So very precious.
I live with guilt twenty-four/seven.
No matter what time of the day or week you catch me, I can list five
things I feel guilty about. There are the typical things like the
chocolate I ate a few minutes ago, or the exercise I didn’t do, or the
emails sitting in my inbox. Things that are common to everyone’s life.
Things that make up New Year’s resolutions that never get met. They are
such shared experiences that books are written about them, careers are
made trying to monetize them, and they even have Hallmark cards about them.
`
These pangs of guilt live in the surface of life. The place where you
know it doesn’t much matter if I ate chocolate half an hour ago or end
up a size smaller or bigger next week. I know that the inbox will fill
again. I know that the friends will forgive me, and often will be too
busy to write back themselves. All it takes to fix these things is
admitting that while I would love for these issues to disappear, I don’t
really want to do the work or sacrifice they will need.
And then there is the big stuff. Spending time with family vs working
all hours of the night. Snapping at my husband when I’m pissed at a
coworker. Ignoring my kid because I am too tired and don’t want to deal
with whatever small thing he’s frustrated about right then. There are
the things that make you pick sides. Living in America vs being near my
family. Working vs staying home with David. Things that don’t come with
right answers. Things that a lot of work might not make go away. Things
that are not obvious.
Those are the cases where I wish someone would pull me aside and tell me
the secret answers. I know that guilt is a wasted
emotion. Yet, I can’t help it. I don’t want to have to sacrifice one
for the others. I want to know that I can love my son and be there for
him without taking the frustration out on my husband. I want to spend
time with the things I love and my son and get my work done. I want to
do a good job of it all.
I think that’s why I take so many pictures of David: to prove I was
there. I saw those moments, I experienced them. The funny thing is, the
camera is the reason I don’t end up experiencing them. Capturing the
moment and being in the moment are mutually exclusive. At least for me.
As much as I love the photos, I end up missing out in a bigger way.
Each time I am in one place, doing one thing, I am feeling guilty about
not being in the other place doing the other thing. Guilty that I am not
at home feeding him. Guilty that I didn’t go to work early and finish my
overflowing task list. Guilty that I am reading when it’s one of the few
hours in the week I get to see my family.
My new plan is to put a stop to all the guilt. Life’s too short and
maybe I could see more of David if I didn’t work so much. And maybe I
could be more successful at work if I didn’t have a family to go home
to. And maybe I could spend more time reading if I didn’t have either.
But I do. And I love all of them. And I can enjoy all of them. If only I
can enjoy the moment I am in instead of the one I’m not getting to
experience.
We pick sides all the time. And I am picking mine. I will have it all.
Maybe not simultaneously, maybe not even in equal doses at all times.
But, even the small doses can be magical if I stop worrying about where
I am not and instead enjoy where I am.
Next to my family, my favorite way to spend time is to read. With the
exception of horror and fantasy, I read and enjoy almost every kind of
book. But every now and then there’s that one book that comes along and
stops my whole life. When I find one of those, nothing else much
matters. I completely fall into the story. I take the book with me to
the bathroom. I take it in the car. I read it while I am waiting for the
microwave. I read it as I walk from room to room. I don’t put it down
for a second. I am so engulfed in these characters’ lives that I don’t
want to miss a moment of it.
Today was one of those days and My
Sister’s Keeper was that book. I can’t even remember why I put this
book on hold. I think I saw it at Walmart (in one of the very rare
occasions I sadly visited this establishment whose politics and employee
treatment I vehemently oppose) and I had heard of the Jodi Picoult many
times before and wanted to read her. I can’t tell you what made me pick
up the book last night over the 22 books I have checked out. But I can
tell you that since I picked it up, I didn’t put it down until I
finished it. I spent a good time crying afterwards just to get all the
pent up emotion out.
Jodi Picoult has a way with words. Not only does she create the most
relatable characters, but she knows how to take emotions and wrap them
around such simple, natural words that you wonder why no one else
thought to express that emotion in that exact way before. It’s like you
know exactly what she means.
This story is tragic. It’s horrifying. It’s a situation no parent ever
wants to be in. From the outside, you can take sides, you can judge. But
when you see the story from all the points of view, you can see the
conundrum so well. You know there’s no easy answer here. Even from the
very beginning, you know it’s not going to end well. But still, like the
parents, you keep hoping. But the author doesn’t disappoint. She doesn’t
cop out. She doesn’t create a Hollywood ending. To the contrary, all the
way to the very twist at end, the story holds true to its point.
Life is too short and no one gets to have a say at how things turn out.
When I read A Dirty Job back in January (or was it December?), I loved it so much that I wanted to read more Christopher Moore right away. So I checked out another book by him (The Stupidest Angel) and was really frustrated by how much I didn’t like it. A few months ago, I wanted to give it another try, so I checked out Coyote Blue. The book was funny and overall I enjoyed it. However, in the end, it lacked the un-put-downable-ness of A Dirty Job. I want to read more by him cause I do like his unique sense of humor, but I am not sure which of his books to pick up next…
When David stopped waking up every 35 minutes, we made a pact never to
go into his room in the middle of the night and with few exceptions
we’ve stuck to the rule. Lately, our little boy picked up two
interesting habits that make us wander what he does behind closed doors.
First of all, he randomly wakes up at all hours and shrieks like his
eyeballs are being plucked right out. The sounds are so scary that
you’re convinced he must be bleeding. However, two seconds after I walk
in, he’s in great humors and pointing to the door and making the
enthusiastic sounds of “please let me out so I can play.”
Secondly, he has managed to master zippers, pants, diapers and any
other forms of clothing such that he can go from fully dressed to stark
naked within seconds. He loves doing this during naps and in the morning
before we even know he’s awake. For all we know, he does it in the
middle of the night. What we do know is that we come in and he’s naked.
The bed holds what would usually be so well covered by the diaper. Add
to that, the fact that David loves pooping first thing in the morning
and you should have a good visual of our morning surprises.
To get a better sense of exactly what’s going on behind the dark, closed
doors, we just bought a baby video monitor. This lets me watch David all
night long and it has quickly become my favorite channel.
When you do a writing exercise, teachers tell you to imagine this
peaceful place. A place that’s quiet and happy. A place that gets your
creative juices flowing. This is exactly what crossed my mind when I saw
this spot. This is part of a park that’s only open to Palo Alto
residents. The park is pretty just like all parks are, but this
particular spot took my breath away.
Another shot from our weekend away. Aren’t they lovely?
We spent President’s Day Weekend in Avila Beach, right below San Luis
Obispo. The day we got there, it was raining. We drove 3 hours for
beautiful weather so we were really bummed, but the next day was
beautiful and we had a wonderful time. Especially when we stopped at a
local park on the drive home and David explored all around. As no
holiday tends to be, this was relaxing and grounding.
As some of you already remembered, David had his second birthday
recently. We were fortunate enough to rent out the MyGym by our house
where David goes to class once a week. It’s his favorite place on earth.
The birthday was wonderful and David had a blast. This particular photo
is my favorite photo of David from the day. It might even be one of my
all-time favorites. I tried to explain it to Jake multiple times but I
can’t put it into proper words. To me, if you opened the dictionary to
the word bliss, this would be the photo next to it.
Here’s another photo from the beautiful drive Jake, David and I took a
few months ago. Quite breathless.
When we first moved here, Jake and I drove up to Skyline Drive early in
the morning and I snapped some photos. They’ve been sitting in the drive
for weeks (months actually) so I thought this would be a good time to
post a few.
We
Are All Welcome Here is Elizabeth Berg’s newest novel. (There’s a
newer one coming out in May.) I am a huge fan of hers and was thrilled
to find this book at the library. To be honest, it wasn’t a favorite of
mine. While I thought the story was beautiful and touching, it wasn’t as
strong as many of her others. Berg has a distinct skill of writing about
women and not making it cheesy or fluffy.
Three little books from Anna Quindlen, another powerful and strong
female author: Peing
Perfect, How
Reading Changed My Life and A
short Guide to a Happy Life. I was interested in all of these books
but didn’t want to pay the list price for such a small book that I knew
would be an hour read.
Thanks to the Palo Alto Library, I finally got my
hands on them and was able to read the lovely little stories which
really should have been essays and not books of their own. To be fair,
the reading book did recommend many awesome books to me that I love.
And finally I just finished Anna Quindlen’s latest book, Rise
and Shine. Since the story was about two sisters and took place in
New York, I really looked forward to reading it. Quindlen is a fantastic
author so, of course, the book wasn’t bad. However, it wasn’t great
either. I felt that she has done and could have done a lot better. The
characters were just not three-dimensional enough. 
I didn’t feel
sympathetic towards either of the sisters and felt like some of the
major plot points were either implausible or unnecessarily dramatic. I had a pretty hard time getting into the story and I kept waiting for it to get more interesting and for something to happen. And when it finally did, I compeltely didn’t believe it. It felt like a cop-out. However, when I got to the end of the book, the last two lines spoke to the core of the story and made me remember why I love her so much.
Another fantastic female author and one of my very favorites is Jane
Smiley. And I am delighted that I’ll be getting to hear her talk this
week (cross fingers). Now I need a new book by Anne Tyler and I will be
all set.
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projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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