A friend of mine and I were discussing honesty the other day. I am firmly of the belief that sound relationships and solid friendships are based on complete honesty. She doesn’t fully agree. She thinks honesty is quite overrated in certain cases.
I believe if I am going out wearing something that makes me look bad it’s my friend’s duty to warn me. She believes that if I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw and my friend’s opinion differed, that doesn’t mean her opinion is worth more than mine. As such, my friend shouldn’t say anything. If I ask, then she can offer her opinion, but otherwise it’s not needed. She claimed that especially in cases where the problem is not resolvable (for example, I meet my friend at a restaurant and she doesn’t approve of what I am wearing) that honesty would only serve to make me upset or frustrated and it wouldn’t help one bit. Wasn’t it better to keep your words to yourself?
I am not sure where I stand. Obviously, my friend and I are allowed to disagree on opinion-oriented issues like a piece of clothing or a career move. Then again, almost every difficult decision one has to face has opinion-oriented aspects to it. I might agree that if it’s after the fact or too late to turn back, my friend maybe shouldn’t share her differing opinion. But even then, isn’t it better for me to know how she feels for next time? Just because she shares her differing thoughts doesn’t mean I will do what she says over how I feel. But isn’t it better to know the thoughts of someone I trust?
I guess it all depends on how strong and well-balanced the friendship is. If I consider this person a true friend and know that she would never say things out of jealousy or competition, and if I can trust myself and my own choices, I would like to know the truth about her thoughts. If she’s capable of being catty or if I am so weak that I would blindly take her choices over mine, it’s best for her to keep her thoughts to herself.
But, then again, at that point, she’s not really my friend, is she?
Happy second anniversary to us! I can’t believe it’s already been two years. To many many more.
The complex where I live has a small movie theater and they show movies twice a week for free. One of last week’s movies was The House of Sand and Fog. I haven’t read the book and I knew the plot was depressing so I hesitated a lot but in the end, I went.
I don’t want to give away anything in case you are reading this and still plan to see the movie, but the basic point of the movie is that this woman’s house gets seized because of some mail she never opened and another person buys the house with the intention of selling it at several times the price. The woman wants her house back but the new owner is unwilling to sell it back to the city at the price he bought it at so the two parties both become obsessed with the house which leads to all sorts of unfortunate events and a very sad ending.
Both parties have their reasons for wrapping up large quantities of hope into the house and it affects their point of view so strongly that they can’t see clearly. The movie is an interesting moral dilemma and I don’t want to talk about which side was right because I know that the original novel goes a lot more in depth as far as the backgrounds of each party and their motivations behind wanting the house. What amazed me was how one thing can distort our lives so drastically. No matter how sensible a person is, some weird event can turn the person into an unreasonable being.
We take our hopes and dreams and realize them in a single material thing. Suddenly that one job is the answer to all of our problems. Or that one partner. That one car. The house. That piece of clothing. It’s a must and there are no alternatives. That’s what we’ve been waiting for all along. The fact is, no one thing will ever solve all of our problems and no one thing is the answer to our future happiness. We, as humans, adapt amazingly quickly and what seemed crucial in one moment becomes ordinary the next. As soon as we achieve, or purchase, it, it loses its value. Now we want the next thing. We lose perspective so quickly.
The movie made me want to teach myself that no one thing in life is so important. There are and always will be other alternatives. There’s no one dream man, no one dream job, no one dream house. Sure some jobs are better than others for me and some houses are more to my liking than others. But if I miss out on the one I wanted, there’s always another somewhere else within my reach. There’s no reason to get so caught up in this particular one. None is worth ruining my life over. None is worth losing my sense of self over. I’m all for trying my hardest to get something that I value.
But I think it’s crucial to keep it all in perspective.
I have a long list of to-dos every day. Even though some of the items on the list get done, there are those few that stay on the list day after day, week after week. They stare at me mockingly, knowing I am frustrated that they are still on my list but not motivated enough to actually complete them. Sometimes, they actually get done and then there’s this huge elevation in my soul, at least for a moment. The joy of getting to cross that item off my list. It lasts a few seconds, but those are precious seconds for me.
Last week started really awfully. Monday night I found myself in an exceptionally bad mood, not motivated to do anything at all. I was angry at myself more than anyone else. I hated the fact that I put so many restrictions on my life. The number of diet cokes I was allowed to drink in a day, the list of foods I had to give up. The books I had to read, the chores I had to complete; they were all swallowing me up. I had no desire to do any of them and yet I made lists on Monday and Tuesday morning as if they were going to get done. After another lousy day on Tuesday, I decided to take the rest of the week off. In Jean Little’s wonderful words I decided I needed a rest. From myself.
I spent the rest of the week eating out, ejoying my meals, drinking soda, walking around, taking photos, read when I felt like it and not when I didn’t. I worked as always, but I spent my free time guiltless. I didn’t even make lists. I didn’t keep track of anything. By Wednesday night I was visibly happier. Even my yoga teacher noticed the change. I had a bounce in my step and a different tone in my voice. You might think I am exaggerating, but I’m really not.
The rest of the week was wonderful and I still got a considerable amount done. With the exception of two slices of chocolate cake and a few extra diet cokes I didn’t overdo anything. But I was allowed to. I gave myself permission to mess up, to overdo, to be lazy, to be irresponsible. Permission to not live up to my potential.
And that made all the difference.
Last year, before we left New York, Jake and I were making a lot of changes in a short amount of time and there were a lot of up and downs between my leaving Teach For America and his quitting his work and our deciding to leave the city that had been our home since college. We struggled with a lot of decisions: professionally, monetarily, personally and emotionally. Some of our choices depended on other people and many of the actions required large leaps of faith. This is when we invented the twenty-four hour rule.
The rule is simple: You’re not allowed to act on a reaction within twenty-four hours of a piece of news. This generally applies to what we consider upsetting, frustrating, or other negative events. For example, let’s say your boss is being a complete jerk and pulls you into his office and lets you have it. Your first instinct might be to say “I don’t need this,” and quit on the spot. No one needs to be treated with disrespect and your boss is definitely wrong, regardless of the context. However, this doesn’t mean giving him the finger and walking out is the best reaction to that situation. Maybe it is, maybe it’s not. It’s not certain.
What is certain is that in that moment, your emotions control you more than your logic does. While I’m generally in favor of making decisions with the help of our emotions, I think it’s not a good idea to make them solely based on emotions (this is probably even more true for me than it is for normal, less-emotional, people). In that moment of raging anger or huge humiliation, we tend to see dark and make harsh decisions, utter regrettable words.
Jake and I decided that if we wait twenty-four hours, it gives us enough time to cool off. We’re still emotional after a day but we’re not so emotional that we can’t involve logic in the decision-making. This way, we might explore other options like moving departments or even changing managers instead of walking away. We still have the option of coming in the next day and giving the boss the finger and quitting, of course. That option doesn’t go away. The twenty-four hour rule seems to only add choices.
We now apply it all the time. A problem at work? Wait a day and then resolve it (unless, of course there’s a major immediate repercussion and it needs to be handled immediately). Having a major disagreement with your loved one? Set up lunch for the next day to talk it over. Fighting with a friend? Call her in twenty-four hours. I am not advocating putting off a problem or burying it. I think it’s crucial to address issues and make sure they get resolved. I used to think it was crucial to resolve problems immediately. I don’t anymore.
Now, I wait twenty-four hours.
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projects for twenty twenty-six
projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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