Recently, I was thinking about my college days. One of the most magical things about being in college is that you’re surrounded by people who’re exactly your age and in the same stage of their life as you are. And you’re independent and making your own decisions. You get to stay up all night or ditch class or take extra classes or go dancing all night. The decisions are yours. It’s an extreme example of finding yourself and being given all the room to do so while others around you are doing exactly the same thing.
It’s intense.
You might not be surprised to find out that I worked pretty hard through college. In the four years I was there, I got both my undergraduate degree and my graduate one, and I had a minor in Art. I also couldn’t believe I could take any class I wanted so I took a lot of random courses. So college wasn’t all fun and games for me. But I still remember having so much time. Making so many friends.
Like anything else there, friendships in college were intense too. You meet someone, you talk for hours. And then the next day you talk all day again. About nothing. About everything. I remember meeting people and then just spending hours talking to them. Maybe this is why the friends you make there tend to stick with you.
I recently had coffee with someone I really liked. I’d never really talked to this person one on one before and during the coffee, it became really apparent to me that we could talk for a long long time before we ran out of things to share.
But, alas. She has kids, and so do I. Husbands. Job. Life. The chance that we will get to spend hours and hours to chat is pretty close to slim. This is why I thought about college. That period when I could really dive deep into my friendships with people. When it comes to connecting, I am not a breadth person. I might have a bunch of acquaintances but I really prefer to have few, deep friends. So having a large quantity of quality time together is essential.
And I am not sure exactly how to accomplish that in my current stage of life.
When I am chatting with someone and I can tell that if only we spent more time together, dove deeper, were less worried about being cordial, could get right to the authenticity, we could really connect. Then I feel this urge to do something about it. I wish I could just pause the clock and sit there with that person and chat. Like I used to in college. Where all the urgencies of everything else falls away. Where time feels infinite. (Even though it never is.)
But, instead, I give her a hug and tell her I hope we can have coffee again soon. (knowing full well it might be months before “soon” comes.)
I know it’s just a stage of life. There will be other periods when my kids are out of the house or when I am retired where I have more time to connect. And I know I am lucky to have a husband who is my best friend. But I still wish I could find a way to connect more deeply now.
I miss the intensity of college. But I don’t seem to have any ideas on how to make it happen. I just know I want it.
Are her kids similar ages to yours? What about play dates. Or get a babysitter once a fortnight for a few hours and make a date to connect with her. Good luck!
It’s so serendipitous that you wrote about college. I just spent the weekend at my alma mater, which I graduated from 20 years ago. I am also in the process of writing a post about my visit and I feel much of the way you do about my college years, except it sounds like you were a much harder worker. LOL.
As for new and old friendships, I think that when you are fortunate enough to have a partner, it is possible to make time to spend time with friends. I am forutnate that my husband understands the importance for me to spend quality time with people other than him and my son.
Hey, Karen… I know the feeling SO very well! After 6 years of being back living in Cleveland, I finally found a woman like the new friend you described. One where I knew that if time and place were on our sides, we might become lifelong friends. (We share one of those, of course!) But time and place were against us, and when our family moved down here to Miami, we tried to keep in touch, but the chance to be close had already passed. I was probably saddest to leave her, even though there were many other acquaintances and friends I had known much longer, because I knew I had missed the opportunity for great friendship.
As a point of hopefulness, though, I met another such woman about eight months ago here in Miami. We went to the same College, missing each other by only a year, so we connected by volunteering for our College. Perhaps because she is not yet married with children, or perhaps because we share that strange bond of having experienced the same place at almost the same moment of growth in our youth, we have been able to have those conversations and build that bond. Perhaps the coolest part is that we initially built it through art, getting together to make some cards, and eventually just because it was worth it to sit at coffee for two hours.
So keep the faith and an open mind! College (and high school for me!) was certainly the easiest place to make good friends… but art offers an incredible opportunity to be open and share in a way that breaks down some of the social barriers we build as grownups as well. And you have art in spades. 🙂
Hope you are well… Kimmie
I wonder if she shares your passion for crafting and you could have one night together a month when you paint/ scrapbook/ collage and she knits/ scrapbooks/ journals? I miss much about living in the country I moved from, but top of the list is my weekly cropping date with my best friend (who also happens to be my sister – lucky me!)
I feel the same way, Karen. And as a single parent, it’s even harder because I don’t have anyone to leave the kids with for a “night out with a friend,” etc. The only time I have to connect with friends is a quick lunch during the week, and it’s barely enough to catch up on the everyday, nevermind dig deeper. I miss that so much about college too. :-/
When my friends started having kids, I miss the connection time with them so much. Even when we do get together, it’s always a rush and they’re not fully present. I fully understand the worries that parents carry around all the time. So, we meet lesser and lesser. I’m now more reliant on my own company and able to work things out on my own. It’ll still be nice to have a sounding board though. I often wonder if things will return the same once the children are grown up and everyone goes into retirement.