I’ve spent the last week or two wallowing in self-pity, overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. I’ve been looking at other people’s blogs and yearning for their life. Their talent. Their poise. Their spunk. Their sense of calm. Their professionalism. Popularity. Their perfect pages. Amazing drawings. Fun personalities. I can go on and on.
I’ve learned over the years that my mood and sense of self can move in waves. When I am feeling good, I am optimistic, driven, energetic, and kind. But when I am on a negative cycle, I can be depressed, whiny and insecure. I can look at what’s around me and take the very best of others and line it up against the very worst of myself. Where there’s no chance I could ever measure up.
This is where I’d been lately. Even though I know jealousy and worry are completely wasted emotions, I was still unable to pull myself out of it. I looked at everything from a negative point of view. Someone would tweet or write a message about someone else and I would take it all personally. Make it about me and my shortcomings. I’d look for hidden messages in everything. I’d get bitter that so and so hasn’t written back to me yet and it must mean that they secretly hate me. On and on and on.
Two days ago, I was on the phone with my friend Tonya and whining to her about one of these concerns in my head. About feeling like life was just not fair to me. In a single sentence, she was able to change my perspective and allow me to look at my situation in a completely different way so that what I was sad about actually looked like a blessing. It was so simple and so obvious in retrospect but because I’ve been wallowing, I hadn’t seen it at all. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since because it’s the perfect example of the biased lenses I’ve been wearing for the last few weeks.
While her comment was helpful for that situation, it wasn’t enough to get me out of my pity-party. I was still feeling sorry that I wasn’t thinner, more talented, able to draw or write or do some of the millions of things I really wish I could. In the end, it’s really about being popular. Just like high school. Blogs, twitter, facebook are very much like high school to me. People link to each other and talk about each other and I sit there and watch them from the outside. On a sound day, I can tell it makes perfect sense that they talk to each other since that’s how I found them. One linked to the other cause they were friends. Then I follow both and then they talk about each other cause they’ve been friends all along. Before the internet this happened over the phone in the privacy of their homes. Now it happens in front of my eyes and I get to be a voyeur. I get to feel like an outsider all over again. Let me tell you the feelings that brings up…..not good ones.
Anyhow, back to my pity-party. Fundamentally, I was feeling sad about not being popular. Because as we all know, that’s the answer to everything. We all yearn to be loved and be worthy. How better to measure that than by all the numbers the internet gives you? My readers, my facebook friends, my twitter followers, there are numbers everywhere. And all they scream to me is: you are not enough. Not good enough. Not popular enough. Not loved enough.
Oh yes, it’s been that kind of a week.
or two.
And then this morning, I woke up and read this post by Amy about how she lost her father-in-law. But, as many of Amy’s posts are, it was eloquent and about so much more. Amy ends her post with these words:
People die. One day it will be my turn, and a last blessing of Kent’s passing is this feeling in me: get up. Do better. Experience more. Stop wasting time. Live.
And it was the kick in the rear I needed. It’s time to stop wallowing. Life’s short. It’s time to get up and do better. It’s time to dive into the things I want to do. Stop worrying about the popularity contests and invest into things more deeply. To the people I love and people who love me. To things I want to learn. Things I want to master. Ironically, I also realized I need to slow down. Just like it’s not about the number of people who like you, it’s not about the number of things I accomplish. It’s not about numbers at all. It’s not about quantity. It’s about quality. Deep, caring connection. True enjoyment and satisfaction. It’s not just about living fully and doing more. It’s also about living more deeply.
So, once again, I am choosing joy. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years of these cycles, it’s that it ends when I choose to end it.
And it’s time.
Thank you for sharing this, it speaks to me on so many levels. I love the quote that you shared, it is so true but so easy to lose focus of.
I don’t have a blog but I follow certain people because their creativity inspires me…a person who is not “artsy.” I agree with your point of view, a lot of it is about popularity and having a boatload of followers. Your creativity stands out among the mainstream bloggers and that’s what I love about your style. I hope you continue on your path of creativity because you have some mad skills! Seriously, you are on the Tim Holtz design team so that speaks volumes right there! I can’t believe you would ever question your creativity but I know firsthand how insecurity can make you question yourself. Thanks for keeping it real but I hope you realize that your talent is an inspiration to me and others!
Hi Karen,
I read Amy’s blog too, she is so good at expressing herself. I agree with you about the cycles up and down, I think I’m doing that too. My cycles are longer though, but I do feel myself pulling up, despite my various stumbling blocks. What’s that chinese proverb? Fall down 1,000 times, get up 1,001. That’s what we have to do.
So keep on keeping on, and please know that you ARE enough. I so look forward to your blog, and watching your boys grow day to day.
Have a great day!
This blog post has spoken to me on so many levels so thank you for being honest and sharing how you feel.
At times I feel exactly how you have spoken about. I put myself down, I tell myself I’m not creative, I tell myself I’ve no friends, I wish I was thinner, prettier, more popular etc. I know it is self destructive, but I still feel it.
Please know that Karen, I admire and are totally inspired by YOU. I’m joining you in choosing Joy and being grateful for everything I have and inspire to be
Lesley xx
Hi – I am a stranger to you. But I wanted to tell you that, of the 230+ subscriptions I have going in Google Reader (becoming a bit of a problem for me!), yours is one of my favorites. I look forward to your daily posts. Your pics make me smile – often because of your loving, funny, irreverant, honest comments that go along with them. Your daily gratitude efforts inspire me (even if I don’t always read the whole text). And I love your scrapbook layouts.
I like the phrase “Compare and despair!”
To me, you are the popular girl! But one that I can occasionally “talk” to, because I could never talk to the popular girl in high school (in fact, she became my tormentor) Keep being you, even with the insightful thoughts on “bad” feelings, and I’ll keep reading.
Karen, you don’t have time for a pity-party. You have so much going for you. Look at the responses above. You are one of the “popular” girls. People love you, you inspire them.
Life is far too short. If you blink too quickly, you’ll wind up where I was. Twelve days. Lost. Never to be returned.
Just continue to be you. We all love you.
Thank you for your timely and wise words…really spoke to my soul today. Thank you!
Karen, you really inspire me and I look forward to your posts every day. Your photos, layouts and words are all wonderful to me. You are talented on so many levels and I think you touch more people than you know.
I don’t think you have to be “popular” to be an inspiration, and that is what you are! You have changed my life! (and I really do mean that!) Your class The Book of Stories at BPC and reading your blog everyday, and the creative therapy website all encourage me to look at the world in a deeper, more connected and emotional way. I created my first art journal page because of you! I have asked for Project Life for Christmas because I am dedicating 2011 to be the picture a day year because you say that it will make me a better photographer. And I am starting to look at how I scrapbook in a different way because your layouts are so powerful and poignant. I guess I just wanted to say thank you and don’t ever change!
Once again, Karen, you’ve managed to address exactly what I needed when I needed it and I must thank you for that. Your blog is one if not my favorite among those I read. I love the way you share your life, I love reading about your life and your boys and watching them grow, and I am just in awe of your layouts. You have inspired me enough to have me create numerous layouts. Before reading you, scrapping was not really my thing but your clean and powerful style has been a real eye opener. Don’t change a thing, you rock as you are. And for the record, I much prefer you to the snooty so called “popular girls” because unlike them, you are genuinely a wonderful human being.
Karen I love your blog and have been reading everyday. Yes, those popular girls that’s all they are is popular at least most of them. I agree with the blog above you are genuine and that’s what I like. Its been wonderful getting to know you this way and I hope to take another one of your classes at BPC.
you are “THE” popular women, with this blog you rock!!!….
you are doing everything by yourself, not your parents or in laws help, +working at home, scraping, reading, still in the pictures your house is clean and tidy, your children are adorable
who can ask for anything more
don’t compare your self with Ashton Kutcher darling… he has to jealous of you
they are spending their time tweeting.
you are using your time! every moment of it…
enjoy your parents, your family