One of my non-ending struggles is to find a way to “have-it-all.”
I am constantly trying to decide what I should do and what I am willing
to give up in return. Often times, I am not willing to give up anything
completely so I try to do it all and I don’t have enough time to spread
across all so I end up doing a sub-par job at each and I get really
frustrated.
Back when I used to write, I’d always get annoyed that people around me
seemed to send out their stories more often or write so much more than I
did. Of course, many of them had no job or an easy 9-5 job as opposed to
my Wall Street insanity. Today, I face the same struggles. When I don’t
reach a goal as fast as the person next to me, or don’t reach it at all,
I get endlessly disappointed in myself. I feel like life is unfair. I’m
working just as hard as this person but I am not getting the credit.
The fact is I am not. This person is only doing the one thing. I am
doing seventeen things. When I distribute my attention and brain power
across that many things, there’s low chance I will do as well as the
next person (unless they are naturally a lot less skilled than I am,
which is rarely the case.) and it’s not fair for me to expect to.
Yet, I still do and I still get sad when I don’t get the recognition or
the opportunities others do. But then I try to step back and remember
why I do what I do and remember that the next step may not actually be
the best step for me to take. Sometimes opportunities aren’t actually in
the direction I want to go and it’s hard to pull myself away enough to
remember that point.
So this is here to remind me. The next step in the ladder isn’t always
the best step for me. There’s so much more to my life than the
accomplishments. Recognition. Being over-accomplished is over-rated. And often not
worth giving up the “other stuff” for.
For the next time I forget.
I miss New York City.
Even though I was completely ready to leave it when we did, I never
realized how very much I was going to miss it. Sometimes it’s as bad as
craving. There are many reasons why I miss the beautiful city, but one
of them is the variety of friends I had there.
Mostly due to the fact that I did more differing activities when I
lived in NYC, but also because the city draws so many different people.
When I look back upon the years I spent there, the people whose faces
jump out at me are from so many different backgrounds, not just Wall
Street. I remember the artists, the musicians, the readers, the goth,
the programmers, the deaf, the teachers, the executives, the Turks,
childhood friends, fleeting friends, random acquaintances.
It was wonderful having such a wide variety because it was a constant
reminder that my way wasn’t the only way to live life. And it’s too easy
to forget that sometimes. It’s easy to get lost on the Wall Street life
or the Silicon Valley life. I’ve been blessed to have worked at the best
of the street and the best of the valley, but it’s still crucially
important for me to remember that these are small microcosms of
humanity. They may be where the money is concentrated but they
definitely are not the only place to look for interesting people
(sometimes just the opposite in fact.)
So I need to find a way to build that variety in my California life. I
have a bit of it with the scrapbooking I do. But not enough of it. Not
nearly enough of it.
So I’ve been experiencing a new bout of giddy with
new friendship syndrome. And I was trying to remember the last time
this happened so I was looking through my archives and spent the day
going down memory lane. The last time I blogged about it was in 2001
but I did have another one of these in 2003, when I moved to San Diego.
It’s interesting to see that they are not as frequent as they seem and,
over time, I am not actually even friends with half these people. I am
with some and in those cases, they are solid, strong friendships that
feel good and not messed up even though the intensity is gone. It’s good
to know it can last but it doesn’t matter too much to me if it doesn’t
each time. Some people have staying power, others don’t. Each plays
his/her role in my life and that’s the part that matters.
I’ve also noticed today that the intensity with which I go to this phase
can freak some people out. This has happened before when people
interpret it as more than friendship or aren’t used to people being
really this straight with them and not having it be sexual. But it’s
not. And generally, eventually they come around. But, maybe not every
time. Who knows?
Anyhow, another important thing I thought today is that I miss writing
this blog. I mean properly writing it. Where it’s not photos or
scrapbooking or books, but it’s me. My thoughts. Not just about David,
though those too. But about me, what I think. What’s going on. Why it
matters.
So I’m going to try to do a lot of that. Daily, in fact. Let’s see if I
can manage every day in November.
The first time I heard of
Water For Elephants
was on a beach in Connecticut. We were there for Jake’s cousin’s wedding and David was running around the beach.
I saw this woman reading the book and got it confused with another one and when I realized my mistake, I asked her
how it was. She said she was liking it, but didn’t seem enthusiastic enough for me to want to place it on my library queue.
A few weeks ago, I was at Kepler’s and saw the book again. I decided I wanted to give it a try. I got it from the library three weeks ago and it’s been sitting around, waiting to be read.
Despite being on vacation, I haven’t read much at all in the last three weeks and I was getting worried that something was wrong with me.
Turns out nothing was wrong with me, and everything was wrong with the books I was trying to read. I picked this book up since it was due back in two days and I wanted to at least check it out.
And, man, am I glad I did. I read it in two days and loved loved LOVED it. I can’t even tell you why. I fell into the story immediately and enjoyed every single minute of it.
Despite the unusual setting, this is a timeless story and fantastic writing. Highly recommended.
David doesn’t normally play with other kids very often. He doesn’t
dislike them or anything. I just think he’s not used to it since he was
at home so much of his life. Or so I’ve been telling myself. That
coupled with his speech delay had me a bit worried. But if I had any
worries that he liked other kids, that worry was put to bed this past
weekend when we went to San Diego.
When my friend Nicole and her 3.5 year old, Franklin, met us at the
mall, I had no idea Franklin and David were going to hit it off this
well. The ran around and played for hours. They climbed trees, they
chased each other, they tickled each other, they danced together, and
they even hugged! It was the most amazing thing to watch and brought
tears to my eyes.
I loved seeing David have such a good friend and laughing out loud with
him. Such a pity they don’t live closer to us.
Last one from Pacific Beach.
More Pacific Beach.
More Pacific Beach.
I wanted to upload some photos from our San Diego trip. Specifically at
Pacific Beach. Hope you like them.
This was for an altered item contest sponsored by Sassafras Lass at AMM.
This is an item that was originally designed for photo storage. I
decided to alter it to do a CKU class I read about called “The
Encyclopedia of my ordinary life.” This is normally a class where you
pick three items with each letter of the alphabet and create a layout
for each letter, so you end up with a full album. It’s based on a
book.
I loved the idea and wanted to do it too but I found the layout format
too confining. For some letters, I had way more than 3 items and for
others I had none. So when I saw this container I thought it was the
perfect idea. This way, I can put 8 under one letter and none under
others if I want. I also included a sample page I made so you can see
the kind of stuff that would go in it.
Sketch number 10 for 1-in-48. Journaling Reads:
We saw this beautiful cat on our walk in the neighborhood today and you
were excited beyond words. You watched it from afar and shrieked with
joy. Even the cat could tell that you were having a lot of fun so it
didn’t run away. David, I love that you love animals as much as I do and
that you’re so kind and gentle around them.
Every night, after we put David in his crib (yes, he is still in a crib
and he will be until he learns to climb out of it!), I read him a book.
Last week, we started reading the Cat in the Hat and it has quickly
become his favorite book. As soon as Jake puts him down, he starts
chanting “Cat, Hat, cat, hat!” until I show up with the book. Then we
both sit down and I read.
Tonight, I switched to another Dr. Seuss book and when we finished he
said, “More Cat in Hat” and so we read another and then he said “more”
and I said “No more tonight my love, we’ll read more tomorrow.” I so
hope he is like that for the rest of his life.
If I am able to pass on my love of reading to David, it will be one of
the best presents I could ever give him.
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projects for twenty twenty-six
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projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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