This morning started out very very rough. Nathaniel has not been sleeping well and even when he sleeps, I have not been sleeping. Maybe nerves, or stuff on my mind. Who knows? All I know is that I am not getting enough sleep. This morning I was in so much pain, I wanted to cry. I literally had to drag myself out of bed to take David to school. I was functioning below average all day and felt like I was in a daze. More like I was slapped all night long.
Nathaniel decided to skip his morning nap, too. Which made things that much more stressful and tiring. I guess that’s what I guess for telling the universe that his naps have been going well. I still forced myself to drive slowly when I went to pickup David though. Especially in my less-than-aware state, I didn’t want to risk getting into any accidents.
By mid-afternoon I was feeling 15% better. Nathaniel has learned how to climb on top of things to get to where he needs to be. Can’t say the boy isn’t resourceful. And he loves walking over to David’s table and patting on it while David eats. Look at my boy eating those veggies he hates so much.
And here’s one of the big boy, lest you think I neglect him. He’s so beautiful, it takes my breath away. He’s been so good this last year. Between my tough pregnancy and the many many sleepless nights I’ve now had, I’ve been much grouchier than usual but my boy has been strong and kind to me. He even said today “Don’t worry Mommy tomorrow is a new day.” How do you not love that boy?
Oh and I should mention there was an earthquake today, around 10:13or so. I was in the living room, feeding Nathaniel. It was quite small but creepy nonetheless.
Here’s to hoping I get some sleep tonight or I might just break.
Note to Self:
I’m normally a very type-A person. I rush from one place to another. I speak super-fast. I am demanding and annoying and tend to get my way. Persistent is the nice word for it. But today I was just the opposite. I was so tired that I just didn’t have the fight in me. I did most everything slowly, more deliberately because I needed the extra effort to focus. I gave in more quickly and decided it just wasn’t worth the energy to try and resolve certain things so they were the way I wanted them. At some point in the day, I wondered how my life would be if I just were this kind of person. If I did things more slowly, more deliberately, not just to get them done. And if I just didn’t fight/stress/worry over the details and try to get my way. If I just accepted things, went with the flow. How would life be? How would I be?
I’m not sure to be honest. There are good things about my being so type-A. It’s one of my strong suits. I get stuff done. Ask any of my managers and they’ll say it’s what makes me great at my job. I am reliable. I am organized. I make sure our family’s needs get met and stuff is in order, etc. etc. I have many weaknesses but this is more of a strength generally. But sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I relaxed more. Worried less. Got less done. Who knows?
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. We booked a short vacation today. In a ski resort. With some friends. I am a bit apprehensive about it. But also really grateful and looking forward to it. Last time we went on vacation with friends was over ten years ago.
2. I grew up in a place where labor is cheap and it’s common to have help. We had a maid and a driver, etc. But I am really uncomfortable with all that now. It’s one of the reasons I don’t have anyone helping with Nathaniel while I work. I don’t like being served. I know this says something about me but I am too tired to analyze it now. The one indulgence we do have is a cleaning lady who comes every other week. And even though I always dread the day she comes, I am always so happy when she’s cleaned our place. We’ve been pretty neat in this house but it’s still a magical feeling when she leaves and my house is sparkling. So I am really grateful for her.
3. I was thinking today how grateful I am for all of you who come visit me here and leave me kind comments. For most of you I’m a practical stranger who posts about her kids and random stuff and yet you come, you say hi, you make my day. Thank you. I can not put into words how much your words mean to me.
How can I visit and NOT leave a comment for this post?! Maybe your relaxing a bit will come with time. With two little boys at home, now is not the time to relax! Riley was a year old before I hired someone to come in twice a week for short days (9 to 3). It was hard letting go everyday but that time alone was wonderful. We also have a cleaning service that comes every other week. I shudder to think what this house would look like if they didn’t come. Today I am off to the Mac store to take in my refurbished Christmas present. I have not been able to load my printer/scanner software and last night when I tried rebooting it, it restarted without all the photos I had loaded on it, the desktop set up was completely different. It had asked me a strange question at some point during the process about needing more space and I unknowingly pressed “continue” so I think it all got compressed somewhere – it’s the “where” and how to get it all back that is frustrating me. I also need to get more ram, so I’ll take care of that at the same time. As a Mac person, I figured you would understand and let me blather on for a bit. I hope today is better for you, less tired and less pain. Our kids are able to see clearly and have the most amazing things to tell us when we need to hear it.
My OLW for this year, my first, is TRANSFORM. I am also a Type-A, need to do everything for everybody, get it done quickly but correctly…you know where I’m coming from. I want to TRANSFORM myself into the happy Mom I was for my now 18-year old. We also have 6- and 4-year olds (girls), who have come to know that grouchier Mom. I guess because I am older (46 in March), stayed home for a second time after having babies and trying to figure out who I am, I have let the little things get to me and forget to look at the big picture. So, I want to TRANSFORM me into the me I used to be, to TRANSFORM some of the things I love doing into a vocation/career/way to help out the family, and I want to TRANSFORM how I react to everyday struggles. So, I understand where you are right now. I am working on that, too, minus the pain you’re feeling. And, I have noticed that not yelling, slowing down, being more introspective has helped the “climate” in our house. Blessings to you and your way to a better you.
Like Kim, I am feeling compelled to leave a comment. I don’t do it often enough compared to the pleasure I take in reading your post. I find them inspiring/comforting (as a mom to a 1-year old boy)/entertaining. Your kids are very cute and it’s fun to compare what my son and Nathaniel are doing, even though Nathaniel is a bit younger.
So thanks for sharing your thoughts and a bit of your life!
Karen,
To know you is to love you. I come daily. Sometimes twice a day to watch the changes in Nathaniel. I love being here and reading about your life. I am grateful that as a Type-A, you do all that you do. It inspires me. Thank you and have a peaceful sleep tonight.