These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day eight – makeup
(journaling below)
Journaling:
When I saw this prompt, my first instinct was to skip it. I don’t wear makeup so there’s no story there. But then I decided to go deeper. Most stories are interesting if I’m willing to go deeper.
I used to wear makeup. Just like I used to wear 6-inch heels and dye my hair blonde. Even though my looks were never the most important thing in my life, there was a time I did spend considerably more time thinking about how I looked and spending energy and money on makeup. This is not to say those things are not worth the money or the energy and there might very well be a time in the future when I do it all over again.
But not now.
At this moment, my time, efforts, and money go to other things. They go to keeping my body healthy, they go to colorful dresses that make me happy, they go to my kids’ education, they go to books. And art supplies. And many other things that are not makeup.
Looking at this photo, I am reminded that we go through different stages in life. And each of those stages feels eternal. As if they are forever and they are the new “truth” of my life. But they do end. The stages come and go. Some change slowly and some drastically but if there’s one guarantee, it’s that my life won’t look like this five years from now. I will have different priorities (however slight) and different hopes and wishes and worries. I will spend
my money and time and energy on different things than I do now. If I am lucky, none of it will be terrible. If I am lucky, we will still all be healthy and happy.
But, it will be different. And I will look back on these days and wonder why I worried so much all the things in my head today. And, in ten years, I will remember these days fondly, but also like they are a part of a distant past, just the way those makeup days feel to me now. In ten years, these days now will be a part of my history.
That’s the thing about life; it passes quickly. And this little prompt today ended up being a reminder that I would like to make sure I cherish these days while they are here. I nurture the person I am now. I give thanks for what we have. Amazing what a little prompt can do.
After I did the four faces and found myself uninspired, I decided to try something slightly different. So I went back to being inspired by paperfashion. Since this is about getting back into doing something, anything, I figure whatever gets me there is what I should be doing. This makes me happier for now. Her work is always so awe inspiring to me.
and it’s super shiny too
The quote says:
There is no elevator to success, you have to take the stairs.
This is something I seem to have figured out early in my life and I feel that, for the most part, I am very good at taking the stairs. I work hard and hard and hard. When i want something, I never assume it will be easy. Most things aren’t for me. Most things require showing up, doing the work, being tired, resting, showing up, doing the work, feeling like you’ve made no progress but knowing it takes a lot longer, being tired all over again, and resting only to repeat it all over the next day.
Getting thing done is hard. Getting things done well is even harder. And all of the steps in between here and there (where there is somewhere you want to end up, some definition of success for you) are all hard. They are showing up and hating what you’ve done (like i have for this project till today), they are adjusting things, making it different, working at it, getting frustrated, feeling lost, trying more, feeling lost, trying more, coming back, trying even more. It’s about showing up every single day and taking that next step. Having faith that it will eventually get you to the top. And trying to enjoy (or at least appreciate) the process in the meantime.
I feel that most of us are not taught this early on enough. Most of us don’t realize that people work extremely hard to be where they are. Even for those cases where it looks easy, there’s often much more under the surface that you don’t know about. Sometimes the work is physical, sometimes it’s emotional, and sometimes it’s mental. But it’s always there.
So, every time I feel like giving up or complain about why it has to be so hard, I will remember this quote and remind myself that the stairs take time to climb but I will reach the top eventually.
These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day seven – dream
(journaling below)
Journaling:
When I was little, I had a lot of dreams for my life. I wanted to study Computer Science. I wanted to do art. I wanted to move to the United States. I wanted to work from home and raise my children. I had big, audacious dreams for what my life was going to look like.
Here we are, some thirty years later, and all of those dreams have come true. I did move to America. I did study computers and art. I get to do both every day of my life. I get to work at a big, wonderful company with products I love and people I admire. I even get to work from home and raise the two boys I love and adore. I also have things in my life that I didn’t even think to dream about: a kind, generous, loving husband. A home in a safe and beautiful neighborhood in a state where the sun shines almost every single day. Intelligent, interesting, generous friends. Good health. Incredible luck.
And so much more.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting in a cafe near my house and listening to an assignment for one of my classes where I had to write down some things I was grateful for. As I made a list of small and big gratitudes in my life, it struck me that my life had turned out so much better than I’d ever dreamt of even though my wishes and dreams had been wildly audacious considering I was this little girl from Istanbul. My life is so magical, so wonderful, and so mind blowing that I don’t think the little girl I was could have ever imagined it.
So here I am at forty and all my dreams have already come true. Sure I have other dreams for my kids, for my husband, and for other people in my life. I dream of schools my kids can go to, people they can meet, lives they can create for themselves. Lives filled with contentment, joy, curiosity, and luck. I dream of success and fulfillment my husband can have with his career. I dream of wonderful times we can spend as a family, celebrating our good fortune and good health. I dream of a long and steady old age for my parents.
But, for me, I am all set. I feel like I’ve received more than my fair share of magic in this world and I am grateful for every single moment I get from here onward. Instead of making more dreams, I would like to bask in the light of all the wonderfulness I have and appreciate its splendor. I am so deeply grateful.
These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day six – the most important thing.
(journaling below)
Journaling:
The most important thing has such an ominous sound to it. I feel like I get this one wrong, everything else will collapse, too. After all, if you can’t get “the most important thing” right, what hope do you have of getting anything else right, isn’t that so?
My first instinct, of course, was to say my family. They are definitely the most important thing in my life. But I’ve already written about them. Several times. So I wanted to think about something creative and different, but still true.
And then it hit me. The most important thing is me. I am the most important thing.
I know it might sound narcissistic at first but it’s not. As I grow older, I’m learning that how well I take care of myself and how I feel has a direct impact on those I love. If I am patient and loving with myself, I am able to be more patient and loving with my kids. If I can offer myself grace when I make a mistake, I can extend the same courtesy to my husband. The more I have, the more I can give.
A few years ago, I’d read that you cannot love others more than you love yourself. I violently dismissed this as soon as I read it. It couldn’t be true because I knew that, for me, it wasn’t true. I definitely loved my kids and my husband much, much more than I love myself. I’ve always had a contentious relationship with myself but I knew that there was nothing I wouldn’t do for my family. So it made no sense that my love for them couldn’t be greater than the small amount I felt for myself.
But then I realized the depth of the sentence. The fact is, when I am not kind to myself, when I don’t love myself, when I am not taking care of myself, I am not my best self. If I don’t foster these things in myself, I am failing those I love. At first look, I am setting a really bad example. I know that what I do matters much more than what I say. How can I expect my kids to love themselves when I don’t? And when we go deeper, it’s even worse. How can I give what I don’t have. If I don’t fill myself up with love, I cannot authentically give it to my family. I want them to see what it looks like and feel what it feels like to deeply love someone. It’s not enough to say it; I have to live it.
As with most things, it starts with me. The most important thing is for me to love me.
These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day five – drink.
(journaling below)
Journaling:
During August, I finally started my walking practice again. With that, came the efforts to eat well and take better care of my health in general. Every day, I took a long walk in the morning, once my early meetings are done. I also started the tradition of walking to Cafe Borrone on the weekend mornings and taking a little time for myself.
Both on Saturdays and Sundays, I wake up relatively early and walk the 25 minutes to the Cafe. I then get myself a 16oz double shot, non-fat, no foam latte and a warmed up croissant and I sit down with my notebook and ipad. I listen to a book on tape on the way so, sometimes the story so interesting that I don’t want to stop listening to it. During those times, I might eat, drink, and play games while I listen. If I am really productive, I might sketch as well. Other times, I will journal. I’ve been known to sit there and write down my thoughts for a solid hour. On Sundays, I often plan my week and figure out work and personal todos for the week to come. I try to highlight the most important tasks so I feel more prepared. After a little while, I will save half of my croissant, finish my coffee and start the walk back home.
I’ve come to cherish these quiet mornings more than any other ritual I have. Even though I love my family so so much, I also need quiet time. It’s how I replenish my soul. These little walks, the solitude, and the reflection do just that. They fill me up so that I can come back full and give everything I have to the people I love and be grateful for them all over again.
I am so lucky to live near such a delightful cafe. I am lucky to have the time and freedom to do this each weekend day. And I am lucky to have the people I love waiting for me at home when I return. Grateful for this little ritual of mine.
These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day four – she says.
(journaling below)
Journaling:
My first instinct with this post was to write all the things I say all day long. Then I was thinking I can write about what I want to say but I don’t. And then I thought that I already say most of what I want to. So I was back to square one and unsure what I should write about when I realized that all I really want to write about is saying the most important thing I want to make sure to remember to say (and, no, it’s not “i love you.” I say that a lot and I mean it each time. So that’s an easy one for me.)
The one that’s harder and the one I want to make sure to remember is to say: nothing.
It’s so easy for me to speak without thinking when I am angry or hurt. It’s so easy for me to yell. It’s so easy for me to say things that I regret soon after. Sometimes it’s not even something horrible but I still say words I’d rather not say. Words that I am not proud of. Words that I remember later and feel sad I said. I always apologize. And I am getting better at apologizing even when I feel like it’s not my fault. I don’t make things a matter of pride. I have learned to let go over the years and I know that what matters most is for us to move forward and let go of anger, resentment, hurt, etc. So I apologize. Every single time, if that’s what it takes.
Even though I apologize every time and the people who love me do forgive me, I still want to do better. I want to stop myself before I get to the point where I have said things that need an apology. I want to be better at responding and not reacting. Not always jumping the gun. Not always answering right away. There are times when I react to what’s happening too quickly and if I can just wait a beat or two, I would say something totally different. Or say anything at all.
This one is for me. It’s not so others can like me more or so I can apologize less. It’s because I want the words that come out of my mouth to be aligned with who I want to be in the world. I want to be kind. I want the people in my life to know that what matters most to me is for them to see how much I love them and how they mean the world to me. I want my words to be kind, generous, and loving. Sure there will be tough moments, but I want to walk through them with grace. I want to remember the big picture. And in moments of weakness, I want to choose silence over unkindness.
I like this girl more than the others. But I still realized that I am just not enjoying drawing these girls. Maybe it’s because I feel I am not good at it. Maybe it just feels bland. I am not sure but either way, I’ve decided to change course a bit so that the project makes me happier. We’ll see if it works.
The quote here says:
Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
When I saw this quote, I smiled. Isn’t that the truth?
About ten years ago, I took this class and one of the most profound experiences from the class was the deep realization that I have no ability to change others so if I want my relationship with someone to change, I have to either change myself or I have to walk away from the relationship. This is not to say that the other person will never change. Maybe they will and maybe they won’t. But I am not the one who gets to control this.
All I get to do is change myself. And that’s hard enough as is. Actually, this is exactly why I used to find myself wishing for the other person to change. Because it’s so hard to change myself. Because it’s uncomfortable. Because it feels wrong. It’s easy to think that there’s nothing wrong with me and that the fault lies with the other person. Why should I have to change?
But here’s what I learned: if I want to be in a friendship with that person, then it’s on me to make the effort to create the kind of relationship I want. I don’t get to choose to be friends with her and then also want her to completely change who she is to fit my needs. The part where I have choice is whether I want her in my life. And I get to have choice around how I behave, how I feel, what I do.
And that’s about it.
These rules apply to husbands, children, parents, siblings, too. All I get to change is me.
And that’s plenty of work right there.
These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day three – color.
(journaling below)
Journaling:
For the longest time, my favorite color didn’t really mean much to me. When I was little, it was purple and then as an adult I liked blue. I feel like most adults say “blue” if they don’t actually have a favorite color. Like it’s the generic go-to favorite color. So, blue, it was.
A few years ago, there was a shift after a month of scrapbooking, where I realized I loved bright, happy colors. I loved all the colors, but in their brightest versions. Give me turquoise, yellow, red, green, pink, any day. I loved them all. Especially the happy yellow. Orangey yellow became my favorite color. After that, I changed my wardrobe to include a lot of Desigual dresses. They seem to reflect my love of color perfectly.
And then there was another major shift last year. I did a visualization exercise where I was talking to my future self. When I did the exercise, I realized this future self was living in a mostly white and glass room overlooking the sea. There were some neutral elements, too, but the white really stood out to me. There seemed to be a strong link between the calmness of this future self and the color white. The impact of this exercise was so strong that I started buying white or clear things. I changed my art table to only have clear or white containers. I changed my bedsheets and covers to be completely white. I even changed my daily Moleskines to be white (but kept a few of my favorite yellow ones, too.) And the change has been profound. The white does indeed make me feel calmer. I love it’s clean, crisp look. And I really love how it makes all the other colors pop that much more.
Looking back, I had already realized this many years ago, when I changed all my scrapbook pages to have white backgrounds, when I realized that I didn’t like painting the background of my sketch or art journal pages. I’ve always liked the white base. I love the way the true colors show, shine and pop when placed on a white surface. This year, I’ve even bought three white dresses with bold, bright colors on them. I love being surrounded by all the white. It’s amazing how much that little exercise changed my day to day life.
One of the best things about living in California is the number of sunny days in the year. The sun has the same effect in my life that white surfaces do: it makes all the colors brighter and happier. It helps me see that my life is so full of color and joy. And I am grateful for that reminder every single day.
Today’s girl was still a challenge to make. A bit better but really very, very far from where I wish I were. Alas we keep going.
As for today’s quote, it says:
Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder. -rumi
Oh man.
This is something I really struggle with. And something I desperately want to be better at. I come from a family of screamers. Even though I make a resolution to not scream multiple times a day, I break it almost as often. I just can’t seem to control myself when the moment comes. Especially when David knows exactly what to say to step on every single one of my triggers. Especially when his words sting and bring me back to my childhood years.
Especially when I am back to being the vulnerable, lonely, hurt person who lives inside me.
I noticed that most of the time when I am yelling, it’s about me. It’s about how I feel. Not about the other person in any way. I feel disrespected, entitled, sad, and hurt in that order. And those feelings are uncomfortable so instead of sitting with them or swallowing them, I just scream. It allows me to discharge the discomfort.
And even though I intellectually know all this, it doesn’t bring me any closer to emotionally being able to control myself in the moment it’s happening. In that moment, I am back to my ten year old self and I just want to have a tantrum.
After it’s over, my 41-year-old self wallows in the shame of it all and apologizes and swears not to do it again.
Until the next time.
I just hope that each of these times is a practice for me to get a tiny bit better. So that eventually there will be this one magical day where I sit with the discomfort and let is wash over me instead of taking it out on those I love.
I will keep trying and wishing and hoping and trying until that moment comes.
These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day two – home.
(journaling below)
Journaling:
Home has been an elusive concept for me. For many, many years of my life, I regularly felt like I didn’t have a home. I was born and raised in Istanbul, Turkey, but I moved to the United States when I was seventeen. I spent the first few years here in a dorm room in Pittsburgh and then a small apartment in New York City and then another two in San Diego. I then moved to the Bay Area where I finally got to live in a house and not an apartment. But even then, we were renting. And, finally, as of six years ago, we have our own little home.
In all the places I’ve lived, I’ve always questioned if this was my home or not. Was my home still in Turkey or was it finally in America? Surely a dorm room couldn’t be my home, could it? Did a home have to be a home, or could it be an apartment? What would make my home and home? How would I know when I finally had a home in the United States?
After pondering all these questions, here’s what I’ve come to believe: I have many homes. I have home in Turkey, with my mom and dad. One that’s always open to me anytime I choose to stay. I have a home in Burgaz with my mom and my dad and my sister and her family anytime I choose to join them. I have a home with my in-laws in Boston and Martha’s Vineyard. They are always welcoming and would love to have me. And, finally, I have my own home, right here in Menlo Park, California. All of these places are my homes because all of these places are where the people I love live.
Home is where we laugh and spend time together and have arguments and cry with disappointment and celebrate with joy. Home is where we eat, we play, we talk, we sleep, and where we create memories. Home is where we are always welcomed and where belonging is never questioned. Home is warm and cozy. Home is soft and inviting.
Home is not about a location or a type of building. It’s not about the furniture inside. It’s about the people who smile when you walk through the door. It’s about deep sense of contentment that envelops you each time you walk through the door. It’s about getting to be exactly who you are and being loved exactly for that.
I am incredibly lucky to get to have all the homes I have and to get to spend my moments in these places, with these people whom I love and cherish so deeply.
I read Why We Broke Up because my friend Evelyn recommended it and I pretty much devoured it. I didn’t want to work or sleep or go pickup the kids because I just wanted to keep reading it.
You know it doesn’t end well, because, well, it’s called why we broke up so you know they break up! But even knowing that, the story was so well told, so lovely, so just right.
If young adult is your cup of tea, this one is highly recommended.
Full disclosure: not only am i not crazy about today’s girl, I actually had to correct her right eye because it was way too high and just crooked. It bothered me so much, I couldn’t help it. Even with that, I am not crazy about her. But I am keeping it. As I mentioned yesterday, it all counts. Little by little, I’ll get there. Wherever “there” is.
As for today’s quote, it says:
Life is a balance of holding on and letting go. -rumi
Nothing teaches me the truth of this better than having kids. Especially as they get older. My son has some big milestones coming up and I am constantly battling between how much I hold on and how much I let go. And I can never seem to decide what the perfect balance is. I am constantly second guessing myself. Constantly putting pressure on myself to get it “right.”
And, of course, I have no idea what “right” looks like.
I just often feel that I’ll know it when I see it. Or when I feel it. But I never feel it. I always feel like I am tipped over to one side or another. Often times, I’m holding on too tight, trying to control the situation. I was like this for myself, in my own life, too. But it’s so much harder for my kids. I want to be able to control the outcome so much more for them because I feel such a strong desire to protect them from grief and hardship. Even as I know that those are the experiences that make us grow. They are the roads we must walk on to get to appreciate our journeys. They help us become who we are. I know these tougher moments are a necessary part of life.
But it’s still hard.
I spent much of this morning trying to navigate this dichotomy. And I have no idea how to do it. Most days, I just end up being exhausted and hope that I do better the next day.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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