 When I asked AskMe what books to read this
year, Kafka on the Shore was the most widely
recommended book. I figured one way I could guarantee that I would
read it was to pick it for our book club. I rallied the other women
around the idea and we picked it as our June book. So, of course, as
soon as I was done with Glass Castle, I picked it up. For some
reason, I was worried I wasn’t going to like it. I thought it would
be dense and hard to read. I thought it might tire me out. It came at
a time when other not-so-great things happened to me so I sort of
didn’t want to read it, if it was going to be hard.
But I was wrong. I was so wrong. I should have known to trust those
AskMe people, they haven’t strayed me wrong yet. I loved every minute
of Kafka on the Shore. When I read the blurb, it sounded like it was
going to be mystical and weird and not good and it was anything but.
It was weird and it was mystical, but it was a breeze to read and it
was interesting to the very last page. It did get predictable towards
the end but I loved the predictability. I loved the ideas, the
essence of the book. I couldn’t wait for the stories to intertwine. I
normally hate open-ended books but in this case, I didn’t mind it one
bit.
And I think it was a perfect pick for the book club, it will lead to
a very interesting discussion. Now that I’ve discovered him, I’m
going to have to read Murakami’s other works. I hear Hard-Boiled
Wonderland is fantastic, too.
Amidst a funeral and two coast to coast red-eyes, I attended Y Combinator‘s startup school last weekend. Stanford’s
Kresge Auditorium was packed to the brim. Every seat was filled and
the back was full of people sitting on the floor with laptops. I was
originally supposed to attend the previous evening’s event as well
but we had to fly to New York on the red eye on Thursday and flew
back Friday evening and didn’t make it into San Francisco until 9pm,
so when I showed up at Kresge, I didn’t know a soul.
Having worked as a programmer on Wall Street, I imagined the male/
female ratio would be skewed. I attended Carnegie Mellon. I worked at
an Investment Bank and I am a programmer. Being a minority as a woman
isn’t new to me. I had, however, assumed the percentage of women in
the room would be something around 10-12%. I was way off.
It was relatively hard to count because the room was so packed and
because some male hackers have long hair, making them
indistinguishable from women when you can only see them from the
back. My best count was eight. Excluding the speakers and organizers,
I counted eight women in a room of over 400 men. That’s around
2%. I’ve never been a huge women’s rights activist or even a feminist
to be honest, but this depressed me. For the last few weeks, I’ve
been asking many of my entrepreneurial friends if they knew of
technical companies started by women (where the women were the
technical individuals as well as the founder and when I mean
technical, I mean more than HTML or CSS). Some were able to name
maybe one or two and many couldn’t even think of a single one.
There are many cases where established companies are led by women.
When I was at Goldman Sachs, our CIO was a woman. I know some
fantastic women coders. There are also cases of companies started by
women. Women who are in advertising, marketing, design, fashion and
tons of other non-technical fields. But there seem to be very few
cases of technical women entrepreneurs.
Women and men are different. They live differently. They work
differently. They manage differently. They lead companies
differently. This is not to imply that all men are the same but just
to point out that there are fundamental differences in the genders
that makes their styles of starting and running companies varied. One
of the greatest things about America is that we have a lot of choices
here. Anyone can start their own company. Anyone can do anything they
truly want. This means that if I want to be an employee, I have a
large number of companies to choose from. I think having more
technical female entrepreneurs would give me, and others like me,
more options. I feel that not having those options is depressing and
unfortunate.
I don’t know what stops technical women from wanting to start their
own thing. Maybe it’s the kids (I have a lot to say on this and I’ll
save it for my next post) or the fear of instability. Or maybe it’s
the lack of balls. When Chris Sacca from Google gave his speech, he said
he’d take two questions but one had to be from a woman. The woman he
picked asked for suggestions on helping women make more effective/
forceful pitches. Hearing the question made me even more upset. There
is no inherent reason for a woman to be more unsure of herself than a
man. When I believe an idea, I am so forceful and passionate that
it’s scary. That’s how I talked my way into my graduate degree and
that’s how I was able to accomplish most of the biggest achievements
in my life. I just felt like if this is the best question this girl
can come up with, it says a lot about why women don’t do startups.
 Jeannette Walls’ The Glass Castle is our bookclub’s pick for May. I had already finished out April
selection (Lolita) so I figured I might as well get started on it.
The book took me three days to read. It’s the memoir of Jeannette’s
unbelievable childhood. Parts of it made me want to cry, parts of it
made me cringe. I was amazed at how intelligent both her parents
seemed and yet how little they cared about the welfare and health of
their children. The obviously did love their kids but it’s amazing
that children can be brought up this way in the US and nothing is
done about it. It’s a well-written memoir and will make you thankful
for your childhood and family.
It’s a good read for when you need to keep your life in perspective.
When I got my passport last year, Jake and I had planned to drive to
Mexico right away so I could get to use my brand new American
passport. As things turned out, we never got to go. This weekend,
looking for something to do, we decided to drive to Ensenada, The
drive from San Diego is around an hour and a half. We got on the road
as soon as David woke up (5am!) and got there early enough to get
some fantastic weather before it came pouring down.
I loved Ensenada. In so many ways, it reminded me of being home. The
dirt, the poverty, the small streets, the sweet, kind people, the
tiny candy stores. I felt completely at ease and loved every moment
of being there. I felt more at ease there then I do here in San
Diego. The one thing Ensenada had that Istanbul doesn’t was color.
The magnificent color in all the buildings delighted me and is
something we don’t really have in most of Turkey (except Bodrum,
which is all white and blue – not so colorful as Ensenada but still
gives me the same sense of loveliness). I couldn’t get enough of the
color.
Since I haven’t taken any photos (that aren’t portraits of some kind)
in such a long time, I didn’t even know where to begin. I took a
whole bunch of photos before rain came pouring down. I am not sure I
am thrilled with any of them but I still like them because theu are
my memories of the wonderful trip. I’ll post some of them over the
next few weeks.
Of course, on the way back, they didn’t ask me for anything but my
driver’s license so I didn’t get to use my spankin’ new passport. Oh
well.
When he wakes up from his morning nap, David gets a piece of string
cheese. I take the cheese out of its wrapper and he holds the cheese
in one hand and the wrapper in the other. It’s one of his favorite
foods. At least for now.
Just for the fun of it, I removed a lot of the noise from this image.
Since our house doesn’t have perfect lighting, I take most of my
indoor photos at 800ISO, thus get a lot of noise.
As promised, I will start to write about some of the points “How to
be an Adult” brings up that interested me. Here’s the first one I
want to write about:
Relationships between adults work best when each partner knows
his or her specific ways of feeling loved and tells the other about
it.
This has been one of my pet peeves for a long time. I believe that
different people have different ways of feeling loved. Some people
like jewelry or flowers, others want hugs, and others just want to be
listened to. I don’t think there’s a right way to love someone.
Similarly, there are no wrong ways to feel loved (we’re ignoring
extreme cases of abuse etc here). For a multitude of reasons, we all
develop our own definitions of love and our own ways of looking at a
relationship and feeling loved.
I think our first instinct is to love someone the way we like to be
loved. If we like attention, then we give the other person attention.
If we like flowers, then we buy presents, etc. I don’t think there’s
any harm in this, initially when we don’t know someone very well,
it’s the best option we have. But once we’ve gotten to know our
partner somewhat. loving them the way they like to be loved gives us
two major advantages. One, it shows the other person that we’re
paying attention to their wants and needs. Two, it makes it easier
since it focuses our efforts to please that person and makes them
more effective each time.
Of course, I think there’s value in recognizing when your partner is
trying to show you how much they love you, in their own way as well.
If your partner is the kind of person who never buys flowers and he
comes home with flowers one day, this shows a significant effort and
should, of course, make you happy (unless the flowers are due to some
guilt.) But knowing the ways the other person feels loved saves so
much time and effort in a relationship. It may be hard in the
beginning to make enough attention to find the ways, but you can also
ask. I think, in an honest relationship, there’s no reason to play
guessing games. If I care about you, and about making our
relationship last, I have no trouble telling you what actions or
things make me feel loved. This way you’re not wasting your time
trying things that work on you, on me. I am happy and loved and so
are you. Why would people prefer to play guessing games instead?
There’s no award for getting there on your own. The award is for
knowing and for doing the actions that make the other person feel
loved. Sure it’s nice to know that you paid attention but it’s much
nicer to know that you’re going out of your way and your personal
understanding of how to show love, just for me. Just to make sure I
am feeling loved by you. That’s all that matters. Imagine how much
smoother a relationship would be if both parties were honest about
what would make them feel loved and if both partners actually did
these? There would be no need for guessing, assuming and worrying.
I think part of being an adult is knowing yourself and not being
afraid to share that with the people you love. Knowing what you need
and asking for it. Knowing that those who really care for you will do
their best to show it, in a way you understand.
 Elizabeth Gilbert’s
fantastic memoir was exactly what I needed to read. Eat,
Pray, Love : One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India
and Indonesia is a very quick read, but don’t let it’s humorous
tone fool you. It’s a book that makes you look into your own soul and
think about the life you’re living. At least, it did for me. I loved
her writing. It never got in the way of the story. I loved the way
she told her very sad story with great humor so that you never felt
sorry for her. I felt like the author was instantly likable. I loved
all three sections and all the characters in the book. I’ve never had
an interest in traveling to India or Indonesia (I wasn’t against the
idea just never felt compelled to go) but now I would love to. I am
hoping to go back to practicing yoga and I truly think that sitting
quietly and smiling for an hour each day may change my life for the
better. Looking deep into myself is something I should do regularly.
But now I am just blabbing.
There are many articles about this book all over the net. I had never
heard of it until my friend Nicole read it and recommended it. I read
it in a few days and loved every single moment of it. It’s not for
everyone (especially if you’re not spiritual at all) but it’s quite a
marvelous book for some people. Including me.
With this little entry, we finally catch up to all the books I’ve
read this year so far. I’m currently reading another memoir “The
Glass Castle” which, so far, is great. With the exception of Lolita,
this has so far been a year of great books. I hope to keep it up.
 After finishing the
dreadful Lolita, I had to cleanse myself with a different book
immediately. Two of the women in my reading club had just finished Snow Flower and the Secret Fan and
they both loved it. I borrowed it from my friend Nicole and started
reading it Sunday morning. My day was relatively full. I had a shoot
at 7:15am and had to process all the photos, feed David’s meals,
nurse him for his naps, play with him, work on the site and respond to the tons of emails
sitting in my inbox. I started the novel and ended up doing nothing
but reading. By, 10:30pm, I had finished the novel (and done all the
necessary tasks of the day including processing my photos.)
This novel was wonderful. Light but not trivial read. Three-
dimensional characters and a completely character-driven story. I
learned a lot about Chinese culture I didn’t know and confirmed some
of the sad things I did know. I enjoyed every page of it and it was
exactly what I needed after Lolita.
 I have met many book-lovers
over the years. Several of them, upon learning of my passion about
books, have recommended that I read Lolita.
I knew the premise of the book and refused to read it out of
principle. “But it’s literature, it’s Nabokov.” I heard so many
arguments, but I still refused to read it.
A few weeks ago, my bookclub met and we were told that the Mark Twain
book we’d picked for April was dreadful and decided to switch it. I
recommended we read Lolita. None of us were too thrilled about the
prospect but we all felt that it was a book we had to read before we
died. And now that were were in our 30s, and “mature,” we might as
well get to it. Semi-reluctantly, we all agreed to pick it as our
April book.
Knowing it would be a form of torture, I bought and started the book
immediately. The text was much less dense than I had imagined and the
story moved relatively quickly. There were some interesting bits here
and there and the writing was quite impeccable. But that’s it.
I wish I could say all those people were right and I was wrong. I
wish I could say I totally changed my mind on it and it was
phenomenal. The truth is, I could never get past the child-
molestation. I could never get past what a disgusting (and I find
that to be the very perfect fit adjective in this case) man he was.
There was no second in which I could relate to him or empathize.
Thank God I don’t have a daughter, I might have hated it even more.
There was no room for my pity in the character. No explanation why he
might have become such a despicable person. Nothing that spoke to me
in a way that allowed me to enjoy the book, the story and the people.
I ask you, if you’re one of those “Lolita is amazing” people:
please tell me what I missed? Why is this book such a must-read?
The complex where I live has a calendar of events that they publish
each month. It notes community-wide events like easter egg hunt and
gym classes as well as national or religious holidays. In April’s
calendar, they had “National Honesty Day” under April 30th. I have
never heard of this holiday but I am glad it’s on the calendar and I
wish it would encourage people, even if just for one day.
I am not naive enough to think that people don’t lie. Everybody lies
and they all have their reasons. When I was little, my mom would lie
to her clients and tell them that their merchandise was ready but she
couldn’t deliver it cause I was so sick, she had to stay home and
take care of me. All the while, I would sit next to her, perfectly
healthy. I asked her why she lied and she said that these were
“little lies” and they didn’t matter. Sure they matter. But today’s
post is not about lying. It’s about not telling the truth.
Most of us live our lives sheepishly, not passionate enough to stand
for something. My first night of Teach For America training, they
showed us a video of the previous year’s class and the
accomplishments they achieved and all the goals the organization had
for the country. I felt so proud to be a part of something so
phenomenal that I went back to my room and I called Jake. “I don’t
know why everyone wouldn’t want to be a part of this,” I said. “It’s
amazing.” I truly believed it. I still do. I have the utmost respect
for organizations like TFA who stand for something and fight like
crazy to get it. Most of us, give up way too easily. Most of us learn
to be complacent early on in life and stick to saving our opinions to
ourselves in most situations. Not lying, per se, but omitting the truth.
Not being honest with your boss’ bad taste or incorrect preferences
is one thing. The boss might fire you for disagreeing. While I still
think it sucks to work for someone like that, I can understand one’s
choice to be complacent in that situation. But not when it comes to
friendship. And not with a significant other. These people are in
your life by choice. You picked them. Why not pick people who respect
you for your thoughts and be honest with them? A friend of mine
thinks truth is overrated, that it isn’t necessary to be honest at
all times and that sparing someone’s feelings is more valuable. I
respectfully disagree.
I choose the people in my life because I trust them to be good
thinkers. I trust that when they tell me their opinion on things,
these opinions are not judgments. They aren’t superficial, they
aren’t spiteful. They are well-thought-out opinions of people whom I
trust and respect. I want them to tell me what they think and trust
that I can handle the truth. I am independent enough to weigh their
opinions without letting them cloud mine. I want them to trust that
when I said I want to know what they think, I meant it. Their honest
thoughts help me grow and expand my own thoughts. They help me see
things from different perspectives.
Of course there are nice and not-so-nice ways to say things. There’s
bashing and there’s constructive feedback. I always expect the people
I care about to take the time to put their words in a non-hurtful
form. Adjectives without explanations are useless. If my friends are
some of the most intelligent and most caring people I know, why
wouldn’t I want to know their true thoughts?
That’s one of the reasons I loved college. In college, people tend to
be passionate. They tell you what they think. For hours. Tedious as
it might become, the conversation is deep, meaningful, and often
honest. Then we grow up, life gets in the way, we never take the time
to be honest. We never really listen and really answer. We make
decisions on behalf of the other person. (Oh she wouldn’t want to
hear this. Poor so-and-so, how could I tell her what I really think)
We talk about the people we love to other people but never to their
face. We wouldn’t want to hurt them. Well, you may not be hurting
them, but you’re also not helping them. You’re depriving them of the
true friend or partner they thought they had.
And what if you do tell the truth (nicely, gently, constructively)
and they get hurt irrevocably? Well, in my opinion, those friends
were lost long ago. A relationship based on eggshells and half-truths
is not a relationship worth the energy or the time. Especially with a
significant other. This person may be there for the rest of your
life, do you really want to live with someone to whom you cannot tell
your true thoughts/feelings, for the rest of your life?
I don’t know where between college and life people give up on honesty
but I wish it hadn’t become the accepted social norm. I really think
we could all benefit from more of it. Even if only on April 30th.
 When I was telling my friend
Michelle that most of the books I read last year sucked, she
recommended The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson
McCullers. For some reason, I let the book sit for weeks before I
picked it up. I would look at the cover and keep putting off reading
it. I thought it was going to be really depressing and I wasn’t in
the mood. Once I did pick it up, I couldn’t put it down. I loved
every minute of it. I loved the characters, I loved how intricately
their lives were intertwined yet so very isolated. I loved how they
all felt close to Singer and yet they knew nothing about him. It was
a really enjoyable read and I am glad I finally did actually pick it
up. Both this one and The Solace of Leaving early were Michelle’s
recommendations. Now I’m going to have to beg for more.
 I can’t decide how I feel
about Yukio Mishima’s Temple
of the Golden Pavillion. Similar to the other two Japanese novels
I read in the last few weeks, it’s mostly about the main character’s
inner life. His thoughts, his ideas. The main character is a young
adult and is quite resentful of life. It’s a slow-paced novel full of
wisdom and thought-provoking writing. Here are a few sections that
spoke to me:
Perhaps a lyrical port lucked within that huge
body of his, but I felt that there was cruelty in his clear, blue
eyes. The Western nursery-rhyme “Mother Goose” refers to black eyes
as being cruel and malicious; the fact is that when people imagine
cruelty, they normally assign some foreign character to it.
and another
Cripples and lovely women are both tired of
being looked at, they are weary of an existence that involves
constantly being observed, they feel hemmed in; and they return the
gaze by means of that very existence itself. The one who really looks
is the one who wins.
one final one
I just wanted to make you understand. What
transforms this world is – knowledge. Do you see what I mean? Nothing
else can change anything in this world. Knowledge alone is capable of
transforming the world, while at the same time leaving it exactly as
it is. When you look at the world with knowledge, you realize that
things are unchangeable and at the same time are constantly being
transformed. You may ask what good it does us. Let’s put it this way
– human being possess the weapon of knowledge in order to make life
bearable. For animals such things aren’t necessary. Animals don’t
need knowledge or anything of the sort to make life bearable. But
human beings do need something, and with knowledge they can make the
very intolerableness of life a weapon, though at the sam time that
intolerableness is not reduced in the slightest. That’s all there is
to it.
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projects for twenty twenty-six
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projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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