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Hypocrisy

Yesterday, I got an email from someone asking me to setup a meeting with someone else. The minute I read the email, I felt dejected. This other person (let’s call him Ben) with whom I was asked to setup some time is not someone I am particularly fond of and I disliked the idea of his having anything to do with my day. It impacted me so strongly that it basically ruined my day. As you may remember, I was already grumpy so that didn’t help things much either. I kept looking at the email and pouting.

Not just pouting, but I kept making scenarios in my head about the content of the meeting, the attitude of Ben and I got grouchier and grouchier. By the end of the day, I was already confident I knew how this meeting would go. And I decided it was a lost cause. And then I wasn’t just grumpy. I was mad. And I was really sad.

The meeting is not until tomorrow.

This morning, I woke up and decided I needed to change my attitude around this whole thing. I knew that if I walked into this meeting with the mentality I had about Ben, I wouldn’t hear anything he said. As I learned in a class I took long ago, I would be Already Always Listening which means I would be listening to his words through the filter of my feelings for him. I would interpret his words inside my mind, giving them a negative spin. I would not really be listening to him but my own version of what he’s saying.

Which seemed the opposite of this week’s intent of listening carefully.

The truth is, I’ve only interacted with Ben once. For a very short period. I wanted something from him and he didn’t do what I wanted. He didn’t handle it the way I wanted. One time, two years ago. One time.

One time.

If someone else were judging me on the one interaction we’ve ever had, I’d be really disappointed. I’d want to be given the benefit of the doubt. I’d want them to give me a chance and come to the meeting with an open mind. In fact, if he already has similar feelings about me, I know I want him to be at this meeting with an open mind (even though I clearly don’t have one.)

Hypocrite, much?

Yes, indeed.

This afternoon, as I was journaling about all this, my hypocrisy hit me in the face. And I almost laughed out loud. At how obvious it is once I write it out. Think it through. At how ridiculous it is. At how horrible I was being.

What’s the point of having the meeting at all if I’ve already decided the outcome?

How is it I am holding him to a different standard than I am holding myself?

wow.

So I made a plan. My goal is to go to this meeting with a beginner’s mind. I will assume I’ve never met Ben before. I will assume he has good intentions (as much as I would assume from any stranger to whom I give the benefit of the doubt.) I will listen to the word that he says. The actual words. I will listen carefully. I will give him my attention.

I will also listen to the universe. And I will listen to my gut.

But I will do this after our conversation. I will sit and process it a bit. And then form my opinions. From information gathered during our talk.

And then if the outcome is not ideal, so be it.

At least it won’t be because I didn’t listen.

Remember This – Week 39

Life Book week 32 was an assignment from Micki Wilde. I had never drawn one of her girls before and I think I need a lot more practice but I still like what I ended up with. She’s giving love out to everyone.

It says: give all of you and ask for nothing in return.

I will say, I believe this wholeheartedly.


Remember This is a project for 2014. You can read more about it here.

Grumpiness

I’ve been feeling the blahs for the last four days now. As I sat by my desk tonight, I found myself wondering if it’s a good idea to write when I am grumpy or if I should just avoid the blog at all costs.

The thing is, there are many little and big things where I feel like I am running behind lately. Or just dropping on the floor altogether.

  • I have been terrible about posting family photos here on the blog since around June. I have a lot of photos. They’ve been piling up but I just cannot get myself to do the work to post them. 
  • I’ve dropped the stitching project altogether. I think I’d just had enough of it. I have some ideas for Thursdays now but I haven’t gotten around to writing them.
  • I haven’t been really taking any pictures for months now. I have been using my SLR so little, it actually had a dead battery (from disuse) this has never happened since I bought the camera years ago.
  • I feel uninspired to blog lately.  Or journal. I think about both nonstop and want to do more, but I can’t get myself to do it.
  • I have a month’s worth of shoes I drew back in June and never posted.
  • And 75-days of sketching with only pen.

So hence the question of should I even bother. But sometimes it’s more about the practice of writing then the content. So I am going to keep at it. Here are some thoughts, things on my mind, things in my life, things to share, in no order:

  1. I just finished “I’ll Give You the Sun“ by Jandy Nelson. One of the best books I’ve read in a long, long time. Really magical.
  2. My third sketching class is starting (actually i just checked and it looks like it just started!) and I’ve been sketching daily to get in the habit again
  3. I’m completely caught up in Life Book (just have this week’s lesson to do)
  4. My nephew and son have both been excitedly waiting for the latest and last Percy Jackson book. It’s been really fun watching their anticipation. I love that feeling of waiting for a book to come out so you can finally read it.
  5. I’ve already picked my word for 2015. Let’s see if it changes between now and November.
  6. I’ve been thinking about December Daily. I want to do a mixed media one this year, I think. Just not sure how it will be formatted. I need some time to think, plan, imagine.
  7. I’ve also been thinking about my projects for next year. My plan is to have one watercolor notebook and one acrylic one and just do all my projects in one or the other. I think….
  8. My son’s really into music and I love watching him sing and how he’s learning to play guitar. There’s nothing like music that speaks to your soul.
  9. So many people have emailed me to say they love my little one’s smiling face. It’s so sweet to hear.
  10. I miss my parents. My sister. My nephews. I miss my friends at home.
  11. I want to be better at keeping in touch with my friends all over. Another thing I never make proper time for.
  12. I’ve been reading Howard Jacob’s J for a while now and can’t seem to get through it but I also refuse to put it down.
  13. I have some important meetings this week that might determine how the next few years unfold. Please pray for me if that’s your thing. Or just send good wishes my way.
  14. I made a list of 12 nonfiction books and 12 art books and I am thinking of attacking one each month and actually making progress using the books I’ve bought.
  15. I’m 24 days into the Whole Life Challenge. And it’s challenging. I am hungry and tired a bunch. And I have not lost as much weight as I would have liked by now.
  16. I am trying to treat myself with some grace over the latest grumpiness.
  17. But I had told myself I had until the end of September to get organized again. It’s officially October.
  18. I hope you sign up for my class.

That’s it from me for now. I am sorry for the uninspiring posts lately. If you’re still around I’d love to hear from you on how you’re doing.

Listen with Intent – Week 40

For this month, I picked Listen Carefully. I wanted to go deeper this month. Notice what I am missing. What am I not paying attention to? What more could I see? Am I misinterpreting anything? I just wanted to pay attention even further.

Here’s the pin where I got the lettering..


Listen with Intent is a project for 2014. You can read more about it here.

Today I Know - Week 39

This week’s inspiration also comes from Sketchbook Skool. Another assignment about drawing fast and slow. I drew with orange paint fast and then went over it with pen. I used watercolors on this page. I am not loving it but here we are.

prompt says: today i know that silence makes me feel…


Today I Know is a project for 2014. You can read more about it here.

A Book a Week – Tiny Beautiful Things

I picked up Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar thanks to Andrea Scher’s book. Considering how I felt about Cheryl Strayed after Wild, I am not sure why I picked it up.

But I am so glad I did.

I loved every bit of this book.

The advice is heartfelt, kind and honest. It’s meaningful and I felt so much of it was meaningful to me even if I wasn’t experiencing the same situation. It reminded me how we can be so messed up as humans but all we seek is love and we can always do the right thing, be kind, and recover from any situation.

Also reminded me that in my heart and soul, I know what’s right and wrong (for me) and I need to listen to myself more.

Savor Project – 2014 – Spread Thirty-Three

Still catching up from the summer.

so happy.


Savor Project is a project for 2014. You can read more about it here.

Remember This – Week 38

Life Book week 31 was an assignment from Mika Diaz. It was about using tracing paper to transfer a drawing into your art journal.

I had a lot of layers and fun with mine and used all my My mind’s Eye products to make a fun background with shiny layers coming from within.

It says: you can choose peace.


Remember This is a project for 2014. You can read more about it here.

Whole Life Challenge Update

I’ve now been doing the Whole Life Challenge for seventeen days. This means that for the last seventeen days, I’ve been exercising daily, drinking a ton of water, stretching every day and most significantly not eating chocolate, not drinking diet coke or lattes. Also not eating bread, cheese, corn, milk, and any processed food.

Add to that the fact that I don’t cook and one would think I’ve had nothing to eat. Considering all that, I will say that it hasn’t been nearly as challenging as it sounds. (Though there’ve been plenty of challenging moments.) I’ve basically been sticking to a pretty consistent breakfast-lunch-dinner routine daily.

Breakfast: Black Coffee + Water + Whole Grain Oatmeal (i’ve been eating these) with raspberries and blueberries

Lunch: Big salad with lettuce, carrots, beets, broccoli, asparagus, tomatoes, celery and then I add chicken or lentils or beans and blueberries or honeydew + water + tea

Snack: My big salad takes a while to eat, but if i am hungry, I’ll make some more coffee and have a few nuts of a bit of a lara bar or some fruit (sometimes i have all of these things.)

Dinner: Dinner is trickiest for me. Sometimes I am really not hungry so I will have some yogurt, some tea/cofffee/linden tea. If I am hungry, I will eat an Amy’s Bowl (this and this are compliant for my level). If I am still hungry I might eat some more of my Lara bar or almonds.

I usually eat my dinner early (5/6pm) and will then possibly snack at 7 with a fruit. I usually go to bed no later than 9pm since I wake up at 5am.

Here are a few other things I do:

  • Once a week, I will cook 6-7 chicken patties to have a week’s worth of chicken.
  • I go to Whole Foods to get carrot and beet salad because I like them and am too lazy to grate them myself
  • I will make one big omelette with 3 eggs on Sundays and put a lot of veggies in it just to experiment and have fun. It’s easy to eat a lot of eggs on this diet and so I am trying not to get too dependent on eggs as I want to keep my diet vegetable heavy.
  • I will also make Almond and Peanut butter when I am at Whole Foods and if I am hungry or craving chocolate, I will grab a spoonful of either
  • I haven’t been to many social events yet but now that I have 17 days under my belt, I am considerably less worried, though we’ll see
  • It’s getting better but I still really dislike the taste of black coffee. It still sort of tastes like what I imagine eating cigarettes to be.
  • Apparently my vitamin B is really low so I’ve changed my supplement to be B3 per my doctor’s advice

I know this doesn’t seem like a lot of food but I am never hungry. Most of the time, I am eating because I am bored and having these limited options allows me to make wiser choices during those moments. And eventually I hope I will stop eating because I am bored and only eat when I am actually hungry.

The exercise has also been going well. I stopped being incredibly sore after day three. I still hurt while I exercise so I know I am pushing myself but it’s not the acute, cannot-walk pain from the first days. Progress.

I haven’t measured myself again but I did get on the scale last week and I’ve lost some weight already but most importantly, I just feel good about finally changing the way I eat and getting a lot more vegetables in my system every single day.

Let’s see what the next seventeen days brings.

ps: in case I haven’t mentioned, I am now Instagramming occasionally.

Listen with Intent – Week 39

For this week, I picked participate. Before saying goodbye to September, I wanted to try one more intention around being social. I wanted to take it up one notch from showing up so I chose participate. Not just get there but be there, join in, be a part of whatever’s going on. Even if it feels like I am not welcome, I almost always am. I just have to be willing to try.

Here’s the pin where I got the lettering..


Listen with Intent is a project for 2014. You can read more about it here.

Nathaniel Reads to Mommy – Week 19


Nathaniel Reads to Mommy is a project for 2014 that I am doing with my 4.5-year-old son. You can read more about it here.

Today I Know – Week 38

This week’s inspiration comes from Sketchbook Skool. I was taking one of their classes and the assignment was to draw a self portrait. Apparently it doesn’t look like me but alas, i tried. I used pencil and pastels on this page. I am not sure if I like it….

prompt says: today i know that i feel best when I am


Today I Know is a project for 2014. You can read more about it here.