The good side of the pain has been that I've been in bed more and thus reading more. And my mother in law bought me six new books for my past birthday. I just finished _Running with Scissors_ which, while nothing compared to _A Million Little Pieces_, was still a very engrossing read. I am now reading the new Paolo Coelho book. He's always an interesting and worthwhile read for me. As always, open for any and all recommendations.
"Blessed are those who are not afraid to admit that they don't know something." - The Zahir by Paolo Coelho
One of my biggest pet-peeves is when people don't admit if they don't know something. I had a friend like that. There were times when it was obvious he wasn't following me and yet he'd simply nod and act like he was completely following me.
I find this to be true for both men and women, but for different reasons. Men are too macho and it's not "macho" to admit that you may not know something. Women are too scared to look stupid, expecially when they talk to someone who isn't. It drives me absolutely bonkers in both cases. Fact is, won't you stay stupid if you never admit you don't know something and thus never ask and never learn?
Somehow I misses the memo that said it was embarrassing to ask questions. I ask shit all the time to everyone. First of all, I find people like talking about stuff they know. Secondly, they love when they have the opportunity to teach you something. It makes them look good. So there's an opportunity for you to learn something AND to make the other person feel good.
Why, exactly, would you pass that up?
Also, why does not knowing something make you look stupid? None of us know everything and we could all learn from each other if only we weren't afraid to ask.
So, next time you have the opportunity to learn from someone. Seize it.
I have noticed over the years that whenever I'm in a repeating group setup (like committee meetings, mom's groups, class, etc.) there are one or two people who immediately stick out to me. These few people give me the vibe that they dislike me. Right away, I feel uneasy around them and go home wondering why they dislike me so much.
Over the years, I've often felt self-conscious and sad that people don't like me. I've also noticed a pattern I go through when dealing with them. I first try to be really nice ("suck up") and see if I can change whatever it is that's making them unhappy with me. After a few weeks of this, somewhere along the line, I decide I don't like them either. My dislike then grows stronger and stronger until I can't stand the person any longer.
Doesn't that sound fucked up to you? It does to me.
On Sunday, while reading Paolo Coelho's new novel, I realized something. My current theory is that I'm projecting. When I meet these people for the first time, there's something about me that I dislike that I see in them. Something about them reminds me of myself and I pick up on it without knowing it.
All those weeks I spend sucking up to them, I am really looking for reasons to blame them for not living up to my expectations of liking me. And then the whole thing, as expected, falls apart and now I hate them. When all along I set the whole thing up without realizing it. I don't know if this is true but it's my current theory. So next time I get this feeling, I am going to work hard to pinpoint where it's coming from.
Or it could just be that they really don't like me and I am not projecting or being paranoid.
If I were superstitious, I'd say I must shut down my site. Since I began rewriting, I threw out my back, I got swamped with work, David got a stuffy nose, I got a sinus infection, I got a fever, David lost his voice, and David got an ear infection. All in a month's work.
One of the reasons, among many many, that I wanted to nurse is because it's known that babies who are nursed get sick less often. David made it to eight months without any sickness at all. And then he got a stuffy nose. Everyone told me it was teeth. Well, two weeks passed, and still stuffy nose, still drooling, but no teeth. Then he woke up with no voice. When he cried, all we could hear were tiny squeals. That was so sad, but not even nearly as sad as the small, tiny laughs that came out without a sound.
We went to the doctor a week into the stuffy nose but there was nothing else wrong. So, after a week, when he lost his voice, I wanted to take him back to the doctor and Jake thought I was insane. But I dragged him anyway. Which is when I found out David had an ear infection. And the doctor said it wouldn't have gone away on its own and I was wise to bring him in now while it's still mild. Yey for maternal instinct.
Being sick and having a sick baby means everything else goes to shits. Nothing gets done. Mommy feels sorry for herself and she feels sorry for her little boy who's getting sick for the first time. So now that we're both feeling better, I've been trying to play catchup. I have six shoots in the next six weeks. My parents are coming to town next week for three weeks. I just deleted 4893 spam emails from my work account. I have fifty-seven personal emails to respond to and not the kind that take one or two minutes. The kind where you want to take the time and write a long response to and thus you keep putting off. I have to clean up my house and get it ready for my parents' arrival. Not to mention, I might have to move in two months and thus look for a new place to live, pack up all of our crap and move and unpack all the crap. Just thinking about it all makes me want to burst into tears.
So that's my excuse for "coming back" and then disappearing almost right away. How did I do?
I feel like most of the up and downs of my life come out of the dichotomies that I create. I talk myself into one thing and then I feel horrible about it so I do ahead and do the opposite and then feel terrible about that. I would like to be thinner and fit into such clothing but every time I go on a diet, I think about how life is short and why the fuck shouldn't I be able to eat whatever I want. Then I get frustrated and hate life when I can't buy the clothes I want because I ate that stupid piece of chocolate.
I want to be able to book more photo sessions and have a lot of clients but then I get sad that I am so booked that I don't have time to do other things I love like read and relax. I want to sign up David for some of the mom and baby courses so he gets to interact with other children but then each time we go to one of those things, he cries all the way there and all the way home. Sometimes he even acts grouchy there. So then I wonder should I have stayed home with him afterall. I want to sleep more but I feel like I am wasting time. I want my work environment to be more intellectually stimulating sometimes but then I don't want to sacrifice the other parts of my life like time with David. I want to keep writing this site every single day. I think about it constantly. I want to keep up on my email and take the time to keep in touch with my friends. But I don't want to give up any of the other things that take up all my life and time.
I am constantly plagued by thoughts of one of these struggles. The even more frustrating part is that I am never happy with the option I choose because each time, while I execute the one I picked, I am thinking of the other one, the consequences of the one I picked. The pants I won't be able to wear because of the chocolate I am eating, the chocolate I don't get to eat because I want to fit in the pants. The life I don't get to have, the life I long for. It's just that I partly always feel like I am missing out. Like I am cheating a part of me.
Not exactly sure how to get out of the loop. I guess the idea is to pick one and just be content with it. But I honestly don't know how.
I know it's been ages. I've been trying to find ways to make it easier for me to update the site without it beomcing an ordeal that I simply put off. I honestly seem to be running short of time more often than not and I still want to be able to update and keep track of my life because I like having this record. So I am going to try a few different models in the next few weeks and we'll see if any of them stick.
Last two months have been a blur to me. November was family month with my parents here for three weeks and Jake's parents here for Thanksgiving. David spent most of the month not sleeping through the night. And then he started sleeping for 12 hours and then he got sick and the teeth came out and we're back to square three.
Thanks to the holiday season end of November and first three weeks of December were a photography craziness here. I am happy I started this business and I guess I wasn't mentally prepared for its taking off so quickly so all the work wore me down. I can't really complain though since it also meant I got to buy a new camera and a nice flash. An unexpected side benefit. I was telling Jake the other day that I never imagined myself as a business-owner. I always thought I'd work for someone else sotake contracts. I never imagined that within weeks, I'd create and run my own little thing and actually turn a profit. Life's been good to me. Hectic but good.
I've been making an effort not to pass my weird culinary distastes to the little one. And I think I have been succeeding because in the last two weeks David's eaten cauliflower and brussel sprouts, neither of which I will go anywhere near. I work really hard not to make a face while I feed him and try to ignore what I consider to be a putrid smell.
My friend Cagla sent me a Christmas card today. I was joking with Jake that I am holding a Christmas card from a Muslim to a Jew. I added that if I weren't living in America, I would have never even noticed that.
In my experience Christmas is considered a lovely holiday in Turkey. Back when I was dating my former boyfriend and he came home with me during Christmas, my friends couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to go to church to light candles.
Despite the fact that a very tiny percentage of people in Turkey actually celebrate the birth of Christ, we all have Christmas trees. Or New Year's trees as we call them. We have Santa Claus. We buy, wrap and exchange presents. Instead of Christmas Day, we do it on New Year's Day. And either my family was not religious enough, or we were cheated out of the Chanukah tradition of exchanging gifts for multiple nights. For us that was only candles. Nothing more than that.
I am often amazed when I see how bitter non-Christians are about Christmas. I am also amazed that people choose to do stupid things like get mad at a store that uses Happy Holidays over Merry Christmas. If you're really so religious then you should remember that this season is not about shopping at all! You should also remember that Jesus wouldn't have been so spiteful and petty. If you're not so religious and actually do more than just celebrate His birth, then why the fuck do you care what people call it? Just be merry and happy. 'Tis the season to give, not to bicker.
Now back to the non-Christians. I must not be religious enough because the idea of celebrating Christmas doesn't bother me one bit. Maybe a ton of years ago, it was about Christianity and Christ but now it's all about Hallmark, shopping, and carols. Christmas is one big Hallmark card. It's time for family to get together and laugh, bicker and watch as the kids go crazy over the presents they got. Nothing more. If I were a truly religious Christian, I'd be very disappointed at the current state of Christmas and what it now has come to symbolize.
So if you're a Jew or Muslim, why not do it the Turkish way? Get a New Year's tree, fill it with presents that you open on Christmas day. And remember, you get all those amazing Bar-Mitzva gifts that the Christians never do!
All joking aside, I don't want David to grow up bitter and I want to stick to my roots a bit. So we will have a bit of everything. We will have New Year's trees. We will open one present Christmas eve, two presents Christmas day, and the rest on New Year's Day. We will also light the candles on the Menorah. I'm sure he'll find a reason to be bitter with that too. But at least this way it's all inclusive.
I just finished The Year of Magical Thinking and enjoyed it but kept thinking that something was bothering me throughout the book. For some reason I seem to enjoy reading books about grief. Maybe because it feels so human and so raw.
That's exactly what I felt was missing from Didion's book. Despitate the fact that I am sure she must have fallen apart miserably as both her husband and her daughter died so suddenly, I didn't feel any of the raw emotion I expected. The book still had a calm and collected air about it for me. It was wonderful reading and I swallowed it up in a day but I just dind't feel moved like I expected to.
I'm sure it's incredibly difficult to put the raw emotion on paper but I guess I expected better from such a skilled writer.
While I didn't acheive my goal of reading fifty books this year, I have managed to read 46 and, my, what a disappointment they've been. Out of the 46, maybe three are what I would call expectionally good reading. The list contains The Kite Runner, My Friend Leonard, and How We are Hungry.
The Kite Runner was simply an exceptional read. A book I would normally wouldn't have even considered buying. My mother in law told me it was great and bought it for me for my birthday. The same week, I heard about it from six other people ranomly and decided it was a sign. When I finally sat down to read it, I finished it it in two days. I couldn't put it down. The boys' lives had me constantly thinking about the book. While some parts were unrealistically optimistic, the book overall is pretty depressing and eye-opening. However, the best part is how universal the story is and how much one can relate to the grief and regret. The beautifully flowing and engrossing writing doesn't hurt either.
My Friend Leonard was another fantastic book by Daniel Frey who wrote A Million Little Pieces, one of the best reads of 2004. What's amazing about this book is that most of the time, sequals are not interesting. I used to love Chuck Palahniuk but after three of the same , his books started to get old and the style was more annoying than interesting. Not so with Frey. The raw, short, and honest style of this author is fantastic and the story is amazing in the true sense of the word.
And finally Dave Eggers. I've been a fan of Eggers for many many years abut I'll admit that I always thought his fiction wasn't that great. I loved the Staggering Genius but not so much the Velocity. So when the New York Times said this short story collection was good, I was skeptical. But since it is Eggers, I bought the book anyhow. I'm not a short story fan in general. I am not sure exactly why but I can't ever seem to get into them and always feel shortchanged by the end. So imagine my surprise when I loved this book. And I mean, loved it! I really enjoyed each story and found them unique and I couldn't even tell you what it as about these stories that reached out to me but I did love the book.
What's sad is that those are the only three that somehow stand out. There are a bunch (like the shopaholic stuff) that I expected to be stupid. A bunch that were so so like the Didion book and the Coelho one. Ones that I wished would be better like the Hornby one and Melissa Banks and John Irving - each authors I truly cherish and love the work of. A few non-fcition ones that were interesting like the Armstrong books and Graham - of course- and Blink. I did enjoy the Curious Incident... quite a bit actually. And Saturday was much better than I expected. But none were amazing.
And then there are those that I was really saddened by. The amazing Michael Cunningham who wrote The Hours did a sub-par job with Specimen Days. The author of the wonderful The Secret Life of Bees did a terrible job with The Mermaid Chair. Both of which made me want to cry.
In this year when so many of my favorite authors came out with new books (Irving, Hornby, Banks, Cunningham, Coelho, Gladwell, Eggers, Frey) it's terribly sad that only three books really stood out. What books have you read in 2005 that spoke to you?
I figure the last day of the year is an appropriate time to look back and reflect. And we can save the resolutions for the first day of the year.
Here's to a year of not drinking Diet Coke. That, in itself, is a huge accomplishment for me. Just wanted to make sure that didn't go unacknowledged.
This year, like a few before, brought many changes for me and my little family. The most substantial being the uneventful and quick birth of our little son. David has brought nothing but joy into our lives. Last year, I wrote that I couldn't remember life before being pregnant. This year, I feel the same way about being a mother. I can't remember what my life was like before I had a little boy to worry about. To be honest, there are moments when I miss the quiet solitude that I imagine my life to have been before we became a family of three. However those moments are always overshadowed by David's laughter and beautiful face. Our tiny family of two became a little family of three in 2005 and that will be with us for the rest of our lives. May each of our children turn out as sweet and joyful as David.
So February brought home our little one. March and April passed like a blur as I figured out how to get David to nurse properly and how to balance my job and my new life. Spring brought new friends thanks to a mom's group. My first group of friends in San Diego. David didn't really like to sleep so we took a lot of walks and read. Jake started preparing the paperwork to finally open his fund. He talked to lawyers, auditors, accountants.
The second set of big changes came in August as Jake formally opened his doors and I decided to start a small business of my own. This meant much more driving for me and I was lucky that the small venture prospered very quickly. David grew up and became even more fun to be around. We all worked and worked some more. He finally figured out how to sleep through the night and forgot about it all over again when the teeth started peeking out. He looked like he was never going to crawl and just when we thought he'd walk instead, he tricked us and started crawling overnight.
As the year came to a close, Jake and I finally fell into a groove and we have figured out how to achieve some sort of balance with our new family setup. I don't know what 2006 is going to bring us but I imagine it won't be as substantial as 2005. Having a baby and starting two businesses is enough activity for several years if you ask me. All I want next year it for us to keep being healthy, for our businesses to be successful (especially Jake's) and for the year to bring a lot of laughter.
So here's to a quiet, peaceful, healthy, happy, and prosperous 2006!
I've been putting off posting because I am struggling with what resolutions to create for 2006. Normally, I pick the typical stuff like losing weight, quitting Diet Coke, eating better, exercising more, writing more, reading more, etc. Last year, I knew better than to assume I would have any control on how my year was going to go and I am still quite confident that next year is also going to be as unpredictable and "not under my control" as this year. However, for the sake of having some goals, I'd like to set some resolutions anyway. These are a bit more atypical but quite important.
My main goal for this year is to be more patient and pleasant. I want to be kinder and more about others. I want to listen more closely. Most importantly I want to remember that my "list of things to do" is often crap. It's stuff that doesn't matter and such I shouldn't stress about completing it over being with my family or keeping in touch with friends. I find that I often prefer to stay at home and do my list of items over hanging out with friends or taking a walk with David.
Like other "busy" people, I have a hard time keeping up with my emails and staying in touch with my friends. I want that to change this year. Living here, I've learned the importance of good friends and I don't want to lose touch with the people who mean the most to me just because I am posting on my site or scrapbooking David's first year. These things are not worth falling out of touch with friends.
I want to work on judging myself less. It's okay if I am not the best programmer, photographer, mother, wife, or the prettiest woman. Things that make me who I am are unique and they are perfectly fine. I know this sounds like a self-help section but I really have trouble keeping track of what matters sometimes. I often worry that I will be exposed for the fake that I am and will lose my job or the clients will ask for their money back. I didn't study years of photography after all. I wasn't a CS major at school, just a simple IS one. I get frustrated with my husband at times and I don't play with my son enough. I need to lose weight. I have a huge nose and sunken eyes. These are all true. They are facts I try not to stress about but often dwell on at length. I want 2006 to be the beginning of the new me, who dwells less, appreciates more and takes action when possible and necessary.
I want to get influenced by others less often. Things that people say get to me. Someone's off-hand remark may kill my already low self-image. Someone's look can cause me to feel small. Even someone's lack of words can have a negative effect on me. I am too affected by other people's opinions of me. Or my skewed notion of their opinions of me. I take all the bad to heart and gloss over the good. I want 2006 to be the beginning of the me that realizes people are allowed to have their opinions but it doesn't mean their opinions are worth more than mine, especially when they are about me. As a friend of mine told me years ago, it's the person staring back at the mirror that counts the most. I know it sounds cheesy but, to me, it's important to remember it, so I am writing it down.
Most importantly, I want to be more open, honest, caring, and patient. I want to look, listen, digest it all. I want to take fewer photos but with more meaning. I want to read fewer books but with more substance. Do fewer things but enjoy them more. Really live. So I can be calmer and wiser. I want to be a good example for my son.
I was much happier in 2005 than I've ever been in my life. I had really hard and terrible moments but deep inside, I feel happy and content on many levels. I know that was David's present to me. And I want my present to him in 2006, to be a more grounded and confident mother.
Happy 2006 everyone, may all your dreams and wishes come true this year.
I often miss my college days. There are many reasons for that. Like the lack of major responsibility or the fun of taking classes I really enjoy and being surrounded by intelligent people who have a lot of free time to discuss and relax. But one of my favorite things about college, particularly the one I went to, was the people.
Even with my foreigner naivete, I had some fantastic friends in college. People I really respected and loved. People I looked up to. People who inspired me. People who made me laugh for hours. Some of them, I have been able to keep in touch with. With others, I have sadly lost connection. Every few years, something strikes me and I go searching for my old friends. Sometimes my emails are met with pleasant surprise and sometimes they think I am a freak who needs to move on.
Regardless, one of the hardest things in my life after college has been meeting interesting people and forging solid friendships. Especially now that I have a family and a busy life, it's almost impossible to have long conversations with people. Long conversations are what I need to bond with people. I miss having that kind of time. I miss talking until the wee hours of the morning. I miss getting to the core of people and having strong friends who are honest and stimulating.
I don't know how adults make friends like that. If you know, please tell me.
One of the comments Jake's brother made at our wedding was about Jake's tendency to obsess about things. He mentioned how he had a thing for remote control cars. And then he had a thing for something else and he'd obsess about that endlessly. We all laughed at the time, mostly because it was so true. Jake does obsess about things and delve into them wholeheartedly. So much so that it's as if nothing else exists. He gets to be a complete expert on that particular thing. And then he moves on to the next. Cars, comic books, computers. While this is definitely true about Jake, I've been noticing that it's slightly true about me, too.
I spent five years trying to write novels and short stories. I studied Japanese non-stop for six months and then continued regularly for two more years. I learned to knit and knit anything I could get my hands on. I picked up wire jewelry and made earrings I never wore. I picked up photography and that particular obsession took me all the way to starting a small business. I have always been more breadth oriented than depth, but I still find myself obsessing about things. I find that the initial excitement of learning something new is so intoxicating that I momentarily become unable to think about anything else.
This is also true when I meet new people. I want to know all about them. Their life, their thoughts, their preferences, their ideas of right and wrong. I can talk to them nonstop for several weeks before the newness wears out and I prefer to come up for some air.
I am wondering whether this is a trait particular to people like Jake and me or does everyone experience it to a certain extent. Are we crazy obsessive people or is it just human nature? Does your brain actually secrete something different when you have a new experience or learn something different?
I hope so, cause that way makes me sounds a lot less crazy.
It's been a relatively long week and hence the lack of updates. Even though I've had nothing urgent or critical to do, I've felt remotely annoyed and stressed out all week. Normally, I'd look forward to the weekend to get some rest but I have two shoots this weekend, which generally means I'll be working my ass off and before I know it, it will be Monday again. And, as opposed to most normal companies, my place of business does not feel MLK day is an important enough holiday to observe. Good Friday? yes, absolutely. MLK day - no fucking way.
Thanks to the generous number of replies to my askme thread, I checked out twelve new books from the library. I gather some of them should be good. David has also generously lent me one so I am hoping I am set at least for the next few weeks. I am still in the blah zone for books, and feeling like there's too much mediocrity there compared to excellence but I guess that's the case by definition isn't it?
I find that when I am in this mood, I am always tired, constantly eating bad crap, unable to focus and/or function in a positive manner. I am impatient with people i love and frustrated at the drop of a hat. I often don't know how to get out of the funk either so I hide under the covers with a good book and pray it goes away sooner than later. I have two evening fun-events to go to next week and maybe they'll be what I needed all along.
I am sick and tired of reading/hearing how parents feel like their kids owe them things. I understand that different people have differing points of view and all are valid. Well, this is my space so here goes nothing. Kids don't ask to be created. Having a baby is something people decide to do (or accidentally fall into in some cases but we're going to ignore those cases for today's point) and people try to set up their lives as much as possible to accommodate this new being.
Having a baby is hard work, bringing it up is even harder. I am only at the very beginning of it and I can already admit it's very very hard at times. And he hasn't even come close to being a teenager yet. By no means, do I feel the need to belittle the amount of work, emotion, money, and sacrifice that goes into raising a human being. However, I feel like parents lose sight of the fact that this was completely their own decision. You had this baby because you wanted to. You fed and clothed and educated him/her because it was your obligation as a parent since this being that you decided to bring into this world would be helpless without you. Since you chose to create this person, I believe it's your responsibility and duty to see it all the way through. Then, if the now grownup decides to "pay you back" by taking care of you and wanting to be with you, that's great. But I don't feel like that's the kid's duty. I feel like it's my duty as a parent to raise my child such that he can learn to take care of himself and be the kind of parent that he'll want to be around.
I remember reading Khalil Gibran's words many years ago:
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children." And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
I know many parents wish the best for their kids and tell themselves that all the things they don't allow them to do or tell them to do are for the kid's best interest. But the desire to control one's children seems too enticing. It seems so overwhelming that everyone does it. Even when the kid has kids of his/her own. The parents still have expectations and still try not to let go.
I am in a constant state of flux on what to do about this site. This May, I will have been writing on and off for six years. For the first three or four years, I did write consistently and I looked forward to coming home and writing down my thoughts and feelings. Some days it was an effort but most days it really wasn't. I still regularly go back to those posts and reread them so I am really glad they're there. Not to mention all the photos I've accumulated over the years. They are all fantastic records of those years. Since I stopped working at the investment bank, it seems I haven't really written consistently. I had a bout of consistent photo posting but even that came to an end with David's birth.
The times when I've taken an "official" break, I've felt like a weight has been lifted off of me. At least once a day, I think of the site and how I should be updating and writing more. I think of taking photos and get depressed at the state of my life. But then when the time comes to write, I look at my to-do list and look at the things I have to give up. I have a full-time job and a part-time job. I have a little boy who's getting more demanding each day. I take photos of him every day and post them weekly for my family to see. I am making a scrapbook for his first year which does seem to take countless hours of my crazy time. I still try to read a book a week (or two weeks) since it's one of the few things that makes me feel peaceful and sane. I get around 50 emails a day that I have to respond to which are besides the over 100 I get for work. Not to mention the daily things like preparing 3 meals a day for the little boy and feeding them to him. We go to music class once a week, two different mom's groups once a week each, a baby book club once every two weeks, and a ton of random crap that just comes up.
The only peaceful and uninterrupted times I have in the day are from 6:30pm to bedtime. Lately, thanks to my sinuses, I have been going to bed as early as 8pm which means I have 1.5 hours to eat dinner, catch up with my husband and go through my entire to-do list. So, I've been feeling slightly overwhelmed lately and giving this site (which hasn't been updated with any regularity for months now) seems so enticing.
But then I can't get myself to do it. This feels like a part of me. Something I poured so much of myself into. Something I can't seem to let go. So I sit here, frustrated and unsure and tired of going back an forth. I most likely will make yet another set of changes to see if I can make it more enticing, easier for me to update more regularly. And if that doesn't work either, well we'll get there when we get there I guess.
Apologies for all the whining, it's been a weird few weeks.
So I am trying to find a way to allow me to post more frequently and
I have decided to go back to the very original weblog look which
means everything gets dumped to the main page regardless of its
category. No special section for photos or david. If you don't like
the topic of a post, feel free to skip it.
Almost a month ago, David turned one. While it was relatively
uneventful for him, despite the birthday party we threw on his honor,
it was a rather huge deal for me. I always knew I wanted to have
children but I never really felt ready to have them. When Jake and I
decided to start trying, it was mostly because we knew we both wanted
kids and we knew it might be a bad idea to wait much longer in case
we had problems. It all happened very quickly and next thing we knew
we were actually pregnant. Not that I am complaining but it was
sooner than we expected, that's all.
I spent the first few months of my pregnancy worrying about the well
being of the baby and throwing up. Once I started feeling better, I
concentrated fully on worrying about the baby's well-being. I worried
about it so much that I barely had enough energy left to worry about
the birth. David did me two favors and came out relatively quickly
and quite perfect-looking.
I spent the last year also worrying. What did I know about being a
mother? Was I feeding him enough? Was I eating right? Was he warm
enough? Was he too warm? David was and is a perfect child. He eats
like a champ, he now sleeps like a champ, he walks around like he's
been doing it all his life and he laughs more than I've ever seen
anyone laugh.
There are no words for the amount of joy he has brought into our
lives. Even though it's almost a whole month late, congrats of
turning a whole finger, my son, I am so proud of you.
Anyone who's seen David and Jake quickly exclaims that David is an
exact replica and then proceeds to ask whether I'm sure I'm the mom.
David really does look exactly like Jake and given that Jake was the
cutest baby ever, I have no complaints. As he continues to grow, I am
curious which one of our non-physical genes ended up in the little boy.
He's one of the happiest kids I've ever seen. All you have to do to
get him to laugh is to laugh in his general vicinity and he breaks
into a guffaw. If you follow behind him as he walks around the house,
he quickly falls in to a game of chase and starts giggling. Loudly.
The joyous and constantly amused personality trait is definitely
inherited from Jake as well. I was a very quiet child with lots of
sticking to my mom's skirt and crying.
Lest you think he hasn't got any of my genes, I was sitting at my
table a few days ago when I could no longer see or hear David. My
work area is open to the living room and I can often see him playing.
When he goes out of sight, I can still hear the conversation between
him and the toys. If he disappears for over a minute, I generally
call him and he comes back to the living room or kitchen (which is
also fully visible from my work area) and laughs at me. On this
occasion, he had been completely out of my sight for a minute or two
and I couldn't hear him talk at all. I yelled for him and he didn't
come back. Worried, I leapt from my chair and ran towards the bedroom
thinking he was eating some crazy bathroom stuff he pulled out of the
drawers. On my way through the living room, I spotted him right by
the bookcases, quietly reading his book (well, maybe not reading but
looking through). He looked up at me with a quizzical expression and
went back to his reading.
The Birch Aquarium is a few miles from our house but we hadn't been
up there until a few weeks ago when David and I met a friend of
Jake's wife and her children. When Jake's mom came to visit a week
later, I suggested we go back there since David liked it so much. One
of the rooms in the aquarium shows fish that blend in perfectly with
their environment and use camouflage not to become prey. I love sea
horses but I had never seen these little creatures before. These sea
dragons must come from the same family as sea horses since their
faces look so similar. I know this isn't fantastic photography but I
thought the little fish was sort of neat and I haven't been out
photographing for so long that I snapped a shot of it.
A friend of mine asked me about my favorite movie the other day.
Anyone who's a movie-snob would cringe at some of my favorites and
probably think I am an uncultured, cheesy-movie-liking idiot. But I
don't care much for movie-snobs (or any other snobs for that matter)
so I don't really care what they think. Anyhow, my favorite movie of
all time is still the same as it was when I applied to college 14
years ago.
My favorite movie of all time is still Dead Poets Society. While I
was very lucky to not have parents like the ones in the movie and
wouldn't nearly qualify my life as oppressed and predetermined as
those students, the message of sucking the marrow of life resonated
strongly with me then and still does today. There are so many things
I like to do and so many things I yearn to learn. So many things I
wish I could do like design and play an instrument and draw well and
write well and be more creative and artistic. I feel like the amount
of things I want to do/learn/be would easily cover several lifetimes.
I don't know how to figure out which path to take. There are many
aspects of my life that I love and wouldn't give up. I love being
married. I love that I've shared so much of my life with Jake and
that we have all these memories that we can unleash like a treasure
chest. I love reminiscing with him. I love being a mom. I love the
joy and wonder David has brought into my life. The little moments
where he does something completely unexpected, the minutes after he
wakes up from a nap all flushed, the hours we spend bonding while I
nurse him. I wouldn't give those up for anything. I love reading. I
dedicate several hours of my week to reading books and those hours
are some of my most cherished. My little escape into the minds and
worlds of others. My opportunity to experience life in a different
way. That's something else I am not willing to give up. Those are my
core three that need to be in my life. There are many other time-
consuming activities I like that I'd rather not stop doing like:
photography, writing this site, scrapbooking my son's memories,
taking classes with/for David, etc.
But then there are others. Hours wasted having petty arguments around
office politics. Hours wasted trying to configure some kind of
installation or a piece of code that's missing a stupid parenthesis
or semicolon (yey for python). Hours killed with being in a bad mood
or stuck in traffic or running stupid errands or having a fight. I
know it's impossible to dispose of all of these. And maybe I am just
itching because it's time to try something new. I think that my main
problem is that I feel insatiable. I feel like picking one thing is
not going to satisfy me since I still have to give up picking
something else.
I had told myself that if Jake did well enough for us to live on his
salary, I'd go back to school. Maybe get a PhD in Child Psychology.
Maybe get one in Computer Science. Or maybe I'd do a collection of
Masters degrees. One for math, one for computer science, one of
english, one for statistics. One for design. One for psychology. Art
history. Linguistics. Photography. Several individual languages. I
really can go on for quite some time. Now, I'm thinking maybe I
should just take classes. I don't know if that's even possible. I
don't know that the schools I'd want to attend offer the option of
just taking classes. But I suppose theoretically if I had enough
money, I could convince them to let me. I wonder if that would quench
my thirst. Make me feel like I was finally sucking the marrow of life.
Make me feel like I was actually living several lifetimes in one.
Just so you know that I am not exaggerating when I tell you about
what a happy boy David is, I wanted to share with you a recent photo
I took while he and I were laughing at each other. Isn't he so very
beautiful?
As I mentioned before, 2005 wasn't the best
year for books, for me. Determined to do better this year, I posted
on AskMe to ask for recommendations of people's favorite books. I got
a lot of answers and got started reading them one by one. This year,
I hope to post about each of the books as I read them. So to catch
up, I'll write about the ten I've read so far in the next few days.
First up, is Kissing in Manhattan by David Schickler. I have never been a big fan of
short story collections so I am not even sure why I picked this out
to be my first book of the year. Maybe it's because the MeFi reader
said it was the book that got her out of her 2005 book-slump.
Whatever prompted me, I am really glad I decided to read it. Kissing
in Manhattan is fantastic. It's not the kind of book I would have
picked up in a million years. Each of the short stories is about a
different tenant who lives in a fictional building in Manhattan. The
stories, while different, sort of weave through each other in that
the same characters pop up in different stories and you sort of find
out some more about them through another tenant's story. It's very
well-written, sort of weird stories but good imagery, great character
development and very visual. I thought about the characters and the
stories well after I'd finished the book, which, for me, is a sign of
a great read. What a wonderful way to start the year.
The second book I read this year is Amy and Isabelle by Elizabeth Strout,
another AskMe recommendation. A quiet, beautiful story about a single
mother and her teenage daughter who has a relationship with her
teacher. It proves my disturbing thoughts about how little parents
actually know about their own children and where they are and what
they're doing at any moment in time. Disturbing at times, frustrating
at others, this novel rang relatively true to me. I enjoyed the
writing style even though I thought the book was a little slow but
still enjoyed reading it. I really am not looking forward to David's
teenage years. And while I am sort of glad not to have a girl for
that reason, I know boys can be their own bag full of troubles and
worries.
Another AskMe recommendation was Kokoro by Natsume Soseki. As far as I
can remember, I've never read Japanese fiction so this was my first.
And what an inspiring beginning. I loved this book pretty much from
the very first page. My preference is usually character-based books
and Kokoro was nothing but. I loved the simplicity of the language,
could relate to the main character almost immediately. Cared about
him, about his story, about his feelings towards his mentor. I
enjoyed how non-contrived the story felt to me. Even though I was
wondering what made the sensei who he was, it wasn't crucial to me.
It wasn't like a mystery, it was like an unraveling of a personality.
I swallowed the book in a day and thought about it for quite some
time afterwards.
I liked it so much that I decided I wanted to read more Japanese
books. My impression was that they were more about people and their
thoughts, their morals, their ideas as opposed to actual events in
their world. Maybe I am way off but I wanted to find out, so I went
through the recommendations and put two of the other Japanese books
on hold and encouraged my reading group to pick yet a third one as
our book of the month for June.
This is a relatively older photo that I took but never got around to
posting. I have a bunch of photos that are sitting on the server just
like this one so I am trying to go through them and see if I like to
put them up. There's something about this particular photo that makes
me feel lonely and sad. But I still like it. I hope you do, too.
The
Solace of Leaving Early by Haven Kimmel was recommended to me by
my good friend Michelle. Probably one of the most beautiful books
I've read in my life. It's a story about a woman who drops out of her
doctoral program and goes back to her hometown and a minister in the
same hometown, both of whom are dealing with their own personal
problems and who are put in a situation where they have to take care
of two little orphaned girls.
It's so touching and so very emotional to read. It's really
beautifully written and the characters are three dimensional and
flawed and honest. There's a lot of color in the book and great
descriptions of the children's reaction to the terrible tragedy and
the adults' differing ways of treating the children. It's really a
phenomenal read.
I haven't read Kimmel's more famous book, A Girl Named Zippy, but I
think I will have to after this.
The
Cloud Atlas by Liam Callanan was a mistake. The AskMe
recommendation was Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell but I didn't make
the distinction in the title until long after I'd started reading the
novel. Since I was already over 100 pages into the novel and enjoying
it, I decided to keep reading despite the confusion. The Cloud Atlas
is about a bomb diffuser in the army during second world war who is
sent to Alaska to dismantle the bombs the Japanese sent to the United
States inside air balloons. These balloons, of which there were over
nine thousand, fell all over Alaska and West Coast of Northern United
States. The balloons were rigged with explosives and are one of the
best kept secrets of the war. A completely fictional story based on a
true-world event.
The three main characters are all interesting, each a bit too extreme
in their flaws. But I got attached to the main character and to the
story in general. I cared about what happened and enjoyed reading it
from the first page to the very last. Especially since I had no idea
about the balloons and was quite amazed it was a true story.
My first job out of college was at a major investment bank in New
York City. I worked at this place for several years. I spent three
months in London and six months in Tokyo. I had over six different
managers in that time. When I decided to move departments a few years
into my job, I had decided that choosing the right manager was
important to my happiness at work. What I realized a few months later
was that my manager wasn't just important, he was crucial to
the success of my career.
The manager I worked for in London was wonderful. He liked me and
thought highly of me and encouraged me constantly. He had me work
with intelligent people and I learned a lot working for him. He's the
sole reason I was willing to live apart from Jake for six months to
take a position in Tokyo. The manager I worked with before him in New
York was totally the opposite and always yelled at me, never made
positive remarks about my work and constantly complained. The
situation got so bad that I was dreading going to work each and every
day. I figured the manager in London (and then Tokyo) was as good as
it got.
Until I moved to another department at the bank. When I moved back
from Tokyo, I was ready to be done with the company but at my
manager's request, decided to look around internally before I quit. I
met with several departments, all of whom were only willing to hire
me for menial jobs since I had decided to work three days a week. One
department, however, seemed to have an interesting project and they
really wanted me on board. The head of the department, let's call him
Carl, met with me and asked me when I'd be willing to start. The
original offer was to support and fix a specific piece of software
that was honestly built wrong and broken all over the place. After a
few weeks and many meetings, I was suddenly put in charge of
rewriting the software altogether. I spent the following two years or
so, managing a team of six in London, Tokyo and New York and working
only three days a week. What's amazing about this isn't that I was a
phenomenal worker. I hadn't really changed all that much from the
previous year and my skills hadn't improved that drastically.
But my manager had. Carl believed in me and he told me so daily. Even
though he was a Managing Director, he met with me several times a
week and congratulated me regularly. He brought me along to meetings
with partners and other important people. He asked my opinion in
public and in private. He made sure I got all the credit for all my
work. He gave me all the resources I asked for and was there to
answer all my questions. He truly supported me in every way. More
significantly, he believed in me. Everyone thought working three days
a week would be a career suicide but he put me in charge of a project
and he promoted me to Vice President.
Carl made me believe in myself. He made me feel like I was capable of
doing all that he was asking me to do. And, amazingly, I became
capable. I rose to his expectations. I became the person he saw me as.
A few years ago a friend told me to be careful about statements I
made out loud. She said that if I constantly complain about being
fat, people start thinking I am fat even if they didn't previously
think so. I believe in the power of saying something to make it
happen. Carl believed in me, he supported it and I rose to his
expectations. If I say something out loud often enough, other people
believe it and start treating me as such and then I become that
thing. Obviously, this happens all the time in abuse cases. Someone
tells you you're trash often enough, you start believing it. Soon you
forget what your personal thoughts were and you just see yourself
through other people's eyes. That can cause a lot of damage depending
on the people around you.
It can also help you become a better person. It can help you have
faith in yourself. It can help you become the person you have the
potential to be. The person you already are.
It's all about whose eyes you get see yourself through.
Well the
little boy is getting more mischievous by the hour. He now likes to
open drawers that he cannot even see into. He pulls the handle,
reaches into the drawer and just picks an item at random. Whatever
comes his way. He then dutifully brings it to me to show his new
finding.
He is completely obsessed with screwing and unscrewing water bottles.
He cannot unscrew them all the way though and once he closes them, he
comes to me and whines and whines until I open it back up. Same for
the little bowls we feed him from. He can close them but cannot open
them. Every day, he finds a new item for me to open so he can close
it. Today, during music class, he was very upset that the little
bells on a shaker wouldn't come off. He kept brining it to me,
thinking I could do it for him. I tried to explain to him that they
just don't come off but he wasn't very pleased with my answer.
He has also made the correlation between the water bottles we drink
from and his sippy cup. If he can't find his cup and he's thirsty, he
finds and empty or full water bottle somewhere in the house and
brings it to me. I then find his cup and he, happily, drinks in big
gulps. Who says babies can't communicate? He has started to sign the
sign for milk, but tends to do it at random times, not necessarily
correlating with nursing. He does, however, come over throughout the
day and try to lift my shirt up so he can have some milk. Getting too
clever, David.
After several months of no more teeth, one little one left of the
middle bottom one is now peeking out. Maybe there's more to come
soon. He's completely mastered walking and even walks sideways now.
He also has mastered picking up an object by just bending down a bit.
He eats at least one meal a day completely on his own (veggie burger
+ turkey meatballs + peas or some other vegetable and fruits). He's
gotten pickier about the food and likes to bang his body back and
forth in the seat if I don't listen to him. Mother always wins in the
end though and David learns that veggies have to be finished before
he can have his grapes. He loves, loves, LOVES grapes and
blueberries. And bread. I never give him bread at home so he follows
people around for bread whenever we go out.
Throughout the day, he comes over to my desk and puts his head on my
lap. Just to say he loves me. Still as smiley as ever and funny and
sweet. Takes all his toys and comes to sit by my desk to play.
I first read Philip Roth last year when I
read The Human Stain and enjoyed it very much. I liked the writing. I
liked the story. I liked the pace. Since then, I made two separate
attempts to read him, both of which failed. Both of the other books I
tried were too "dirty-old-man" for me. When The
Plot Against America came out, I knew I wanted to read it.
Especially since it was political and there were many reviews that
equated it to the current administration. I asked for the book and
received it as a Christmas gift in 2004. It sat on my shelf for a
year and I knew I would never pick it up unless I forced myself so I
asked my reading group if they were interested in reading it.
Everyone agreed so we picked it and I finally got around to reading it.
The book is a what if story about Lindbergh winning the 1940
presidency instead of FDR, written from the perspective of a Jewish
family living in New York. The main character is a little boy named
Philip Roth. It was very well written and a relatively quick read.
For people, like me, who don't know a lot about the correct political
history of the time, it's a bit confusing to keep track of what
really happened and what's made up. I am usually determined to avoid
any form of fiction or non-fiction that is set during the second
World War but I knew this book would be worthwhile. And it was. It
was also very disturbing and there was an engulfing sense of fear and
panic throughout the entire novel, making me thankful for the
thousandth time that I wasn't alive during that particular time in
history even though this particular story was fictional.
As much as I despise the current administration, I would have to say
that the horrific tale of the book is not nearly as parallel to the
current times as the media made it out to be. If it really were, I do
think we'd see thousands flocking to Canada weekly. May it never ever
get to be an issue.
I am not a particularly big sports fan. Actually, I can go so far as
to say I am not a sports fan in any way. I get incredibly frustrated
watching football because I have a really hard time following the
actual ball since it's so small compared to the players and the
field. Last time I watched basketball I must have been fourteen. I
have never ever watched hockey as far as I can remember. Golf is
boring to me in concept let alone on TV. The only game I might be
into is baseball and only in very rare cases. So it might make little
sense that Jake emailed me this article by an ESPN writer.
Until you realize that he's "talking" with Malcolm Gladwell. Probably
my favorite non-fiction writer of all time. I find Gladwell's writing
to be consistently thought-provoking. His topics are always
interesting to me. His writing is plain, unpretentious and flows
beautifully. An amazingly rare accomplishment for a non-fiction
writer in my albeit narrow experience. Despite the fact that most of
the sports talk completely went over my head, I found some real gems
in this article. Here are a few I wanted to share.
As for your (very kind) question about my
writing, I'm not sure I can answer that either, except to say that I
really love writing, in a totally uncomplicated way. When I was in
high school, I ran track and in the beginning I thought of training
as a kind of necessary evil on the way to racing. But then, the more
I ran, the more I realized that what I loved was running, and it
didn't much matter to me whether it came in the training form or the
racing form. I feel the same way about writing. I'm happy writing
anywhere and under any circumstances and in fact I'm now to the point
where I'm suspicious of people who don't love what they do in the
same way. I was watching golf, before Christmas, and the announcer
said of Phil Mickelson that the tournament was the first time he'd
picked up a golf club in five weeks. Assuming that's true, isn't that
profoundly weird? How can you be one of the top two or three golfers
of your generation and go five weeks without doing the thing you
love? Did Mickelson also not have sex with his wife for five weeks?
Did he give up chocolate for five weeks? Is this some weird golfer's
version of Lent that I'm unaware of? They say that Wayne Gretzky, as
a 2-year-old, would cry when the Saturday night hockey game on TV was
over, because it seemed to him at that age unbearably sad that
something he loved so much had to come to end, and I've always
thought that was the simplest explanation for why Gretzky was
Gretzky. And surely it's the explanation as well for why Mickelson
will never be Tiger Woods.
and a few lines down, Simmons replies with:
On Mickelson and Sports Lent, I remember
watching one of those 20/20-Dateline-type pieces about him once, and
he was adamant about remaining a family man, taking breaks from golf
and never letting the sport consume him ... and I remember thinking
to myself, "Right now Tiger is watching this and thinking, 'I got
him. Cross Phil off the list. This guy will never pass me.'" The
great ones aren't just great, they enjoy what they're doing --
I find this to be completely true. If you love what you do and do it
constantly, you are bound to master it eventually. And if you truly
love it, can you stop doing it, even for a moment? Many writers carry
little notebooks with them and take notes constantly. Photographers
never leave the house without at least one camera. Musicians practice
night and day. People are often surprised at the overnight success of
a now famous person, but in most cases there is a multi-year effort
behind the success. I can completely understand taking a break
from something to recharge and relax. However, if you want to be
really really fantastic at something, I think the trick is to love it
obsessively. Then, it consumes you.
That's sort of why I constantly
have the breadth vs depth argument with myself. If you want to do
everything and are unwilling to choose one over the others, it's
impossible for all your interests to consume you. You have a limited
amount of time and energy and you have to make choices. Thus, it
shall be that I am never going to get the opportunity to master
anything until I give up on some things.
This is actually a question I'm obsessed with:
Why don't people work hard when it's in their best interest to do so?
Why does Eddy Curry come to camp every year overweight?
The (short) answer is that it's really risky to work hard, because
then if you fail you can no longer say that you failed because you
didn't work hard. It's a form of self-protection. I swear that's why
Mickelson has that almost absurdly calm demeanor. If he loses, he can
always say: Well, I could have practiced more, and maybe next year I
will and I'll win then. When Tiger loses, what does he tell himself?
He worked as hard as he possibly could. He prepared like no one else
in the game and he still lost. That has to be devastating, and
dealing with that kind of conclusion takes a very special and rare
kind of resilience. Most of the psychological research on this is
focused on why some kids don't study for tests -- which is a much
more serious version of the same problem. If you get drunk the night
before an exam instead of studying and you fail, then the problem is
that you got drunk. If you do study and you fail, the problem is that
you're stupid -- and stupid, for a student, is a death sentence. The
point is that it is far more psychologically dangerous and difficult
to prepare for a task than not to prepare. People think that Tiger is
tougher than Mickelson because he works harder. Wrong: Tiger is
tougher than Mickelson and because of that he works harder.
This is something I've often discussed with Jake since he hates
taking exams so much and makes sure not to study for them. I am never
sure if he's genuinely having problems studying of he's just not
trying hard enough because he's scared that if he gives it all he has
and still fails, he'll have to admit he couldn't achieve despite
trying as hard as possible.
I work very hard not to regret my past. I tend to get hung up on the
past as is so I try regularly to make sure my decisions are as sound
as they can be at the time I make them. I also give the things I do
all I have. I want to be able to look back and say that there was
nothing more I could have done. I used every single ounce of ability,
power, and strength in my body and soul to make something happen. If,
then, it still doesn't happen, it's time to move on and realize it
wasn't meant to be.
That's not to say that I have followed my own
advice all the time. A few years ago, I applied to Stanford Business
School. My intention was to do a joint Education and Business degree
and to get accepted, you had to apply to the business school first. I
have always hated business school but I know Stanford is the bast and
I loved the idea of this particular program. I applied to it at the
same time I applied to Teach For America. I knew that if I got into
both I would choose TFA. Most people might think that's stupid but
TFA was what I wanted to do at the time. I figured if I couldn't get
in and could get in to Stanford, I'd study Education Policy and hope
to start some kind of education non-profit after I graduated. I knew
TFA would get me first-hand experience and that's more useful than
any education in most cases. (and in the end it turned out to be invaluable).
I had taken my GMATs four and a half years before I applied and since
they are good for five years, I just used those scores. I asked for
recommendations from my boss and a co-worker. I really did work hard
on the essays. Overall, it's not fair to say that I didn't try but I
am sure I could have tried harder to perfect my application. I am not
sure if it was on purpose or sheer neglect. I knew the acceptance
rate was very low and chances were that I wouldn't get in. And when I
didn't get in, I kept telling myself I didn't want to get in anyway.
I hadn't even bothered to retake my GMATs. It was obvious that
Stanford wasn't my first choice. Which is all bullshit. I didn't get
in and that's that. If I didn't try to make my application as strong
as it could have been, that's sheer stupidity on my part. Why waste
time writing essays, bothering to fill out an application, and taking
other people's time to write recommendations if I wasn't dying to get
in? I was completely retarded to not give it my best effort. And if
this was my best effort, I should admit that I wasn't good enough to
get in. To not try my hardest just to have some excuse to use when I
don't succeed is really setting myself up for failure. Life's too
short to live like that.
There's a famous experiment done by a wonderful
psychologist at Columbia University named Dan Goldstein. He goes to a
class of American college students and asks them which city they
think is bigger -- San Antonio or San Diego. The students are
divided. Then he goes to an equivalent class of German college
students and asks the same question. This time the class votes
overwhelmingly for San Diego. The right answer? San Diego. So the
Germans are smarter, at least on this question, than the American
kids. But that's not because they know more about American geography.
It's because they know less. They've never heard of San Antonio. But
they've heard of San Diego and using only that rule of thumb, they
figure San Diego must be bigger. The American students know way more.
They know all about San Antonio. They know it's in Texas and that
Texas is booming. They know it has a pro basketball team, so it must
be a pretty big market. Some of them may have been in San Antonio and
taken forever to drive from one side of town to another -- and that,
and a thousand other stray facts about Texas and San Antonio, have
the effect of muddling their judgment and preventing them from
getting the right answer.
This comment reminded me of The Wisdom of Crowds. Sometimes it's hard be
objective when you know the subject too well. It's hard to not make
assumptions and to not overcomplicate the situation. I guess the
trick is to know when you're in that kind of situation and to seek
the help of people who are less involved for those particular situation.
All interesting points, all gathered from a sports article that I
wouldn't have even seen had Jake not sent it to me. Shows you that an
interesting person like Gladwell is worth reading regardless of the
context.
My second short story collection of the
year was another AskMe recommendation. You
Are Not A Stranger Here by Adam Haslett is a fantastic, fantastic
collection of magnificently well-written stories. This author is a
fantastic, published writer and a law student at Yale. A major
loser :). Each story involves some aspect of sorrow, depression,
sadness, disappointment, family, friendship. The stories are simple
and elegant. The characters are very relatable and memorable, even in
the short space of a little story. I got attached to each and every
one of them.
After Kissing in Manhattan and this book, I might have to start
reading more short story collections. Either these two are major
exceptions, or I am finally beginning to gain the maturity to enjoy
short stories. Either way, I am delighted to have discovered Haslett.
After the mistake with The
Cloud Atlas, I put the correct book on hold at the library and picked
it up last week. Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell came
highly recommended by several members of AskMe. I made an effort to
spend my week with it and so read large chunks of it at a time. The
book has six stories. The first halves of five stories are told in
the first part, then the sixth story, and then each story is finished
going in the reverse order. The first story takes place on a ship
around 1850s and it's the journal of a notary traveling in the
Pacific. This was the hardest story for me to get through. I had a
hard time with the language and the character. It got a bit better
towards the end of the first half but I knew the book would get
better so I kept going.
The second story takes place in 1930's and it's about a musician
exchanging letters with a scientist friend of his while he works with
a maestro. I enjoyed this story very much and found it easy to read
with entertaining characters. The third story is about a newspaper
journalist who discovers a plot to a corporate coverup that could
cause a disaster and it involves the scientist from the second story.
The fourth story is about a book publisher who gets signed into a
retirement institution against his will. The fifth one is a sci-fi
story about a cloned human who is part of a scientific project. And
the final story takes place in post-apocalyptic Hawaii. I wasn't
crazy about the last story either but loved the other four. Each
story briefly mentions the previous one and there are tones of
reincarnation and strong moral lessons in each story. The writing is
forced in some parts but great in others. Overall, I found it to be a
fascinating book and I want to read more of his work.
Here's what one reviewer says about the book, "Here is not only the
academic pessimism of Marx, Hobbes and Nietzsche but also the
frightening portents of Aldous Huxley and the linguistic daring of
Anthony Burgess. Here, too, are Melville's maritime tableaux, the
mordant satire of Kingsley Amis and, in the voice of Robert Frobisher
-- Mitchell's most poignant and fully realized character -- the
unmistakable ghost of Paul Bowles. Here is a veritable film festival
of unembarrassed cinematic references and inspirations, from "Soylent
Green" to "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" to "The Graduate" to the
postwar comedies of England's Ealing Studios. Here is an obviously
sincere affection for the oft-maligned genres of mystery, science
fiction and fantasy."
I've been in a slight technical slump lately. There were many things
I hated about my investment bank job in New York: middle-management
was full of incompetent managers who found a way to make your life
miserable. There were many 120-hour weeks. I ate dinner at work at
least three out of five nights. Often more. The users weren't all the
sweetest people you've ever met and technology is a male field and
combining that with the male-world of finance made the place a real
joy. (There's a specific incident with one of my managers and a photo
of a woman and a horse that is somehow etched into my brain
permanently.)
Of course not everything was terrible. The pay was relatively good
but more importantly, the people I worked with were very competent.
Some of them were downright brilliant. I gained more practical
knowledge in one year of working with some of these people then I did
in my four years at Carnegie Mellon. Some of my coworkers inspired me
and made me a better coder. And I miss that. I miss it a lot.
In my current job I have more responsibility in some ways and I do a
wider variety of technology. I never had to administer servers on
Wall Street, they had other people to do that. And to boot machines,
and to configure files and compile unix programs (even though I did
download, compile, and install the latest version of emacs on every
machine I've ever used; this girl cannot live without emacs.) While I
enjoy learning about the intricacies of freeBSD and ini files as much
as the next gal, my main love is programming. And PHP just doesn't
cut it for me. It was fun for the first few weeks while it was still
relatively novel. I liked the cleanness of Smarty and how it let me
separate stuff so I didn't have to fill my PHP code with html crap
etc. However, two years into it, my fascination with PHP is long gone
and I need something else. I've coded a bunch of Python a while back
for fun and I am hoping to get back into it if only to preserve my
sanity.
Actually, my point was that I haven't been feeling very technically
challenged lately so Jake's been encouraging me to create a project
for myself that would be fun. After months of his badgering me, I
finally broke down and came up with an idea I liked. I've spent the
last week coding night and day and even though it didn't make me a
fantastic coder, I've learned some new stuff I didn't know and I have
a new website/domain now. I am hoping to roll it out for pre-alpha
testing in a week or so. If you're interested in photography,
writing, knitting or scrapbooking (any of them) and would like to be
one of my guinea pigs, drop me a line: karen at karenika dot com.
Only if you're going to play along tho and feel free to pass it on.
That's why I haven't been writing the past week. All my free time has
been 100% consumed by this. To be honest, it felt great to be
consumed by anything (other than David who's my favorite thing to be
consumed by of course) and even if the site is a bust, I loved
working on it. College was probably the last time I felt like staying
up and working on one of my own projects as much as I did this past
week.
A
Personal Matter by Kenzaburo Oe is one of two Japanese books I
checked out after I read Kokoro. This story is about a man named Bird
who is the father to a newborn baby who has a major birth defect. The
story is about the father's reaction and dealing (or not dealing)
with the issue. To be honest, about thirty pages into the story, I
hated the main character and wanted to put the book down immediately.
It depressed me so much that I didn't even want to pick up another book.
For some inexplicable reason, I decided to stick with it and I am
glad I did. While this book was much more modern than Kokoro, it also
was character based and full of ideas, morals and issues surrounding
making difficult and immoral decisions. The book finally redeemed
itself to me in its final pages and at the end I felt better about
reading it.
Recommended as one of two
self-help books that gives practical, usable advice, I picked up How to be an Adult from the library.
It was an extremely quick and very useful read. So much so that I
will write excerpts from it for the next few weeks probably. Many of
the ideas were reinforcements of prior courses I took of beliefs I
already had. These are the sort of ideas that need constant reminders
so that I get used to thinking that way. His writings on
relationships were also very practical, very sensible and very much
along the lines of what I hope to accomplish. This little book made
me think a lot and I will be referring back to it in the next few
weeks over and over again.
At a swap meet a few weeks ago, I bought David a plastic guitar. It
has buttons on it that play classical or pop music depending on its
mode. David carries this guitar all over the house and puts it down
wherever he rests. He then presses the buttons and dances while the
plastic guitar sings. I have never ever danced in front of this
little boy. I haven't danced in over ten years. There's no way he
observed this. I am wondering if moving to music might be a genetic
or inherent thing. Any ideas?
I used to be a scared, lonely little girl who cried a lot. I hung to
my mom's skirt often. David, on the other hand, is an independent and
happy little boy. Making him giggle takes two seconds. Last weekend,
on the plane to St. Louis, he made friends with the stewardess and
ran up and down the aisle to hug her. When she pointed at me and told
him to come to me, he ignored me and went back to hugging her. He
smiles at everyone, especially girls and women. I am not sure how he
can tell the difference but he seems to ignore men for the most part.
Maybe it's the makeup or the hair.
I am regularly amazed at David's sweet nature. Not that he doesn't have his moments but he's such a joy. If they all turn out like him, maybe having a few more is not such a crazy idea after all.
I can't decide how I feel
about Yukio Mishima's Temple
of the Golden Pavillion. Similar to the other two Japanese novels
I read in the last few weeks, it's mostly about the main character's
inner life. His thoughts, his ideas. The main character is a young
adult and is quite resentful of life. It's a slow-paced novel full of
wisdom and thought-provoking writing. Here are a few sections that
spoke to me:
Perhaps a lyrical port lucked within that huge
body of his, but I felt that there was cruelty in his clear, blue
eyes. The Western nursery-rhyme "Mother Goose" refers to black eyes
as being cruel and malicious; the fact is that when people imagine
cruelty, they normally assign some foreign character to it.
and another
Cripples and lovely women are both tired of
being looked at, they are weary of an existence that involves
constantly being observed, they feel hemmed in; and they return the
gaze by means of that very existence itself. The one who really looks
is the one who wins.
one final one
I just wanted to make you understand. What
transforms this world is - knowledge. Do you see what I mean? Nothing
else can change anything in this world. Knowledge alone is capable of
transforming the world, while at the same time leaving it exactly as
it is. When you look at the world with knowledge, you realize that
things are unchangeable and at the same time are constantly being
transformed. You may ask what good it does us. Let's put it this way
- human being possess the weapon of knowledge in order to make life
bearable. For animals such things aren't necessary. Animals don't
need knowledge or anything of the sort to make life bearable. But
human beings do need something, and with knowledge they can make the
very intolerableness of life a weapon, though at the sam time that
intolerableness is not reduced in the slightest. That's all there is
to it.
When I was telling my friend
Michelle that most of the books I read last year sucked, she
recommended The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson
McCullers. For some reason, I let the book sit for weeks before I
picked it up. I would look at the cover and keep putting off reading
it. I thought it was going to be really depressing and I wasn't in
the mood. Once I did pick it up, I couldn't put it down. I loved
every minute of it. I loved the characters, I loved how intricately
their lives were intertwined yet so very isolated. I loved how they
all felt close to Singer and yet they knew nothing about him. It was
a really enjoyable read and I am glad I finally did actually pick it
up. Both this one and The Solace of Leaving early were Michelle's
recommendations. Now I'm going to have to beg for more.
The complex where I live has a calendar of events that they publish
each month. It notes community-wide events like easter egg hunt and
gym classes as well as national or religious holidays. In April's
calendar, they had "National Honesty Day" under April 30th. I have
never heard of this holiday but I am glad it's on the calendar and I
wish it would encourage people, even if just for one day.
I am not naive enough to think that people don't lie. Everybody lies
and they all have their reasons. When I was little, my mom would lie
to her clients and tell them that their merchandise was ready but she
couldn't deliver it cause I was so sick, she had to stay home and
take care of me. All the while, I would sit next to her, perfectly
healthy. I asked her why she lied and she said that these were
"little lies" and they didn't matter. Sure they matter. But today's
post is not about lying. It's about not telling the truth.
Most of us live our lives sheepishly, not passionate enough to stand
for something. My first night of Teach For America training, they
showed us a video of the previous year's class and the
accomplishments they achieved and all the goals the organization had
for the country. I felt so proud to be a part of something so
phenomenal that I went back to my room and I called Jake. "I don't
know why everyone wouldn't want to be a part of this," I said. "It's
amazing." I truly believed it. I still do. I have the utmost respect
for organizations like TFA who stand for something and fight like
crazy to get it. Most of us, give up way too easily. Most of us learn
to be complacent early on in life and stick to saving our opinions to
ourselves in most situations. Not lying, per se, but omitting the truth.
Not being honest with your boss' bad taste or incorrect preferences
is one thing. The boss might fire you for disagreeing. While I still
think it sucks to work for someone like that, I can understand one's
choice to be complacent in that situation. But not when it comes to
friendship. And not with a significant other. These people are in
your life by choice. You picked them. Why not pick people who respect
you for your thoughts and be honest with them? A friend of mine
thinks truth is overrated, that it isn't necessary to be honest at
all times and that sparing someone's feelings is more valuable. I
respectfully disagree.
I choose the people in my life because I trust them to be good
thinkers. I trust that when they tell me their opinion on things,
these opinions are not judgments. They aren't superficial, they
aren't spiteful. They are well-thought-out opinions of people whom I
trust and respect. I want them to tell me what they think and trust
that I can handle the truth. I am independent enough to weigh their
opinions without letting them cloud mine. I want them to trust that
when I said I want to know what they think, I meant it. Their honest
thoughts help me grow and expand my own thoughts. They help me see
things from different perspectives.
Of course there are nice and not-so-nice ways to say things. There's
bashing and there's constructive feedback. I always expect the people
I care about to take the time to put their words in a non-hurtful
form. Adjectives without explanations are useless. If my friends are
some of the most intelligent and most caring people I know, why
wouldn't I want to know their true thoughts?
That's one of the reasons I loved college. In college, people tend to
be passionate. They tell you what they think. For hours. Tedious as
it might become, the conversation is deep, meaningful, and often
honest. Then we grow up, life gets in the way, we never take the time
to be honest. We never really listen and really answer. We make
decisions on behalf of the other person. (Oh she wouldn't want to
hear this. Poor so-and-so, how could I tell her what I really think)
We talk about the people we love to other people but never to their
face. We wouldn't want to hurt them. Well, you may not be hurting
them, but you're also not helping them. You're depriving them of the
true friend or partner they thought they had.
And what if you do tell the truth (nicely, gently, constructively)
and they get hurt irrevocably? Well, in my opinion, those friends
were lost long ago. A relationship based on eggshells and half-truths
is not a relationship worth the energy or the time. Especially with a
significant other. This person may be there for the rest of your
life, do you really want to live with someone to whom you cannot tell
your true thoughts/feelings, for the rest of your life?
I don't know where between college and life people give up on honesty
but I wish it hadn't become the accepted social norm. I really think
we could all benefit from more of it. Even if only on April 30th.
I have met many book-lovers
over the years. Several of them, upon learning of my passion about
books, have recommended that I read Lolita.
I knew the premise of the book and refused to read it out of
principle. "But it's literature, it's Nabokov." I heard so many
arguments, but I still refused to read it.
A few weeks ago, my bookclub met and we were told that the Mark Twain
book we'd picked for April was dreadful and decided to switch it. I
recommended we read Lolita. None of us were too thrilled about the
prospect but we all felt that it was a book we had to read before we
died. And now that were were in our 30s, and "mature," we might as
well get to it. Semi-reluctantly, we all agreed to pick it as our
April book.
Knowing it would be a form of torture, I bought and started the book
immediately. The text was much less dense than I had imagined and the
story moved relatively quickly. There were some interesting bits here
and there and the writing was quite impeccable. But that's it.
I wish I could say all those people were right and I was wrong. I
wish I could say I totally changed my mind on it and it was
phenomenal. The truth is, I could never get past the child-
molestation. I could never get past what a disgusting (and I find
that to be the very perfect fit adjective in this case) man he was.
There was no second in which I could relate to him or empathize.
Thank God I don't have a daughter, I might have hated it even more.
There was no room for my pity in the character. No explanation why he
might have become such a despicable person. Nothing that spoke to me
in a way that allowed me to enjoy the book, the story and the people.
I ask you, if you're one of those "Lolita is amazing" people:
please tell me what I missed? Why is this book such a must-read?
After finishing the
dreadful Lolita, I had to cleanse myself with a different book
immediately. Two of the women in my reading club had just finished Snow Flower and the Secret Fan and
they both loved it. I borrowed it from my friend Nicole and started
reading it Sunday morning. My day was relatively full. I had a shoot
at 7:15am and had to process all the photos, feed David's meals,
nurse him for his naps, play with him, work on the site and respond to the tons of emails
sitting in my inbox. I started the novel and ended up doing nothing
but reading. By, 10:30pm, I had finished the novel (and done all the
necessary tasks of the day including processing my photos.)
This novel was wonderful. Light but not trivial read. Three-
dimensional characters and a completely character-driven story. I
learned a lot about Chinese culture I didn't know and confirmed some
of the sad things I did know. I enjoyed every page of it and it was
exactly what I needed after Lolita.
Elizabeth Gilbert's
fantastic memoir was exactly what I needed to read. Eat,
Pray, Love : One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India
and Indonesia is a very quick read, but don't let it's humorous
tone fool you. It's a book that makes you look into your own soul and
think about the life you're living. At least, it did for me. I loved
her writing. It never got in the way of the story. I loved the way
she told her very sad story with great humor so that you never felt
sorry for her. I felt like the author was instantly likable. I loved
all three sections and all the characters in the book. I've never had
an interest in traveling to India or Indonesia (I wasn't against the
idea just never felt compelled to go) but now I would love to. I am
hoping to go back to practicing yoga and I truly think that sitting
quietly and smiling for an hour each day may change my life for the
better. Looking deep into myself is something I should do regularly.
But now I am just blabbing.
There are many articles about this book all over the net. I had never
heard of it until my friend Nicole read it and recommended it. I read
it in a few days and loved every single moment of it. It's not for
everyone (especially if you're not spiritual at all) but it's quite a
marvelous book for some people. Including me.
With this little entry, we finally catch up to all the books I've
read this year so far. I'm currently reading another memoir "The
Glass Castle" which, so far, is great. With the exception of Lolita,
this has so far been a year of great books. I hope to keep it up.
As promised, I will start to write about some of the points "How to
be an Adult" brings up that interested me. Here's the first one I
want to write about:
Relationships between adults work best when each partner knows
his or her specific ways of feeling loved and tells the other about
it.
This has been one of my pet peeves for a long time. I believe that
different people have different ways of feeling loved. Some people
like jewelry or flowers, others want hugs, and others just want to be
listened to. I don't think there's a right way to love someone.
Similarly, there are no wrong ways to feel loved (we're ignoring
extreme cases of abuse etc here). For a multitude of reasons, we all
develop our own definitions of love and our own ways of looking at a
relationship and feeling loved.
I think our first instinct is to love someone the way we like to be
loved. If we like attention, then we give the other person attention.
If we like flowers, then we buy presents, etc. I don't think there's
any harm in this, initially when we don't know someone very well,
it's the best option we have. But once we've gotten to know our
partner somewhat. loving them the way they like to be loved gives us
two major advantages. One, it shows the other person that we're
paying attention to their wants and needs. Two, it makes it easier
since it focuses our efforts to please that person and makes them
more effective each time.
Of course, I think there's value in recognizing when your partner is
trying to show you how much they love you, in their own way as well.
If your partner is the kind of person who never buys flowers and he
comes home with flowers one day, this shows a significant effort and
should, of course, make you happy (unless the flowers are due to some
guilt.) But knowing the ways the other person feels loved saves so
much time and effort in a relationship. It may be hard in the
beginning to make enough attention to find the ways, but you can also
ask. I think, in an honest relationship, there's no reason to play
guessing games. If I care about you, and about making our
relationship last, I have no trouble telling you what actions or
things make me feel loved. This way you're not wasting your time
trying things that work on you, on me. I am happy and loved and so
are you. Why would people prefer to play guessing games instead?
There's no award for getting there on your own. The award is for
knowing and for doing the actions that make the other person feel
loved. Sure it's nice to know that you paid attention but it's much
nicer to know that you're going out of your way and your personal
understanding of how to show love, just for me. Just to make sure I
am feeling loved by you. That's all that matters. Imagine how much
smoother a relationship would be if both parties were honest about
what would make them feel loved and if both partners actually did
these? There would be no need for guessing, assuming and worrying.
I think part of being an adult is knowing yourself and not being
afraid to share that with the people you love. Knowing what you need
and asking for it. Knowing that those who really care for you will do
their best to show it, in a way you understand.
When he wakes up from his morning nap, David gets a piece of string
cheese. I take the cheese out of its wrapper and he holds the cheese
in one hand and the wrapper in the other. It's one of his favorite
foods. At least for now.
Just for the fun of it, I removed a lot of the noise from this image.
Since our house doesn't have perfect lighting, I take most of my
indoor photos at 800ISO, thus get a lot of noise.
When I got my passport last year, Jake and I had planned to drive to
Mexico right away so I could get to use my brand new American
passport. As things turned out, we never got to go. This weekend,
looking for something to do, we decided to drive to Ensenada, The
drive from San Diego is around an hour and a half. We got on the road
as soon as David woke up (5am!) and got there early enough to get
some fantastic weather before it came pouring down.
I loved Ensenada. In so many ways, it reminded me of being home. The
dirt, the poverty, the small streets, the sweet, kind people, the
tiny candy stores. I felt completely at ease and loved every moment
of being there. I felt more at ease there then I do here in San
Diego. The one thing Ensenada had that Istanbul doesn't was color.
The magnificent color in all the buildings delighted me and is
something we don't really have in most of Turkey (except Bodrum,
which is all white and blue - not so colorful as Ensenada but still
gives me the same sense of loveliness). I couldn't get enough of the
color.
Since I haven't taken any photos (that aren't portraits of some kind)
in such a long time, I didn't even know where to begin. I took a
whole bunch of photos before rain came pouring down. I am not sure I
am thrilled with any of them but I still like them because theu are
my memories of the wonderful trip. I'll post some of them over the
next few weeks.
Of course, on the way back, they didn't ask me for anything but my
driver's license so I didn't get to use my spankin' new passport. Oh
well.
Jeannette Walls' The Glass Castle is our bookclub's pick for May. I had already finished out April
selection (Lolita) so I figured I might as well get started on it.
The book took me three days to read. It's the memoir of Jeannette's
unbelievable childhood. Parts of it made me want to cry, parts of it
made me cringe. I was amazed at how intelligent both her parents
seemed and yet how little they cared about the welfare and health of
their children. The obviously did love their kids but it's amazing
that children can be brought up this way in the US and nothing is
done about it. It's a well-written memoir and will make you thankful
for your childhood and family.
It's a good read for when you need to keep your life in perspective.
Amidst a funeral and two coast to coast red-eyes, I attended Y Combinator's startup school last weekend. Stanford's
Kresge Auditorium was packed to the brim. Every seat was filled and
the back was full of people sitting on the floor with laptops. I was
originally supposed to attend the previous evening's event as well
but we had to fly to New York on the red eye on Thursday and flew
back Friday evening and didn't make it into San Francisco until 9pm,
so when I showed up at Kresge, I didn't know a soul.
Having worked as a programmer on Wall Street, I imagined the male/
female ratio would be skewed. I attended Carnegie Mellon. I worked at
an Investment Bank and I am a programmer. Being a minority as a woman
isn't new to me. I had, however, assumed the percentage of women in
the room would be something around 10-12%. I was way off.
It was relatively hard to count because the room was so packed and
because some male hackers have long hair, making them
indistinguishable from women when you can only see them from the
back. My best count was eight. Excluding the speakers and organizers,
I counted eight women in a room of over 400 men. That's around
2%. I've never been a huge women's rights activist or even a feminist
to be honest, but this depressed me. For the last few weeks, I've
been asking many of my entrepreneurial friends if they knew of
technical companies started by women (where the women were the
technical individuals as well as the founder and when I mean
technical, I mean more than HTML or CSS). Some were able to name
maybe one or two and many couldn't even think of a single one.
There are many cases where established companies are led by women.
When I was at Goldman Sachs, our CIO was a woman. I know some
fantastic women coders. There are also cases of companies started by
women. Women who are in advertising, marketing, design, fashion and
tons of other non-technical fields. But there seem to be very few
cases of technical women entrepreneurs.
Women and men are different. They live differently. They work
differently. They manage differently. They lead companies
differently. This is not to imply that all men are the same but just
to point out that there are fundamental differences in the genders
that makes their styles of starting and running companies varied. One
of the greatest things about America is that we have a lot of choices
here. Anyone can start their own company. Anyone can do anything they
truly want. This means that if I want to be an employee, I have a
large number of companies to choose from. I think having more
technical female entrepreneurs would give me, and others like me,
more options. I feel that not having those options is depressing and
unfortunate.
I don't know what stops technical women from wanting to start their
own thing. Maybe it's the kids (I have a lot to say on this and I'll
save it for my next post) or the fear of instability. Or maybe it's
the lack of balls. When Chris Sacca from Google gave his speech, he said
he'd take two questions but one had to be from a woman. The woman he
picked asked for suggestions on helping women make more effective/
forceful pitches. Hearing the question made me even more upset. There
is no inherent reason for a woman to be more unsure of herself than a
man. When I believe an idea, I am so forceful and passionate that
it's scary. That's how I talked my way into my graduate degree and
that's how I was able to accomplish most of the biggest achievements
in my life. I just felt like if this is the best question this girl
can come up with, it says a lot about why women don't do startups.
When I asked AskMe what books to read this
year, Kafka on the Shore was the most widely
recommended book. I figured one way I could guarantee that I would
read it was to pick it for our book club. I rallied the other women
around the idea and we picked it as our June book. So, of course, as
soon as I was done with Glass Castle, I picked it up. For some
reason, I was worried I wasn't going to like it. I thought it would
be dense and hard to read. I thought it might tire me out. It came at
a time when other not-so-great things happened to me so I sort of
didn't want to read it, if it was going to be hard.
But I was wrong. I was so wrong. I should have known to trust those
AskMe people, they haven't strayed me wrong yet. I loved every minute
of Kafka on the Shore. When I read the blurb, it sounded like it was
going to be mystical and weird and not good and it was anything but.
It was weird and it was mystical, but it was a breeze to read and it
was interesting to the very last page. It did get predictable towards
the end but I loved the predictability. I loved the ideas, the
essence of the book. I couldn't wait for the stories to intertwine. I
normally hate open-ended books but in this case, I didn't mind it one
bit.
And I think it was a perfect pick for the book club, it will lead to
a very interesting discussion. Now that I've discovered him, I'm
going to have to read Murakami's other works. I hear Hard-Boiled
Wonderland is fantastic, too.
There are a few writers whose
books I anxiously await. As soon as they hit the shelf, I buy and
devour them instantly. Anne Tyler is one of those. Digging to
America is about two families who each adopt babies from Korea.
One family is "typical" American and the other is an immigrant family
from Iran. The parents of the adopted child are American (or
Americanized at least) whereas the grandmother, who is one of the
integral characters, is the one who came to the US from Iran. The
novel explores many of the complicated issues around what it means to
be American.
As always, it's a fantastic read and a wonderful snippet of the
ordinary and yet incredibly complicated lives of people who live in
the United States. It made me think a lot about the life my son's
going to have. How he will forever be half-Turkish. How that might be
interesting/exotic for him or it might be alienating/weird. How the
way he feels about himself and his place in the world/country will
say so much about what his place ends up being. That goes for all of
us: we're so much of what we say we are. The way we see ourselves,
defines the way we become. Defines the way others see us. Defines
many of our shortcomings and strengths. The image you exude is the
image others start getting to know you with.
Before I get too off topic, Anne Tyler has written another terrific
novel and made me wish she was much more prolific.
It's been a rough few weeks in the karenika household. First came
some unexpected news that really threw a wrench in the comfort of the
household, then came a death, and then came another death. All these
events meant that we made four trips across the country in the last
two weeks. David, who had never been on a plane prior to April,
didn't take well to the redeye but was a champ on all the other
flights. He loved the Florida sunshine. He cheered everyone up at
both of the funerals and reminded people that there's an order to
life and that the most important things is for people to come and go
in order. He also added some much-needed humor to the very sad
occasions we've been a part of.
We spent one of our nights in Florida in a hotel. Since David's
bedtime is 6pm, and we had a regular hotel room, Jake and I spent
6-11pm in the very tiny bathroom floor of the Holiday Inn. Like the
time we were in San Francisco, the very close quarters of the
bathroom, coupled with the whispering not to wake the boy up, makes
for some intimate conversation. We ended up chatting a lot about
life, our goals, our dreams and all the things we were thankful for.
When we're home, Jake and I always have an unending to-do list. There
is work to be done, books/websites to read, email, cleaning, cooking,
David, laundry, are just a few things that get in the way of us-time.
When we're away, we know we're not going to get anything done and we
end up having the best conversations of our marriage.
Times like these make me really glad to have David around. I tend to
get lost in the little things when I'm in a bad place and forget that
the world is great. Our lives are great. David's the best reminder of
that. His laughs, his hugs. His beautiful face. His mere existence is
a daily reminder that we've already achieved one of the biggest
successes of our lives.
Anyhow, this was meant to be an apology for the lack of posts. I've
been making an effort to post more, partly for the few who still read
me consistently (thank you), and partly for my own sanity. The last
few weeks have been hard and thus ended up with no posts. Things are
going back to normal (I hope) and such, I am hoping to be around a
bunch more.
LifeHacker linked to an
article about motivation and highlighted one particular one.
#3 Socialize with others of similar interest. Mutual support
is motivating. We will develop the attitudes of our five best
friends. If they are losers, we will be a looser. If they are
winners, we will be a winner. To be a cowboy we must associate with
cowboys. Despite the glaring and very annoying
grammatical error, I must say I generally agree with the sentiment.
I've noticed that who you associate with has a lot to do with who you
become, what you wish for, what your goals are, and how you spend
your days. Being surrounded by your kind of people is crucial. More
so than you might imagine. And I mean physically surrounded by.
People you go out to lunch with. People you see relatively regularly.
When I lived in New York, the people I saw on a day-to-day basis were
very different from each other. The people I worked with at TFA would
never categorize themselves with the investment bankers or the
bookstore people I regularly saw. Despite being so different, every
single person I was around was interesting, intellectually
stimulating and offered a lot to learn from. I loved that. I soaked
up everything around me. Everyone's knowledge. Everyone's excitement.
In my environment, it was rare to run into someone who wasn't someone
you'd want to know.
That environment made me want to become a more interesting person.
It challenged me. It motivated me. And I didn't realize how much
until I left it. I didn't understand how much of it I was taking for
granted. I do now. I think I did realize it relatively quickly after
we moved to San Diego, but I didn't understand the depth of the
difference until recently.
The people around you, the place where you work, the friends you have
can electrify you. They can make you feel that you can change the
world. Move mountains. They can make you feel like you're excellent,
deserving, inspiring. They can bring out the very best in you and
help you reach all your unrealized potential.
People around you can also bring out the worst in you. They can make you
petty, jealous, shallow. Lazy. They can make you scared of yourself
and unsure of your abilities.
Next time you pick a new friend, a new job, a new surrounding, remember this: whom you associate with determines the person you become.
Barclay and I went to Windansea Beach last night to do some night
photography. I took most of my photos before or around sunset but got
a few ok ones in the dark. Of the bunch, this is one of my favorites.
To me, it has the magical feel of night photography. ISO: 100.
Aperture: 22. Shutter Speed:28sec.(bulb)
David has a little, yellow fabric cube that we bought when he was
born. It came in a set of four and this yellow one has a duck on one
of its faces. If you press hard on this face, it makes the duck quack
three times. No matter what kind of mood he's in, this sound makes
David laugh out loud.
When I first heard about this book, I
thought it was yet another in the line of chick-lit like the Devil
Wears Prada or the Shopaholic series. There's nothing wrong with
those books but I haven't been able to enjoy them, so I steered clear
of Prep. The book kept coming back into my life. I
read about it everywhere and it was recommended by AskMe. After a few
months, when I ran into it at Costco, I figured maybe it was time to
buy it and read it.
So I did.
Prep was a relatively quick read though it actually took longer than
I thought, especially towards the end. I found the story less and
less interesting as it went along. I related less to the character
than I thought. To be fair, I didn't go to a prep school. Or maybe I
did but it was in Turkey and it wasn't boarding and it was all-women.
So I don't even know why I thought I would relate to it. Having said
that, this book made me feel glad I hadn't gone to a prep school and
sealed the already-determined fate of my son.
I thought the writing was good. It didn't get in the way of the
story, which is one of my pet peeves. When the story stopped being
interesting and I stopped caring about the character, I just kept
reading for the momentum of it. Overall, I'd have to say it was okay.
But not fantastic.
When I was pregnant, I was determined to use Sign Language with David
when he was born. Jake and I went to a book reading on Baby Sign and
I was all gung-ho about it. Somewhere along the line, I was told it's
best not to start until babies are six months old. So I didn't start
right away. By the time he turned six month old, we had serious sleep
problems, we started introducing solids and there was way too much
going on for me to think about Sign Language.
A few months ago, I decided to stop feeling so disappointed in myself
and start signing little by little. As opposed to the typical fist
signs like "more", "change", and "food," I picked "show me." David
often walked into the kitchen and screamed and when I didn't go see,
he'd come to the living room and scream until I got up and walked
with him back to the kitchen. Each time, he came into the living
room, I'd sign "show me" and I walked back with him. He didn't seem
to pay much attention, but I kept doing it anyhow. It wasn't out of
determination as much as boredom. Gave me something to do on the way
to the kitchen and distracted him slightly so he wouldn't scream as
much.
Two weeks ago, he did the same screaming for something routine but
this time he signed. I thought I was hallucinating and he didn't do
it again that day. But he did the next day. This time, it was so
clear, I was sure he was actually signing it. Over the last week, he
has become proficient in signing "show me" and uses it constantly. He
also started using "milk" which is a welcome replacement to the
previous "let me pull your shirt enough for you to lift it."
Signing with David is so much fun. Now, when he wakes up grouchy from
his nap, I sign "show me" which makes him stop and think about what's
on his mind. Such joy. Now that we've started communicating, I have
moved on to "help me", "please" and "thank you." Let's see if we make
progress.
My heart jumps each time the phone rings. Sinks each time it's not
"the call."
I check my mail incessantly, hitting refresh in millisecond
increments. If I leave home for an errand or go to the bathroom, I
travel with all the phones. I rush back to the computer hoping it
came in the two minutes I wasn't clicking.
I create the worst possible scenario in my mind and get myself all
wound up. Why did I even think it was possible? Who am I kidding really?
I listen to an uplifting song and get my second wind. Maybe not
hearing soon is actually a good sign. Maybe this is possible after
all. Maybe. Maybe not. Good news travels fast, they say.
Waiting is exponentially more devastating than even the worst
possible outcome, sometimes. It's a place where the hopeless and the
most hopeful collide, leaving me incapacitated.
In a relationship, this may mean that both parties do not choose
to use the same freedoms or limitations. For example: You feel great
pain when I form outside relationships, even though they are not
sexual. I feel no pain at all about your outside relating. To be
fair, both of us have equal latitude in this area. To be
compassionate, I give up the exercise of my right since it triggers
so much hurt in you - without asking you the same in return.
Meanwhile with compassion for me, you have committed yourself to
working in therapy on your fear and jealousy so thaat eventually i
can related to others with no consequence to you." The "double
standard" refers to moral issues but not to consciously compassionate
relationships.
I am a firm believer that relationships are never exactly 50-50.
Sometimes one person gives more and other times vice versa. This is
what keeps the balance together. This means when I'm having a
horrible day, it's ok for me to ask for 75% and I won't have to feel
like I am being unreasonable just like I can offer 85% on a day when
I'm great and he's not. For me, this applies to friendships as well.
The above quote is a similar scenario in my opinion. Two people are
never exactly the same. They had different pasts, different
upbringing, carry different residual pain and frustration. People's
past tends to affect who they become and what they view as right/
wrong. Therefore, the list of things that bother me in a relationship
and the list of things I don't care about one way or another could be
drastically different than the one my loved one compiled over the
length of his life.
I believe it's crucial to treat each person like they are an
individual with their own priorities, thus it's unfair to set rules/
guidelines for a relationship that are always exactly equal. The
quotes example speaks to me perfectly. I think there are two crucial
keys to make this work.
1. You need to communicate. If you don't tell me that
something bothers you, you can't blame me for doing it. Over and over
again. I am not here to read your mind. I can't do it and you
shouldn't expect me to. Stand up for yourself, be honest and kindly
explain to me that something upsets you and maybe even try to explain
why if you can. Trust me that I will listen and I will care. I won't
judge. There's a reason you picked me to share your life with.
2. I need to willingly give up the exercise of my right.
Regardless of our relationship, I am a free person. I can say and do
whatever I want, anytime I want. Being in a relationship means I
exercise the right to not do many things because our relationship is
more important to me than those things. I choose not to do them, not
because you said I can't but because I respect you and choose not to
hurt you. The choice has to be mine or it will feel like a chore and
it will soon give rise to resentment and anger: two things that can
kill a relationship quickly or slowly but definitely painfully.
I guess it can be summarized like this: "Tell me what you think and
trust me that I will do my best to respect you."
I used to be very immature and force the people who loved me to do a
particular thing (or, often, not to do it) and it took me many
painful years but I learned that you can't force anyone to do or be
anything. You can admit that people are different with differing
needs. You can share your fears and worries and hope like crazy that
the person you are with loves you enough to work on them with you or
is patient enough to wait it through while you're working on them
yourself.
Two weeks ago, Jake, David and I flew to Florida for Jake's
grandmother's funeral. While we were there, Jake's mom wanted to take
a walk by the late and feed the ducks. As an overjoyed David walked
around, talking to all the animals, I tried to snap some photos as I
kept an eye on him. They didn't come out as well as I had hoped but I
wanted to put up a few just for the memory of it.
Since Google has a reputation
for having harrowing interviews, I thought it best to prepare as much
as possible. Even though I wasn't sure if The Search would be
helpful, I figured it couldn't hurt. It turned out to be a
fascinating read and gave me a lot to think about and a lot to talk
about. If you don't know a lot about the history of search and if it
does interest you, I would highly recommend this read. Despite the
cover design, the book is not solely about Google and explores the
full history of search engines.
I also read The Google Story,
again, hoping that it might give me some insight or clever
conversation pieces. I'll be fully honest that I haven't finished
this one. Partly because I only had ten days between the phone
interview and the on-site one and I read non-fiction much more
slowly. This is much more specific to Google and it's more personal
and less about search. It's more about the people behind the story
and about how the company got started. At least so far. More
interesting if you're into the company story. Also, well-written.
I think these might fill the non-fiction quota of this and last month.
Since reading Kafka on the Shore, I couldn't stop
thinking about the book, so recently I went and bought another one by
Murakami. I picked The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle: A Novel
because it's the novel that made Murakami famous in the US. This book
is considerably longer and thicker than Kafka and more convoluted. It
resolves a bit more but not a huge lot. There were bits that were
common to both novels but that didn't bother me. I feel like maybe if
I read more of his work, I might get closer to solving the puzzle of
his stories. I now have to go buy all of his books. Easy to read,
difficult to understand.
Another from our night shoot from weeks ago. As you can see, these
are not processed as well as they could be. Now, I am especially glad
that we did the shoot since I don't think I'll be near a beach at
night anytime soon again. Beautiful La Jolla.
So it's been too long, I know. But to be fair, in the three weeks since I've made my previous post I found a new place, moved to a new house, in a new city, accepted a new job, changed my addresses everywhere, and said good-bye to one life and hello to another. I'm finally settled in and about to leave for vacation.
It's been a long and tiring few weeks. After an unbearably long flight, I am hoping to have a pleasant, eventless, and relaxing vacation. I will do my best to post as much as possible, but I am not bringing my computer so it will depend on how much computer time I get on the island.
Now that I am on a
Haruki Murakami kick, I thought I should read Hardboiled Wonderland and the End of
the World. I started the book on the plane to Istanbul and didn't
feel like I got into it as quickly as the other two I read. That might
have been because it also took me the longest to read (or maybe it took
me the longest to read because I didn't get into it as quickly as the
other two, who knows?) I felt like this was the most resolved of the
three I've read so far and I really liked it a lot by the end. For
reasons I can't really put into words, Kafka is still my favorite one. I
have three more Murakami books on my shelf and look forward to reading
every single one.
I truly owe a big thank you to the AskMe crowd for introducing me to
this great author.
My sister gave me a Turkish translation of The Ultimate Gift when I was
visiting her. Normally, I don't read these books anymore. Mostly
because I read tons of them at some point in my life and I feel like I
want to take a break from all the advice-giving text. But since she gave
it to me and jet lag was preventing me from reading anything that
requires a lot of attention, I gave it a try. I struggled a lot with the
Turkish translation since it was so obvious that the translator didn't
make any effort to make it sound more Turkish. Some of the phrases were
direct translations and didn't make much sense in Turkish.
The "gifts" were relatively obvious to me but I did like a few of them,
especially the idea of the Golden List. Overall, I thought it was an
okay read but I don't know that I would have missed much if I hadn't
read the book.
After having read 100 Years of Solitude in one
day, I was looking forward to reading Love in the Time of Cholera. A good
friend of mine had said that, of the two, this was her favorite and I
enjoyed 100 Years so much that I couldn't imagine how much better it
could get. Maybe that's why, it took me a few years to get the book and
finally start reading it.
I started it in Turkey but I was so tired and sick that I kept having to
put it down. When we got home, I took a break to get over jet lag and I
finally managed to sit and read a large chunk of it in one sitting,
which is when the book got good. Despite its beautiful story,
interesting characters and fantastic writing, I didn't enjoy this nearly
as much as 100 Years of Solitude. When I finished the book, I did have a
wonderful, satisfied feeling, but I wasn't as blown away with this story
and I had been with the previous. It wasn't as epic and magical.
Still, it was a beautiful story and a beautiful book.
I actually read The Arithmetic
of Life before Hardboiled Wonderland but forgot to put it up. Found
this book on the recommendation of the O'Reilly
radar. Within a day, the book went from being around 300,000th on
Amazon's rank to 3,000th. None of the bookstores around Palo Alto
carried it, so I used this occasion to enroll into the Palo Alto library
system and got the book within minutes and read it in hours. I found the
articles interesting and thought-provoking - albeit a bit repetitive.
The writer *really* hates the Congress and makes sure we know it often.
Overall, this book is a great read for those who say math isn't useful
in their daily lives. The articles are short, easy to read, easy to
relate to and even entertaining.
Many years ago, I wrote an entry about the
two-me's.
Lately, the idea of the Ideal Self has been on my mind a lot. There have
been many occasions where I noticed that my ideas of who I hope to be in
a certain situation often get crushed by the real me.
The Ideal Me wants to be mature in a situation that might be chaotic and
frustrating but the Real Me gets annoyed, acts impatient or irrational.
The Ideal Me wants to explain things clearly and without placing blame
so we can have a productive conversation and resolve our differences,
yet the Real Me gets emotional and can't think clearly. The Ideal Me
assumes the best and commits to situations where the Real Me freaks out
and makes things unpleasant without meaning to. The Ideal Me is kind and
compassionate regardless of how others treat me, but the Real Me gets
hurt and angry. The Ideal Me wants to make everyone happy but the Real
Me knows that's impossible and often ends up upsetting everyone instead.
This has caused numerous problems in my personal life, in my work life,
in my friendships and relationships. Most significantly, it has made me
feel like I am continuously letting myself down.
After countless recent such events, I have realized that it's time to
cut myself some slack and to start becoming more realistic about who I
am, what I can do and what I'd rather not. With a new job and a growing
family, time is quite rare. As I grow older and more responsible, I need
to learn to be who I am. I need to learn to graciously decline, even at
the cost of upsetting people I love. I know that, otherwise, they will
get much more upset when I do something to please them and end up
feeling resentful and frustrated. I need to learn that people get over
things relatively quickly and those who harbor resentment for not
getting their way aren't worth dealing with.
I need to learn that there's nothing wrong with the Real Me and that
when the Ideal Me starts taking over, I need to pay attention and make
sure that the Real Me can deliver the promises the Ideal Me makes.
Turkey is full of stray cats and dogs. This is even more true in the
island of Burgaz where we spend our summers. Since they are stray, many
of the cats are sick, mangy, and injured. They are still beautiful and I
couldn't help but photograph many. You can find a few more: 1,
2,
3,
4,
5,
6,
and
7.
The trip to Turkey has been quite the growing experience for David. He's
learned to go up and down staircases. He's learned to play pee-a-boo. He
learned that when you run up and down a room with a metal grate, if you
fall, you hurt yourself pretty badly. He discovered playgrounds and slides.
He's also started to exhibit a lot more toddler behavior. When you don't
give him something he wants, he covers his face and turns his back to
you. He crunches up his eyebrows and gives you a look that defines
"That's not fair!" He stomps his feet. He throws himself on the floor
and complains. He has adopted a variety of faces from "Oh, Come On!" to
"You're Mean."
Despite the recent behavior, he's still pure joy to be with and poses
quite well.
I've noticed a few days ago that I am at my most thankful lately. I
absolutely adore my husband and my son. I am finally living somewhere I
love. I am surrounded by old and good friends. I am looking forward to a
wonderful new job. I love my new house. I am making tangible progress on
the driving thing. I can't imagine my life getting much better than this.
Alice is the nanny of one of my childhood friends. It's been over 12
years since I last saw her, so as soon as I did, I snapped this shot.
You can see some of my other portraits from the Istanbul trip here.
We spent our last three nights in Istanbul, at the Bebek Hotel. Even
though it was unbearably hot, we took frequent walks and I kept wanting
to take snapshots of this amazing door. I finally remembered to bring my
camera and took this photo and another.
So there are a few drafts I had left in my inbox before I started working at Google. I am going to try to post those (all have to do with books) first. I found out about Not Fade Away in someone's blog and decided to pick it up. I read the whole book in one day and enjoyed it very much. Here are a few quotes that really spoke to me:
And this, unfortunately, brings me to one of the most excruciating incidents of my childhood - one of those awful moments, totally trivial in itself, that you literally spent your whole life getting over. I tell this story as a plea to parents, coaches, teachers: For God's sake, be careful what you say when a child messes up!
This is one of my biggest pet-peeves. Parents who speak without thinking, parents who think their children have the same sensitivity level they have. Parents who scar you forever.
It would have been easy to finish that degree - easier than bolting. With the degree in hand, it would have been easier for me to land a job with one of the status quo watchdogs that with anybody else. Once I had the job, it would have been easier to amend my own beliefs that to change the organization.
Thus, by increments so exquisitely gradual that they might have just passed unnoticed, I could have ended up being totally untrue to myself and living a life I hated. Twenty years later, I might have had a closet full of suits, a passport full of visas, and and irreparable feeling that I'd really blown it.
Another beautifully poignant point. It's sad and amazing how quickly and quietly we lose control of our lives. How we wake up suddenly, years later, and we can't remember why we are where we are and how we got there. How easy it is to take the next easy step without thinking why and whether it's still a step on your eventual destination (assuming you still remember your eventual destination.)
It's funny, in a way - our society warns us about the temptations of wealth and power, about the slender chances of a rich man getting into Heaven. But poverty has its pitfalls, too. Too little dough can erode a person's ethics and values just as easily as too much.
Another pre-work book I read was Now Discover Your Strengths. Recommended by many and an interesting read. Especially in this way:
This fixation with weakness is deeply rooted in out education and upbringing. We presented parents with this scenario: Say your child returns home with the following grades: and A in English, an A in social studies, a C in biology, and and F in algebra. Which of these grades would you spend the most time discussing with your son or daughter? Seventy-seven percent of parents chose to focus on the F in algebra, only 6 percent on the A in English, and an even more minuscule number, 1 percent, on the A in social studies. Obviously, the algebras grade requires some attention because to progress in school and secure a place at a college or university the child cannot to fail a subject. But the question was phrased carefully: Which of these grades would you spend the most time discussing with your son or daughter? Despite the demands of today's education system, does the most time really deserve to be invested in the child's weakness?
It's quite amazing but totally accurate that we tend to concantrate on our weaknesses and how to make them better instead of using our strengths to circumvent the weaker areas.
Here are a few more I've read since I last posted:
Recommended by a friend: Paypal Wars was a very badly written but really interesting read. Quite interesting to see how many times they came close to closing up shop and how many stupid business decisions were made and how strongly they depended on paypal.
And, of course, The Long Tail. Interesting and thought-provoking read and worthwhile for anyone who doesn't understand the difference between online and offline retail and the potential in both. There are many, many people in the world and their tastes and interests vary drastically.
Asks my innocent father when I tell him how busy my life has been with
work.
It is and it isn't.
It has now been four months since I've started working at Google. Life's
been hectic to say the least. However, it's not the same kind of hectic
I had at my previous jobs. It's tiring and at times overwhelming like
the other jobs were. But it's also invigorating and exciting and
interesting and challenging. Basically, it meets all the criteria I had
when I was looking for a job. And then some...
So the last few months have been busy. When I'm not working or tired
from working, I generally try to hang out with David and Jake. I think
about writing often, but don't actually get around to doing it. As is
the case with every year-end, I decided last week that writing more
often would be good for me. Taking photos more often would be good for
me. And reading more would be good for me. So I plan to do more of all
three. If you don't see me writing for three consecutive days, feel free
to harass me.
All this ambition could be fueled by the almost ten days of
relatively lull activity that is sure to end within 24 hours but I am
still going to give it my best.
I have taken a ton of photos of David and some of Palo Alto. I have read
two books and making good progress on a third. I have even scrapbooked a
few pages. All in the last ten days. Let's see how the next ten days work.
Ok, so I am not doing so great on the "post more" resolution. But I am
working on it, I promise.
I've also read a bunch lately. I wanted to start with something easy so
I grabbed
Good
Grief which has been sitting on my shelf for several months. It was
as chick-litty as it looks but at least not superficial like some of the
other stuff out there so it was a good combination of easy reading but
not too unlikeable.
Then I moved on to The
Lovely Bones which I have purposely been putting off for years. I
hadn't been prepared for the raw horror of it. And I knew it was a great
book but didn't think I wanted to read it. So I finally did and it was
horrible. The book was very well written and I read it in one gulp.
However the story itself was as bone-chilling as I worried it would be
and I got as affected as I thought I would be. So much so that I had to
watch some really silly TV before I'd sleep at night so as to not go to
bed with the book in my mind. I know Alice Sebold has another great book
but until she stops writing about rape, I am not reading another one of
her stories.
Then I moved to my very trusted source of AskMe and as usual, they
didn't let me down. I started with the recommendation of Christoper
Moore and the Palo Alto library had
A
Dirty Job
available immediately so I started with that. And I loved it. I
swallowed the whole book in a day! I loved the subject matter. I loved
his writing style. It was hilarious and I generally am not known for my
sense of humor! I have since checked out another Moore book and let's
see if he's consistent.
I have also checked out 32 other books that I am supposedly going to
read in the next three weeks. I figure if I read another three that will
be major progress.
I can't even remember where I read about Paradox of Choice. All in all, it wasn't the most interesting book I read. I
flipped through a lot of the pages but did read many passages with a
lot of interesting thoughts. There are a lot of passages from this one
and honestly each deserve their own posts, but I figure let's document
this first, I can always come back to them.
Participants in a laboratory study were asked to listen to a pair of
very loud, unpleasant noises played through headphones. One noise lasted
for eight seconds. The other lasted sixteen. The first eighteen seconds
of second noise were identical to the first noise, whereas the second
eight seconds, while still loud and unpleasant, were not as
loud. Later, the participants, were told that they would have to listen
to one of the noises again, but that they could choose which one.
Clearly, the second to be repeated. Why? Because whereas both noises
were unpleasant and had the same aversive peak, the second had a less
unpleasant end, and so was remembered as less annoying than the first.
...
When asked about what they regret the most in the last six months,
people tend to identify actions that didn't meet expectations. But when
asked about what they regret the most when they look back on their lives
as a whole, people tend to identify failures to act. In the short run,
we regret a bad educational choice, whereas in the long run, we regret a
missed educational opportunity. In the short run, we regret a broken
romance, whereas in the long run, we regret a missed romantic
opportunity. So it seems that we don't close the psychological door on
decisions we've made, and as time passes, what we've failed to do looms
larger and larger.
...
The fundamental significance of having control was highlighted in a
study of three-month-old infants done more than thirty years ago.
Infants in one group - those who had control - were placed in a faceup
in an ordinary crib with their heads on a pillow. Mounted on the crib
was a translucent umbrella, with figures of various animals dangling
from the springs inside. These figures were not visible to the infants,
but if the infants turned their heads on the pillows, a small light
would go on behind the umbrella, making the "dancing" figures visible
for a little while. Then the light would go off. When the infants did
turn their heads, just by chance, and turned on the light and saw the
dancing figures, hey showed interest, delight, and excitement. They
quickly learned to keep the figures visible by turning their heads, and
they kept on doing so, again and again. They also continued to show
delight at the visual spectacle. Other infants in the study got a "free
ride." Whenever a "control" infant turned on the light behind the
umbrella in its crib, that action also turned on the light behind
the umbrella in the crib of another infant. So these other infants got
to see the dancing figures just as often and for just as long as their
controlling partners did. Initially, these infants showed just as much
delight in the dancing figures. But their interest quickly waned. They
adapted.
...
People do differ in the types of predispositions they display.
"Optimists" explain success with chronic, global, and personal causes
and failures with transient, specific, and universal ones. "Pessimists"
do the reverse. Optimists say things like "I got an A" and "She gave me
a C." Pessimists say things like "I got a C" and "He gave me an A." And
it is the pessimists who are candidates for depression. When these
predispositions are assessed in people who are not depressed, the
predispositions predict who will become depressed when failures occur.
People who find chronic causes for failure expect failures to persist:
those who find transient causes don't. People who find global causes for
failure expect failure to follow them into every area of life; those who
find specific causes don't. And people who find personal causes for
failure suffer large losses in self-esteem; those who find universal
causes don't.
...
I think the power of nonreversible decisions comes through most clearly
when we think abut our most important choices. A friend once told me how
his minister had shocked the congregation with a sermon on marriage in
which he said flatly that, yes, the grass is always greener. What
he meant was that, inevitably, you will encounter people who are
younger, better looking, funnier, smarter, or seemingly more
understanding and empathetic than your wife or husband. But finding a
life partner is not a matter of comparison shopping and "trading up."
The only way to find happiness and stability in the presence of
seemingly attractive and tempting options is to say, "I'm simply not
going there. I've made my decision about a life partner, so this
person's empathy or that person's good looks really have nothing to do
with me. I'm not in the market - end of story." Agonizing over whether
your love is "the real thing" or your sexual relationship above or below
par, and wondering whether you could have done better is a prescription
for misery, Knowing that you've made a choice that you will not reverse
allows you to pour your energy into improving the relationship that you
have rather than consistently second-guessing it.
...
As the number of choices we face increases, freedom of choice eventually
becomes a tryanny of choice. Routine decisions take so much time and
attention that it becomes difficult to get through the day. In
circumstances like this, we should learn to view limits on the
possibilities we face as liberating not constraining. Society provides
rules, standards, and norms for making choices, and individual
experience creates habits. By deciding to follow a rule (for example,
always wear a seat belt; never drink more than two glasses of wine in
one evening), we avoid having to make a deliberate decision again and
again. This kind of rule-following frees up time and attention that can
be devoted to thinking about choices and decisions to which rules don't
apply.
I am a huge fan of Paulo Coelho. I have read most of his novels and
found every one of them to be thought provoking and un-putdownable. And
The
Devil and Miss Prym was no exception. I read the entire novel in a
day and loved every moment of it. This one is an interesting study of
human morality. Or lack thereof. Books with this topic always make me
think of Lord of the Flies which I think is the ultimate story of human
nature.
Playing the part of a charitable soul was only for those who were afraid
of taking a stand in life. It is always far easier to have faith in your
own goodness than to confront others and fight for your rights. It is
always easier to hear an insult and not retaliate than have the courage
to fight back against someone stronger than yourself; we can always say
we're not hurt by the stones others throw at us, and it's only at night
- when we're alone and our wife our husband or our school friend is
asleep - that we can silently grieve over our own cowardice.
...
Not a single voice in the crowd was raised against the choice. The mayor
was glad because they had accepted his authority; but the priest knew
that this could be a good or a bad sign, because silence does not always
mean consent - usually all it meant was that people were incapable of
coming up with an immediate response. If someone did not agree, they
would later torture themselves with the idea that they had accepted
without really wanting to, and the consequences of that would be grave.
There's something about Paulo Coelho that I completely connect with and
I cannot describe in words.
We
Are All Welcome Here is Elizabeth Berg's newest novel. (There's a
newer one coming out in May.) I am a huge fan of hers and was thrilled
to find this book at the library. To be honest, it wasn't a favorite of
mine. While I thought the story was beautiful and touching, it wasn't as
strong as many of her others. Berg has a distinct skill of writing about
women and not making it cheesy or fluffy.
Three little books from Anna Quindlen, another powerful and strong
female author: Peing
Perfect, How
Reading Changed My Life and A
short Guide to a Happy Life. I was interested in all of these books
but didn't want to pay the list price for such a small book that I knew
would be an hour read.
Thanks to the Palo Alto Library, I finally got my
hands on them and was able to read the lovely little stories which
really should have been essays and not books of their own. To be fair,
the reading book did recommend many awesome books to me that I love.
And finally I just finished Anna Quindlen's latest book, Rise
and Shine. Since the story was about two sisters and took place in
New York, I really looked forward to reading it. Quindlen is a fantastic
author so, of course, the book wasn't bad. However, it wasn't great
either. I felt that she has done and could have done a lot better. The
characters were just not three-dimensional enough.
I didn't feel
sympathetic towards either of the sisters and felt like some of the
major plot points were either implausible or unnecessarily dramatic. I had a pretty hard time getting into the story and I kept waiting for it to get more interesting and for something to happen. And when it finally did, I compeltely didn't believe it. It felt like a cop-out. However, when I got to the end of the book, the last two lines spoke to the core of the story and made me remember why I love her so much.
Another fantastic female author and one of my very favorites is Jane
Smiley. And I am delighted that I'll be getting to hear her talk this
week (cross fingers). Now I need a new book by Anne Tyler and I will be
all set.
When we first moved here, Jake and I drove up to Skyline Drive early in
the morning and I snapped some photos. They've been sitting in the drive
for weeks (months actually) so I thought this would be a good time to
post a few.
As some of you already remembered, David had his second birthday
recently. We were fortunate enough to rent out the MyGym by our house
where David goes to class once a week. It's his favorite place on earth.
The birthday was wonderful and David had a blast. This particular photo
is my favorite photo of David from the day. It might even be one of my
all-time favorites. I tried to explain it to Jake multiple times but I
can't put it into proper words. To me, if you opened the dictionary to
the word bliss, this would be the photo next to it.
We spent President's Day Weekend in Avila Beach, right below San Luis
Obispo. The day we got there, it was raining. We drove 3 hours for
beautiful weather so we were really bummed, but the next day was
beautiful and we had a wonderful time. Especially when we stopped at a
local park on the drive home and David explored all around. As no
holiday tends to be, this was relaxing and grounding.
When you do a writing exercise, teachers tell you to imagine this
peaceful place. A place that's quiet and happy. A place that gets your
creative juices flowing. This is exactly what crossed my mind when I saw
this spot. This is part of a park that's only open to Palo Alto
residents. The park is pretty just like all parks are, but this
particular spot took my breath away.
When David stopped waking up every 35 minutes, we made a pact never to
go into his room in the middle of the night and with few exceptions
we've stuck to the rule. Lately, our little boy picked up two
interesting habits that make us wander what he does behind closed doors.
First of all, he randomly wakes up at all hours and shrieks like his
eyeballs are being plucked right out. The sounds are so scary that
you're convinced he must be bleeding. However, two seconds after I walk
in, he's in great humors and pointing to the door and making the
enthusiastic sounds of "please let me out so I can play."
Secondly, he has managed to master zippers, pants, diapers and any
other forms of clothing such that he can go from fully dressed to stark
naked within seconds. He loves doing this during naps and in the morning
before we even know he's awake. For all we know, he does it in the
middle of the night. What we do know is that we come in and he's naked.
The bed holds what would usually be so well covered by the diaper. Add
to that, the fact that David loves pooping first thing in the morning
and you should have a good visual of our morning surprises.
To get a better sense of exactly what's going on behind the dark, closed
doors, we just bought a baby video monitor. This lets me watch David all
night long and it has quickly become my favorite channel.
When I read A Dirty Job back in January (or was it December?), I loved it so much that I wanted to read more Christopher Moore right away. So I checked out another book by him (The Stupidest Angel) and was really frustrated by how much I didn't like it. A few months ago, I wanted to give it another try, so I checked out Coyote Blue. The book was funny and overall I enjoyed it. However, in the end, it lacked the un-put-downable-ness of A Dirty Job. I want to read more by him cause I do like his unique sense of humor, but I am not sure which of his books to pick up next...
Next to my family, my favorite way to spend time is to read. With the
exception of horror and fantasy, I read and enjoy almost every kind of
book. But every now and then there's that one book that comes along and
stops my whole life. When I find one of those, nothing else much
matters. I completely fall into the story. I take the book with me to
the bathroom. I take it in the car. I read it while I am waiting for the
microwave. I read it as I walk from room to room. I don't put it down
for a second. I am so engulfed in these characters' lives that I don't
want to miss a moment of it.
Today was one of those days and My
Sister's Keeper was that book. I can't even remember why I put this
book on hold. I think I saw it at Walmart (in one of the very rare
occasions I sadly visited this establishment whose politics and employee
treatment I vehemently oppose) and I had heard of the Jodi Picoult many
times before and wanted to read her. I can't tell you what made me pick
up the book last night over the 22 books I have checked out. But I can
tell you that since I picked it up, I didn't put it down until I
finished it. I spent a good time crying afterwards just to get all the
pent up emotion out.
Jodi Picoult has a way with words. Not only does she create the most
relatable characters, but she knows how to take emotions and wrap them
around such simple, natural words that you wonder why no one else
thought to express that emotion in that exact way before. It's like you
know exactly what she means.
This story is tragic. It's horrifying. It's a situation no parent ever
wants to be in. From the outside, you can take sides, you can judge. But
when you see the story from all the points of view, you can see the
conundrum so well. You know there's no easy answer here. Even from the
very beginning, you know it's not going to end well. But still, like the
parents, you keep hoping. But the author doesn't disappoint. She doesn't
cop out. She doesn't create a Hollywood ending. To the contrary, all the
way to the very twist at end, the story holds true to its point.
Life is too short and no one gets to have a say at how things turn out.
No matter what time of the day or week you catch me, I can list five
things I feel guilty about. There are the typical things like the
chocolate I ate a few minutes ago, or the exercise I didn't do, or the
emails sitting in my inbox. Things that are common to everyone's life.
Things that make up New Year's resolutions that never get met. They are
such shared experiences that books are written about them, careers are
made trying to monetize them, and they even have Hallmark cards about them.
`
These pangs of guilt live in the surface of life. The place where you
know it doesn't much matter if I ate chocolate half an hour ago or end
up a size smaller or bigger next week. I know that the inbox will fill
again. I know that the friends will forgive me, and often will be too
busy to write back themselves. All it takes to fix these things is
admitting that while I would love for these issues to disappear, I don't
really want to do the work or sacrifice they will need.
And then there is the big stuff. Spending time with family vs working
all hours of the night. Snapping at my husband when I'm pissed at a
coworker. Ignoring my kid because I am too tired and don't want to deal
with whatever small thing he's frustrated about right then. There are
the things that make you pick sides. Living in America vs being near my
family. Working vs staying home with David. Things that don't come with
right answers. Things that a lot of work might not make go away. Things
that are not obvious.
Those are the cases where I wish someone would pull me aside and tell me
the secret answers. I know that guilt is a wasted
emotion. Yet, I can't help it. I don't want to have to sacrifice one
for the others. I want to know that I can love my son and be there for
him without taking the frustration out on my husband. I want to spend
time with the things I love and my son and get my work done. I want to
do a good job of it all.
I think that's why I take so many pictures of David: to prove I was
there. I saw those moments, I experienced them. The funny thing is, the
camera is the reason I don't end up experiencing them. Capturing the
moment and being in the moment are mutually exclusive. At least for me.
As much as I love the photos, I end up missing out in a bigger way.
Each time I am in one place, doing one thing, I am feeling guilty about
not being in the other place doing the other thing. Guilty that I am not
at home feeding him. Guilty that I didn't go to work early and finish my
overflowing task list. Guilty that I am reading when it's one of the few
hours in the week I get to see my family.
My new plan is to put a stop to all the guilt. Life's too short and
maybe I could see more of David if I didn't work so much. And maybe I
could be more successful at work if I didn't have a family to go home
to. And maybe I could spend more time reading if I didn't have either.
But I do. And I love all of them. And I can enjoy all of them. If only I
can enjoy the moment I am in instead of the one I'm not getting to
experience.
We pick sides all the time. And I am picking mine. I will have it all.
Maybe not simultaneously, maybe not even in equal doses at all times.
But, even the small doses can be magical if I stop worrying about where
I am not and instead enjoy where I am.
I've been here. I know I've been quiet. But I've been here. Working
hard. Working long. Spending all my free time with David and Jake and
scrapbooking and reading and sleeping and watching TV and doing a bunch
of other not very constructive things.
Funny thing is. lately I've been thinking more and more about my life
before. Don't ask me "before what?" Just before. I've been thinking
about all the classes I took, the languages, the saxophone, the
volunteering, the writing, the photography, and now the scrapbooking.
I've done a lot and I like living a full life.
Maybe I'm being too optimistic, but expect some changes soon.
I've recently bought eleven scrapbooking books. I am a big book person
and it only made sense that I would buy books when I decided to
seriously get into this hobby.
At the time, I didn't know that Cathy Zielske's fantastic Clean and Simple Scrapbooking - The Sequel was
exactly what I was looking for. I bought the sequel cause I was sure I had the first one. It turns out I didn't. I had Scrapbooking Made Easy, but not Cathy's first book. I loved this book so much that I am now considering going back and buying the first one.
So why did I like it so much?
Cathy's book is exactly why I scrapbook. It's all about the stories to tell. The essence of the people, of the memories, of the times. The pictures and the story are the most important part of the experience.
The paper, the embellishments; those are there to serve the story better. To draw attention to the photos in the right way, etc. Not that the embellishments are not important or fun, but just that having
the newest and prettiest isn't the only way.
I love her honesty. Her ability to put her feelings and thoughts into words so well and her very clean, crisp designs that look easy to duplicate but really aren't.
If you're into plain and simple looks like I am and want to work on finding the story behind the photos, this is a fantastic book to use to help yourself get there.
I don't know that this is the prettiest layout I've ever done but it's
important for me to store this memory. David's speech is a bit behind
and the doctor told me to go to a speech therapist with him for an
evaluation. I tend to have the personality of a person who'd completely
freak out at this kind of information so I used this layout as therapy
to show myself all the words David does say and how much he's progressed
compared to two months ago.
This is the first layout that David and I are both featured on. I want
to make sure that when he looks back, there are photos of Mommy and
Daddy as well as all of his.
Journaling Reads:
Since I am the official family photographer, there are very few photos
of you and me. I didn't want you to look back years from now and wonder
what your mom looked like back then, so I told Daddy that we're going to
start a new tradition where he takes pictures of you and me once a week.
When it was time for our shoot, I got both of us ready and got the
camera all setup for Daddy. The thing with two-year-olds is that they
don't always adhere to your plans, so even though I thought it was time
for us to have some photos together; you didn't necessarily feel the
same way. You weren't in the mood to have your picture taken; you were
in the mood to play with chalk and to eat cookies.
We decided to go ahead with the shoot anyway and, as expected, most of
the photos came out with you making a funny face or running away. But I
am still so glad we did it because I love looking at the photos,
remembering how much we laughed trying to get you to pose, and now I
have proof of the wonderful times we spend together.
I always tell my clients that posed photos are not special; it's better
to have authentic family moment photos, those that are genuinely you and
couldn't have been created by anyone else. And now we have a set of our
own. Here's to creating more next week.
It's been a while since I've added a new section to the site but I've
finally managed to put together a new section which is mostly about my
relatively new hobby which has recently become mostly a favorite
pasttime (along with books of course.)
In honor of scrapbooking, which brings together my love of photography,
writing, and art, I created a new "create" section: find it here.
I have a lot of posts sitting in queue waiting to get posted. Expect
some blog diarrhea soon.
My good friend Manu got married last night. I had the privilege of being
in the small invitee list. Their wedding was small, intimate, and a
testament to the fact that it's not about anything except for the two
people creating a marriage and a life together. David had the luxury of
spending the night with us and enjoyed staying up until 10:30pm, the
latest he's ever been up. He was well behaved all night and even cheered
when the ceremony was over.
This is my favorite shot from the
wedding. An intimate, genuine moment.
Congratulations, Manu and Hana, may you have a life full of love,
prosperity, luck, and good health.
Another layout inspired by the wonderful Cathy Zielske.
David's one of the nicest humans I've ever met. Despite the fact that he
gets mad ten times a day now, he's the sweetest little boy and while I'd
love to take the credit, I wanted him to know that it's all him. We're
so lucky.
Journaling Reads:
People who've never had kids have a tendency to think that parents
should have full control of their children at all times. When a kid
misbehaves, they think he or she has parents who don't know how to raise
kids and when a kid is well behaved, they think the parents raised him well.
I think I was mostly a sad girl. I was shy and I cried a lot. Daddy, on
the other hand, was a happy little boy. I don’t think his parents did
anything too different than mine. So I was really nervous and I wanted
to make sure I did it all correctly with you to ensure you "turned out
well."
As it turns out; you're the world's best boy, ever. You're such a happy
boy that everyone loves you. You're kind and don't ever hit anyone. If
others attack you, you just walk away. You say hi to everyone and even
give them a hug. You're cute and charming and know how to flirt. You are
self-reliant and can play with a toy for hours. You love to draw so when
we go out to restaurants, eating a full meal is rarely a problem for us.
You love us and you show it regularly. You're never stingy with your
hugs and lately you've started giving us big kisses multiple times a
day. You love both your parents equally. You can get annoyed easily but
you recover quickly and never hold a grudge. It's really easy to make
you laugh.
Of course you have your set of flaws, but overall you're such a
pleasant, easy going, loveable boy that Daddy and I couldn't have asked
for anything more. I'd love to take all the credit for "how well you
turned out," but I know it has nothing to do with me. It even has
nothing to do with Daddy. While we love you very much and work hard to
be good parents, all the credit for your wonderful personality is yours.
It's in the core of who you are, in your essence.
You just are the most amazing kid ever and we're lucky to have the
privilege of being your parents.
MORE BOOKS: THE GREAT, THE NOT-SO-GREAT, AND THE SO-SO
I've been trying hard to read a book a week again. Some weeks I do well,
and others, not as well. But reading is really important to me. It's my
way of recharging, escaping, learning and growing. So I am working to
feed this need. I wanted to make sure to track all the books I've read.
So here's a post about my last few books that I haven't posted about.
Marley
and Me was a book I'd been meaning to read for a long, long time. I
finally checked it out a few months ago and was mostly disappointed.
Maybe that's why I'd been putting it off for a long time. I sort of had
a hunch that it wouldn't be great. I can't even put my finger on what I
didn't like about it and it was heart-warming and all that. It just
didn't do it for me.
Once I discovered Picault, you knew I was going to read so very much
more of her, and of course, I did. I first read Vanishing
Acts and wasn't nearly as impressed as I'd been with My Sister's
Keeper. I wondered if that book was an anomaly, an exceptional book, a
formula that can't be repeated. I wasn't sure but I so badly didn't want
it to be true. This is not to say I didn't like Vanishing Acts. It was
so-so. If I hadn't already read the other one, I probably would have
loved it. But I'd seen what she was capable of and I wanted more. So
much more.
So then I picked up Ninteeen Minutes which was fabulous. Made me feel good about Jodi
Picoult again. The story was gripping and even though I knew there would
be a twist at the end, I was still surprised and loved every moment of
reading this story. Kudos to any writer who can take a really difficult
issue like school shootings and making an amazing story out of it so
it's about how hard it is to be yourself. How much we need to fit in.
How much it can hurt to be teased and mercilessly made fun of. People
who haven't had the abuse on that level can never understand how
life-changing and soul-changing it can be. This book illustrates it
wonderfully from many points of view. All interesting. Still not as good
as My Sister's Keeper but quite a fantastic book.
I can't even remember where I read about Welcome
to Oz but I am glad I did. The techniques shown by the author look
easy here but they are not. I loved all the details about the light and
the black and white techniques. Shows me that I have a long, long way to
go before I can call myself a Photoshop connoisseur. I love his effects.
I love his patience. I love his work. The drama, the story, the color.
It's all quite wonderful. This is one book, I've checked out multiple
times just to make sure I can master his skills.
The Palo Alto library has a special section reserved for new books and
when I go in to checkout a hold, I always try to visit this section,
just to see. That's how I discovered The
Lavender Hour and while I wouldn't call it literature, it was a
wonderful read. I loved the writing, the story, and the characters.
Controversial topic, maybe, but mostly just a love story. If you need an
easy, little book, this one isn't the worst choice.
Some
Nerve was another pick from the library's new books section. It's
nothing special. Easy, quick read about a gossip magazine writer who
tries to write about an actor, can't and gets fired. Returns back to her
hometown, only to find that the same author is checked into the hospital
where she volunteers. Isn't that a lovely coincidence? Life's full of
them. But books have even more. Not the worst book I've ever read but
also not the best. A sweet, little book.
The
Life You Longed For was creepy, scary and a blazing fast read. The
worst possible subject ever: a mother hurting her kid, taken to an even
more terrible level: not actually hurting the kid but accused of doing
so. This is a perfect example of how good intentions can go bad and ruin
lives and be the wrong thing to do. It sad, scary and very engrossing.
I read Still
Life with Husband really quickly, which would normally imply that I
loved it. Fact is, when I finished, I didn't know how I felt about it.
It took me a couple of days to really hate the book. Now, I am pretty
certain, I absolutely abhorred it. Terrible story. No plot worth
mentioning. Unrealistic, stupid ending. No empathy or even sympathy
towards the characters. Just could not enjoy this book.
Dark
Oval was another really fast read. About loss and sadness. The idea
of losing Jake is so tremendously scary to me that I wanted to be
finished with this book quickly just so I didn't have to think about the
possibility of his death. Life can be depressing, ironic and so very
frustrated. I thought this book was realistic. Depressing but realistic
and a wonderful read.
Considering the fact that The Kite Runner was my favorite book of 2005,
it was predictable that I would buy his second book the second it came
out. A
Thousand Splendid Suns is a wonderful, wonderful story. While it can
never be as good as Kite Runner, this one has its own special place
since it's about women and not men. It's about the friendship of two
otherwise very different women. It's touching, thought-provoking,
depressing, heart-wrenching. It's amazing how much he can educate his
readers about Afghanistan without any preaching or anything boring. I'm
from the area, I normally dont' enjoy reading stories about the Middle
East. But he is an exception. I love his books. I devour them. I can't
wait until the next one.
This is by far one of my least favorite layouts. I wanted to do
something interesting like use chalk combined with the stamping but I
never really liked the outcome. I could do it over again, but I try not
to do that, so I've left it alone. I love the memory behind the photos,
so I am keeping it and just smiling each time I remember this day.
Journaling Reads: On our way back from Los Angeles, we stopped at
Michael's so I could buy some scrapbooking stuff. I couldn't really find
anything I was looking for, but you found a box of sidewalk chalk and
life was suddenly such a wonderful place. You carried it out of the
store, held on to it all the way home and wouldn't even let go while we
undressed you. You hugged the box of chalk all night and were thrilled
when we finally got to open it the next morning.
As we both wrote all over the backyard, you practiced your letters and
numbers, and learned all your colors. You even learned the word chalk.
Which has since become your favorite word. You ask for the chalk every
time we go outside and love drawing everywhere. Who knew a $2 present
would make you so happy?
A few months ago, I applied to Creating Keepsakes Magazine's Sccrapbooker
of the Year because I am crazy. I figured, "Why not take the chance
to push myself and create 20 layouts?" Anyhow, I ended up making a few
too many and this is one of the ones that didn't make the cut. I'll be
posting a few more of the ones that didn't make the cut in the next few
minutes. Once the results are announced in 10 days, I'll post all the
others too.
Here's another layout that didn't make the SOY cut. Something is off
with this one. I think it's the title. Too small. But it's such a cute
story that I still wanted to keep it and love thinking of David running
around in Daddy's helmet.
Journaling Reads: They say boys love their mommies and you sure
do love me, but the person you most like to imitate is Daddy. You love
wearing Daddy's shoes all over the house. You love playing with the
books on his side of the bed. You love going into his office and raiding
his desk.
So it should have come to us as no surprise that you wanted to try
Daddy's helmet when you saw it lying around. You picked it up and tried
it on, and then you walked over to Daddy and put it on him, and just to
make sure, you put it on me and then you decided it looked the best on
you so you put it back on your head and giggled.
You look like Daddy even when you're not trying his stuff on, so when
you're wearing his helmet and his shoes, it's like mini-Daddy is running
around the house.
Ali is an inspiration to thousands and I am no exception. I love her
style, her attitude, her creativity, and her generosity of spirit. One
day, I would love to meet her. Until then, I will have to do with the
layouts. I must say that the layouts in this book don't even speak to me
the way Cathy's do but there are little bits and pieces of inspiration
all over these books and I use both of them regularly for inspiration
and good ideas. I know Ali's coming out with another book this fall and
I also know that I am going to have to buy it. If she's doing it, I know
it will be worth the money and the time.
If Cathy isn't your style, and you're looking for the one and only one
book to buy, it would have to be Stacy Julian's The
Big Picture... Scrapbook Your Life and a Whole Lot More. Stacy is
fantastic. She's inspiring. She's funny. She's creative. She's great at
simplifying. She's great at organizing. She's great for giving you
fantastic ideas. But mostly, she's great at shifting the way you think
about scrapbooking. If you're struggling with your scrapbooking, pick up
her book. It will change your life. At least your scrapbooking. That's a
promise.
Here's another one I've loved to bits: 101
Things You Can Do With Your Scrapbook Supplies was mostly an impulse
buy since on all the boards I read, everyone said it was fantastic. And
they weren't lying. The book is great. Full of great, little ideas. I
dogeared a lot of the pages to make sure I'd remember to try them out.
There are some gems in this book, so if you're looking for some
practical, useful ideas and not just looking for general, overall
inspiration, this is a great find.
I also own two Autumn Leaves books: Perfectly
Clear and The
Look Book. While I am a fan of all things Rhonna Farrer, I just
never got into these books. I liked the stamping one because it had some
interesting ideas and since I own too many stamps, it's always good to
have a set of ideas to try. But these books just didn't speak to me. Not
in the way that the others inspired me.
I still have a few more books from my spree and I'm sure I'll be buying
some more real soon. Like Cathy's first book....
Paulo Coelho never ceases to amaze me. While his latest, The
Witch of Portobello, is a bit weirder than usual in my opinion, it's
no less thought provoking than his usual. Here are a few excerpts that
spoke to me.
"What is a teacher? I'll tell you: it isn't someone who teaches
something, but someone who inspires the student to give of her best in
order to discover what she already knows."
...
"I've always been a very restless person. I work hard, spend too much
time looking after my son, I dance like a mad thing, I learned
calligraphy, I go to courses on selling, I read one book after another.
But that's all a way of avoiding those moments when nothing is
happening, because those blank spaces give me a feeling of absolute
emptiness, in which not a single crumb of love exists. My parents have
always done everything they could for me, and I do nothing but
disappoint them. But here, during the time we spent together,
celebrating nature and the Great Mother, I've realized that those empty
spaces were starting to get filled up. They were transformed into pauses
- the moment when the man lifts his hand from the drum before bringing
it down again to strike hard. I think I can leave now..."
...
Everything is at once so simple and so complicated! It's simple because
all it takes is a change of attitude: I'm not going to look for
happiness anymore. From now on, I'm independent; I see life through my
eyes and not through other people's. I'm going in search of the
adventure of being alive.
And it's complicated: Why am I not looking for happiness when everyone
has taught me that happiness is the only goal worth pursuing? Why am I
going to risk taking a path that no one else is taking?
After all, what is happiness?
Love, they tell me. But love doesn't bring and never has brought
happiness. On the contrary, it's a constant state of anxiety, a
battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if
we're doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.
All right then, peace. Peace? If we look at the Mother, she's never at
peace. The winter does battle with the summer, the sun and the moon
never meet, the tiger chases the man, who's afraid of the dog, who
chases the cat, who chases the mouse, who frightens the man.
Money brings happiness. Fine. In that case, everyone who earns enough to
have a high standard of living would be able to stop working. But then
they're more troubled than ever, as if they were afraid of losing
everything. Money attracts money, that's true. Poverty might bring
unhappiness, but money won't necessarily bring happiness.
I spent a lot of my life looking for happiness; now what I want is joy.
Joy is like sex - it begins and end. I want pleasure. I want to be
contended, but happiness? I no longer fall into that trap
.....
Reprogram yourself every minute of each day with thoughts that make you
grow. When you're feeling irritated or confused, try to laugh at
yourself. Laugh out loud at this woman tormented by doubts and
anxieties, convinced that her problems are the most important thing in
the world. Laugh at the sheer absurdity of the situation, at the fact
that despite being a manifestation of the Mother, you still believe God
is a man who lays down the rules. Most of our problems stem from just
that - from following rules.
....
"...Like love for example. People either feel it or they don't, and
there isn't a force in the world that can make them feel it. We can
pretend that we love each other. We can get used to each other. We can
live a whole lifetime of friendship and complicity, we can bring up
children, have sex every night, reach orgasm, and still feel that
there's a terrible emptiness about it all, that something important is
missing."
Here's another recent layout. This was for a transparency competition
over at AMM. Hard to see
the effect from a photo.
Journaling Reads:
I guess it's only fair that a picky eater like me would get a picky
little boy. The list of foods you eat is teeny tiny. Thankfully, you
like a lot of fruits. But not much else. Here's all you eat without a
fight:
Pear
Apple
Grapes
Bananas
Blueberries
Strawberries
Graham Crackers
Veggie Burgers
Meatballs
Cheese
Yogurt
Bread
So Jake and I have been watching the Tour De France. We got hooked on
the Tour four years ago. We watched it minute by minute in 2004 and
2005. Last year we missed it because we were in Turkey, but this year,
we upgraded our Dish subscription just so we can get Versus and we've
been watching it since day one.
So, of course, we started by rooting by Leipheimer. But then he was
obviously not going to make it and while I loved Rasmussen's drive, I
was still rooting for The Discovery Team, so Contador it was. During
today's stage, I kept waiting for Contador to take off. Waiting and
waiting and waiting. And then Rasmussen took off. And I got bummed.
So you'd think that once I read the news about Rasmussen being fired by
his team (due to lying about where he was and missing drug tests), I'd
be dancing on my coffee table.
But I am not.
I wanted Contador or Levi to win because they deserved it and because
they rightfully beat Rasmussen by riding faster for the time trial or
something like that. Not that they don't deserve it but this is such a
bummer way.
It's all so sad. Rasmussen. Vinokourov. Moreni. Not to mention all those
who were suspended last year and didn't even get to ride this year. Why,
oh why?
I was looking forward to tomorrow's time trial very much, especially
since it's not Rasmussen's forte and it might have changed the race. But
now looks like Contador will win by elimination. Not really the way I
wanted it to turn out. Reduces the excitement considerably.
Bleh, not my favorite layout. Just didn't have the creativity flowing
tonight. Oh well, still love the memory.
Journaling Reads: One dollar. One single dollar. That's how much we paid for the cash
register that you've been playing with night and day for the last two
weeks. You love it so much, you carry it around with you everywhere you
go. Daddy's taught you how to put a coin at the top and see it come out
on the side. That's your favorite game.
But sometimes the coin gets stuck. Then, you look at me and say, "Where
it go?" You pick up the register and shake it around. When you're
satisfied with the amount of shaking you've done, you press the button
and scream with joy at the sight of the coin.
You play thins game hundreds of times a day. Your level of joy at
discovering the coin never dissipates. Your enthusiasm is catching and
soon Daddy and I are laughing, too. Who knew a toy we bought for a buck
would spread this much joy to our whole family?
I have been a big Elizabeth Berg fan for quite some time. During my
pregnancy, I went through a period during which I read all of her adult
novels. I've also spent a good four years writing novels of my own, so
it should come as no surprise that I picked up and devoured Escaping
into the Open, the Art of True Writing.
Back in the days when I wrote all the time, I read every book known to
man on writing. Anne Lamott, Lawrence Block, Natalie Goldberg. You name
it, I read it. And while this book may be a bit more about her than
writing compared to some other books, a bit less inspiring than Anne or
Natalie, a bit less instructional than Lawrence, it's actually a
balanced combination of all. It's inspiring. It's full of good,
practical ideas, and it covers all aspects of writing. It talks about
fiction and non-fiction. It talks about how to come up with ideas. It
gives plenty of prompts. It talks about getting published. It even talks
about reactions from friends and loved ones. (while many at amazon
thought this was vain, I actually really thought it was pithy to mention
it.)
Most importantly, it made me want to write again. And isn't that the
point, after all?
I must admit, I've been rejected from many things before and for many
reasons, but I have yet to be rejected for being too young. A book club
here just rejected me because they said I was too young to join them. If
at 32, I am too young, I suppose I should take that as a compliment!
What's amazing is how much rejection hurts, even being rejected from the
smallest things. Even when you know you have no hope of getting
accepted. I try out for things, just to encourage myself to get projects
completed. And then when I don't get accepted or win, I feel so sad.
Sometimes I feel sad for days. Even though, mentally, I know there was
no chance or that it doesn't mean anything, emotionally it's not
possible to ignore the rejection.
The good thing is, it doesn't seem to have stopped me from trying to
submit, however I don't know if that's the answer either. Why is it so
important to me that others accept my work? Why do I need an "official"
stamp of approval? Why can't my work be enough for me? I think I really
need to think hard about the answers to these questions so that I know
what my motivations are. If all this is just to seek approval, I need to
find other forms of it. If it's to stretch myself and give myself
deadlines, those are good reasons. The best thing about those reasons is
that they don't depend on the outcome. By the time I submit my work, I
have already completed something and I have also stretched myself. Those
should be enough to feel good.
If I am going to submit my work and keep putting myself out there, I
think it's important to keep that in mind.
Rejection is part of day to day life. We get rejected in small and big
ways regularly. Just like we get accepted in small and big ways. It's
important to celebrate the acceptances and grow from the rejections
without taking them personally. I need to remind myself of this
regularly. I need to stop diminishing the good and exaggerating the bad.
I know I have this terrible personality flow where if someone thinks I
am great, I quickly stop respecting or looking up to that person. I
figure they must not know what they are talking about. And if someone
doesn't think I am hot shit, why they must be totally right.
Last week, David was fake sneezing. We thought it was so funny that we
decided to videotape it. While going through the footage we took, we saw
this little scene where David's trying to pull the broken, green leg of
a toy and struggling really hard with it. When Jake laughs at him, David
notices that we're noticing him and gives this fantastic nervous laugh.
It makes me laugh each time I watch it so I wanted to share it. Maybe
you have to be his mom, but even if it's just for my enjoyment, I wanted
to preserve this moment.
And let's top off the evening with a recent layout.
Journaling Reads:
David, my favorite memories of the last few weeks are from the fifteen
minutes we spend every week trying to capture photos of you and me.
A few weeks ago, I complained to Daddy that there weren't enough photos
of the two of us, since I am the official family photographer. So we
started these weekly sessions and you have quickly learned not to
cooperate.
When we go out in the yard, you think we're going out to play, so when I
tell you to sit down, you quickly get annoyed with me. You completely
ignore me and walk in the opposite direction. You find a random toy and
act like I am not calling out to you. This is when I start to improvise:
I bribe, I tickle, I beg, I do whatever it takes for you to give me a hug.
Each time we do these sessions, Daddy and I give up after ten minutes,
admitting that you just will not play along. So imagine my surprise when
I download the photos and find some of the most precious photos I've
ever seen.
When I look at them, I can't help but smile. Daddy did a perfect job of
capturing the joy of loving you and the laughter that you have brought
into my life. I am so thankful for each and every day we get to spend
together.
Journaling Reads:
Every mom thinks her kid is perfect. He sits up the first. He has
perfect manners. He learns quickly. He never hits. He's an angel.
Well, my little boy, you're no angel. You throw six tantrums before
lunch. You hate eating veggies and won't swallow one unless I mush them
and mix them with yogurt. When you don't get your way, you lie flat on
the floor and make your whole body go limp so I cannot make you get back
on your feet. You find a way to get your hands on every one of our
things no matter where we hide them and how safe we think they are from
you. When we call for you from one side of the house to the other, all
we hear is a resounding "No!" coming from the room where you're wreaking
havoc. You still can't put two words together to form a sentence (except
for "No Way!" which you've mastered.) You hate having your hair washed
and will run out of the bathtub at the sight of the shampoo bottle. You
hate circle time and refuse to be a part of it. You're impatient and
won't wait for your turn in line, instead you will scream like your arm
is being chopped off until some mom takes mercy on me and lets you cut
in line.
Yes, my son, you're not perfect.
But, you're sweet and kind. You are an equal opportunity hug giver. If
you hug me, you run around the house until you can find Daddy so you can
hug him, too. If you eat something you like, after you take a bite, you
reach over and give me a bite as well. With a paper and pen, you can
play by yourself for hours. You will not hurt, push, or shove another
kid. Ever. You say hi to everyone and give them one of your magical
smiles. In case they didn't hear you well, you say ten more hi's, louder
and with more enthusiasm each time until they can't help but laugh. You
get very excited by dogs, birds, cats, and bugs, but you won't ever hurt
them. You crouch slowly and watch them from a distance. When you eat
something you like, you go "Mmmmmm," persistently until I reciprocate.
You let me tickle you even when you're mad. You love running around the
house with me chasing you. You giggle loudly as you run and you look
back every few seconds just to make sure I'm still there. When I leave
for work in the mornings, you come to the door and wave "bye." When I
put you down at night, you blow me big, loud kisses and then say "shhh"
and "bye" before you lie down. You are so full of love that it pours out
of your eyes.
I love that you're not perfect, David. I love that you're a little human
being and like all of us, you have your bad moments and your good ones.
I love that we get to celebrate every day together. I love that you're
in my life. You are my life. - march 2007
Here are a bunch of old layouts from months ago and even though now it
seems like I've already changed my style. But I love the photos and I
love the journaling in many of them so here goes nothing.
After you woke up form your nap, you were groggy and grouchy, but then
you found the little Halloween bag where you'd stashed all your Easter
candy. You took your little bag and ran out to the backyard, so you
could enjoy your treats in peace. I knew this would be a good
opportunity, so I grabbed my camera and followed you. Each time I got
close, you moved to another corner. So finally, I just stepped back, and
shot from a distance so you could enjoy the last bits of your wonderful
Easter day.
Journaling Reads:
When I told my mom that we were going to teach you sign language, she
thought I was crazy. "What if he never speaks?" she asked. "Kids who
grow up learning sign language don't become mute just because they can
learn to talk with their hands," I replied patiently. It turns out
babies who are taught sign language have higher IQs and bigger
vocabularies by the time they are in elementary school. But that's not
why I wanted to teach it to you; I just wanted to help you communicate
earlier so you got frustrated less.
In the beginning I didn't make enough of an effort, but even with that,
you quickly mastered milk, more, food, and the other basics. As you grew
older you'd make the signs with the sounds and now you still sign even
though you can also say the words. When you see a dog, you
simultaneously say "woof, woof," sign your version of dog, and scream
"doooog!" You're only two and can already understand three languages.
Who's crazy now?
Journaling Reads:
Today I stayed home from work. It was a day full of firsts. We went to
MyGym for free play and you said, "slide" for the first time. You played
Simon Says for the first time. You told me to sit across from you so we
could rock back and forth in the rocking boat. When we were in the
backyard, you told me you were pooping. Today, we went to an Italian
restaurant for dinner and you sat on the bench, right next to me, and
behaved beautifully.
David, I know you have firsts every day of your life and I know I miss
thousands of them. I'm always sad about missing all those special
moments that we will never get to have together and all the memories I
won't get to capture.
But today was an exception. Today I got to experience them all. I got to
soak you in and I got to be a part of the person whom I love, the little
boy who's changing every minute of every day.
Journaling Reads:
This week you've learned all the letters of the alphabet and most of the
numbers. I love hearing you practice constantly.
But what I love even more is how much more loving you've become. You now
sit next to me on the couch, put your arm on my shoulder, and bring your
cheek right next to mine. It's the most wonderful feeling in the entire
world.
Our moment lasts about four minutes before you're bored and off to
discover your daily adventures. Those four minutes are the very favorite
moments of my day.
Journaling Reads:
You have many toys you like to play with, but nothing makes you jump
with joy as much as balls. Balls in all shapes and sizes are your
favorite things to play with. When Daddy found his box of old squash
balls, he put them on the floor and waited for you to discover them. It
didn't take you very long. When you saw the little, unopened boxes, you
meticulously picked up, turned over, tried to open, and finally tore
through every box. There were over fifteen boxes and each time you
successfully opened one, you yelled, "A ball!!" with enthusiasm. The
excitement didn't diminish one bit from the first box to the sixteenth.
You childish wonder and joy made us laugh every single time. My amazing
son, I hope you never lose the enthusiasm with which you live your life.
Journaling Reads:
Your dad and I both know that if we're sitting in the living room and
you're playing in another room, all is good as long as you're making
noise. When the house suddenly gets quiet, we know you're doing
something you shouldn't be, so we run to find you.
Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch, reading, and listening to you
play in the main room. When you got all quiet, I panicked and rushed to
the room, only to find you sitting at the dinner table, like a big boy,
eating your raisins one by one. Seeing you like that made me realize how
quickly you're growing up. How sweet you are and how you enjoy your
peaceful and quiet moments along with the crazy, fun ones.
Journaling Reads:
Today you found a pen in your drawer. You took the envelope on the floor
and ran away to the living room. Normally, I'd run after you to make
sure you're not drawing all over the walls, but I didn't. I was busy, so
I let you go.
A few minutes later, when I came to the living room, I found you on the
couch, quietly drawing on your envelope. Not on the walls, not on the
couch, just on the envelope.
I love that you love to draw and I hate that we can't give you pens all
the time because you haven't learned to differentiate between walls and
paper yet. I want to encourage you. I love looking at what you create.
How hard you concentrate and how much you obviously enjoy it.
Journaling Reads:
When I go through the rolls of photos I take of you, I always run into a
few pictures where I feel like I am intruding on a private moment. Since
you're not talking much, yet, I haven't had the opportunity to discover
how your mind works and I am very curious. When you're sitting in the
little white chair in the backyard by yourself, what are you thinking?
When you're looking far away, not responding to any of my questions,
what are you thinking? When you're so lost in your own world that you
don't even notice the click of the camera, what are you thinking?
Little boy, I can't wait until you're fully talking. I can't wait to see
how your mind works and all the thoughts that occupy your time. I can't
wait to hear all your questions and I can't wait for you to stump me. I
can't wait to explain things to you and see your mind working to digest
them, only to come up with new questions to push the boundaries of your
knowledge, and mine.
I can't wait to tell you all about why the sky is blue and the grass is
green. I can't wait to hear your thoughts about the clouds and the bugs
that you so love to watch. I can't wait to get to a place where your
speech skills catch up with your obvious need and wish to communicate.
Until then, I will look at these photos and wonder: what are you
thinking?
Journaling Reads:
Before you were born, I promised myself that I would be a happy person.
I kept reading stories about kids who grew up with sad moms and how they
blamed themselves for the sorrow. I used to get sad easily and I told
myself that it would have to stop that. You deserved better and I was
determined to make it happen. I put positive, inspirational messages all
over the house and reminded myself daily that my attitude was going to
change. I wasn't sure how it would happen since I had been this way for
thirty years and old habits die hard, but I refused to worry about the
how and just knew that it would have to happen. You deserved that much.
I would work night and day if I had to.
It turns out that much effort was completely unnecessary. The moment you
came out, my personality shifted. I felt healthier and happier. More
fulfilled. I thought it might be the high from the birth and later the
hormones from nursing. I kept making up reasons for why my sad old self
hadn't returned. I waited for it to rear its ugly head any moment now.
Two years after the birth, even after the breastfeeding, I am still
happy, David. I think it's time for me to admit that it's just you. You
make me happy. Your joyful sounds, your funny imitations, even your
crazy tantrums make my day. Lately, you started imitating the car
sound. You close your hands into fists and put them in a circle like
you're driving a car and then you run around the house, moving your
hands back and forth, making the noise, and spitting everywhere in the
process. Your dad and I can't help but laugh. You are a perfect little
boy when it comes to entertaining yourself and your exuberance and joy
is contagious. Thank you, little boy, for making me a truly happier person.
That's what photography is all about: freezing a magical moment.
That's what scrapbooking is all about: taking a magical moment and
keeping it for eternity. Getting the opportunity to relive it over and
over again, long after it's erased from our memory.
When Daddy captured this very magical moment between us, I knew it was
the perfect picture for me to preserve forever.
Years from now, you will be living in your own house, with your own
family, creating your own magical moments. When that time comes, I hope
you'll look back on these pages and smile at the moments we had
together. At the joy we shared. At our laughter.
And show your children that having magical moments and preserving them
is our family tradition.
Journaling Reads:
Daddy and I are quite religious about what time we put you down. We had
some problems getting you to stay asleep in the early months, so we
adopted a very structured routine and have stuck to it every day.
Until a few weeks ago.
Our good friends, Manu and Hana decided to get married right during the
time we put you to bed, so instead of getting a babysitter, we decided
to bring you along. We figured if you stay up late for one night, it
wouldn't make the world end. I didn’t tell Daddy but I was nervous about
how you might behave and whether we'd have to leave during the ceremony.
But I was wrong.
You were an angel the whole time. You read your book, ate bread, drank
water, played with crayons and even cheered at the end when everyone
clapped. At the end of the night, when it got dark, the restaurant lit
up little candles all along the tables. You'd never seen such little
fires before and you were absolutely fascinated with them. Looking at
them, touching them, and especially blowing them out. You leaned into
the little flames and puffed as hard as you could. I was having so much
fun watching you that I forgot to tell you not to do it.
My little David, it turns out the world doesn't end when we keep you up
once in a blue moon. It can even be a little bit of fun.
Journaling Reads:
"David, do you want to go to bed?"
*
"No!"
"David, do you want to stay up?"
"No"
"David, do you want to play all night?"
"No"
"David do you want some blue berries?"
(...pause...)
"Yea!"
You still don't understand most of what I say so I love playing
the "No" game with you. No matter what I ask, you just say no. It
doesn't matter if I say two sentences that are exact opposites.
Your rule of thumb is to never agree to anything you don't
understand. Until you recognize a word, at which point the answer
becomes an enthusiastic "Yes!"
Little David, I know that you will soon understand everything I
say and these games will disappear forever. I wanted to make sure
we saved the memory so we could look back years later and laugh at
your clever way of playing it safe.
Journaling Reads:
You like to hide things in the most obscure places. I open a drawer in
the bathroom and find graham crackers and a sippy cup full of water. Our
drain pipes are home to little, colorful balls that you've tucked away.
The basketball pole has a piece of toast with cream cheese in it. The
list goes on and on.
You're curious about every nook and cranny of the house. You think of
the most creative storage places and I don't think you remember 80% of
the places you leave your stuff in and, often times, they sit there
until I stumble upon them, sometimes weeks later. At times, you find
them yourself and laugh with joy at your discovery.
Little David, life with you never has a dull moment. Each time I uncover
a new storage space you made up, I marvel at your creativity. It's
become a daily game for me. I wake up and I can't wait to see the new
set of surprises you've left me.
Journaling Reads: You love all toys but balls have a special place in your heart. Even if it's not yours, when there's a ball around you, you must play with it.
Journaling Reads:
Two-year-olds are famous for their tantrums and lack of patience, and
you're no exception. You have such a predictable pattern that I can
almost time you. Here are the steps we go through multiple times a day:
• You want something.
• I tell you that you can't have it.
• You repeat your ask, insisting as if I didn't understand what you were
saying and that must be why I am refusing you.
• I tell you that I heard you but that's something you can't have.
• You simultaneously stomp your foot and say, "I'm MAD!"
• I tell you not to be mad and try to explain to you why you can't have
it. When I can see that won't work, I try to steer you in a different
direction.
• You let your body go limp and start throwing the books off the table,
or hit me.
• Now I am angry and I give you a serious look to indicate what you did
was not the right way to handle your feelings.
• You walk to a convenient wall, lean your head away from me, and start
crying.
• I keep talking to you softly and trying to redirect your attention.
• Finally, you give up and come to give me a hug. Within seconds, we're
laughing.
We laugh, giggle, and forget all about it. At least until the next time
you find something you can't have.
My son, I know it's frustrating to not be able to have everything you
want and I know it's annoying to not be express yourself clearly, but I
promise it will get better with time. I love you very much and I wish
you were a bit more patient and got a little less mad. While your
routine is so predictable and almost funny at this point, it still
breaks my heart a little each time I see those tears come flooding down.
Journaling Reads:
My beautiful son, there are many things I love about you. I love you
big, blue eyes and how they shine with excitement when you discover
something new. I love your warm and cuddly hugs. I love it when you lie
on me and let me hold you. I love your generosity and your kindness. I
love your curiosity. I love your desire to learn.
But most of all, I love how you make me laugh. How you squeal with joy
each time I play games with you and how you react with such raw
happiness that it makes me laugh genuinely and openly. I love how much
laughter and joy you've brought into my life.
Journaling Reads:
Little boys your age cannot sit still for more than three minutes. They
run from place to place and destroy everything along the way. You
certainly cause your share of destruction but I am always amazed at the
length of your attention span.
A week ago, we went to the Google family picnic and I was worried that
you'd quickly lose interest and want to come back home. But, I was
totally wrong. One of the areas was full of little beads that you could
string into a furry wire and make bracelets and I knew this would be
your very favorite part of the picnic, so I took you there and got a
mini bowl of beads and a few wires so we could sit down and play
together. I figured it would keep you busy for at least a few minutes.
Two hours later, you were still putting the beads on and taking them off
and putting them back on without showing any sign of boredom. If I
didn't insist that we leave to look at the other sections, you could
have spent another three hours with the beads.
When you were born, I was worried you might have your dad's ADD, but it
turns out that when it comes to attention, you've taken after me. When
you're doing something you love, you get lost in that world.
Journaling Reads:
My mother used to like telling me the story of how when I was a baby,
I'd sit there any stare at my hands for hours. She said that I was a
very self-sufficient baby, didn't need a lot of attention.
Maybe it's because I've worked since the day you were born, maybe you
were just born this way. Either way, you've always been the same kind of
kid. You used to take all of your toys and bring them next to me and
play while I worked.
A few weeks ago, we were invited to your dad's cousin's wedding and I
completely forgot to bring any toys or crayons to keep you busy.
Thankfully, Daddy's mom had bought you a pack of little cars. Those four
cars, and the package they came in, entertained you for the full two
hours. You didn't scream or have a tantrum once. You didn't even make a
sound. You just played with your cars, quietly and made me so very proud
for having you as my son.
I think being self-sufficient and easily-entertained are two important
skills, David, and I am thrilled that you have successfully mastered
both. – June 23, 2007.
This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. Each time I am too
chicken to do something, I remember Twain's words and know that real
people would be supportive of me and I can do anything I want.
"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions.
Small people always do that, but the really great make you
feel that you, too, can become great." --Mark Twain
This is from an old blog entry. Journaling Reads:
When I was younger, I used to travel in a crowd of beautiful women. I
don't know how it happened but all my female "friends" were drop dead
gorgeous and within a few weeks, my self-image managed to wither away to
nothing. At the time, I started playing a game where each time I caught
myself wishing I had someone else's something (like hair or eyes or nose
or legs) I would force the issue.
I told myself that the rules were such that I wasn't allowed to take
body parts or personality traits and plug them into the rest of me. If I
liked someone's something, I had to completely change places with that
person. Not only did I get their whole body, but I got all their
personal issues, emotions, family, psychological state of mind, past,
living status, job and anything else you can think of. I basically
forced myself to choose between me and this random (or in some cases not
so random) person. Yeah, I got to have their small nose or blue eyes,
but was I ready to also have their eating disorder? How about the
disinterested mom? Was I willing to give up all of who I am to look like
this person? It was my way of forcing myself to face the fact that
people don't come in pieces. You want a part, you get the whole thing.
How do you like them apples?
In fifteen years, I've never met one person I was willing to change
places with. I don't know if it was the fact that I wasn't willing to
give up certain aspects of who I am of my life or the fact that I tend
to favor the known over the unknown. Looking at a woman walking down the
street, I can see she has pretty hair or a size-2 figure, but I can't
see what goes on in her head or how much she suffers daily. With me, at
least I know what I'm getting. Or maybe I was finally growing to like
myself. The game's done a lot to improve my self-esteem.
I came home early on Thursday due to an appointment and took the time to
take David to MyGym for the free play hour. We were laughing and playing
and just in general having a lot of fun when he ran up to me and hugged
me and said "I Love You." Completely unprompted. Not as a response. Just
cause.
A few years ago, I wrote about how music
gets intertwined with memories. There are thousands of songs that
within seconds transport me a certain time, location, and emotion. Once
a song is infused with a certain feeling, it's pretty much impossible
for me to disassociate it ever again.
But not fully impossible.
There's a Dixie Chicks song that I used to love. I was listening to it
on continuous repeat for a few weeks. It just turned out that I also had
some things happening in my life that were less than ideal and beyond my
control at the same time. So, pretty quickly, this song got entangled
with the situation and got associated with very sad and frustrating
feelings. Months passed and I still could never listen to this song
without reliving the events of that time and I quickly started avoiding
the song. Which really bummed me out since it was a fantastic song with
amazing lyrics that would have otherwise made me feel stronger and inspired.
Last night, on my way home, the song came up on my ipod and, to my
surprise, instead of the typical resentment, I felt the sense of
strength and empowerment I had felt before the song had gotten
associated with the sad events. I had finally completely given up my
resentment and finally moved on so it allowed me the space to reclaim
the song that I loved.
Sketch 1 for 1-in-48. Journaling Reads:
They say blue eyes are recessive. If you have a Mommy with brown eyes
and a Daddy with blue eyes, the chance that you'll end up having blue
eyes is less than 15 %. So when we had you and you were born with
beautiful blue eyes, I knew not to keep my hopes up.
All babies are born with blue eyes, and so were you. Most babies' eye
color changes in a few months. Yours kept staying blue. One month
passed, and then two, three, four. Yours were still blue. I couldn't
believe my luck. Was I really going to have a blue-eyed boy?
Your grandma kept checking each time she called, "Are they still blue?"
she'd ask. "Yes," I'd respond incredulously.
We kept telling each other that they could still change after six
months. When six months came and went, we said, "It could be up to a
year." And here we are. Two and a half years. Your eyes still blue.
Piercing blue. There's no chance they're changing now. They're here to
stay.
I can't believe a dark eyed brunette like me ended up with a blond,
blue-eyed little boy.
Sketch Challenge for AMM. Journaling reads:
Your way of displaying your anger changes regularly. You used to put
your head against the wall and cry. Then you threw stuff off the tables.
After that you started hitting. And now, you go to this little corner of
the living room where there's a wall just your size, you sit on the
floor and make all sorts of angry faces while you say a lot of words we
can't decipher. Every now and then you say, "I'm mad" or "no way!"
The faces you make and the way you sit there is so cute that I can't
resist smiling. Within minutes, I come to give you a big hug and a kiss.
And then you're smiling again.
A few weeks ago, we were invited to a party that a friend of
mine hosted. It was during the day so I asked her if I could bring you
along. She told me there would be no other kids but if I wanted, I was
welcome to bring you.
Thanks to work, I get to spend so little time with you that leaving you
at home wasn’t an option. So off to the party we went. As soon as we got
there, you got settled on the couch and started to play with everything
they had. You watched some Blue's Clues, you played with their chess
set, their poker set, their mini disco lights, their Simpsons toys.
You were quiet, sweet, and happy. You were so cute that several of the
guests spent a good chunk of their time with you. As always I was amazed
at how easy it is to take you wherever we go. How we rarely have to
worry about you acting out. How you don't seem to mind being among a
room full of adults.
“Look at me!” I say this sentence maybe thirty times a day. When you
were little, I could snap tons of photos of you and there was nothing
you could do about it. As you grew older, you were always complacent and
allowed me to indulge myself. But in the last few weeks, you’ve mastered
the art of selective hearing. When I catch you doing something cute or
funny, I run to grab my camera and, in the most upbeat tone I can muster
up, I say, “David, look at Mommy.” And you ignore me. Either you don’t
look up at all or you say, “No picture.”
I should take this as a sign that you’ve had enough, but I don’t want
to. My memory is really bad and these stages in your life are so
fleeting, so momentous that I can’t resist capturing them. I want to
freeze them forever so I can remember. I crave the permanence of a
photograph.
So instead of giving up, I enlist the help of your dad. “Call him,” I
say each time we’re out together and I am trying to get you to
cooperate. “Call his name. No not there, come behind me and then call so
he’s looking up to me.” I know he must think I am crazy, but he
cooperates. Your Daddy is the very best, ever.
Little David, soon even Daddy won’t be able to fool you and before you
know it, I will have to give the camera a break. But, until then, I will
snap, snap, snap.
Sketch 5 for 1-in-48. And a new Sewing machine. Wooo wooo!! Text reads:
Your least favorite time of the day is when you know we're getting you
ready for bed. Even if you're in the best mood, once I tell you to come
with me, you immediately get upset and say, "No. No. No bed." You whine,
you cry, you resist, but eventually you always break down and come along
with us to the bedroom.
As Daddy puts your pajamas on, you're still full of sadness at how
unfair the world is. It's only when I give you the toothbrush that your
mood starts to change. Even though you momentarily get upset when we
leave your room, within seconds you're bouncing around your crib like a
happy bunny. We laugh as we watch you through the camera. Just another
example of the everyday joy you bring to our life, David.
Since Daddy takes care of you during the week, I try to spend most of my
weekend moments with you. A few weeks ago, I had to do a photo shoot for
a client and when I came home from the shoot, Daddy went out running.
Normally I'd sit and play with you, but I wanted to get the photos
processed before our trip to New York, so I wanted to try something new.
I pulled your high chair next to my desk and got the box of crayons with
paper for you, so you could draw while I worked.
We sat that way for hours, you doing your creative work, and me doing
mine. We must have been too engrossed in what we were doing because
neither one of us heard daddy come back from his run. When he saw how
much fun we were having, he grabbed the camera and snapped a few shots
of our special moment.
David, I have this dream that as you grow older, we'll be able to create
together much more often. I am so thrilled that you like crayons and
drawing as much as you do. I can't wait to introduce you to my
scrapbooking stuff and see all the wonderful art you'll make. Only a few
more years and we'll be sitting side by side, working on our layouts,
sharing ideas, and enjoying every little moment of it.
And now for something really plain. Sketch 6 for 1-in-48. Journaling
Reads:
We have a lot of planes flying over our backyard. Not as many as we used
to when we lived right by Miramar in San Diego, but still, it seems each
time we play in the backyard, there’s a plane flying by.
In the beginning, you completely ignored them, and then you started
noticing and pointing each time we saw one. Now, you’ve totally gotten
into them. You hear them first and bring your hand to your ear and say
“Sound! Airplane!” Then, you know to look up and find the plane. Once
you see it, you start pursing your lips and try to imitate the sound the
planes make. Spit flies out of your mouth as you say, “Pffffffttttt.,”
and it makes me laugh each time.
Every little boy loves airplanes and you, my son, are no exception. I
can’t wait until you’re old enough to build a little model airplane with
your Daddy. He has always loved airplanes and is already planning all
the events he will tale you to. I can only imagine all the fun you two
will have.
Sketch 8 for 1-in-48. This one got noteworthy on the Creating Keepsakes
website. Yey! Journaling Reads:
Still catching up on the two I missed while I was in San Diego. Here's
the journaling:
Little David, you’re such a two-year-old. You cause a tremendous amount
of mischief all day long. You break our CDs, take the tape out of out
cassettes so that they are irreparable. You break all the crayons and
then write all over the walls with them. You draw on the car window. You
put your stickers on Mommy’s computer. You hide your food all over the
house and dump your apple on the floor when you’re done with it. You
refuse to sit in your chair and spill your drink all over the table.
When I ask you to do something, you look at me like you’re in deep
suffering. You beg, you yell, you rebel in every way you can. But if I
keep refusing, that’s when you pull out the big guns: you look at me
with those big, blue eyes and give me one of those special smiles that
you know melts my heart. That’s when I can no longer fight with you. I
just give up and hug you really tight.
Well, Mr. Charming, I don’t know how much longer you’re going to be able
to get away with those cute faces, so enjoy it while you can.
This is for Last Scrapper Standing - Round one. The challenge is to use
8 transparent items on your page.
8 transparencies:
I cut three circles of 5,4, and 2.5 inches.
I stitched the first one, and put a rubon across the seam of the other
two, connected all three with 3 clear buttons and wrote i love you, a
word on each layer. I tried to show the detail on the bottom so you
could see it upclose.
So my 8 items are:
3 circles
3 buttons
1 more circle where the date is written
1 on top of the photo by My Mind's Eye
Journaling Reads:
Today I came home early from work, so I was able to take you to MyGym’s
open playtime. Normally, you’re in a funky mood and play for a short
while and then get bored. But today, we had a blast. We played, we
laughed, and then we laughed some more. At one point, you kept running
over to me and knocking me over. And then you ran over and gave me a big
hug and said,
“I love you.”
I had a hard pregnancy. I threw up eight times a day for six months. I
was so nauseous that I worked in bed the whole time. When you were born,
you refused to sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time, even when you
were six months old. I still haven’t lost the weight I gained during the
pregnancy. You regularly make messes all over the house and sometimes I
find a half-eaten apple weeks later, hidden behind some furniture or
appliance. There are many moments in the day when you try my patience.
But all of these hard times are for this one moment. For the tight hug.
For the tiny kiss. And for those three little words, uttered unprompted.
They make everything worthwhile.
I love you, too, my son. I love you with all my heart.
I absolutely adore, adore, adore Anne Lamott. So it's no surprise that when she came out with a new book, I grabbed Grace Eventually: Thoughts on Faith immediately.
I have to admit that this wasn't one of my very favorites of her, but I still loved it. I swallowed it up and felt an inner peace that only she manages to instill in me. I am definitely not a religious person but I still loved her book. Maybe cause I do have faith. Or maybe cause Anne's a fantastic writer.
I have read Mitchard before but I must say, Twelve
Times Blessed was one of the worst written books I've ever read. The
character is not believable. She is annoying and the whole story is
flawed in so many ways that I don't even know where to begin. To be
fair, I did get strongly affected by the story
and felt deep love for my husband who I swore to appreciate more. I
spose one cannot ask for much more from a book.
Having said all of that, I also read A
Theory of Relativity and I absolutely loved it. Much more realistic,
more interesting. The characters were easier to relate to. The story was
still a bit more melodramatic than I would have liked it to be, which is
annoying cause it didn't need that extra drama. It was a beautiful
enough story as is.
I must say I was pleasantly surprised by how much I liked Dot Dead.
I brought it with me along a plane ride and finished that same night. I couldn't put it down. It wasn't the best-written book I read but it was certainly enjoyable and sort of surprising at parts. A great book to read on the plane.
It's a shame I missed him when he visited Google.
I have been a huge Murakami fan since I found out about him.
Last year, I went through a phase where I read a bunch of his books back to back. So it should come as no surprise that I wanted to read
After Hours
as soon as it came out. While the book was good and a little weird, it didn't measure up to typical Murakami at all. He is normally so incredibly fantastical and his
stories are so involved, so amazing, so mind-blowing that you cannot put the book down. This was an easy read but it wasn't nearly as amazing as most of the other books by him. Yet, I cannot wait for the next one.
I had never read a novel by Jane Green before I
picked up Bookends
I picked it up because one of the staff members at Kepler's recommended it and I dream of starting a book store and so reading a book about that seemed a lot of fun. While
she is a really quick read, I wouldn't qualify her as pure chicklit. She's a bit better than that. Her writing is relatively good. Her characters are 2.5 dimensional. I can
definitely see myself reading more of her, especially when I need a mental downtime.
I've been a fan of Ian McEwan for a few years now and I absolutely loved his previous book, _Saturday_, so when I saw he had a new one, I couldn't
wait to pick it up. On Chesil Beach is a tiny book
and I read the whole thing in an hour. While the last 5 pages were fantastic, I can't say that for the rest of the book. It was bleh. It went on and on and about
something I didn't care too much to read about. I didn't care about the characters enough to care. It was sweet, elegant and a fast read but it was definitely not up to his potential.
I absolutely loved Snowflower and the Secret Fan so I was thrilled when I heard about Peony In Love
I couldn't wait to read more of Lisa See. Yet, it turns out the book is terrible. I mean it was so bad that I put it down 5 times. I told myself that I had to get to page 100 before I made a final decision and then at page 101, I gave up. It was bad and
it got exponentially worse. What a shame it is to see an author, who can obviously do ten times better, write such a mediocre (actually it isn't even mediocre) book.
Every night, after we put David in his crib (yes, he is still in a crib
and he will be until he learns to climb out of it!), I read him a book.
Last week, we started reading the Cat in the Hat and it has quickly
become his favorite book. As soon as Jake puts him down, he starts
chanting "Cat, Hat, cat, hat!" until I show up with the book. Then we
both sit down and I read.
Tonight, I switched to another Dr. Seuss book and when we finished he
said, "More Cat in Hat" and so we read another and then he said "more"
and I said "No more tonight my love, we'll read more tomorrow." I so
hope he is like that for the rest of his life.
If I am able to pass on my love of reading to David, it will be one of
the best presents I could ever give him.
Sketch number 10 for 1-in-48. Journaling Reads:
We saw this beautiful cat on our walk in the neighborhood today and you
were excited beyond words. You watched it from afar and shrieked with
joy. Even the cat could tell that you were having a lot of fun so it
didn’t run away. David, I love that you love animals as much as I do and
that you’re so kind and gentle around them.
This was for an altered item contest sponsored by Sassafras Lass at AMM.
This is an item that was originally designed for photo storage. I
decided to alter it to do a CKU class I read about called "The
Encyclopedia of my ordinary life." This is normally a class where you
pick three items with each letter of the alphabet and create a layout
for each letter, so you end up with a full album. It's based on a
book.
I loved the idea and wanted to do it too but I found the layout format
too confining. For some letters, I had way more than 3 items and for
others I had none. So when I saw this container I thought it was the
perfect idea. This way, I can put 8 under one letter and none under
others if I want. I also included a sample page I made so you can see
the kind of stuff that would go in it.
David doesn't normally play with other kids very often. He doesn't
dislike them or anything. I just think he's not used to it since he was
at home so much of his life. Or so I've been telling myself. That
coupled with his speech delay had me a bit worried. But if I had any
worries that he liked other kids, that worry was put to bed this past
weekend when we went to San Diego.
When my friend Nicole and her 3.5 year old, Franklin, met us at the
mall, I had no idea Franklin and David were going to hit it off this
well. The ran around and played for hours. They climbed trees, they
chased each other, they tickled each other, they danced together, and
they even hugged! It was the most amazing thing to watch and brought
tears to my eyes.
I loved seeing David have such a good friend and laughing out loud with
him. Such a pity they don't live closer to us.
The first time I heard of
Water For Elephants
was on a beach in Connecticut. We were there for Jake's cousin's wedding and David was running around the beach.
I saw this woman reading the book and got it confused with another one and when I realized my mistake, I asked her
how it was. She said she was liking it, but didn't seem enthusiastic enough for me to want to place it on my library queue.
A few weeks ago, I was at Kepler's and saw the book again. I decided I wanted to give it a try. I got it from the library three weeks ago and it's been sitting around, waiting to be read.
Despite being on vacation, I haven't read much at all in the last three weeks and I was getting worried that something was wrong with me.
Turns out nothing was wrong with me, and everything was wrong with the books I was trying to read. I picked this book up since it was due back in two days and I wanted to at least check it out.
And, man, am I glad I did. I read it in two days and loved loved LOVED it. I can't even tell you why. I fell into the story immediately and enjoyed every single minute of it.
Despite the unusual setting, this is a timeless story and fantastic writing. Highly recommended.
So I've been experiencing a new bout of giddy with
new friendship syndrome. And I was trying to remember the last time
this happened so I was looking through my archives and spent the day
going down memory lane. The last time I blogged about it was in 2001
but I did have another one of these in 2003, when I moved to San Diego.
It's interesting to see that they are not as frequent as they seem and,
over time, I am not actually even friends with half these people. I am
with some and in those cases, they are solid, strong friendships that
feel good and not messed up even though the intensity is gone. It's good
to know it can last but it doesn't matter too much to me if it doesn't
each time. Some people have staying power, others don't. Each plays
his/her role in my life and that's the part that matters.
I've also noticed today that the intensity with which I go to this phase
can freak some people out. This has happened before when people
interpret it as more than friendship or aren't used to people being
really this straight with them and not having it be sexual. But it's
not. And generally, eventually they come around. But, maybe not every
time. Who knows?
Anyhow, another important thing I thought today is that I miss writing
this blog. I mean properly writing it. Where it's not photos or
scrapbooking or books, but it's me. My thoughts. Not just about David,
though those too. But about me, what I think. What's going on. Why it
matters.
So I'm going to try to do a lot of that. Daily, in fact. Let's see if I
can manage every day in November.
Even though I was completely ready to leave it when we did, I never
realized how very much I was going to miss it. Sometimes it's as bad as
craving. There are many reasons why I miss the beautiful city, but one
of them is the variety of friends I had there.
Mostly due to the fact that I did more differing activities when I
lived in NYC, but also because the city draws so many different people.
When I look back upon the years I spent there, the people whose faces
jump out at me are from so many different backgrounds, not just Wall
Street. I remember the artists, the musicians, the readers, the goth,
the programmers, the deaf, the teachers, the executives, the Turks,
childhood friends, fleeting friends, random acquaintances.
It was wonderful having such a wide variety because it was a constant
reminder that my way wasn't the only way to live life. And it's too easy
to forget that sometimes. It's easy to get lost on the Wall Street life
or the Silicon Valley life. I've been blessed to have worked at the best
of the street and the best of the valley, but it's still crucially
important for me to remember that these are small microcosms of
humanity. They may be where the money is concentrated but they
definitely are not the only place to look for interesting people
(sometimes just the opposite in fact.)
So I need to find a way to build that variety in my California life. I
have a bit of it with the scrapbooking I do. But not enough of it. Not
nearly enough of it.
One of my non-ending struggles is to find a way to "have-it-all."
I am constantly trying to decide what I should do and what I am willing
to give up in return. Often times, I am not willing to give up anything
completely so I try to do it all and I don't have enough time to spread
across all so I end up doing a sub-par job at each and I get really
frustrated.
Back when I used to write, I'd always get annoyed that people around me
seemed to send out their stories more often or write so much more than I
did. Of course, many of them had no job or an easy 9-5 job as opposed to
my Wall Street insanity. Today, I face the same struggles. When I don't
reach a goal as fast as the person next to me, or don't reach it at all,
I get endlessly disappointed in myself. I feel like life is unfair. I'm
working just as hard as this person but I am not getting the credit.
The fact is I am not. This person is only doing the one thing. I am
doing seventeen things. When I distribute my attention and brain power
across that many things, there's low chance I will do as well as the
next person (unless they are naturally a lot less skilled than I am,
which is rarely the case.) and it's not fair for me to expect to.
Yet, I still do and I still get sad when I don't get the recognition or
the opportunities others do. But then I try to step back and remember
why I do what I do and remember that the next step may not actually be
the best step for me to take. Sometimes opportunities aren't actually in
the direction I want to go and it's hard to pull myself away enough to
remember that point.
So this is here to remind me. The next step in the ladder isn't always
the best step for me. There's so much more to my life than the
accomplishments. Recognition. Being over-accomplished is over-rated. And often not
worth giving up the "other stuff" for.
I figured it was time to post October and November layouts. This was for
AMM DT call.
Journaling Reads:
Muir Woods is my sanctuary.
The first time your Daddy and I visited Muir Woods, I was writing
novels. We were in town for a wedding and your dad drove me to the park
as part of our two-day sightseeing. I fell in love with the park
immediately. I was so enamored with the magnanimity of nature that I sat
there in awe for quite some time. I told Daddy that I could sit in these
woods and write all day and all night. I decided we needed to move to
San Francisco just so I could visit this place regularly.
Sadly, since we've moved to the Bay Area, we hadn't visited Muir Woods
once until two weeks ago, when your grandpa came to visit. I was whiny
all the way up to the park and wished I had decided to stay home and
scrap. But the moment we walked in, you screamed:
"I see trees!"
And I knew I was doing something much better than scrapbooking: I was
living one of those moments that I work hard to capture on my scrapbook
pages. For the next hour, we walked along the magical pathways of Muir
Woods, and you ran around and explored everything. You looked at the
bugs. You watched the water. You kept pointing out animals. Your
enthusiasm was contagious.
I am so glad to know that a place that brings me so much peace brought
you an equal amount of joy. I promise you, my little boy, there are many
more Muir Woods trips in our future.
Journaling Reads:
When they meet you in person, people always comment on how much you look
like your dad. My sister was so surprised about the close resemblance
that she said, "Couldn't you have passed on one of your genes?" And,
it's true, on the surface you don't look anything like me.
But, there's always more to people than their looks.
Tomorrow is my thirty-third birthday and my wonderful sister decided to
do something extra special this time. She found a writer and had her
write the story of how much my sister loves and appreciates me.
When I got the book in the mail, I couldn't believe my eyes. I sat down
to read and my eyes instantly filled with tears. I didn't even notice
that you were watching me until you walked up to me. You said:
"No sad. No crying." You took the book from my hands and you put it on
the table.
David, you're still a little too young for me to explain the difference
between sad tears and happy ones, but obviously not too young for
empathy. Paying attention to others' feelings and wanting to put an end
to their sadness is something we share. My wonderful son, I hope you
never lose the genuineness with which you care about others and always
bring them the kind of joy you've brought into my life. I am so
delighted to know you.
I'm also glad to know that I did pass on a few genes to you, after all.
So I was thrilled to bits about making it to AMM DT. It was something I
really really wanted. And I am so honored!! This was my first layout as
a DT member with the October Kit. A rare one with out journaling.
Journaling Reads:
Up until last week, we'd never put you on a merry-go-round but I always
thought you would absolutely love it. What kid doesn't love a carousel?
Apparently: You.
When you first saw it, you were excited about the horses and wanted to
get on them with me. But once it started turning around, you immediately
broke down. You kept climbing on Daddy or me; crying hysterically. We
couldn't ask them to stop the ride, so we held on tight to make sure you
knew we had you covered and would not let anything bad happen to you.
I know that, one day, you will love carousels and wonder why you were
crying, but for now, it's not something you want to try and I completely
respect that. At some point, I might encourage you to give it another
try, but I will never force you.
David, I want you to know that we will always be here for you, to cover
you, hold you, love you, and protect you from anything and everything
that gets in the way of your happiness.
Journaling Reads:
Towards the end of every MyGym class, they give a surprise to everyone.
Each week the surprise is something different. Sometimes it’s a ball, or
a cone, or a slinky, or a ring. Once you have your surprise, they act
out a lot of different things to do with it. They put it on their head
and then ask, “Is this a hat?”
A few seconds later, they go, “Noooo, it’s not a hat.”
“Is this a shoe?”
“Noooo, not a shoe.”
And on and on. You always participate in the games but never say
anything. I never minded it because you have so much fun during surprise
time even without the words. Last week, when you came home from the
class, you were out in the backyard, playing with the bike pump. You
drove it like a truck and then said, “Truck!” so I said. “Is that a truck?”
And you replied, “Noooo, no truck.” I couldn’t believe what I heard.
You always manage to surprise me, David. Just when I think you’re not
paying any attention or understanding anything, you show me that you
were listening all along.
I took my first scrapbooking class a month ago and it was by the owners
of Maya Road. We made this pretty little book about David's first day of
school. I changed stuff around a bit but the gist is theirs.
I made it to round two of Last Scrapper Standing. Woo hoo. Here's the
challenge for round two:
"Alright. Your next challenge from the Dare book. It is to scrap 7
Random Facts. They could be facts about yourself, your spouse, your
child, your best friend…whomever. Just make em random and make em 7."
I wanted to give the impression that I was looking at a mirror, so I
wrapped my background in aluminum paper. I put a black frame to make it
look like the mirror frame and even embossed the corners like a mirror
might have. It didn't photograph well but it's really shiny and reflects.
The facts are:
1. I can't ride a bike.
2. I am scared of the dark
3. I have no middle name.
4. I am double-jointed on my arms
5. I went to my parents' wedding. I even ditched school for it.
6. I have never broken a bone anywhere.
7. I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue.
Here's one of my layouts from the Scrapworks Halloween Spotlight for AMM.
Journaling Reads:
Everyone has a different reason for loving Halloween.
Some people go all out decorating their lawns and houses. Others have a
blast with the costumes. Some people get a thrill from all the spooky
stuff. They create haunted houses, rent scary movies, and enjoy every
moment of it. And, of course, there are those who are all about the
pumpkin carving. The funny faces, the scary ones, and some that are
downright weird.
I am not the spooky type. Scary things actually scare me and don’t
thrill me one bit. They give me nightmares. Costumes are fun, but too
much work for me. So is all the decorating. I think I would actually
enjoy the pumpkin carving but I am still too new to it. So, for me,
Halloween is all about the food. The cookies, the muffins, the candy: I
don’t discriminate; I love all.
You can have your costumes, your decorations, and your spooky movies.
For me to have the best Halloween all I need is for you to share your
baked goods!
Here's one of my layouts from the Scrapworks Halloween Spotlight for AMM.
Journaling Reads:
Little David, I’m regularly amazed at your displays of love. You are so
generous with others. If we have a friend come over and we ask you to
give him a hug, you don’t even hesitate before you give this practical
stranger a wonderful hug.
Last weekend, we went to the pumpkin patch, and it was your first time.
You were so excited to see all the pumpkins that you ran from one corner
to another, touching each of the pumpkins. It gave me so much joy to
watch you.
As you walked up to this very large pumpkin, I observed you give it an
interested look and then a hesitant touch. To encourage you to explore,
I said, “David, give the pumpkin a hug.” And you did: a kind, full, and
genuine hug. It made me feel so warm inside to see you do that.
I am so thrilled that you are so full of love and so generous with it. I
hope you continue to share your love with everyone around you, even with
pumpkins.
I was lucky enough to make it to Round Three. Here's the challenge:
Hey all! Your next challenge is to rock out with ribbon. Vintage,
scraps, sequins and trims…bust em out and use em up! We’re not looking
for a specific number or style, just EXCESSIVE ribbon usage. Something
fun, something different.
Here's one of my layouts from the Cloud 9 Spotlight for AMM.
Journaling Reads:
Many two-year-olds are disrespectful. Many two-year-old boys are
insolent. They don’t call it “the terrible twos” for nothing. And you
have your share of difficult moments here and there when what we want
you to do really doesn’t mesh with what you want to be doing. But you
are never outright disrespectful. Even when you want to do something
else, you wait for a cue from us that it’s okay.
A few weeks ago, we were visiting San Diego and sat down at this café
for some water. You saw a rack filled with candy and wanted to pick them
all up. When we told you to not touch and to come sit with us, you moved
away from the rack but you didn’t leave the doorway. You stood there
staring at us and looking mad.
When we asked you to come sit with us, you said “Nooooo!” but you didn’t
walk back to touch the candy either. Every few minutes, you’d walk
closer to the candy and we’d tell you that you couldn’t touch it. You’d
make a sour face but you’d also walk away. We played this game back and
forth for a good twenty minutes before you gave up and sat down with us.
David, I can’t tell you how proud of you I am for being such a wonderful
kid and being so nice to your dad and me. I know it must be hard to have
someone tell you what you can and cannot do all the time and you’re
being a complete angel about it. Even when you get angry, you still come
and give us kisses and hugs. I don’t know how we got so lucky but I want
you to know that we are fully aware of how rare you are and how blessed
we are.
Here's another one of my layouts from the Cloud 9 Spotlight for AMM.
Journaling Reads:
I don’t like traveling.
I definitely don’t like traveling on a plane. Not since you were born.
Not since security checks became hours long. And not since I have to
carry all your stuff and my stuff as a carry on. I used to love to fly,
but now, given the choice, I will always choose to drive somewhere than
fly there.
Last month, your dad’s brother got married in Nashville. Unfortunately,
driving there would have taken us days so we had no choice but to fly.
To make matters worse, there were no direct flights from here to there.
I may hate flying but I hate layovers ten times more. Rushing from one
plane to another, stressing about all our luggage, making it to the
flight on time, getting your car seat settled in and making sure we can
find a seat so all three of us can sit together. None of these are my
idea of fun.
So I’d been dreading the whole trip. And as we flew to Kansas City, I
whined the whole time. As I deplaned and found the next flight, I was
still twitchy and stressed out. I was so impatient that I managed to
find ways to get on your dad’s last nerve.
But, as always you came to the rescue.
While I was checking my watch to see when we’d board, you walked right
up to the metal box for checking your carryover size and climbed into
it. You sat your pretty bottom down and proceeded to read the brochure
you dad gave you. By the time I looked up, half the passengers were smiling.
I couldn’t help but do the same.
My wonderful boy, you constantly find wways to make me laugh and remind
me that there’s joy in every little moment with you.
One of my layouts for Design Team work on the AMM November Kit.
Journaling Reads:
I have this theory that you do something new every single day and that
by working, I actually miss a lot more than your dad says I do. He says
each day is the same: you eat, you play, you sleep and then you do it
all over again. But I know he’s wrong.
These last few weeks, I’ve had the luxury of being home with you and
last week I took you to MyGym playtime instead of your dad. We’ve been
going there for months and you’ve never ever gone in the ball pit. For
the first few months, you wouldn’t even go near it. And then you started
sitting next to it and leaning over to play with the balls.
But you still wouldn’t go in. Each time I suggested it, you said, “No!”
and walked away. So imagine my surprise when, today, you walked right to
the ball pit and jumped in. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Even when you
started sinking, you didn’t panic. You played and played and played.
Maybe Daddy doesn’t notice these little things anymore cause he gets to
be home with you every day, but, to me, these little things are the best
part of being a mom and I am so sad that I miss them each and every
single day.
One of my layouts for Design Team work on the AMM November Kit.
Journaling Reads:
Little boys don’t get to control much. They don’t get a say about when
they go to bed or when they eat lunch. Sometimes they don’t even get to
pick what they eat for lunch. They don’t get to decide when we go out
and when we come back home. They can throw fits, but, in the end, they
do what Mommy and Daddy want.
It must be frustrating to be trapped in a little body when you have
demands of your own. I bet that’s why little boys love to control other
people and get a reaction out of them. You’re no exception.
When you were little, I taught you the sign and sound for lions. Over
time you made it your own and now you bend the tips of all your fingers
and move your hand forward as if you're attacking me while you make the
roaring sound. During one of our MyGym classes you were imitating a lion
and the teacher acted like she got scared. You thought this was the
funniest thing in the world and spent the rest of the class chasing her
around and scaring her over and over again. For hours.
Months later, you still get a kick out of scaring us with your roar.
Each time I have a tendency to get impatient, I remind myself that this
is one of the few ways you get to have control and you deserve that much.
My little boy, with time, you’ll want to have more and more of a say in
how you spend each moment of your life and I promise you that I will do
my best to respect your wishes each step of the way.
My minibook for Design Team work on the AMM November Kit.
So I wanted to make this book about defining moments in my life. Things
that made me who i am today. I coupled the events so if A hadn't
happened B wouldn't have. I put A and B on two sides of a cardboard that
I covered and put that journaling on the same page, I drilled holes on
the side of the minibook to make sure the journaling would flip back and
forth. Here are the topics:
1. My parents' divorce and my parents' remarriage (to each other)
2. Getting into college (CMU is my school's name - Carnegie Mellon) and
moving to the United States
3. Meeting Jake and getting married
4. Making VP on my Wall Street job and quitting to pursue a non-profit
work (TFA is Teach For America which is the program I did when I
quit my job - taught 5th grade)
5. Quitting TFA and having David
6. Getting my citizenship and starting my own company
I've always wished I knew my parents as people so I could know all about
their childhood, their dreams, their fears, etc. I feel like they know
all about us but we rarely know about them. One of my biggest goals is
to have a few days of personal 1-1 time with each parent so I can get to
know them as the person they are and I will be crushed if, God forbid,
something happens to them before I get to do this.
So I wanted to make this challenge all about the layouts you will leave
to your kids, grand kids, your loved ones. The things about you that
make you uniquely you. It can be superficial stuff, fun stuff, serious
or sad stuff. Whatever you want. If you feel uncomfortable, feel free to
do hidden journaling. Cathy Z. has a section in her book about how
important it is to journal yourself for the other people in your life.
So here are the rules:
1. make a layout about you
2. use journaling spots, if you don't have them, make them like i did
with stamps
3. handwrite (it's ok, i hate my handwriting too but this is all about
giving the generations after you a way to know you and your handwriting
is a part of that)
4. use a layout size you don't usually do. if you're a 12x12'er do a
8.5x11 or a 6x6 or even an odd size like 10x7
Remember, this is not about making the prettiest layout with the latest
products. This is all about the journaling. I know there are those of
you out there who feel like they can't write well or they don't know
where to start. Just remember that your great-grand children won't care
about any of that. They will be delighted to have any piece of you.
I did an 8x12. I purposefully left it plain to emphasize that it's all
about the words.
I just posted around twenty layouts that mean that the site is now
caught up to all my recent scrapbooking. I also separated the two sites
for those of you who don't care for scrapbooking and those of you who
don't care about my non-scrap related thoughts. The scrapping has its
own site and the link is permanently on the top right.
I've always had this theory that there's no one like me out there. This
is not in the boasting, "aren't I great" way. On the contrary, it's more
like wondering "what's wrong with me that there's no one else like me?"
When I was in Turkey, I could use that as an excuse. Surely, there would
be more people like me in the United States. College would do the trick
for me. After all, people came from all over the world to go to college.
Well college came and went, New York came and went, and I never met
anyone who made me feel like I wasn't a complete anomaly of a human being.
Until yesterday.
I was at my first ever scrapbooking event and the speaker went on and on
about her life, her approach to things (including scrapping) and I
couldn't stop thinking how she was a kindred spirit to me. The funny
thing is, on the surface, I've met many others who seem to be much more
similar to me: people who love computers, books, writing, or anything
else I like to do. But this woman, she felt like she was similar
to who I am and not what I do.
To be honest, I don't even know if she really is. I've only heard her
give a speech and maybe chatted with her for 30 minutes. We may have
almost nothing in common. But the few words she mentioned were exactly
what I've said/felt at times and that's all I needed to hear for this
"aloneness" to disappear. And pooof! it went.
Amazing how great it feels to let go of something I've been carrying
around for over twenty years.
One of the reasons I love having a little kid like David is his
incredible ability to share joy. He's so expressive with his happiness
that it's contagious. Last week, we went to the Google Halloween party
and they had an inflatable cauldron where a witch came in and out of it
and each time the witch came out, David shrieked with joy. Pure,
unadulterated joy. It was so amazing that everyone around him was
laughing at his intensity.
It's funny how such things become socially unacceptable over time. It's
sad how we don't feel (or at least) express that kind of happiness
anymore. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt that good and I
wonder if I ever expressed myself the way he does. But this is sort of
why I wish it was okay to be straightforward with people. Not only is
expressing outlandish joy pooh-poohed upon, but so is telling people you
think they're great. If you say things like that you must either be
hitting on the person or have an ulterior motive.
Some days I wish it was okay to tell people that you think they're
awesome and interesting and you're glad they're in your life. Like an
official "go tell people you like that you like them" day or something.
I wish people knew how to take compliments and say thank you. I wish
people heard you and believed you and it actually made them feel good. I
certainly value the bad more than the good. When someone compliments me,
they mustn't know what they are talking about and when they bash me,
they must be right. But I wish I was good at listening and hearing, too.
Even if just for one day.
National express-joy-like-a-toddler and take-compliments-well day.
Some days things just magically fall into place. On other days, doing
the right thing is a major struggle. Constant uphill battle.
Today was one of those days. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose it
doesn't have to matter but it's so frustrating that it taints the rest
of your day or your overall outlook on things.
That's when you know it's a good time to go to sleep and start over
tomorrow. Sorry for the short entry but I think I need a good dose of
sleep to feel full again.
It reminded me why I am here to begin with and what I was thinking when
I decided to leave my little boy and go back to work full-time.
Sometimes it's good to remember these things and remember why you did
what you did and keep a record of them. So when the days are like
yesterday, I can come back and read this post and feel good. And
remember that there were days like this one.
I can feel the beginning of something big here. And I hope, hope, hope
that I am not wrong.
It's interesting how life works out where a small, tiny thing can
completely turn my day/week/life around. An inkling of something good is
all I need for all aspects of my life to get affected by that. And it
goes both ways, so it works for an idea of something bad too. It colors
everything else I do and everything I feel. It even colors how I feel
about future possibilities.
This reminds me about the dual
self post I had made a long time ago. I think I am now feeling my
centered and happy self. I feel like I am at my best. There's still a
tiny nag deep within, the part that won't let go but I've been kicking
it regularly and telling it to fuck off.
The best part is, I am happier at home, nicer to Jake, more patient with
David, more relaxed about my other commitments, just in general more
pleasant to be around. Which then makes the people around me happier and
then they go home and affect the people in their lives. And next thing
you know, it's a snowball effect.
And all it takes is a tiny idea. A change in perception. A change in
perspective. The possibility of a good thing and not the promise or
guarantee of one. I think that's phenomenal. A tiny stirring in one
person results in tons of happier people.
So David's finally begun to talk. A lot. He's funny. Today he even
responded when someone asked his name. He then told me "You Mommy, I
David." This is big progress for us. I am so glad to see it happening.
And he's so very entertaining, it's amazing to watch. You can't help but
get caught up in it.
I guess I'm going to have to cheat tonight since I've had a wonderful,
but long day. I need to go to sleep and give my brain a much-needed
break. So here's the photo of the very first pumpkin I've ever carved.
As an interesting side bit, while I was carving this, we had the first
earthquake I've felt since moving to San Fran area.
Back when I read Now,
Discover Your Strengths, the one idea that stuck with me was that
working with one's strengths is a faster road to success than fixating
on your weaknesses. Not only do I agree with that sentiment, but I also
think it applies when dealing with others.
Instead of trying to make other people different than what they are or
getting frustrated by their weaknesses, I think it's best to concentrate
on their strengths and to work with what you have. Even in the personal
context. You get one Mom and one Dad. Learn to work with what you have,
find a way to make it work for you.
I think if we all spent our energy on optimizing our strengths, while
slowly but steadily improving our weaknesses and learned to take people
as they are and work with them, life would be considerably easier. Often
times, people disappoint us so much more because of our expectations of
them as opposed to anything they actually do.
Imagine if we stopped expecting and just took what we got.
One of the biggest challenges of work in general is balancing the work,
the deadlines, and the politics. One of the main reasons I quit Wall
Street was the fact that I wanted to spend my time doing something
worthwhile. Until last year, I could easily say that my changes were
such. I did Teach For America and regardless of how it turned out, it
was definitely a worthwhile way to spend my life. After TFA, I worked
for home and did something small and not too relevant but I was still
supporting two worthwhile causes: my husband's business and growing our
family by one magical person.
Then, last year, I changed course and went back to work. Full time.
Albeit, it wasn't Wall Street but still, I often wonder if I am still
pursuing the original goal of living a more purposeful life. What I
realized today was that if I put aside politics and the need to move
ahead or be recognized, I can easily make my life purposeful and
regularly try to do the right thing. Which will in return make my life
more purposeful and make me feel more proud of myself.
Politics, to me, is the worst side of any company, even for a nonprofit.
Good people, doing the right thing, should be rewarded. Period. If this
were consistently the case, the only goal people had would be to do the
right thing. However, often times, it's much more about who you are, who
you know, etc. And I have so little interest in being part of that game.
I don't know what that means for my future in the corporate world, but I
know that now that I've found a way to make my life purposeful again, no
one is taking it away from me.
First of a bunch of layouts I made using the Cosmo Cricket line they
sent to wonderful AMM.
This didn't turn out the way I liked. I had all these Halloween photos
and didn't really want to give them up. So I double-sided them and made
them minibooks on the LO so you could flip each side. It looks kinda
neat in person but looks so plain in the photos!
First of a bunch of layouts I made using the Cosmo Cricket line they
sent to wonderful AMM.
Journaling Reads:
The week I met your Dad, he did something amazing. He was on the phone
with his own father and at the end of the conversation, he said, "I love
you, Dad." I remember thinking, at the time, that there was something
special about him.
Not all men are good at showing their emotions. Many men don't hug their
kids, especially their sons. Many men believe it's a sign of weakness.
This must be a sore point for me because I always feel good when I see
men with their sons.
Not that I was ever worried about your Dad, but watching the two of you
play and bond and laugh and horse around fills me with joy. Watching
your Dad hug you, seeing how much you love him, and how neither of you
feels shy about showing it, makes my day.
Little boy, I hope you always stay that way. I hope you always lean on
your dad, show him your love, hold his hand, hug him tight, and tell him
you love him.
Remember this: Men who can show emotion are far superior to those who
stifle it.
Another layout I made using the Cosmo Cricket line they sent to
wonderful AMM.
Journaling Reads:
David, since all these layouts and books I'm making are for you and any
siblings you might one day have, I wanted to make sure you had not just
your stories recorded but you also knew the stories behind your mom and
dad and all the wonderful memories we have between us.
It's 2007, and in a few weeks, your dad and I will celebrate our dating
anniversary of thirteen years. I've been in this country for fifteen
years and have spend thirteen of those with your dad. Over these years,
we've collected an amazing number of memories. Our lives changed
considerably, and our personalities as well.
But one of the few things that didn't change much from our first few
days together is the fact that your dad is my very best friend. A few
days after we met, he and I started hanging out 24/7. Especially since
we were in college and it was during finals, there were no classes and
we had nothing that stopped us from staying up all night and chatting.
Which we did. We talked about anything and everything. We laughed all
the time.
He became my closest friend within a few short days and all these years
later, I still prefer to share every little detail with him over anyone
else. We have a million little inside jokes and single words that
conjure joyful memories.
I don't know how I got lucky enough to find your dad when I did and I am
so thankful that we both had the foresight to see there was something
magical there. Over the years, we've had tough times, and even tougher
times but we stuck together and through it all, we stayed best friends.
Today, I cannot imagine my life without him. He's a part of the air I
breathe.
When something bad happens to me, I run to him for comfort. When
something good happens to me, I know his joy will be genuine. I want you
to know that what we have is magical and doesn't happen to everyone.
More importantly, I want you to know that I know that and appreciate
what I have every moment of every day.
I have decided to take shimelle's Journal
Your Christmas class. More about the why in the next post. But I am
looking forward to a little bit of creation everyday. I hope this will
be the encouragement I need to get back in the groove of things.
I wanted to keep the cover very simple and I might go back to it at the
end and go crazy with it, but for now it's just plain and subdued. For
the first few days (at least) I will be using the Scenic Route papers I
received as part of being on the A Million Memories DT. Big
thanks to both Scenic Route and AMM.
Let's see if I can do this for the next thirty five days.
I meant to mention that I am using a 5x7 minibook by 7gypsies that I
took apart. I wanted something small and manageable but big enough that
I could use photos if I wanted to.
Today's prompt was about writing your manifesto. Your intentions behind
doing this album.
I wanted to do this for many reasons. Partly to create something
everyday, but I could have done that with any album class. I picked this
one cause Christmas is my favorite time of year. Despite the fact that I
am Jewish and grew up in Turkey where there's almost no one who
celebrates Christmas the way American Christians do, Christmas makes me
much more happier than any other holiday. Maybe cause I grew up with
Christmas trees (even though we called them New Year's Trees) and
ornaments, and lights and presents. Or maybe it's that the cold, cozy
time of year just makes me giddy.
Either way, my intent for this journal is to take this time of year,
write down my observations and see if I can create some traditions for
my family so I can find ways to create our version of Christmas,
Channukah, and New Year. Maybe it will look like all of them, or maybe
like none of them. But it will definitely be ours. Something we can
personalize and internalize and love.
More of the Scenic Route papers I received as part of being on the A Million Memories DT. Big
thanks to both Scenic Route and AMM.
Today's prompt was about the snow. Writing about the weather.
One of my few complaints about living in California is how it doesn't
snow here. Ever.
Most of the time, I don't mind that. But, for me, Christmastime is all
about being woken up when the first snow falls. Making snowmen. Cuddling
up and watching it all fall. David won't get to experience this as a
little boy. Thankfully, we can get to a lot of snow with a short drive
from here, so each year, we'll have to take one weekend to go play in
the snow so David can have fun. It won't be the same as running out the
door with your pajamas on at night, but it's still better than nothing.
I specifically didn't put a paper snowflake on this page since it's all
about the lack of snow.
More of the Scenic Route papers I received as part of being on the A Million Memories DT. Big
thanks to both Scenic Route and AMM.
Here's another project with the Scenic Route Kit I got to work on as an
AMM DT member.
Journaling Reads:
December 6, 2001 was a special day for me before it began. I had been
preparing for an interview that promised to change my life. In the
months before, I had decided to walk away from my Wall Street job and do
something more purposeful with my life.
I applied to Teach For America and got as far as the interview process
and my interview was scheduled for December 6. I still remember every
detail of that day clearly. It was exceptionally hot for December in New
York City. My interview went smoothly and I was feeling exhausted but
hopeful on my walk home.
Large Christmas ornaments decorated Madison Avenue and I was so much in
the spirit by the time I came home that I told Jake we should go see the
Rockefeller Center tree that night. The tree has always been a favorite
of mine but that year was even more special than usual. Due to the
terrible events of September 11, just a few months before, the city had
decided to decorate the tree with only red, white, and blue lights.
To my surprise, Jake agreed to take the trip. He even said he wanted to
see a particular view that we’d seen on TV. He’s not the romantic type,
so it did strike me as a bit odd but I was too tired to think. When I
woke up from my nap, I asked him if we could go to the bookstore instead
but he insisted that we go see the tree. On the way out, he put on his
jacket and I reminded him that it was actually quite warm outside, but
he wouldn’t leave it at home. Another hint that should have made me
realize something was going on, and yet I had no idea.
As we walked around the tree, to the angels, I stepped up on one of the
benches and leaned over just to show Jake the view he’d claimed he
wanted to see. I turned around to make sure he was following me, and
then I saw that he was on one knee with a beautiful blue box in front of
him. It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening and I
instinctively kneeled to his level.
He asked, "Will you marry me?"
I just leaned over and kissed him as a bunch of strangers cheered and
shouted their congratulations.
I’d always told Jake that I wanted his proposal to be extra romantic. It
had to be a good story to tell our kids. But after seven years, I had
totally given up and figured we’d end up at City Hall.
It turns out I was wrong. He still managed to completely knock me off my
feet.
The very next morning I found out that I made Vice President at my job.
A few days later I got accepted to Teach For America. It was one of the
best weeks of my life. Needless to say, I will forever cherish the
memories of December 6, 2001 and never again underestimate Jake.
Since I'm Jewish and I bought all blue and white ornaments for our tree,
we now have a family joke that we have a Jewish Christmas Tree. I love
the blue and white lights and ornaments. It looks so pretty.
JOURNAL YOUR CHRISTMAS - DAY 12 - HOW THINGS ARE CHANGING
Today's prompt is all about past Christmases and how things change over
the years. For me, it's all about how we now have our own Christmas time
and we celebrate it "just us."
A wonderful photo I captured while my mom and dad were here and playing
with David. I used the CI D-Mensions Blossoms chipboard and Autumn
Leaves papers that the AMM
ladies sent me for DT spotlight.
I love this wonderful paper. This is a shot of David relaxing and
enjoying his life. Keyif is a Turkish word for bliss. I used the Piggy
Tales Jack and Jill lines that the AMM ladies sent me for DT
spotlight.
I used the CI D-Mensions Blossoms and Piggy Tales Jack and Jill lines
that the AMM ladies sent
me for DT spotlight.
Here's small version of the journaling:
1. Son of a Preacherman - my DH, his roommate, and I played this on
repeat non-stop (night and day) for over 5 months when I was in college
2. Something to Talk About - first week of college, my first set of
friends played this on continuous loop for a Freshman talent show and we
used this song to cheer us up all throughout college
3. Cinderella - This is a song from high school, always always cheers me
up. The journaling is about how hard it was to find the CD for it since
I had no idea who sang it.
4. The Wrong Way - DH and I listened to this over and over again,
driving from NYC to Boston, where our parents were to meet for the first
time
5. Making Love Out of Nothing At All - My favorite memory ever, a few
weeks after DH and I started dating, we were at the airport, returning
home for the holidays and I was on the plane, listening to this song,
looking out of the window, when I saw him at the terminal waving at me
(even though he couldn't see me). He waved the whole time until my plane
pulled away.
My pleasant surprise this year was how wonderful Jake was about the
holidays. He put up the lights, he took us tree shopping. He washed the
tree and did everything. He is wonderful.
My friend Nicholas and I spent a delightful day at the Fitzgerald Marine
Reserve a few weekends ago. I've been meaning to put the photos up for a
long time and have finally gotten around to it. More here.
AMM sent me some of these
beautiful Autumn Leaves papers. The line is called Manhattan
so I thought it was only fitting that I made an album about how much I
loved NYC.
I was one of the lucky few to receive the Zoe
Line by KI Memories Love, Elsie thanks to the wonderful ladies at A Million Memories so I made
this little minibook about my 08 scrapping resolutions.
David's been really into having his photo taken lately and playing with
the camera. The other day, he grabbed his little toy and click clicked
like it was a camera. He even pulled it back to "look" at the "photo."
Another layout with the Zoe
Line by KI Memories Love, Elsie thanks to the wonderful ladies at A Million Memories.
Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch when David sat on Jake's chair
with his large calculator and said "Mommy. I on computer. I Daddy." I
laughed and laughed. At least he didn't say "I Mommy."
Another layout with the Zoe
Line by KI Memories Love, Elsie thanks to the wonderful ladies at A Million Memories.
This prompt was about how your sleep habits change during the holidays.
Since Jake is so gracious enough to let me sleep in, I become a night
owl during the holidays since nighttime my only time to myself.
If you're looking for fantastic year-end sales, A Million Memories,
where I am a Design Team member is having a sale. 10% off if you use the
code 1231 at checkout
And here's the beautiful photo of our January kit which I had the luck
to work with and will be posting layouts from really soon:
Happy Holidays, may your year be filled with wonderful memories to
capture on scrapbook pages.
I've wanted to keep an art journal for a few years. I've even attempted
starting one several times but I never fully did it. So this is my year.
This is also the year I want to concentrate on the journey and not the
destination. As this is the pensive time of year for me, I've also been
reading the Tao
Te Ching and I will be incorporating a lot of its quotes to my
journal this year. This year, it's about slowing down, letting things
go, stopping trying to control, taking what I get, and being present.
It's all about the journey. Enjoying every moment of life and not trying
to cram everything in.
I picked a Rusty Pickle minibook to do my journal in. Its size spoke to
me. It's 6.75" by 11" or so. Big enough canvas to give me space but not
so big as to be intimidating. I hope to do a page a week or so. It's a
"gated" journal so it opens from the middle. Here's the back cover.
Of course, I also picked journey as my one
little word. Here's to a fantastic journey in 2008.
Here's the first page of my art journal. I kept telling myself to relax
and have fun with it. I went from dark blue to white to symbolize
relaxing and slowing down. There's a sheet of kanji in the back on the
right side but it's barely visible. And, as promised, a quote from Tao
Te Ching:
Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion,
you ruin what was almost ripe.
I've never been fond of years that start with odd numbers.
Despite the fact that David was born in an odd-numbered year, I've just
sort of disliked them. To be fair, 2007 was a pretty good year to me.
For the most part, I was perfectly healthy and made some progress in all
areas of my life.
It was my first full-year of not-at-home employment since David was
born. I spent the first part of the year doing two different positions
and working myself way too hard. Thankfully, I woke up somewhere along
the line and changed my job so that I work with products I feel more
passionate about. I also got to meet some amazing people through this
new position and am working daily on enjoying it as much as possible.
2007 was mostly the year of scrapping and creating art for me. I did 270
pages of minibooks or layouts. I applied for DT positions and was
blessed to get one at my favorite place: A Million Memories. I also
submitted a few pieces of work and one got accepted to be published in
an upcoming Lisa Bearnson book.
I read over forty books. That's not nearly as many as the years before,
but considering the full-time job and the full-time scrapping, I'd say
that's pretty good.
I took over 10,000 photos. Most of them are David or layouts but there
are a few trips here and there. To San Diego. To LA. To Fitzgerald
National Park. To Pismo Beach.
Here's some of the stuff I didn't do: I spent a lot of quality time with
David and Jake and yet it wasn't enough. I didn't lose weight. Actually,
I gained weight. I didn't hang out with my friends enough. I didn't keep
in touch with people enough. I didn't write my novel. I didn't blog
enough. I didn't exercise at all. I didn't go camping enough. I didn't
spend enough quiet time to enjoy life.
These things will be rectified in 2008. It's an even year after all.
Over a month ago, I took a day-long class where Danelle Johnson introduced her
new Creative
Cafe line. The lectures were so profound, so life changing, that I
didn't end up scrapping much at all. So I brought the directions home
and the materials at home and didn't complete the albums until today. I
still haven't journaled them but I have done all the prep work. In my
minimalist style, of course.
Trust me that Danelle's designs were much prettier. Also, she has hard
plastic see-through covers for the albums but I wanted to use those
elsewhere so I took them out. It was three albums of 12 pages each, so I
used them to commemorate David's first three years since he will be
three in five weeks.
This is year one, when he was a teeny-weeny baby. Each page has a
chipboard that comes out and there is one photo on each side. I didn't
photograph the photos since they are not new.
At the class I took over a month ago, we also had a session by Maya Road
where we made this banner album for Thanksgiving. The original one is
absolutely beautiful. I didn't have enough time so mine is really plain.
The letters have glitter on them and are really shiny in real life. I
love this set of photos from David so I still love it.
JOURNAL YOUR CHRISTMAS - PAGE 29 - PHOTOS FROM CHRISTMAS
Today's prompt was actually to design your cover. But she also suggested
we could do photos from Christmas and I couldn't pick one. So I picked
two of my favorites: david opening presents and eating all the leftover
chocolate.
Design Team layout with AMM's wonderful January kit.
Journaling Reads:
When you were born, I took your photos constantly and you never
objected. (Well, you didn’t have much choice.)
As you grew up, you went through a phase were you were very annoyed when
I approached you with a camera. “No picture,” you’d say over and over
again. Those months, most of the photos I captured were angry,
frustrated, or annoyed faces. I didn’t mind too much, I loved those
faces almost as much as the happy ones since they were all different
parts of you. I figured I should capture all I can while you still let
me take any photos.
I thought that eventually you’d find clever ways to hide from the
camera. I have been preparing myself for that day. But, today, you
completely shocked me. You walked up to the camera, gave it to me, and
said “Mommy, take picture,” and you gave me the sweetest smile.
I didn’t care that the light was terrible and that it would be blurry. I
captured the moment and thanked my lucky stars.
Yes, I know I haven't done the looking forward post yet. I have had a
fever of 101 for the last four days and I've pretty much been in bed the
whole time. I will do the post as soon as I pick up all the pieces I've
been dropping for the last few days. David's been sick twice in the last
three weeks and Jake just came from the hospital where he found out that
he has a well-advanced ear infection. So our household has welcomed 2008
in our own special way. By being sick.
Anyhow. I'm starting two new things this year: picture of the day and
daily David. We'll see how far I go, but the goal is to capture random
photos from my day. They are not meant to be high quality (though they
can). They are meant to document something from my day. Each day.
Today's is about our tree. This year, we got a real tree for the first
time in ten years and we decorated it with white and blue ornaments and
lights. It made this holiday season my very favorite. I looked forward
to seeing that tree every night when I came home and every morning when
I woke up. So this photo is to commemorate our last day with the tree.
And here is our daily David for Jan 1st. I couldn't miss this amazing
little moment where, as always, David enjoyed the boxes his presents
came in more than the presents themselves.
Today's photo is more for me than usual. As Jake was in the side yard,
cutting up our tree, I snapped this photo of our side yard. I've always
wanted a house with a yard and this one has two of them. I don't know
how long we'll have a house and the side yard's so green right now that
I wanted to make sure I captured its beauty.
And we've caught up to today's photo. For anyone who knows me, today's
photo should be predictable. This is the first time I get to vote in a
presidential election and so I am watching every moment of every major
political event. And, of course, the Iowa Caucus qualifies. It was Obama
and Huckabee's nights.
Ok, so I have two of them today. At first, I was like, "Oh, crap that
doesn't work with the rules." Then I remembered, guess what? I
make the rules! How do you like them apples?
This is a photo of one of the Christmas lights we put outside. They are
iridescent. With all the rain, it looks even more magical to me and I
wanted to capture it so I could remember this special holiday season.
Today, we had one of the biggest rain storms we've had in Palo Alto
since I've moved here. Nonstop rain and heavy winds. It was not fun.
However, one of the benefits of a lot of rain is that grass and plants
get a lot of water and become really colorful. So I wanted to capture
the beautiful reds in our front yard to remind myself that rain is not
all bad.
As opposed to last year's Christmas vacation, I got a lot less reading
(however a lot more scrapping) done this year. The two I managed to read
are Twilight
and Breakdown
Lane. So let's talk about Twilight. I'd read about this one on
multiple blogs and thought that there would be no way I'd like it since
I don't generally read young adult novels and I definitely don't read
anything about vampires. Ever. I really mean ever. Yet I loved this
book. It was a lightweight, easy read. Well enough written that it
didn't bother me the story was a perfect fit for my mood. I'd sort of
hate to admit it, but I did really enjoy reading this book.
I picked up Breakdown Lane because when I
absolutely hated Twelve times Blessed, Kim and Cheryl told me to read
this one instead. And, man, they were right. I absolutely adored this
book. It was depressing as shit. Really, really depressing. And I was so
very sick so it only exacerbated my grief. But it was so much better
written than the other book that it's hard to believe it was the same
writer. The book left me with a lot of thoughts but that's for another day.
I've also read a few scrapping books but that's for another day. I
really need some good fiction. Any ideas?
My friend Mark and I took a long walk around Stanford campus today. It
was a wonderful time even though it started raining and we couldn't find
our car. More photos from today to be posted later.
You thought I was slipping, didn't you? Today we took David for his
speech evaluation. As part of that, the evaluator showed him a bunch of
photos and asked him to say what they are. When he saw a couch, he said
"Couch, mommy couch." and then they showed a book and he said "Mommy's
book." That prolly sums up my life for the last 20 days that I've been
sick. Mommy on the couch with a book.
Ok I know this one's a bit lame but it's for me to remember how behind I
am in all my reading. Just sitting on the table, looking at me, enticing
me but not actually getting touched.
Tonight was my first time on Apple campus. I was there for Cocoaheads
since Ted was talking about the MacFUSE Objective-C framework. Here's
the video
of the talk.
Sorry, I'm running a bit behind on posting them, but I am still doing
them. Here's David ignoring his millions of toys and looking up at a
shelf out of his reach. I would like to call your attention to the fork
he placed so elegantly on the car.
One of the engineers who works in our team is awesome in multiple ways,
as is often the case with Googlers. Mark made this incredible poodle for
me. I knew I had to give it to David and that he would immediately
destroy it. So I wanted to capture a shot before he did. The whole time
I was taking this photo, David was reaching out for it and crying at the
same time.
I know you must be sick of photos of stuff in my house but this was the
first year we bought wonderful, little things for Halloween and I want
to make sure I remember them. I love these corns. I love the color.
I wouldn't be doing my job as a recorder of events if I didn't post
photos from Macworld. I woke up at 4am this morning to drive to San Fran
with my work mate, Greg. We still weren't able to get into the main
room. We spent the day in the Google booth, demoing our products to
people. It was a very long but quite a nice day. And, while it won't do
the thinness justice, here's my first photo of MacBook Air:
I left home at 4am and I didn't get home till late so it wasn't a good
day for David photos. But here's the little one, eating his meatballs,
wearing my Macworld badge.
And here's a photo of him outside the Moscone center when we went to
pick my badge up.
It's been a really hectic week. So here's all the photos I did take
throughout the week. This is David sitting in Mommy's chair. It's always
fun to watch him try to get up on there as the wheels move.
Today was our team offsite. We went to Los Gatos to play bocce. Half my
team works remotely from home, all over the US, so it was wonderful
having them all in one place.
All the product managers in my team went out to dinner at a Vietnamese
restaurant in Mountain View tonight and I wanted to capture a bit of the
amazing desserts. Here's a photo of a few of the people there.
Friday night, a few of us from work went to the top of Skyline Drive to
do some night shooting. It was a lot of fun. I will be posting a bunch
more photos from the session in a few minutes.
Five of us went up to Skyline Drive on Friday night and had a wonderful
time shooting at night. My photos didn't all come out as great as I'd
hoped but I still had a total blast. Here
are the rest of them. Here's to more night photography, soon.
I absolutely adore Muir Woods. I fell in love with it the very first
time I was there in 1999. It was one of the main reasons I wanted to
move to the Bay Area. It turns out I don't get to go nearly as often.
When we talk about going, it always seems so very far away. But then we
get there and I remember the incredible peace that always surrounds me
when I am there.
We had an absolutely wonderful day. David loves the woods almost as much
as I do. Here
are all the photos from today.
David doesn't like to take naps. He often fights on the way to bed. But,
every now and then, he takes these long, peaceful naps. Sometimes they
last three hours. After one of these, he wakes up a little disoriented
but very happy. He's well rested. Ready to conquer the world.
It takes him a good twenty minutes to go back to his usual self. When
he's in one of these dazes, I look at him and I can't believe he's my
flesh and blood. He's so pure. So beautiful. His white skin is so
unblemished. He looks like a real-life china doll. I am filled with so
much love for him that I can hardly breathe.
I don't know how I got lucky enough to have this extraordinary child,
but I am thankful for it every single day.
Each time we go to Muir Woods, I am compelled to take photos. I click,
click, click the whole time we're there and then we get home and I
download my captures of the day and I am always disappointed. My photos
never come out well. They can never convey what I actually saw. I feel
this way in several places, but I think Muir Woods is one of the worst.
I was thinking today that it's because there's so much more to Muir
Woods than what's visible to the eye. There's the smell. The beautiful
scent of wood and the humidity and the plants. There's the texture;
everything that practically screams for you to touch it. There's the
sound. The streaming water. The birds. The little critters. And, most
importantly, there's the feeling. The overwhelming sense of being
enveloped by nature. Protected. How negligible one's existence is in the
face of these trees who've been here for centuries. All of those things,
combined, make Muir Woods the magical place that it is.
And these things cannot be captured by the camera. At least not with
someone at my level of photography skills.
And I remember saying to her, "The show is over by
noon. I could be in the car by twelve-thirty and be able to pick up my
kids from school every afternoon."
"It's perfect," Elizabeth said again. "It's the perfect balance of
family and work." And it seemed it would be. A mid-morning show, four
days a week, someone else's signature on it. A show that didn't belong
to me - it would give me a certain distance, and the freedom necessary
to raise my family. I think this is close to every workingwoman's dream.
It's the fantasy that somehow you'll land a gig that allows you to
explore your talents without shortchanging your children, a job both big
and small to allow you to exist in all your dimensions - domestic,
corporate, maternal, artistic.
I've always been a fan of Rosie O'Donnell. I like her rawness. Her
honesty. How so much of herself she is. So I was bound to read Celebrity
Detox. The most profound parts of the book, for me, were about the
struggle between motherhood and self-identity.
There is no such thing as having it all. It does not happen. People who
say it does are lying. People who think they have it are wrong. It's
just not humanly possible. Each time you do something, you're
sacrificing something else. It's just a fact of life. So the trick is to
choose how you spend your moments wisely.
In the last few weeks, I've become the office joke because I had the
audacity to claim that I
am not extroverted. Anyone who's met me under most normal
circumstances will quickly realize that I talk. A lot. Really. A lot.
With a few exceptions, I make friends quickly and feel comfortable
chatting up random people. I speak my mind. I tend to talk quickly and a
lot, so people think I talk without thinking. People make judgments
quickly and, unless they spend considerable amount of time with me, they
don't get to see how I spend all my time. So they tend to "figure me
out" quickly and yet incorrectly.
Here's what wikipedia says about extraversion and introversion:
Extraversion is "the act, state, or habit of being predominantly
concerned with and obtaining gratification from what is outside the
self". Extraverts tend to enjoy human interactions and to be
enthusiastic, talkative, assertive, and gregarious. They take
pleasure in activities that involve large social gatherings, such as
parties, community activities, public demonstrations, and business or
political groups. An extraverted person is likely to enjoy time spent
with people and find less reward in time spent alone. They enjoy
risk-taking and often show leadership abilities.
An extravert is energized when around other people. Extraverts tend to
"fade" when alone and can easily become bored without other people
around. Extraverts tend to think as they speak. When given the
chance, an extravert will talk with someone else rather than sit alone
and think.
Introversion is "the state of or tendency toward being wholly or
predominantly concerned with and interested in one's own mental life".
Introverts tend to be quiet, low-key, deliberate, and relatively
non-engaged in social situations. They take pleasure in solitary
activities such as reading, writing, drawing, watching movies, listening
to music, inventing, designing, programming and using computers
extensively. An introverted person is likely to enjoy time spent
alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people
(although they tend to enjoy one-to-one or one-to-few interactions
with close friends). They prefer to concentrate on a single activity
at a time and like to observe situations before they participate.
Introversion is not the same as shyness, though introverts may also be
shy. Introverts choose solitary over social activities by
preference, whereas shy people avoid social encounters out of fear.
An introvert is energized when alone. Introverts tend to "fade" when
with people and can easily become overstimulated with too many others
around. Introverts tend to think before speaking. When given the
chance, an introvert will sit alone and think rather than talk with
someone else.
I added the underlines to show what pieces of each are true for me.
While I am chatty and enjoy the company of people, I hate parties. I
don't like large social gatherings of any kind actually. I prefer the
company of a good book to 98% of people, including my friends. I spent
years writing. Even scrapping is something I prefer to do in the
solitude of my home. I spend hours thinking about my life, my choices,
the people around me, etc. I would say, for the most part, I am not shy
and, depending on who it is, I certainly get energized with people
around me. However, I always prefer solitude. I loved working
from home. So maybe, in the end, I am not an introvert, but an ambivert.
A term wikipedia describes as:
Ambiversion is a term used to describe people who fall more or less
directly in the middle and exhibit tendencies of both groups. An
ambivert is normally comfortable with groups and enjoys social
interaction, but also relishes time alone and away from the crowd.
I don't know why the distinction matters so much to me. I don't know why
I try to convince my work mates that they are wrong about me. It
shouldn't matter much, I suppose. In the end, it's just a label. And, as
with many others, neither of these labels fit me well. People are
allowed to think however they want. I guess I mostly mind that how I see
myself doesn't seem to match how others see me. Does that really matter?
Today was a full day. This morning David wanted to eat Jello really
badly. I told him that he couldn't and then changed my mind (yes it's
bad IDEA!) but then he said "Mommy, I so happy" and it totally made my
day. He didn't just say "I happy," he said "I so happy." Then, we
took him to get his hearing tested. Since he is speech delayed and some
of his articulation is off, multiple people asked us to get him tested.
The testers were wonderful with him, even though he did eventually get
completely fed up with it. Today's David photo is him asking me "really
nicely" whether he can have Jello. The rest are from the audiologist and
more from the Jello time.
Tonight was dinner at Nicholas' place since our friend Anastassia was
visiting from New York. We grilled veggies, meat, and bread on the
raclette. After dinner, we ate ice cream created by Nicholas called
Queasy Cream. Cream cheese ice cream, green dye, caramel, and chocolate
cookies. It was yummy. Here are two other shots from preparing dinner:
I was out of town for Monday and Tuesday so big thanks goes to Jake for
taking these photos. Except for the one taken from my computer. He was
wonderful enough to setup a video chat with me so I could see David from
the hotel room.
Today I came home to David wearing this little backpack book my sister
has gotten him when he was born. He said, "I, Diego Mommy." Then he said
he was looking for Dora. He didn't take it off all night. More reason I
love him so much.
Tomorrow is election day! My very first time voting in a primary. And
then it will be my very first time voting in a Presidential Election. I
cannot tell you how excited I am. Tomorrow night is a date with my
husband, in front of the TV.
Today was David's first dentist appointment. Let's just say it wasn't
his favorite time. Hopefully we'll only go up from here. This was, by
far, the funniest moment of the appointment. David had picked up one of
the sample toothpaste tubes from the waiting room. When they gave him a
tooth brush, he wanted to immediately brush his teeth.As soon as he put
it in his mouth, he tasted the mint and hated it immediately. So he
stuffed his mouth with paper to get the taste out, shouting "Yuck yuck
yuck," the whole time.
This photo might seem boring to you, but to me, it's an important
reminder of a relatively disastrous day. This morning I woke up to find
my 60Gig iPod to be empty. It said it had no songs, no playlists, no
nothing! When I mounted the iPod, thankfully the stuff was still there
but I had to back up all the songs to a hard drive, reset the firmware
of the iPod and copy it all back. Not fun. This is the drive my friend
Nicholas generously loaned to me so I could copy all the songs off my
iPod. They are also all safely in my own backup drive now, as well.
Michelle, Michelle and Donna Downey. She's definitely one of my
favorites and it was great to see her husband there too and in such good
humor. And what a thrill to see my album in the Maya Road booth.
Had to rush out today so it's not the best photo. We started
articulation therapy today and David cried when he left the classroom to
go to the therapist and then cried cause he didn't want to go back. He's
funny that way. I know some of you asked about the hearing test and I am
sorry I didn't post that before. His hearing is perfect. He also got his
speech assessment and doesn't qualify for any more aid. He came out
smack in the middle of the normal range.
They celebrated David's birthday at school today so when he walked into
class, he screamed "Happy Birthday!!" It was hilarious.
Text Reads:
Therefore the Master:
acts without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
She has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever.
Text Reads:
Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?
I was lucky enough to receive some wonderful Hambly products for being
on AMM DT. This is a two layered LO.
The journaling is on the bottom and says:
To the naked eye, this looks like a toy. A little dinosaur.
But, to me, it’s so much more than that.
When the doctor first told us that he was concerned about how little you
spoke, I didn’t really feel as worried as he seemed to. Six months
later, when you were still not putting two words together, we agreed to
get you evaluated, just in case.
There were many things the evaluator said but one of them stuck with me
much more than others. She asked me if you had any imaginative play. Did
you use any objects and have them interact with each other. Did you feed
a baby doll? Did you make the farm animals talk to each other?
We had to admit, you didn’t.
Sometimes, you’d make your dinosaurs roar. But that was the extent of
your imaginative play. That’s when I officially started getting worried.
Maybe there really was something wrong with you. Maybe it wasn’t all
going to be okay.
That evaluation brought on another and the next thing we knew, you were
in speech therapy. The word explosion took a while to come and the
articulation still isn’t there, but a few weeks after therapy started, I
was sitting on the couch and saw you feeding your dinosaur. You gave it
a spoon of food. You named them the Mommy dinosaur and the Baby
dinosaur. Next thing I know, your toys were interacting with each other.
Not only did you have imaginative play, your whole world became
imaginative play.
That’s the moment I knew we were going to be okay. I knew that your
speech may take a while longer and maybe you’d need more therapy for the
articulation, but there really was nothing wrong with you. You are just
taking longer to express yourself than other little boys your age seem
to. And that’s perfectly fine, my little one.
Your plastic dinosaurs are spread all over our house. To visitors, they
are colorful toys. To me, they are reminders that everything will be all
right.
Here's the second minibook I made with the Hambly papers I received as
being on AMM DT. It's one of my all time favorites. It has a lot of
photos, so I made it a separate page. Click
for full album.
Here is the January calendar I made with A2Z papers I received as being
a part of AMM DT. These calendars are the brilliant idea of another one
of our DT members, Kimmi. Aren't they the best?
I was also lucky enough to receive SEI Jolie Chocolat papers as part of
being AMM DT. What a blessing.
Journaling Reads:
Last Wednesday, I came home early and got to spend a few extra special
hours with you. You were in a good mood, and we decided to play on the
bed for a while. We hugged, we kissed, we tickled, and we laughed.
Finally we leaned back, and lay on the bed together.
You put your arms behind your head and said, “Clouds, Mommy.”
It took me a few minutes to understand what you meant. I closed my eyes
and let my imagination take me where you were. It had been raining for
days and I enjoyed having blue skies with puffy, white clouds. Even if
imaginary.
Then you looked towards the edge of the ceiling, where it met the wall
and the light wasn’t reaching as much, and you said, “Dark clouds.”
I couldn’t help myself; I let out a chuckle. This is one of the millions
of reasons I want to spend all my waking hours with you, David. Your
wonderful imagination and creativity reminds me that life is wonderful
and I love experiencing the world through your eyes.
Thank you, my delightful son, for giving me the opportunity to share it
with you.
Here's another layout with the wonderful SEI papers.
I am starting this new album of "advice from mommy" here's the first LO
for it.
journaling reads:
There's nothing you can't do.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Ever. If you know what you want to
do, if you feel passionate about something, go after it. Give it all you
have.
If you get it on your first try, you were lucky. Most people aren't. If
you really want something, you have to work for it. Sometimes you have
to work very hard. Other times, it might feel like you will never
achieve it. But, my son, it's still worth trying.
Be unstoppable.
Because, along the way, you will discover marvelous things. You will
learn. You will grow. You will find your own limits and you will stretch
yourself. And life is all about expanding and discovering. Maybe you
will never reach the end goal you've set for yourself but you will have
achieved so much along the way that it will be worth it.
Don't let others' negativity or weakness get in your way. Believe in
yourself. Give it all you have.
It was really wonderful fun to get to go to CHA in Anaheim. I got to
meet the amazing AMM
ladies. I didn't take nearly as many photos as I should have but here are a
bunch.
Thanks to some wonderful comments, I spent some time going back and
reading the journaling on my layouts today and realized how much I
already love reliving the memories. I can't even imagine how much more
wonderful they will be to remember years from now. Here are a few of my
favorites: imperfect,
sign, today, magical
moments, you
make me happy, staying
up, no
sad, and more recently clouds and, of
course, not
just a dinosaur. I love having the words along with my favorite
photos. I love some of the other layouts too, but it's these with the
words that I go back to over and over again to relive the moments.
This is for me to remember that it's always worth it to take the time
and write the story. Always. Always.
Have I mentioned that I signed up for Paulette's organic
dimension class?
I am so excited. I love the idea of mixing things up in my scrapping. I
love stitching and I love the idea of using fabric, found items, and
paint. I adore her work and can't wait to get started.
Today was David's birthday party. Even though he whined about not
getting to eat the cake all night, last night, when it was finally time
to cut the cake, he threw a fit and did not want to sit down. Here he
is, blowing the candle with Daddy, even though he's also crying.
Videos from David's birthday.The first one is really long
and has music instead of sound, except for the very end. The second one is a few clips of
voice.
Happy Birthday Nicholas, Cole, Alcor, and Jack. Happy birthday to you,
my friend with many names. Here are some more shots
from our fun-filled afternoon of painting, sculpting, and playing games.
David and Jake went to see the Tour de California yesterday and got
these and this morning David was trying to blow them up. Then he said,
"it's broken, Mommy."
I've started going to bed early and getting up before David does. I
paint and read in the mornings. This morning I wasn't done with my
painting when David woke up so we sat side by side, me painting and he
stringing beads on a necklace. It was quite wonderful.
I was lucky enough to sign up for Paulette's
Organic Dimension class and I absolutely love the way she teaches. I
have never ever taken a painting class before but I've always wanted to
do it. So here's step one. This is class one. Already enjoying myself
and enjoying the process.
I haven't been scrapbooking that long. I started right before David was
born but didn't really, seriously get into it until last spring. One of
the complaints I see everywhere I go is how much people complain about
how many (or few) layouts they've finished. I'm always sort of taken
aback by this.
To me, it's not about the quantity of pages you've finished. If you
really just want a way to display all the great photos you've taken,
there are photo albums both in real life and online to allow you to do
that. If you're mostly about the stories, you can blog or write in a
journal. You can even combine the two in a blog or journal. You don't
need to do scrapbook layouts for that. Cathy was just writing about how
the pages with just photos miss
the point for her. What is scrapbooking for you? This is a serious
question. Why do you do it?
I've been thinking about this a bunch lately. Here are my reasons:
I've been really bad at writing my thoughts and feelings about
David. I've tried a few times and it doesn't work for me, so I needed to
find a fun way to do it so I could preserve the memories of the early
years of his personality and how I feel.
I love playing with paint, pretty papers, embellishments, etc, so
that part was a no-brainer.
I've always loved looking at my childhood albums and wanted to give
that gift to my children.
Making art in just about any form makes me feel happy and calm and
fulfilled. If I can manage to tell stories through my art, even more
amazing. I love the idea of learning and growing to do more art. To let
go of my left brain and rely on my right one a bit more.
I adore my family. I love photography, writing, and art and what
combines the four in a more magnificent way than scrapbooking?
So there you have it. For me, it's not about getting published, getting
recognition, or using the most latest product. Most significantly, it's
not about getting it done. The process is half the reason I do it. If I
am lucky, it will never be done. It will go on forever, until I can no
longer hold paper and glue. For as long as there is life, photos to
capture and stories to tell, there will be scrapbook pages to create.
So I learned a list of really valuable things in the class I took this
week. One of them was about the importance of being valued. And how
everything we get upset about angry about comes back to feeling not
valued. Just think of every single thing you get upset at. I don't mean
things like a sick child or bad health, but things that tick you off and
get you from a positive place to a negative one, all day long. The
little (or sometimes not so little things). In the end, they all come
down to feeling not valued.
Well it does for me. So now, I am paying more attention to that and
taking a step back and creating my own self-value when others don't
respect it. Or changing the way I look at the situation so it doesn't
make me feel less valued.
I am also remembering it when I treat others. I am trying to be calmer
and to be more appreciative. I am also trying to be specific in my
appreciation, so that it's not a quickie but a well-thought out,
"I-really-did-notice-this" kind of appreciation.
A good friend of Jake's gave David this fantastic Batman car. He works
for Matel and David absolutely adored this toy. He played with it all
day long. Put his Batman in it, buckled him up and drove him all around
the house.
This morning, David accidentally burped and it surprised him so much
that he kept fake-doing it all day long. My little jokester, I love you
madly.
It's raining cats and dogs here. It's been all day long. Actually, all
week long. I am not liking this weather much at all. The one good side
effect is the very green plants all over.
Apologies for being behind on these but I have been taking photos daily,
still. I must say that I am quite proud that I've been able to stay
authentic with these and each of the photos have been taken on the
actual day. This is David right after bathtime. Here's the next one:
We have this one drawer full off goodies. It stores all of our candy.
David has discovered it and has even found an amazing way to get his
hands on it. He opens the cupboard below so he can get a tiny bit of
lift. He gets on his tippy toes and then he can sneak a peek. Or
aimlessly grab without seeing. Sneaky, little boy.
Here's one of my layouts with AMM's March Kit. This is to
commemorate David's first best friend and speech therapist, Michelle.
Here's a closeup of the journaling:
Here's another layout using AMM's March Kit. The
journaling is about how David has so much wonderful self-confidence
right now and how over the years, if he ever doubts himself he should
pull out this page and remember how he was now and remember that he's
amazing and has no reason to doubt himself.
I am doing Rhonna's 21 Day challenge where you do something for 21 days
so it becomes a habit. For my theme, I chose 21 days of creative
freedom. So I am applying some of what I learned at Paulette Insall's
class. I hate my handwriting but I love painting daily. I've also added it to the side so you can see the full
thing at once.
Since Jake was out of town, David and I spent the last two days
together. The sun is finally coming out here in Palo Alto so, this
afternoon, we took a walk around the neighborhood. We had a little
conversation on our walk:
me: David, you know what?
David: You know what?
me: No, David when I say 'You know what?' you say 'What?'
David: What?
me: I love you!
(a few seconds pass)
me: David, you know what?
David: I love you!
My boy, he's all about skipping steps and getting right to the point.
I came home before the sunlight disappeared yesterday just so I could
take a walk around the neighborhood with David again but it didn't go so
smoothly this time. Let's see what happens today.
I had to go to Michael's for some spray paint. So David got to have a
present. A ball that lights up. It's been his favorite toy for days now.
He even goes to bed with it.
This is a new project I started to do a little painting and daily cards
with David's daily photos. I will put a section on the side so you can
see them daily and I will only post them here weekly. The first two
weeks are scrapping. The rest will be painting.
So a while ago, I created this sub-site for my scrapbooking fun. At the
time, I thought the regular readers I had might not be interested in my
scrapping stuff and my scrapbooking readers might not be interested in
all the writing I do. But today, I decided that's over. Scrapping,
painting, art are now a part of who I am. Just like everything else. So
it's all one page now. If you don't like it, you can always just read by
category. Those are still around.
Hope this is not a big deal. But this site has grown and changed with me
for nine years now so here's another one.
A long while ago, I wrote about this concept of the
in-power you and the out-of-power you. And, lately, I've been
thinking about this a lot. I've had these incredible six weeks where I
had the whole life changing experience that led me to eventually start
creativeTherapy and
then I took this amazing energy class (which I still plan to write more
about) and then I took this innovative leadership class. And my whole
life changed.
Since then, I've been optimistic, happy, and much more fulfilled. This
trickled over to my family and our relationship got more solid and I am
now spending so much more time with David. I feel like I am definitely
the in-power me. Strong and generous. And so very thankful.
This is David when he wakes up from a nap. Bright red cheeks and you
can't see but he has dreamy eyes. He's so cute. And tonight when I
changed him, he said "I have big muscles!"
Here's my art for the first
catalyst. It was about "something you lost".
Journaling Reads:
I am the girl behind the camera. I am the one who takes photos I capture
the moments I preserve the memories. There was a time when I was in
front of the lens. When I let people take my photo, but now when I see a
photo of me I cringe. I see all the flaws all the fat all the ugliness.
I lost the ability to see myself clearly. I can’t remember what it felt
like to look at the photo and see me. I miss that.
Here's my second
catalyst. This week was about "a place you go to find your center."
Journaling Reads:
when i feel like my problems are huge
and about to swallow me
i visit nature
i look at the towering trees
the endless ocean
and it reminds me
that i am a very small part of this earth
tiny
and my problems, i realize
are not so big.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
This week's catalyst
is about "the best part of your day." I took a bunch of the photos I've
taken of David this year and made this.
The journaling reads:
Since the beginning of this year, I’ve been taking daily photos of
David. It guarantees that we spend some quality time together every day.
In the last month, we’ve also started taking walks when I come home and
it’s our time together. Now when I walk through the door, David says,
“Go for walk, Mommy?” I grab my camera and we run out the door. We hold
hands, we talk, we look at the flowers, we laugh, and I cherish each and
every moment.
What started as a fun little project has become the best part of my day.
I'm still reading. Not as fast and not as much, but I am. And each time
I do, I remember how much I miss it. How much I love getting lost in
another world. Here are a few from the last few weeks:
Ever since I discovered him two years ago,
I immediately knew that I could never go wrong with Murakami and A
Wild Sheep Chase is no exception. An intriguing, hard to understand
book that leaves you with more questions than answers. I loved it
nonetheless. There's something about Murakami's style that just speaks
to me, I guess.
And then I read The
Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes. This was a Costco find. I always try
to peruse the book aisle at Costco. I take photos of the titles I like
and then check them out at amazon and if they still look good, I check
them out from the library. This was one of those. It took me a while to
get into the story but I did enjoy it quite a bit by the end. I don't
know if I would recommend it as much as say that it wasn't a bad read.
Which brings me to the sequels of Twilight.
I read Twilight back in January and I have no idea why I waited this
long to read the sequels, but I am so glad I finally remembered to check
them out. In the last week, I read 1,200 pages and I wish there were
more. Many more. These books are really wonderful. The characters are
well thought out and far from perfect or typical. The story keeps moving
forward constantly. The dialog is far from flat. One can sympathize with
each character in a different way. The writing is smooth and doesn't get
in the way of the story or the characters.
Reading New
Moon and Eclipse
made me wish I was writing again. It made me wish I could write such
good stories, so well. It must be an amazing feeling to be able to write
books that people love to read. Books that are page turners. I
absolutely love these books. The fact that they are about vampires,
which is something I would never read about and young adult
novels, which I also don't read, is just icing on the cake that shows
good books are just good books regardless of subject or targeted age group.
This week's catalyst
is about "something you remember from your childhood."
My whole life I was this sad, little girl. I always worried that
something was wrong with me or that I would always be unhappy. I wish I
could tell that little girl now that Life is going to work out for her
and that she should give up constantly thinking that something is wrong.
One of the things I learned in the Managing Your Energy class I took
over a month ago was the importance of resting and recovering. The
teacher mentioned how the difference between good athletes and top-notch
athletes was not how well they played the sport but how quickly they
recovered. How much time they needed to rest.
I've always been a Type A. I don't do that well with resting and
relaxing. I don't often stop and smell the flowers. I think sleep is
over rated. I believe in go-go-go. So much so that when my friends first
heard I was moving to San Diego (five years ago), they thought I might
go insane and want to come back to New York immediately.
They weren't totally wrong.
But San Diego did wonders for my state of mind. It taught me to relax.
It showed me the joys of nature and photography and then, of course,
David came. And then I came to Google and life went right back to
go-go-go, busy-busy-busy, and now-now-now. Until I took the class.
In the last month, I've been practicing being relaxed. Resting. Doing
nothing and not feeling bad about it. Giving myself permission to lie in
bed a few more minutes. To let go of that to-do list item. To not reply
to that email. To sleep a full eight hours. I feel much better. I still
get a lot done and I forgive myself for the rest.
And amazingly, the world doesn't seem to come to an end.
Of all the things we discussed in the Managing Your Energy class the one
that resonated the most with me was about the importance of being
valued. I know I wrote about this recently but I wanted to repeat it.
For me.
Take a moment and think of each and every time you have gotten upset at
something that you can remember. Now go ahead and analyze what was going
on. I bet you that you can trace each of them to "not feeling valued" by
someone. It's amazing how strongly the need to be valued is tied to the
core of our being. It's why we do much of what we do. Sometimes it's
also why we don't do something.
It's why we get angry at others. Why we get disappointed and hurt.
Jealous. Why we feel proud. Thrilled. Loved. All the bad feelings and
all the good are tied to feeling the lack or presence of a sense of
value. Each time I get mad or sad now, I step back to find where I felt
lack of value so I can collect myself and move on. I learn to stop
interacting with people who make me feel not valued.
And now that I realize this, I also understand why it's so important to
recognize others. To thank them. To make them feel valued.
It changed my entire perspective of life. And weeks later, I am still
thinking about it.
Last week's catalyst was a response to a question from my energy class
as well. The teacher told us to all go home and ask someone close to us
about the best thing that happened to them today. This is interesting to
me on three levels:
1. Most people aren't used to being asked a question about themselves.
(Most people talk about themselves and don't listen to the other person
that much.)
2. Most of us concentrate on the negative and being asked to think about
something positive is a wonderful change.
3. It's amazing how small and insignificant-seeming events can be the
best part of our day most often.
Try asking someone close to you. And tell me...
What was the best thing that happened to you today?
So I decided I wanted to scrap more so I can use some of the materials I
have. I have so much of everything and I keep buying more so I need to
use some. I also want to start scrapping a bit faster, not to save time
but just not to wonder too much, let the process be more organic and see
if I can trust my instincts a bit more.
So here's attempt one, from last night. This photo is of David wearing
the little Turkish backpack book my sister got him when he was born. The
other day I came home, and he was wearing it, telling me that he's Diego
and that he needs some rope. He's a riot my little one.
The journaling is about how we were worried David wasn't playing with
any kid his age until he met Franklin. And then we realized, there was
nothing wrong with him. He was just picky.
I'm still trying to do a one-hour layout daily. Day two. So far so good.
I've actually done two today but the other one is a future catalyst.
The journaling is about how we caught David sneaking into the candy
drawer and how he figured out that if he opens the bottom cabinet, he
can step on the ledge and gain the extra few inches he needed. I guess
he gets points for creativity.
This is a minibook I had made for the Maya Road CHA call. It's called
Life Lessons from the playground. It was selected and showcased in Maya
Road's booth at CHA Winter 2008.
Jake and I were talking about work the other day. I kept wondering,
what's more important: to work with something you're good at or to do
work that you like to do?
I think some of this point is a bit moot. Generally, if you're really
good at something, you must enjoy it at least a little bit or you
wouldn't have been able to become that good at it. And if you truly love
doing something, you'll eventually get good at it. Or, at least, better
than mediocre.
However, there are real case examples where I might be really good at
something but it's not my passion. And I could be really passionate
about something that I am just not that great at. Even if I am above
mediocre. Is that good enough? Will I constantly struggle and always get
frustrated? Should I just stick to what I know best for my job and make
the other my "hobby"?
We took David to his 3-year appointment a few months ago and he wouldn't
let go of his book the whole time which is exactly how i was as a child
(and still am). The little shininess didn't photo well but I tried.
And finally, this is the minibook I made for AMM's DT call.
It's inspired by my friend Lori who told me about this submission to
Chatterbox about an album for your kids. So that if anything ever
happened to me and Jake, David would have letters from us to read on
each of the big occasions on his life. The pages are:
1. overall letter
2. first day of school
3. first love
4. first heartbreak
5. graduation
6. first job
7. first home
8. wedding
9. first baby
10. whenever he feels alone in life
I used the an envelope minibooks so I could put our letters inside.
And the photos are of David are from youngest to now up as we get
towards the end of the album.
You can see the full album here. And
there's a link on the side, too.
This week's catalyst
is about "what you like best about yourself."
Journaling says: There aren’t many things I like about myself but
I will always cherish my ability to love people in an endless and
unbounded way. When I love someone, even if just a friend, I give that
person 100% of myself. I am always there and will always do anything
needed. My capacity for love is my very favorite thing in the word.
I am so excited to announce that I will be teaching AMM's first online class:
The Book of Me: Six easy and six not-so-easy facts about me.
You'll have access to a students-only board and here's some more
information about the class:
This album will guide you to make a minibook containing 6 easy and 6 not
so easy facts about you. Each page of the minibook will be a list of six
things on a particular topic, like songs you like or places you've been.
There will be six pages of easy and fun facts about you and then six
pages of deeper, more meaningful facts. A total of 14 classes will be
spread across three weeks to give you plenty of time to catch up.
Each class will contain an example page from Karen's minibook with
alternate ideas, photography tips, journaling tips, and lot of other
inspiration. You will have access to a private bulletin board where you
can ask questions, show off your minibook pages and share the joy of
creating a memorable and meaningful album for yourself and your loved ones.
The best thing about this class is that you can use your own stash and
your own, unique style to create your book. It will be 100% authentic to
you.
This week's catalyst
is about "Someone or something that really frustrates you. Feel free to
vent, but in a therapeutic way."
I've been hurt many times by people who seemed like they were my friend
but turned out not to be so. I decided to dedicate this week's layout to
them. I used crackle paint and then inked it. I also made my own
background. I took a photo of one of my such friends and me and
scratched her face out and tore the photo. This was indeed very
therapeutic for me.
Journaling reads:
fake.
yes, i'm talking to you. i thought you were my friend. now i can see
that you don't even know what it means to be a friend.
if there's one thing i hate in the world more than anything else, it's
people being one thing to your face and another behind your back. i
wouldn't take that from anyone and i am surely not taking it from you.
This week's catalyst
is about "what makes you, you?"
I used the cardboard to emphasize the feeling of being "bare" and the
authentic me. I also tore the papers to give the impression that all the
layers of me were stripped off and this was the true me.
Journaling Reads:
what you see is what you get.
that's me.
i don't mince words. i am not cruel but i also don't lie. i have no time
to play games. too many people have messed with my head and i refuse to
play with yours.
when you get me as a friend, you get a loyal person who will always be
honest, kind and generous.
i will not change on you. i will not deceive you. i will not stab you in
the back. i only know one way to be and this is it.
it may take a while to get to know me. to see that i truly care. and i
really will be there. always.
you may be confused. you may think there's more under the surface. you
may wait anxiously to see what's really going on.
but it's really simple with me: what you see is what you get.
Some other moments of joy from today. I especially love this one where
David's jumping up and down in the water and his feet are actually off
the ground.
Today, I was trying to get David to cleanup and getting more and getting
agitated as he ignored me. After I got more and more frustrated, he
walked over to me and gave me a big hug. He said, "No angry, Mommy, I
love you." It was really all I needed. I immediately felt better.
This is David showing me his "big muscles." More like elbows ...
This week's catalyst is about "What is your guilty pleasure and why does
it make you feel guilty?"
Journaling Reads:
I spent the last week thinking about my guilty pleasures and kept coming
up empty over and over again. I have lots of things that I shouldn’t be
doing but somehow I just don’t feel guilty about any of them.
The journaling is about how my heart melts each time I see these photos
of David. I cannot believe I got so lucky as to have such a beautiful,
kind and generous son. I am so blessed.
This is a little children's story I wrote using David's photos. David's
been really into ants lately so I wanted to commemorate that. I also
painted the papers as if a kid drew on them with crayons. The story goes
like this:
There once was a little boy named David who was friends with an ant.
They did everything together. They went everywhere together. They were
friends. But one day, the little boy lost his ant. He looked everywhere.
Desperate, he went to the chicken and asked if she'd seen his friend. He
then went to talk to Mrs. Pig but she hadn't seen David's ant either. He
checked every tree and talked to the other ants he saw along the way. He
looked for hours and hours. He walked all over, searching. He turned
every stone he could find to see if his friend was stuck or playing
hide-and-seek. He walked up the stairs to the house where they were
staying to check if he took a nap. But the ant was nowhere. He wasn't
sleeping or hiding. David was tired. Just when he was about to give up,
he decided to check one more place and there he was! He greeted his
friend. And finally the boy and his ant were united once again. David
was really happy.
I have this photo of David from bedtime that I love and I just wanted to
capture it and my words only so I did something simple. I cut out clouds
and put them on with dimensional tape. I then added wings to the photo
and put a little "halo" over the A of Angel. The journaling is about how
much fun we had that day and how funny and sweet David is.
I love these papers so much!! I don't normally do vintage stuff but they
inspired me to do so. I took photos from our recent trip to Santa Cruz
and made them look old and vintagy. I then made postcards out of each of
them and stamped over them etc.
I was one of the lucky ones to receive beautiful papers from Around the
Block for being on the AMM DT.
This is the simplest LO i made with them. My DH thinks it's too simple
but I like it so I wasn't willing to change it. The journaling is about
how David played "robot" when DH and I were at school in the
parent-teacher conference.
Apologies for the photo. I have tired 4 times and will try again
tomorrow to take a clearer one.
This week's catalyst
is about "What do you feel pessimistic about?"
Journaling Reads:
I used to get pessimistic about everything. I felt that if things could
go wrong, they would. Then, I realized that with time things started to
get better and look less scary. So I learned to tell myself that if I
feel down, I just have to wait a little longer and, with time, all of it
passes.
Journaling Reads:
You were the only one who really understood me. The one who truly
supported me. The one who made me feel less alone in the world. I love
you each and every single day and miss you with all my heart.
I used papers graphic45 sent us as part of being on AMM DT.
I checked out Rosie O'Donnell's new book "Crafty U." David loves it and
calls it the "Rosie Book." I have no idea how he knows it's her. I must
have told him once without realizing it.
Here's the journaling:
You gave me the love of words.
My first memory ever is of you sitting on our parents’ bed and reading
the newspaper. I was so envious, I asked you to teach me to read, too.
And you did. One letter at a time.
Yona, you may not know this, but you gave me the biggest present anyone
ever gave me. You gave me the love of words. Over the years, through
sad, boring, and even happy times, I always had books. It didn’t matter
where I was, with whom I was, or what I did. As long as I had a book or
two, life was swell.
Those few hours we spent together opened up an entire world for me. It
became my best escape. My way of falling into other people’s lives. My
way of living, loving, learning. My favorite thing in the whole world.
I went through a tough childhood and didn’t have a lot of good friends.
But I always had books. I lived vicariously through so many of them. I
still remember how you drove me to bookstores far away just so I could
pick my favorite books. I remember how much you supported my love of the
written word. From that first memory and onward.
Over the years, many things about me changed. But not my love of
reading. I still read two books a week, most weeks. I still crave the
words, the stories, the lives that I get to experience. I still carry a
book with me everywhere I go. It’s still my very favorite way to relax,
escape, and to feel happy.
I want you to know, Yona, that I owe it all to you. To that moment when
you didn’t tell me to leave you alone. That moment when you let me lie
there, next to you, on Mom and Dad’s bed, and showed me how to read each
letter.
You gave me the love of words, my sister. The best present I’ve ever
received in my whole life.
Journaling Reads:
My wonderful boy,
Today we took one of our walks. You were in a funny mood and kept
putting your hands on your ears and singing.
I had no idea why you were doing that and kept getting frustrated cause
I wanted to talk to you. But then I stopped for a moment and watched you
have fun. Watched you laugh with all your heart and it made my day.
I realized that sometimes our walks don't go the way I want but that's
okay cause they are not my walks, they are our walks.
And honestly the best part of any day is watching you laugh and seeing
you smile. How can I ask for anything more?
This is for catalyst
twelve at creative therapy. The catalyst is "If you could do
something to make a big impact on the world, what would it be?"
For this week's catalyst, I wanted to do something different. I feel
very strongly that every one of us can change the world by doing
seemingly small things. We all have the power and the ability to make
this world a better place. So I made a little minibook with my ideas on
how you can change the world:
Here are the sections:
1. Help others: Imagine if everyone spent a few more hours a week
volunteering? We could make such a huge impact on the world. Or maybe
something tiny. Help hold the door for the person coming behind you. Do
a tiny kind gesture, you can never be sure what effect that has on the
rest of the world.
2. Be kind: Be kind and loving to people. Always assume the best of
others. I think if everyone did that, the world would be a different
place.
3. Have a child: Children are our future. They represent the world of
possibilities, they are going to create the tomorrow we live. They will
definitely change the world.
4. School and Family First: I believe that everything starts with family
and education. Those are the two pillars of any human and if you get
those right, your impact on the world will be that much stronger.
5. Change yourself: It all starts with you. Don't wait for others to
change. Start with the man in the mirror.
I think the world is changed by seemingly tiny things all the time. If
we do any of these five, I think we are moving the world in a more
positive direction.
I used tattered angels products I got for being on AMM DT
So for the month of June, I want to try something a bit different. I
want to make sure that each day I write a bit more about these photos
and tell you my thoughts. Let's see if I can manage to do it.
Little David's learned to be very resourceful. He is very curious and
interested in discovering everything. Having something out of his reach
isn't much of an obstacle for him. He's found a way to "be tall." He
takes his little chair and stands on top of it and voila! Too clever for
all of us.
David watches this TV show called "Word World." It's one of his favorite
shows. In this show they create things by spelling out the words for
them. So yesterday as he played with these magnets on the fridge, he
said "Let's build a word!"
For the last few weeks all the flowers in my neighborhood have been
wilting. So I am so so happy to see them finally blooming again.
Especially the purple ones.
My very creative son put the diaper box on his head and made robot
noises while running around the house. These are the moments I don't
want to miss. I know it's crazy. But I love this. I really do.
Especially this:
This little plant in my backyard makes me think of the Little Prince.
The little rose... I don't now why. I just wanted to make sure years
later, when I am no longer living here, I could remember this plant and
the protective wire it has around it.
Just to document bits of my life now. These are the paints I use for
David's daily ATCs. I am about 20 days behind but I am feeling ok about
it. Let's see how quickly I can catch up.
I look at this boy who now asks "What's this?" or "What's inside?" 1000
times a minute and I realize he's really growing up. Not a baby anymore.
I love him so much.
There are many people who have helped me in my life. Many people who
deserve thanks for so many things. But what my son has already done for
my life will forever be the one thing I am eternally grateful for.
Before David was born, I had always been a sad person inside. Not that I
didn’t have happy moments but overall, my normal state of being was on
the sad side. I remember that when I was pregnant, I was really worried
that my son would have a sad mom and blame himself. I was worried I
would have really bad post-partum. I was worried about a lot of things.
I wanted to “fix myself” before he came. I made up this big sign that
read “Give up that there’s something wrong.” and I put it above my
bedroom door so I saw it every morning and night. I was going to learn
to be happy, no matter what it took.
It turned out that I really didn’t have anything to worry about. I
cannot explain why or how but the minute David was born, something
fundamental shifted inside me. Not only did I not have an inkling of
post-partum, but David made me a happy person. Since his birth, I have
felt a deep peace inside that I had never experienced previously. He has
literally changed who I am.
No matter what the coming years bring, I will forever be thankful to my
boy for giving me this priceless gift.
Journaling Reads:
David the list of things for which I am thankful to you goes on and on.
You have brought so much joy into my life and you have taught me that
life is full of fun and happiness. The way your life is all about the
little moments and making tons of tiny memories is what I cherish the
most. You have taught me how to live and how to love you.
---
I've used Glimmer Mist that I was lucky to get as part of being on A Million Memories DT. You
can't really see but the hearts glimmer.
As we drove up to Moscone Center to get the ticket, Jake asked me if I
knew which of the four buildings it's in. It turns out I didn't need to
know since the building was very distinguishable. I am off to my first
WWDC ever.
This one's just for me. David learned to blow bubbles today. I mean
really blow them. Now he's practicing nonstop. I want to remember this
moment forever.
Today David and I wanted to hang out in the backyard but it was too hot
so we sat on the one corner where there was shade. He had his sandwich
and bubbles (and played with the kettle we'd left outside) and I sat on
my computer, working. It was truly wonderful.
I had the amazing privilege of visiting Hambly's
factory today. It was so awesome. Allison was incredibly nice and
generous and she's such a talented designer. She showed me all around
and we talked for a long time. She also gave me so many goodies to give
away. Thank you so much Allison!
This was for Creative
Therapy #14 (what's one lesson you'd teach your kids) and an AMM spotlight for Tattered
Angels. It is really really shiny in person. here's the journaling:
Little boy, there are so many lessons I wish I could teach you. I wish I
could teach you to enjoy each and every moment of life. I wish I could
teach you to treat everyone with love and respect. I wish I could teach
you to always be curious. To laugh often. To have a lot of courage. To
give and ask for help.
The list goes on and on.
But if I get to pick one single lesson to share with you, it will be to
always have integrity. Always do what you say you will. When you say you
will. Keep your word. If you respect yourself and others, people will
respect you and trust you on your word. That’s the most valuable thing
you have in the world, David. Your word.
There are times in your life you feel like cutting corners or doing
things you might not later be proud of and I urge you to take the extra
few seconds to think things through, my son. Be honest. Many things can
be mended but a loss of respect is incredibly hard to recover. Your word
is how others see you.
Your word is who you are. Live your life with integrity and character,
my son. It is the very best advice I can ever give you.
I decided to write about a car trip my husband and I took to Joshua Tree
National Park. It was our first time at the park and we were awed by its
uniqueness. We walked around and then sat down at a bench and talked for
hours until it got dark. On the way home, we put the windows down, put
on some music and sang at the top of our lungs.
It was just another ordinary day, but knowing that I can still spend a
whole day talking with my husband after having been together nine years
(at the time) and just having returned from a 3-month cross-country trip
where it was just the two of us, made me feel so happy. He has always
been and will always be my best friend. If I ever doubt that, all I have
to do is remember the day we spent at Joshua Tree.
Thank you to Tattered Angels and A Million Memories for the
beautiful Glimmer Mist.
This is a mini I made with the AMAZING Karen Russell papers from
Creative Imaginations. This book is to commemorate a lot of small
moments that make me smile when I think of them. Memories I never want
to forget and memories I will come back to on sad days.
This is done with Karen Russell's amazing Narratives line by Creative
Imaginations. It was inspired by a song and it's for the days where
David aggravates me and where I wish he would grow up already. This is
for me to remember that i will miss these moments so so much! :)
I used the Creative Imaginations tag book and Christine Adolph's
beautiful tidepool line for this little book. It is to commemorate our
years spent in San Diego. Thank you to Cosmo Cricket and A Million Memories for the
beautiful papers.
Another mini inspired by a song. one by Alanis Morissette. I was feeling
very emotional earlier in the week so I dug up my very newly bought
type-writer and just let myself type away. to talk about all the things
that make me feel incomplete. I then cut up the box my CI products came
in and made a mini using Karen Russell's amazing Narratives papers and
Samantha Walker's holey cardstock. It was really therapeutic. I feel
better now :)
Here's all the journaling:
you will never be pretty
enough
you will never be skinny
enough
the conversations in your head
are too loud
the little girl inside
is broken
don't try to fix her
it's pointless
give up that it matters
you have family now
pretty is just skin
eyes, nose,
who cares if you're not
the prettiest of them all.
you seek acceptance
from the wrong people
you don't hear the nice
just the critical
you will not get it
choose to seek from
those who already do
there is no formula
do what works for you
accept yourself
give up that you're
not worthy
believe those who say
you are
not the others.
you will never feel
successful
because as soon as it comes
you dismiss it
you move on to the next
challenge
always a bigger one
harder one
never satisfied or content
never even savor the moment
so give up that success matters
what matters is
the challenge
be happy
just do it
there is no trick
give yourself permission
to wallow and then move on
life's too short
just give this one up
be happy
let it happen
let joy in
you are loved by people
let them
believe them
it does not matter
if everyone doesn't
love you
give up that
you need it
all you need is
one
it all starts with
you karen
believe in yourself
trust yourself
forgive yourself
give yourself
love and
kindness
believe in
your incomplete
self.
Tonight we went out to dinner and David decided he was going to sit on
the steps of this house. While I snapped the photos, two little boys
wanted to come sit next to David, too. His personality inviting like that.
My good friend, Michelle, who owns AMM has the most beautiful
daughter I've seen. This strong, little girl and her family have had a
long and tough year. Here are some more details in Michelle's own words:
As you probably already know, my daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia
(ALL) last November at the age of 4. She and my family have been
through a really rough last 7 months. She has been in the hospital
numerous times, she has been really sick, angry, on all kinds of nasty
drugs that have increased her apetite, had her physically acting out,
had her in bed for weeks, left her with no emotion but sadness and a
sense of joylessness. She was taken out of preschool and because of her
illness we were unable to put our 3 year old son in preschool. The
doctors worried that the kids would get sick in school and Chloe would
end up in the hospital again. However, today, she went for her weekly
doctor's visit and her blood count was at a safe level and she was given
the go ahead to begin the next phase of her treatment, which is called
"Maintenance." In maintenance, her blood count levels stay
significantly higher than they are when she was undergoing the intense
treatment that she has been receiving in the first 7 months of her
treatment. She will be able to begin Kindergarten and Daniel will be
able to start Pre-school. We are really excited! Chloe will have a
bone marrow test on Monday and then she will officially begin her first
"course" of Maintenance, which will go on for the next 2 years.
In celebration of Chloe's milestone, I wanted to give-away some goodies
for you. Here's the catch ~ Please post here a photo that brings you
joy when you look at it. I will pick a random winner on Monday, June 30th.
Here is a photo that I love of Chloe that I took at Easter:
And here's the prize:
click
here to participate. I cannot tell you how happy this news makes me.
I love you Michelle and I am so happy.
Today we took David to the movies for the first time ever. We saw
Wall-e. He was amazing. Behaved like a perfect little boy and the movie
was also fantastic. This might become a regular event.
A crappy photo today. But this one is for me to remember my scrapping
area. To look at it when I am not home and remember why creativity
beckons me so much.
I got the amazing AMM kit
for July. It inspired me immediately. I did five layouts in one day. I
never do that much. This kit is really pretty. They are all simple but
they were just so amazing, I didn't want to add more.
This one is about how David always makes this face when he hears a sound.
David's been in this "why" phase lately. Everything is why? where? how?
What's inside? Where's the truck going? What does that mean? How? Why? I
love all this curiosity even when it drives me a bit crazy.
I have many things I dream of when I think of my ideal home. I have a
size in mind, a style in mind, and a place in mind. But then I change my
mind. I loved New York. I dreamt of living in Tuscany. Over a lake. With
a big yard. Several stories. Overlooking the ocean. The places, the
sizes, the colors, even the locations change. But the one and only thing
that doesn't change is who's there with me. Jake and David
are my family. Anywhere they are is my home. They are my home.
Journaling Reads:
Each time I look at this photo, I smile and feel a strong sense of
peace. It reminds me you two are all I need and want out of life. You
are my why. My home.
Sometimes it's nice to do some scrapping just for fun. Not cause I have
something due and not cause it has to be perfect, but just cause I have
a bunch of photos I want to scrap. I'm taking Stacy Julian's Have More
Fun class at Big Picture Scrapbooking. And I decided to have more fun.
This is for catalyst
seventeen: what's a quality you look for in a romantic partner?
Journaling Reads:
Maybe it’s weird that a quality I look for in others should be about me,
but the more I think, the more I realize that the number one quality I
look for in a romantic partner is that they make me want to be a better
me. No scratch that. That they make me want to be the best me. What
excites me the most is meeting someone I respect. Someone whom I look up
to. Someone who inspires me to be better.
I just started Shimelle's My Freedom class so the photos this month will
be from the class...
I've had this alarm clock for over ten years. Originally, I bought it
cause it was the only clock where I could still see the numbers without
my glasses on. Looking at it today reminded me of the days where I wore
lenses and glasses and where I woke up unable to see anything clearly.
It's amazing how quickly people adapt. I can't even remember what it
felt like to not be able to see. That's why I like this photo, a little
snapshot of those days...
Today Today I will not live up to my potential. Today I
will not relate well to my peer group. Today I will not contribute in
class. I will not volunteer one thing. Today I will
not strive to do better. Today I will not achieve or adjust or grow
enriched or get involved. I will not put up my hand even if the
teacher is wrong and I can prove it.
Today I might eat the eraser
off my pencil. I'll look at clouds. I'll be late, I don't think
I'll wash.
The prompt for the second day of Shimelle's My Freedom class is "If
you could travel in time for just one day, where would you go and what
would you do?"
My first thought was to go back in time. Back to my wedding day. The day
I met Jake. The day we first kissed. The day I found out about David.
The day I gave birth to David. My swearing in ceremony. My telegram of
acceptance in to Carnegie Mellon. Walking on campus for the first time.
So many memorable moments in the past.
Then I realized maybe I could go into the future. The prompt doesn't
mention the past specifically. Maybe I could go to David's wedding day.
Or when we are retired. Or when my next kid is born. Maybe just go ten
years into the future and see how things work out. Or maybe not. I've
never been a fan of wanting to know the future. Too scared. Also, it's
no fun. What's the point if you already know how things are going to
work out? So the future is out.
I know I could have thought in the historical sense too but I've never
been a fan of history. So that's that.
Then I thought, hmmm, do I get to go back as the now me and speak to the
then me? Can I give me some advice? How about some consolation? Can I
tell the "past-me" that I will actually get into the college of my
dreams. Or that I'll get this job or that I will find the man of my
dreams. Can I tell her things are going to work out? But isn't that
cheating? Would the past-me believe the present-me? Should she? Hmmm
that got too complicated too.
So how about just going back to observe. Like to my wedding day, which I
mostly don't remember. But my logic kicked in again and said that
sometimes the way we remember things is more important than the way they
actually were. Memory does what it does for a reason. So that was out too.
I guess I am just not traveling in time after all. Well, maybe to the
far far future where I will be dead and I get to come back once more
just to see my kids and give them one more hug. Is that fair? Since this
is my imagination, I say it is.
Ok running behind already. Yesterday's My Freedom class prompt is:
Play a game of ‘What’s in your suitcase?’ on your blog by listing
your necessities for travel, then ask your blog readers to comment with
their own list. You can include pictures or links for items you consider
must-haves.
Well this is a boring one for me. My must-haves are all electronic
equipment and books. I must have: iPod, MacBook Pro, Canon SLR, Canon
mini camera, iPhone, all the chargers. Then I take at least three books.
Even if I'm going just for two days. Three books is my minimum. Then
I'll take whatever I'm working on currently. Like a sketchbook, or a
recent class printout, or papers that have been sitting on my desk,
unread. That's about it for me. Boring, eh?
Today's blog prompt from Shimelle is: Have you ever been inspired by
the words of a poem? Share the poem with your blog readers and tell
them how you came to value its words.
This is Just to Say by William Carlos Williams
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
I love this poem. I love every bit of it. I can't even explain why.
Maybe cause it's so ordinary. Cause it's so relateable. So daily life. I
am not sure but it makes me happy each and every time.
This is my first layout for Shimelle's My Freedom class. I decided to
make mine all about journaling and photos. The core of why I scrap. Here
is the journaling:
Time to laugh.
Time to hold hands.
Time to appreciate each other and enjoy each other's company.
Time to care about the little fleeting moments.
Time to take it all in. To observe and appreciate.
Time to walk together. Talk together. Time to love. Time to let yourself
be loved. Time to love yourself.
Time to give more than you take. To give without expectation. To give
for the joy of giving.
Time to share.
Time to reconnect.
Time to forgive.
Time to learn.
Time to relax. To rest. To recover.
Time to hug. Tight.
Time to have coffee and crackers.
Time to read. To write.
Time to create. Draw. Paint. Capture. Experiment. Try.
Time to let go of perfection.
Time to be carefree. To let go of fear and pressure.
Time to be audacious. Empowered.
Time to look forward.
Time to do more of what you love and less of what you don’t. Time to not
commit to things you don’t really want.
Time to figure out what you want. Dream big. Dream fun.
Time to soar.
Time to be happy.
Time to make the most of today. Time to pay attention. Time to spend
time wisely.
Time to notice the beauty.
Time to smell the flowers.
My second layout for Shimelle's class. Very similar to the time one,
meant to work together, sort of. Here are the words:
Out of all the places we went and the trips we took, there’s one that
stands above all. Even above our honeymoon in the Seychelles, which was
truly magical.
This trip wasn’t to an exotic island. It wasn’t even out of the country.
This trip didn’t require a plane. All it took was a car, a tent, two
sleeping bags, and a whole bunch of maps.
In the summer of 2003, Jake and I spent several months driving across
the country. We visited around thirty states. We camped. We read books
out loud. We listened to books on tape. We saw a lunar eclipse. We took
photos. We got in a car accident. We saw the most amazing natural beauty.
We ate some of the best food we’ve ever had. We spent every single
minute of every day together, most of it in a car. We laughed. We
argued. We were awed by nature. We saw deer, bison, eagles, and prairie
dogs.
We didn’t spend time worrying about the future. We were in the moment
and we had fun. We had no plans. We climbed the sand dunes. We went into
caves. We figured it out as we went along.
When I look back upon those months, I am filled with joy. I am so glad
that we made those memories. I am so glad that we felt that carefree and
we spent that time together. It taught me that travel doesn’t have to be
stressful or planned out. That we can be spontaneous and have the best
time of our lives. All we need is a car and each other.
This one was for Stacy's class at Big Picture Scrapbooking. The
assignment was to do a layout in 30 minutes. It took me forever to pick
the background paper somehow but the layout too really 26 minutes.
Friday's Freedom prompt: How do you prefer the pace of life? Do you
wish things would speed up or slow down? Illustrate with something
that has been on your mind or on your calendar or share your
preference between working slowly or quickly on a crafting
project.
This one is interesting to me because I've been thinking about it a lot
lately. When I decided to move to San Diego from New York, everyone told
me I'd hate it. They said the ultra-type-A me would go insane with the
relaxed Southern California pace. Honestly, I was a bit worried, too.
There were many reasons why I missed NYC when I was in San Diego but the
pace wasn't one of them. I loved being relaxed. I love walking on the
beach and taking my time to let the nature soak in. When we moved to
Palo Alto and I went back to the crazy busy life style, I missed San
Diego immediately. I still do.
Yet when I scrap or paint, I still have the fast pace. It's like I must
finish. I can't imagine how some people leave stuff to simmer overnight.
I could never ever imagine doing that. I think this attitude hurts my
art. Doesn't give me time to slow down and think things through. As I
told myself at the beginning of this year: it's not about the end goal;
it's about the journey.
Since life is all about the journey, why not savor each moment?
This is my art for catalyst
Eighteen at creative therapy, which is: What’s your favorite place
in your house, and why?
When I first thought of this catalyst, I was going to make it about our
living room. It’s the room where I scrap, where David plays, and where
the TV is. For me, that makes it the best room. Then I thought I might
do it about the garden. I’ve never lived in a house that had a garden,
so I think it’s so special and I thought it would be worthy of the
catalyst. Then I realized that the thing I love the most is that we live
in a house.
I grew up in a big city where there are no houses, only apartment
buildings. So living in a house, having my own backyard, my own little
space on the street, my own driveway: it all makes me so happy. It’s
something I always wanted as a kid. And it’s something I love. I don’t
even care that I don’t own it or that it’s falling apart a bit. I love
living in it. I love my house. My yard. My driveway. All of it.
David's been going to school all day every day for the summer and during
the designated nap time, he just plays. So today when we came home, as
he was eating a snack on his chair, he started snoring. I didn't have
the heart to wake him up. When he woke up 40 minutes later, he started
wailing. I am guessing it's a headache. Poor boy.
I am catching up to all the "Freedom" prompts so you will see three in a
row. Here's the one from Monday: Share an old photo of yourself and
a current photo of yourself with your blog readers. Tell them a little
something that has changed and a little that has stayed the same.
Here's the first photo that came to my mind. One from a long time
ago:
And One from May of this year:
Let's talk about what's changed:
Hair Color. Hair Length. Weight (Free food is great but not for your
weight.) New York vs Palo Alto. Goldman vs Google. Coding vs Not So
Much. Single vs Married. Not a Mom vs a Mom. Back then I didn't have a
fancy camera and wasn't nearly as into photography as an art. I hadn't
begun scrapping. I was writing novels. I had never gone camping. I
didn't really know how to drive. Creative Therapy.
Let's talk about what hasn't changed:
Working. Trying to balance it all out. Trying to figure things out.
Taking photos. Reading. Blogging. Jake. Many of my friends. Pursuit of
Happiness and Peace.
Here's the prompt from Tuesday's Freedom class: Share a list of links
with your blog readers, leading them to the websites that inspire you
most.
Let's see: chromasia, Paulette, BPS , Becky and Shimelle and on my list this week.
The prompt for yesterday was: Choose one point on each line to share
with your blog readers - one thing you have accomplished and one thing
you hope to accomplish. Bonus points if you have a photo from the event
on the first line.
I thought about this a while ago and I've decided that my biggest
accomplishment was getting into Carnegie Mellon and getting to come to
the United States. That's where all the rest of my accomplishments
started. My citizenship. Teach for America. Jake. David. Goldman.
Google. None of it would have happened without moving to the United
States for college.
As for the second line, I guess one of my current aspirations is to
complete a full painting. I'm working on it and taking a class but it's
not something I'm inherently talented at so it requires a lot of effort.
And finally the prompt from today: The things that inspire us are
often linked to what we label as quirks in our personalities: things we
like that others seem to dismiss. What quirk could you share with your
blog readers to see if they really dismiss this or if it’s something you
have in common?
Well I don't know if it's a quirk but I can never leave an art piece
unfinished. Not a layout. Not a journal page. Nothing. I can't leave it
there and come back to it later. I have to do it all the way. Now or
never. I used to think that this was a bad thing. That it was a sign
that I could never be an artist. Artists can walk away from their art
and come back to it but since I can't, it's another sign that I'm not
really an artist and won't be one.
DO YOU EVER STOP AND START A PIECE OVER BECAUSE OF HOW IT'S EVOLVING
OR NOT EVOLVING? No. I push through it. Art is about what is happening
right now. IT IS WHAT IT IS IN THE MOMENT I WAS CREATING IT. And that
could be crap. But, if I stop a piece I will likely never go back.
And it immediately made me feel better. Maybe there was a chance for me
afterall.
I'd been putting off doing any of the "Have More Fun" projects for no
good reason. Actually it was because I was worried I couldn't come up
with anything cool and hated the idea of sub-par stuff in my gallery.
Then I realized how lame I was and decided to actually have fun. That's
the point of life, after all, isn't it?
This is my interpretation of Tamara's project. A little Altoid box of
fun moments from this year. The image on the front is all her, so I
won't take any credit for it.
This one is also for "Have More Fun" and this challenge was to cut out a
silhouette and to not use any straight edges. So I cheated by using
ribbon. It was so so much fun!
This is the last of my "Have More Fun" layouts for this weekend. This
one combines Kelli's "use a ton of butterflies" challenge with Stacy's
punch stuff from monotone papers. I love the effect. In person it's a
lot more glittery. And it's not crooked in person either!
And finally. This is for catalyst
nineteen at creative therapy. This week's about one of your quirks.
I never learned how to really drive until I was thirty. I left Turkey
before the legal age to get a license (eighteen) and then went to
college where I didn’t need a car. And then I lived in New York for
seven years, where, again, you didn’t need a car. So I was almost thirty
by the time we moved to San Diego where you couldn’t do anything without
a car. Let me be the first to say that learning to drive at thirty is
not the same as when you’re sixteen and dying to have some freedom. It’s
scary.
So here we are, four years later, and now I can drive. Well, just
barely. I still don’t get on the freeway. I am still pretty nervous.
But, I can go to work, to the library, and grocery store. I can also go
to David’s doctor’s and mine. That’s about all I need. For now at least.
OH, have I mentioned I can’t ride a bike either? Yes, I know. I am
transportation-challenged. Then again, I can walk just fine.
When I lived in New York, on my way home from the subway, there was this
art store. In the window were these wooden men. I looked at them with
awe every day. I wanted one. Badly. After months of deliberation, I
finally got one.
Then I had no idea what to do with it.
Today, as I was taking photos, I saw how it's sitting behind my monitor,
seen by no one, doing nothing. And it reminded me of how badly I wanted
it. Back then.
I decided to start a new daily practice. Small things I am thankful for
each day.
1. Cole sharing his jellybeans with me.
2. A wonderful book from Ty as a gift for David (and me).
3. The kazoo I got from Big Picture Scrapbooking and watching David play
it with so much joy.
4. An understanding and kind husband on a day when I am grouchy and
moody. Everyday, really, but appreciated even more deeply on these days.
5. A new painting lesson waiting to be watched.
Today's prompt from Shimelle is: Tell your blog readers about your
favourite game.
This was an interesting one for me. I used to love playing games.
Backgammon. Bridge. Scrabble. Cards. But since I met Jake, we play
almost nothing. Backgammon really really rarely and every now and then I
meet with my Google friends to play Mahjongg (which I do love). And even
more rarely, I play board games with my friend Cole. But I do miss
playing games. Especially cards. I've always liked them. I need to find
a way to bring this back into my life.
1. Realizing that Jake filled up my gas tank so I don't have to do it.
2. Taking a walk with David, our first in a while.
3. A phone call that might be the beginning of a dream come true.
4. Chat with the always kind and supportive Fran
5. Jen helping me come up with a good idea, thanks Jen!
6. Having a generous and kind manager
Today's prompt from Shimelle is: Write about your first job and ask
your blog readers to share their first job stories too.
Another interesting one for me. In Turkey, it's not common for teenagers
to work like it is in the US. So I never had a real paying job until I
moved to the US. It all depends what first job means to you. The first
time I got paid for doing something was proofreading for the college
newspaper. The first "corporate" job I had was for Bell Laboratories my
Junior year in college. I was a programmer. And the first
"real/fulltime" job I had was as a programmer at Goldman Sachs. Most of
my career has been about programming or managing people who are. Now I
manage products and not people, but it's still about the code I suppose.
I had a brief period where I taught 5th grade which was the most
interesting and the most dreadful year of my life.
So I guess, career-wise, my life hasn't been incredibly interesting. But
it's also not horribly boring. Something in between. I've almost always
been lucky enough to work for reputable companies and with intelligent
people. I can't ask for more.
Here's Shimelle's prompt from Wednesday: If there was just one thing
from your youth that you could pass on to today’s younger generation
what would it be? Something as simple as the original Sesame Street
theme song or something more complex, like growing up more
slowly?
For some odd reason, the very first thing that came to my mind was Cat's
Cradle.
My sister and I played this game for hours when we were kids and I loved
it so much. Thinking of it makes me think of being a kid. In that
non-electronic, non-email way. Like jumping rope which I also loved.
1. Having lunch with Cole and Ty
2. Fran helping me with design questions. Fran helping me all the time.
She's the best!
3. David napping again at school!
4. Finishing my project. And liking how it turned out.
Thursday's prompt from Shimelle is: What artistic technique do you
love but not use often? What artistic technique intimidates you? Maybe
you’ll find an expert in that technique reads your blog and can comment
with tips for you!
A great question as always. There are too many for me. Sewing. Vintage.
Painting. I would love to do any of these. They all intimidate me.
Especially the drawing. I so wish I could draw and paint better. I've
also always wanted to make a quilt.
1. New meetings on my calendar. New product.
2. Finally getting organized.
3. David napping again in school.
4. Finally feeling like I've accomplished something.
Friday's prompt from Shimelle is: What was your favourite treat as a
child? What is it now? Share the story behind your favourite treats
(be they sweets or luxuries) with your readers to see if
they share your tastes.
Well when I first read this, I thought of bubble baths. I used to take
these bubble baths where I had music playing, a bowl of fruit floating,
and a fantastic book. I loved them. The second time I read it, I
immediately thought of chocolate. My grandmother makes this amazing
Chocolate Mousse. It's mouth watering. Even now, when I visit home, it's
the first thing she makes for me.
I don't have either today but I am still addicted to chocolate.
Especially Lindt Lindor. It's the very very best!
1. Getting 18 to-do list items done.
2. Big boy bed for David!!
3. Watching Curb Your Enthusiasm with Jake.
4. Half melted chocolate. Mmmmm.
5. Beginning to feel a little less overwhelmed.
This is for the Have More Fun class. The challenge was to use something
lying around that's not typically what you use. I used a canvas paper
from my pad and painted my own background. Can't say I love it but it
was fun. I told myself I would let myself have fun with this class and
see where it takes me. I am really happy with how much fun I am having
so far.
This is also for Have More Fun. The challenge was to use a transparency
and no cardstock. Hard to take photos of pages that are see through. A
few more shots:
This is for Shimelle's Freedom class. This week was about Serious vs
Fun. Work vs Play. The funny thing is that I noticed I make long to-do
lists for both work and play. I make sure all my moments are listed.
Which made me ponder which one is which. Do I ever let myself play? With
no lists? This one went way off course but it was a really useful one
for my soul.
1. Breakfast and fun time with Jess, Christopher, and Beckett. Good
friends are rare.
2. David napping in his big boy bed.
3. Quiet time with a good book.
4. Jake and me, so wonderful, even this many years later.
5. Going to see Mamma Mia!
6. Finishing the good book. (Everyone Else's Girl)
7. Feeling a sense of calm and peace, especially on a Sunday night.
This is my layout for this week's catalyst
twenty at creative therapy: how do you feel about your name?
Journaling Reads:
Yes, Karen is an ordinary name but when you remember that I was born and
raised in Istanbul, Turkey, doesn’t it seem so much less ordinary? I
love my name cause, in my own way, I feel like my parents must have
known that I was going to end up needing a nice, American name so I love
my name to bits.
1. Fun Video chat with Lori!!
2. To-do lists. Love them.
3. Randy's Time Management lecture. Tho I don't think I can throw out my
TV.
4. Jake. I love Jake.
Tell your blog readers about someone who has been a creative
influence in your life -- a crafty mum, aunt or grandparent, an
influential school teacher or a friend who brought out your creative
side, perhaps.
Wow this one is actually a loaded question for me funny enough. My mom
is an amazingly talented person. She is a true artist in my mind but
she's never been an artist by profession. She was an art restorer for a
long time and then a jewelry designer and now she's an interior
decorator. But instead of it all inspiring me, it's always intimidated
me. I always knew I just didn't have whatever gene it was that you
needed. I've always craved being artistic. I've always wished I was
naturally talented at it. But oh well, I am good with computers.....
Today's post from Shimelle is: What’s your favourite reading
material? Like the kind of favourite that you would take it to read if
you had to cut off the rest of the world for years and years?
This one is easy for me. Fiction. I love reading fiction. Just about any
mainstream fiction will do. I don't read genres that often so no
fantasy, romance, or horror. Rarely science fiction or mystery. No
historical fiction. But I will pick a good story over just about
anything else. My requirements for locations where I am willing to live
depend on where Amazon delivers.
I am constantly looking for new books and new authors. Not new, per se,
but new to me. Any suggestions?
1. David's mouth healing well.
2. Good friends and generous support
Today's a short day cause I had a long week and wasn't keeping good
track. Not good.
Wednesday's prompt from Shimelle was: Who was your personal favourite
teeny-bopper pin-up? Share a story
about that dreamboat or another happy teenage memory with your readers.
This one didn't make me think a long while. I didn't even have one
poster in my room as a teenager. I have never been that type of girl. I
think that's one of the reasons I was so miserable in Turkey. I just
didn't fit into the tiny community I was stuck with. I also don't really
equate teenage with fun. Then again, I did have a few good, solid
friends. One of whom I will be talking about in this week's creative therapy piece.
The few friends I did have, I still cherish wholeheartedly.
1. Finally finishing with this month's kit. Struggled a lot.
2. Spending some quality time with David. He always brings so much joy
into my life.
3. Getting a new computer. No more crashes.
Thursday's prompt from Shimelle was:What do you do when don’t feel
very creative or feel like you’ve hit a
creative block? Share a few tips that help you get back to yourself.
Honestly, I think the best thing is to walk away. Wait until the next
wave of creativity comes and don't force yourself. Or just to play with
no plan in mind and see what happens. In the ideal world of no
deadlines, I think that's the best thing to do. Give yourself permission
to rest. Relax. Rejuvenate. If only I took my own advice.
Today was the Google picnic and David wanted to go down this huge slide.
As soon as it started, he was immediately scared and cried. But for this
one moment that I captured he looks happy in anticipation.
1. Thankful that I work for such a generous and fun company. They throw
lavish parties and always make us feel so special. It's important not to
ever lose sight of it.
2. Having a healthy family. I am not thankful for this often enough.
3. Feeling calmer and a bit caught up for a change.
Today's prompt from Shimelle: Share a story with your readers about
one moment when you felt independent and in control.
I've had a few such luxurious moments in my life. When I moved to the US
from Turkey. I was really homesick for a few weeks but overall I was
much more in my element in the US than I ever felt in Istanbul. I had a
similar feeling when I graduated and moved to New York, when I had my
own apartment, my own job, and just my own life. I love it. Even now. I
am scared to do something to rock things but I do have a very nice life
and I feel lucky to be able to be independent (or feel that way even
with a 3 year old.). I love my life. I love my family. I love that I
made this life. We made it. It's really magical.
I've always, always wanted to make my own choices. Ever since I can
remember and I love making them.
I finally finished my August Kit projects for A Million Memories. I wanted
to concentrate more on journaling this month so my projects are simpler
and more about the sentiments, thoughts, and feelings I want to remember.
Before you came along, I wasn't sure if I wanted children.
Well, that's not true. I knew I wanted kids, I just wasn't sure I was
ready for them. I kept worrying about how much I didn't know and how
likely it was that I would end up messing you up. Causing you sorrow or
frustration. Or even worse. Life long problems.
I kept doubting myself. I kept seeing friends whose parents messed them
up. I kept worrying and wondering and postponing.
And then, one day, I was talking to your uncle Clark and I told him
about my worries and he said, "Isn't it better that a kid has a mom
who's paying attention to those things? Chances are your kid will be
better off because you care." And I totally agreed. I guess half the
game is just trying to do right. As much as possible.
And then you came along.
The most perfect, wonderful, kind, generous boy. The sweetest thing
ever. And I realized I was bound to mess it up but that it was ok.
Because there will be no single moment in my life when I don't love you
more than anything else. No moment when I won't be giving all I have. Ever.
Ever.
And I wondered why I waited so long.
You are the best thing that's ever happened to me and I just look at
your sweet face and thank my lucky starts.
Another one of my August Kit projects for A Million Memories. This one
was just with the scraps and just cause I love these two photos so much.
It's David learning to sign "two."
Another one of my August Kit projects for A Million Memories. I ripped
and redid this one three times.
I decided to concentrate on journaling this month so most of my LOs have
journaling:
Little boy, I look at this photo and my heart melts a bit. I think it's
so cute that you're so sweet to little girls.
And then I stop and freak out a bit.
I am so not ready for this. I am not ready for you to grow up. I know
this is nothing and I know that you're years away from actually going
out with girls. I also am not one of those protective moms. I want you
to have girlfriends. I want you to experience love. Being loved. And
everything else.
I am just not ready for time flying by so fast. I haven't had enough
hugs yet. I haven't been able to spend enough time with you. I want to
stop time and just play with you for hours. For days. For weeks, months,
years. I want to freeze time for both of us so we can have some quality
time. And then you can grow up. And meet girls. And have your own life.
One of the reasons I quit my Wall Street job was to get to spend more
time with the kids I planned to have. I wanted to make sure I was there
to raise them myself and to see them through all their firsts.
First food, first steps, first words, first time on a bike. First time
blowing bubbles. The reason I care about the very first time is because
it comes with a few extra emotions. The surprise on his face when he
actually takes his first real step. he joy of finally getting the
bubbles to come out. The face he makes when he tastes peas for the first
time. The fleeting moment when it's a brand new experience emotionally
or physically is incredibly precious to me.
It happens once in a lifetime. Once in his lifetime. And I want to be
there to experience those with each of my children.
Yet, life doesn't always work out as planned. Now I find myself working
more than I intended to and getting to see fewer of those special
moments. That makes me cherish each one even more.
This weekend, we took you to the movies for the first time. You'd been
wanting to see Wall-E and we figured that if we went to a 9:15am show,
we could always walk out if you really didn't like it.
But you loved it.
You watched the whole movie (with the help of a little bit of chocolate)
and you were quiet as a mouse. After we walked out, you talked about it
nonstop. I am so glad that I was there to experience it with you. It
made it that much more special for me and it made me really proud of you.
I may miss many of the firsts but here's one I didn't miss and I want to
make sure to celebrate it.
1. Looking forward to date night tonight with my love.
2. Getting the time to create.
3. Allowing myself to stretch and try new things, despite the fear.
4. Finally making some decisions.
Jake's mom, Jake, David and I went to Santa Cruz today and we had so
much fun watching the seals, walking on the pier and playing with sand.
This is not the greatest photo but I wanted to make sure to remember today.
1. Getting to go on a wonderful date last night with my husband. A
delicious meal. Seeing good friends. Listening to some music. Dressing
up. And loving every moment of it.
2. Getting to go to Santa Cruz and having a peaceful and fun time.
Breathing in fresh air. Feeling calm and happy.
3. A nice chat with my mother in law.
4. Reading "The Foot Book" with David, over and over again. LOVE Dr.
Seuss.
5. A great conversation with a good friend and finally letting go and
feeling some peace. So happy to feel some peace.
6. So happy to feel peace. (this one deserves multiple repetitions.)
1. David napping at school. I continue to be amazed and so thankful for
this.
2. Coming home to a package full of creative books from amazon.
3. Coffee. I am thankful for coffee and graham crackers.
4. David was looking for his shoes today. He couldn't find them. He
said, "I can't find my shoes mommy. It's a mystery." Love him. so so so
SO thankful for him.
5. A happy, wonderful husband. I am so lucky. So lucky.
Today's prompt from Shimelle is In general, do you prefer to
scrapbook with single photos or a group of photos? Share a few of your
favourite examples with your blog readers.
I tend to scrap single photos more often than not. I tend to use 4x6.
It's easy and efficient to print them ahead of time and just pull them
as I sit to scrap. Scrapping is not about the photos for me. It's just
about the memories and the stories so I don't use multiple photos unless
it's needed for the story.
I have always admired Kimmi's art and
I cannot wait to take the class she's teaching at a Million Memories. I
cannor urge you enough to go sign up. I have no doubt that it will be
fantastic. Click on the image to sign up.
Don't miss the opportunity to learn from Kimmi!! She is awesome.
1. Canceled and quick meetings. Love those.
2. Watching David play, he's so good at playing by himself and he loves
toys.
3. Having a wonderful husband who comes home and helps when I feel
really sick. (Looks like I might be allergic.) Thankful for such a
generous person.
4. A nice chat with Viv. She's so inspiring and so sweet.
5. Good friends like Becky and Michelle.
6. Still happy about Kim's mail. I promise I will write back Kim!
7. Yona, writing to you too! I miss you my sister!
8. Oh and I am so happy my computer doesn't crash anymore.
1. Today I am mostly thankful that I have a job that allows me to stay
at home when I feel like crap. It's a luxury and I know it.
2. I am also thankful for my bed. I love my bed.
1. While I still continue to be sick, I am thankful that I didn't have
too many meetings today so I could come back home and take a long nap.
2. I could complain about how my long-awaited book didn't actually show
up but since this is about being thankful, I'll say that I am thankful I
still can look forward to receiving the book and wait in anticipation.
3. I am thankful that David and I have been reading and rereading "The
Foot Book" so much that he has pretty much memorized it. When he asked
me to read the author's name today, he then did one of his fake coughs
and said "I sick Mommy, I wanna go to Dr. Seuss." I am so thankful for
this boy.
Ok, now I go back to sleep.
I just realized Shimelle was still posting blog prompt but I was not
getting them, so this is going to be my attempt to catch up on them.
Let's see how well I do.
Tuesday: When was the last time you said yes to something new? Share
that experience and what you learned with your readers.
This is an excellent question. It's been a long long long time since I
said yes to something new and interesting or challenging on a personal
level. I should think about this some more. I have said no to some
things which is good for me since I am not so good at saying no so I am
proud of that.
Professionally, I agreed to help out with a new product which stresses
me out a bit but it's also made me excited to be learning new things and
I am quite happy about that.
Wednesday:Tell your blog readers about a time when you suddenly had
more confidence than you expected -- maybe in replying ‘yes’ or ‘no’!
For me, this was accepting to take a six-month business trip to Japan.
Logically, I thought it was crazy and I didn't really want to do it. But
emotionally and especially in my gut, I really wanted to do it. I knew I
was going to do it so I put all my logic aside and jumped in with both
feet.
It turned out to be a really good idea and I am eternally grateful that
I trusted my gut.
Thursday:What’s one thing in your daily routine that you would
happily say ‘no’ to if you had the option to magic it away?
Work? Hmmm, other than that, lately it's been putting suntan lotion on
David every morning. I really dread it for some weird reason.
1. I think one more day of sleep was all I needed. Thankful to finally
be feeling a bit better. Not fully but I'll take what I get.
2. The book is here. So thankful to have a great book to read.
3. Thankful it's Friday. I need a lot of rest this week this weekend.
4. Thankful for another date night tonight. Getting spoiled.
5. Have I mentioned the book is here?
6. And thankful for the quality time with the little one. We've been
reading books upside down and snuggling in bed and having so much fun
together.
7. Thankful for a kind, generous and understanding husband. Especially
since the illness seems to have made me a bit crazy. Thankful for his
patience.
8. And again thankful for the book!! I love having a good story to turn
to when I need some quiet time.
1. Watching my little boy play board games.
2. Spending most of my day reading a great book. Getting lost in a story
is always so much fun.
3. Finally recovering.
4. Quality, quiet family time.
5. An amazing score at the flea market.
6. Saturday. I am so thankful it's Saturday.
1. Another amazing catalyst with an artist
I admire.
2. The fulfillment of a book finished.
3. Relaxing and enjoying moments of quiet time.
4. Life. I am thankful for all of my life today.
As soon as I saw this catalyst, I knew it was going to be about my first
boyfriend, Levent. He and I were best friends for a long time and then
he suddenly decided he didn’t want to talk to me for a week. After going
through one of the longest weeks of my life, he came back and said that
he was in love with me. We started dating pretty soon after that. There
are many joys Levent brought to my life but the most precious gift he
ever gave me was to show me that I was worthy of being loved. And for
that I will be forever thankful to him.
I went through a long thought process for this week’s catalyst. I even
created several pieces of art. Like several others, I was going to make
it about my son, but, like Becky already mentioned, I don’t think of him
as my accomplishment. He is so amazing and special all by himself. I was
then going to make it about coming to the United States. Moving here was
the beginning of a series of achievements for me and I consider it to be
the achievement that allowed all others. But the more I thought the more
I knew that wasn’t the right one either. So I finally opened my computer
and let my thoughts come together as they always seem to when I’m
typing. I think the journaling says the rest. More thoughts on the art
itself in the technique section below.
Journaling Reads:
I have accomplished a lot in my life. I got in to the college of my
dreams. At seventeen, I moved from Turkey to the United States. I
graduated from college in four years with an undergraduate and a masters
degree. I worked at a very selective Wall street firm and I got to
become a Vice President pretty quickly. I got accepted to a very
selective Nonprofit program. I married the man of my dreams. I quit
everything and started all over again in California. I started my own
photography business. I had an amazing baby who is now an amazing boy. I
became an American citizen. I got a job with Google and I’ve been
consistently doing well at my job. Just to list a few.
These were all goals I’d set for myself at some point or another. I am
good at achieving goals. I always have been. I work hard. I put my mind
to it and I get it. And then I quickly forget all about it and set the
next goal. the next challenge, the next mountain to climb. While I am
very proud of all my achievements and I do take many of them for granted
now. I look back upon them and think they were easy. They must have
been. I was able to accomplish them, wasn’t I?
Then I look at my achievements and they are all things I do. I am good
at work. I work hard. But I am not so good at creative. My very
organized, very structured mind doesn’t do so well with the
unstructured, big picture oriented art world. I’ve always craved being
more artistic. I’ve always wished I had that magical gene that made you
creative. The one that meant I could draw. I could see things and
imagine things the way other creative people did.
Alas, it appears I wasn’t waiting in that line when they were handing
out the genes.
So when I look back upon my life, especially the one I am leading now, I
am most proud of this place. Creative therapy. It’s something I created
to tell myself that I can be creative too. That creativity is not always
about drawing perfectly. It’s not about being the best designer. The
most talented artist.
I can create art too. I can even use it to grow. To learn. To reflect.
To dream.
This was my way of making myself create every week. It is my way of not
letting myself give up (like I did for writing). Letting the
conversations in my head go. Allowing myself to experiment. Giving
myself a space to create. Recurringly. Holding myself responsible.
Putting myself out there.
Sharing my art scares me. I never think I am good enough. I always think
people will laugh at me. People will say “who does she think she is to
be displaying her art?” It scares me more than any of my work
commitments ever did. It scares me more than having a baby did. It’s too
raw. It comes from the place of ultimate uncertainty and it’s exposing
something deep down that I normally prefer to leave in the dark.
So I am most proud of creative therapy. Proud that I have the guts to do
this week after week. That I have kept this commitment to myself. That I
have created this space for me and for others. I am proud that it exists.
I am proud that I wasn’t too scared to make it happen. I am still
scared. Every week.
But I am proud.
Technique Highlight:
I meant for this piece to feel raw. I used a sheet of old paper, put
gesso all over it and stamped it with pink paint. Pink for color of
skin. Since the journaling was really really long and personal and about
being scared, I made it a tiny font and printed it on a sheet of music
that I had also gessoed over. I stamped “ME” on the journaled paper to
emphasize the theme of “for me.” I added a few pink pieces to make sure
the little piece of paper didn’t get lost on top of the big one of the
same color. I put some butterflies to symbolize freedom and a photo of
me laughing for happiness. I stamped my title and sprayed some water
over it to give the sense of tears. It’s not nearly as beautiful as I
wish it were and it didn’t even come close to what I had in my head but
none the less, this is what came out.
1. Thankful that my cold finally seems to be gone. Not so happy about
the severe TMJ pain in its place but oh well.
2. For my little boy, who asked me for an apple last night, in bed. When
I said yes, he said, "Yey! You said yes. You're a good person." I love
him so much.
3. Thankful to Paulette for a wonderful painting class. For getting to
finish a full painting.
4. Thankful to have finished an assignment that I was sort of dreading.
5. Thankful for a week with a few less meetings than usual.
I finally finished my painting. It has a million flaws but I still love
it. It's my first. I won't be my last.
I had never meant for the girl to be sad but somehow the drawing I made
was sad, so I thought about it a long while as I made my last
assignment. I decided to give her some thoughts that have been on my own
mind. Here's the closeup.
I can't wait to get started on my second one. Thank you, Paulette. This
has easily been the best class I ever took.
1. This morning, on the way to school, David told me he works at Google.
"I have my own work, too," he said. I am so thankful for these moments.
2. A nice, thoughtful conversation with my friend Greta.
3. Finally feeling 98% better.
4. And maybe, just maybe finally getting some peace back, too.
1. Fran's good news. Made my day, Fran.
2. Beginning to a self-commitment. Let's see how long it lasts.
3. A wonderful video chat with my sister this morning. Love her so much!
1. Feeling rested. I've been getting a lot of sleep and it's been
well-needed.
2. Day two.
3. Starting a new painting.
4. Finishing one more deliverable. And Thankful for Fran's help. Yet
again.
5. Life. I am really thankful for life today.
1. Nice morning with Clark and Jake.
2. David telling me that I'm a good person and calling my art beautiful.
3. Good quality time with my boy.
4. Another new possibility.
5. A new painting.
6. Thankful for the possibilty that we might go camping tomorrow.
7. A new class. More to learn.
I could do two for these two days but it would make no sense to separate
these two magical days.
1. For the kindness and generosity of others.
2. For good friends and their good friends.
3. Nature.
4. Smores. My first ever.
5. Camp fires. My first ever.
6. Delicious, home-made food.
7. David, who was incredibly well behaved. Sweet. Funny. And slept
through the whole night.
8. Adam and all the others who were so kind to David and spent lots of
time with him.
9. Annie who let David play bocce.
10. An incredible, truly peaceful 24 hours.
This week's creative therapy catalyst
twenty-three is on things you hoard. I made mine about photos.
I spent a lot of time thinking about this week’s catalyst. While I am
definitely a pack rat, I don’t hoard one particular thing. I looked
around my house and my table and nothing jumped out at me. Until I saw
my camera. Yes, of course. I hoard photos. I take tons and tons of
photos every single day and I don’t get rid of nearly enough of them.
But, I guess in the grand scheme of things, photos and the memories they
preserve are not the worst things to hoard.
I've been meaning to post these American Crafts spotlights I made for A Million Memories but I keep
forgetting. This one holds the thirty-some photos from Hidden Valley Farm.
I've been meaning to post these American Crafts spotlights I made for A Million Memories but I keep
forgetting. This one holds the crazy amount of tulip photos I took
months ago.
1. A new office. Corner office. Beautiful view. Spacious. So very
thankful.
2. Some new design team members at AMM. So fun!
3. Feeling more rested and still happy.
4. Anticipation for new books and rereading some old ones.
1. Some more big news. This must be my month for having dreams come
true.
2. Thankful that next week I'll be working from home and spending some
time with David.
3. No headaches today. Thankful for that.
4. I started reading Artist's Way. I miss that book.
Thankful for a good week, so far.
1. The library. I love the library. Always makes me feel thankful.
2. A great new addition to the creative therapy team. So excited and
thankful.
3. A few phonecalls and some relief. Thankful to have resources.
4. My son. My husband. My life. So thankful.
1. Thankful that David was so well behaved at the dentists. Let's see if
he's this great when it's his turn.
2. Thankful that he napped at school today. Always thankful when he
naps.
3. Thankful for a delicious dinner out tonight.
4. Overall feeling thankful and peaceful lately.
1. A short but pleasant walk with the little one.
2. Big boy underwear. Sort of scared but thankful that I might have the
time to finally train him.
3. A calm, happy night. And no plans for the weekend.
1. Good times with good friends.
2. A lot of sleep. So much of it lately.
3. Not creating and yet not feeling guilty.
4. Some one-on-one time with my wonderful husband.
A few months ago, I took this class where we talked about who we are as
a whole and what we’d like to stand for in the world. We created three
to four areas of things that we stood for. My four were: peace, family,
changing the world, and creativity. These are the areas that inspire me.
I want to feel a strong sense of peace every day. I want to leave the
world better than I found it. I want to have strongly bonded and
supportive family. And I want to foster creativity within myself and
others.
For this week’s catalyst, I took a photo for each area and printed them
together. I then sewed between the photographs to create pockets and
inside each pocked I tucked two sets of journaling. One was a list of
things that inspire me around that category and the other was a list of
things I aspire to do in each area. Whenever I have to make a choice
about how to spend my time or how to decide around a commitment, I look
at this page and see if it fits within one of my squares. This makes
sure that the life I live is aligned with my priorities.
1. Spending a little extra time with David. So special.
2. Shopping at whole foods. Yummy fruits. And heirloom tomatoes.
3. Lots of sleep. Thankful to get so much sleep.
4. And some yummy goodies in the mail.
I worry about the stupidest things. Everything. All the time. It's what
I do. Worry. I don't know if I inherited it or just decided to take on
at some early point in my life.
I worry about big things too. My son. My marriage. My work. My health.
But really, most of my day to day life is worrying about the stupid
stuff. Whether David took a nap. If I ate too much. If I have enough
creative talent. If my house is clean enough (it never is). Does my son
eat enough veggies.
This week I'm working from home cause David's school is closed. And
instead of enjoying my time with him and being thankful that I am
getting to spend this much of it, I decided to potty train him and be
frustrated about it 24-7. I worry we waited too long and he's already
3.5. I worry he won't ever learn. I worry I'll scar him and make him
have bigger issues. I worry. I worry. I worry.
And so I am stressed. And then I am tired. It's so incredibly stupid.
Instead I should be thankful my son is healthy enough for me to be able
to toilet train him. Thankful that I get to be home this week and can
take the opportunity and time to do it. Thankful that I was able to have
a child. Honestly. It sounds stupid like the "be happy you have arms and
legs" that moms always say but honestly, Karen, it's time to shape up.
This one is for me to remember how I'm feeling at this moment. How
thankful I am to be alive and to have a little boy that I get to
toilet train.
1. Two pees in the potty! A sure sign of progress.
2. An important realization. Hopefully it will stick. I need to remember
and reread.
3. Heirloom tomatoes. They are amazing.
1. Four times in the potty today. Read them and weep! Four! That's every
single time. Besides the nap, that's ALL the peeing David did today and
each of them were in the potty. Woot!
2. I am thankful for fans today. It's hot beyond belief here.
3. The cleaning ladies. I am so thankful for how well they cleaned my
house. They are worth their weight in gold. In gold! Thankful beyond
belief.
THANKFUL TODAY - AUGUST 29, 2008 - SEPTEMBER 1, 2008
I figured since the last few days blended together I should do the
thankfulness together, too.
1. Resting. A lot. Thankful that I am allowing myself to do so.
2. More books from the library. I love the library.
3. Some family time. I never seem to get enough family time.
4. My sister. I love you. I love you so much.
5. Potty training going well. Gummy bears did the trick. We haven't
tried naptime or bedtime yet but the rest is quite well. Knock on wood
and thankful for Gummy Bears.
This week's creative
therapy catalyst is: "what's something you fear?"
Here's my
art. Journaling Reads:
When I first thought about this topic, I was going to take the easy
route. I was going to write about the dark. I’m afraid of the dark. Not
too much. Not enough to have to leave the lights on. But enough to feel
uneasy. Enough to rush through the dark to get to the light.
But that’s too easy.
There are so many other things I’m afraid of. I am afraid of being
alone. I grew up with friends who weren’t really my friends and who
tried to get out of inviting me to events as often as they could. Thus,
I’ve always felt unwanted. I’ve also always been a bit different from
the rest of my family so I grew up with a sense of not belonging.
Coupling the two makes me someone who’s really scared of being alone.
Someone who always thinks that the people around her will flee at the
first opportunity. I worry about this constantly. Even with Jake, who’s
been with me for fourteen years. I still think that, given the
opportunity, he would leave.
So I thought I would make my art about being alone. But then I realized
that there’s something I fear even more than that. Something so close to
my core that it makes me scared just thinking about it.
I am afraid of having a life unlived. A life of unrealized potential.
A life of never having had the guts. Never having tried.
Of all the things I could think of, this scares me the most. I want to
live life fully. I want to be able to look back and feel no remorse.
Feel no guilt. I don’t want to wish I could do it over again. I don’t
want to regret anything.
I always want to do so much and accomplish so much. My todo lists are
never below 30 items. But I want to make the time to reflect. To love.
To share. To be spontaneous. I want to turn my life upside down
occasionally just so I can relearn everything. So I can be sure I still
feel the same way about my decisions. I don’t want to take anything for
granted. Not a moment of my life wasted.
What scares me the most is being too scared to truly live.
1. Actually thankful to have gone into work for a few hours.
2. Thankful to have anything at all to do with Google Chrome, honored to be on
this team.
3. Feeling a bit more energized.
1. A small Google Chrome celebration. Reminded me again how special it
is to be a part of this team, however small.
2. Thankful to have finally crossed off a bunch of to-do list items off
my list.
3. Excited. Sad. Worried. But also thankful that David is back to school
tomorrow. It means I will have a normal schedule now.
4. Thankful for an upcoming class on peace. I could always use more peace.
1. First day of school and David naps and David loves class. He's such
an amazing kid.
2. Several more uses of the potty, I think we're on a roll.
3. Almost done with my perf work round one. Very glad and thankful.
Made this with AMM's
September Kit. I know it's simple but the story is not. This is one of
those stories i've been meaning to tell for months but never got around
to. this is from the day we took David to the local school to get tested
for speech therapy. While dh and i were all worried about how things
were going to work out, david was delighted to have found this car and
played for hours while we waited. he has always reminded me that nothing
is too big a deal and we should always have fun.
This was for Sunday's creative therapy
catalyst on one talent you wish you had.
I’ve always, always wished I were more creative. More artistically
capable. I’ve tried so many forms of art. I’ve drawn. I’ve written
novels. I’ve done photography. I’ve done jewelry making. I’ve done metal
arts. Scrapbooking. Painting. I love the idea of being creative and
artistically talented. It’s something that I crave and wish for daily.
Journaling Reads:
She always thought art could give her wings. And open windows to her
dreams. She craved the talent to create.
1. Getting to go to Pismo Beach with my boys without any planning. I
love being able to get in the car and just drive.
2. Happy Birthday my love. I love you so much.
3. Getting a lot of downtime and rest.
4. Being a part of good teams, working with good people.
5. Watching mindless TV. I am so glad TV is back.
This is for creative
therapy catalyst twenty-seven: tell us about a painful memory.
Journaling Reads:
This one is really painful. Maybe my most painful memory ever.
Years ago, I was fourteen, or maybe a little younger. In the summer, we
lived on this island and there were two groups of kids my age. The group
I belonged to and the other one. One day, we were upstairs in the club
house and the guy from my group was talking to a guy from the other
group and he said, “Well the only ugly girl in our group is Karen. All
the girls in your group are ugly.”
That’s it. That’s all it is. That tiny moment that the guy probably
doesn’t even remember. I’m sure he doesn’t remember. Why would he? It
was nothing to him. A few cruel words. Maybe not even cruel to him.
Maybe it was his honest opinion. He didn’t know I was there. He wasn’t
trying to hurt me.
But it did.
I was there. I heard it. It broke me. Permanently. Twenty years later, I
still feel like the ugliest girl. The only ugly girl in a group. In
every group. I look at myself and I am incapable of seeing anything
else. It’s the reason I’m always the girl who’s behind the camera and
not in front of it. It’s the reason I don’t dance. It scarred me then.
It scars me now. Just writing this down brings tears to my eyes, all
these years later.
It’s amazing how a teeny tiny moment has completely changed my life. My
personality. My self-confidence. The way I look at myself. The way I
carry myself. The way I think of myself. The way I see myself. Looking
at it now, it seems silly that I should have let it ruin how I see
myself. But I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to actually
let it go. It’s such a core part of who I am. It has become a fact such
a long time ago that I don’t know how to relearn. How to reform my
opinions of myself. It’s like redefining who I am.
It’s amazing how an ephemeral moment can leave such permanent scars.
This catalyst
was an easy one for me: * What’s a negative behavior or habit you have
overcome?
*
Journaling Reads:
Caffeine Free Diet Coke. 12 a day every day. i never drank alcohol. i
never smoked. but diet coke was my vice. my one vice. until david. yet
another present from my boy. (karen’s note: i quit diet coke when we
decided to get pregnant and haven’t had one in 4 years.)
This catalyst
was on someone you admire. Again, an easy one for me.
I knew from the first moment I read this catalyst that it would be about
my husband. My husband and I met and started dating fourteen years ago.
When I first met him, I admired him for his sense of humor, for this
confidence and ability to enjoy life every day. He was so much fun to be
around and always made me smile. I tend to be a “glass-half-empty” kind
of gal most of the time so being around him was pure joy.
As the years passed, I admired him for his intelligence and ability to
work hard, make good friends and seamlessly succeed in the “real” world.
He still continued to be fun, but now he was much more than that.
And then even more time passed and we got married and we built a life
together and we had a baby. And I’ve learned to admire my husband even
more. He’s patient. He’s kind. He’s loving. He’s generous. This is not
to say we haven’t had rough times or even questioned things over the
years. But we’ve always stuck with each other. We’ve always believed in
each other and each time I was weak, he was there to be strong for both
of us. He’s everything I’ve ever needed in my life from a husband, and
even more importantly, from a best friend.
This week's catalyst
is on a decision you made that ended up changing the direction of your life.
While this is not my favorite piece of art, I find it very intriguing
that all the big events of my life trace back to the moment I decided to
leave Turkey and move to the United States to attend college at Carnegie
Mellon. On a personal level, that’s where I met my boyfriend, whom I
then married and had a child with. On a professional note, CMU got me my
Wall Street job which I then quit to do Teach For America and finally
Google. It all started with that one decision to go to college in the
United States. A decision I will forever cherish.
For being gone for so long. It's been a rough and busy few weeks. Thank
you so much for all your kind messages and I am so sorry I had you
worried. All is ok, I assure you. More soon. Very soon.
This week's creative therapy's catalyst
thirty-one. This one was "What’s a novel that has impacted your life
and why?"
Here's what I wrote:
I read a lot and there are many books that have changed my life. To Kill
a Mockingbird, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Great Expectations and
The Little Prince just to name a few. Each of these books gave me
permanent lessons and made my life different. But Jonathan Livingston
Seagull stands above all of them for mostly one reason. It’s the first
book I read that changed me. It’s the first book that taught me that
books can change you. Change how you look at the world. Change how you
look at yourself. Change the possibilities of your future.
Jonathan Livingston Seagull taught me that it was ok to be different. To
have differing dreams and hopes than the people around you. How it feels
to be judged, but more significantly how it’s ok to be an individual. To
be different. It might even be at that moment that I decided to leave
Turkey one day and find more people like me in the world.
We went to San Francisco today to visit our friends Adam and Lesley.
David's been really into robots lately and was really excited to build
one with Adam.
I love taking scrapbooking classes. I love teaching them and I love
taking them. So I wanted to let you know about some other classes my
friends will be teaching in the next few weeks. I will be taking all of
them.
First up, is Becca who is one of my A Million Memories design
team members. I love Becca's clean yet absolutely stunning style and I
am looking forward to making this minibook with her. You can find a lot
more about the class here
and it also has the link on how to sign up.
Secondly, is my friend Vivian. I have loved and admired Vivian's art for
so long, I can't even tell you. Since she's all the way in Australia,
I've begged her to teach classes online since I've met her and I am so
so thrilled that she's finally doing so!! She's offering two
online workshops both of which look stunning to me and I cannot wait
to start them!!
The cleaning lady came this morning which means David couldn't make a
huge mess, so he lined up all of his toys on the shelf and asked me to
take a photo.
This week's catalyst
is: What’s your most prized possession?
Here's my text:
When I read this catalyst, the first thing that came to my mind were my
diaries. From nine to nineteen I wrote diaries every day. And I mean
every single day. I was the girl who never shared her secrets with
anyone but the dairies. I took them everywhere with me and all my
friends joked about reading them. But nothing deterred me. I never
shared my secrets and I loved having my diaries, knowing they never
betrayed me or shared my secrets with anyone.
After a while, I just stopped. I am not sure what did it but I didn’t
have the need or the will to write anymore. Maybe I finally started to
trust people or maybe I realized I like to share, I’m not sure. But I
haven’t successfully kept a diary since my Freshman year in college and
I don’t really miss it anymore. But I still cherish my diaries from
those years. The memories of the girl I was. The girl with the diaries.
So I am finally able to share why I've been so bad at posting and being
around lately. My little family is about to grow by one. We wanted to
make sure David had a sibling he could play with and we're so excited
that it all worked out.
I haven't been around much because I've been really really ill. I was
quite sick with David, too, but this time it's been quite worse. I've
had trouble holding down and food or water. A few weeks ago I was in the
hospital for an IV which helped turn things around a bit and now I am
able to hold a meal a day down on most days. I can't wait until this
nausea passes. If it's anything like David, the rest of my pregnancy
should be uneventful (hopefully!).
Anyhow, I am delighted to finally share and very excited for the new
member of our family.
I wanted to thank you for your good wishes. We're very excited and
thankful for this little baby. The last few weeks have been really rough
on me. I seem to have really bad morning sickness. I had a lot of this
with David, too, but this time it's almost worse. I can't seem to keep
enough water down so I have already been to the Urgent Care twice in the
last 5 weeks to get some extra water into my body. I am hoping the
nausea will be over soon but I wanted to let you know cause it's why
things are a bit intermittent over here.
On a wonderful note, the baby seems to be doing fine and I am eternally
thankful for that.
We posted catalyst
thirty-three over at creative therapy. This week's catalyst is: If
you had unlimited money to buy someone you know something, what would
you buy and for whom?
Here are my thoughts:
This is one of the few catalysts that had me thinking for a long time.
For some reason, I couldn’t come up with an answer. I thought and
thought. Finally, as I was driving to work one morning, the answer hit
me. I wanted to buy a bookstore, for me. Was it too selfish to use this
money for myself? Maybe. But I decided that’s what my catalyst was going
to be about anyway. Even if others think it’s selfish.
Years ago, I volunteered at this amazing bookstore in New York City.
This store looked the way bookstores should look. It has wooden, spiral
staircases. Tables everywhere for people to sit and browse. A little
coffee shop in the back to relax and enjoy. Fantastic, knowledgeable
staff. And some of the best speakers and authors came to read at the
store. The best part was that the bookstore was completely non-profit.
All the books were donated and all the proceeds went to this
organization that provided shelter and aid to people who were affected
by AIDS.
Ever since my years at that store, I’ve always wanted to have a
nonprofit bookstore of my own. One full of used, donated books. One with
a little coffee shop of its own. One with volunteers who love books as
much as I do. One where people love to visit and where great authors
come to read from their masterpieces. One where all the proceeds are
donated across nonprofits. My passion is education so I would start by
donating to nonprofits that favor education but my hope is that we can
affect change in some way. Even if it’s a tiny one.
Yes I skipped a whole bunch of days and no I am not feeling well just
yet but I spent a bunch of last night carving this awesome pumpkin and I
had to share!
I've been meaning to tell you about my friend Hilde's
upcoming class with A Million Memories. She's an amazing artist and
I have absolutely no doubt that this class is going to rock!
Between her class and Vivian's class I am excited to make some amazing
art journal pages this month!
David's been saying he wants a Spiderman costume for Halloween despite
the fact that I got a dinosaur one weeks ago so when I finally let him
try it on last night, I was thrilled to find out what he loved it and
immediately decided to tackle Daddy.
Today was the Google Halloween party for families. Another chance for
David to wear his costume and eat candy. This is my favorite photo
because it's clear that he can't see anything. But I couldn't resist
taking a closeup too of course.
Despite the rainy weather David had a blast going trick or treating in
the neighborhood. Funny enough, his favorite part was actually sitting
at home and greeting people who came to our door. He'd hold up the
bucket of candy and tell people to take "just one." He was so talkative,
so friendly and so happy.
I've been taking Vivian's polished pigments class. I made these in her
class and they don't do justice to her at all. I am not sure exactly
what didn't do it for me but I am sure I don't like these as much as I
had hoped.
We posted catalyst
thirty-four yesterday. It is: Tell us about a song that brings back
a memory. Tell us about the memory too.
Here are my words:
For me, songs are big buckets of memories. I have a long list of songs
where a few melodies can put me in a different location, mood, and
spirit immediately. Of all the songs in my list, one stands out above
and beyond the others. When I was a Junior in college, I started dating
the man who is now my husband. My Junior and Senior year, I spent a lot
of time in he and his roommate’s dorm. My Senior year, we all loved “Son
of a Preacherman” so much that we decided to play it on repeat. This
continued for an entire semester. The CD player was never off. When we
went to sleep, we’d lower the volume and when any of us walked into the
room, we’d say “Oh my God! turn it up! it’s my favorite song!!” This
became our own inside joke. When I think back to my college years, Son
of a Preacherman is one of my very favorite memories. A sign of fun
times and beginnings of a long lasting love.
Apologies for the delay, it took me a while to get all the names down.
My little boy didn't cooperate so I asked my office-mate to pick the
winner. Apologies for the blurry photo, it's really overcast here today.
Congrats Georgia, please email me so I can get your details for the class.
Our class starts next week today! If you're interested, you can sign
up here. I look forward to seeing you there!
Yesterday I got to vote. For the first time in a US Presidential race.
It was a huge deal for me and something I've been looking forward to for
a long long time. I was so excited I took tons of photos. Everyone was
looking at me like I was crazy. But I wasn't. I love being part of this
system.
While I wasn't looking David decided to self-potty-train. I am so proud
of him. Bad photos, I know but I like this one of him on the potty, and
then I picked him up from school and he hadn't napped so a few minutes
after getting home he was snacking and next thing I knew, he was
snoring. My little boy.
I have finally started catching up on Cathy's Design Your Life class. So
last night I did ten layouts in one night. They are simple but I love
them. Here comes all of them.
Journaling Reads:
Even with a completely busted lip, you always have the best sense of
humor. You smile, you laugh, you don’t let any of it get to you. When
you fell at school, I was really worried, but I didn’t want to show it.
I’m your Mommy and I’m supposed to be strong for both of us. But, the
fact is, you didn’t need it at all. You’re plenty strong for both of us.
Although it’s hard for me to look at these, I thought it was important
for me to preserve this. You’re a little boy and, most likely, you’ll
have many scraped knees and busted lips in your future and if (or
‘when’) those occur, I’ll be able to look and remember your strong spirit.
Journaling Reads:
There are many things I am good at as a Mom but singing you songs is not
one of them. I always say that I didn’t grow up here so I don’t know
many children’s nursery rhymes, but the fact is I am too shy. I don’t
like my voice and I don’t like to sing, even just to you. But I am
really lucky that your teachers don’t feel the same way. They’ve taught
you many songs and, even better, you come home and sing them to me. On
this particular day, you decided to teach me this new song but you only
knew bits and pieces of it. After I heard a few of the words, I looked
it up on YouTube and, sure enough, you were telling it correctly. The
story of five little monkeys who were teasing the alligator and how he
snapped all of them one by one. Thanks to you, I’ve learned a little
story and maybe when the next little one comes, you can teach it to your
sibling, too.
Journaling Reads:
We bought this guitar a few years ago. At the time, you played with it
for a bit but, as always, you grew tired of it. I’ve learned that the
trick is to put each toy away for a while and then to take it out as if
it’s a new toy. Then you get to enjoy it all over again. Each time you
get the toy, you discover some new way to play with it. My rockstar!
Journaling Reads:
A few weeks ago Daddy bought you this little robot to put together but
he didn’t want to open it until a special occasion presented itself. So
when our friend Adam moved into the city and we wanted to visit, we told
you we’d build robots in Adam’s new house. But then I got sick and we
couldn’t go for weeks. When the time finally came, you were so excited
that I made sure you had two robots. You wouldn’t stop talking about the
robots all the way up to San Francisco and the few hours we spent at
Adam’s were some of your favorite moments of the weekend.
Journaling Reads:
This is the face you make when you really want something. I know Daddy’s
pretty good at resisting it but I’m really not. All it takes is for you
to look at me with those beautiful blue eyes and my heart melts
completely. Unfortunately for me, you totally know this and take
advantage of it as often as you can. Little boy, you should milk it as
much as you can, it may not last a lot longer.
Journaling Reads:
Your grandparents all live quite far away so each time they visit it’s
such a treat for all of us, but especially for you. When your Daddy’s
Mommy comes, she makes sure to spoil you and make you laugh a lot so I
love the fact that I was able to capture these few photos of how much
fun you two have.
This week's catalyst
is: What’s your philosophy of life? (Tell us a quote that conveys it,
show us photos from it, express in your own words.)
We have the one and only Ali Edwards this week so you must go
visit.
Here are my words:
I made this layout well before the election and I know that these three
little words have such a bigger meaning now but this has always been my
personal motto, so I wanted to put a note to let everyone know it isn’t
politically intended. Regardless of which way you lean politically, I
think believing in yourself and your ability to do anything you want is
a very powerful message for all of us.
Journaling Reads:
There are many things I believe in. The power of love. The generosity of
others. Kindness.
But one particular phrase has now become my philosophy of life.
“Yes, I can.”
Throughout my life, many different people told me about things I
couldn’t do. “With those grades, you can’t get into that college,” “I’m
afraid you can’t sign up for this class, you’re too young,” “You can’t
get that job,” “You can’t learn Japanese at the age of twenty-six,
you’re too old.” These are just a few of the hundreds of such comments
people shared with me.
Encouraging, isn’t it?
Well, it turns out, for me, it is actually encouraging. It turns out I
can’t stand hearing the word “You can’t.” I hate the idea of anyone
telling me what I can or cannot do. So once I hear those words, I
suddenly have all the energy I need to prove them wrong.
A few years ago, I stumbled into this Mark Twain quote, “Keep away from
people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that,
but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” It
immediately became my favorite quote. I totally agree with what he says.
Small people. I love to prove them wrong.
I believe anyone can succeed at anything they want to. Anyone. I believe
I can do anything I put my mind to. I have. Over and over again. I
believe life is too short to live amongst small people. I believe it’s
important to surround yourself with people who are amazing and to let
them encourage you to be your very best, as well.
Each time you hear that little voice inside you that wonders if you can
achieve something you really want, hear this:
My class at NYC Scraps just
started today. It's still not too late to sign
up. There's a special deal where you get $5 off if you refer a
friend. Hope to see you there!
Here's my entry:
I try hard not to lie, but when we found out we were expecting and I was
only four weeks along, I had to keep it a secret for 9 weeks until I got
the OK from the doctor. During that time I was very ill, throwing up
several times a day, which made it that much harder to keep it a secret.
People invited us to dinner parties and lunches and I had to keep lying.
People at work started to wonder why I was sick all the time and my
friends were curious why I dropped off the face of earth. It was the
hardest secret to keep and some of the most difficult weeks of my life.
Now that the cat’s out of the bag, it feels great not to have to lie
anymore.
Journaling Reads:
I am really bad at keeping secrets. Especially when it’s good news. So
when I found out that I was pregnant (It took three tests for me to
believe my own eyes.) and it was only four-weeks, I knew we were going
to have to keep this secret for a long time. And then I got sick. Really
bad nausea meant that our little secret became a collection of lies.
Reasons why I was so tired, why I was unable to eat, why I looked so
white. Eight weeks of lying later, I was finally able to share and it
felt so good to tell everyone. To finally acknowledge you in front of
everyone. Can’t wait to see you, little one.
I finally sat down to put together my December Daily album. Here's what
it looks like now. Apologies on low quality on some, the light here is
not so great. Since New Year's Day is my favorite day ever, this goes
all the way to the end of December.
But I already picked my word of the year for next year. It's "Bloom" and
I ordered this beautiful necklace from the amazing Lisa Leonard. It says Bloom and
Peace. I love love love it.
Apologies for the lack of updates. We've had both my parents and Jake's
parents visiting this past week so I've been behind on some to-dos.
We've had a wonderful Thanksgiving for the first time with all
grandparents around. It was quite special.
Last week's catalyst
was: Today you get an extra hour, what will you spend that time on?
I wrote:
There are always so many things on my to-do list but if I had one extra
hour I would want to spend it with my son and my husband, I can never
get enough of either in my life.
I wanted to note that after I made this art journal page, I immediately
felt like it wasn’t that good. Certainly not good enough to be in the
company of these amazing artists, but then I remembered my own words:
this is not a competition. It did make me feel better to make the art. I
do love my son so much and I really do want to spend all my hours with
him. So my art was therapeutic and true. That’s all that matters in the
end. I’ve heard some comments that people don’t want to participate
because they feel their art isn’t good enough. I promise you that your
art is good enough. If it’s authentic to you, it’s absolutely beautiful
and I hope you choose to share it with us so we can enjoy it, too.
This week's catalyst
is: Tell us about something you don’t appreciate enough. (something that
you take for granted)
I wrote:
I don’t know what I did to be the luckiest Mom in the world, but I
really feel like I am so blessed. Maybe every Mom thinks her kid is
wonderful but so many strangers tell me how special you are every day.
You’re kind and generous. You are sweet and helpful. You are pensive and
quiet. Yet when I go out with you, you talk to everyone. You can walk up
to a stranger and start a conversation. You go, “Hi, I David. I three
years old.” And people can’t help but laugh. Which you then take as your
cue to keep talking. You can play with anyone, you’re not choosy. I love
all of this about you.
But my favorite thing is what I see when I watch you when you’re not
looking. When you’re lost in your own little world, playing with your
cars or trains or blowing bubbles. You have such a rich fantasy life;
you can play for hours by yourself and you tell yourself stories.
Sometimes I interrupt and ask you what you’re saying and you say, “I
talking to myself Mommy.” I guess in that way you’re my little boy. A
self-content little boy.
David, I don’t know how I got so lucky as to have a son like you but I
want you to know that I will never take any moment of it for granted.
Journaling Reads:
when i was a little girl, my mom used to tell me that she wished she were
a kangaroo so she could carry me around in her pocket all day long. i
thought she was crazy. now that i have you, i know exactly what she
meant. i look at you and wish i could hug you so tight and carry you
with me everywhere because i love you so much my little boy.
Journaling Reads:
you teach me lessons everyday.
watching you live life so fully and simply
and today you taught me the importance of trying and not giving up the
way you kept trying to blow bubbles even though
you couldn't do it
and the joy in your face when you finally figured it out
made me remember
that sometimes it's important to keep trying
thank you, my son.
Journaling Reads:
some people come into your life for a reason
i still remember the day we met. the day we went to the mall.
we watched lion king. the way we laughed for hours together
i remember thinking we would never last
it all felt too normal too nice
it wasn't supposed to be this easy
but i was wrong
you were the perfect man for me all along
you are so much more than i ever dreamt of, so much more than i deserve
you are my best friend
you accept me the way i am
crazy as i am.
you are the only person with whom i can be myself and not worry
you stick by me
you love me
i don;t know what i did to get so lucky
but i am so thankful
thank you for always being there
always being you
always letting me be me
thank you for fourteen years
for the love
friendship
for always being by my side
i love you
always and forever
Today was the ultrasound for the little one and after almost two hours
he or she still refused to turn around so I'm going to have to go back
on Tuesday. Oh well, it was still a lot of fun. And I wanted to make
sure not to forget our new tradition this year: stockings.
These layouts are for Cathy's Design Your Life class. They are meant to
be plain.
Journaling Reads:
Pismo beach is one of your Dad and my favorite places on earth. I can’t
even explain why we love it so much but we do. During our trip to San
Luis Obispo, we took one day and drove down to the beach and it ended up
being the most magical day of the whole trip. There’s something, maybe
the air or the water, that relaxes us and puts us in a happy mood. It
must have worked its magic on you, too because you loved walking around
and playing in the sand and watching the water. At the end of the day,
we sat at a restaurant and ate a delicious meal, putting a perfect end
to a perfect day.
When I look back at these photos, they still make me smile in memory of
the warm, beautiful, and relaxing day we had as a family. It also
reminds me that we need to take more vacations like these. We need to
take trips and spend some quality family time together. After all,
what’s more important than that?
These layouts are for Cathy's Design Your Life class. They are meant to
be plain.
Journaling Reads:
When I went to shop for Halloween costumes this year, there was nothing
for your size, except this dinosaur costume. I wasn’t sure how it was
going to turn out but, as always, you wore it with much joy and it was a
big hit. While you loved the Googleween, and going around the
neighborhood for candy, your favorite part of this Halloween was opening
the door when others came to visit us. “Trick or treat!” you would cheer
loudly, even though I told you many times that you weren’t supposed to
say that. They were. You didn’t care. You had fun and that’s all that
mattered to you. Well little boy, that’s all that matters to me, too. It
was so much fun watching you give candy and tell people that they could
only have one!
These layouts are for Cathy's Design Your Life class. They are meant to
be plain.
Journaling Reads:
I remember this day so clearly. It was one of those rare occasions when
I was home and wanted to enjoy the sun, so I took my book and sat in my
chair in the backyard. Within seconds, you had all your toys outside so
you could play next to me. I am so happy that I have a best friend like
you; someone who always like to be with me and likes to play near me.
You bring so much joy into my life and you have the perfect balance of
being able to entertain yourself and yet stick close-by so we can share
lots of memories together.
These layouts are for Cathy's Design Your Life class. They are meant to
be plain.
Journaling Reads:
Thanksgiving isn’t usually a big holiday for me. I didn’t grow up here
and even sixteen years later, I still don’t really feel excited by it. I
like having family around so that you can learn about its importance and
start your traditions around it. This year was a special surprise for us
because both Mommy’s and Daddy’s parents decided to come visit us. We
went to the park, we watched Wall-e, we played the Wii, we went to
restaurants, ate lots of cake and candy, everyone read to you and played
with you and brought you tons and tons of presents. You got to stay up
late. Not to mention the delicious Thanksgiving meal Papi cooked for us.
This was a special holiday, indeed and I wanted to make sure that you
didn’t miss a moment of it so I made a minibook and this little page so
you can look back and remember our rare and special holiday with the
whole family.
The catalyst
is up. It's: What was a dream you had as a child (about your future);
did it come true or not? If it did, was it what you hoped it would be
and if it didn’t are you disappointed?
Here're my words:
Since as far back as I can remember, my biggest dream was to leave home
and go pave my own path. I wanted to make my own mistakes, live my own
life, make my own choices. I certainly did leave my home (Istanbul) and
moved very far away. I made a new life for myself here in the United
States, and I am really lucky to say that, so far, I’ve loved every
moment of it. I miss my family a lot but I love paving my own path, even
with its bumps along the way.
I have a strong belief that any particular moment couldn’t be possible
without all the ones that came before it. So to pick on moment without
acknowledging the others wouldn’t be fair since, without them, I could
have never had that particular moment.
I’ve had many magnificent moments in my life: coming to the US,
graduating from college, getting my green card, marrying my husband,
giving birth to my son, being pregnant with my second. There are too
many to count. But at this moment, I am happiest I’ve ever been. I feel
content, peaceful, optimistic and thankful. I know it wouldn’t have been
possible without all the moments that came before this so I am thankful
for every moment that led to this one and for this very moment.
This might sound funny but the best piece of advice I ever got was from
husband. Before I met him, if the phone rang, I had to get it
immediately. It didn’t feel like a choice, more like something I was
required to do. He taught me that just because it’s ringing, I don’t
have to get it right now. It sounds silly, but it’s actually a statement
about priorities and owning my own life. Deciding when to do what and
not letting others dictate it for me, not even a telephone. It might
sound silly but, for me, it was profound.
Catalyst
Forty is: What’s a principle you firmly believe?
This is the quote that resonates the most with my principles. People are
quick to complain about the world we live in; they are quick to judge.
Yet they are not nearly as quick to jump in and help make change. I
believe we’re all part of the problem and we all need to be part of the
solution. Change begins with you. Be the change you want to see in the
world. If we all did that, imagine how amazing things would be.
Yes, Karen is an ordinary name but when you remember that I was born and
raised in Istanbul, Turkey, doesn’t it seem so much less ordinary? I
love my name cause, in my own way, I feel like my parents must have
known that I was going to end up needing a nice, American name so I love
my name to bits.
Catalyst
Nineteen is: Create art around one of your quirks/idiosyncrasies.
I never learned how to really drive until I was thirty. I left Turkey
before the legal age to get a license (eighteen) and then went to
college where I didn’t need a car. And then I lived in New York for
seven years, where, again, you didn’t need a car. So I was almost thirty
by the time we moved to San Diego where you couldn’t do anything without
a car. Let me be the first to say that learning to drive at thirty is
not the same as when you’re sixteen and dying to have some freedom. It’s
scary.
So here we are, four years later, and now I can drive. Well, just
barely. I still don’t get on the freeway. I am still pretty nervous.
But, I can go to work, to the library, and grocery store. I can also go
to David’s doctor’s and mine. That’s about all I need. For now at least.
OH, have I mentioned I can’t ride a bike either? Yes, I know. I am
transportation-challenged. Then again, I can walk just fine.
I have many things I dream of when I think of my ideal home. I have a
size in mind, a style in mind, and a place in mind. But then I change my
mind. I loved New York. I dreamt of living in Tuscany. Over a lake. With
a big yard. Several stories. Overlooking the ocean. The places, the
sizes, the colors, even the locations change. But the one and only thing
that doesn’t change is who’s there with me. Jake and David are my
family. Anywhere they are is my home. They are my home.
Journaling Reads:
Each time I look at this photo, I smile and feel a strong sense of
peace. It reminds me you two are all I need and want out of life. You
are my why. My home.
Yesterday we went to watch a magician at the Children's library. It was
so cute watching David try to be picked but also be quiet. We then went
to the park and overall had a magnificent day. I rarely get to spend so
much time with David and I felt so happy to be with him.
We took a trip to San Francisco today. We rode the Caltrain for the
first time, we saw the Christmas tree in Union Square, we sat at Macy's
and then we met Daddy for his company Christmas party.
Today was all about school. David made latkes and then he was the
shabbat helper. It was really wonderful. Originally, I had an envelope
for today but there was so much to write that I took it off and put
these pages instead.
Today's all about getting ready for the big day. Making salty treats for
Mommy and sweet ones for Daddy. Cleaning up the house and, of course,
tulips. Beautiful tulips.
I hope you're all enjoying the holiday season. Over here we celebrate
Hannukah, Christmas and New Year's so it's a long month of merriness. We
had a marvelous morning of waffle breakfast, opening presents, painting
David's new solar system and now he's napping while Mommy relaxes for a
bit. Hope yours is going wonderfully as well.
2009 Promises to be a busy year for me. I have long list of important
deliverables at work in the first three months of the year. And then our
little baby is due on the fourth month of the year which, I am sure,
will make the next few months a blur. Not to mention a possible move.
Knowing all this, I don't want to make too many commitments for myself
for next year because I hate letting myself down and I don't want to set
myself up to fail. Also because 2009 is the year I am cutting myself
some slack (more on this later).
But, of course, if I didn't set a few goals, I wouldn't be me. So over
the next few days I'll be thinking of and committing to these goals. On
the scrapping side, I am thrilled to have come up with a project that
combines a few of my goals:
1. I loved doing the December Daily
album this year. The restrictions of the precut pages was liberating and
gave me more creativity. But I knew there's no way I could do it all
year round and I've been searching for a way to continue the magic.
2. I wanted to use up some of my paper stash that's been building. I
have a lot of "old" paper I love and I don't want to keep buying and
never use these.
3. Like 2008, I wanted to make sure I do each week's creative therapy prompt.
The other artists do them on a schedule but I've done every single one
so far and I really wanted to find a way to continue that in 2009. I
love the therapeutic aspect of CT but the pregnancy took away all my
mojo and between that and the baby, I was worried there was no way I was
going to get to them all. I needed a simpler solution.
So today, I decided to combine all three. I made a 7x8 minibook that is
prefilled with a lot of the "old" papers I love. Cut and placed in
random order. This is my 2009 Creative Therapy book. Each page will be
one catalyst. I'll do the catalyst on one side and print out the date,
topic, and my thoughts that go on the site to adhere on the other side.
This restricts me to a 7x8 page and pre-chosen paper.
I know it's working because I've already completed four catalysts
today! This might mean my pages aren't as varied next year but I am ok
with that and I reserve the right to change my mind. So far so good.
Here's a glimpse at my book:
Looking back, this has appeared to be an uneventful year. At least
compared to what's coming in 2009. But, I think this was the year that
set the groundwork for a great 2009. Jake getting a job, my getting
pregnant, and David being fully in school is each a promise for an
interesting, exciting new year that will take our little family to the
next level.
I am excited about 2009. Worried, too, of course, as it's my style. But
mostly excited. For now, I am happy to say good-bye to a great year.
Tomorrow, we'll say hello to the new one.
I hope you and your loved ones have a fantastic New Year's Eve. We're
planning a quiet one over here, filled with Turkish food, cuddles, and
great TV.
Here's the second project of 2009 for me. I was one of the lucky people
to get one of Becky Higgins' Kits of the Month called Project 365. It's
organized such that when you have an open spread you see a full week's
worth of journaling and photos. Since I have a new baby coming in a few
months, I thought it wouldn't be fair to do another Daily David and
there was no way I could commit to two photos a day (I'll be lucky if I
can keep up one a day.)
So I like this idea of a photo of a day with a little story each day.
Sometimes it will be just David. Sometimes me, sometimes Jake. Sometimes
all of us. Sometimes about the new baby. Sometimes about some other bit
of life. I have a feeling it will end up quite wonderful.
I am hoping I can keep up with it and I feel optimistic. Like last year,
I'll post the photos here, too so it can keep me honest and my family
and friends can watch along.
David's been wanting to watch Star Wars for a while but we needed to
find just the right moment since it's a movie to watch with Daddy and
not Mommy. So we promised him that on New Year's Day, he could watch the
movie with Daddy. He's been talking about it nonstop for days.
So this morning they put it on and watched half of it. And then we met
friends for breakfast in San Fran, came home, took naps, recorded a
quick video for my grandmother's upcoming 90th birthday, and then they
sat down to watch the rest of it while I did some art.
I can't remember when I gave up making resolutions but I have. I decided
I don't want to wait until the first day of the new year to be a new me.
Why not do it today?
Not that I stuck to them when I used to make them. I have realized over
the years that I will never be as thin as I want to be or do as many
things as I'd like to get done in a day or year. The books won't really
get written, until they do. I won't learn as much, be as much, read as
much, give as much as I'd like to. Until I do. And when I do, I will.
The first day of the year won't change any of these facts and why tie it
to something so random?
What I am trying to do instead is have more focus areas for myself each
year. Sort of aligned with Ali Edwards' word of the year, I am picking
themes for myself and trying to make sure I focus on it all year long so
it's ingrained in who I am by the end of the year. Last year, my word
was "journey." I wanted to focus on enjoying the journey that is life
and not always the destination. Enjoy the little moments. Appreciate
life. Stop. Breathe. Look Around. I think I achieved some of it and, of
course, it will be ongoing work but I do feel it to be more a part of
who I am now.
I decided on this year's word a few months ago when I was preparing a
class I taught (which is when I made the calendar photographed above).
Anyone who really really knows me would know that I am not peaceful. I
don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I've always felt different and
not in a good way. Like something's wrong with me. Like I don't belong.
Like I am not good enough. And will never be.
This is not tied to any particular achievement. I've achieved a lot in
my life. I've been really lucky and blessed to have a great education,
fantastic career, amazing and loving husband and truly the best kid in
the world. And that's just a few of them. But this feeling of not
measuring up (to something undefined) doesn't go away. I compare to
others constantly but only in ways where I feel like I am not as good.
Not as intelligent. Not as pretty. Not as nice. Not as talented. I can
go on and on.
So this year I decided to work on the most important concept of all (for
me.) Achieving peace and blooming into my own. This is my year to
discover and embrace who I am. Be the best of me and love it. Relax and
not criticize myself. Not compare myself to anyone. Not worry about
being not good enough. Stop and appreciate the truly amazing things in
my life. Be thankful. Shed the past and be open and welcoming to the
great future. But mostly be in the present.
God willing, I will have another baby this year and I want to make sure
my kids have a peaceful mom who is happy with who she is (flaws and
all). I want to make sure my husband has a wife who is happy. If there's
one thing I'd like to teach my kids, it's that it's ok to be whomever
they are. And how better to teach it than by example?
Here's David dancing to Pink's "So What." His new favorite song. He
rocks out while the song plays and I love watching all of his moves and
the faces he makes.
Another quiet day in the household. David and I spent the morning
relaxing in bed while I read a book and he watched Thomas on the DVD
player. Then we read some books together on the couch and I caught up on
my email and blogs. I have bit of a list of chores to do today like
getting groceries and doing laundry and cleaning up my scrap space which
has gotten completely out of control. But nothing urgent and it's nice
to know that I can just take the day to relax and read and enjoy my life.
And, yes, my Christmas stuff is still up. I decided I won't take
anything down until the next garbage day which is Thursday next week so
I can enjoy my tree for another few days.
I started the day by talking to my sister over iChat. We have some
special upcoming family events so there's been much organizing over the
computer. I like this photo even though it's low quality because it
shows the twenty things happening at the same time. Chatting with my
sister, backing up David's DVDs as he sits next to me looking through
them, reading my blogs, all at the same time. Not to mention the crowded
couch showing my anti-nausea medication, the bills I still have to pay,
and just the overall chaos of finishing off last minute chores.
This is what Project
365 is for me, capturing our daily, ordinary life for a whole year.
My text is right from the blog entry a few days ago:
Anyone who really really knows me would know that I am not peaceful. I
don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I’ve always felt different and
not in a good way. Like something’s wrong with me. Like I don’t belong.
Like I am not good enough. And will never be.
This is not tied to any particular achievement. I’ve achieved a lot in
my life. I’ve been really lucky and blessed to have a great education,
fantastic career, amazing and loving husband and truly the best kid in
the world. And that’s just a few of them. But this feeling of not
measuring up (to something undefined) doesn’t go away. I compare to
others constantly but only in ways where I feel like I am not as good.
Not as intelligent. Not as pretty. Not as nice. Not as talented. I can
go on and on.
So this year I decided to work on the most important concept of all (for
me.) Achieving peace and blooming into my own. This is my year to
discover and embrace who I am. Be the best of me and love it. Relax and
not criticize myself. Not compare myself to anyone. Not worry about
being not good enough. Stop and appreciate the truly amazing things in
my life. Be thankful. Shed the past and be open and welcoming to the
great future. But mostly be in the present.
God willing, I will have another baby this year and I want to make sure
my kids have a peaceful mom who is happy with who she is (flaws and
all). I want to make sure my husband has a wife who is happy. If there’s
one thing I’d like to teach my kids, it’s that it’s ok to be whomever
they are. And how better to teach it than by example?
I know, I know, another computer screen photo with not much to see. But
there's a story and a good one. Today's my grandmother Maya's 90th
birthday. My whole family and her friends and loved ones are all
celebrating in a restaurant in Istanbul and my wonderful sister found a
way for me to be there without flying there.
At the end of their dinner, we used the wonderful iChat to connect to
them live so Jake and I could wish her the best birthday. David was
excited about the idea but got shy in the last minute, so he didn't come
to the screen. It was really special and for a few moments I felt like I
was there with them. Happy Happy Happy Birthday Omamika, to many many
many more!!!
In case we couldn't make a connection I'd prerecorded a message to her
and then we also made a movie the three of us. here's that movie. It's quite funny.
Just so you don't think I'm not taking photos of the little boy, here's
a shot of David watching Winnie the Pooh on his little DVD player.
The year's finally started today. David's back to school and I am back
to work. It feels good to be back in the routine but I miss him already.
We still have our Christmas tree up too so I am not ready to let go of
it all just yet. I gave myself one more week. Here are a few shots of
David from this morning. He's been loving the lightsaber and plays with
it constantly.
Today's my mom and dad's 40th wedding anniversary. 40 years...wow! My
sister came up with this amazing idea of getting them 40 roses, each
with a message of why we're so thankful to them. Some are more generic
like we're thankful that you taught us right from wrong and some are
specific like thank you for a fantastic trip to Disneyland, etc. So I
asked my sister to snap a photo for me so that I could keep the memory.
Here's the photo. And here are all the translated reasons (the originals
are in Turkish).
For being our mom and dad
Daddy, for always being a kid with us
Mommy, for never putting up with our acting spoiled
For accepting your son-in-laws as if they were your own kids
For always giving love without expecting it in return
Daddy, for being the most fun grandfather
Mommy, for always showing us the cup's half full side
For putting us first in your life
For raising us with the right values
Daddy, for putting on unforgettable parties for us
Mommy, for teaching us to be thankful every day
For always managing to stay young at heart
Daddy, for explaining us the values of our roots
Mommy, for always putting up with us
Mommy, for teaching us not to worry about penny-accounting
Daddy, for teaching us to never hurt anyone
Daddy, for staying with us with love each time we got sick
For being the best grandmother
Mommy, for teaching us to save money
Daddy, for quitting smoking even though it was incredibly difficult for
you
Daddy, for never hurting our feelings
Mommy, for your creativity and always being an example to us
Mommy, for being near us under every condition as we became mothers
Daddy, for watching movies with us for hours when we were little and
translating every word
Daddy, for teaching us math with games
For always urging us to do anything we wanted in life
For always sharing every topic we were interested in
Mommy, for warning us that true friendship is rare and hard to find
Daddy, for taking the time to save our memories
For an unbelieavable and unforgettable Disney World trip
For teaching us honesty and integrity
Mommy, for teaching us the importance of standing on our own two feet
For getting remarried (to each other)
For encouraging us to learn foreign languages from a young age
For emphasizing the importance of sisterhood
For telling us family is more important than anything else
For giving us the opportunity to see different countries and meet
different cultures
For your unlimited patience and understanding
For accepting both your daughters as who they each are
For reminding us the importance of love every minute of every day
We love you because for 40 years for each other, for 38 years for yona,
35 years for Karen, 15 years for Jake and Isaac, 10 years for Axel and
Jeff, and 4 years for David, you were by our side for each joy and
sorrow and we cannot imagine a life without you.
We love you.
This morning when I took David to school, his teachers told me about how
he loves playing with these trains and likes to make a really long one.
The classroom is really dark (especially since it's cloudy outside, too)
so I wasn't able to capture anything better. But I love this photo cause
he's smiling and the way he's sitting is exactly how little kids sit. I
am pretty proud of myself for letting imperfections go and just
capturing daily life. Trust me, it's not easy for me.
I also decided I want to learn a lot more about Photoshop this year and
concentrate on bettering my photography as well, something I constantly
strive to do. It's good for my business but it's good for me. I love
taking photos so why not be better at it?
And here's a shot from the tree which will probably start coming down
today. I honestly am still not ready to take it down yet.
I know I should stop adding new projects to what promises to be an
already very full year but after this one I only have one more in mind
so I think I'm close to the end.
For this project, I decided to combine my own version of Julie's Project
52 with Emily's 52Q.
I wanted to spend more time trying new techniques, exploring and seeing
what I like so I made a list of all the techniques I could think of
(almost all of which doesn't require me to buy any new supplies of any
kind.) I ordered manilla tags so that I can do a tag a week using
Emily's questions as my prompts and a tehcnique from my list. I used
Excel to randomize my list (I am a computer geek afterall) and I'm only
allowed to go up or down 4 in the list each week for my technique just
so I don't spend too much time picking one.
Since the tags are still on order, this might take another week to start
or I might just make my own tag for this week, we'll see. But here's the
list of all my techniques.
Misters (tim's mini misters)
3-dimensional embellishments
water soluble crayons
brayer/paint
Vinyl
paper pleating
paper piecing
Wire
make my own flowers
something with a lot of ink/watercolor like debee
play with transparencies (made at home)
UTEE
create a lot of layers/depth
Metal embellishments
resist ink/castaway ink...
Fabric
Sanding
Polymer Clay (SculpeyIII)
beeswax
bubble wrap
Diamond Glaze
gum arabic/pearlex
alcohol inks
Chalking
flocking
Acrylic paint (dabber or golden)
use only rubons
Grungeboard
masking
spray paint
microbeads
Masking Tape
bleach
doodling
Machine Stitching
printing on canvas (using canvas in general)
Something with stamping
Fragment charms
something with complicated stitching
Alcohol ink mixatives
crackle paint/glaze
do one of tim's tags
Stickles/distress or otherwise
Vintage
embossing
Glossy accents
Glimmer Mist
Felt
paper poking
Distress Ink
hand stitching/emboridery
something with metal
I picked tags cause they are small and make this project more manageable
for me. This will be my version of an art journal this year.
Today I just wanted a smiley boy. He's doing his weird smile but I still
love it.
The Christmas tree is still not down here but we've already gotten back
into the routine of things. I generally start my day by checking my
mail, reading AMM, and my
RSS feeds. I make breakfast for David and then jump in the shower. We
then both relax as we eat our food. I make David's lunch for school and
we both get ready and we're out the door. I drop David off at school and
get to work and our days begin.
It might sound boring or tiresome but I love routine and I love this
one, especially on a morning like this when I miraculously woke up
before David and he slept all the way to 8am. This never happens. I have
a lot of work today for both my job and a scrapping project I am working
on so I needed the little bit of extra sleep and the quiet time in the
morning, so I feel extra blessed for the tiny break I got.
Well, off to start our day. May yours be a wonderful one.
Another one of the little boy. You know I will have a lot of those this
year. See the crooked smile again? When I ask him if I can take his
photo, he immediately dons this face. This is on the way to school. He
likes to run down this road and this morning he had a small snack of
pretzels and wouldn't let go of them as he ran.
Things have been hectic in 2009 already. Working on a big dream I had
that is so far promising to come true before the little one arrives.
Christmas tree is still up and I just decided I am not ready to take it
down yet, so there. Other than that life is same old same old here. I am
really exhausted the last two days, not sure if it's the pregnancy, the
hours of work I'm putting into the aforementioned dream, or the fact
that David's been waking up in the middle of the night and requesting
hugs and kisses. Either way, I am glad the weekend is coming soon.
2009 PROJECTS - PROJECT 4 - 12 MONTHS WITH PHOTOSHOP
Ok. Here's my final planned project for 2009. As you will notice the
numbers go down: 365 photos, 52 tags, 52 catalysts, and now 12 areas of
focus. I want to make sure these projects are realistic and no more than
I can handle in one year, especially on a year when I'm expecting a baby.
As I mentioned a few days ago, I'd like to learn to use Photoshop
better. I've been using Photoshop since 1992 and while I've learned a
lot over the last sixteen years, I really haven't learned as much as I
could have and I've never spent focused effort to improve my knowledge.
Obviously, the main area of focus on Photoshop for me is the digital
photography since that's my business. But I'm also interested being able
to make brushes and overlays, and basic things to help me do more hybrid
scrapbooking. This list might change over the year and I learn and
explore more but here's main areas of focus I've chosen so far:
layer masks
image modes: lab color
channel mixer
hue/saturation
curves
layers: fill or adjustment layers and layer styles
channels
textures: grunge, vintage etc.
paths
creating brushes
clipping masks
lighting effects
This project will include finding and doing workshops related to each
area. Ideally, at least one a week. As I do them, I will post links to
workshops and any examples I produce.
And, this will also mean that I will finally work my way through David's amazing tutorials
especially since I'm already a member and receive them all. Just because
I need to be ultra-organized for things to actually happen, here's the
order in which I plan to do his tutorials: (this may also change if my
focuses change)
As you'll notice, these end in April because that's when the little one
comes. I figure after that things might get blurry for a while and by
the time I have my sanity back, David will have put up a whole bunch
more so I can add them to my list then.
Well there you go. If you know Photoshop very well and have some advice
on how to revise the list above, what to add or remove, all advice is
welcome. I plan to start this weekend so let's see how much progress I
make.
It's been a few rough days for me. Two days ago, my watch stopped
working, which is a major major problem for me. Then there's the
exhaustion I mentioned yesterday which got worse and worse throughout
the day. I then came home to notice that my diamond bracelet wasn't on
my arm anymore and that was just the last bad thing I needed for the week.
Just when I thought I wanted to crawl into bed and have this week be
over, I noticed my diamond bracelet sparkling in the bed. And then I
went to visit Big Picture Scrapbooking and saw that my Projects Now!
class Change in
Plans was finally up and my day just did a 180! Teaching at BPS is
my biggest scrapbooking dream. I am very passionate about teaching and
BPS is exactly where I wanted to teach the minute I heard about it two
years ago. This truly is a huge huge dream come true so I am really
excited and had to make it my photo of the day. If you download it, I
hope you send me an email and let me know how you liked it.
And I will leave you with a photo of David from this morning at school.
I captured this little gem as David and Jake were playing outside. We
had just come out of ThemeFest where we hope to have David's Fourth
birthday in a few weeks. Before that we drove up to San Fran airport to
meet our friend Dave and his wife Christine as they had a layover on
their way back from the Philippines to Cincinnati. I hadn't seen Dave in
a long long time so it was nice to catch up.
The rest of the day has so far been quiet. I came home and fell into a
long nap and have just woken up to my relatively long to-do list. It's
looking at me and I'm looking at it and not sure where to start. On we go.
David and Jake are spending most of the day watching football. David
also loves watching movies on Jake's G1 Android phone. I just love
watching them. See his beard? He's been growing it for day and I love
seeing it but it is not fun to touch or kiss.
Quiet day for me. I worked on the tags last night (photos coming next)
and four catalysts today. I also got my CK kit finally so I put all the
cards in for all the days and decided on a routine:
- daily photos taken and posted on the blog here with notes
- weekly updates of the journaling cards, written in pen
- monthly ordering of prints to put in the album (not sure where yet.)
Things are starting to get organized a bit. Off to do some Photoshop
reading. Happy Sunday.
Catalyst
Forty-four is up: What’s something about the way you live your life
that doesn’t align with who you are (or wish you were)?
Here are my words:
Ever since I can remember, I’ve made career and life decisions such that
I could stay at home when I had children. Even back when I was 10, I
wanted to study computers because I knew it was a career I could pursue
from home. And yet, here I am, working at a large company, spending a
lot of time in meetings, and not at home with my wonderful boy. With
another little one on the way, this is the largest way that my life is
out of sync with how I wish it were, so I know I need to find some
solutions.
Emily's question from last week is: "what do i wish for this year to
bring?" and as I've already spoken about many many times, mine is for peace.
The technique I used for this week is the Mini Misters and I took my
inspiration from this
tag by Tim Holtz. I've been playing more and more with his products
and loving every moment of it.
I will need to reread them again of course, but it was some good reading
for now. Here are a few lessons I learned in general (they're all over
the place, mostly for me to remember):
Always shoot RAW if you can. This gives you a lot more flexibility
in post-processing. This is something I knew but didn't do often enough,
I'll be playing with RAW this month, all month.
Don't overexpose, you can't get that information back. Don't create
a right gap, you can't get that detail back either.
When processing a RAW image, process conservatively so it gives you
the most flexibility when adjusting in Photoshop.
If you process RAW and then open as smart-object (shift-click the
Open Image button), you can go back and redo RAW processing if need.
(like to reduce noise)
Remember that the edges of an image can be a distraction. This of
where you'd like the viewers eye to focus and how you'd like it to
travel (this applies to layouts too.)
If you want to combine layers, selecting the entire image (Select ->
All), using the Copy Merged command (Edit -> Copy Merged), then the
Paste command. This is functionally equivalent to flattening the image.
If you want change the highlights but not saturation - try changing
the layer to "luminosity" for the curve adjustment.
So I wanted to put a little example of what magic masks can be. Be
forewarned that this is a quickie so it's far far from ideal and the
original wasn't RAW so that hurts the process, too. Not to mention I
over-saturated for effect. So with all that....
Here's a photo I took last year in Pismo Beach:
As you can see it's really flat so if I were to do some basic curves to
try to mess with the white point and some highlights and lowlights,
here's what I get:
It makes the image a bit more full of contrast but now my sky is
completely blown out and you can see no detail at all. If I were to use
masks and do my saturation/curves using masks, here's what I can accomplish:
Yes, it's over-saturated, but look at the detail in the sky and the
detail in the sea. You can have your cake and eat it, too. More on masks
next week.
Another shot of David at school. No I never get sick of these. I
especially want to remember the band-aid on his finger cause he's been
obsessed with band-aids lately and will not let me take them off. Not
sure how we will ever get him off it but we're indulging him for now.
Busy day at work today, maybe I'll post it as my photo of the day
tomorrow. Otherwise, feeling good about the bunch I accomplished over
the weekend though I have a lot more to do. Will finally take the
Christmas ornaments down today (I think I might be ready at last) and
Jake will have to chop up the tree this week. Still really exhausted but
I'm starting to make my peace with it I think.
Last night we launched a product we've been working on for a while so it
was a big moment for me and my team and I wanted to commemorate it. Love
this product and the team working on it.
Here's a shot of the little one cause I am trying to make sure I have
many of those:
The tree is finally down. I guess I really was ready cause I don't feel
so sad about it anymore. David was ok with it, too, though he was a bit
bummed. Still more tired than I'd like but things are improving a bit.
So far so good in 2009 and I am managing to stay peaceful which makes me
feel happy.
Today we were late to school and normally David always complains about
washing his hands when we walk in but not today. He went right to the
bathroom and washed them so he could join in on the fun. Made me wonder
if we should be late everyday...
I wanted this to be our photo of the day because I noticed this table as
soon as I walked into the classroom and it looked so inviting. I only
wish when I was David's age, my classrooms had looked like this. See the
before photo:
Doesn't it look so inviting? It made me want to sit down and do some
art. But I must say the first thing David noticed were these gymnastics
pieces and he wanted to play immediately.
while that one made me smile, this one made me realize our skateboarding
days are not too far:
We spent hours last night putting these stars up in David's room. He's
been unhappy when the room is pitch black and often asks us to leave
the bathroom light on all night. I thought this would be a cheaper and
cooler alternative. So far, it's a huge hit.
I went to the California Academy of
Sciences with my friends Cole and Ty today and while I wish I got
more photos but here's the few I like. The rest of the day was pretty
quiet though I did do my next tag and will post it tomorrow.
Today we needed to get the cars serviced since we're going to CHA next
week. So we all went to the dealership and I, once again, realized how
wonderful our little boy is. He immediately started playing with the
legos and told himself stories, created worlds and even found the other
kids at the place to encourage them to play with him. He's a true joy. I
am deeply thankful.
Here are my words:
I actually wrote books for a while and this is a poster I made in a
design class I took. This poster is for the first book I wrote. It’s
about a girl who goes back home to take care of her mother with whom she
has some deep issues and reconnects with her highschool love. In the
book, the mom has lupus which is called the butterfly disease, hence the
butterfly on the cover.
I love reading mainstream fiction and about strong characters and their
connections to each other and those are the kind of books I’d like to
write. I don’t dream of many many things in my life but writing a book
and getting published is a lifelong dream. I yearn to write and to write
well. Maybe one day…
With a new baby on the way, I decided change is inevitable for us and I
might as well embrace it. Hence the heart and the clasp over it.
I used UTEE to stamp "laugh" and grunge board for the heart and the
clasp. I put a little glossy accent on the heart swirls just to have
them stick out a bit.
Tonight, David asked me to come to the fridge for a minute and I thought
he was going to ask me to help with the letters but when I went there,
this is what I found. Isn't he the sweetest?
I mistakenly thought it must be a good idea to try to get off the
medication again two days ago and it turns out I was wrong again. I have
severe allergies and was unable to function all day today. Yuk. Back on
the medicine, sadly. And a fully wasted day.
Last night, I had such a surge of love for David that I almost woke him
up just to give him a hug and tell him I loved him. It took all my
strength not to wake him up. It's really amazing how very much I love him.
Here's a shot I took while we went out for ice cream this afternoon.
Today started with a dentist's appointment to make sure the stains on
David's teeth were just stains. It turns out they were nothing to worry
about and they cleaned them too so now he's all shiny white.
Early morning David jumped in my bed and we played together. We play
this game where we tell each other how many times we love each other.
Ten times! Twenty times! This morning he said "five teen times!" and
then he leaned over and whispered in my ear "With all my heart." I love
him so.
And it's what's keeping me going right now because I've been feeling
really sick and out of it lately. I am constantly tired and can't seem
to eat anything at all with out feeling terrible afterwards. Considering
I am almost 7 months, that's just crazy.
We took out the baby stuff this weekend and one of the items was this
little swing which David really likes now and yesterday he buckled his
little teddy in and swung it gently. I think this boy's ready for a
sibling, don't you?
My good friend Lori has a new downloadable
class at A Million Memories. It's great for birthdays, mother's day,
Valentine's day or any other occasion where you give gift cards. I
love this project! You can also checkout her video here!
It might seem silly to you to have two of these in the same month but I
have been dreaming about and working on this workshop for months. I have
dreamed of teaching at Big Picture Scrapbooking for ever. This to me, is
the biggest accomplishment I could have asked for in my scrapbooking.
If you're interested in journaling, I hope you'll register
for my workshop. I've poured my heart and soul into it and I cannot
wait to get started!
I wanted one of the little boy, it's been a while. Yesterday was a good
day, we relaxed and after his nap, we had a picnic on the couch as we
cuddled. Apple Jacks, Apples and David and mommy time, what more can
someone ask for?
I must have still been giddy from my BPS workshop going up cause I did
my third tag and three catalysts last night. Excited to create again and
even though I'm exhausted, I'm looking forward to going to CHA again.
This week's prompt was "Do you believe in fairies?"
I wanted something really shimmery so I took a purple butterfly and put
pearl ink on it and then some white felt and then some white glitter
just to be sure it would shine. I used UTEE on the hearts in the
background (which was an afterthought, hence the not perfect pattern)
and some alcohol inks with the pearl mixative on the blue in the
background.
I snapped this out of the car's window as Jake was speeding down the
freeway. It was so magical and clear and blue that I wanted to make sure
to get a photo.
The trip down to LA wasn't so painful (at least not compared to the
return trip.) and I am glad we got to go and see some friends.
Sunday was my CHA day but I loved this photo so much that I wanted to
post it. I also didn't take enough photos at CHA.
that's christine, michelle, me, gabrielle, tonya, and krista. All
wonderful women.
I wasn't sure if I was going to go to CHA or not until the last minute.
I kept changing my mind. In the end, I am glad I went. I got to meet all
these new ladies and I got to see Michelle again (whom I love) and it
was fun seeing all the product in person. This year's show was
considerably emptier than last year, which, for me, was nicer since it
meant I could move around more easily. But it was kind of sad for the
industry.
We also went to the CI and SEI parties on Saturday night and that also
seemed emptier and less interesting than last year, maybe cause it
wasn't my first time, who knows? They did both have yummy ice
cream...and the CI party had all the Star Wars characters, which mostly
creeped me out.
Monday found all of us sick. I had a horrifying headache that was so bad
that I woke up at 4am and went down to the car to get Tylenol. Jake woke
up sick, too. But not David. He just wanted to eat candy.
The trip back was less fun mostly cause I had an unbearable headache
that drove me absolutely mad. (it's still here).
The little boy has been very patient and self-entertaining as my
headache is still here and making me frustrated, impatient, and not
interested in doing much. I love him so.
If I had been asked this question years ago, I think I would have ended
up with a Robert Frost poem as for the longest time, he was my favorite
poet. I have always loved “Nothing Gold Can Stay” and used to write it
in my diaries. But that was all before I was introduced to William
Carlos Williams. As soon as I read this poem, I fell completely in love.
I can’t even tell you why. I think it’s because it’s so ordinary, so
simple. Such a beautiful representation of something that’s a part of
regular, married, loving life.
this is just to say
i have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast.
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold.
Today started in a bit of a frenzy. I had my checkup at the doctor's
which went beautifully and she even got David to help listen to the
baby's heartbeat which was really nice and David loved it. But then I
had to do my glucose test which is this orange drink you have to drink
and then you have to have your blood drawn exactly 1 hour later. So I
drank my thing on the way to David's school and then rushed back to the
doctor's to have my blood taken. Ugh. Never liked that orange drink.
The ghastly headache seems to have mostly dissipated, thank God. In a
funky mood today but I know it will pass so I am just trying to take it
easy. Here's to a more fun tomorrow.
Relatively quiet day today. I found out that I am anemic which would
explain the crazy exhaustion I've been feeling. Iron pills, here I come.
This afternoon, my friend Jess came over with her son Beckett and we had
a lot of fun playing together and chatting. Nice to have a friend,
especially such and old and solid one. I need to do more of this.
Allergies are acting up tonight and my head is just one big bubble but
otherwise, all in all still quite peaceful. 2009 is great so far.
This week's prompt was "when i look into my eyes, i see _______."
This tag didn't photograph well at all but I couldn't figure out how to
fix it. It has a lot of techniques from my list. The bottom brown
section is flocked, there's wax all over it which causes the blotches.
The brown color is alcohol ink. The butterflies are embossed with
glittery brown powder. And the stamping of course.
To me, the tree represents potential growth and opportunity. The
butterflies, too, represent future full of possibility which is what I see.
He finally decided to remove his band-aid last night. I couldn't believe
it. I am so proud of him. And then this morning, he pooped in the toilet
for the first time! He's growing up, my little one.
I woke up all sick this morning. The allergies are at an all-time high
and I can barely keep eyes open. I wish things would let up a little
bit...but oh well. The little one is still moving and all seems to be
well so that's what matters in the end.
Here's David snuggling up to Daddy. We spent the morning getting some
coding done and then David and Jake played the Wii a bit while I worked
on my kit from A Million Memories.
Productive days are my favorite. As Jake watched the Superbowl at a
friend's house and David napped, I finished working with my kit and felt
happy and satisfied. Some of my favorite layouts of all time.
Got some sad news today from friends. A lot of that going around lately
which makes me pensive and sad. More on this later.
Here's my text:
The last time I stayed up all night on my own accord was in 1997. I was
living in New York and my husband (then boyfriend) was still at school
in Pittsburgh. We were talking over the phone and computer all night. At
the time, I was taking a class on 3-Dimensional computer graphics and I
was drawing a trumpet for my class. I spent the whole night working on
that instrument and chatting with him. It still is one of my fondest
memories.
And the trumpet
turned out ok, too.
I promised too many people that I'd take some pregnancy shots. I hate
them but here it is just cause I promised. And here are some with the
little boy.
Journaling Reads:
i love you.
we say these words a lot in our house.
i say it to David. he says it to his daddy.
his daddy says it to me. david says it to me.
and i say it to his daddy.
in our family, we say i love you very often.
but, for the first time, you said it to someone else.
someone who is not our family.
you told your friend Joseph that you loved him.
i love that David. I love that you're so kind and generous.
and so loving.
i hope you always stay this way.
Journaling Reads:
today was my day to go to CHA
and you told daddy that you wanted to go to the beach
so he and you went to sunset beach
daddy says, when you got close to the beach,
you rolled down the windows and cranked the JackFM.
It was easy to pretend it was summer, with all the palm trees,
the sun, and the Pacific -Beach-style neighborhood.
You saw the lifeguard towers, a few surfers, the waves crashing,
and you made a little sand castle. It was wonderful.
i'm sad i missed it but so happy that you and daddy
made another precious memory.
Journaling Reads:
i love playing with you
but i also love watching you and daddy play
almost as much
the way he tickles you
and the way you giggle
it just warms my heart and
makes me eternally thankful
for my wonderful family.
Journaling Reads:
this morning, you snuggled into bed with me.
you said, "i love you TEN times mommy"
i said, "i love you ten times too my love"
you said "i love you Five teen times"
(that's a big number, you added)
and then you leaned over to my ear,
and said "I love you with all my heart"
More flowers today. My backyard is finally blooming again. I saw two
hummingbirds yesterday, too. I can't wait for spring to get here. It's
been a little too cold.
Today is back-to-back-to-back meetings so it promises to be a LOT of
fun. (not!) What I really want to do is crawl right back in bed and stay
there all day.
This is what happens when you take as many photos as I do.
It's been a long week so far. A lot of meetings. And I am still overly
exhausted which doesn't help. But I am taking my Iron pills, and trying
to go to bed early and relax as much as possible. Life's ok otherwise. I
am still able to keep my peaceful inside and considering we're a month
past the new year, I'm feeling good about this.
Honestly, I thought a lot about this one. The one prominent thought was
tired since I've been so so tired all the time lately but then I wanted
something that's more specific for these last few days as opposed to the
last few months and since so many friends around me are struggling and
it's making me blue, I've decided to go with feeling blue. It's not even
that I am sad for myself, but mostly at all the hardships my friends are
suffering and how pensive it's making me.
The main technique I tried to use on this one was resist. I used clear
embossing to stamp the "blue" and then inked all over the tag to make
the word standout. Then I covered the letters with Tim's crackle paint
to emphasize the feeling of feeling broken/blue. I then used alcohol
inks to make the bling, ghost heart, and the shells blue. I also used
the sparkling H2O's for the edges and inside the letters a bit just to
give it a glimmer of sparkle. I used stickles to cover a white heart and
put the two hearts to symbolize relationship related issues my friends
are having. That's it. I wanted the whole card to be tints of blue.
David's birthday is this weekend and we decided to celebrate it today at
school. It was really sweet and he got to have both me and his Daddy
there with him. The candles were trick candles and kept re-lighting up
which was funny.
Nothing much more today except that I am getting more and more exhausted
and it's officially starting to worry me a bit. Not to mention frustrate me.
Look how the tulips have bloomed. I love tulips more than any other
flower. Bar none.
It's been a few rough days here. I've been really tired. I mean
really tired. David's been such an incredible doll. He's been
playing by himself and helping me out and just doing anything and
everything he's told. Just so thankful for the little one.
I don't know if it's nesting or OCD but I have been wanting to cleanup
and organize David's toys for weeks so on our trip to Costco for David's
party, we bought some containers and some ziplock bags and I've just
been cleaning, sorting, and organizing all day.
It was a lot of work but it looks so much better now.
And here's a little shot of David. This is the face he makes when he's
done something wrong but says "It's ok Mommy. It's ok." When he wants me
to let him know that it's ok and I am not mad. Who could ever be mad at
this little boy?
Happy Birthday little boy! Today he turned four. I can't believe he's
four already. The years really are short.
He has grown up to be such an amazing boy. Kind, generous, sweet, and so
loving. Funny, silly, and fun. I am so so proud to be his mom.
This is how he waited while we were singing so he could blow the candles
as soon as we were done. (I blurred the other kids since I didn't want
to worry about having them on the internet. And here's one more after
the candles are out.
It may not seem so, but this catalyst was incredibly cathartic for me. I
spent my whole life being the girl with the diaries and the girl with
secrets. I would never tell anyone anything about me. Anyone. Ever. Many
good friends complained how it wasn’t fair that I knew everything about
them but they knew nothing about me. I agreed it wasn’t fair but I just
couldn’t get myself to share.
But somewhere along the way, I shared once and then once again and then
I realized the healing power of sharing. The connection it created, the
way it helped me resolve my problems just by talking about them. And
imagine my surprise when I sat down to do this week’s catalyst and
realized I had no secrets. Nothing. I feel so relaxed and peaceful. When
it comes to keeping others’ secrets, I am still a perfect confidant who
never tells a soul but now I don’t have to fill dairies with my own
secrets anymore. I have kind souls to share with and I do so as needed.
I am eternally thankful for that.
Little boy wanted his teddy bear along this morning which was really odd
as he's not the teddy bear type. But it looks like he was not being
himself all day cause when I went to pick him up they said he was sad
and out of it all day and wanted to go home. They had even called me but
I missed it cause I was in a meeting which, of course, made me feel sad
and guilty.
I've been ok today. I think while Mondays are the hardest meeting-wise,
I am most rested on Mondays so I go through them more easily. David and
I spent the evening being lazy since neither of us felt like being
productive so we lay on the couch and watched TV as we snuggled up.
Happy Monday.
Love the funny looks he has. I know it's been a lot of David lately but
I love them and want to make sure I get a lot of them. David's been a
bit sadder and moodier than usual and I am not sure exactly why.
Otherwise he's just perfect as usual. Tomorrow's our yearly checkup so I
guess we'll see if something is wrong.
I'm doing well otherwise too. Trying to rest as much as possible and
trying to get mentally ready for the little one.
This week's question was "if i could do it all again, would i change
anything?"
I don't believe in looking back. When I make a decision, I think for a
long time and I work hard to make sure I believe it's the best decision
I can make with what information I have available at the time. This way,
I don't regret anything because I know I didn't do it haphazardly. I
believe life is about moving forward and looking forward. I also firmly
believe that we don't know how the paths we didn't take would have ended
up, so I wouldn't change anything.
This week's technique was inspired by the amazing Loretta Grayson,
specifically this
piece. I've always wanted to try sewing more creatively and I used
acrylic paint and the back of my brush for the while lines. It doesn't
come close to comparing to her beautiful art but it was still a lot of
fun to experiment.
I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a
new technique each week. You can see the see full list: here
Yesterday was David's 4-year checkup. Our doctor is so nice and sweet and good with David that it's a joy to watch them. Here he is letting David listen to his own heartbeat. We also did an eye test and a hearing test and everything else. All seems to be well for our healthy little one. Knock on wood.
David was so funny during the hearing test that we had to do it three times. The rule was that you had to raise your hand when you hear a sound and put it down when the sound goes away. David was so distracted that he'd either forget to raise his hand or forget to put it down. Finally after the third time we explained, he did focus for a few minutes and passed with flying colors.
A long but productive day, at work and at home. I'm now officially on a different host provider. Things shouldn't look any different to you though I am not sure what's up with my email so emails sent to karenika.com might still not be working. Please be patient and I will fix that asap, too.
I wanted to take some more photos of the backyard so I can enjoy spring coming. I also took a photo of my tulip, of course. And finally one of David playing. I love listening to him play and how his imagination works and just watching him when he doesn't know that I'm watching. He's such a joy.
One of the toys David got for his birthday was Stomp Rockets and he's been waiting to play with them for a week but I wanted to make sure Jake was around when he did so finally this morning, we were able to play. Even though one of them already got stuck on the roof, David enjoyed every moment of it. After we finished, he hugged Daddy to thank him and to say good-bye since Jake's leaving for the weekend. I love these Daddy-David moments so very much.
David and I get to have four days at home together since his school is closed today and on Monday. We have some fun activities planned but I am hoping we'll take it easy for most of it since I could use some quality rest time. Oh and he woke up with conjunctivits this morning which means I will likely get it soon, yey! In all honesty, despite the heart burn, nausea, and exhaustion, I am feeling quite relaxed and peaceful.
I've been thinking a lot about marriage and commitment lately. As I've hinted in the last couple of weeks, we've been hearing a lot of bad news from friends lately. Several marriages or long-term relationships (and I mean really long term) are falling apart and the news is making us sad. This happened several years ago when we first moved to San Diego, too. At the time, four or five couples called us in a matter of two weeks to let us know about their divorce and it had put me in a similar mood that I've been in for the last several weeks.
Pensive. Scared. Sad.
I am not sure why this news seems to come in batches or maybe the batches are more memorable so I don't remember the intermittent ones as much. Either way, I've been really sad thinking about my friends and all the years they devoted into their relationship and how it's dissolved. Especially when there are children involved. I still remember my parents' divorce very clearly. Even though our story ended wonderfully with my parents getting back together, I know that's really rare and divorce is really hard on kids. (so is a bad marriage, i know.)
A few weeks ago dooce had a post about which one is harder: marriage or motherhood. Of course, they each have their own challenges and it depends on the circumstances but one of the things someone said stuck with me: it's much easier to take your marriage for granted. You know a baby/kid needs help and care. You don't tend to forget that often. Yet, we don't always remember the same thing about marriage.
Marriage (or relationships) need attention and care, too. Your significant other, as a person, needs attention and the marriage itself also needs care. A lot of communication, reserved time, tenderness, forgiveness, and love. But, I think most of this gets lost in the shuffle. Between work, taking care of kids and keepping daily motions of life, we tend to forget or ignore the little moments. We let resentment build up or, even worse, we simply give up and let things rot. And then, sometimes years later, we look up and realize there's nothing left. That's what I am most scared of because I never want to let that happen.
Despite our bad moments, I know exactly why I chose Jake over others in the world and I know everything I love about him and all the ways in which he's a perfect fit for my life. I don't want neglect to wear that out. I want to be the kind of person who remembers to take care of our love and relationship just like I care for David. I know that some days I just get too lazy or too tired.
But then weeks like these come and I realize that the cost of such laziness is way too high.
A few weeks ago my good friend Jess came over for a playdate between her son and David. While the two played, we chatted. At some point, Jess said "you get so much done!" and I told her how there's a long list of things I don't do (like cooking) so I have more time. She insisted that even so I was more productive than the usual person.
I am not sure if that's true but it is something I've heard before so it got me thinking. And I think I've realized the two important factors to what helps me get things done.
The first one is commitment. Or maybe more like a neurosis. When I decide to do something, I feel an inexplicable sense of responsibility. I don't like to leave things unfinished. I'd rather never start than leave unfinished. It doesn't matter if it's for work or for my personal todo list. Once I decided to do it, I will do it. So this commitment part is the first crucial element since without thinking it's important, it's relatively hard to choose to get something done instead of relaxing.
The second has to do more with timing. If the task can be finished in a day, I will finish it. I'd rather lose sleep than leave it unfinished. Not only will I never do it but it drives me completely insane when others do it. That's why I was up late last night moving karenika to its new domain. I couldn't bear the idea of this task dragging over days.
But there are many tasks that cannot be finished in a single day. Like the 365 photos or weekly tags or scrapbooking or writing a book for example. For those, I use another trick: routine. As much as possible, I try to establish a routine so that it's a recurring event on my schedule. I take my daily photos every morning unless I know we have an upcoming event later in the day (like the doctor's appointment we had earlier this week.) I do my tags each weekend (sometimes sooner if I have an inspiring idea). I do my AMM kit the first weekend after I receive it. I just sit and do it. I don't give myself the option of postponing.
I know that there are a lot of other tricks to productivity (like "Eat the frog" which is doing the thing you're least looking forward to, first) but it turns out, for me, what matters most for long term productivity (especially for non-work related things that don't really have to be done) is the commitment and setting up a routine.
I know it's the crappiest photo and, in retrospect, I should have taken a screenshot instead of a photo but I don't care. HAPPY BIRTHDAY YONA!!! My wonderful sister is born on this very special day and I am so sorry I am not there to give her a huge hug in person. But I am still very thankful for computers and the fact that I was able to talk to her and see her this morning.
Little boy had a rough night last night, he was up on and off all night. Have I mentioned he woke up with pinkeye yesterday? Yeah, that was fun. I think his nose is all stuffed up so it's been bothering him and keeping him up at night. Jake also had a rough night cause he drove all the way to SFO to realize he missed his flight and had to come back home and fly out this morning. It did mean I got to spend some time with him on Valentine's day which was fun but all of us are a bit worn out from the long night.
Here's Jake and David checking out a special lego set Jake owns. Another daddy-David moment.
I'm officially ready for my long, relaxing weekend to begin. I have some fun movies to watch, chocolate, and a few good books to curl up with. What more can a girl ask for?
Happy Valentine's Day. May you have a wonderful one filled with health, peace, and love.
A quiet day around here. Exhaustion, heartburn, and nausea translates to not doing much besides sitting around. The fact that it's raining cats and dogs isn't doing much to inspire me to go out either. So David and I are just enjoying some relaxing time togehter.
I've been thinking a lot about writing and how I spend my time lately. More on this later. Off to lie in bed and read some. I hope you're having a great weekend.
Here are my words:
I look at this photo of my son and I am filled with emotions. Not just for him, but for all the other people I can see in his face. In his eyes and long eyelashes, I see my wonderful husband whose eyes were one of the first things that made me fall in love with him. On his nose, I see the freckles that my sister and dad have; the little dots we used to hate as kids that I now find adorable in my son. This little boy, in one photo, can bring together everyone I love in the world and make my heart explode.
Jake and I were listening to Gladwell's new book Outliers on the way to Los Angeles a few weeks ago and amongst many other interesting points, one of the things he talked about was the ability to master anything by putting 10,000 hours of work into it.
This is a well-talked-about number: 10,000. It comes down to about three hours a day, everday, for ten years. It may seem like a long time to you but it somehow didn't to me. Instead, it got me thinking. If I were to spend three hours of my time for ten years on something, what would I want it to be? What's the one thing I'd want to accomplish?
The thing is, there are many things I wish I were better at: photography, painting, mixed media, physics, math, psychology, swimming, tennis, running, drawing, languages...Just to name a few. But if I were to accomplish one thing, I always come back to the same one: writing a novel and getting it published.
I want to write. I want to get published. Not self-publish. I cannot explain the reasons. It's just a craving I have. I don't need it to be a bestseller and I don't need to write five more. Just one book published by a reputable company would make me feel fulfilled. Ten years ago, I was spending a lot of time writing. Now: none.
So it got me thinking...if this is really my biggest wish, maybe I should start spending some time on it. Shouldn't I?
If you were to spend 10,000 hours mastering something, what would it be?
This is David at the doctor's. Look at those piercing eyes. Even with pinkeye, he looks amazing. I took him to the doctor today cause last night as I put him to bed, I realized he was burning up and it turned out he had a temperature of 102. When I looked it up online, it said pinkeye and temperature together could mean ear infection so I figured better safe than sorry. I think I jinxed him by telling the doctor how healthy he's been when I took him in for the yearly checkup last week. Oh well. He has no infections and the fever is down a bit today so we'll see how tomorrow is.
I seem to be doing ok today, gave up on trying to be super-productive and just taking it easy. Resting, relaxing, and reading. And just in case you thought I might be done with the tulips, I bought a purple bunch today so expect some more photos later this week.
Jake brought this little bamboo piece home months ago and it's been sitting in a glass in shallow water for months, living. To me, this is a miracle. I have the brownest thumb I know; I kill all plants. Even the ones hard to kill. But this little one has been living for a long time, quietly and persistantly.
David's still sick. 102. I wish I knew what was wrong. Actually, I wish he'd get better so I can stop worrying altogether. While we're at that, I also wish my heartburn would go away. I'm not a fan of it. I think five days in a row of both of us being alone and a little or a lot sick is finally getting to me, so I am feeling a bit restless today. Not to mention the 303 emails in my inbox that need attention....
Here's a snap of the little boy from this morning. Sick but still as cute as ever.
I know I've been whining a lot lately and thank you for putting up with me. While I'm not at the best physical shape, I'm actually doing quite well emotionally and psychologically. I feel calm and peaceful. I love feeling the baby kick and while I'm not experiencing the huge excitement some mothers seem to have when expecting, I know this is not alarming. I never did have it with David either and I was worried then but I am not now. If I love this baby half as much as I love David, he or she will be much loved. And I know I am going to love her or him at least as much so I am not worried.
And just so you don't think you're leaving without a tulip shot:
This week's question was "what would you do, if you knew you could not fail?"
For me, the thing that I keep coming back to over and over is to write. I want to write novels and be published. if i weren't worried of failing, i'd be a writer. (and maybe an artist, too). So I made this little girl who's holding a book and the letters spell "write."
This week's technique was inspired by the talented kelly rae roberts. I tried to use one of the techniques she highlights in her book "taking flight." this tag uses old music, book, and mechanical drawing sheets and some stamps. Acrylic paint rolled over with a brayer and green alcohol ink as well as several distress inks. i really do wish i could draw better...but oh well :)
here's another look:
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I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a new technique each week.
David was feeling better last night but since he has to be well for 24 hours before he goes to school, Jake stayed home with him today and I went to work and it was a long long day with back to back meetings. And then David's fever spiked again to over 103 so I took him to the doctor again and still no infections anywhere so we're back to square one with Motrin and hoping it gets better. My turn to be home tomorrow.
On the way home from the doctor's I got several Braxton Hicks contractions. Really strong ones. I didn't realize they come so soon. Still got the heartburn, too so it's been party-central here...Off to lie down and relax now.
Oh, and, Happy happy happy happy birthday my friend Cole, Alcor, Nicholas, Jack. Hope you had a marvelous one!
Part of me feels bad for having so many tulip photos but then these make me happy and right now I'll take anything that puts a smile on my face. Admit it, aren't tulips amazing?
David's still got a fever and I am just trying to stay calm and assume that it shall pass. I have just made my peace with the fact that this week is lost to taking care of each other. He woke up at 3:30am last night and wouldn't go back down without me so I haven't slept much in the last week and my very pregnant body is not liking that. But the baby is kicking away and I am loving it. My checkup is tomorrow so I'll get to hear the beautiful heartbeat too which I am very much looking forward to.
This weekend will be resting and rejuvanating for all of us. I think we all need some of that. I shall leave you with another glimpse at the tulips.
Today was my doctor's appointment and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat while David perused the toys in the magazines at the office and asked me if I can buy him each of the toys there. All is well with the baby and supposedly the contractions are perfectly normal so I am not worrying about a thing. That's that.
I was worried that lately I haven't been eating that healthy so I decided to have some soup last night and the baby was like "Are you kidding me?" so the soup didn't even get to sit in my tummy for more than 6 minutes. So much for being healthy. Won't try that one again. And here's to those who say nausea goes away after the first trimester. I am almost 8 months now and even with the medication, I still hugged the toilet last night, thank you very much.
Anyhow, on to nicer things. The rain has finally subsided in beautiful Palo Alto so we can see some sunshine now. David's temperature has also finally stayed 98.6 for almost 24 hours now. Things are finally looking up. Hope you're having a happy Friday.
David asked me to take a photo of his toys. These are from a pirate set we received on his birthday. The skeleton on the end glows in the dark and makes David very happy.
Relatively quiet day here. Jake and David kindly let me sleep in which was wonderful. When I woke up Jake took a nap and then when he woke up, I took another nap and then it was David's turn so the house was pretty quiet all day long. I didn't get as much done as I would have liked but I did manage to finish one big item on my list which is the first step to a big dream I have so I feel pretty good about that.
I've decided to change the titles of these posts, so that they are by date so this way I don't have to count what day I'm on and it's also easier to see if I miss a day.
here's my text:
The one thing that never fails to lift me out of a bad mood is music. Even if I’ve had the worst day, I can get in the car, jack up the music all the way and feel better instantly. That’s why I am thankful for my 120gig iPod. This way I never have to worry about not having the kind of music I am craving at that moment. All my music is in one little machine.
Jake started teaching David how to play chess. David paid a lot more attention than either of us imagined. It's really fun for me to watch them play. They've spent a lot of time playing together this weekend and it's been joy for me to watch it. Here they are planying with a fancy lego set:
Another quiet day here with me sleeping in and then Jake taking a nap. I had coffee (well hot chocolate for me) with my friend Mike today. One of my favorite people from college and yet we see each other too rarely. I've noticed that I'm not as good at keeping in touch as I'd like to be. There are some people I wish I still had in my life or others that I wish I saw more consistently but I am not organized enough. Maybe I need to establish a better routine around this.
A few more things I would like to get done this weekend before I am ready to face the week but overall I feel peaceful, relaxed and rested. We're about to go out for some yummy dinner and spend some family time. Something I always cherish.
Today was pajama day at David's school. Hence the Hulk pajamas under his jacket. He's finally feeling back to his own self and I am so thankful. Everyone feeling better is exactly how I like it.
Mondays are my craziest days and today was no exception so I am happy that it's finally over. This week will go fast but will also be full cause I am going out tomorrow and I have a class Thursday and Friday that goes late into the evening. This will mean that I will feel wiped by the end of the week. I just need to take some time tomorrow and get organized for the week and then things should go smoothly.
Still thinking a lot about relationships and friends and how much work things are. I am still hearing sad stories from friends and strangers and it's making me wonder about how hard it is to stay together, to keep the communication going, to make sure to check in with each other and not let things rot. Because letting it deterirorate is a from of giving up. It's sneaky cause it doesn't feel like you gave up since it wasn't a conscious action but in the end it achieves the same result. Especially sad to see a family with kids falling apart. Happening a bit too often lately.
So is it better to share tulip photos too often or David ones? I can never get enough of either so it's a dilemma. Let me know if you have a preference.
My weird days are continuing...after yesterday's odd incidence at school, today David decided to have a full-on melt-down which he's never ever had in four years. It was so odd that the teachers didn't know what to do. I am not sure where it came from but I am hoping it was a one-time incident. It also meant I was 15 minutes late to my morning meeting but otherwise things have been pretty quiet. Well, except the fact that I woke up at 4am and couldn't go back to sleep and I am going out tonight so we'll see how I survive the night out. Baby's still kicking like crazy and I love feeling it especially when he or she is obviously doing cartwheels inside. Here's one of David from this morning where he's sneaking a smile:
I spent a little bit of time helping a friend today with some coding problem and once I figured out the problem, it was one of those "i can't believe someone would write code this bad" cases which made me laugh so hard that I had to call Jake up to share. I love that we can share things like that and we understand each others' jobs well enough.
Less than a month for my class at BPS to start. I am really really excited about it and can't wait. A post coming with more details in a minute.
The wonderful ladies at Big Picture Scrapbooking are offering a special deal for my upcoming class: Telling Stories Deeply.
You get ten dollars off my class, if you sign up for Scrapping on a Shoestring. That's a 50% savings on my class and a 30% or so savings across both classes. I know times are tough so I really appreciate that BPS is doing this. I hope it's one more incentive to sign up for my class. To read all the details click here.
I don't think I really wrote up a lot about what the class will encompass and you can see some details in the class site but I wanted to share a bit more here, too. So here are some details:
The class will run for four weeks. Each week we will be exploring one area of what I consider deep/authentic journaling. The focus areas build on top of each other and get deeper as the weeks pass. In each week's class, I also include one journaling tool and one writing focus. And then finally, we have the layout for that week where the journaling highlights that week's focus area.
So each week you get four downloadable handouts:
The handout for the main focus area.
The handout with the writing focus and journaling tool. (these are like mini lessons.)
The handout with my layout and step by step instructions.
The handout with that week's downloadable journaling spots.
And then there are handouts in the beginning that are for pre-class reading and a handout to fill-out throughout the class and one at the very end for parting thoughts. The first two handouts each week also have several examples from my own layouts that highlight the specific journaling theme we have for that week. The journaling spots are usable if you're digital or if you're traditional or a mix. They are just for fun.
We also have two chats scheduled. And of course the audio recordings from me each week and the gallery and message board which are staples of BPS. I am also compiling a long list of links to articles about writing, inspirational quotes, etc. just so you can have them on hand.
I have poured my heart and soul into this class and I plan to give it 100% of myself to this class. Journaling is my passion and something that I truly believe in when it comes to scrapbooking so if I ever get to teach one single class, this is the one.
If you've ever wished you could journal more or more authentically, I hope you'll join me in this class. I promise it won't disappoint.
If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. Just click on the "share" link below.
How about something different today? For reasons I am not sure of, lava lamps are a part of Google culture so we have them in many buildings and in almost all the lobbies. Here are the four sitting in the lobby of my building. I had never seen a lava lamp until I came to the US for college and I instantly fell in love. Not sure why honestly but I always wanted one. I am happy to say that I now have one on my desk. And a purple one!
Today has started out well so far. No breakdowns at school, no weird conversations, all quiet. I will be in class tomorrow and Friday so I have a bit of a busy day but otherwise all is well. I had fun last night with interesting people and got to celebrate my friend's birthday. Though it was 9:30 as I was driving home and I was really really tired, which is kind of sad that I can't stay up past 9pm anymore.
I also worked on my eighth tag last night and will post it in a second.
This week's question was "what was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?"
I thought about this one for a long time. In the end, it always comes back to my family. My husband makes me laugh a lot and so does my 4-year-old son. Watching them play together also makes me laugh out loud often and all the memories I could remember of myself laughing involved either one or the other, or both so I centered my tag around family.
This week's technique was inspired by two very talented ladies: I used the wax melting (using a crayon) technique Claudine Hellmuth highlights in Collage Discovery Workshop and this beautiful art journal page by Ali Edwards that has inspired me for a long time. Besides the wax, I've also used acrylic paint rolled over with a brayer and green alcohol ink as well as several distress inks and brown chalk ink.
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I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a new technique each week. You can see the full list: here
David doesn't have a fever anymore but he still has a running nose and his lips are chapped and he has a tiny dot on his nose that he's been scratching (hence the band-aid). The lips are why he's making that funny face. He's still so cute if you ask me.
Today's a long day. I will be in class all day, so Jake's going to have to pickup David. Let's see if I can stay awake all day and manage to sit in the chair without too much pain.
I spent hours last night working on an upcoming creative therapy catalyst. I painted and cut and glued and I was so happy. It's been a while since I've felt that surge of joy that comes from doing something artistic so it was really fun. I love making the tags each week so I decided I wanted to see if I can transfer that joy to the catalysts too. Last night, it worked. We'll see if I can do it again.
Here's another one of the little boy who's starting to resist having his photo taken. But I cannot have enough of those eyes.
I am still in class today and enjoying it quite a bit. Expect some posts to come out of my class but only after I sit down and can collect my thoughts. I am looking forward to the weekend quite a bit. Not much else to say right now. Just trying to keep myself from dozing off...
I know this is technically not a good shot but I love seeing the joy on David's face as he wins his boxing game on the Wii.
Mostly a day to rest today. Feeling more and more tired lately but I guess that's not surprising as I go into my eighth month. Yesterday ended up relatively productive after all but not today. I am trying to learn to be ok with that since I don't have a choice and I am working on the most important project which is making sure the baby is growing safely.
It might seem silly but something I do for myself each day is to spend time with my son. I've always dreamt of staying home when I had children but as it works out, I am now working a full-time job so it's really important to me to make sure I spend quality time with my son every single day. As much as I know my son loves it, too, it's really something I do for myself.
This is not one of my favorites art-wise but the feelings and thoughts are genuine.
This morning was a rainy Monday morning where I had a dentist's appointment at 8am so I needed some tulip love to tide me over. Jake bought these pink ones which are so soft and lovely looking, aren't they? And I love how they're leaning towards the light.
Feeling tired as always but things are going ok for us. Jake's liking his work, David's a happy little boy, I am doing ok and the little one seems to be growing just fine. So, all in all, I don't think we can compain. A little over three weeks to my maternity leave and my sister is coming right on the day I go on leave and I haven't seen her in person in almost three years so I am very excited. April is promising to be very hectic but I am planning on taking it easy as much as possible. Especially if the Braxton-Hicks gets worse.
Hoping to work on the new AMM Kit, some catalyst and my tag this week. I want to do some art every day just for me. Let's see if I can.
I've been drinkng Diet Peach Snapple lately and I know it's not good for the baby so I've been desperately looking for alternatives. One of the perks of working at Google is having access to a fridge full of Naked Juices so I've started drinking those instead. O-J is my favorite one. Plain, simple, and consistently yummy.
David build a Star Wars tent today and I wanted to share:
Started working on the kit a bit and even started my tag but things are moving slowly since I am still quite exhausted and going to bed early.
First time I've seen David playing Operation. Even though he couldn't get any of the pieces out, he didn't get frustrated. Just tried for a bit and then moved on to another toy. My sweet boy.
Rough and long day today. Back to back meetings and then I have to pick up David and rush to the doctor's and then rush back home and get dressed cause I'm going to see Wicked on Broadway (well in San Fran) tonight. Even though I am really looking forward to it, I haven't stayed up past 10pm for 7 months now and I am not sure I'll make it through so we'll see.
Feeling a bit worn out and worn down. Wishing life was a little simpler. Just one of those days I guess.
Yesterday turned out ok afterall. I went to the doctor, heard the little one's heartbeat, and managed to stay awake through the musical and even make it through today. For the most part at least. It had been a long time since I went to a musical and I really had no idea about the story so I enjoyed all of it very much. I even managed to stay up a little later than usual and work on my kit and tag.
Jake left for New York this morning. I wish I were there with him; I really miss the city a lot. Even six years later.
Journaling Reads:
you were very excited to celebrate
your birthday at school
we bought tiny little brownies
one for each of your classmates
and four for you.
even daddy took the morning off
so we could celebrate together.
after we lit the candles
everyone sang for you
and you waited patiently
until it was over
so you could blow out the candles.
what you didn't know
was that they were
trick candles
so just when you thought
they were out
they came right back.
just watching the surprise
on your face was worth it.
Journaling Reads:
we received this toy
for your birthday last year
but forgot it in the closet
so when i finally took it out
you were instantly fascinated
and wanted to spell everything.
i patiently helped you
a little bit every day
but my favorite moment.
was when you called me.
into the kitchen and said
"I have a surprise for you."
You had spelled "MOM"
all by yourself.
Definitely my favorite moment
of the week.
These are photos from david's 4th birthday. i tried to blur the other kids just in case. i wanted the album to be messy and fun so i used gesso and paint and a bunch of rubons. tfl.
Another school shot. I like these cause I know I will want records of what school and class was like years from now.
Finally relaxing a bit. The end of the week is always easier than the beginning at work and allows me to rest more which is great. Still got one more thing due and then I can focus on doing some creative therapy art this weekend. I also plan to rest as much as possbile. I have to clean up my table first though since it's messiest it's been in months.
This week's question was "what was the last brave thing i did?"
It might seem odd but the first thing that came to my mind was my pregnancy. Even though I really want this baby and I am so happy she or he is coming, this has been a long, hard pregnancy. I know it could be much worse but, for me, it's been a journey in being brave. Trips to ER, a LOT of throwing up, anemia, resulting in more medication than I wanted. But, I'm almost at the end of this journey and can't wait to meet my little one.
This week's technique was simple. I drew a profile of a pregnant woman looking down. I put glossy glaze all over it and then microbeads on the glue. I left it overnight and then put another layer of glossy glaze over it so the beads wouldn't fall off. I made a little heart out of wire with a small flower on it which I glued to the pregnant woman. I then inked the rest of the tag and wrote along the profile. That's it.
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I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a new technique each week. You can see the full list: here
As someone who struggles with feeling creative constantly, I found this to be an inspiring and thought-provoking lecture. It's worth the 20-minutes of your time. [thanks to viv who led me to the link]
Also, I loved Eat, Pray, Love and look forward to her next book.
The rain has finally stopped and I am really glad. It was starting to get to me. The nice thing about all this rain is that it makes some beautiful greens in the backyard.
A relatively productive day today. I did two catalysts, a bunch of laundry, read some, played with David a bunch, and prepared tomorrow's catalyst for posting. However, it was also a pretty rough day emotionally. I seem to be up and down a lot and maybe suffering from a bit of this. Hoping to go to bed in a few minutes and get a good night of rest. It's amazing what some rest can do.
Jake comes back tonight and I am excited to see him. I miss him when he's gone. I know many women like taking time off but I seem to be happiest when my kid and my husband are around me. Even if it's more work, I just love having their presence.
My words:
I've always been a worrier. All the time and about everything. When I was pregnant with my first baby, I put a sign over my door that said "give up that there's something wrong." and I looked at it every day. Over the last four years, I've gone up and down on this. And this year, I've decided to put extra focus on achieving peace and letting go of worry. Though, I must admit the relatively rough pregnancy hasn't helped a lot, I really have been working hard at letting it go. If there's one thing I'd love to learn, it's letting go of worry.
Technique Highlight:
This piece is inspired by the amazing Kelly Rae Roberts. I used several of the techniques she teaches in her book "Taking Flight." The wings have glitter glue on them that makes them shine and they are made out of wire and tissue paper.
Daddy's back and it has brought much rejoicing into our household. It's wonderful to have our wholefamily together. David was so happy, he kept giving him hugs all day long.
I had planned to take the whole day off and just relax and be with Jake and David and not worry about getting things done and it's been a lovely day so far. Despite the strong heartburn, I feel calmer and more positive than yesterday.
The household is quiet as everyone takes a nap and relaxes on this Sunny Sunday. I finished the latest Grisham novel I was reading and honestly it was so bad that by the end of it I was mad at him for taking my time and wasting it like that. Who wants a "whoddunnit" novel that doesn't actually tell you who did it. What a waste of hours I won't ever get back.
Off to read another book and take a short nap myself. Hope you're having a happy weekend.
Another fun day at school. David was elated to find out that he can cut the little piece of foam. Small things make him so happy. Of course, on the other side of the same coin, small things set him off too.
A long day today as Mondays are for me but then the week gets lighter so I know that I just have to get through today. Not much else to write so far today.
Today's the Purim celebration at David's school so all the kids and the teachers were dressed up in costume. Being the great mom that I am, I completely forgot. So I was really thankful when the teachers put together this quickie for David. He even had a crown and all. But he said he's not "king David" he's a prince.
I've also been meaning to write this little story that happened between us last week. It was one of those nights Jake was working late so I had put David to bed and he was being whiny and I was almost at the end of my patience and took a deep breath to make sure I wouldn't blow up at him and changed course. So I slowed down and said "I'm so happy you're my son, David. I love you. Thank you for being my son." There were a few moments of quiet and then he said "You're welcome." and then he said "I'm so happy you're my Mommy." It made me feel so much better and it made me realize the importance of taking a breath and stepping back every now and then.
On another note, today's my best friend Levent's birthday! Happy Birthday my wonderful friend, I love you!!
Lately, I've been thinking about the power of expectations. Or more like the downside of having too many of them. I've decided that one of the biggest contributors to unhappiness is when expectations don't align with reality.
When I was pregnant with David, Jake and I took a baby prep class and a month after our kids were due, we all came back to the same hospital to meet and talk about our babies and how things went, etc. We noticed, at the time, that the couples who had an unexpected problem (however small it was) felt like their hospital/birth experience was terrible and in the cases where everything went smootly, the parents thought the hospital was amazing. There might have been some cases where the staff varied enough to cause this, but I really think it had more to do with the alignment of expectations vs reality. If you go into it thinking you'll have a one night stay at the hospital and end up having to stay 3 days, suddenly it's the hospital's fault or something went wrong. Instead of focusing on the good, like how your baby is healthy, you focus on how things didn't go as planned.
This is true in the smallest things in life like getting caught in a red light when you expect to be somewhere at some particular time. It's also true in the biggest things like career, love, home, etc.
I've been trying to figure out what this means to me. Do I lower my expectations? Do I purposefully not set expectations? But aren't expectations also a bit of a driving-force behind acheivement? How are they different from goals? I am not entirely sure of the answers. But I did decide that I will spend more time thinking about the crux of the issue and try to figure out what matters most to me and hope that, that particular thing goes well and try to refrain from having any more expectations than that. So, for example, concentrate on having a healthy and happy baby and let go of getting to control the timinig, location, and other, smaller issues.Or focus on getting somewhere safely even if it means I have to be a few minutes late. Cause safety matters more. Spend the extra few seconds to hug or calm David down even if it means I get that much less sleep.
I guess it's a way of learning that you can't have it all and you should stop expecting it. And it's also taking your expectations, especially the subconscious ones where you just take things for granted, and living each day more aware of them and making sure you're not expecting more than what's realistic and, more significantly, more than what matters.
Another school shot today. I love watching David at school. Many days I am loathe to leave him and go to a meeting.
We're halfway through the week already and I feel like I've accomplished too little. My wonderful brother in law is coming to town tomorrow so I am excited to see him and his wife is coming on Friday. I haven't seen her in so long and she's so wonderful that I can't wait to see them. They're flying across the country just to throw me a baby shower, aren't they the nicest people in the world?
I've been thinking about my tenth tag but I haven't decided exactly what to do yet and even what technique to use. We'll see when and if inspiration strikes. It doesn't strike very often laltely.
I love this smile. I spent some time with David at school this morning. I love watching him work his way through the class, seeing the activities he chooses, the way he interacts with the kids. It's nice to get to see how he's with his peers as opposed to us.
Started on the tag last night. Finally picked the theme and the technique but I am not finished yet. Not sure if I love it, but the point is to experiment and I certainly have been experimenting.
One week left to my Big Picture Scrapbooking course, Telling Stories Deeply. I am really excited and nervous. You can get more detail here and of course you can ask me questions as much as you need. I hope to see you in my class!
This week's question was "name 5 movies that inspire you creatively..."
I've had to think about this one for a long long time for some reason. At first, I thought about my favorite movies but then I reread the question and it talks about creative inspiration. Then, the first thing that came to my mind were these set of three movies made by a Polish director called Red, White, and Blue. So I decided instead of choosing five, I'll just stick to this trilogy.
This week's technique was fragments. I honestly had no idea what to do with them so it was an interesting challenge for me. I went through all my scraps and picked all the red, white, and blue paper I had and glued them to the back of the fragments and then just had fun with it. I painted the tag with denim distress ink and then embossed it with clear, shiny embossing powder. The fragments I had were the ones with the holes so I tried to align them interestingly. I am not sure how I feel about the outcome but it was fun. I am sorry the photo didn't turn out that well, especially the butterfly.
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I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a new technique each week. You can see the full list: here
Did you know there will be Friday the 13ths this year? We've already had one in January and here's the second one and we will have another one November. So if you believe it's unlucky, you're in for a long year.
I hadn't had tulips in a week or so, I missed them. Look at all the colors. It's just so stunning to me. Even though it doesn't even smell, I love it nonetheless.
Not feeling up to saying much today, so I will leave you with a lego shot I took at David's school. Happy Friday.
My beautiful sister-in-law threw me a baby shower today. It was a wonderful, relaxed one and good friends came. We didn't have a lot of people but it was really nice to have one nonetheless. I am reall thankful that they came all this way just for us and played with David so much too. She bought some yummmy food and did some traditions from each family member.
Here's my brother in law, Danny, and David.
Here's a tradition my other sister in law, Andee, does: we gave candles to everyone so they could light them when I am in labor.
One from Lelia herself: she bought stickers and got the guests to pick the ones they liked and write some words on a picture frame so when the baby comes we can put the photo in it with everyone's sentiments around it.
And finally one from my sister: a sheet torn by everyone and then candy wrapped in it.
And that's it. I hope your day was as nice as mine.
When we were planning our wedding, the one thing we spent the most amount of money on was our photographer. We figured the photos were the best way to preserve our memories of the special day. We found this person who looked really professional, had great albums, etc and decided to go with him. He did show up and take a bunch of photos and he even delivered us our proofs and album. The deal was that a year later he would give us the negatives. Except that when the year passed, he went completely awol. We couldn't get him to answer the phone or email. We were never able to get in touch with him again and, to the day, don't have one negative from our wedding day. We still have the album we bought but if you come to our house, you won't see any wedding photos on our tables because we have none.
David bought these Spiderman tatoos and cannot get enough of them.
Today was a quiet day. My brother and sister in laws are still here. They spent the morning playing with David while I took a nap and then they all went to have lunch with a friend while David and I attempted to take a nap but he wouldn't take one which meant I couldh't have one either. And now we're all watching Wall-e.
Here's Leila and David, playing with the tatoos.
And here are some beauitful tulips my friends Manu and Hana brought yesterday:
I had a rough night last night because during my sixth wakeup for the night - which was at 3am - my spine just decided it didn't want me to lie down anymore so no matter which way I turned, I just couldn't get my body to let me sleep. So, when David woke up this morning, Jake must have told him that Mommy needed some more sleep cause when I finally got up, I saw him sitting in the living room, on the beanbag, with covers and quietly reading a book.
On the other hand, David's been considerably more difficult lately. Not like he's terrible or anything; he's still the sweetest boy. But he shows signs of complaining and pushing back more often. I don't know if that's really just natural part of growing up or something is up but I am hoping it will pass. Honestly, on the little sleep any little thing gets on my nerves so it could also be mostly me, who knows?
I had quite a lot of contractions today. I really can't imagine getting a lot bigger but I know I will. Oh well, as long as the little one is happy and healthy.
Happy St. Patty's Day to those of you who celebrate. I don't really but I do enjoy seeing others who do. Here's a branch that I photographed at work this morning. I love seeing spring finally arrive at our door. I am ready for the warm sunshine and blooming flowers everywhere. It always makes me feel rejuvenated.
A long day today even though it wasn't Monday. As my last few days are coming at work before I leave for maternity, and as the baby gets coser, there are just lots of odds and ends to do for both. So today was meetings and presentations and then trip to Stanford Hospital to learn more about their birth center and process.
My BPS class starts on Thursday so I am really excited about that and a week into the class, I will be leaving for maternity so I will have extra time and attention to give to the class which makes me even happier. I just hope the students like all the work I've put into it.
I will leave you with a photo of David from school cause I can't ever have enough of those:
We got to work really early this morning so we got to play outside for a bit and I tried to snap a photo quickly before David changed his mind about playing on the swings.
Another long, eventful day but now we're halfway through the week so I am feeling more optimistic. I hope your week is going well.
This might officially be cheating since these photos were taken last night but they were too precious to me not to count in my year so as far as I am concerned this is today's photo and that's that.
This is David and Daddy playing with stomp rockets in the backyard. David loves these so much that I think you can see the joy in his face. Last night, he decided to experiment with the different ways he could get the rocket to fly.
He tried using his elbow, jumping with both feet, sitting on it, jumping backwards and many other crazy styles.
And the whole time he laughed and laughed and just couldn't get enough.
Watching that kind of joy on a kid's face is electric and contagious. It's one of the joys of being a parent and getting to experience the world through your little one's eyes. He kept making his hands into little firstballs so he could get more strength.
And of course here's a tulip shot I took before I had to part with the beautiful, reddish orange ones we had this week.
My Big Picture Scrapbooking class started today and I couldn't be more excited. You can still register for a little while and if you're on the fence, go for it! I promise you won't regret it :)
This week's question was "what keeps me awake at night?"
To be fully honest, the one thing that literally keeps me awake at night is the baby, of course. Now that I am 8.5months pregnant, between peeing and spinal pain, there's not much sleep to be had. But since I did a tag on pregnancy two weeks ago, I wanted to focus on something else so I decided to choose another big thing happening to us: the fact that we might be buying a house for the first time ever. Deciding whether to buy or not, finding a house, and trying to do it all in the middle of a baby coming certainly has been keeping me awake so I thought it was a fair one to tackle.
I originally planned to do "vintage" this week but somehow when I started doing the tag, this is what came out. I don't know that it uses any specific technique except maybe a bunch of stamping and some layering. Nothing major or very new to me. I took a chipboard house and added elements of what I hope to have in my new home: music, words, flowers, sleep (moon), joy (butterfly), togetherness (key) and lots and lots of love.
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I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a new technique each week. You can see the full list: here
Really busy day today, trying to tie up loose ends at work. Making sure that whoever takes over for my work is not left stranded. I want to leave things the best I can.
There are still so many baby things I haven't even begun worrying about like washing all of David's old clothes with the special baby soap. Like buying a new pack-n-play so there's a place for this little one to sleep. Like making sure we have newborn diapers etc. etc. At least I did make the carseat installation appointment so I feel good about that. And David's going to a "sibling" class at Stanford this weekend so we'll see how helpful that will be.
My sister is coming to visit exactly one week from now. I haven't seen her in person since June of 2006. I miss her like crazy. I cannot wait to see her and hug her and spend hours and hours talking to her. I know she'll help me with shopping, with preparing for the baby, and with looking for houses. She will cook for us. She will just be so awesome to have around. I cannot wait to hug her.
My Big Picture Scrapbooking class started yesterday and the boards are already hopping. I am so excited to be there, to get to teach this class, to get to share this experience with others. I cannot tell you how happy it's making me. I am so thankful for the opportunity.
I shall leave you with this wonderful photo of David from this morning:
I know this is a very blurry photo but it's a representation of today and that's what this project is about isn't it?
David and Daddy went to Stanford's Lucile Packard today (where we're planning to have the baby) and took a class on sibling preparation. As part of the class, they gave David this "Big Brother" shirt. Which he hasn't taken off all weekened. I am not sure how much of the class he digested but we figure no harm and possible help is never a bad thing.
We also looked at a few more houses around Mountain View, Palo Alto, and Menlo Park. I think we have officially seen all the new houses in the area now.
Other than that, I've gotten nothing done. No art. A lot of naps, though...
I shall leave you with one more photo from this session:
This one was easy for me. I've always always always wanted to be a published author. Fiction. Reading has always been and will always be my number one passion in the world and I've always dreamt of being one of those authors on people's shelves. I have started several novels and have done a lot of writing over the years but I have never taken it all the way. Never fully finished, edited, and sent out a book to a publisher. In the last six years, I have mostly stopped writing altogether but I still think of it from time to time and the desire to become a published writer has not subsided one little bit.
Another simple day with a few chores done but nothing substantial done. We played Wii for a while, watched some TV and mostly relaxed. Oh and we started doing the taxes. Still a long way to go. And still no art done. Oh well. Some weekends are just like that.
Yesterday I was at Costco and bought David a little present. It's a Wii game that involves Spongebob. I thought it would be easy and fun and it turns out it's really hard so it's been mostly Jake and I playing and David watching. Tho he's still happy we have it.
My last Monday at work before I leave for maternity. Work's quite hectic of course but it's all last minute stuff so I am trying to do my very best and leave things in as good a state as I possibly can.
I've been meaning to write this one down. The other day, David and I were driving to school and he always asks me when he'll be six or seven or fifteen etc and I say "in one year" or "in five years" etc. Then he asked me when he will be twenty. I said "in sixteen years." He said that he wanted to be twenty and I said I didn't want him to be twenty, so he asked why. I told him that when he's twenty, he wouldn't be home with Mommy and Daddy anymore. He'd be away at school and sleeping there and we'd miss him so much. He thought about this for a while, and then said:
Ok, I don't want to be twenty. I want to be SIX!
I laughed and laughed. I love my boy and I know that one day the prospect of not living with Mom and Dad will be so appealing but I am so happy that, right now, it's not.
As I mentioned earlier, Big Picture Scrapbooking is giving a spot in my class today. If you haven't gone over to add your name, here's where you can do that. I've been reading through the comments and wanted to address some of the journaling roadblocks that people have put in the comments.
I went through the list and made some major categories that most of the people's comments fall into. I wanted to address them in two ways. One, to tell you whether we tackle this in the class directly or not and two to give you a few words of my thoughts on this so you can see what direction I would lead you in, in the class, so you can assess whether taking the class would be helpful to you. So here we go, in no particular order and paraphrased in my own words:
I am embarrased to journal. Worried it will come off mushy, sappy, false, fake, pretentious.
I talk about this a little at the beginning of the class and address it throughout the lessons here and there. My point of view on this is that if you're writing authetically (being true to who you are) then none of the above concerns matter. If you're authentic, you won't be false, fake, or pretentious. Those are all inauthetic states of being, where we're trying to be something else than we are and this workshop is just the opposite. As for mushy and sappy. those often depend on the person reading your words and everyone's ideas of mushy are vastly different from each other. We talk a lot about whose opinion matters and what you should have in mind when you write your words in the pre-class work and in week one. My hope is that by then this will be less of a concern for you.
I don't have enough space on my page for my journaling. I have too many photos and not always enough room for journaling.
Oh yes! This is a pet peeve of mine and we address this one right away. This workshop is as much about changing the way you look at journaling and changing your process of scrapping as it is about the words itself, so I promise you won't say this after the workshop.
I want more depth and creativity in my journaling.
This is the very core of my workshop. Each week I tackle another main area of what it means to journal deeply. How to make your writing more relatable, more authentic, more personal, more *you*. I also bring in writing principles that help liven your writing and breathe more air into it.
i write too much or I write too little. I get caught up in the details.
Honestly, this isn't something I handle directly. I address the space issue mentioned above and by using the new process, this might end up being less of a concern. But I do talk about the main elements of what makes an authentic story (in my opinion of course) and theoretically by the end of class you'll have a good sense of what needs to stay in and what can be left out to make your story complete and authentic so you should more easily be able to judge what's too much or too little and what you can leave out or what's still missing.
My journaling is too personal.
We talk about this in the pre-class work, too. We also address some of the deeper/harder journaling stories during our last week. I talk about why it's important to still put the words on paper, even if we have to find creative ways to not make it visible. I respect that your journaling might be too personal but it's still worth your writing it down.
I can't find the right words. I don't know where to start.
We talk about this in the pre-class handouts, too. But I'll tell you a secret: there's no magic here. I will not be able to move my wand and make it easier for you to start. You start like everyone does: you put pen to paper and just do it. We talk more about techniques and creative styles that might help you get started but in the end you just sit down and do it. I didn't want you to sign up and think I have some magic trick under my belt, that I don't.
I am a perfectionist. What if i am not good enough?
I don't talk about this in the lessons but we will address it in the message boards cause I a lot of people have mentioned this in the class as well. Here's one thing you should know: the purpose of this workshop is to make your journaling more authentic, deeper, and more true to who you are. None of us are perfect. Life would be so boring if we were. So I think being perfect or aiming to be perfect is the wrong goal. We should aim to have our pages be a true reflection of who we are. Not write so people on a message board can give us kudos, but write so we feel we expressed ourselves authentically on the pages we create. This is just my opinion and you are, of course, welcome to disagree, but it's something I feel strongly about so I wanted to make sure you knew.
I am not a writer. I have no stories to tell.
We do talk about this in the preclass handout and a lot on the message boards as well. I'll be very upfront: we are all writers and we all have stories to tell. I promise. I swear you are. By the end of the workshop, you should have no doubts about that.
One thing I've told the students in the workshop and would like all of you to know is that I am fully commmitted to everyone getting exactly what they want out of this class. Journaling is my passion and I want to make sure that if I don't happen to address something that's in your mind, something that's holding it up for you, something that's stresssing you, that you can always post on the message boards and ask me or email me directly. I'm committed to everyone walking away with exactly what they wanted and more.
I hope these answer some questions you might have. I posted more about specifically what you get each week and general logistics: here. As always, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.
Days are passing quickly but hectically. I am still really busy at work and am using most of the rest of my spare time to take care of David, keep up with my BPS class, and rest. I am getting more and more tired and more and more heartburn. Lovely.
Only three more days until my sister is coming and I cannot wait. Miss her so much. As it gets closer I just miss her more and more.
These flowers are right outside our house and they smell so very yummy. The bees love them too. I am just glad spring is finally here and the flowers are blooming again and there's color everywhere. It's amazing how much happier sunshine makes me.
Last night was a rough night. Even though I went to bed at 7pm, I kept waking up and then at 1am, I just couldn't go back to sleep so I had to get up and read a little and then try to go back to bed and it was all just crazy. Not to mention all the nightmares I've been having. I know the next few weeks will only be harder but I am also seeing the light at the end of the tunnel since I am due exactly one month from today so I am telling myself to hang in there.
David spent his afternoon making these balloons. He's quite talented and loved posing with them. When I asked him what he wanted to do next. He said "let's do some art." so I said ok, what kind of art. He said "I want to scrapbook." Heh. I didn't even know he knew the word. We took out some of my spare papers and stickers and punches and had a blast.
Quieter than usual day today. Thankfully. I've been really really exhausted lately. I don't sleep at all at night anymore so I really need a nap or two during the day. Tomorrow is my last day before I go on maternity. It will be so odd not to check my mail obsessively and to not have meetings all day, etc. Then again, within a few weeks, I will be spending all my waking moments with the little one so I am sure I will have my hands full.
I finally did tag number twelve today and it was a lot of fun. I am really glad I am doing this project. It has been one of the most fun things I've done this year so far.
This week's question was "what are you grateful for right now?"
I read this question at a moment I was feeling truly grateful for everything. The last few months have had their ups and downs but at this particular moment, I am so thankful for life. For my wonderful husband and amazing son. For this life growing inside me. Even for my job and the great people I work with. For spring finally coming back. For the beauty of nature. For getting to teach this class I am teaching. For getting to read books, watch TV, and in general do things I love to do. So I wanted my tag to just focus on how wonderful my life is in general and how very thankful and grateful I am for that.
I wanted to do something vintagy last week so I guess that stuck with me. I was inspired by two amazing people and my art cannot do justice to either. One is art like this by the amazing Rebecca Sower. The other is this beautiful white on white piece by Vivian Bonder. I fell in love with the white on white and have been meaning to do some art that only has tones of white for a long long time. Both of these women are incredibly inspiring and amazing. Besides a lot of lace, I used some machine stitching and that's really about it.
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I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a new technique each week. You can see the full list: here
OK, it's been a few hectic days and it's 5:35 AM on Tuesday and I absolutely cannot sleep so I figure what better time to catch up. These particular tulips never bloomed. Very rare, in my experience, but I loved them anyway, who doesn't love purple tulips after all.
My last day before I go on maternity has been uneventful. I tried my best to tie all the loose ends as best I could and they gave me a congratulations cake (and yes I should have taken a photo of it) and a little onesie and a hat for the little one. It was so sweet and kind and generous. It will be odd not to go to work for the next few months but I do know that I will have my hands full very soon.
My sister is coming tonight so I am extremely excited and there will be several posts coming about her.
And finally she's here!! My sister, Yona, whom I haven't seen in person since July of 2006. I cannot believe how long it's been and how much I have missed her.
Yona knew that this trip would be all about relaxing and not doing very much since I am so very pregnant and need more rest than anything else, so she didn't really bring much to wear, yet, she still came with a huge luggage. When I asked her what was in it, she told me they were toys for David. And she wasn't kidding. Here's the photo of the luggage before David attacked it.
I don't think she'll ever be able to come again without bringing this many toys. It's a good thing she has twins who are six years ahead of David.
So while I was excited about having my sister visit, I think David might be even more so now that he knows what it means to have her here.
My words:
I must say my first experience with true, deep, unconditional love was my husband but then my son was born and the power of loving someone that small, someone whom I carried inside me for nine months and someone who is so much a part of me is indescribable. I will forever love him and my love for him will always be unbounded.
Just in case you thought the presents from yesterday weren't enough, Yona also brought David two "small surprises" for each day she's here. These include workbooks, stickers, and many other fun things that would each be considered presents that are not small in my house. So David is just being spoiled over and over again.
Here he lines up all of his new action men and his new car has the ability to propel a dog out of it, so he uses that trick to knock them all down. You'd be amazed at how many times he patiently lined them up just so he can do this.
We spent most of yesterday and today looking at houses. We drove all around our neihborhood and a few adjacent ones to show my sister the houses we had found so we could get her opinion. The rest of the time we played, rested and just enjoyed each other's company. Having my sister here means we get a fully cooked meal each night. I cannot tell you the difference it makes. Watching how quickly she does it all, makes me feel maybe I could do it, too.
His first day back at school since Yona arrived, David couldn't wait to show her off to all of his friends. He also had to show off his new Spiderman socks which he was so excited about, I don't think he kept his shoes on for most of the schoolday.
We did one final tour of houses and I think we're getting close to narrowing down our choices. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. I am also starting to feel really exhausted because I literally do not sleep for more than 20 mins at a time now and I cannot function most of the day. So I am not sure what the plan will be for the next three weeks before the little one's due to arrive but I am trying to take it easy and nap a lot and do tiny bits of work in between.
Another school shot. David looking at an art project that greeted him in the morning. I am often jealous of the fantastic school experience he gets to have. I am so happy for him and so glad we're able to send him to such a good school.
Journaling Reads:
Watching you and Daddy bond is always something special for me, but on this particular day, he had just come back from his 4-day trip to New York City and you just couldn't get enough of him. You wanted to sit next to him, you wanted to hug him and kiss him every few minutes. It was such a delight to watch and experience. My boy, I hope you and Daddy are this close forever.
Journaling Reads:
My good friends Jess and Chris got you stomp rockets for your fourth birthday and they have become your most favorite presents out of all the ones you got. Since we have to play them outside, any possible occasion when the weather is sunny and Daddy's home has been "stomp rocket time." While I am not the biggest fan of the rockets, I love watching your joy each time one of them goes up really high. I love watching you experiment with the ways you can make the rockets go off. I love how happy you get as you send them up in the air. Pure, unadulterated joy. No wonder I can't say no when you ask to play with this toy that brings so much delight into your life.
Journaling Reads:
"Mommy, I want to play chest," you said the other day.
I had no idea what you were talking about until you pointed at the chess/checkers set we had sitting on the shelf. "Do you mean chess?" I asked.
"Yes," you said, "chesst."
After I chuckled to myself, I told you that Daddy was the person who would teach you how to play chess. Just that week, your Daddy had been telling me that he wanted to sit with you and teach you how to play chess. I secretly thought it was too soon and that you wouldn't really pay attention properly, but I didn't say anything.
And, boy, was I wrong.
You learned all the piece's names and how they move within a few minutes and played with Daddy for almost an hour before your mind wandered.
I was wrong to underestimate you, little boy, a little more practice and you can learn chess after all.
We play this game on the way from and to school each day. You want to know when you will be older and you list all the things you will do when you're at that age. And then, a few days ago you asked, "Mommy, when will I be twenty?"
"In sixteen years, my boy."
"I want to be twenty!!"
"Not soon, sweetie, I don't want you to be twenty, yet."
"Why not?"
"Well when you're twenty, you won't be living with Mommy and Daddy anymore. You'll be going to school and sleeping at school and I will miss you."
You thought about this for a while, asked a few followup questions and then said, "I don't want to be twenty, yet. I want to be six!"
I smiled knowing this wouldn't last long and that the prospect of living with Mommy and Daddy would soon be less than exciting but I will take what I can get and I will make sure to cherish these days when you still pick us over the alternative.
Finally a photo of Yona and David. This is from an hour-long fun session they had blowing kisses at each other and catching them. I cannot tell you the squeals and joyful noises David made through this time. It was truly awesome.
My journaling is:
Since I am the kind of person to harp on little things for hours, days, sometimes months, I try to think hard before I make decisions to minimize the possibility of making a mistake. I am happy to say I have relatively few regrets in my life. One of the very few happened a couple of years ago. I quit my job on Wall Street to join Teach For America which is a nonprofit program where you teach at under-resourced schools. I taught fifth grade at a school in the South Bronx in New York. My regret is not quitting my job but it's quitting Teach For America before fulfilling my two-year commitment. When I quit my job, I firmly believed that TFA was my path in life. I wanted to do it for two years and then move on to starting my own nonprofit and making the world a better place. So much so that at some point, I even felt the importance of improving education in the United States so strongly that I was surprised more people weren't prioritizing their life accordingly. After several months of struggling, failing, crying, trying more and failing more, I finally gave up and quit. To this day, it's something I regret. I know that it was the right decision on many levels but it's still something I regret and consider a mistake.
Technique Highlight
Since reading Kelly Rae Roberts' book Taking Flight, I've been meaning to try my hand at polymer clay. I took this week's catalyst as the opportunity to do so. I created a door to represent the new stage of my life TFA was at the time and wrote the words "believe" on the bottom since that was the strongest emotion I felt at the time: a solid sense of belief that this was the right next step for me in life. I then painted the clay and put it in the oven to bake. As it turned out, I overestimated the amount of time it needed to cook, so I burned it and a part of it got distorted. Right before I was going to throw it out, I decided it was an even better fit for my catalyst. As I started teaching, my belief and faith in this opportunity and what it represented got all bent out of shape and distorted so I decided this burned clay only reinforced my theme.
Almost caught up. My sister left last night. While I was tired all week, I really loved having her here. She helped us pick a house, she washed all of the baby's clothes and setup the bed for me, she cooked for us every night, and she put up with my crazy. And trust me, I've been crazy. I miss her already. Thank you, Yona, so much for coming!
Today was a day of errands. I got the baby's car seat installed, I confirmed we're set for the hospital and for maternity pay, I paid my bills, and just tied all the loose ends, so I can relax now. David's school is on vacation starting Wednesday night so I have two more days just to myself and I plan to make the most of them.
Here's David in one of the boxes that used to hold baby clothes, wathcing Batman. Cutie pie!
Here's David with his "Silly Mommy" looks. I love him so.
Today is declared a day of rest. I plan to do nothing but lie on the couch and watch TV. Some little stuff might get done but no pressure. That's the plan.
This week's question was "what was my worst (or best?!) hairstyle experience to date?"
This one didn't really speak to me immediately. In fifth grade, I decided to grow my hair and didn't cut it until after college. Once I managed to cut it, I had a strong sense of freedom and proceeded to try several hairstyles. I went blonde, black, red and then back to my original brown. During this period, I spent a few months in Japan. While I was there, I had this one haircut which was the shortest my hair has ever been. It was auburn and really short. To this day, it's the boldest haircut I've had, so I decided to commemorate it.
I am not sure I like this tag all that much but the technique I used this week was "printing on canvas." I took this photo of me from then and printed it on canvas and glued it to the tag and then just embellished around it and put some fabric behind the tag. Not one of my favorites to be sure.
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I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a new technique each week. You can see the full list: here
Today is the last day of school for David for ten days. He's off for Passover and since I am home on maternity, I decided he doesn't need to go to camp so we'll be spending the next ten days together. Let's see how it goes.
A rather odd day today. I feel calmer than I have in a while but I am in quite a bit of pain on and off. I wonder if the baby is getting ready to come a bit sooner than planned. I guess we'll see. At least we're 99% ready, except for my hospital bag and some names. Specifically boy names. Oh well, I'm sure we'll figure something out.
This week's question was " what is the last good book you read?"
Ordinarily, I'm a voracious reader and read two books, or so, a week. However, I haven't been doing much reading (or anything really) lately and even the ones I've read haven't been that great. The last great book I've read that really sucked me in and pulled me into another world was Twilight. I resisted reading it for a long long time since I don't care for vampires in any way. But this book managed to make me realize that any topic can be made into a great story, so I decided to pick it as my book.
I am not crazy about this tag, either but this week's technique was using glimmer mist. I put some thickers on the tag and then inked the whole thing. I then sprayed glimmer mist and put some pearl ink. I wanted to create the effect of "night." Afterwards, I pulled out the thickers and with some glue, put some glitter on the letters. The glimmermist made the tag all soft and wrinkly so that's why it ended up a bit odd and it's really hard to take a good photo but you get the gist. This, too, is not one of my favorites.
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I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a new technique each week. You can see the full list: here
A quiet day for David and I. Both of us playing, relaxing, watching some TV and resting. I had a short to-do list today but even that didn't get done. Oh well. I am trying to cut myself slack especially since I am having contractions each time I get up. All is ok overall. I had intended to catch up on some of my art while I was on maternity but haven't been able to so far. Let's see if tomorrow looks more promising.
As part of getting ready for the baby, my sister and I put together the pack'n'play I had bought for David. This is exactly where David spent his first six weeks and, if all goes well, little baby will spend his or her first weeks here, too. The boppy was a present but the other two pillows are the best new mother thing I ever got. They are called "My Breast Friend" and they are by far the very best nursing pillow I've ever owned. When new mom-to-bes ask me what they should get, I ask them if they plan on nursing. If they do, I tell them they must, have to, get this pillow. It's worth its weight in gold. I have two because I used to keep one at home and one in the car at all times.
One of the things I was very nervous about the first time around was nursing. I wanted to make sure I could nurse and felt scared and insecure. But I was also determined. I am happy to say I got to do it for a long long time, so it's one less worry this time around. I know that, assuming all goes well, I will be able nurse this little one, too.
Today we had our weekly doctor appointment and our wonderful doctor let David help listen to the baby's heartbeat and it was all so smooth and nice. I love my doctor and I hope she's the one on call when the little one is coming. Either way, I am glad I had her through this pregnancy.
We wanted to take some flower shots in the neighborhood since things are finally blooming for spring. We spent the rest of the day mostly resting and not getting too much done.
This shot is really representative of the day we had. All three of us were grouchy in our on way and despite one piece of unbelievable and fantastic news in the middle of the day, we just couldn't get ourselves to be in good spirits.
My text:
Family is the one thing that makes me laugh more than anything else in my life. One of the original reasons I picked my husband was his great sense of humor and ability to make me laugh. I am not that easily amused and don’t tend to have a good sense of humor so any man who can make me laugh is a keeper in my book. Not to mention the little boy who is so funny, so sweet and cute that the wonderful man and I managed to bring to this world…
Technique highlight:
This is inspired by an old art journal page by Ali Edwards. It uses two chipboard pieces that I put down before I painted the whole page and then the white and silver sections are created by melting wax. Of course it doesn’t do justice to the original but it was fun to play with and it did make me smile.
Today started much better. We were invited to an Easter brunch at our friend Kathy's and David was the only kid there which meant he had the 60-some eggs all to himself. He was so excited and so happy that he couldn't stop hugging her and telling her how awesome she was. I think it was by far the best Easter he's ever had.
The rest of our day went pretty smoothly, too. I finally got my birthplan done and I got the packing list for the hospital, too so I will pack tomorrow. A few tiny things and we're officially ready for this little one. Though, I have another 13 days or so and I'd like the baby to stay put until it's due date ideally so she or he can be fully grown and healthy. Cross fingers.
My mom is coming a week from today. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving and I can't wait. One more week. I will leave you with a shot of David digging through Kathy's house to find all the eggs.
Quiet day here. Semi-productive and mostly resting and relaxing. Got a few things done and have a whole bunch more to go. I shall leave you with another one of the cute, sweet boy.
Happy, productive day today! I ordered my photos, finished the performance evalations for work, finished reading my friend Kathy's story, ordered all the certificates I needed to do my upcoming consulate work, got gas, went to Costco, nd even bought a few scrapbook fun at Michael's. Which is where we bought David these cute little stickers he is wearing. I've even printed my birth plan and have done half the list for packing our bags. Another productive day tomorrow and I think we'll be all set.
After which maybe I can actually get some art done since I am itching to do my tag and maybe even a few more creative therapy catalysts. Wouldn't that be awesome. Thursday's going to be a full day so I want to make sure to get some good rest tomorrow, too. I can't believe we're already halfway through this week. All this time is passing way too quickly.
You know it was time for another tulip shot, right?
I guess my "middle of the day" nap got in the way yesterday cause I couldn't sleep properly all night. I woke up at 1am and didn't go back to sleep until 3am. I am not sure if it's the baby, the crazy amount of other stuff happening in my life right now, or just feeling not tired but it makes the next day that much harder.
So so on the productivity scale today. But feeling ok despite being a bit tired. I got my tag finished (coming in the next post) which makes me happy. Finished a few more odds and ends and I am off to read some paperwork that needs to be read today. A few more errands this afternoon and I should feel like a good, solid day and then I can do some more art. The art makes me so happy.
David and I also played a game today. One he invented. He spent a long time collecting items for it, waited patiently until I was ready to play, and then meticilously wrote instructions for it. Here he is going over the instructions with me:
Ok after two relatively challenging ones, this was easy for me. What makes me me is my capacity to love wholeheartedly. I can love, care and be there with all my being for the people in my life. I stick by them and I am there no matter what. My love is deep, true, and with all my being. So my theme was love.
For this tag, I was inspired by this paper from Prima Marketing. I wanted to use fabric but my punch wouldn't punch through so I used the beautiful "que sera sera" papers from K & Company. I put some thin white paint on the background paper just to dim it out a bit and then just stitched over the hearts. And of course added some bling. Can't seem to do without the small sparkle. That's about it.
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I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a new technique each week. You can see the full list: here
I am sorry, I don't know why I keep falling behind lately. Today was a long day of a lot of errands for us. It started with a doctor's appointment. I am only 2cm dilated and around 50% effaced so there's still a while to go for the little one. We then ran a bunch more errands and then went to Subway. I seem to be completely addicted to the chicken fillet sandwiches there lately and crave them every single day.
We then came home and were both wiped so took naps and then woke up and went back out. After finishing off a really important errand, we finally decided to celebrate this very productive day with some ice cream. David ate this relatively gross one and I had some chocolate ice cream with bananas. Yum.
Probably due to the doctor's appointment and the hectic day, but I had some crampy contractions today. The kind that signifies labor. So tomorrow's going to be a quiet day at home just to make sure.
As promsed, a quiet day today. The cramps seem to have quieted down, thankfully.
The only thing we did today was to take a little walk in the neighborhood and go to subway for another yummy sandwich. Otherwise, it was a TV and rest day. Isn't the little boy so cute? I wonder how similar he and the little baby will be? Is he or she also going to look like Daddy?
I will leave you with a flower photo I took outside, aren't you glad it's not a tulip?
A truly wonderful Saturday. We went bowling early in the day and had a lot of fun. I didn't bowl but took some fun photos which I will post next. We then got some more Subway and came back home to take some family photos which is when we took the above shot. I'll post the others separately.
David then went down for his nap and I did a few upcoming catalysts. Did a bunch of coordinaton and organization for the next few weeks. I am trying to get ready for the baby as much as I can. I know it's all going to be unpredictable and I am ok with that but I'd like to finish off as many loose ends as possible.
When David woke up, he and Jake went out to the park and I rested a bit and next thing we know it was time to eat, watch some TV and go to bed. All in all, a truly wonderful day.
I was going to pick Family or Love. Honestly, those words are what make me coziest and warmest inside but I wanted to pick something different from last week so I decided to go with Euphoria. I hadn’t heard of that word until college (Just to be fair, English is my second language.) and as soon as I heard it, I felt happy. To me, it is one of those words that suits its meaning so well. So I love that word.
Another fantastic day. Didn't get any art done so far but I did do a whole bunch of the chores I had setup. I caught up in my 365 binder. I posted creative therapy. I cleaned up a bit. I caught up on my blog. Got some pregnant photos taken and cleaned up some of the Tivo. Maybe will get to do some art before we have to leave to pickup my mom.
I woke up at 4am again and didn't go back to sleep this time. So I took a nap even. I am officially one week away from this little one's due date. Quite amazing. Long as it was, it all went so quickly. While I took my nap, David played quietly in the living room and here are some of his creations. He is such a wonderful kid and so good at playing with toys.
Officially on my last week of pregnancy now. Quite amazing. Here's me with swollen lips, stained face and neck, and a huge belly. What do you think? Boy or girl?
I downloaded Ali's digital elements for the first time. I love these frames. Aren't they pretty?
A long but wonderful day today. I woke up at 1:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. I made a whole bunch of calls to overseas and then worked for a while and tried to go back to sleep at 4:30am but then David decided to wake up at 6am so in the end there was almost no sleep most of the night. It's unbelievably hot here and I am melting so that doesn't help either.
But it was a productive and great day despite all that. We dropped David at school, went to run Apple stored errands, and then spent a long time at a little cafe in Palo Alto. We then cooled off at the hotel and went to our afternoon appointment. We then rented my mom a car and I finally came back home.
I then found out David has pooped in the toilet! It may sound odd but it's a big deal in our house for a long story I won't get into here. But that's why he is getting to eat a popsicle here. Big big deal.
Another wonderful day. The worst part of today was the totally crazy swelling I have on my ankles and feet. With David, my feet never swelled. But now, they are three times their actual size. Ugh.
A quiet-ish day at home today. Mom and I figured out a bunch more errands, I am washing the last of the baby's clothes and I think we're pretty much set now. I am officially getting nervous about labor too so I guess it's getting close now.
It's been really really hot here which doesn't help with the sweating and swelling. But I think it's going to start getting cooler tomorrow so I am looking forward to that. Thankfully.
Here's a snapshot of the sunset I caught on the way home from dinner tonight. Magnificent.
And yet a third productive day! yey!! Got a lot lot done today and I am happy to feel like I'm making a lot of progress on accomplishing things I want to do before the little one arrives.
Not much else to write today. Except: Happy Birthday Michelle!! Love you.
And yet another productive day if you can believe it. I had a doctor's appointment this morning and it turns out I am 3.5-4cm dilated. About halfway effaced. So I think it's pretty close now but I honestly don't know. We've also decided to keep the little one's blood cord. Nothing like making these decisions so last minute.
Then we took a trip to IKEA and came back home to rest a bit. Another trip to Crate and Barrel and the day was over. David was too tired today and threw a huge tantrum when I came to pick him up. I have no patience or strength anymore of course but I tried to be nice to him. I love him so so much. He's such the sweetest boy. Here he is, with his best friend Joseph at school.
Happy Thursday. Let's see when the little one decides to show up.
We're finally home. Safe and sound. The little one seems to like it here so far. He's been really wonderful. Nursing and peeing and pooping and sleeping and doing all the right things he should be doing, thankfully.
I am feeling pretty tired but ok overall. I don't have the energy to write about the labor yet but it was all very quick and smooth. So we're all feeling tired but lucky and blessed. Thank you so much for all your kind words.
Our first day home went relatively smooth. Nathaniel was up and down during the night but nothing other than expected. David slept like a champ and he's such a sweet big brother. He's being quiet and playing next to us as I nurse Nathaniel. He gives them hugs and kisses his feet.
I am trying to pace myself since I know there will be many months of this so I am resting as much as I can and I even managed to take a shower today so I feel much better. Trying to accomplish one small thing each day but not expecting much of myself. Jake's going to go to work tomorrow so I wil be taking David to school with Nathaniel; we'll see how that goes.
I am still sore all over which is really the one thing bugging me. I know it's expected but it's really annoying to feel black and blue all over. Oh well. It shall pass.
Just in case you thought I forgot about this one. He's always my first love and he's so wonderful so don't you worry. He is such a great big brother. He helped me so much this morning to clean up and get ready for school and in just every little way. He really is an angel.
A little low on the sleep but all in all a great day. I managed to get it all coordinated so Nathaniel nursed on time to fall asleep right as we needed to leave for David's school so he slept the whole way there and back. And then woke to nurse when we got home. Big success. My mom came over for the day and we did some planning etc. until it was time to take Nathaniel to his 3-day check up. He's great and gained a lot of weight back already. Yey.
Some luch/dinner and my day was over. It all went really smoothly and I am hoping the same for tonight. Cross your fingers for me. And, of course I'll leave you with a photo:
Here's David watching Nathaniel sleep. I was making him food and he said he'd stay here while I made his food to make sure the baby wasn't scared. Isn't he awesome? He really is being the best brother.
Another relatively eventless day. We took David to school togehter, came back, had breakfast and both of us took a nap. I then finished some errands like bills, insurance paperwork, thank you letters etc. And then mom came over with some lunch and I took another nap. A little TV and going through the baby kit I'd bought for Nathaniel and we're about to go to sleep for the night. Well, at least until the next nursing break.
So far, he's really the sweetest kid. I am so blessed to have two wonderful sons. I don't know what I did to deserve it but I am so so thankful.
Here are two shots from school today. David playing and Nathaniel looking around, taking it all in.
I want to capture this before I forget all the details.
When I went to the doctor on Thursday and she told me I was 4cm dilated, I sort of had a hunch that the little one might come that night. I even went to bed telling Jake that tonight was likely the night, (tho I must admit I'd said similar things before).
Around 3am, I woke up feeling a bit funny. Had to go to the bathroom three times in a row ad had a bit of pain but nothing too strong. I lay down in bed but couldn't fall asleep. Jake had to get up to go to work at 4am so I didn't want to wake him up and decided to get up. As I got up, I felt some water and thought maybe my water broke. A trip to the bathroom showed some fresh blood so I got worried and called the hospital. They told me it could be my water and to come in.
So I woke up Jake and told him I thought it was time. We packed up the few things that were left, got some clothes for David, woke him up and piled in the car. Halfway to the hospital, we realized we didn't have any shoes for David and went back home to get them. I still had no pain and was starting to worry that maybe it was all false and Jake was going to miss work on a particularly bad day to miss work. He kept trying to send an email as we drove to let them know he might not come in. We pulled over to do that, too, and then finally got to the hospital.
He dropped me off and went to park with David. I got one of the guards to walk me to the labor and delivery area and one of the nurses put me in a room to check if my water had indeed broken. It was 4:20am. As it turned out, it hadn't. While I felt terrible about hauling everyone to the hospital, the nurse said she wanted to keep me there a while longer to see how far apart my contractions were. They were about 5mins apart. This normally would mean going back home but since it was my second labor, she said she wanted to check how dilated I was and that I might have to stay since things might progress pretty fast.
As it turned out, I was 5cm so she told me I wasn't going home, it was likely that I'd have the baby in 4-5 hours. At this point it was 4:45am or so. Theoretically, Jake could still go into the city, trade and come back. But we decided that wasn't a very good idea and that he should stay just in case. They moved me to the labor room and another nurse came to get my information. By now it was a little past 5am. As she put in the needles for the blood collection (for cord blood) and for the IV, I called my mom and told her Jake was bringing David over. The nurse couldn't get my blood to come out so she put the IV in and decided to try the other arm. My arm is very black and blue even now. And she still couldn't get the full 3 vials the cord blood registry requested. She sent them 2.5 vials.
The nurse asked me if I wanted an epidural and I told her that I thought I could wait a bit longer. The contractions were pretty bad when they came but they were still pretty far apart and didn't seem to last very long. She got a bunch more infromation and asked me a few more times about the epidural in the next 20 mins. I finally told her to go ahead and call the anesthesiologist. As it turned out he was beginning someone else's epidural and would be over in around 20 mins. Around 5:40 or so Jake came back. He had dropped off David and gone back home to get some chargers we forgot. A few minutes after he came, my contractions got pretty bad. After one really really bad one, the nurse decided maybe she should check me right then so she dropped everything and checked. As it turned out I was 9.5cm dilated. Which meant I was in full labor mode and it was too late for epidural or anything else.
They put an emergency call to the doctor on call and asked a resident to come over just in case. Two more horrifying contractions later, just knowing I wasn't going to get the epidural was freaking me out. The resident told me that the baby was coming so I just had to push. She popped my water (which still hadn't broken) and told me to push. As I felt I might be splitting in half, I pushed once really hard. Just then the anesthesiologist came and, with one look at me, he reaized it was too late for him and left. I begged the resident to get the baby out and pushed one more time. On the third push, I felt the baby come out and we were done. It was 6:04am.
As I had requested, they gave the baby to me immediately and cleaned him while he was on me. He was really really purple. And it turns out his cord was wrapped around his head so it's a good thing I didn't have to push too long, we might have ended up in a c-section. He turned pink pretty quickly and his 1-min apgar score was 8 and his 5-minute one was a 9.
At this point, the doctor showed up and when she realized the baby was out, she started to collect the cord blood as the little one and I bonded.
And then they finally took him away to weigh and measure him. 6lbs 7oz and 20.5 inches.
After that, we spent some time relaxing in the labor room, calling our parents etc. The nurse left for the morning nurse who turned out to be the mother of one of David's classmates which was HUGELY lucky because she got us a highly-desired private room at the hospital. On the way to our room, we stopped by the nursery for a K-shot and his first bath. And then we finally got to settle into our room and start the recovery process.
All in all, an extremely quick labor. It was 1 hour and 44 minutes from the time I arrived at the hospital to the time he was born. Thank God Jake didn't go to work and had he spent an extra few minutes at home, he might have missed the whole labor. I got realy lucky and had no tears, nothing at all really so I had almost nothing to cause recovery issues. Most importantly, the little one turned out to be perfectly healthy and wonderful.
I forgot to post this since I was having a baby when it went up. Last week's catalyst was: Apologize to someone.
Here's my text:
I try to live my life with as few regrets as possible and when I hurt someone or feel bad about something, I generally try to apologize immedaitely so that it’s not something that I drag out for a long time.
One of the rare exceptions is an old friend. Many many many years ago, this boy asked me out. He would have been my first boyfriend and for a plethora of reasons, I said no. I told him some of the reasons but the really big reason, the one I wasn't so proud of even then, I didn't tell him. He guessed it and knew it but I never admitted to it. We stayed friends on and off for a very long time and still talk today and I have always regretted having turned him down then but we never had the opportunity to date ever again.
A few years ago, I took this course that had me reevaluate my life and coincidentally, I was planning a trip back home after the course. So the first thing I did was call him up and apologize. I met with him and I told him the real reason I didn't have the guts to go out with him then and how much and how deeply I regretted not telling him all these years even though he knew it and even worse how much I regretting missing our opportunity.
He was incredibly graceful. Not only did he forgive me but he told me that maybe things worked out much better this way. Had we dated, he said, we might have gone out for a while and then broken up and never talked again. Whereas this way, we got to stay friends for another twenty years and get to be in each others' lives even now.
That apology and hearing his response was one of the most healing moments of my life and I wanted to commemorate it with this piece of art.
I know this photo is blurry but I love this image of my mom showing Nathaniel to my sister over iChat so it was going to be my photo of the day despite the lack of quality.
Today was a good day. Nathaniel and Mom and I went out to lunch and got some sunshine. We then came back home and chatted with my sister a bit and that was it for the eventful part of the day. Oh, and, his umbilical cord already fell off. Yeah, that's about it. Honestly, I love how quiet and empty the days are. It forces me to rest more and be calmer.
Here's David playing at school and the second one is a baloon string he attached to his ninja to make a ninja parachute. He spent hours and hours playing with that little toy.
And of course, here's the little one. I promised myself there'd be daily photos of him, especially because I did that for David in his first year.
This is what David does when I tell him to smile. He makes the funny smile and I tell him that's not a smile and he puts his hands to check his face and he tells me that's happy look. It makes me laugh and laugh.
Mom's last day today. She's leaving tonight for Turkey. It's been a productive and useful but short visit. We ran a lot of errands. She took care of David while we were in the hospital and helped me out in so many ways. I'm always sad when she leaves but I feel like this particular trip we accomplished so much that I feel less regretful than usual. Thank you so much for everything, Mom. I love you.
Mom bought me some beautiful tulips before she left. Aren't they magnificent?
David was invited to a birthday party today, so he got all dressed up, posed for some blurry photos and he and Daddy went off only to realize that the party is tomorrow, not today. Doh! So they finaly went and got his hair cut. You'll see in tomorrow's photos.
Nathaniel and I stayed behind and did some errands. I folded all the laundry (there was a lot). Watched some TV (we're running out of space in the dvr). Changed the look of my site (like it?). and got caught up on all my posts. I am prepping tomorrow's catalyst, too and then I will lie down for a nap. Here's the little boy from earlier today.
I thought about this one for a long time. Honestly, I've had two "best vacation" experiences. The one I decided to highlight here is our honeymoon to the Seychelles islands.
Coincidentally, this was the number one choice for both of us and while the trip was obscenely long and they lost our luggage when we got there, it was worth every single minute. The beaches, the nature and the wildlife at the Seychelles is absolutely breathtaking. We were relaxed, happy, and loved everything about this paradise on earth. I will never, ever forget this trip.
The one I didn't highlight here was our cross-country trip. In 2003, we both quit our jobs and decided to move across the county. We bought a car and visited 40 states. We camped, we visited all the national parks, we ate both good and really bad food. We spent the whole summer in our little Civic and had a total blast. Another vacation I will never, ever forget.
These are cupcakes Jake's office sent us when we came home from the hospital. Don't they look amazing? Yesterday, one of my old colleagues from work brought over 6 dishes for us to enjoy while we're home. Everything from soup and salad to main dishes to dessert. People's generosity and kindness leaves me in awe.
Days are passing uneventfully here, which, to me, is a good sign. Another relaxing day. David went to his friend's birthday party, we watched some TV, ate some, slept some, and that's about it.
Here's Nathaniel accomodating me as I try a new pose. He did get annoyed about two seconds after I snapped this.
Here's David with his hair short. Yes, not nearly as cute but now he can see.
Last night was a bit rougher than usual. Not really Nathaniel's fault. He slept earlier at night but for some reason, my head was too busy and I couldn't fall asleep. I kept tossing and turning. So by the time I decided I could fall asleep, Nathaniel was awake again and again. It worked out ok though, I took a nap when we came back from dropping off David to school and I feel less like someone slapped me now. We even ran some errands. Cashed checks, notarized paperwork, etc. I feel good about being able to do some things. No matter how small.
David was being an angel at school again. I love watching him play and discover new things at school. I am so glad he is happy there.
We also got confirmation that Nathaniel's cord blood was successfully stored. This is something we decided at the very last minute. We never did it for David and we couldn't decide if we should for Nathaniel or not. As it turned out, the yearly cost was quite low so it just came to the one-time collection fee and we decided better safe than sorry. Especially if we decide not to have any more kids. Now that it's come and gone, I am really glad we did it. And I hope we never, ever need it.
Today was Nathaniel's follow up appointment to make sure he'd gained his weight back. As you can see, he's not as fan of being weighed. The good news is he's gained all of the weight back and a bit more. Yey! A lot of photos to share today.
Tonight while I was processing photos, Nathaniel was lying in my bed, looking around and David decided he wanted to talk to him and give him hugs and kisses. He kept bringing toys to show the baby. He really is being ultra sweet to Nathaniel.
David came home from school covered in green paint today. I mean all over. Like the Hulk. When I left him this morning, he was doing a Mother's Day project. I wonder if that's what the green was for.
Here's one of Nathaniel from early in the morning. He loves looking around and watching everything.
And finally another shot of the beautiful tulips.
A lot of little errands again today. I might finally be seeing the bottom of that list which is good cause I'd love to do some art. Let's see if I get to this week. Oh, and, I hope you get well really soon Daddy, I love you!
See how he's sleeping peacefully? So sweet? He didn't do much of that last night. Nor did David. I think they conspired to make sure I didn't have a sleep-ful night so here I am tired with a horrifying headache that won't go away. Ugh.
Thankfully, I have the world's best husband ever cause he left work early, gassed up both of the cars, went grocery shopping, and then picked up David. He's an angel. I just was completely useless all day. I slept. I tried to sleep and then slept some more. That was about it.
Here's the big brother.
My dad had an operation today. Got his gallbladder removed. I am so thankful to know he's ok and so thankful for iChat and Skype. And the internet. I was there with them as much as possible. Get well quickly, Daddy.
Here's David and his teacher Cody. Aren't they so sweet? David was really odd this morning. He didn't want to get out of bed. He woke up, took off his pajamas, got dressed, and went back into bed. He kept saying he was still tired. It was really really odd.
I meant to say that the really colorful place where Nathaniel was sleeping yesterday was a present from our friend Jess. Something I really wanted so thank you so much Jess! Nathaniel loves it too. So does David. He loves playing with the baby toys everywhere. He keeps showing Nathaniel his toys too. He's so sweet.
Here's Nathaniel from this morning. He was actually awake when I took David to school which is pretty rare since the car puts him to sleep asap.
A better night last night. We all slept a bunch more. I decided to give myself the day off and took a morning nap and feel much more rested. The headache is still here but quiet now. The next six weeks promises to be very hectic but a good kind of hectic a new, big step in our life. I can't wait!
And here's David with teacher Kathleen. We all love her.
Quiet day today. Finally got to do some art. A little bit but still better than none. It was so nice to spend some time with the tags. Jake's going to be gone some of this weekend but I am still excited to have him for some of the weekend and to spend some time all four of us. I love my family so much and I feel so blessed. Speaking of family, Dad is home safe and sound, thankfully. All in all, a great week!
This was easy for me. I've been thinking lately about how wonderful life is and how lucky and blessed I am. So my current truth is just that: Life is wonderful.
Just some chipboard, punches and ink on this one. Nothing else.
This week's question was "What is your superpower"
I had to think about this one for a while. My first instinct was to write what I might put down on a self-evaluation at work. I am good at getting things done. I execute. This is something that has allowed me to accomplish a lot in my life and it has allowed me to be successful in my career. But, then again, it's not really my superpower.
My true superpower, i believe, is that i stick by people and will do anything for them. Pleasing others and seeing them happy gives me indescribable joy and I will do pretty much anything to see them happy. I give and love wholeheartedly.
Just some misting and epoxies for this one. And stitching.
Even though this photo is bad quality, it is such a great photo of how awesome David is so I love it. David has always been the kind of kid who plays for hours all by himself. Today, as I was nursing Nathaniel and catching up on some TV, I turned around to find David playing quietly. He's so so awesome.
Today was David's best friend Joseph's birthday. Jake's in Boston so the three of us got in the car and went to the park where it was. I didn't want David to miss it no matter what. He did have a great time even though we weren't there for a long time. I am so glad we did go.
The little one slept the whole time.
The rest of our day was quiet and wonderful. I really love being home with my kids. I love my kids. I love my husband. I am feeling so thankful.
Jake's mom bought David this magnificent toy that he loved immediately. He's been playing with it nonstop.
A wonderful mother's day here. Jake came from Boston with tulips and we sat down and chatted and then went to IKEA to run some errands. Nothing amazing, just a quiet day with my wonderful family. Couldn't ask for anything better.
And just so you can see that Nathaniel isn't always happy happy joy joy...
Despite the fact that I like clean and tidy houses, it's the one thing I always and always put off. I wish I were tidier. I wish I had one of those perfect houses that look so organized and tidy. I don't think it's in the cards for me.
I am trying to establish some sitting areas in each room. So the living room is for computer and TV and has this little boppy for the baby so he can sit, too. Here's one of those rare moments where he did like it. The playroom has scrapbooking and another little seat for Nathaniel. And the bedroom is for reading. This way I don't spend all day in the same room (or bed.)
Today was a bit challenging for us. Nathaniel just cried the whole time he was awake and I was trying to not get him to sleep too much so we fought back and forth since all he wanted to do was nurse and sleep. I hope he will sleep tonight.
He is so so beautiful though and I love him so so so much.
And of course, here's the other one who is also manificent and he's playing with a teaset with me right now as Natheniel sleeps (of course!) I love my boys so so much!
Here's David from school this morning. He was feeling a bit sick I think cause he got very upset after I left and ran out of class twice to give me hugs and asked me to go back and be with him. I am hoping he's not getting sick because it would be a major bummer right now.
And here's Nathaniel. See those beautiful eyes? I wonder if they will stay blue. What do you think?
Feeling a little low today. Not really sure why. Nothing bad actually happened and I am not even low on sleep. Just feeling worn out maybe? I keep thinking of bad things over and over for some reason. Like I keep thinking something terrible is going to happen. Maybe it's cause everything has been so great and I am worried something will happen to offset it. Who knows. I hope it will go away.
Here's David at school. Much better today. One of those days where you know he's going to come home all messy with paint everywhere.
I know it's a terrible photo but I love the feeling in it so it stays.
Productive day! yey! I got some errands done and then went to work to have lunch with my friend Cole. I saw about a million people which made it hard to chat with Cole but it was great to see everyone. I stayed a bit longer than I should have though and Nathaniel was really hungry by the time we got home. I even bought moving boxes. Yey me.
Here's how I found David at school today. He had some boo-boos. But he's so so cute. And here's the little one, sleeping peacefully.
Here's David after a long nap from which he didn't want to wake up. Not a happy camper.
Not the best day. Nathaniel decided not to sleep much after 2:30am so I've been up all night and all day and I couldn't sleep when he did finally fall asleep so I am dead tired. I think he's having a growth spurt cause he will not stop nursing all day either. Well, tomorrow is another day :)
David's getting pretty clever about the photo taking lately. Making cute and funny faces so he can have some fun with me. He's being so nice to everyone and he tells us ten times a day how much he loves us and how much he loves the baby. He's just the nicest kid ever. I feel so so lucky.
Nathaniel, on the other hand, has been going through what I think is a growth spurt. All he does is eat, cry and sleep. If he's not eating or sleeping, he's pretty much crying. I feel bad for him and I am pretty tired too so I hope it's not going to last too long.
The trait I admire most in others is what I call "being comfortable in your skin." I have a few friends who are just like that. They know who they are and they are comfortable with themselves. It's not confidence as much as just a level of self-comfort. When I hang out with them, I always find myself wishing I were like that too. It's something I am working on: loving myself the way I am.
Another day at home with two. David was caughing so much last night and this morning that even Jake said we shouldn't send him to school. So home, he stays. Here he is telling the baby how much he loves him. He's my sunshine.
And here he is being all cool with his cool glasses. He even asked me to take this photo.
And here's the daily Nataniel. Another one of my sunshines.
And, of course, the tulip.
So far, no the most productive day but let's see how the afternoon is.
Good day today! Despite the fact that the baby decided 4am was morning time and spent the next two hours just cooing and looking around. I still got a lot done this afternoon and something I've been really anxiously waiting for did arrive today so I am just happy. And look how peacefully he's sleeping. Isn't he so sweet?
Those eyes still look blue to me! And here's poor David who's been caughing and just feeling crabby for days now. Poor little boy.
David's still sick so he was home with us today. Which meant not much got done today but that's ok. I love being home with my kids. Here he is waking up from a nap. I think he's finally getting better. This week's felt like a series of Fridays for some reason. Tho tomorrow finally is Friday.
Here's the little one. Still not sleeping perfectly but I love him so!
Look at that cute little boy. Isn't he so sweet? I love all the faces he makes. So much personality in such a little package.
David is still sick so I kept him home today, too. I finally took him to the doctor and it turns out he has sinusitis the poor boy. So he's on antibiotics now and hopefully will get better much more quickly. But, of course, to keep life interesting, now I am sick. Ugh.
Tonight, we attempted to go to I
KEA
(after renting a truck) and buy the 15 new pieces of furniture I wanted to buy and it turns out they each weigh like 100 lbs which is not a realistic number to carry when you have a newborn on a Bjorn, a 4year old who's having fun with all the boxes and a poor daddy who's been up since 4am. So that plan was aborted and we returned he truck and decided the delivery price was worth it. Oh well.
Nathaniel's one month old today. It is going by so fast and he's such a joy and delight. Happy one-month little boy.
I am still sick so we went to urgent care today and after spending 2 hours and 45 minutes there, it turns out I am fine and just came back home to rest and drink lots of water. bleh. At least David was in a good mood.
All in all, a quiet day with lots of TV and family time. What else can I ask for?
There are some days that are meant to be perfect. Like a wedding day, a graduation, a birth, a honeymoon. But then there are those other days that start out absolutely ordinary. Never promising more. On rare occasions, one of these days turn out magnificent. Unexpected. Perfect. Those are the extraordinary moments life is made out of. Joshua Tree was one of those days for me. I will never, ever forget it.
I am in the middle of big changes in my life. Lots of new beginnings and exciting possibilities. They are making me giddy with excitement and hope. It's like the first day of school. The clean notebooks. All that possibility. All that hope of starting over and getting it right this time around. That's how I feel.
Just cut out some papers and added some bling for this one. And a butterfly of course.
I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a new technique each week. You can see the full list: here.
Look at that amazing family. How can I not be so so so thankful?
Today was my seven-year wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband. As a present to me, we took lots of family photos and went to a wonderful lunch (thank you, mom and dad!) The rest of the day was spent with relaxation and art. A truly great day and here are some more family photos:
Look at the little boy. He's so alert and content. He had his one-month checkup today and all is wonderful. He's 21 inches and 8lbs 3oz. Yey! Growing wonderfully. He was in such a good mood. Even when he had his Hepatatis shot, he only cried for two minutes.
And David is back at school. Yey!!
Got a lot of work done today cleaning up. Not that you can tell at all...oh well.
This is David's I am looking at you but not listening face. Can't help but love the boy. He's loving being back at school; it's a shame we only have one more week and that's it for the year.
And here's the little one who had a rough day today. Not enough naps.
I got some work done today, cleaned up a bit and watched Marley and Me and Yes Men. And some quality family time. All in all, good day!
Look at the little feet and hands!! I love them. I need to photograph a lot more baby parts. Mini photo shoot for my boy.
And here's the smiley boy. He's such a sweetheart.
And David is sweet as always too. I love him love him love him. A rough start today. Nathaniel wouldn't sleep from 5:30am to 1pm. But then passed out finally. And he's slept 3 times since then. Sleeping now. I got a bunch done tho. Wrote my journaling for the June layouts for a Million Memories and organized a lot of stuff using Evernote and even packed a box. Got lots lots lots more to do of course but making slooooow progress.
Here's the wonderful David reading to his little brother. Isn't he awesome?
And Nathaniel doing tummy time.
Long day here. Nathaniel wouldn't sleep even after a trip to the park. David peed in his bed. The mailman came but didn't leave the packages so we had to drive to the post office to get them. Ugh.
My sister, Yona, doesn't visit very often.
In fact, the last time she was here was seven years ago
and the last time she saw you was almost three years ago.
So, I was very excited when she decided to come see us.
Once she arrived and you saw all the presents she brought
(and there were many!)
you were instant best friends.
But the best memories you and Yona made
were over blowing kisses.
She taught you how to blow and catch kisses
and you two spent hours playing that game.
"It went on the ceiling," she shouted.
"It went inside my tummy," you shrieked.
And you laughed and laughed.
David, it makes me so happy
to see you and my sister share a special bond.
I hope it lasts forever.
When I was expecting you, everyone told me to be prepared.
Your brother would be jealous, they said.
He will act out.
I knew they were wrong, but I kept quiet.
You’ll see, they said.
All kids do.
Well, I was right, of course.
You have the best brother in the world.
The day after you were born,
he was already reading stories to you.
And giving you kisses.
You are so lucky, my boy.
And so am I.
I’m not known for my sense of humor.
I don’t laugh very often.
Except when I am with you.
You make me smile and laugh
every single day, my son.
Thank you for bringing so much
joy into my life.
Thank you.
Welcome to our lives Nathaniel.
We’ve been waiting for you.
You are loved and cherished.
Nathaniel James.
Born April 24, 2009.
6:04am.
6lbs. 7oz.
20.5 inches.
David, the junior pirate! He loves his new pajamas!
And Nathaniel cranky whenever I don't hold him.
David kisses Nathaniel, trying to calm him down. Nathaniel is really lucky to have him.
Good day! We watched Street Fight (excellent!) this morning and Jake held the sleeping Nathaniel while I cleaned up all my scrap stuff. It's amazing how much stuff I have, especially the Thickers. Off to do some more cleanup.
Years ago, I was sitting at school with a friend who told me that a friend of hers (someone I only knew as an acquaintance) had had a really bad day. I am not sure what prompted me, but I emailed her friend that day and asked him if he was ok. Next thing I know, we were hanging out, becoming friends. And then dating. And then we got married. And now we have two kids. It all started with one single email. Amazing what can change in a moment.
A quiet-ish day here. Eveyone was a bit tired and a bit cranky so we all laid low. Here's David giving a kiss to the baby. He does this many times a day.
And Nathaniel touching him (albeit unintentionally).
Look at those beautiful lips. He's so so cute.
And the funny boy with a funny face!
Tomorrow is a new month. Possibly a big one for us. Hope your weekend was great!
I told myself that today would be a relaxing day. Not getting anything done. No pressure for me. So right now I am watching TV and Nathaniel is sprawled on my lap, sleeping soundly and peacefully. He's so so cute.
And here's David from this morning with his Buzz Lightyear helmet. He's such a doll!!
Look at that! David yelled while I was in the kitchen this morning, "Look, Mommy, he's holding my hand!" I ran in and they were looking at each other and holding hands. My boys. I love them.
And here's one of Nathaniel in the bath. Love those fists.
Good day today! I had my six-week checkup appointment and all is well. I have this weird itch all over which has been driving me crazy so I finally got an appointment so that makes me happy. Nathaniel and I took a walk and then he napped while I cleaned up more. Making a dent now!
I love him. There are no words to express how much I love him. Tomorrow is his last day at school and then the summer begins. Let's see how I do with two boys at home. And here's the little one curled up in his chair.
Another relatively good day. I ran errands like IKEA and getting insurance and signing paperwork and calling handymen etc. Nathaniel is sleeping so so. He wakes up every two hours and generally takes 45mins to an hour and a half to go back to sleep. It's enough that I feel ok during the day but not so much that I feel rested. Oh well...
Nathaniel loves looking at light. I think his eyes will stay blue, don't you? And here's David on his last day of school. I am excited about this summer. I want to make the most of it with my boys.
Here's David playing music to the baby.
A few more small errands today but otherwise trying to take it easy. Nathaniel was up a lot last night so I am resting but not sleeping since he won't let me put him down. Can't believe we're in June already. This year is literally flying by.
Isn't he so beautiful? Ok, so I am biased. I do think those eyes are gonna stay blue, though. And here's the big brother figuring out how to put together a lego toy our neighbors left on our doorstep for him. We have the best neighbors.
Quiet day here. David's officially on vacation now so I have to figure out what to do for the summer. I think soccer, swimming and gymnastics classes for him, so he's not bored and I'll make daily schedules for us. Ten more days and we can organize our life a bit better. Let's see.
Sleeping peacefully. Pretty rare but happens every now and then. And I look at him and all I want to do is hold him, kiss him, hug him, and kiss him some more. Quiet morning over here as we relax and watch TV and play games and just enjoy a simple Saturday.
Feeling exceptionally hormonal today. Not sure why. Who even knows why it comes and goes. I have been discovering new blogs and going back to my favorites and reading their old old entries from years ago. I've been inspired and thoughtful. It made me want to write more. read more. think more. expect some entries to come. assuming i can find the time to sit and write.
Here's my text (an old blog entry):
When I was younger, I used to travel in a crowd of beautiful women. I don't know how it happened but all my female "friends" were drop dead gorgeous and within a few weeks, my self-image managed to wither away to nothing. At the time, I started playing a game where each time I caught myself wishing I had someone else's something (like hair or eyes or nose or legs) I would force the issue.
I told myself that the rules were such that I wasn't allowed to take body parts or personality traits and plug them into the rest of me. If I liked someone's something, I had to completely change places with that person. Not only did I get their whole body, but I got all their personal issues, emotions, family, psychological state of mind, past, living status, job and anything else you can think of. I basically forced myself to choose between me and this random (or in some cases not so random) person. Yeah, I got to have their small nose or blue eyes, but was I ready to also have their eating disorder? How about the disinterested mom? Was I willing to give up all of who I am to look like this person? It was my way of forcing myself to face the fact that people don't come in pieces. You want a part, you get the whole thing. How do you like them apples?
In fifteen years, I've never met one person I was willing to change places with. I don't know if it was the fact that I wasn't willing to give up certain aspects of who I am of my life or the fact that I tend to favor the known over the unknown. Looking at a woman walking down the street, I can see she has pretty hair or a size-2 figure, but I can't see what goes on in her head or how much she suffers daily. With me, at least I know the hand I am dealt and I know how to live within its limits, when to push it, when to enjoy it. The game's done a lot to improve my self-esteem.
I love this boy. I cannot believe he's mine. I cherish him so much. And here's another shot of Nathaniel sleeping. Jake took this one while he was in my arms. Doesn't he look so peaceful?
Another day of blog surfing and baby hugging. Nothing else to report. Happy Sunday.
Across all the jobs I've ever had and all the reviews I got, my managers always agreed on one thing: "Karen gets things done." It's who I am. I make lists and then I execute them. I am one of those people who dots the i's and crosses the t's. I like to see things finished. I love having todo lists and I love crossing the items off. It's what keeps me going.
So when something gets in the way of the ability to get things done, I feel very uneasy. I feel out of my power-zone and I get depressed. Quite quickly.
That's how things have been here lately. Nathaniel is getting up every two hours at night and he doesn't sleep during the day unless he's in my arms. Which means nothing else is getting done.
And I mean nothing.
Even on days when I manage to shower, I am rarely out of my nightgown (since it allows the best nursing, I tell myself) and I sit here and stare at the computer most days.
And I am depressed. I feel guilty. We're moving in a week and I feel bad for not going through and cleansing like I've been meaning to. I feel bad for David who is officially on summer break and already bored out of his mind. I feel bad for not creating anything. For not having started Nathaniel's scrapbook yet. For not taking photos of anything but my kids. For not going out and enjoying the beautiful California sun. For not making the most of my maternity which I know will pass by so quickly.
The list goes on and on.
At the end of each day (which is 8pm for me lately) I get sad and depressed and think of all I didn't do. I often tell Jake how horrible I feel. Sometimes I cry.
This is when the amazing and wise Jake tells me that I am doing the most important thing that needs to get done right now. I am raising our son. I am feeding him, taking care of him and loving him. This is all I need to do, he tells me. You are exactly where you need to be. he tells me.
I love him.
I am trying to remind myself that sometimes life requires pauses. Sometimes it's important to slow down. To be in the moment. I am trying to forgive myself for the things I am not getting done. I am reminding myself that life flies by so quickly and this tiny, little creature who needs my help, love, and nourishment will soon grow up and I will miss these days. I will miss them so much. My todo lists will be there when this time passes. I will go back to getting things done. It's what I do and the list of things that need getting done will never end.
David loves playing with Nathaniel's toys. I love that he doesn't think they are silly or childish. He's a great big brother to play with. And here's the baby with a hint of a smile.
Slow but productive day. Made a few appointments, packed a few boxes, not too much but slow progress. Tomorrow is a big day here, let's see how it goes.
I've been thinking a lot about validation lately. And the motivation behind why I do what I do and why I don't do certain things.
One of the things I do as a design team member is post my scrapbook layouts to a few sites. I have come to abhor this practice. Mostly because I've noticed that posting my work online anywhere immediately turns me into an obsessed psycho. Once I know it's up there, I hit refresh every five minutes for the next few days just to see if anyone left a comment. And my sun rises and sets with those comments. On the rare occasion when I make it to a top ten or get a special mention, watch me dance.
A part of me used to think it's just a silly reaction that comes from lack of confidence (which I have a lot of) but recently I've been thinking about how it's more than that. How it's damaging and how it plays to my insecurities even more so they never heal.
There are times I find myself scrapping a certain way (and this is not specific to scrapbooking, I used to write fiction and did the same exact thing back then or with photography) just because I know the community will like it. Just to get the comments. Or the approval. The validation. And, honestly, to me this is a big deal.
Everyone has their reasons for scrapping (or for thinking scrapping is stupid, low-class, waste of time. yes, i've heard it all) and I don't judge people who do it for pure art. But, for me, it's about the stories. It's about capturing and pausing life. So I can remember it forever. So I can look back and smile, laugh, cry, appreciate. Cause life is worth remembering. Every part of it. Even the bad bits.
So, while I appreciate other people's artsy pages, I want to journal on every single page I make. I want to do it without worrying about how much space it will take and how much the journaling might interfere with the rest of the design. I want to say all that I need to say. I want to be able to look at my page and know that I captured exactly what I wanted (needed) to capture. (Of course, I do like doing artsy things too and use other opportunities for that, like my tags.)
Yet, I seek validation nonstop. As soon as a page is finished, I have to show it to Jake. I have to post it on a board somewhere. It's like if someone, somewhere hasn't seen and liked it, it didn't happen. It was the same way with my writing. I'd make Jake read my stories and we'd spend hours fighting about his comments (or lack thereof) and he doesn't even read fiction!
So I need to find a way to stop this cycle. I need to learn to trust myself. Trust my pages. Trust that I am doing what I want to do and I don't need someone else to tell me it's beautiful. I don't need someone else to approve. I just need to do what I do and learn that the person whose approval and validation matters is mine. And just mine.
So how do I do that? Do I stop posting on the boards altogether? Do I post but ignore the comments (or lack thereof)? Do I just post on my blog? Do I not even do that?
I honestly am not sure. But I think the first step is to take a little break from posting elsewhere. My blog only. The second step is to go through all my layouts and figure out which ones I like the most and why. Find my true north. And then make peace with it. After I find what's "me," I think the second step will be deciding what I want from the people "out there." Maybe I want some true criticism or just techniques to learn or just cheering. Depending on what that is, I shall go look for the right community. I think that's the most important step. Finding the right people. Not trying to become something I am not. Not trying to fit into a place that's obviously not right for my goals. But finding the place that's right for me (and I don't mean the superfluous this-is-nice comments either. i don't like giving those and don't want someone to feel like it's a chore they need to fulfill.)
So what if there's no such community? Well, then I have two options: post nowhere or create the community I seek.
The most important step though is to stop seeking validation. Especially in the wrong places. How can I ask others to value my opinion when I don't value it myself?
Nathaniel lying on daddy's shoulders. He loves his dad. And he loves David. He smiles at him all the time and today he was tracking him and watching all that he does. And here he is with his long long lashes.
Today was a big day here. Jake was home. We got a lot of stuff done and took a big step. The baby didn't sleep much at all last night so I was dead tired. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Especially since I have to go to AAA and do yet another list of long chores. So cross your fingers for me.
A project I've been working on at work finally launched today. Check out the Google Quick Search Box. Trust me when I tell you that this product rocks. Some of the best people I know have been working on it and it's truly awesome.
The photos today aren't so good but honestly I am amazed I took photos at all. I got about an hour of sleep all night last night. Nathaniel decided it was fun to play all night and then struggled from 2-7am when I finally gave up and got up for the day.
I still got done a bunch of chores, not as much as I would have liked but here's to tomorrow being a better day.
Here's Nathaniel attempting to do tummy time. Actually if you see the big photo, you'll see he's not doing tummy time at all. Jusy lying there. Hmmmm....
And here's David making funny faces. He loves making these faces when I grab the camera. As you can also see, we spend a lot of our day in pajamas lately. Need to get into a better routine but there's too much going on right now so I am cutting myself some slack. July 1 is going to be a week of changes here. Mark my words.
Good day today. I spent the day without a lot of expectations and such was relaxed and spent my time reading people's old blog entries (loving discovering new things this way and getting to see a person's blogging growth). Still managed to do a few more chores and pack a few boxes. Making progress. Very slowly but still...
There are some people who come into your life during important stages in your life. People whom you will always remember even though they may not remember your name a year from now. For example, I remember the name of each person who interviewed me for my job at Google (and there were many of them.) I have, over the three years, run across many of them and they don't remember me, yet I know I will never forget them.
Same goes for the person who did my college interview or the person who sold me my first car, etc. The person who told me about Carnegie Mellon some twenty years ago. I bet he has no idea that he has completely changed the course of my life. I owe my education, my husband, my career, in part to him and his having mentioned the school to me all those years ago. These one-sided experiences always fascinated me.
Yesterday, I was talking to one such person. A woman who's helping me through another huge life moment. I told her how thankful I am for her help and how I will remember her forever. I said, "I know I am one of many for you because this is what you do, but you are and will always be special to me." She was touched and thanked me.
I wonder if people realize and appreciate the effect they might have on others. The tiny comment that might turn someone's life around. Something you do as part of your job might actually leave a lasting spot in someone else's journey. Isn't that magical?
I think we don't tell enough people how they've changed our lives. Imagine if someone told you about such a thing today. How something that was insignificant/effortless to you (something you likely don't even remember) actually left a permanent mark in their life. Wouldn't it be great to hear that. A bit scary maybe, but really awesome in a way that would put a smile on your face and remind you that your reach in this world is much wider than you imagine.
So take a moment today and thank someone who did that for you. Don't be embarrassed. Don't worry about how they might take it. Don't expect a response. Just do it. Maybe, just maybe, you might make someone's day.
Last night I finally decided to give Nathaniel the milk I'd been saving. If I waited a few more days, it was going to go bad. I'm going to have to pump a whole bunch this weekend as next week is hectic with lots of people in and out of our house so I won't be able to nurse as easily. Here's David giving milk to the baby. He thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Then again, he's just the sweetest boy. Nathaniel, on the other hand, wasn't in the best mood.
I wanted to take a photo of both kids and here's David being his sweet, accomodating self and Nathaniel, not so much.
After a bunch of nursing, a nap, some burping later, he finally was in a good mood.
Not much light in this house. I can't wait to move. On other news, Nathaniel is definitely tracking now, nice to see that progress and he gives big, huge smiles throughout the day. We did a few more errands today (hard as they are with two kids) and packed a few more boxes. Here's something I learned while I packed my minibooks: I need to use more (or stronger) adhesive. All the embellishments were falling off. Ugh.
Nahaniel is totally smiling now and David loves it. He spend a good bit of the morning talking to him and imitating him (hence his open mouth) and singing to him. He's just the bestest. And I snapped this shot. I know it's blurry but I love the face Nathaniel is making so I'm keeping it.
Lots of good work done this morning. A few more days and the chaos will be done I think. At least one chaos. Then the other one will begin. But still....Well little boy just fell asleep and I think that's my cue to go to bed. Even though it's only 7:43pm. G'nite.
here's my text:
Four years ago, when my son was born I had a falling out with a good friend. We haven't spoken since. Over the years I've often wondered if it was worth it. The fight we had. Whether it was worth losing the friendship. I am not sure. Sometimes I think maybe it wasn't...
This digital page uses the beautiful papers and elements from Kerry Lynn Yeary of Kenner Road.
Here's my handsome boy. David went to his friend Halina's birthday today and Jake sent me videos from there as it was happenning and it was so fun. I love technology so much. And here he is playing with Nathaniel.
I love all my boys so so much!
I had a wonderful 90 minutes today as I visited my friend Cole's new house. Delicious food, wonderful company, and great conversation. Thank you, Cole!
Tomorrow starts our big week. Please cross your fingers for us.
I know, I know. It's dark in my house, photos come out blurry. I am working on it. But look at those hands! Quiet, happy day here. Nathaniel napped like on schedule every two hours. Yes!
We have no food left at home and all of his toys are packed so David's been watching movies and eating crackers. Yes, I know I am a terrible mom.
These look like ordinary keys to you but they are not! They are the keys to our new home. Our first home. We are excited beyond belief. Thank you Mom and Dad!!
Here's the handsome boy with his one toy that's not packed.
Nathaniel isn't really sleeping at night. It's making me a bit crazy but I know it will be over soon so I am just trying to hang in there.
This is going to be a long long week for us so cross your fingers. See you when I have internet again.
Ok, catch up time. We had no internet for DAYS! so I am going to post all the photos first and then I'll write up some words. Apologies ahead of time for the flood of posts.
I am a firm believer that women are the better and stronger gender. Maybe because I've been lucky enough never to suffer any kind of discrimination as a woman so I only see the advantages. The ability to carry babies. The ability to multitask and to love unconditionally. To care. To feel. To cry. To communicate. To be soft and tender when needed and tough when needed. To be gentle. To be intelligent and emotional at the same time. To get things done.
I am not sure why but I've always felt that women are, in general, more capable and more intelligent then men. I hold women in the highest regard and feel like I'm honored and delighted to be one. Wouldn't have it any other way.
Note: This digital layout uses: kenner road swallow field, VINTAGE FLORALS by Shabby Princess, foto blend by Anna Aspnes, Katie Pertiet color challenge 4/25, meredith fenwick – all u need.
David has never ever been in water. Ever. Not one time since he was born. For the first four years, his pediatrician recommended otherwise so we never took swimming classes. But this summer, I wanted to register him for classes and see how he does in the water. I was a bit nervous but never said anything to him. Well, it turns out he was a superstar! From the first moment, he jumped, he put his head under water, he made bubbles. It was like he's always been in water. I can tell this will be a fun class!
Jake's parents have been in town and before they left, I wanted to make sure to capture some photos of them and Nathaniel. In this photo aboce he definitely looks just like me.
My friend Nicholas and Ty came over today and David immediately took Ty hostage and Ty was generous enough to play with him and read to him. He's the best. So is Nicholas who helped me!
Nathaniel had his 2-month appointment today which meant shots which meant a fever of 101. Poor boy.
He looks smiley but he's been fussy almost all day and went on a full-out wailing spree when we were in Safeway today. Despite that, I got to run some errands and unpacked 12 more boxes. The end is still not in sight but I am feeling more hopeful. No art today. Maybe tomorrow...
And here's one of David. He's been wearing the Buzz Lightyear costume daily lately. I didn't think he was into dressing up but obviously I was wrong. He's so cute in it.
Rabbit Rabbit. Happy July Everyone. I need to work on figuring out how to take good photos in this house. I haven't sorted it out yet. No energy. I did open all the book boxes today and I'm doing something fun with the books and I will post ab out it as soon as I am done. Nathaniel is really whining right now so I guess this will be it for today. Oh and I did make some art! yey for art!
my words: Even in my wildest dreams and biggest hopes, I could never have predicted such an amazing life. Such incredible children. Such a loving husband. So much success. So much luck. I am so so so thankful and so blessed.
This week we also have the honor of being featured by scrapstreet.com magazine. Make sure to check it out and big thanks to Stacey.
Look at that boy. I keep thinking his eyes are turning brown but then I see the photos and they still look blue to me...Today was a great day. I got a ton done and I feel great about it. Our house is finally starting to look like a house and not a box collection. The garage still sucks but one day at a time. Here's another Nathaniel, sucking on his hand.
And here's David in his full Buzz Lightyear costume.
And it's been a while since I had a tulip. :)
I also ordered our first CSA basket today. We're scheduled to receive Broccoli, zucchini, squash medley, green beans, Valencia oranges, pluots, strawberries, and nectarines. Let's see how yummy they are.
Trying to catch up. This week's question was: "Which direction am I going?"
I am choosing to go in the direction of joy. I want to be happy and I am working on feeling more peaceful and helping myself bloom and be more joyful. I think happiness is intentional and can be self-taught.
I used dabbers paint and masking to do the butterfly and then just another simple stamp and Thickers and I am done.
I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a new technique each week. You can see the full list: here.
Last time I taught Telling Stories Deeply, many of the students wanted me to teach it again. I was 9-months pregnant with Nathaniel. I had no idea if BPS would allow me to teach it again and when I would be able to. I am delighted to tell you that they have offered to rerun it and you can register here.
The number one feedback was that we make the class longer so I asked them to insert two break weeks in between so you'd have more time to digest the information, ask questions, etc. Fair warning, the material is exactly the same, including the audio, journaling spots, etc. So please don't get mad if you register again and realize that it's the same class. It's the SAME CLASS.
I am hoping to put together a long list of resources and some more inspirational stuff this time around, depending on how much free time Nathaniel gives me. If you have any questions about the class, feel free to ask away.
Great day! Well, started sort of rough as I didn't get much sleep last night. Nathaniel just had too much gas the poor boy, so he cried and cired. (Since he's napping right now at 9pm, I am guessing tonight won't be a breeze either.) But then I did so much! I went shopping for some groceries for recipes and made the delicious Granola Bars in the photo above. Before that I made a delicious Sole fish and ate it for lunch. My first time cooking in 14 years!
I know the photo isn't so great but it tasted delicious, I swear. I have Kelli Crowe to thank cause she linked to the Barefoot Contessa book that I ended up buying and it's where these recipes come from. Yum! There shall be more cooking next week.
And here's the little boy. He had an ok day. A little rough on the naps but nothing else terrible. He's a superstar. Oh, and when I came home from the store, I saw the A Millon Memories box on my doorstep and it was all I needed to get my jump on Nathaniel's baby book. I sat and did three layouts. I am doing something different (than David's) with Nathaniel's book and as soon as my photos are here from Shuttefly and I put some of it together, I will share.
I am the biggest fan of Tour de France. Well, let me rephrase. I am the biggest fan of Tour de France when Lance is in it. When we lived in San Diego, watched every minute of the Tour and loved it. But, somehow, once Lance stopped, I stopped too. It wasn't interesting to me anymore. So imagine my joy when he decided to come back! I am now back to watching every minute of it. I wonder if I am one of the only people who watches this obsessively, yet, cannot ride a bike.
This is David's "I'm not friends with you anymore" face. Which he makes whenever he doesn't get his way. So, quite often.
When Jake and David discovered that Return of the Jedi was on TV, everything else stopped. All three boys were watching TV and hanging out.
Nathaniel spent some quality time with his Daddy today. Sitting by his side.
and walking around.
Nathaniel has recently discovered his fist and he's been sucking on it feverishly. The slurpy noises are hilarious.
My text: We just bought our very first home ever. I have wanted a home of my own for as long as I can remember and I love every corner of this little house. It's my favorite place because it's where all the people I love live. It's ours. It's going to be filled with our wonderful memories. I can't ask for anything more.
This question was: "How can i be kinder to myself...?"
I need to love myelf more. Be kinder to myself and allow myself to make mistakes without judging myself so much.
I covered the background in red ink, stamped the little hearts with embossing stamp, embossed with clear powder, stamped the tree, cut it out, tied a small baker's twine, and a little bling (of course), a few letters and I was done. It's hard to see the little hearts but in person it looks neat.
I am combining Emily Falconbridge's art journal questions with trying a new technique each week. You can see the full list: here.
Here's a sneak of a project I worked on yesterday, all day. It turned out quite cute, if I say so myself. I didn't think I could do it, I am not so good at doing home projects but this one was fun to do.
We started the morning quietly. Nathaniel played on his chair.
And David finished the Star Wars movie he'd started yesterday.
And then both boys took naps while I did some art.
Look at that finger...
When he woke up and nursed, he was all smiley and happy.
It's for Nathaniel's baby book. Week 4. It says: And finally here we are, a family of four. Thank you for completing us. We love you. Palo Alto, CA. May 25, 2009.
Since yesterday was about Nathaniel's project, today's for David's room. I bought these planets last Christmas and they finally made it to the new house. We plan to hang them this week and that makes us done for everything we've alredy done.
We started today on a really bad note since nathaniel really struggled last night and neither of us slept much. David was kind enough to play in his room as I took a nap while Nathaniel slept this morning. But somehow I threw out my back in the process and it's hurting like crazy. Tomorrow is a really long day for me so I am hoping that it will be better by then (even though it's likely that it won't be.)
I also started Nathaniel's book today finally and I think I really like the system I came up with. Let's see how it looks when it comes together.
As we move into our new home, I had some projects I wanted to try out. This is me documenting some of them.
The first one is creating a new scrap space.
When I unpacked all my scrapbooking stuff, here's how the living room looked:
And then little by little, I put stuff away, so my table ended up like this:
isn't that much nicer? and here's everything else:
All those black buckets store a LOT of stuff. And here's a peek inside the drawers:
Tim Holtz stuff.
More Tim Holtz stuff.
Paint. All of the drawers are organized by categories that make sense to me. I've been using them for ten days now and so far the system is working great.
And here is the wall I look at when I work. A wreath from Pottery Barn, a sign I bought from a yard sale, and a beautiful painting by Kelly Rae Roberts. The other wall has a beautiful bird drawing from this etsy shop (which you can see in the "after" photo.)
So far, I'm loving this space to bits. Very functional and very tidy.
This is inspired by a wonderful etsy shop item. Ever since I saw this, I wanted to make one for Nathaniel's room. Mine is far inferior to hers but it's handmade by me. And I love going in Nathaniel's room and seeing it every day.
I wanted to put shelves in both kids' rooms so I could put fun things on them. I have yet to buy more but I already like the way they turned out.
Nathaniel's shelves have a print by Kal Barteski, a drawing by gingerwinks, a few stuffed animals, David's first pair of shoes, and a lot of books.
David's shelves have two photos of him that I love, the letter D, a favorite book, some more stuffed animals, and a small pring by Kal. There's more coming here, but I already love it.
and here's a sneak into Nathaniel's closet. His clothes are color-coded where orange and pink are 0-3 months and green and blue are 3-6 months. I know it's a bit obsessive but it makes it easier for me to find stuff. Also the boxes on top are sorted by year for one, two, three and newborn (stuff he's already grown out of).
This is inspired by this post by Andrea Scher who reminded me about the amazing book art. Somewhere she said she wished she had books she could arrange this way. This made me realize that I probably had enough books to try this out..
Here's how it turned out:
To be fair, I didn't take the time to do all th shade-sorting he did but I think it still looks quite awesome. I did a few adjustments. All the extra-large and extra-small books went on the bottom two shelves. Each shelf is double-stacked. I got to have 3 whites, 1 yellow, 1 orange, 2 pink/reds, 2 greens, 2 blues, 1 brown, 1 purple and grey, and 3 blacks. I must admit, I love looking at it.
My little boy must be teething because he's drooling like a faucet and has this unquenchable need to suck and bite stuff. The other night he sucked on my chin so hard that he gave me my very first hickey. We had a breakfast date with a friend of Jake's the next morning and I was very embarrased to wake up to a big black and blue bruise. I wasn't sure how to explain it. Who knew I'd get my first hickey from my son?
First up, is Kissing in Manhattan by David Schickler. I have never been a big fan of
short story collections so I am not even sure why I picked this out
to be my first book of the year. Maybe it's because the MeFi reader
said it was the book that got her out of her 2005 book-slump.
Whatever prompted me, I am really glad I decided to read it. Kissing
in Manhattan is fantastic. It's not the kind of book I would have
picked up in a million years. Each of the short stories is about a
different tenant who lives in a fictional building in Manhattan. The
stories, while different, sort of weave through each other in that
the same characters pop up in different stories and you sort of find
out some more about them through another tenant's story. It's very
well-written, sort of weird stories but good imagery, great character
development and very visual. I thought about the characters and the
stories well after I'd finished the book, which, for me, is a sign of
a great read. What a wonderful way to start the year.
The second book I read this year is Amy and Isabelle by Elizabeth Strout,
another AskMe recommendation. A quiet, beautiful story about a single
mother and her teenage daughter who has a relationship with her
teacher. It proves my disturbing thoughts about how little parents
actually know about their own children and where they are and what
they're doing at any moment in time. Disturbing at times, frustrating
at others, this novel rang relatively true to me. I enjoyed the
writing style even though I thought the book was a little slow but
still enjoyed reading it. I really am not looking forward to David's
teenage years. And while I am sort of glad not to have a girl for
that reason, I know boys can be their own bag full of troubles and
worries.
Another AskMe recommendation was Kokoro by Natsume Soseki. As far as I
can remember, I've never read Japanese fiction so this was my first.
And what an inspiring beginning. I loved this book pretty much from
the very first page. My preference is usually character-based books
and Kokoro was nothing but. I loved the simplicity of the language,
could relate to the main character almost immediately. Cared about
him, about his story, about his feelings towards his mentor. I
enjoyed how non-contrived the story felt to me. Even though I was
wondering what made the sensei who he was, it wasn't crucial to me.
It wasn't like a mystery, it was like an unraveling of a personality.
I swallowed the book in a day and thought about it for quite some
time afterwards.
The
Solace of Leaving Early by Haven Kimmel was recommended to me by
my good friend Michelle. Probably one of the most beautiful books
I've read in my life. It's a story about a woman who drops out of her
doctoral program and goes back to her hometown and a minister in the
same hometown, both of whom are dealing with their own personal
problems and who are put in a situation where they have to take care
of two little orphaned girls.
The
Cloud Atlas by Liam Callanan was a mistake. The AskMe
recommendation was Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell but I didn't make
the distinction in the title until long after I'd started reading the
novel. Since I was already over 100 pages into the novel and enjoying
it, I decided to keep reading despite the confusion. The Cloud Atlas
is about a bomb diffuser in the army during second world war who is
sent to Alaska to dismantle the bombs the Japanese sent to the United
States inside air balloons. These balloons, of which there were over
nine thousand, fell all over Alaska and West Coast of Northern United
States. The balloons were rigged with explosives and are one of the
best kept secrets of the war. A completely fictional story based on a
true-world event.
Well the
little boy is getting more mischievous by the hour. He now likes to
open drawers that he cannot even see into. He pulls the handle,
reaches into the drawer and just picks an item at random. Whatever
comes his way. He then dutifully brings it to me to show his new
finding.
I first read Philip Roth last year when I
read The Human Stain and enjoyed it very much. I liked the writing. I
liked the story. I liked the pace. Since then, I made two separate
attempts to read him, both of which failed. Both of the other books I
tried were too "dirty-old-man" for me. When The
Plot Against America came out, I knew I wanted to read it.
Especially since it was political and there were many reviews that
equated it to the current administration. I asked for the book and
received it as a Christmas gift in 2004. It sat on my shelf for a
year and I knew I would never pick it up unless I forced myself so I
asked my reading group if they were interested in reading it.
Everyone agreed so we picked it and I finally got around to reading it.
My second short story collection of the
year was another AskMe recommendation. You
Are Not A Stranger Here by Adam Haslett is a fantastic, fantastic
collection of magnificently well-written stories. This author is a
fantastic, published writer and a law student at Yale. A major
loser :). Each story involves some aspect of sorrow, depression,
sadness, disappointment, family, friendship. The stories are simple
and elegant. The characters are very relatable and memorable, even in
the short space of a little story. I got attached to each and every
one of them.
After the mistake with The
Cloud Atlas, I put the correct book on hold at the library and picked
it up last week. Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell came
highly recommended by several members of AskMe. I made an effort to
spend my week with it and so read large chunks of it at a time. The
book has six stories. The first halves of five stories are told in
the first part, then the sixth story, and then each story is finished
going in the reverse order. The first story takes place on a ship
around 1850s and it's the journal of a notary traveling in the
Pacific. This was the hardest story for me to get through. I had a
hard time with the language and the character. It got a bit better
towards the end of the first half but I knew the book would get
better so I kept going.
A
Personal Matter by Kenzaburo Oe is one of two Japanese books I
checked out after I read Kokoro. This story is about a man named Bird
who is the father to a newborn baby who has a major birth defect. The
story is about the father's reaction and dealing (or not dealing)
with the issue. To be honest, about thirty pages into the story, I
hated the main character and wanted to put the book down immediately.
It depressed me so much that I didn't even want to pick up another book.
Recommended as one of two
self-help books that gives practical, usable advice, I picked up How to be an Adult from the library.
It was an extremely quick and very useful read. So much so that I
will write excerpts from it for the next few weeks probably. Many of
the ideas were reinforcements of prior courses I took of beliefs I
already had. These are the sort of ideas that need constant reminders
so that I get used to thinking that way. His writings on
relationships were also very practical, very sensible and very much
along the lines of what I hope to accomplish. This little book made
me think a lot and I will be referring back to it in the next few
weeks over and over again.
I can't decide how I feel
about Yukio Mishima's Temple
of the Golden Pavillion. Similar to the other two Japanese novels
I read in the last few weeks, it's mostly about the main character's
inner life. His thoughts, his ideas. The main character is a young
adult and is quite resentful of life. It's a slow-paced novel full of
wisdom and thought-provoking writing. Here are a few sections that
spoke to me:
When I was telling my friend
Michelle that most of the books I read last year sucked, she
recommended The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson
McCullers. For some reason, I let the book sit for weeks before I
picked it up. I would look at the cover and keep putting off reading
it. I thought it was going to be really depressing and I wasn't in
the mood. Once I did pick it up, I couldn't put it down. I loved
every minute of it. I loved the characters, I loved how intricately
their lives were intertwined yet so very isolated. I loved how they
all felt close to Singer and yet they knew nothing about him. It was
a really enjoyable read and I am glad I finally did actually pick it
up. Both this one and The Solace of Leaving early were Michelle's
recommendations. Now I'm going to have to beg for more.
I have met many book-lovers
over the years. Several of them, upon learning of my passion about
books, have recommended that I read Lolita.
I knew the premise of the book and refused to read it out of
principle. "But it's literature, it's Nabokov." I heard so many
arguments, but I still refused to read it. 
After finishing the
dreadful Lolita, I had to cleanse myself with a different book
immediately. Two of the women in my reading club had just finished Snow Flower and the Secret Fan and
they both loved it. I borrowed it from my friend Nicole and started
reading it Sunday morning. My day was relatively full. I had a shoot
at 7:15am and had to process all the photos, feed David's meals,
nurse him for his naps, play with him, work on the site and respond to the tons of emails
sitting in my inbox. I started the novel and ended up doing nothing
but reading. By, 10:30pm, I had finished the novel (and done all the
necessary tasks of the day including processing my photos.)
Elizabeth Gilbert's
fantastic memoir was exactly what I needed to read. Eat,
Pray, Love : One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India
and Indonesia is a very quick read, but don't let it's humorous
tone fool you. It's a book that makes you look into your own soul and
think about the life you're living. At least, it did for me. I loved
her writing. It never got in the way of the story. I loved the way
she told her very sad story with great humor so that you never felt
sorry for her. I felt like the author was instantly likable. I loved
all three sections and all the characters in the book. I've never had
an interest in traveling to India or Indonesia (I wasn't against the
idea just never felt compelled to go) but now I would love to. I am
hoping to go back to practicing yoga and I truly think that sitting
quietly and smiling for an hour each day may change my life for the
better. Looking deep into myself is something I should do regularly.
But now I am just blabbing.
Jeannette Walls' The Glass Castle is our bookclub's pick for May. I had already finished out April
selection (Lolita) so I figured I might as well get started on it.
The book took me three days to read. It's the memoir of Jeannette's
unbelievable childhood. Parts of it made me want to cry, parts of it
made me cringe. I was amazed at how intelligent both her parents
seemed and yet how little they cared about the welfare and health of
their children. The obviously did love their kids but it's amazing
that children can be brought up this way in the US and nothing is
done about it. It's a well-written memoir and will make you thankful
for your childhood and family.
When I asked AskMe what books to read this
year, Kafka on the Shore was the most widely
recommended book. I figured one way I could guarantee that I would
read it was to pick it for our book club. I rallied the other women
around the idea and we picked it as our June book. So, of course, as
soon as I was done with Glass Castle, I picked it up. For some
reason, I was worried I wasn't going to like it. I thought it would
be dense and hard to read. I thought it might tire me out. It came at
a time when other not-so-great things happened to me so I sort of
didn't want to read it, if it was going to be hard.
There are a few writers whose
books I anxiously await. As soon as they hit the shelf, I buy and
devour them instantly. Anne Tyler is one of those. Digging to
America is about two families who each adopt babies from Korea.
One family is "typical" American and the other is an immigrant family
from Iran. The parents of the adopted child are American (or
Americanized at least) whereas the grandmother, who is one of the
integral characters, is the one who came to the US from Iran. The
novel explores many of the complicated issues around what it means to
be American.
When I first heard about this book, I
thought it was yet another in the line of chick-lit like the Devil
Wears Prada or the Shopaholic series. There's nothing wrong with
those books but I haven't been able to enjoy them, so I steered clear
of Prep. The book kept coming back into my life. I
read about it everywhere and it was recommended by AskMe. After a few
months, when I ran into it at Costco, I figured maybe it was time to
buy it and read it.
Since Google has a reputation
for having harrowing interviews, I thought it best to prepare as much
as possible. Even though I wasn't sure if The Search would be
helpful, I figured it couldn't hurt. It turned out to be a
fascinating read and gave me a lot to think about and a lot to talk
about. If you don't know a lot about the history of search and if it
does interest you, I would highly recommend this read. Despite the
cover design, the book is not solely about Google and explores the
full history of search engines.
I also read The Google Story,
again, hoping that it might give me some insight or clever
conversation pieces. I'll be fully honest that I haven't finished
this one. Partly because I only had ten days between the phone
interview and the on-site one and I read non-fiction much more
slowly. This is much more specific to Google and it's more personal
and less about search. It's more about the people behind the story
and about how the company got started. At least so far. More
interesting if you're into the company story. Also, well-written.
Since reading Kafka on the Shore, I couldn't stop
thinking about the book, so recently I went and bought another one by
Murakami. I picked The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle: A Novel
because it's the novel that made Murakami famous in the US. This book
is considerably longer and thicker than Kafka and more convoluted. It
resolves a bit more but not a huge lot. There were bits that were
common to both novels but that didn't bother me. I feel like maybe if
I read more of his work, I might get closer to solving the puzzle of
his stories. I now have to go buy all of his books. Easy to read,
difficult to understand.
My sister gave me a Turkish translation of The Ultimate Gift when I was
visiting her. Normally, I don't read these books anymore. Mostly
because I read tons of them at some point in my life and I feel like I
want to take a break from all the advice-giving text. But since she gave
it to me and jet lag was preventing me from reading anything that
requires a lot of attention, I gave it a try. I struggled a lot with the
Turkish translation since it was so obvious that the translator didn't
make any effort to make it sound more Turkish. Some of the phrases were
direct translations and didn't make much sense in Turkish.
After having read 100 Years of Solitude in one
day, I was looking forward to reading Love in the Time of Cholera. A good
friend of mine had said that, of the two, this was her favorite and I
enjoyed 100 Years so much that I couldn't imagine how much better it
could get. Maybe that's why, it took me a few years to get the book and
finally start reading it.
I actually read The Arithmetic
of Life before Hardboiled Wonderland but forgot to put it up. Found
this book on the recommendation of the O'Reilly
radar. Within a day, the book went from being around 300,000th on
Amazon's rank to 3,000th. None of the bookstores around Palo Alto
carried it, so I used this occasion to enroll into the Palo Alto library
system and got the book within minutes and read it in hours. I found the
articles interesting and thought-provoking - albeit a bit repetitive.
The writer *really* hates the Congress and makes sure we know it often.
Overall, this book is a great read for those who say math isn't useful
in their daily lives. The articles are short, easy to read, easy to
relate to and even entertaining.
So there are a few drafts I had left in my inbox before I started working at Google. I am going to try to post those (all have to do with books) first. I found out about Not Fade Away in someone's blog and decided to pick it up. I read the whole book in one day and enjoyed it very much. Here are a few quotes that really spoke to me:
Another pre-work book I read was Now Discover Your Strengths. Recommended by many and an interesting read. Especially in this way:
Here are a few more I've read since I last posted: 
And, of course, The Long Tail. Interesting and thought-provoking read and worthwhile for anyone who doesn't understand the difference between online and offline retail and the potential in both. There are many, many people in the world and their tastes and interests vary drastically.
I've also read a bunch lately. I wanted to start with something easy so
I grabbed
Good
Grief which has been sitting on my shelf for several months. It was
as chick-litty as it looks but at least not superficial like some of the
other stuff out there so it was a good combination of easy reading but
not too unlikeable. 
Then I moved on to The
Lovely Bones which I have purposely been putting off for years. I
hadn't been prepared for the raw horror of it. And I knew it was a great
book but didn't think I wanted to read it. So I finally did and it was
horrible. The book was very well written and I read it in one gulp.
However the story itself was as bone-chilling as I worried it would be
and I got as affected as I thought I would be. So much so that I had to
watch some really silly TV before I'd sleep at night so as to not go to
bed with the book in my mind. I know Alice Sebold has another great book
but until she stops writing about rape, I am not reading another one of
her stories.
Then I moved to my very trusted source of AskMe and as usual, they
didn't let me down. I started with the recommendation of Christoper
Moore and the Palo Alto library had
A
Dirty Job
available immediately so I started with that. And I loved it. I
swallowed the whole book in a day! I loved the subject matter. I loved
his writing style. It was hilarious and I generally am not known for my
sense of humor! I have since checked out another Moore book and let's
see if he's consistent.
I can't even remember where I read about Paradox of Choice. All in all, it wasn't the most interesting book I read. I
flipped through a lot of the pages but did read many passages with a
lot of interesting thoughts. There are a lot of passages from this one
and honestly each deserve their own posts, but I figure let's document
this first, I can always come back to them.
I am a huge fan of Paulo Coelho. I have read most of his novels and
found every one of them to be thought provoking and un-putdownable. And
The
Devil and Miss Prym was no exception. I read the entire novel in a
day and loved every moment of it. This one is an interesting study of
human morality. Or lack thereof. Books with this topic always make me
think of Lord of the Flies which I think is the ultimate story of human
nature.
We
Are All Welcome Here is Elizabeth Berg's newest novel. (There's a
newer one coming out in May.) I am a huge fan of hers and was thrilled
to find this book at the library. To be honest, it wasn't a favorite of
mine. While I thought the story was beautiful and touching, it wasn't as
strong as many of her others. Berg has a distinct skill of writing about
women and not making it cheesy or fluffy.
I didn't feel
sympathetic towards either of the sisters and felt like some of the
major plot points were either implausible or unnecessarily dramatic. I had a pretty hard time getting into the story and I kept waiting for it to get more interesting and for something to happen. And when it finally did, I compeltely didn't believe it. It felt like a cop-out. However, when I got to the end of the book, the last two lines spoke to the core of the story and made me remember why I love her so much.
When I read A Dirty Job back in January (or was it December?), I loved it so much that I wanted to read more Christopher Moore right away. So I checked out another book by him (The Stupidest Angel) and was really frustrated by how much I didn't like it. A few months ago, I wanted to give it another try, so I checked out Coyote Blue. The book was funny and overall I enjoyed it. However, in the end, it lacked the un-put-downable-ness of A Dirty Job. I want to read more by him cause I do like his unique sense of humor, but I am not sure which of his books to pick up next...
Next to my family, my favorite way to spend time is to read. With the
exception of horror and fantasy, I read and enjoy almost every kind of
book. But every now and then there's that one book that comes along and
stops my whole life. When I find one of those, nothing else much
matters. I completely fall into the story. I take the book with me to
the bathroom. I take it in the car. I read it while I am waiting for the
microwave. I read it as I walk from room to room. I don't put it down
for a second. I am so engulfed in these characters' lives that I don't
want to miss a moment of it.
I've recently bought eleven scrapbooking books. I am a big book person
and it only made sense that I would buy books when I decided to
seriously get into this hobby.
I've been trying hard to read a book a week again. Some weeks I do well,
and others, not as well. But reading is really important to me. It's my
way of recharging, escaping, learning and growing. So I am working to
feed this need. I wanted to make sure to track all the books I've read.
So here's a post about my last few books that I haven't posted about.
Once I discovered Picault, you knew I was going to read so very much
more of her, and of course, I did. I first read Vanishing
Acts and wasn't nearly as impressed as I'd been with My Sister's
Keeper. I wondered if that book was an anomaly, an exceptional book, a
formula that can't be repeated. I wasn't sure but I so badly didn't want
it to be true. This is not to say I didn't like Vanishing Acts. It was
so-so. If I hadn't already read the other one, I probably would have
loved it. But I'd seen what she was capable of and I wanted more. So
much more.
So then I picked up Ninteeen Minutes which was fabulous. Made me feel good about Jodi
Picoult again. The story was gripping and even though I knew there would
be a twist at the end, I was still surprised and loved every moment of
reading this story. Kudos to any writer who can take a really difficult
issue like school shootings and making an amazing story out of it so
it's about how hard it is to be yourself. How much we need to fit in.
How much it can hurt to be teased and mercilessly made fun of. People
who haven't had the abuse on that level can never understand how
life-changing and soul-changing it can be. This book illustrates it
wonderfully from many points of view. All interesting. Still not as good
as My Sister's Keeper but quite a fantastic book.
I can't even remember where I read about Welcome
to Oz but I am glad I did. The techniques shown by the author look
easy here but they are not. I loved all the details about the light and
the black and white techniques. Shows me that I have a long, long way to
go before I can call myself a Photoshop connoisseur. I love his effects.
I love his patience. I love his work. The drama, the story, the color.
It's all quite wonderful. This is one book, I've checked out multiple
times just to make sure I can master his skills.
The Palo Alto library has a special section reserved for new books and
when I go in to checkout a hold, I always try to visit this section,
just to see. That's how I discovered The
Lavender Hour and while I wouldn't call it literature, it was a
wonderful read. I loved the writing, the story, and the characters.
Controversial topic, maybe, but mostly just a love story. If you need an
easy, little book, this one isn't the worst choice.
Some
Nerve was another pick from the library's new books section. It's
nothing special. Easy, quick read about a gossip magazine writer who
tries to write about an actor, can't and gets fired. Returns back to her
hometown, only to find that the same author is checked into the hospital
where she volunteers. Isn't that a lovely coincidence? Life's full of
them. But books have even more. Not the worst book I've ever read but
also not the best. A sweet, little book.
The
Life You Longed For was creepy, scary and a blazing fast read. The
worst possible subject ever: a mother hurting her kid, taken to an even
more terrible level: not actually hurting the kid but accused of doing
so. This is a perfect example of how good intentions can go bad and ruin
lives and be the wrong thing to do. It sad, scary and very engrossing.
I read Still
Life with Husband really quickly, which would normally imply that I
loved it. Fact is, when I finished, I didn't know how I felt about it.
It took me a couple of days to really hate the book. Now, I am pretty
certain, I absolutely abhorred it. Terrible story. No plot worth
mentioning. Unrealistic, stupid ending. No empathy or even sympathy
towards the characters. Just could not enjoy this book.
Dark
Oval was another really fast read. About loss and sadness. The idea
of losing Jake is so tremendously scary to me that I wanted to be
finished with this book quickly just so I didn't have to think about the
possibility of his death. Life can be depressing, ironic and so very
frustrated. I thought this book was realistic. Depressing but realistic
and a wonderful read.
Considering the fact that The Kite Runner was my favorite book of 2005,
it was predictable that I would buy his second book the second it came
out. A
Thousand Splendid Suns is a wonderful, wonderful story. While it can
never be as good as Kite Runner, this one has its own special place
since it's about women and not men. It's about the friendship of two
otherwise very different women. It's touching, thought-provoking,
depressing, heart-wrenching. It's amazing how much he can educate his
readers about Afghanistan without any preaching or anything boring. I'm
from the area, I normally dont' enjoy reading stories about the Middle
East. But he is an exception. I love his books. I devour them. I can't
wait until the next one.
Recently, I went on a book binge and bought a ton of scrapbooking books.
I've already written about Cathy's
book which has to be my all-time favorite. But here are a few
others I have read and loved. First and foremost are the two Ali Edwards
books: A
Designer's Eye for Scrapbooking and
Designer's Eye- scrapbooking with patterned paper
If Cathy isn't your style, and you're looking for the one and only one
book to buy, it would have to be Stacy Julian's The
Big Picture... Scrapbook Your Life and a Whole Lot More. Stacy is
fantastic. She's inspiring. She's funny. She's creative. She's great at
simplifying. She's great at organizing. She's great for giving you
fantastic ideas. But mostly, she's great at shifting the way you think
about scrapbooking. If you're struggling with your scrapbooking, pick up
her book. It will change your life. At least your scrapbooking. That's a
promise.
Here's another one I've loved to bits: 101
Things You Can Do With Your Scrapbook Supplies was mostly an impulse
buy since on all the boards I read, everyone said it was fantastic. And
they weren't lying. The book is great. Full of great, little ideas. I
dogeared a lot of the pages to make sure I'd remember to try them out.
There are some gems in this book, so if you're looking for some
practical, useful ideas and not just looking for general, overall
inspiration, this is a great find.
I also own two Autumn Leaves books: Perfectly
Clear and The
Look Book. While I am a fan of all things Rhonna Farrer, I just
never got into these books. I liked the stamping one because it had some
interesting ideas and since I own too many stamps, it's always good to
have a set of ideas to try. But these books just didn't speak to me. Not
in the way that the others inspired me.
Paulo Coelho never ceases to amaze me. While his latest, The
Witch of Portobello, is a bit weirder than usual in my opinion, it's
no less thought provoking than his usual. Here are a few excerpts that
spoke to me.
I have been a big Elizabeth Berg fan for quite some time. During my
pregnancy, I went through a period during which I read all of her adult
novels. I've also spent a good four years writing novels of my own, so
it should come as no surprise that I picked up and devoured Escaping
into the Open, the Art of True Writing.
I absolutely adore, adore, adore Anne Lamott. So it's no surprise that when she came out with a new book, I grabbed Grace Eventually: Thoughts on Faith immediately.
I have to admit that this wasn't one of my very favorites of her, but I still loved it. I swallowed it up and felt an inner peace that only she manages to instill in me. I am definitely not a religious person but I still loved her book. Maybe cause I do have faith. Or maybe cause Anne's a fantastic writer.
I have read Mitchard before but I must say, Twelve
Times Blessed was one of the worst written books I've ever read. The
character is not believable. She is annoying and the whole story is
flawed in so many ways that I don't even know where to begin. To be
fair, I did get strongly affected by the story
and felt deep love for my husband who I swore to appreciate more. I
spose one cannot ask for much more from a book. 
Having said all of that, I also read A
Theory of Relativity and I absolutely loved it. Much more realistic,
more interesting. The characters were easier to relate to. The story was
still a bit more melodramatic than I would have liked it to be, which is
annoying cause it didn't need that extra drama. It was a beautiful
enough story as is.
I must say I was pleasantly surprised by how much I liked Dot Dead.
I brought it with me along a plane ride and finished that same night. I couldn't put it down. It wasn't the best-written book I read but it was certainly enjoyable and sort of surprising at parts. A great book to read on the plane.
It's a shame I missed him when he visited Google.
I have been a huge Murakami fan since I found out about him.
Last year, I went through a phase where I read a bunch of his books back to back. So it should come as no surprise that I wanted to read
After Hours
as soon as it came out. While the book was good and a little weird, it didn't measure up to typical Murakami at all. He is normally so incredibly fantastical and his
stories are so involved, so amazing, so mind-blowing that you cannot put the book down. This was an easy read but it wasn't nearly as amazing as most of the other books by him. Yet, I cannot wait for the next one.
I had never read a novel by Jane Green before I
picked up Bookends
I picked it up because one of the staff members at Kepler's recommended it and I dream of starting a book store and so reading a book about that seemed a lot of fun. While
she is a really quick read, I wouldn't qualify her as pure chicklit. She's a bit better than that. Her writing is relatively good. Her characters are 2.5 dimensional. I can
definitely see myself reading more of her, especially when I need a mental downtime.
I've been a fan of Ian McEwan for a few years now and I absolutely loved his previous book, _Saturday_, so when I saw he had a new one, I couldn't
wait to pick it up. On Chesil Beach is a tiny book
and I read the whole thing in an hour. While the last 5 pages were fantastic, I can't say that for the rest of the book. It was bleh. It went on and on and about
something I didn't care too much to read about. I didn't care about the characters enough to care. It was sweet, elegant and a fast read but it was definitely not up to his potential.
I absolutely loved Snowflower and the Secret Fan so I was thrilled when I heard about Peony In Love
I couldn't wait to read more of Lisa See. Yet, it turns out the book is terrible. I mean it was so bad that I put it down 5 times. I told myself that I had to get to page 100 before I made a final decision and then at page 101, I gave up. It was bad and
it got exponentially worse. What a shame it is to see an author, who can obviously do ten times better, write such a mediocre (actually it isn't even mediocre) book.
The first time I heard of
Water For Elephants
was on a beach in Connecticut. We were there for Jake's cousin's wedding and David was running around the beach.
I saw this woman reading the book and got it confused with another one and when I realized my mistake, I asked her
how it was. She said she was liking it, but didn't seem enthusiastic enough for me to want to place it on my library queue.
As opposed to last year's Christmas vacation, I got a lot less reading
(however a lot more scrapping) done this year. The two I managed to read
are Twilight
and Breakdown
Lane. So let's talk about Twilight. I'd read about this one on
multiple blogs and thought that there would be no way I'd like it since
I don't generally read young adult novels and I definitely don't read
anything about vampires. Ever. I really mean ever. Yet I loved this
book. It was a lightweight, easy read. Well enough written that it
didn't bother me the story was a perfect fit for my mood. I'd sort of
hate to admit it, but I did really enjoy reading this book.
I picked up Breakdown Lane because when I
absolutely hated Twelve times Blessed, Kim and Cheryl told me to read
this one instead. And, man, they were right. I absolutely adored this
book. It was depressing as shit. Really, really depressing. And I was so
very sick so it only exacerbated my grief. But it was so much better
written than the other book that it's hard to believe it was the same
writer. The book left me with a lot of thoughts but that's for another day.
Ever since I discovered him two years ago,
I immediately knew that I could never go wrong with Murakami and A
Wild Sheep Chase is no exception. An intriguing, hard to understand
book that leaves you with more questions than answers. I loved it
nonetheless. There's something about Murakami's style that just speaks
to me, I guess.
And then I read The
Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes. This was a Costco find. I always try
to peruse the book aisle at Costco. I take photos of the titles I like
and then check them out at amazon and if they still look good, I check
them out from the library. This was one of those. It took me a while to
get into the story but I did enjoy it quite a bit by the end. I don't
know if I would recommend it as much as say that it wasn't a bad read.
Which brings me to the sequels of Twilight.
I read Twilight back in January and I have no idea why I waited this
long to read the sequels, but I am so glad I finally remembered to check
them out. In the last week, I read 1,200 pages and I wish there were
more. Many more. These books are really wonderful. The characters are
well thought out and far from perfect or typical. The story keeps moving
forward constantly. The dialog is far from flat. One can sympathize with
each character in a different way. The writing is smooth and doesn't get
in the way of the story or the characters.
Reading New
Moon and Eclipse
made me wish I was writing again. It made me wish I could write such
good stories, so well. It must be an amazing feeling to be able to write
books that people love to read. Books that are page turners. I
absolutely love these books. The fact that they are about vampires,
which is something I would never read about and young adult
novels, which I also don't read, is just icing on the cake that shows
good books are just good books regardless of subject or targeted age group.
