My question of the day is: Do you help a friend who’s walking down the wrong path?
A few years ago, I would have said, “Absolutely.” Assuming this was a friend whom I feel close to and can be honest with, I would do anything necessary to ‘save’ my friend.
I’m not so sure anymore.
First of all, who makes me the judge of whether a path is right or wrong? How do I know what path is better for my friend? I feel like it’s conceded of me to assume I know what’s best for someone else. I can’t even be entirely sure what’s best for my own self.
‘Fixing’ my friend, besides implying that she’s broken also implies that I am qualified to fix her. Am I willing to take the responsibility that my way may not work out for her? Am I sure my solution will actually work?
While I am now willing to admit that telling my friend he is fucking up his life is a very cocky assumption, I still don’t know the best course of action. What if my friend has a habit that might cause her to permanently harm herself physically? What if my friend is putting her life at risk? What if he’s putting other people’s lives at risk? Where is the line? When should I move from ‘supporting-mode’ to ‘meddling-mode’? Is it ever really okay to meddle?
I understand the how presumptuous it sounds to say that I can ‘fix’ someone’s life. I understand that people have different past. Different personalities. Different priorities. Different paths. I understand that something that looks one way from the outside may be completely different from the inside. I get all that.
At the same time, I wonder if there’s a point where, as a friend, it is my place to take action. To give more than support. To stop waiting.
Is there such a point? Or is it always best to wholeheartedly and non-judgmentally support your friends regardless of the paths they take or the decisions they make?
And do these rules change if it’s a family member as opposed to a friend? What about a sibling?
I simply don’t know the answers anymore.
That’s a tough question to answer: luckily, I’ve never had to meddle in a friend’s life.
However, if I feel a friend is making a wrong choice, I’ll first try to determine if there are more people who agree with me. Or if I’m alone, if my conviction is strong enough. Obviously, the final decision has to be made by the friend. I’ll only try to see that he/she can make an informed choice objectively.
Y’know, recently an ex-college classmate of mine killed herself- she was depressed. And when I heard about it, I felt really bad about not having been there to help her change her mind. Much as I like to let everyone make their own mistakes and learn, this was clearly something I’d’ve wanted to ‘meddle’ in so that I could change the outcome.
Certainly a question that is difficult to answer. However, the answer is even more difficult and risky to act upon.
Part of what makes the question difficult to answer is that there is no universal answer. I also believe the answer seems difficult because we can easily see that implementing any answer, action or inaction, is loaded with risk. When we care for another, we neither want to do harm or to lose the person. It is important to realize that this risk component is uanvoidable.
The formula for risk versus action/inaction? Consider the plight of a courier who was tasked with delivering an unpleasant message to some clients in the middle east. The message demanded that the clients make great change or suffer severe consequences. When the courier arrived at the destination, the courier alerted the management team of just how unpleasant and risky was the delivery of the message. The messenger was told that to not deliver the message was to gain ownership of the consequences, to deliver the message absolved the messenger’s responsibility regardless of what action the clients choose to take.
This story seems to encourage action, however, a subtle message is that the severety of the situation should also become part of our decision process. (Caution: If your action does not directly help, and I don’t mean fuzzy help, like “…it will make you feel better if you….” then don’t do it and don’t try to get help from an untrained associate who may not understand the level of confidential handling required or know sources of support for the situation), Also, while this story encourages our action it does not tell us that we should set ourselves up as cosmic judge or the source of the message. In fact, a caring, listening, friend may be the action needed. An offer of help in finding possible solutions or sources for solutions, without accepting the consequence from (owning) the problem, again may be an appropriate limit. (You cannot bail out your friend if you are in the next cell!) In some cases, and this is beyond us amateurs, an intervention with the help and guidance from an expert may be the the course of action that seems to be the ‘right’ thing to do.
Can any of this guarantee that what you do is absolutely the right thing or that the subject will remain in our debt (stay friends, continue to send greeting cards on holidays, etc.)? I think we do know the answer here. Clearly, we should give thoughtfull consideration before we transition from “support-mode” to “meddling-mode” but I believe the answer is clearly that we should not shun appropriate meddle-mode because as Annie’s comment so clearly demonstrates, there are consequences from our action and from our inaction.
I struggle with this issue every day. I nearly always hang back and let my friends make their own decisions – it’s the only way we learn sometimes, is by making our own mistakes. I believe the only time I would intervene is if I believed that a friend was going to seriouslly harm themselves or someone else with a bad decision – and still, that’s a hard approach to take!