Well I just entered my due week. I am sure you’re sick of reading about the baby and honestly, I want to write about other stuff, too. I am reading Blink by Malcolm Gladwell and it’s a fantastic book and it’s making me think a lot and generally those kind of books generate a lot of blog entires for me.
However, I am so big and contracting so much that I can’t seem to function much anymore. You try sleeping with a big, hard rock attached to your stomach and let me know how it goes. Part of me is scared of all the changes life will bring with this baby and that part knows that I should prolong labor as much as possible. While I might not be able to get sleep now, at least I don’t have a baby that completely depends on me. (Actually, I already do but it somehow doesn’t feel as real).
The other part of me can’t wait to finally see the little thing that’s been living in me for 9 months. I’d lie and say I am all calm about labor but I am scared shitless. Actually, I am scared shitless of the whole thing. I tend to enjoy predicatability. I don’t mean that I am afraid of unknown things cause I’ve ventured into the unknown many times in my life. I moved to the US for college all by myself. I lived in Japan for six months not knowing a word of the language and hating all the food. I left my cushy Wall Street job for a teaching job I believed in and then left that for a city I’d never seen in my life. I’m not afraid of conquering the unknown. In general.
This time, it’s different. This time it affects more than just me. Or Jake and me. I am bringing this little creature into the world because I wanted to and regardless of his or her wishes, she or he will hopefully live for a long long time in this world because of me. I will get to decide how s/he begins life. I will choose the first few friends. The first school. The clothes and experiences this baby will have until s/he is old enough to make decisions. That’s a huge load of responsibility.
In my mind, having a baby, and then a child, means that I am now fully subscribed into the land of the unknown. As opposed to venturing there every now and then, I will be taking permanent residence there. That might be exciting to a lot of people. It’s a bit scary to me. I couldn’t imagine doing it for a better reason but, it’s still quite overwhelming.
I am hoping that the day to day life will leave me with little enough time that I won’t ponder the weight of this too often. That, and the hormones finally leaving my body, should help, too.
I would have cropped it above the treetops… the sky just isn’t that interesting to me.
hmmm that’s an interesting point. I guess I like the purplish color so much that it didn’t occur to me. but i think you have a point. if i cropped most of it off, i might still get some of the pretty color and not lose anything from the photo. thanks for the suggestion!
Beautiful shot!
not to scare you more but the hormones don’t go away at birth, and if your nursing you will have them to deal with even longer. but PLEASE dont let that scare you. And feel free to ask any questions you need to. i’m an old hand at this.
Oh Karen….those hormones hang around positively forever, whether you breast feed or not. It’s called post-partum depression and can last up to a year.
Don’t be scared…so many of us have been there…and survived. You’ll be fine. And you have a support network…people who love you and worry about you. You’ll be fine.
Don’t worry about tomorrow, because it could change overnight.
Hey, Guess I jumped the gun the other day, huh? 🙂 You bet I’ll be watching this space for updates.
Even though I’m still a kid, I understand your concerns. Like most women, I’ve wondered what it’d be like to have kids one day.And I’m scared to death of the responsibilties. It feels like everything I’ll do will make them who they are and so the pressure to do everything right is tremendous. But then, no matter what mistakes my parents made, I turned out to be fine! 😉 So I
guess we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. After all, kids are hardy creatures, and as long as we take the major decisions with some sense(which I’m so sure you’ll do), they’ll be just fine!
And oh, you can say “F*** you!” if I sound too simplistic! 🙂
yeah, i figured the hormones would hang around… oh well. we do what we need to. thank you for your encouragement and offers of help, i will most likely take you up on it.
btw, annie, i know you are totally right intellectually and when i think logically, i do the same thing, it’s just my irrational emotional side that can’t stop worrying 🙂
Karenika,
It’s normal to be scared sh*tless. Labor isn’t anything like you’ve experienced and can also be hard to describe. The anxiousness to “get on with it” is fitting after nine, almost ten months of anticipation. How long does and elephant gestate? Is it something like a year and a half? Imagine!
Yeah, your life is about to change in ways you can’t even begin to imagine and you’re going to love it. All the protecting, loving and providing comes naturally. It must because I thought I didn’t have a maternal bone in my body but they turned out to be all 1,000% maternal in vivid and passionate ways. I’ll be looking forward to hearing how it all goes and of course to seeing some photos of the new one. Enjoy!