This is a relatively older photo that I took but never got around to
posting. I have a bunch of photos that are sitting on the server just
like this one so I am trying to go through them and see if I like to
put them up. There’s something about this particular photo that makes
me feel lonely and sad. But I still like it. I hope you do, too.
 Another AskMe recommendation was Kokoro by Natsume Soseki. As far as I
can remember, I’ve never read Japanese fiction so this was my first.
And what an inspiring beginning. I loved this book pretty much from
the very first page. My preference is usually character-based books
and Kokoro was nothing but. I loved the simplicity of the language,
could relate to the main character almost immediately. Cared about
him, about his story, about his feelings towards his mentor. I
enjoyed how non-contrived the story felt to me. Even though I was
wondering what made the sensei who he was, it wasn’t crucial to me.
It wasn’t like a mystery, it was like an unraveling of a personality.
I swallowed the book in a day and thought about it for quite some
time afterwards.
I liked it so much that I decided I wanted to read more Japanese
books. My impression was that they were more about people and their
thoughts, their morals, their ideas as opposed to actual events in
their world. Maybe I am way off but I wanted to find out, so I went
through the recommendations and put two of the other Japanese books
on hold and encouraged my reading group to pick yet a third one as
our book of the month for June.
 The second book I read this year is Amy and Isabelle by Elizabeth Strout,
another AskMe recommendation. A quiet, beautiful story about a single
mother and her teenage daughter who has a relationship with her
teacher. It proves my disturbing thoughts about how little parents
actually know about their own children and where they are and what
they’re doing at any moment in time. Disturbing at times, frustrating
at others, this novel rang relatively true to me. I enjoyed the
writing style even though I thought the book was a little slow but
still enjoyed reading it. I really am not looking forward to David’s
teenage years. And while I am sort of glad not to have a girl for
that reason, I know boys can be their own bag full of troubles and
worries.
The photographs at pictures of the year are phenomenal. Some truly
inspiring work.
As I mentioned before, 2005 wasn’t the best
year for books, for me. Determined to do better this year, I posted
on AskMe to ask for recommendations of people’s favorite books. I got
a lot of answers and got started reading them one by one. This year,
I hope to post about each of the books as I read them. So to catch
up, I’ll write about the ten I’ve read so far in the next few days.
 First up, is Kissing in Manhattan by David Schickler. I have never been a big fan of
short story collections so I am not even sure why I picked this out
to be my first book of the year. Maybe it’s because the MeFi reader
said it was the book that got her out of her 2005 book-slump.
Whatever prompted me, I am really glad I decided to read it. Kissing
in Manhattan is fantastic. It’s not the kind of book I would have
picked up in a million years. Each of the short stories is about a
different tenant who lives in a fictional building in Manhattan. The
stories, while different, sort of weave through each other in that
the same characters pop up in different stories and you sort of find
out some more about them through another tenant’s story. It’s very
well-written, sort of weird stories but good imagery, great character
development and very visual. I thought about the characters and the
stories well after I’d finished the book, which, for me, is a sign of
a great read. What a wonderful way to start the year.
Just so you know that I am not exaggerating when I tell you about
what a happy boy David is, I wanted to share with you a recent photo
I took while he and I were laughing at each other. Isn’t he so very
beautiful?
A friend of mine asked me about my favorite movie the other day.
Anyone who’s a movie-snob would cringe at some of my favorites and
probably think I am an uncultured, cheesy-movie-liking idiot. But I
don’t care much for movie-snobs (or any other snobs for that matter)
so I don’t really care what they think. Anyhow, my favorite movie of
all time is still the same as it was when I applied to college 14
years ago.
My favorite movie of all time is still Dead Poets Society. While I
was very lucky to not have parents like the ones in the movie and
wouldn’t nearly qualify my life as oppressed and predetermined as
those students, the message of sucking the marrow of life resonated
strongly with me then and still does today. There are so many things
I like to do and so many things I yearn to learn. So many things I
wish I could do like design and play an instrument and draw well and
write well and be more creative and artistic. I feel like the amount
of things I want to do/learn/be would easily cover several lifetimes.
I don’t know how to figure out which path to take. There are many
aspects of my life that I love and wouldn’t give up. I love being
married. I love that I’ve shared so much of my life with Jake and
that we have all these memories that we can unleash like a treasure
chest. I love reminiscing with him. I love being a mom. I love the
joy and wonder David has brought into my life. The little moments
where he does something completely unexpected, the minutes after he
wakes up from a nap all flushed, the hours we spend bonding while I
nurse him. I wouldn’t give those up for anything. I love reading. I
dedicate several hours of my week to reading books and those hours
are some of my most cherished. My little escape into the minds and
worlds of others. My opportunity to experience life in a different
way. That’s something else I am not willing to give up. Those are my
core three that need to be in my life. There are many other time-
consuming activities I like that I’d rather not stop doing like:
photography, writing this site, scrapbooking my son’s memories,
taking classes with/for David, etc.
But then there are others. Hours wasted having petty arguments around
office politics. Hours wasted trying to configure some kind of
installation or a piece of code that’s missing a stupid parenthesis
or semicolon (yey for python). Hours killed with being in a bad mood
or stuck in traffic or running stupid errands or having a fight. I
know it’s impossible to dispose of all of these. And maybe I am just
itching because it’s time to try something new. I think that my main
problem is that I feel insatiable. I feel like picking one thing is
not going to satisfy me since I still have to give up picking
something else.
I had told myself that if Jake did well enough for us to live on his
salary, I’d go back to school. Maybe get a PhD in Child Psychology.
Maybe get one in Computer Science. Or maybe I’d do a collection of
Masters degrees. One for math, one for computer science, one of
english, one for statistics. One for design. One for psychology. Art
history. Linguistics. Photography. Several individual languages. I
really can go on for quite some time. Now, I’m thinking maybe I
should just take classes. I don’t know if that’s even possible. I
don’t know that the schools I’d want to attend offer the option of
just taking classes. But I suppose theoretically if I had enough
money, I could convince them to let me. I wonder if that would quench
my thirst. Make me feel like I was finally sucking the marrow of life.
Make me feel like I was actually living several lifetimes in one.
The Birch Aquarium is a few miles from our house but we hadn’t been
up there until a few weeks ago when David and I met a friend of
Jake’s wife and her children. When Jake’s mom came to visit a week
later, I suggested we go back there since David liked it so much. One
of the rooms in the aquarium shows fish that blend in perfectly with
their environment and use camouflage not to become prey. I love sea
horses but I had never seen these little creatures before. These sea
dragons must come from the same family as sea horses since their
faces look so similar. I know this isn’t fantastic photography but I
thought the little fish was sort of neat and I haven’t been out
photographing for so long that I snapped a shot of it.
Anyone who’s seen David and Jake quickly exclaims that David is an
exact replica and then proceeds to ask whether I’m sure I’m the mom.
David really does look exactly like Jake and given that Jake was the
cutest baby ever, I have no complaints. As he continues to grow, I am
curious which one of our non-physical genes ended up in the little boy.
He’s one of the happiest kids I’ve ever seen. All you have to do to
get him to laugh is to laugh in his general vicinity and he breaks
into a guffaw. If you follow behind him as he walks around the house,
he quickly falls in to a game of chase and starts giggling. Loudly.
The joyous and constantly amused personality trait is definitely
inherited from Jake as well. I was a very quiet child with lots of
sticking to my mom’s skirt and crying.
Lest you think he hasn’t got any of my genes, I was sitting at my
table a few days ago when I could no longer see or hear David. My
work area is open to the living room and I can often see him playing.
When he goes out of sight, I can still hear the conversation between
him and the toys. If he disappears for over a minute, I generally
call him and he comes back to the living room or kitchen (which is
also fully visible from my work area) and laughs at me. On this
occasion, he had been completely out of my sight for a minute or two
and I couldn’t hear him talk at all. I yelled for him and he didn’t
come back. Worried, I leapt from my chair and ran towards the bedroom
thinking he was eating some crazy bathroom stuff he pulled out of the
drawers. On my way through the living room, I spotted him right by
the bookcases, quietly reading his book (well, maybe not reading but
looking through). He looked up at me with a quizzical expression and
went back to his reading.
That he got from me.
Almost a month ago, David turned one. While it was relatively
uneventful for him, despite the birthday party we threw on his honor,
it was a rather huge deal for me. I always knew I wanted to have
children but I never really felt ready to have them. When Jake and I
decided to start trying, it was mostly because we knew we both wanted
kids and we knew it might be a bad idea to wait much longer in case
we had problems. It all happened very quickly and next thing we knew
we were actually pregnant. Not that I am complaining but it was
sooner than we expected, that’s all.
I spent the first few months of my pregnancy worrying about the well
being of the baby and throwing up. Once I started feeling better, I
concentrated fully on worrying about the baby’s well-being. I worried
about it so much that I barely had enough energy left to worry about
the birth. David did me two favors and came out relatively quickly
and quite perfect-looking.
I spent the last year also worrying. What did I know about being a
mother? Was I feeding him enough? Was I eating right? Was he warm
enough? Was he too warm? David was and is a perfect child. He eats
like a champ, he now sleeps like a champ, he walks around like he’s
been doing it all his life and he laughs more than I’ve ever seen
anyone laugh.
There are no words for the amount of joy he has brought into our
lives. Even though it’s almost a whole month late, congrats of
turning a whole finger, my son, I am so proud of you.
I forgot how much time it takes to tweak this site. I’ve spent the
better part of a Sunday updating my scripts and that’s no fun.
So I am trying to find a way to allow me to post more frequently and
I have decided to go back to the very original weblog look which
means everything gets dumped to the main page regardless of its
category. No special section for photos or david. If you don’t like
the topic of a post, feel free to skip it.
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projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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