Another from our night shoot from weeks ago. As you can see, these
are not processed as well as they could be. Now, I am especially glad
that we did the shoot since I don’t think I’ll be near a beach at
night anytime soon again. Beautiful La Jolla.
 Since reading Kafka on the Shore, I couldn’t stop
thinking about the book, so recently I went and bought another one by
Murakami. I picked The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle: A Novel
because it’s the novel that made Murakami famous in the US. This book
is considerably longer and thicker than Kafka and more convoluted. It
resolves a bit more but not a huge lot. There were bits that were
common to both novels but that didn’t bother me. I feel like maybe if
I read more of his work, I might get closer to solving the puzzle of
his stories. I now have to go buy all of his books. Easy to read,
difficult to understand.
 Since Google has a reputation
for having harrowing interviews, I thought it best to prepare as much
as possible. Even though I wasn’t sure if The Search would be
helpful, I figured it couldn’t hurt. It turned out to be a
fascinating read and gave me a lot to think about and a lot to talk
about. If you don’t know a lot about the history of search and if it
does interest you, I would highly recommend this read. Despite the
cover design, the book is not solely about Google and explores the
full history of search engines.
 I also read The Google Story,
again, hoping that it might give me some insight or clever
conversation pieces. I’ll be fully honest that I haven’t finished
this one. Partly because I only had ten days between the phone
interview and the on-site one and I read non-fiction much more
slowly. This is much more specific to Google and it’s more personal
and less about search. It’s more about the people behind the story
and about how the company got started. At least so far. More
interesting if you’re into the company story. Also, well-written.
I think these might fill the non-fiction quota of this and last month.
Two weeks ago, Jake, David and I flew to Florida for Jake’s
grandmother’s funeral. While we were there, Jake’s mom wanted to take
a walk by the late and feed the ducks. As an overjoyed David walked
around, talking to all the animals, I tried to snap some photos as I
kept an eye on him. They didn’t come out as well as I had hoped but I
wanted to put up a few just for the memory of it.
Another quote I saved from “How to be an Adult:”
In a relationship, this may mean that both parties do not choose
to use the same freedoms or limitations. For example: You feel great
pain when I form outside relationships, even though they are not
sexual. I feel no pain at all about your outside relating. To be
fair, both of us have equal latitude in this area. To be
compassionate, I give up the exercise of my right since it triggers
so much hurt in you – without asking you the same in return.
Meanwhile with compassion for me, you have committed yourself to
working in therapy on your fear and jealousy so thaat eventually i
can related to others with no consequence to you.” The “double
standard” refers to moral issues but not to consciously compassionate
relationships.
I am a firm believer that relationships are never exactly 50-50.
Sometimes one person gives more and other times vice versa. This is
what keeps the balance together. This means when I’m having a
horrible day, it’s ok for me to ask for 75% and I won’t have to feel
like I am being unreasonable just like I can offer 85% on a day when
I’m great and he’s not. For me, this applies to friendships as well.
The above quote is a similar scenario in my opinion. Two people are
never exactly the same. They had different pasts, different
upbringing, carry different residual pain and frustration. People’s
past tends to affect who they become and what they view as right/
wrong. Therefore, the list of things that bother me in a relationship
and the list of things I don’t care about one way or another could be
drastically different than the one my loved one compiled over the
length of his life.
I believe it’s crucial to treat each person like they are an
individual with their own priorities, thus it’s unfair to set rules/
guidelines for a relationship that are always exactly equal. The
quotes example speaks to me perfectly. I think there are two crucial
keys to make this work.
1. You need to communicate. If you don’t tell me that
something bothers you, you can’t blame me for doing it. Over and over
again. I am not here to read your mind. I can’t do it and you
shouldn’t expect me to. Stand up for yourself, be honest and kindly
explain to me that something upsets you and maybe even try to explain
why if you can. Trust me that I will listen and I will care. I won’t
judge. There’s a reason you picked me to share your life with.
2. I need to willingly give up the exercise of my right.
Regardless of our relationship, I am a free person. I can say and do
whatever I want, anytime I want. Being in a relationship means I
exercise the right to not do many things because our relationship is
more important to me than those things. I choose not to do them, not
because you said I can’t but because I respect you and choose not to
hurt you. The choice has to be mine or it will feel like a chore and
it will soon give rise to resentment and anger: two things that can
kill a relationship quickly or slowly but definitely painfully.
I guess it can be summarized like this: “Tell me what you think and
trust me that I will do my best to respect you.”
I used to be very immature and force the people who loved me to do a
particular thing (or, often, not to do it) and it took me many
painful years but I learned that you can’t force anyone to do or be
anything. You can admit that people are different with differing
needs. You can share your fears and worries and hope like crazy that
the person you are with loves you enough to work on them with you or
is patient enough to wait it through while you’re working on them
yourself.
My heart jumps each time the phone rings. Sinks each time it’s not
“the call.”
I check my mail incessantly, hitting refresh in millisecond
increments. If I leave home for an errand or go to the bathroom, I
travel with all the phones. I rush back to the computer hoping it
came in the two minutes I wasn’t clicking.
I create the worst possible scenario in my mind and get myself all
wound up. Why did I even think it was possible? Who am I kidding really?
I listen to an uplifting song and get my second wind. Maybe not
hearing soon is actually a good sign. Maybe this is possible after
all. Maybe. Maybe not. Good news travels fast, they say.
Waiting is exponentially more devastating than even the worst
possible outcome, sometimes. It’s a place where the hopeless and the
most hopeful collide, leaving me incapacitated.
And still, there’s nothing I can do, but wait.
When I was pregnant, I was determined to use Sign Language with David
when he was born. Jake and I went to a book reading on Baby Sign and
I was all gung-ho about it. Somewhere along the line, I was told it’s
best not to start until babies are six months old. So I didn’t start
right away. By the time he turned six month old, we had serious sleep
problems, we started introducing solids and there was way too much
going on for me to think about Sign Language.
A few months ago, I decided to stop feeling so disappointed in myself
and start signing little by little. As opposed to the typical fist
signs like “more”, “change”, and “food,” I picked “show me.” David
often walked into the kitchen and screamed and when I didn’t go see,
he’d come to the living room and scream until I got up and walked
with him back to the kitchen. Each time, he came into the living
room, I’d sign “show me” and I walked back with him. He didn’t seem
to pay much attention, but I kept doing it anyhow. It wasn’t out of
determination as much as boredom. Gave me something to do on the way
to the kitchen and distracted him slightly so he wouldn’t scream as
much.
Two weeks ago, he did the same screaming for something routine but
this time he signed. I thought I was hallucinating and he didn’t do
it again that day. But he did the next day. This time, it was so
clear, I was sure he was actually signing it. Over the last week, he
has become proficient in signing “show me” and uses it constantly. He
also started using “milk” which is a welcome replacement to the
previous “let me pull your shirt enough for you to lift it.”
Signing with David is so much fun. Now, when he wakes up grouchy from
his nap, I sign “show me” which makes him stop and think about what’s
on his mind. Such joy. Now that we’ve started communicating, I have
moved on to “help me”, “please” and “thank you.” Let’s see if we make
progress.
Here’s another one from our recent night shoot.
 When I first heard about this book, I
thought it was yet another in the line of chick-lit like the Devil
Wears Prada or the Shopaholic series. There’s nothing wrong with
those books but I haven’t been able to enjoy them, so I steered clear
of Prep. The book kept coming back into my life. I
read about it everywhere and it was recommended by AskMe. After a few
months, when I ran into it at Costco, I figured maybe it was time to
buy it and read it.
So I did.
Prep was a relatively quick read though it actually took longer than
I thought, especially towards the end. I found the story less and
less interesting as it went along. I related less to the character
than I thought. To be fair, I didn’t go to a prep school. Or maybe I
did but it was in Turkey and it wasn’t boarding and it was all-women.
So I don’t even know why I thought I would relate to it. Having said
that, this book made me feel glad I hadn’t gone to a prep school and
sealed the already-determined fate of my son.
I thought the writing was good. It didn’t get in the way of the
story, which is one of my pet peeves. When the story stopped being
interesting and I stopped caring about the character, I just kept
reading for the momentum of it. Overall, I’d have to say it was okay.
But not fantastic.
David has a little, yellow fabric cube that we bought when he was
born. It came in a set of four and this yellow one has a duck on one
of its faces. If you press hard on this face, it makes the duck quack
three times. No matter what kind of mood he’s in, this sound makes
David laugh out loud.
We should all have such a thing.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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