Words spill from my mouth before I can think. Even as I’m saying them I know it’s going to end bad. Yet I can’t stop myself.
We’ve been here so many times before. At one point, these words had become second nature. They felt comfortable and common, like chewing gum as we say in my language. We’d yell them out without any consideration or worry about hurting the other person. Something small would become the most important issue ever.
But not lately. We’ve been much better. Which is why I’m mad at myself for using the same words, the same tone. I desperately try to get a hold of my thoughts but my emotions are on overdrive. Inside my head, I scream at myself. I take a few deep breaths and finally manage to stop.
Tears are trickling down my cheeks. I whisper, “You knew what I would say and you’re now mad cause I said it.”
He concurs. I guess we both wish I were different. But do people truly ever change?
“Just do whatever you want. It’ll be fine either way.” I’m in too much physical pain to go through this.
He knows what that means. He’s frustrated, but he’s not mad. I know he loves me. No one else would put up with this much. I feel like hugging him. I hate it when he’s away.
“I mean it. Go, have fun.” To my surprise, I do mean it. I don’t have the strength to make a big deal out of it.
He tells me he loves me and we hang up. I start wondering why I don’t mind. Did I stop caring about us? Do I love him less? Is it just that the physical pain is overpowering everything else?
Or is it that I’ve finally begun to really trust him?
Not really. But I wouldn’t realize that for another year, which was when I learned that sometimes it’s best to cut your losses and let go.
Previously? People I Like
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