I registered David for Kindergarten today. Oh my how the time passes. It wasn’t so long ago that he looked so tiny and couldn’t walk or talk. And now he’s almost off to school. Life really does pass so quickly.

When I came back home, the day turned hectic quickly, not to mention the almost two weeks of work that’s been piling up while we were away and sick. This and next week promise to be rough at work.

And since Nathaniel is going through the “i must lie on your lap and be right on you” phase, I dragged a big bin of toys into my room and encouraged him to explore while I worked.

It worked for a while but it didn’t take him too long to figure out that he wasn’t lying on my lap at which point he indicated clearly that, that was to be remedied asap.

So most of the day went in a blur. Trying to keep the kids happy and get through as much work as possible. I have a bunch more to do tonight before I can rest. And since Nathaniel is spending most of the night unhappy and screaming, I am not getting much rest either. Oh well. C’est la vie.

Note to You:
So many people leave comments here about how much I do and how they don’t know how I do it all and I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that I totally don’t do it all. I know that the web has a tendency to skew things and make you think you know all about someone’s life and it gives you the unfortunate opportunity to compare their best to your worst so I wanted to make sure you knew about the long list of things I DO NOT get done that I think most people do:

I do not cook (maybe once a week and even then really simple things, most people spend a lot of time cooking daily). I do not clean. I put the dishes in the machine and away and wipe the counters but that’s it. I have a wonderful cleaning lady who comes and does the rest of the house. I haven’t even unpacked my vacuum cleaner. (Another thing that a lot of people do daily.) There are nights when my kids get a long nighttime routine with baths, stories, etc. and just as many nights when they go right to sleep. I don’t put make up on. Almost ever. Even these things take time. I rarely ever just watch TV. I am often scrapping, working, or processing photos while I watch TV. I have too many emails sitting in my inbox unanswered. (more than i’d like). I don’t hang out with my friends regularly. (Actually we all hang out very rarely, most of us work a lot and have kids and our lives are too hectic. This is something I’d like to change but haven’t managed to yet.) I also don’t talk on the phone all that much. Besides AMM, I don’t have any online communities I spend time on. I spend no time on Facebook or Twitter and check them maybe once a day and more often once or twice a week. I don’t exercise at all. None. I play with my kids but they also play on their own a lot. David spends a few hours everyday by himself. Drawing, playing, whatever but it’s quiet time where he plays alone, I work and the baby sleeps. Both my kids go to bed between 6-7 so we have reasonable amount of time alone at night.

So here are a list of things I don’t do. Things most people do and things that take time. I use that time to do other things I like to do like reading and art, etc. And it goes in spurts. Some days I am super productive and get three weeks of work/stuff done in two days and then other days I get nothing done all day. I think this is natural and I’ve come to accept it (albeit begrudgingly.) But I wanted to make sure you knew that I slack in a million ways (some of which I am sure you wouldn’t approve of) and I am no super-human.

Note to Self:
I am really uncomfortable with new things and with the unknown. I am one of those people who can eat the same meal every single day and never bore. I like the familiar. This is not to say I don’t like challenges but I do worry about what I don’t know. Today I got a new assignment at work and I know nothing about it. And I was immediately overwhelmed with the responsibility and the not knowing how to fix it all at once. I like to be good at my job and I am always worried about how much I don’t know and how well I want to perform. So what I tend to do is build up a lot of adrenaline from the stress and worry and dive into solving this problem of the “unknown” immediately. And it’s exactly what I did. I stressed and tried to learn all that I could. Except that I can’t really do it until next week so I have to be patient and just hope that when the time comes, I will be able to figure it out. You’d think after a career of 14 years I’d trust myself more but I am still scared, still worried about messing up. I need to breathe more, calmly learn as much as I can, prepare as much as I can and then just trust myself and my abilities more. It will all work out. It always does, even when it doesn’t.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. A really high quality public school, right by our house. (A distinguished one even.)
2. Awesome people to work with. Fun, intelligent, kind, generous and so helpful. What more can I ask for?
3. Having someone else do our taxes for once. I hate doing them and I am thankful that someone else can help us.

Now that the day is over and I look back, I am shocked at how little I did today. I finished a book and read a bunch of another one and that’s it. I hugged my kids. I didn’t even rest but I feel great. I am not all recovered and I am a bit scared of all that has to get done this week but it’s ok. It will all work out, one step at a time. Yes, it will.

Nathaniel still chews like mad. He’s got four teeth and another two coming out. He’s so cute. (And, yes, don’t worry, I make sure parts don’t come off that man.) He is going through this phase though, where he comes and lies on my lap all day long. I love it unless I have to get something done. Then it makes me go a bit crazy. And at night….well let’s just say it’s no fun at night.

Note to Self:
Two things today. The first is that I was chatting with my mom on Skype today and she had a bunch of friends over so they were all over the video talking to me and my kids. Usually this would irritate me to no end. (A long story that involves a lot of frustrations from my childhood that I might finally be letting go of.) But today, for the first time, I realized what she must be feeling while she did this. As her friends talked to David and watched Nathaniel and gushed over both of them, I felt so proud of my kids. I am so proud of them. I don’t take credit and feel like it’s my doing but I still feel like my kids are great (for the most part) and I am proud of them and so while they talked to them, I was beaming. Then I realized that it must be how my mom feels about me. Why she wants to show me off to others. In my many years of running away and wanting to be “private” I’ve sort of denied her that joy. I’m sorry, Mom and I love you. I’ll try to be much more accommodating, I promise.

The second thing was during dinner. I made Nathaniel some peas and apples and while he was eating them, I put the bowl on his tray and his fingers went right in it. Normally I’d freak out and take it away to make sure he doesn’t make a mess but tonight I just let him play. He got all dirty but he loved it. He was so fascinated with it and he didn’t actually do the kid thing of smearing it everywhere. He just played and looked at it and touched it some more. It reminded me that I need to let go more (yes, i know i say this every day). It’s ok to make a mess. It’s ok to give up a bit of control. I cleaned up and then we had a fun bath and all was good as new.

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am grateful for friends like Tonya and Lori who are online for me to chat with and vent to when I need it.
2. I am grateful for a long and nice conversation with my friend Diane whom I look up to in so many ways. It’s an extra privilege to be able to help someone whom you look up to so much.
3. I am grateful that Jake is back home, safe and sound. Our home is so much better with him in it.

Remember how I wrote about eating better a few weeks ago. I am still working on that. Jake went grocery shopping yesterday and bought a lot of fruits and veggies and some meat for us. So, this morning, I cooked some beef, broccoli, eggplant, eggs, and squash. (all separately) and I have them all ready in the fridge. I also cut up tomatoes and cucumbers. I then made myself this lunch.

And stuck most of it in a sandwich.

Yum.

Since I don’t cook most of the time, we rarely ever eat and meat or fish here. I decided I needed more protein (more energy) so I got some beef, chicken, and some sole and I plan to cook it all in the next two days and eat a little along with my meals every day. I figure it will take me to Thursday or so. For Friday, I have some tuna. Not to mention the protein from eggs and cheese and yogurt. And then we’ll shop again on the weekend. Not bad, eh?

Here’s the little boy. He still has some dry blotches all over his skin from the Big Bear trip but I am hoping they will go away soon. Still the drippy, full nose, too.

I am feeling a bit better. Still not 100% but on the mend. Thankfully. A mostly-quiet day here today. A nice chat with my mom, some fun time with the kids and a bunch of cooking. Nothing at all major. Now relaxing with TV and possibly some sewing.

Note to Self:
I was watching The Barefoot Contessa today and I noticed that after she cooks (or even as she cooks) she always says how delicious something looks or how great it tastes, etc. Like she’s self-congratulating the whole way through. When I see people say how much they love their layouts, art, whatever, my first reaction is always to think “what makes you so great?” and I realized today how bitter and cynical that sounds. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s cynical. I’ve also realized I do that because I am never happy with anything I do. I am never proud of myself or my work or art. I don’t know if I feel it’s snotty to be so or if I feel that me being proud would preclude others from being so or who knows why. Then I wondered how life might be if I really did like my work. If I were proud of myself. More significantly, if I liked myself. What if I just liked everything I made. What if I were happy with it. And marveled at it (like Ina does) wouldn’t that be amazing? I think that would significantly change the way the world works for me. Wouldn’t it be awesome if I were just happy with my art? Not in a “I am just perfect” way but in that “This was an awesome effort” way?

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am grateful for all the cooked food in the fridge. It makes me happy to open it and see all the possibilities.
2. I am grateful that I am feeling so much better and all of us finally seem to be on the mend. That took too long.
3. I am grateful for some quiet time where I get to relax and do whatever my heart desires.

Happy Saturday!

And more snow. Sick of it yet?

Now that the kids are well, it was bound to happen: I am totally sick. Shivering, sweating, in pain, sick sick sick. Last night was really scary, I was drenched in sweat and Nathaniel was crying and I wasn’t sure how to make it to morning. It’s funny that I was telling Jake I wish I could have a weekend where I did nothing but watch TV. And he said that I could and I said that I couldn’t. It looks like I can because I certainly cannot do anything else. I am so so tired. I guess this is the universe’s way of telling me to rest.

Here’s David wearing my hat. Doesn’t he look amazing?

Nathaniel wasn’t too excited about wearing it. Like his mommy, he doesn’t care for hats.

Not much else to say today except that I am tired. I hope you have a fantastic weekend.

Note to Self:
I was watching a TV show today where a girl had an accident which caused her to have to give up on a particular dream (she was a gymnast and she broke her back) and it made me realize that we’re so lucky because in our lifetime we get to have so many dreams. If you’d told me ten years ago that I would spend this much time scrapbooking and doing art, I would have laughed at you. I was writing novels then and had dreams about bring in print. Now I have dreams related to my art. Ten years from now, I will have other dreams. I dreamt about living in New York, San Diego, and San Francisco and got to have them all come true. I dreamt about a green card and then citizenship. I dreamt about healthy kids. I just feel lucky that I get to dream so much and so many of my dreams come true. It also reminds me not to get caught up on any particular dream too much, as I am likely to have more dreams so it’s ok if one particular one doesn’t come true.

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am thankful to have lots of fun TV to watch since I am so sick and not really able to do much of anything else.
2. I am thankful that Jake bought lots of groceries today and we have fresh fruits and veggies to eat now.
3. I am thankful that I have the world’s greatest kids and that they were so nice to me today when I really needed them to be. I am really so very blessed and I do not forget that for an instant.

More snow. There was so so much.

Things are finally getting better here. The kids are feeling better. The noses are still running but fevers are gone and the moods are improved. I love watching my kids play together. I get so much joy out of it.

And here’s the little boy. Always with things in his mouth.

Chewing and chewing. He’s already got 4 teeth and I think 2 more are coming out. I am guessing that’s why he’s chewing so very much.

Nathaniel was really off last night. His nose was so full that he couldn’t sleep and wanted to hold my hand from 10-midnight. He slept on my hand and if I moved at all, he’d wake up and cry. And then he woke up at 4:30 and would not go back to sleep so he just nursed and nursed until morning and since he hadn’t eaten enough yesterday, I just let him drink. Which all meant that I was wiped all day.

Note to Self:
There are certain things that I just don’t deal well with and it’s important for me to know that. Today, someone came to fix the crack in our windshield and within minutes I was signing all these waivers that my windshield might crack or that I could still see the crack even when it’s filled and I just felt immediately stressed out. I was annoyed that I had to make such choices and I was frustrated that if they broke my window, it was going to be my problem. It could be that I was so tired but I just felt overwhelmed and unable to make the decision. As it turned out, he fixed the crack and we’re all set but it was amazing to notice how much I got worked up over it.

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am really grateful that the windshield is now fixed.
2. I ordered our Christmas tree and that makes me really really happy. It was on my list since the first week of January.
3. I am thankful my family is healing and that things might slowly be getting back to normal.