Isn’t it? You just have to learn to look.

Today, a friend of Jake’s from work came to visit us with his wife and son. It was such a treat to have someone for the kids to play with. I have so many photos of Nathaniel’s face but not so many of the life we live. Just random shots with a lot in them so I decided I wanted more of those. However imperfect.

And the closeup of course. He just learned how to drink from this cup and enjoys doing it several times a day.

Great day. I finished my book last night. Magnificent one. I read 6 pages of another one before I went to bed. I woke up this morning, finished my kit layouts (more tomorrow) while Nathaniel and David ate breakfast and sat to read my book while Nathaniel napped. He decided to take a super-long nap which meant I could peacefully fall into my book (it was David’s wii day so he was playing.). I read nonstop for 3 hours. (bliss!) and then Jake’s friends came and we played and talked and had a lovely time. After they left, kids ate, showered and then went to bed. I made some coffee and dug back into my book. Finished it in one swoop. Karen Maezen Miller‘s new book Hand Wash Cold is absolutely and truly magnificent. Orders of magnitude better than the previous one which was truly amazing in its own right. More on this in a few weeks. I need to digest. Sit and write. But what an incredible way to spend my day. I was so moved by the end that I had to send her an email to thank her. Go find it and read it. I promise you will be grateful.

And now I am doing some photo processing, cleaning up, etc. Getting ready to start another book in bed. Feeling content in every single sense of the word. (That word seems to imply “blah” in our everyday use. Gives a feeling of settling. Nothing extraordinary. But if you look it up, it means: in a state of peaceful happiness. What more can one ask for?)

Note to Self:
One of the things I’ve been doing during this year of mindfulness and contemplation is working hard to separate my feelings/thoughts from the society’s. So I often ask myself “Does this really bother me or do I think it should?” This is my way of checking in with my own feelings. We are told so many things implicitly and explicitly by the people around us. By the media. By the movies. Books. Whatever. Everything and anything we consume has opinions. They often tell me how I should feel. While sometimes I really agree with them, other times I don’t. But it takes a lot of mindfulness for me to step back and separate my feelings from that of what’s around me.

For example, if I think about it deep down, it doesn’t really bother me that I don’t cook. Sure I want my kids to eat well and healthy. But they are both in excellent health. They are slim and active. They eat tons of fruits and as many vegetables as I can convince them to. They don’t eat any junk food or drink juice. So are they losing out because I don’t make intricate meals? Maybe but if I dig down deep, this is not something that really bothers me as much as I think it should. It only bothers me because I feel an invisible pressure to be a better mom which it (amongst other things) defined by cooking for my kids. And sometimes I do cook. And maybe I will do so more. But because I like to not because I feel pressure to.

I also often chat with my husband over IM. Sometimes we spend the whole night apart. He sits in his office in the garage and I sit in the living room working, doing art, reading. We might send some messages over Instant Messenger. We sometimes even use this medium to talk about concerns we have. We’ve found over the years that it adds a boundary that allows us to better manage our emotions and talk things out more clearly and listen to each other better. Some people might find these things crazy. People laugh at me a lot. But in the end, when I think deeply about it, it doesn’t bother me. These are the ways in which we’ve found to live our lives happily. It works for us. We’ve had a long and lasting relationshop for sixteen years. We love each other deeply and truly enjoy each other’s company. I know how much he loves me. He’s there for me every single time I need him and every single time I want him. So does it really bother me that we don’t always sit next to each other? No. It only does when someone tells me how they always sit with their husband every night, in a way that implies that this is a must-have for a sound marriage.

I have come to believe that there is no such thing a fast-and-hard rule about things like marriage, motherhood, or even life. There are families where the kids and parents eat dinner at a table every single night and yet the conversation is fake, the connection is nonexistent and there are families who eat in front of the TV but yet they are truly immersed in each other’s lives and are there for each other. Life, connections, and people are not simple enough to be reduced into one-liners. There are no rules that work across the board. It’s important to note what works for you and then do it without shame or worry. I feel like I am blessed to have found a way to make things work and make our life joyful for all of us. I will not let my worry of what others think ruin that for me. So, each time I find myself annoyed about something, I will work on remembering to ask: “Does this really bother me?”

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am yet again grateful for my kids, but especially David today. Jake’s friends’ little boy Nico was 20 months old and David was so incredibly gentle with him. There were times he boy tested his patience. Once he almost bit David. He yelled at him several times but David was regularly kind even though you could tell he was close to losing it a little. They ran around the house giggling, shrieking, and had a great time. I am so thankful for his patience, gentleness, and generosity of spirit.
2. Grateful for another incredible book. One that moved me deeply. One that I will definitely read all over again. And for writers like Karen.
3. Grateful for my kit today. I love scrapbooking. I love getting to tell my stories. I love looking over them. Feeling grateful for years of storytelling. And for Nathaniel’s baby book which is so close to being done. Can’t believe he’s almost one.

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. The Wii of course.
2. Playing with Nico

Nature is magnificent. Fierce and calming and colorful and astounding. Isn’t it?

This morning, Jake had put a box of cereal on his bag to remember to take it to work. The little squirrel found it, shook it and then was thrilled to discover food coming out of it, which he proceeded to eat. And then his water was nearby, too so he basically spent the next ten minutes, shaking, eating, and drinking. He was mighty happy. Until I took the box away which he protested loudly.

We had our playgroup today after a few week absence. It was fun to be with other mommies and it was great to get a bit of sunshine.

I love these shots of the eyelashes. I loved them on David, too.

I’ve taken a small break from the journal to work on my A Million Memories layouts. April kit is absolutely beautiful and already sold out. I am working feverishly to finish Nathaniel’s baby book. I am trying to keep in mind a few good lessons I’ve learned this week (more below). I am enjoying the process but also focusing on progress. I am also hand-journaling on most of these, to make the process faster and more authentic.

And here’s the wonderfully welcome weekend. I just finished my book which was great but it always leaves me with a sad moment since starting a book is much harder for me than going through one. But I do have one this week that I am excitedly waiting to dig into. And not an electronic one even. So I am not as sad as usual.

Note to Self:
I was listening to Paperclipping Roundtable podcast yesterday and I heard a few pithy comments that I was still thinking of today, especially as I scrapbooked. The two guests were a listener, Heather Lord and Stephanie Howell, and they both said something that stuck with me. Stephanie said how years from now when her girls look at her layouts, they will not complain about how it doesn’t have the visual triangle and while I laughed, it’s so true. When I was looking through the layouts with David yesterday, he couldn’t care whether the photos were perfect or laid on the paper perfectly. He just loved that they were there. He wanted to hear the stories. The rest didn’t matter. He won’t care that the paper I used was six months old. He won’t even care if the greens or blues match honestly. He will only focus on the photos and the stories, I am sure of it. This is important to remember for me as I struggle to put my layouts together, especially when I focus so hard on the embellishments and where each should go.

Heather also said something pithy. She said her phrase of the year is “It’s better finished than perfect.” (I apologize, I am paraphrasing, since I am writing from memory.) But it’s so true! Years from now, the only layouts I will have are the ones I finished. The stories I did tell. Even without photos. Even with crappy photos. Or even with just photos. (As much as I like telling the story I think it’s still better to have a layout with photos that tell a story than no layout at all.) Maybe it was at some point, but scrapbooking is not art for me anymore. For art, I do the art journaling, the tags, etc. Scrapbooking is for telling my stories. It’s for keeping our memories. So a layout done, however imperfect, is MUCH better than a layout that is never done. So this is a good mantra for me. Something I need to remember as I get frustrated with how far from perfect my page looks. Better done than perfect!

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Grateful for another weekend. This weekend is a bit packed and I feel a bit stressed but I love the weekend. Being with my family and not having to stress about tending to both the kids and work is wonderful.
2. Grateful for magnificent books. Books that touch you deeply. There’s nothing like it.
3. Grateful to be scrapping this weekend. Any chance to tell our stories, to play with our photos. I am blessed.

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Getting to go to the park with Mommy and Nathaniel’s baby group
2. Watching Hannah Montana before bed

Our CSA started up again this week and I was so happy to see the box. I was just thinking this week that I need to stop the cycle of eating graham crackers, coffee and chocolate for all my meals. And now I have fresh veggies and I ate a salad with carrots, tangerines, pears, and some of yesterday’s Batman pasta. Some vinegar and oil and I was set. Delicious even. I was thinking they should make a website where you put in ingredients you have and it spits out recipes. There must already be a site that does that, no?

I wanted to post some photos of what’s typically happens around here. Just to make sure I have a memory of it. Here’s David watching Pink Panther as he eats his green beans. Usually I am not fond of him watching anything while he eats but I’ve found this makes him finish the veggies faster and with less whining so I left him do it during the veggies.

Nathaniel had some mangoes today and I tried to have another go at the fork, but not much success.

Here he is crawling around with the phone and the Tivo remote. Something he likes to do quite often. He’s figured out that the Tivo turns on the TV so he can do that several times a day, too.

And he absolutely loves taking off the power cable of my computer.

And while he stares at it, and as he brings it into his mouth, I go for an emphatic “No!”

Which is then met with this face.

And this face.

And then this face.

And finally this one.

We do this several times a day. It doesn’t seem to get old for him, ever.

Another semi-productive day. I haven’t managed to do any art, yet but I am about to, I hope. I made progress at work and David’s first day back wasn’t so hard on our schedule though Nathaniel did not take his afternoon nap at all. I can’t believe we’re mid-week already. This year seems to be flying by too fast.

Note to Self:
I’ve been thinking for some time now that I need some local friends. People around here that I can hang out with regularly. Even if once a month. I would love a local reading group. Or an art group. Something that I can count on recurringly where I am connecting with others with some kind of similar interest. The thing is, I am not sure how to go about making this happen. How do people meet people? I am not entirely sure where to start which is how I’ve been stuck for months, now.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. We went to the accountant to sign all the paperwork and checks for the taxes today. It’s all done. It’s our first time using an accountant and while I didn’t like to have to pay for it, I am so grateful it’s done.
2. I am grateful for the quietness of the last few days. I feel like I am getting things done but slowly. I am not adding to my todo list and I am crossing things off. I am not stressing myself out. I am feeling happy and calm for the most part.
3. I am grateful for nice comments and kind emails. I write this blog mostly for myself. for keeping a record of my life. But i do love the comments, the emails, the connection with others. so, thank you, i am grateful to you.

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Playing the Indiana Jones game in his Didj
2. Getting to make the lego cars with Mommy
3. Nathaniel (he had 3 today. he was grateful for Nathaniel)

Last of my nature photos; I’m going to have to go take some photos tomorrow.

I thought today would be a good day to get Nathaniel to try pasta for the first time. David still doesn’t eat any pasta or rice and I wanted to make sure Nathaniel has a chance to try it all before he’s too old to be open-minded. I had some Spiderman pasta I’d bought for David so I cooked it for him. I tried giving it to him one at a time but he wouldn’t take it so I just plopped the whole bowl on his tray.

He stared for a while and then reached for one.

Stuck it in his mouth.

Chewed for a while.

And then wasn’t so happy.

But thankfully he continued. And I kept watching him and letting him try things. Until he picked up the bowl.

Which meant bowl-time was over and I tried a fork. But that wasn’t so successful either. He ate a few more and then we decided it was time to put it away and try more again tomorrow.

And here’s a cutie shot just for me.

He’s still dripping. After all I wrote yesterday, I sat and did an art journal page last night and it was so much fun. I loved it. It made me happy. I even played around with one today and started journaling, too. Still feeling a bit iffy but I am happy to be dipping my toes in.

A completely uneventful day here. Tomorrow David’s school starts back up and with Nathaniel’s new nap schedule it promises to be a bit disaster-ish. But I will keep an open mind and see how it goes.

Note to Self:
I noticed today that my desire to belong extends to my hobbies as well. I had been struggling so hard with scrapbooking and my place in it for the longest time. Which is a bit ridiculous since it’s a hobby. But when I get really involved in the community surrounding my hobby, I suddenly feel the need to fit in. To become a bigger part of the community. When I joined AMM, I quickly needed to be on the Design Team which would make me feel a greater sense of belonging. Years ago, when I wrote novels, I used to be a part of this community called Writers’ Village University (I am still a part of it now. Lifetime member.) and even there, I quickly needed to belong. I wasn’t just a member. I worked on their magazine. I wrote and taught classes. I did the same at AMM and then BPS and I even taught elsewhere. I applied for Manufacturer Design Teams. I wanted to write books. I wanted to belong. The need to belong is so acute in me. The need to be accepted, chosen, picked. And it’s pretty insatiable. I wanted to teach at BPS so badly. It was a dream come true for me. Still is. And yet I still get sad that I don’t get published in magazines or get picked for design teams. (To be fully honest, I haven’t applied in a year but back when I was, I didn’t get picked at all.) And yet, I know that most people I know who are on teams are overworked and frustrated and do not really really enjoy it. And I know that it would stress me out. It might even make me feel inauthentic. I don’t want to scrap for the product, I want to scrap for my stories. My life. My kids. And yet, the need to belong is overwhelming. Insatiable. It spreads all over my life.

Today, I thought about all this again. About my motivations behind things. About whether I can ever scrap just for myself again. Can I stop needing to belong? I belong with such good friends already. An incredible husband. Amazing kids. Loving and generous parents and sister. A fantastic job. Do I really need to create all this drama around my hobbies? Things I’m supposed to be doing for fun. I don’t know how to do this. But I know that I need to. This is about being mindful after all. I am open to suggestions.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am thankful for the small piece of art I did last night. Seeing it made me smile this morning.
2. I am thankful for getting to read to David tonight. I tend to want to rush bedtime routine and don’t always enjoy my time but tonight we snuggled into bed and I read the Polar Express to him. I know it doesn’t seem that way but I also know that my days of getting to read stories to him, snuggled up in bed are numbered and I am deeply thankful for them.
3. I am thankful for spending the whole day in my pajamas. I had absolutely no errands or chores today and I sat and worked and played with my kids.

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Getting to level 3 in his Batman Didj game.
2. He couldn’t think of a number two as we didn’t do a whole lot today but then I told him he can pick general things too so he said he’s thankful for his Daddy. (not for you, Mommy, he added, oh so nicely.)