31 More Things – 4 – She Says

These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.

So here’s my day four – she says.

(journaling below)

Journaling:
My first instinct with this post was to write all the things I say all day long. Then I was thinking I can write about what I want to say but I don’t. And then I thought that I already say most of what I want to. So I was back to square one and unsure what I should write about when I realized that all I really want to write about is saying the most important thing I want to make sure to remember to say (and, no, it’s not “i love you.” I say that a lot and I mean it each time. So that’s an easy one for me.)

The one that’s harder and the one I want to make sure to remember is to say: nothing.

It’s so easy for me to speak without thinking when I am angry or hurt. It’s so easy for me to yell. It’s so easy for me to say things that I regret soon after. Sometimes it’s not even something horrible but I still say words I’d rather not say. Words that I am not proud of. Words that I remember later and feel sad I said. I always apologize. And I am getting better at apologizing even when I feel like it’s not my fault. I don’t make things a matter of pride. I have learned to let go over the years and I know that what matters most is for us to move forward and let go of anger, resentment, hurt, etc. So I apologize. Every single time, if that’s what it takes.

Even though I apologize every time and the people who love me do forgive me, I still want to do better. I want to stop myself before I get to the point where I have said things that need an apology. I want to be better at responding and not reacting. Not always jumping the gun. Not always answering right away. There are times when I react to what’s happening too quickly and if I can just wait a beat or two, I would say something totally different. Or say anything at all.

This one is for me. It’s not so others can like me more or so I can apologize less. It’s because I want the words that come out of my mouth to be aligned with who I want to be in the world. I want to be kind. I want the people in my life to know that what matters most to me is for them to see how much I love them and how they mean the world to me. I want my words to be kind, generous, and loving. Sure there will be tough moments, but I want to walk through them with grace. I want to remember the big picture. And in moments of weakness, I want to choose silence over unkindness.