Another shot from San Francisco.
I still haven’t decided whether I am doing the Week in the Life or not but I am still taking photos and trying to document a bit more than usual in case I do decide to do it. I took 121 photos today and some 130 yesterday. So far, so good.
I finally completed some long-standing items on my todo list. I have like 45 more but I am feeling more optimistic. Even though I started my day with an art journal page that made me unhappy enough to cover the whole thing. I did work on some more pages later in the day and I am trying to teach myself to let go more. Not try to be perfect. To practice. That’s the goal. Practice.
I know this photo is terrible but the sentiment is so amazing that I had to put it there. I love that David goes and hugs his brother randomly.
The little boy laughs a lot. All day long. He’s just a happy little one.
A lot of people ask me how I can get work done with two kids and no help, but this is a common scene in my house. The big boy sitting at the table, playing. The little one crawling around and playing too (or napping) so I can do it cause I have the world’s best kids.
Late afternoon, David and I practiced writing all the words he’s learned to spell. There’s around 14 or so. He whined a bunch but he did write them all 5 times each. But I am not sure how much he retained. Baby steps, I tell myself.
And here’s one I snapped while he was playing with his Didj.
I am totally hooked on the song “Gives you Hell” the Glee version and can’t stop listening to it. Now that the kids are in bed, I hope to get creative therapy ready and then sneak in a quick art journal page before Glee. Let’s see if I can pull it off.
Note to Self:
After I finished Karen‘s new book, I saw that she was having a retreat right here in a few weeks. I immediately wanted to sign up but then I worried about going alone. Was it a bad idea? Would I feel lonely and crappy? I asked two different people at two different times but neither could go. So I spent ten days mulling it over back and forth. I am not so great at going to places by myself. But I really wanted to do this. So last night I just bought the tickets and decided to take the plunge. I am anxious of course but I am also excited. I certainly could use a full day to meditate and listen to the amazing Karen talk. Here’s to taking a step on my own.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Glee! I am so excited about tonight’s Madonna episode.
2. We woke up to pouring rain today but then the sun came out and it was such a beautiful day that it lifted all my bad moods immediately.
3. I am grateful for the few but important tasks I’ve accomplished today. My scheduling technique is working a bit so far. Not bad.
Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Legos! They have taken over the dining table.
2. He had a wonderful day at school today where each class was a different city and they “flew” from city to city and played games, ate snacks, did crafts. When I picked him and asked about his favorite part of the day, he said “I am grateful for the whole day, mommy.”
I love Nature. I cannot get enough of it.
Today, I was all set to put in place my new schedule but, as always, my day went on an unexpected path. I hadn’t decided if I was going to do A Week in the Life or not (still haven’t) so I figured I’ll take some photos just to have them either way.
I grabbed my camera as Nathaniel was having breakfast and as I snapped one shot, the camera went insane. It flashed “err 99” and then the shutter wouldn’t stop clicking. So I took the battery out and put it back in. One more photo and then the craziness again. After six more attempts the camera simply wouldn’t stop. Even with different lenses or batteries or CF cards. Even with no CF card. A bunch of research on Google explained that my camera’s shutter was kaput and a replacement would be around $300. Since I was planning on upgrading anyway, I decided this was a sign from the universe.
And I bought a Canon 5D Mark II. And since my 10-22 won’t mount on that. I went ahead and bought a 17-40L. And I bought an 85mm 1.8 since the 50 is wider angle now and not as perfect for portraits. Man that 1.8 is sharp! I don’t even need to sharpen my photos anymore.
So I have a lot to learn with this new camera but I love it already and I am giddy with joy. When the battery did fully charge, I went ahead and snapped hundreds of photos for WIL in case I do decide to do it.
Nathaniel is still walk-crawling in his funny way. But at bedtime he was playing with David and did actually take 5 whole steps!
And one of David, of course.
He looks so much like me in this photo. It always amazes me.
David kept trying to get him away from the chair, thinking he would fall down but Nathaniel is getting into everything now. He is unstoppable.
And I also captured one of him lifting the curtains at bedtime. His favorite activity is looking out that window.
I have hundreds more.
We chatted with my aunt Ruthy in England today and also chatted with Mom and Dad while they ate dinner and while my mom was in bed. I love Skype. And David and I did some fun stamping today. I am hoping tomorrow will be more “typical” and I can be more productive. I also hope nothing else breaks.
Note to Self:
I decided recently that I will change some of my vocabulary. More like how I put things. I say “Oh I can’t make cards.” when I mean to say “I don’t like making cards.” I feel like the latter makes me sound pompous. But the former makes me sound like I am putting myself down. And a long time ago a friend told me that it’s best not to put yourself down too much because sooner or later people believe you. I worry so much about sounding cocky that I think I overcompensate sometimes. I think knowing yourself and knowing what you like and don’t like and want to spend your time on and what you don’t want to spend your time on is important. And I want to use that language more, for me if not for others around me. I want to pay attention to what I say, how much I belittle myself. Because doing it to myself is almost like giving others permission to do it to me, too.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am so grateful for my mom for being so generous with me. She’s amazing.
2. I am so grateful to my husband for putting up with my kind of crazy. I am certifiable and he loves me anyway.
3. I am grateful for my new camera and the joy it’s already bringing into my world.
Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Stamping with mommy’s stamps
2. Skipping veggies for lunch
A shot from San Fran from yesterday’s trip.
Today was not a good photo day. I was in such a funk that I did not feel inspired to take photos.
But of course I took a few anyway.
He’s almost one. My year of taking daily photos of him is going to come to an end. And then what do I do? I think I will focus on both kids more. David’s been a bit neglected (photographically) this year and I want to capture him more often, too. Knowing me I will likely create a schedule to ensure I capture each kid at least weekly or something like that.
Feeling sleepy. Haven’t I been saying that every day this week? It feels like I’ve dragged down and can’t get up. I will need some sort of jolt of adrenaline. Got any?
I will sadly admit I didn’t touch my art journal this weekend. Nor did I read more than 3 pages. Ugh. Here’s to hoping the week is more productive than the weekend was.
Note to Self:
I am not exactly sure why I am in such a funk lately. I feel unproductive, disinterested, tired, and too overwhelmed to be productive. Days are passing uneventfully and that’s inspiring me even less making the frustrating day even more unbearable. I hate it when I go to this place where nothing at all is inspiring or motivating me. But I still fight it and don’t sleep (like I should) and don’t play (like I should) and instead I lie on the couch, sulk, and make everyone else suffer.
I was just listening to a book which talked about how your attitude is in your control and how you can choose to be positive. Which I wholeheartedly believe. At the same time, I can’t seem to get myself out of this funk. I’ve listened to music, I’ve gone outside, I’ve watched movies. I haven’t done some art so I am off to do that now but not much seems to be working….
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Nathaniel took his very first step today. It was for a split second and if I had blinked I would have missed it. But I didn’t and it was a moment of pure pure joy for me. I am so grateful I got to see it. I know soon he’ll be walking and it will be no big deal but it is to me.
2. I am grateful that so many people share their talents online. I am so inspired by so many artists and I am so grateful for blogs and for getting to see everyone’s art so readily. What an amazing luxury!
3. I am grateful that my kids go to bed so early. I really need the quiet time tonight and I think I will actually head to bed soon, too.
Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. He got to play a tiny bit mor Wii today and that was a major highlight.
2. He’s been obsessively playing with his legos lately and it’s really most of what he does all day and he loves loves the little lego men.
Today started out blah like everyday in the last week but then I’d asked Jake if we could go to the city for the day and walk on the Golden Gate Bridge (which is on my list for the year) and it was a fantastic day in the city so we decided to go do it. And it was absolutely awesome. More about this in a few Saturdays.
As soon as we parked, I asked Jake to take a photo of us. Nathaniel had napped in the car so he was still groggy.
And one more of us.
There are many more photos but I will save them for the 52 Things entry and post some throughout the week. As it turns out my camera is really dirty. I generally leave my shutter wide open to 1.8 but of course today I had closed it to 8 or 16 to capture some of the beauty which sharpened all the dirt and man there’s a LOT of it. I will have to get my sensor cleaned very soon.
Nathaniel’s been able to stand on his own for quite some time but for some reason I could never get a photo of it and finally today I managed to catch one.
I am going to wrap this up cause the babysitter will be here in 15 minutes and I still have to go get dressed. Happy Saturday.
Note to Self:
Wow, I’ve decided one of my biggest pet-peeves is guilt tripping. I so very much hope that this is not something I do often and I plan to do it never and I absolutely abhor it when others do it to me. It’s such a passive agressive way to communicate. A class I took a long time ago always said that you ask for what you want and you take what you get. You take what you get. I think it is important to remember to do that. Not to feel sorry for yourself. Not to make others do something for you out of guilt. What a horrible way to get something you want. Not only will I no longer cater to such people but I will work diligently to ensure I don’t do it. It’s amazing to see the effect it has on me when others do it and what better reminder for me not to do it to anyone else?
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Getting to walk across the bridge. It was loud and windy but also incredibly fun and stunningly beautiful.
2. Even more grateful that we didn’t have to walk all the way back. Jake ran back, grabbed the car and came to pick us up. Yep, my superhero.
3. Very grateful for date night tonight. A wonderful ending to an incredible day. I am truly blessed.
Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Wii, of course. Today was the Wii day.
2. Going to San Francisco. David ran, skipped, jumped, and walked across the bridge with us and didn’t complain one single time.
One week from tomorrow Nathaniel turns one. One. I can’t believe how quickly a year passes. So much has happened in that time and yet it feels like it was just yesterday that I was in the hospital, giving birth to him. I will write more next week, I’m sure but I find myself wanting to document more and more of him before the moments pass.
He loves walking on the edge of our large couch and grabbing David’s toys.
When I tell him to put it down, this is what he likes to reply with.
And then he puts it right in his mouth. He’s gotten better at not eating things that aren’t food. He will still put it in his mouth first, but he will spit it out.
He loves playing with the TV and has learned that the Tivo remote turns it on. As soon as he or I pick it up, he looks at the TV to see if it turns on. Today he managed to record two shows and almost bought some stuff on the Tivo.
He loves playing with this toy, especially when it’s up there. He loves standing up and leaning over to play with it. He can stand up and down all by himself but he hasn’t walked yet unless one of us holds his hand.
His most favorite thing to eat is a tangerine. He can clear one off his plate in under two minutes. He also really loves drinking water ever since he’s figured out how to do it and doesn’t ask to nurse as many times a day now. (He was thirsty my little boy.) He also loves to eat all fruit, bread, cheese, yogurt. Some items on the so so list: meatballs, pasta, and veggies if mixed with yogurt.
He loves bath time and plays with (chews) all the toys. He doesn’t complain when I dump water on him but you can tell he’s shocked each time. As I am getting him dressed, he loves to squirm away and lift the blinds and look out the window. I always act surprised as he crawls that way and he giggles as he lifts the blinds. When I put him to bed, we play this game where he picks up his little rabbit and throws it. I giggle. He does it again and he giggles too. It’s wonderful until I walk away which is when the crying commences.
I love him so much, so deeply. There are no words to express my love.
Not to leave out David, I wanted to take the time to note three words he still says incorrectly but in the most amusing way. He will say sarcaspert instead of sarcastic. Destruction instead of construction. And protective instead of detective. They each make me laugh so much that I almost don’t want to correct him. (He also uses “for” instead of “so” often but we do try to correct that a lot.)
Long, useless day here. I am glad weekend is here and I hope it will give me some rest time.
Note to Self:
As promised yesterday, I spent some time getting organized today. I basically chunked my day into sets of hours. I first marked the things I cannot get out of like driving David to school and back, etc. Then I marked recurring things like meals, bathtime, bedtime, etc. And then I took the chunks of hours for work and allocated specific tasks to each part of the day, giving me cushion time to check my mail, handle last minute things, etc. Then I added some kids and me time. And finally some just me (or Jake and me, depending) time. I put specific tasks on days they need to get done. For example, I post on the Weekly Gratitude blog on Tuesdays so I generally write that Monday night so I added it to Monday’s calendar, etc.
I don’t know if this system will work or not but I am hoping it will stop the “I have so much stuff, which one should I be doing?” phenomenon I seem to be suffering from lately. Cross your fingers for me.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. This week, I am super grateful it’s Friday. I was last week too. I need to sleep this weekend and get myself some much-needed relaxation.
2. I am grateful that we have a babysitter coming tomorrow and I am looking forward to date night tomorrow, watching the movie Date Night.
3. I am grateful that I got organized. I am hoping this will work because I really need it.
Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Playing with legos. Again 🙂
2. Playing rockets at school
Lovely.
Today I felt all out of sorts again so I decided it’s finally time to get organized again. More below.
David spent some quality time making Nathaniel laugh today. It’s one of our favorite things to do. He was fake falling from the couch.
And making Nathaniel laugh.
Over and over.
Again and again.
It was such a joy for both of us. And then the little boy quietly went to play.
I made a whole bunch more journal pages. All to come tomorrow. Yey.
Note to Self:
So I decided I am going to make a schedule for my week. For my days too. I have weekly occurrences and daily events. I won’t plan to the minute but I will plan chunks of time. Making sure all the tasks I want to get done professionally and personally are allotted their time. I want to make a list of all my tasks and just kind of put them in zones and then see if it works for a week or two. I meant to do it tonight but Jake ended up needing some help so it’s at the top of my list for tomorrow, so I will tell you more once I do it.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I took a walk around the neighborhood tonight all by myself. It was great to smell the flowers, listen to a good book, and be alone for just a bit.
2. I am grateful for helpful people at work. I had to ping 20 people for a request today but I finally got someone who was there and generous with their time.
3. I am grateful for good doctors. I needed a prescription and I didn’t even have to go in and my doctor was so kind as she always is.
Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Playing with legos. He’s really loving it!
2. Playing with Noah’s whistle at school
I still remember years and years ago when I was in sixth grade, I took this exam when I was first learning English and there was a reading piece about daisies. One of the few flowers whose name I knew.
Today was a crappy day from the beginning. Nathaniel woke up at 4:30 and would not go back down. I was already feeling overwhelmingly tired and sick and drippy. He didn’t take but a 30 minute morning nap and would not fall asleep until 2pm. It was a LONG day and I didn’t get anything done all day. I just lay here in between sleep and wakefulness. What a waste of a day.
Thankfully David was an angel. He played with Nathaniel for a long time.
And Nathaniel practiced his water drinking skills. He loves that so much he won’t stop drinking all day long.
David brought out all of his legos.
And spent the entire day playing with them. I mean for hours and hours all by himself. He’s incredible.
Nathaniel played for a long time, too. In between nursing which he likes to do 15 times a day.
So an uneventful and long day here. I am tired and worn out and I need to just lie down and read my book and go to sleep.
Note to Self:
There are days when I just need to call it quits and do nothing. I mean literally nothing. Today was one of those days where I felt like I should be doing something the whole time. Instead, I should have just stopped. Lay on the couch, played with my kids, took a nap. Sometimes it’s best to actively take a day off.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. We watched Glee as a whole family and sat on the couch, held hands, and laughed.
2. Jake came home early tonight and he also went to go out and get groceries and even bought dinner. I am so grateful for him.
3. I am grateful that both kids are in bed now and I can just relax and then go to a blissful sleep (I hope.)
Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Because he was such an angle, David got to play 20 mins of Wii tonight again and of course he was super-thankful for it.
2. He said he was very grateful for his lego time!
Catalyst One Hundred and Nine is: What was the best night of your life so far?
Thoughts:
When Jake and I had just started dating, I got to go home with him to a family Christmas party. It was a last minute decision where I convinced him to surprise his family (we were in college, had final exams, etc.) When we showed up his whole family was so excited and his mom even cried. The whole night she introduced me as the girl who brought her son home. Of course I had no idea at the time that I would end up marrying this boy. But it was the best way to be introduced to the family and one of my favorite nights ever because I got to see everyone so happy.
These flowers are called Venka, David tells me. He learned that from his grandmother (Jake’s mom.) They are beautiful aren’t they?
I took a few closeups of Nathaniel today, just facial expressions as he looked up to me trying to get up on the couch.
And he’s checking out the Tivo remote.
I’ve been feeling really exhausted lately. I wake up much more refreshed and less groggy than usual but then I collapse in the middle of the day and cannot pick myself back up. I just sink deeper and deeper and can’t get anything done. I probably should give up and take a nap but I don’t. I keep wishing it away but it doesn’t go. Ugh. Well hopefully tomorrow will be better. Or I will take a day off and sleep when Nathaniel naps.
Note to Self:
So, if you remember, I got a new Macbook Pro about ten days ago or so. This morning I wake up to an ad-email from Apple that tells me they just came out with new Macbook Pros. These are orders of magnitude better with a much nicer processor, more battery life, cheaper(!), and a better graphics card. Ordinarily, I would panic. But, instead, I patiently wait until the store opens, talk to the manager, call back 3 times and get exactly what I had hoped for: I got to exchange my computer for the new one and got to have AppleCare with the price difference. Woot! It’s rare that stores do the exact right thing in the exact right way, in my opinion but, in this case, that’s exactly what happened. Which was incredible and I was so stoked.
But the best part is that I was calm the whole time. Hopeful and occupied, yes, but I did not freak out. I made my peace with the outcome regardless of what it was. And that’s big for me. I still “needed” to take care of it immediately and the issue had to be resolved one way or another Which is something I need to work on. But being peaceful and not freaking out is a step in the right direction.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Well, of course, my new laptop!
2. I am grateful for my art journal. It’s still coming together really beautifully and it really makes me happy.
3. I think Nathaniel signed for the first time today!! I am not 100% sure and we’ll see in the next few days if he repeats it but it really looked like he was signing milk. I am so so grateful that he’s learning it!!
Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. David got to play 20 mins of Wii tonight so he was super-thankful for it.
2. And he got a surprise in the mail. Our accountant mailed him the lego pieces he accidentally left in her office. He was so happy and grateful that he played with his legos for a long time.
More nature. Enjoying playing with these.
Little boy’s been really good at playing by himself lately.
Until I interrupt (Like the click of the shutter) and he remembers I’m there.
More playing. As he was messing with David’s toy, he even figured it out for us.
We had just changed the batteries of this toy my sister sent but we couldn’t get it to work. As it turns out, you need to press it with two fingers and Nathaniel figured it out! So David spent all of his afternoon playing this game. Thank you Yona, he loves it!
Almost as much as Nathaniel loves turning on and off the TV.
So I stayed up until past midnight last night reading in bed while the whole house slept. I finished my book of course and have already begun the next one. I love it when I am on a roll and reading one good book after another.
I even did one page on my journal and plan to do another after I finish writing this up and before I have to go to bed. Here’s to hoping.
Note to Self:
I’ve been thinking about eating lately. Well, my well-being mostly. I don’t eat very well. No, I don’t eat burgers and fries but I do eat a lot more chocolate than I should. Honestly, on most typical days, I drink 3 cups of (large cups) coffee, eat 7 or so graham crackers, maybe half a bar of chocolate and one cheese sandwich (just bread and cheese). Some days I also eat 2 bananas, or a yogurt. Some days I eat a salad (very rarely). But most days it’s just the coffees, banana, chocolate, graham crackers. This isn’t a lot of food but it’s unhealthy. It’s not nutritious in any way and it needs to change. It’s ok to keep drinking the coffee (since the idea of giving that up seems to rise panic in me) but I need more nutrition. If not for me, then for the baby I am still nursing. But honestly, I don’t know where to begin. I feel so lazy most days. Nothing feels tasty. I can’t decide what to eat. Same with exercise. I just can’t get motivated about it. I’m not even thinking about losing weight as much as I am thinking about being healthy, having a good heart, etc. This is something I am very mindful of, especially lately. But not something I’ve figured out how to resolve just yet.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Watching David learn his words. He’s been practicing every day and it’s so much fun to see his reading grow.
2. I am grateful that I finally cleaned up the desk next to the couch where I sit. It was one of those things I’d been putting off for months and now it’s all nice and clean.
3. Thankful for Glee coming back on this week. Love that show!
Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Playing with the toy Yona sent (the one in photo above)
2. Playing with friends at school where they put stickers and build an underwater world
3. Drawing with mommy
The shades of green in nature never cease to amaze me.
It was another wonderful day. I spent the entire day in my pajamas. Reading. I started Jodi Picoult’s book and could not put it down. I intend to finish it tonight.
While I read, David played.
So did Nathaniel.
And then after Nathaniel’s food was finished, he did his favorite thing which is to go hang out at David’s table.
And touch his stuff, which David is not such a fan of and has started stopping him.
Here’s Nathaniel making a very unhappy face.
And finally he gives up and plays with David’s other toys.
It poured cats and dogs here today. I am ready for beautiful California spring. Come on already where is it? I have so many todo list items but they’ve all been put on hold while I read my books. I can’t stop. It’s like a magical world of wonderful stories and I’ve fallen in.
Note to Self:
So I am not such a big fan of Facebook. I am not even sure why but I’ve never really liked using it so much and now I have such a mix of friends. Friends from childhood in Turkey. Friends from work at Google and even from old work at Goldman. Friends from scrapbooking. Friends from CMU. All over the place. I’ve just avoided posting anything. I kept worrying what if I post about scrapbooking and all my non scrappy friends think I’m stupid or boring. Or that I’ll post something about Google Chrome and the scrappy people will be bored to tears. But finally I gave it all up today. I’m me. I have a weird, wide range of interests and if you don’t like to read my comments, just don’t. That’s ok. I won’t be offended. I don’t read everything either. It’s crazy to assume I can make everyone happy. Even crazier to assume I need to be different than who I am. That’s too much work. So from today on my blog posts show up at FB as links. Some might follow and others not. That’s ok. I might change this later I make no promises but for now I am ok with it. I am ok with being me. At least I think I am.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Grateful for books this whole weekend. I’d been on a bad lineup lately of only wanting to read light stuff but the last 3 books I read (all of which i read this weekend) are not light and yet I read them without moving and they were all fantastic. (well i haven’t finished this one yet to be fair.)
2. Grateful for a wonderfully quiet day with my family whom I adore.
3. Grateful that it was ok for me to ditch all of my todo list for this weekend. That I don’t feel burdened down or stressed out.
Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Watching the They Might Be Giants DVD on science that Jake’s brother got David for his birthday
2. Going to his friend Arielle’s birthday party
Isn’t it? You just have to learn to look.
Today, a friend of Jake’s from work came to visit us with his wife and son. It was such a treat to have someone for the kids to play with. I have so many photos of Nathaniel’s face but not so many of the life we live. Just random shots with a lot in them so I decided I wanted more of those. However imperfect.
And the closeup of course. He just learned how to drink from this cup and enjoys doing it several times a day.
Great day. I finished my book last night. Magnificent one. I read 6 pages of another one before I went to bed. I woke up this morning, finished my kit layouts (more tomorrow) while Nathaniel and David ate breakfast and sat to read my book while Nathaniel napped. He decided to take a super-long nap which meant I could peacefully fall into my book (it was David’s wii day so he was playing.). I read nonstop for 3 hours. (bliss!) and then Jake’s friends came and we played and talked and had a lovely time. After they left, kids ate, showered and then went to bed. I made some coffee and dug back into my book. Finished it in one swoop. Karen Maezen Miller‘s new book Hand Wash Cold is absolutely and truly magnificent. Orders of magnitude better than the previous one which was truly amazing in its own right. More on this in a few weeks. I need to digest. Sit and write. But what an incredible way to spend my day. I was so moved by the end that I had to send her an email to thank her. Go find it and read it. I promise you will be grateful.
And now I am doing some photo processing, cleaning up, etc. Getting ready to start another book in bed. Feeling content in every single sense of the word. (That word seems to imply “blah” in our everyday use. Gives a feeling of settling. Nothing extraordinary. But if you look it up, it means: in a state of peaceful happiness. What more can one ask for?)
Note to Self:
One of the things I’ve been doing during this year of mindfulness and contemplation is working hard to separate my feelings/thoughts from the society’s. So I often ask myself “Does this really bother me or do I think it should?” This is my way of checking in with my own feelings. We are told so many things implicitly and explicitly by the people around us. By the media. By the movies. Books. Whatever. Everything and anything we consume has opinions. They often tell me how I should feel. While sometimes I really agree with them, other times I don’t. But it takes a lot of mindfulness for me to step back and separate my feelings from that of what’s around me.
For example, if I think about it deep down, it doesn’t really bother me that I don’t cook. Sure I want my kids to eat well and healthy. But they are both in excellent health. They are slim and active. They eat tons of fruits and as many vegetables as I can convince them to. They don’t eat any junk food or drink juice. So are they losing out because I don’t make intricate meals? Maybe but if I dig down deep, this is not something that really bothers me as much as I think it should. It only bothers me because I feel an invisible pressure to be a better mom which it (amongst other things) defined by cooking for my kids. And sometimes I do cook. And maybe I will do so more. But because I like to not because I feel pressure to.
I also often chat with my husband over IM. Sometimes we spend the whole night apart. He sits in his office in the garage and I sit in the living room working, doing art, reading. We might send some messages over Instant Messenger. We sometimes even use this medium to talk about concerns we have. We’ve found over the years that it adds a boundary that allows us to better manage our emotions and talk things out more clearly and listen to each other better. Some people might find these things crazy. People laugh at me a lot. But in the end, when I think deeply about it, it doesn’t bother me. These are the ways in which we’ve found to live our lives happily. It works for us. We’ve had a long and lasting relationshop for sixteen years. We love each other deeply and truly enjoy each other’s company. I know how much he loves me. He’s there for me every single time I need him and every single time I want him. So does it really bother me that we don’t always sit next to each other? No. It only does when someone tells me how they always sit with their husband every night, in a way that implies that this is a must-have for a sound marriage.
I have come to believe that there is no such thing a fast-and-hard rule about things like marriage, motherhood, or even life. There are families where the kids and parents eat dinner at a table every single night and yet the conversation is fake, the connection is nonexistent and there are families who eat in front of the TV but yet they are truly immersed in each other’s lives and are there for each other. Life, connections, and people are not simple enough to be reduced into one-liners. There are no rules that work across the board. It’s important to note what works for you and then do it without shame or worry. I feel like I am blessed to have found a way to make things work and make our life joyful for all of us. I will not let my worry of what others think ruin that for me. So, each time I find myself annoyed about something, I will work on remembering to ask: “Does this really bother me?”
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am yet again grateful for my kids, but especially David today. Jake’s friends’ little boy Nico was 20 months old and David was so incredibly gentle with him. There were times he boy tested his patience. Once he almost bit David. He yelled at him several times but David was regularly kind even though you could tell he was close to losing it a little. They ran around the house giggling, shrieking, and had a great time. I am so thankful for his patience, gentleness, and generosity of spirit.
2. Grateful for another incredible book. One that moved me deeply. One that I will definitely read all over again. And for writers like Karen.
3. Grateful for my kit today. I love scrapbooking. I love getting to tell my stories. I love looking over them. Feeling grateful for years of storytelling. And for Nathaniel’s baby book which is so close to being done. Can’t believe he’s almost one.
Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. The Wii of course.
2. Playing with Nico
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projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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