Locking in the Joy

In 2002, I quit my job to join Teach For America. What followed was some of the most difficult months of my life. I felt so sad, so lost, so frustrated during those months that it stained everything else about my life. As all of it was happening, I remember thinking that I had to make sure to write it all down. I knew that after many months, or years, I’d look back on it and tell myself that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. My memory would fade.

So I wrote it down. I wrote that I wanted to remember how bad it really was. What it was doing to me and why I decided to walk away and how it wasn’t a lightly-made decision. Because I wanted to erase the likelihood that I would look back and reprimand myself for not being tough enough to make it through.

While I might still have some bruised parts from having walked away from it, I can tell you that writing it down allowed me to really lock in the experience. It’s been ten years and I still remember it vividly. It was hard. It was terrible. It made me a shell of the person I was. I can go on and on. The important part is that I can still remember that feeling and connect to it right now because I took the time to lock it in.

And, today, I want to do that same thing but for the opposite reason.

For reasons I can’t specifically put my finger on, I have been feeling really good lately. Nothing amazing but just content, happy, relaxed, safe and loved. I have been going through my crazy-busy days and not stressing and not panicking and not yelling. I have been growing and learning from my experiences. Looking at things positively. I have had no refined sugar for two weeks now. I have been exercising daily. I am connecting with my kids and spending time with them. I have set up a regular date night with my husband. I have been taking time to connect with friends and work mates. I am doing ok at work and not stressing about things. I am just doing the best I can and letting myself off the hook when I need to.

For me, all this adds up to feeling good about myself. Showing up in the world in a positive way and assuming the best and being grateful.

And, it will change.

I know it will because everything does. Tomorrow I might wake up to a huge problem at work. I might lose my job. Something could happen to my kids or husband. Something could happen to me. It might even not be that big a thing. My supervision could go badly and my perspective of myself could completely shift. I could have a fight with my husband or yell at my kids. Someone could yell at me. Etc. etc. Big and small things happen every day. Emotions shift, feelings change.

Since I know I am feeling joyful at this very moment, I wanted to write it down and lock it in. So that I can remember this feeling and connect with it when I need to. Put it in my catalog of good experiences.

So that I can not just know but feel that it will come back around again.

So that when things go bad and I look back, I don’t tell myself it wasn’t as great as I thought it was. So that I don’t let my memory distort it.

It was great.

It is great.

I am grateful and I am locking it in.

If you’re in a good place right now, too, I hope you’ll lock it in with me. And if you’re not, maybe this can also remind you that you’ve been here before and will come back around to it again.