I suck at waiting.

I suck at unclear.

I suck at undecided.

As of Saturday, my life was semi-decided, my part of the world was almost completely under control whereas Jake’s was still topsy turvy. I was semi-freaked out but also happy that my resolutions had worked out.

Saturday morning, Jake’s life made a big leap into the world of fantastic. Suddenly, he had options, each better than the previous. It was time for us to sit down and have a talk. A long talk. One of those you-know-you-have-to-but-wish-you-didn’t talks. One where we knew there was no safe path to walk, no one right answer. No one perfect solution.

We talked about the near future, the far future, the unknowns, the what-if, the but-what-about-mes, the beginning of a world of compromises. A few hours into it, I became confident this path wouldn’t lead us to answers. I knew the talk was going nowhere and I was getting more excitable by the minute. I told him we had to stop talking and I had to sleep.

I like to sleep when I feel the depression come on. It’s preferable to the uncontrollable crying. Wouldn’t you agree?

A few hours of sleep gave me all the answers. The ones I knew but was unwilling to admit. It made me realize that I needed to choose us over me and our combined goals over my personal ones. It sounds easy, but let me be the first to tell you: it’s not.

Once the decision was made, Jake’s life switched to steady and all-good and mine got completely destroyed. I had to go back to square one and travel the path once more. I had to beg, pray and wait.

I’m not good at waiting. Since Saturday morning, I’ve been alternating between vegging out in front of the TV and sleeping. I’ve avoided pretty much everyone, as well as my site. I had no motivation to do anything until I knew.

Well, now I know.

And as Heather would say, “It’s all good, baby”.

Previously? Loss of Identity.

4 comments to Finally

  • Just a sympathetic soul sending ((((hugs)))).. because a lot of this entry sounded like an echo. Thank you for sharing.

  • Don’t think of it as your life getting completely destroyed. It’s just a new beginning, and maybe even a better path than the one you were expecting. I trust it will all work out for you and Jake.

  • daphna

    Hate to use a cliche, but G-d/TheMetaphysical/Zeus works in mysterious ways. When I feel similarly depressed I also sleep and put it all into the hands of Fate. BTW — i miss you.

  • thank you so much Talis, i can’t tell you how relieved i am that it all worked out in the end.

    and daphna and rony, you guys are wonderful as always and i miss you too, daphna. terribly.

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