I know I am behind in my stories but I am in Zurich at the moment so it’s not possible for me to go back and add them. I figured while I am here I can tell the story of this week. I was scheduled to come to Zurich for a business trip this week. Actually, originally I wasn’t planning on coming. We have a quarterly meeting for my greater team and I knew the April one would be in Zurich and I had decided it wasn’t worth it for me to come this time around. It was to be right after my kids’ Spring Break and I felt like I’d taken too many trips recently.
I was invited to an amazing weekend that I really wanted to go to instead. Something special that would have been really good for my soul and it would mean I got to meet some of the people I’ve wanted to meet in person for a long time. Even though I really wanted to go to this event, I wasn’t sure it was ok to leave my kids and husband for something so much for me. Especially in the middle of Spring Break.
As I was grappling with that decision, another team that I work with in Mountain View and NYC decided they would all go to Zurich for this April conference.
Which now meant I was going too.
As I bought tickets for the flight, I decided I would leave a few days early and go home to Istanbul for the weekend instead and get to see my family. I was excited to see all of them in person for the first time since last summer (except my mom whom I was fortunate to see during my last trip to Zurich in January). As the date approached, however, I began stressing about the recent events there and got worried that something might happen or somehow I wouldn’t be able to get back to my kids. Even though I could tell it was supremely irrational, I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head.
I struggled with the decision for days, even up to the moment at the Zurich airport when I had to decide whether to get on the next plane or to leave and go to my hotel. I ended up going to my hotel and not taking the trip home. I then proceeded to be sad for the next 40 hours. I felt terrible for not being home with my family but I also felt emotionally and physically exhausted. On Saturday, I was so sad that I decided I had to leave the hotel room and go take a walk. I snapped this photo as I walked around Schipfe where I sat down with coffee and my book.
As I write this, I am sitting in my bed, still sad that I didn’t go home. Even though deep down I know it wasn’t meant to be this time around, I can’t stop myself from feeling like I disappointed my family, I chose not to be brave, and I missed my chance to see the people I love so much. I have been going round and round in my head and in my heart. I’ve been holding tight to the disappointment.
As it happens sometimes.
Sometimes I make a decision and I struggle with it for a long, long time. And maybe I will never know if this was right or wrong but I do know that part of being an adult is living with the decisions I make. I am trying to rest, write, do art, spend a lot of time video chatting with my family, and doing my best to enjoy this unexpected weekend in Zurich.
Grateful that the people who love me are kind enough to forgive me and love me anyway.
Stories from 2016 is a year-long project for 2016. You can read more about my projects for 2016 here.