Can you change who you are?
At first thought, my instinct is to say, “yes.” One part will, two parts determination and mix thoroughly.
Over nine years ago, I moved to the United States. I remember the day I got accepted to Carnegie Mellon University as if it happened this morning. The telegram, the flowers and the tears. I’d wanted to come to America since my early teens and getting into CMU had been a long and strenuous journey.
I remember thinking that this was my one chance to change. To start over. No one knew me in the US, no one had grown up with the geeky Karen who wore glasses as thick as a coke-bottle bottom. No one knew my weaknesses, no one could use my past to make fun of me. It was the perfect opportunity to have a personal makeover. I was determined to change myself.
Week one came and I was cool. I made some new friends, I laughed at the right times, I wore the right things and I didn’t say anything too embarrassing. I don’t mean to imply that I was at the center of the in-crowd or anything, but I did manage not to screw up anything major. So it was possible to change oneself, after all.
Not exactly.
It took a few weeks or so, but eventually I made my way back to the original Karen. The one with the same set of flaws, the collection of not-so-cute quirks and the same baggage. The new Karen was just a role, and one can only act for so long. The new skin we create becomes uncomfortable. It’s too tight or too loose. It just doesn’t feel right.
Over the years, I’ve had a few opportunities to start over. The move to Pittsburgh, a new boyfriend, and then another, a move to New York City and a new job. Each presented me with the same titillating need to create a new Karen and every single time, I crawled right back into the familiar one.
So is it impossible to change oneself?
I think that when we make a conscious effort, it’s extremely difficult to change who we are. And yet, I also think that we change continuously. Each day of our lives small things happen. These tiny, insignificant bits change us in miniscule ways. Sometimes huge things occur and our personality takes leaps. But often times, these are not premeditated. So much so that even we might not notice that we changed until the right opportunity presents itself. Not only is it possible to change oneself, but we are continuously in the process of changing ourselves.
The trick is not to force it. To let nature take its own course. To recognize that the very first step to changing oneself is accepting oneself.
Previously? ‘Tis the Season .
You’re right… we *can’t* force it. It just happens. Because it takes so much more than just the desire to change to actually make it happen. And yet, something profoud *can* make people ‘evolve’ and ‘mature’ and ‘develop.’ They haven’t changed, they’re still the same person, but hopefully, even if it is by a small delta… a better person.
Fascinating post. I don’t think you can change who you are if you are relatively happy with who you are or large factions of who you have become. I made a huge change in my life and left all of my friends in Minneapolis to start over in Boston (though am currently on hiatus in Milwaukee for a few months first to overdose on family) and my original thoughts were to perhaps redo myself and just completely make me over.
However, in retrospect, and with further thought on the matter, I’ve realized I don’t want to change who I am at all. I like me. I make people laugh. I am polite to most everybody and blah blah blah good me stuff here. There are facets of myself I hope to embellish, like sociability and perhaps a bit of an overhaul of my love life, but those aren’t facets of my personality or being, so I think they’ll be relatively easy to change. They were once upon a time back in high school when I decided I wanted to make more friends so I just started saying hi to everyone in my classes. But the crap that comes with the good in me, that’s here to stay, and unless I reinvent a whole new persona, well, I might as well change my name at the same time, because otherwise the transformation would be very difficult to maintain.