“But he’s groping behind his aviator sunglasses for the point of his anecdote – that forgiveness is ultimately less self-destructive than the bitter desire for revenge. Or perhaps that there is no such thing as revenge, in the sense that it never actually offsets the original grievance. ” – Michael Lewis in Trail Fever
I don’t believe in keeping tabs. At least I don’t want to.
While I am quite difficult to anger, once someone crosses me, especially someone on whom I’d placed my complete trust, I rarely ever forgive. The heartbreaking experience of being hurt to my core seems to leave a deep trace in my soul.
Compared to many others, I haven’t suffered any major disasters in my life, so when I run across stories of people who’ve suffered intolerable torture and are still able to forgive their offenders, I feel small. I feel petty.
As much as I don’t believe in the necessity of revenge, I also haven’t been able to forgive as easily as I should. I think the above quote is a perfect explanation of why revenge is useless. People seek revenge with the hopes that they can undo some terrible sadness or unfairness that occurred many years ago. Over the years sadness gives place to anger and bitterness. They focus all of their energy towards their enemy and grow to believe that if only they could seek revenge, all would be all right with the world once again. And, inevitably, it never works out that way.
Revenge leaves a bad taste in the person’s mouth. It becomes misplaced anger, an emotion that surfaces way after its time. It resolves nothing and the person suddenly realizes he’s wasted his entire life looking forward to this one moment which fails to deliver the magic. Talk about a wasted emotion.
While I don’t live my life with the hopes of seeking revenge, I certainly do have a hard time forgiving people who hurt me. People who take my kindness and generosity for granted. People who forget that I have feelings.
But it’s time to grow up. Time to let go. Time to learn to be a bigger person.
Time to forgive.
Previously? Know It All.
You can forgive someone without speaking to them, without exposing them to yourself again. Your relationship with a hurtful person was a gift, for them as well as yourself. By not speaking to them (or exposing yourself to them) you are not being vengeful or continuing to give to them. You are simply protecting yourself.
But you can forgive. We all screw up and when and if you can forget the hurt, you are giving to all the rest of us.
Forgiveness is so hard, because TRUE forgiveness means erasing the debt of the person you’re forgiving. But you know what? It’s the most liberating thing you can ever do for yourself.
Forgiveness means – in short -that since the person no longer owes you anything – because you have erased that debt – you can live freely and taking responsibility for yourself. And the beauty of forgiveness, is that it happens solely within YOU. The other person never has to know it happened. If you want to tell them, you are FREE to do so, if not, you are JUST as free not to. It’s all about taking responsibility for your feelings, seeing which ones will free you, and acting. Freedom is yours to own, and *I* personally think freedom within the scope of human relationships begins with forgiveness.
Bravo, Karen.