I was very relaxed today. I spent the day reading and playing with my boys. I was calm and collected most of my day and felt peaceful. Not rushed, not stressed, not like I wasn’t doing something I was supposed to. Days like this are rare for me.
In the afternoon little boy and I took a walk together. Just a little stroll where he sucked on his thumb and looked around and I snapped some photos and we both got some fresh air. And then I snapped a few of him. My wonderful boy.
Note to Self:
Several thoughts on my mind today. As I lay in bed, reading my book, I realized why I love reading so much. Reading doesn’t require anything from me. When I write, when I create art, when I take photos, I judge my work all the time. I strive to do better. I work hard. I am impatient. Judging. Not good enough. It sucks a piece of my soul every time no matter what. Yet reading demands nothing of me but my presence. It gives me things. It gives me thoughts, feelings, connection, joy. I love reading. It will always be my first true love.
As I was walking around today I realized that photography gives me two big presents. One is that I remember better. My memory has never been so great, I forget things all the time. And yet when I take a photo of a moment, not only does the photo preserve it, but I seem to remember it all better just due to the fact that I took a moment to photograph that. The act of preservation on paper, preserves it in my brain. The other wonderful thing photography gave me is that I now see the world more. I pay attention more. I look at the details. The colors. The small bits of water hanging on to leaves. The tiny buds waiting to emerge. Things that most people walk by, things that usually go unnoticed. I see them. I feel them. Photography helps me live the world more alive. More aware. What a great gift.
I have been eating really badly lately. Not the burger and fries kind but the coffee and graham cracker kind. Some days I will eat a bunch of crackers, some yogurt and two coffees for my whole day’s meal. I am still nursing 6-8 times a day so this is not only bad for me but it’s also bad for the baby. All this processed food is keeping my energy level low and isn’t adding anything to my already sleep-deprived state. This was one of the first years I didn’t even think to resolve to lose weight. I am done with diets. I don’t want to live my life that way. But I do want to eat healthier. I want to have better eating habits. Set a better example for my children. So I decided to start something new. Once a week, I will cook veggies for the week and cut up a ton of fruit and put it in the fridge. This way, each time I open the fridge there’s something healthy and fresh ready to eat. It might not work, but it’s certainly worth a try.
I’ve noticed that I am so impatient. I rarely like to revise my words. I am so done with them once they are out of me. I rush through my art, even processing my photos. I hate leaving pieces undone. I don’t take my time. I rush rush rush to finish. I wonder what would happen to my art if I slowed down, if I took several hours or days to get it done. Will it end up better? Or what if I just gave myself 30 minutes? Does the output quality actually change? Would my art look different? I wonder…
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. That little walk in the afternoon. I rarely take them and they always make me feel better. I should take more walks.
2. Watching a movie in bed with my husband, holding hands. Can life get any better than that, really?
3. Feeling like I have no reason to rush. Being able to take it easy even if just for a day. I meant to take a bubble bath today. I’ll have to do that tomorrow.
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