I really liked this fast-paced story about Catherine who is a nurse at an elderly home and her mother, Ruth. They have been together all their lives and have a very close dependable relationship. Until things start to unravel. Catherine catches her mother in one lie, and then another, until she is not sure she can believe anything her mom says and their paths start forking.
This story goes back and forth between the present time and Ruth’s diary entires about her past. While I liked the diary entries, it felt a bit like telling more than showing so made those parts of the story feel like I was reading someone’s synopsis of a book.
Unlike so many mystery books, this one didn’t have any dislikable characters and I found myself rooting both for the mom and the daughter. I read this one in a single sitting and I am sure you will, too.
With gratitude to netgalley and St. Martin’s Press for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.
One of the things I want to be open to changing this year is how things have to feel. I like to work hard and I like being helpful and getting things done.
I think over the years this has meant that life feels hard. My calendar is full, my email is overflowing and I am perpetually behind. Or I must be doing something wrong.
This year, my goal is to shift this mentality. I would like things to feel easy. I don’t want to glorify being busy and I want to teach myself that hard work and productivity doesn’t have to feel hard and is not the same as busy work.
We climbed so much in 2021 that I had made a lot of progress and could climb pretty tough routes.
And then Jake broke his collarbone in 2022, and then had a trip to Italy and then one to Vietnam. This means 2022 was considerably less climbing focused.
Which meant I lost much of my skill and stamina.
So 2023 is about building it back. Because that’s how life goes: some steps forward and then some steps back and we just keep showing up and keep doing what gives us joy. It’s more about the journey and less about the destination.
Staying open to the possibility that the second time around, I’m building on a stronger foundation and not starting from scratch.
I know some people prefer to ignore.it when they are feeling bad. They will distract themselves, they will make a joke, they will minimize it or just not acknowledge it at all.
They will want to skip over it.
That’s not me.
I am comfortable sitting tough things. I can sit with others in their tough stuff and I can sit with my tough stuff. In fact, I believe it’s when most growth happens. It’s another way of staying open and present with what is. Not covering it up, not glossing over it but sitting in the discomfort so I can eventually move through it.
Happy Friday. I am ready and grateful for the weekend even though it’s expected to come with a lot more rain.
I got to connect with an old colleague today and I remembered again how easy it can be with people who know you and see you. And how comforting that can feel.
Establishing new relationships and trust takes time and energy. But it’s a worthwhile investment. So as long as all parties stay open and curious, it’s an investment I’m willing to make. Let’s see if they are.
I am tired today. There are a lot of reasons to close back up and retract into my shell. There are reasons to want to close down and protect myself.
And yet my goal is still to find ways to stay open. And also get curious. What’s triggering me? Why am I shutting down? What am I making it all mean? Does this really matter to me? And if so, why?
If I want to stay open, I have to lean into curiosity. I have to welcome the discomfort so I can sit with it and move through it.
It’s the only way out.
It’s time to journal, to meditate and sit with the discomfort. Let’s see where it takes me.
Open Book: I’ve journaled since I was 6 years old. It is still the best way for me to hear my thoughts and feelings, see myself and figure out next steps.
It helps me connect with myself, acknowledge my feelings and stay grounded in the present moment. I’ve been known to open my journal and write in the middle of a meeting in lieu of doing something I might regret.
I am so grateful for it.
Ps: this beautiful journal cover is from @cottonstitchca, it’s cork with shiny rainbow colors and it’s soft and really stunning in person. I don’t know her and this is not an ad, I just love it.
I am not sure if this is a trend or it’s a backslide or if I should worry or rejoice but I think for the first time in a long, long time, I don’t want to set specific goals that are tied to days. This might mean I do a lot less or it might mean I venture into new things, I don’t know and I get to always choose a different path if it’s not working but for now, I decided I don’t want to track, count, or measure things. I want to give myself grace, rest, space this year. Here are some themes I plan to focus on and we’ll see what form they take.
Staying open: Still trying to figure out if I will insta daily again, I go back and forth, we’ll see where I land on day 1.
Art: I have done so so much art in 2022. I didn’t post any of it, not sure why but I loved doing it. I filled 4-5 journals and I hope to continue to do more. Watercolors, sketching, whatever else I might stumble upon.
Reflection: Not sure about the reflection this year. I liked doing the monthly reflection but somehow it all fell apart towards the end of the year so I might or might not do it.
Wellness: This is continued area of struggle and focus for me. Taking care of my body, my skin, my health, sleep, nutrition, exercise. I will continue to focus on this. And I might or might not also write about it we’ll see.
Reading – I read a lot this year. I continued to read netgalley/edelweiss ARC books as well as audiobooks from the library and audible. I plan to continue this next year. I will continue tracking them on goodreads.
Here’s to a year of continuing to do what brings me joy and continuing to stay open to whatever magic might come and surprise me.
Open to showing up anyway: I woke up tired today and never really recovered all day. I spent the day reading on the couch. Read a whole book from start to finish and did nothing else.
When the end of the day was getting near, I said yes ok we can go climbing. I didn’t want to. I was sore. I was tired and I have work tomorrow.
But I’ve been focusing on doing things that I know I will be glad I did. I often ask myself what will I regret less? I never ever regret going climbing.
So off we went. Open to showing up even when I don’t feel like it.
As with all the previous years, I knew I wanted to pick my core desired feelings this year, too. If you want to know more about core desired feelings, please go to my post from 2016 and you can see the links there.
Like last year, the words came to me easily this year as well because I know exactly which feelings I am hoping to cultivate and which feelings feel good to me right now.
So walking into this year, I knew exactly what I wanted to hold on to. What core desired feelings I had. I chose: soft, surrender, equanimity, spacious, magic and trust.
Here’s what I came up with this year and what they each mean to me:
Soft: This is the peaceful word of this year. I want to feel light and peace and joy and ease. I want to feel quietly soft.
Surrender: I want to let it all be. I don’t want to keep track, manipulate, control or contrive anymore. I don’t want to optimize. I don’t want to count. I just want to surrender to what is. I want to be here in this moment and I want to listen to myself and trust the universe. Trust myself. I want to release everything. It’s a crucial step in being open to what comes and what is.
Equanimity: I love this word. I have felt it more this year than ever before. I felt that mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper. Emotional stability. It always results in unwavering kindness, expansiveness and deep peace.
Spacious: This is the way I feel when I am really open. I feel possibility and I feel abundance. I feel like I have room to breathe. Room to fully open myself up. to take up space.
Magic: And I think I want to hold a little closer to magic again this year. I want to feel that spark, that joy. that possibility.
Trust: This one showed up very last minute but it took a hold of me and it wouldn’t leave. Trust that you are right where you need to be today. Trust the timing of the universe. Trust yourself. Yes.
I love all of these. As always, I can immediately connect with the feeling I get when I say these words. I feel full. I feel content knowing these are the words I want for myself. They feel exciting and loving.
Here’s to a year of being open to staying soft and spacious, surrendering fully, and embracing equanimity and magic.
Open Mind: I spent some of today reading Emma Grove’s graphic novel about being transgender and having dissociative identity disorder. I’m grateful to people who share their stories so the rest of us can learn and understand better.
I can be hit or miss on Moriarty’s books and I didn’t want something that was a gimmick so I kept picking this book up and putting it back down. But as my vacation winds down, I felt the pull towards something light and flowing. And I knew she would deliver.
This book turned out to be surprising for me. There wasn’t one big twist or revelation. In fact, as woman who’s been married 20+ years with teenage kids, there was a lot of interesting food for thought in this story if you’re willing to look past the superficial bits.
It was an interesting narrative on the stories we tell ourselves and how time and experiences can alter our perspective in ways that feel irredeemable. And yet how we always (at any moment) have the option to change the course of our life and choose what we remember or where we shine the light.
Resentment breeds more resentment and gratitude breeds more gratitude. I am very glad I read this book.
