Well I finally got around to doing the todo list and let me tell you, it didn’t make me feel better. Maybe it’s cause there are 53 items on there. Ugh. Well at least now it’s all on paper and I can slowly start churning through them all.

Relatively good day today, got some work done, got some personal stuff done, only a few meltdowns in the house, what more can I ask for, right?

Here’s the little boy. He’s so so cute, I cannot help but kiss him all day long. I don’t understand how some moms can wear lipstick. How do you kiss your baby all the time if you have lipstick on?

Well I won’t linger too long, got lots to do.

Note to Self:
It’s amazing how a tiny good thing can give you an energy jolt. A small case of output being higher than expected. A teeny good news. Anything really. Just like one insignificant fight can ruin the day. It feels like my psyche is so fragile, so easily influenced. This is something I need to work on, at least on the down side. Understanding that things happen and they don’t mean anything. I plow onward and upward.

I also tend to take on other people’s bad moods. If David is sad or Jake or Aurelia and I can’t fix it. It ruins my day. Even if I wasn’t the cause of it, because I can’t fix it, I decide it’s my fault and soon I am even more depressed than they are. Which is stupid and it’s doesn’t help. Something else I have to work on. Add it to the list.

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. My list. As long as it is, there’s nothing like seeing it all in front of you. Now it’s much more likely to get done.
2. Creative Therapy. I was working on tomorrow’s catalyst post tonight and I love seeing all the art. I love how diverse our team is. I love the guests we have. I love what the site represents to me. I love that we’ve been doing it week in and week out for 96 weeks. That’s a long time. I am so proud of that site. So proud of that tiny lot in cyperspace.
3. Leftovers. Since we had guests last night, we got some delicious Turkish food and there were plenty of leftovers which I ate for lunch and dinner. Nothing like delicious Turkish food.

Apologies for the delay today. We had guests over last night and by the time they left I had to go to sleep.

Here’s Aurelia in action.

Mondays are very hectic for us. It just feels like a rush after the quiet of the weekend and I have an afternoon meeting close to dinner time which throws off the evening into a mad rush. But this week the meeting was canceled so that made the day a bit easier and meant we could slow down a bit which was a welcome change.

I got a lot done today. After I dropped off David at school, I went to the school he will attend next year for a tour. Then I called several embassies for all my paperwork. Then I got a ton of work done and by the end of the day I felt spent but also happier. Still have to make that to do list though. Haven’t gotten in the groove of the year yet and it’s halfway through January.

Note to Self:
We had dinner with four of Jake’s friends from college. It was neat being in the same room with people who went to the same college as I did and rehash some old memories. My first years in America were so different than my life now and I often wish I could go back and re-live them with all that I know now. I bet I will say that about my kids later, too. But life doesn’t work that way, of course. It goes in the order it does.

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. Dinner with new-old friends. It’s nice to have company and adults to talk to.
2. Getting to see where David will go to kindergarten. Living close to a good school.
3. My meeting being canceled. Nothing like getting an hour of your life back.

I was very relaxed today. I spent the day reading and playing with my boys. I was calm and collected most of my day and felt peaceful. Not rushed, not stressed, not like I wasn’t doing something I was supposed to. Days like this are rare for me.

In the afternoon little boy and I took a walk together. Just a little stroll where he sucked on his thumb and looked around and I snapped some photos and we both got some fresh air. And then I snapped a few of him. My wonderful boy.

Note to Self:
Several thoughts on my mind today. As I lay in bed, reading my book, I realized why I love reading so much. Reading doesn’t require anything from me. When I write, when I create art, when I take photos, I judge my work all the time. I strive to do better. I work hard. I am impatient. Judging. Not good enough. It sucks a piece of my soul every time no matter what. Yet reading demands nothing of me but my presence. It gives me things. It gives me thoughts, feelings, connection, joy. I love reading. It will always be my first true love.

As I was walking around today I realized that photography gives me two big presents. One is that I remember better. My memory has never been so great, I forget things all the time. And yet when I take a photo of a moment, not only does the photo preserve it, but I seem to remember it all better just due to the fact that I took a moment to photograph that. The act of preservation on paper, preserves it in my brain. The other wonderful thing photography gave me is that I now see the world more. I pay attention more. I look at the details. The colors. The small bits of water hanging on to leaves. The tiny buds waiting to emerge. Things that most people walk by, things that usually go unnoticed. I see them. I feel them. Photography helps me live the world more alive. More aware. What a great gift.

I have been eating really badly lately. Not the burger and fries kind but the coffee and graham cracker kind. Some days I will eat a bunch of crackers, some yogurt and two coffees for my whole day’s meal. I am still nursing 6-8 times a day so this is not only bad for me but it’s also bad for the baby. All this processed food is keeping my energy level low and isn’t adding anything to my already sleep-deprived state. This was one of the first years I didn’t even think to resolve to lose weight. I am done with diets. I don’t want to live my life that way. But I do want to eat healthier. I want to have better eating habits. Set a better example for my children. So I decided to start something new. Once a week, I will cook veggies for the week and cut up a ton of fruit and put it in the fridge. This way, each time I open the fridge there’s something healthy and fresh ready to eat. It might not work, but it’s certainly worth a try.

I’ve noticed that I am so impatient. I rarely like to revise my words. I am so done with them once they are out of me. I rush through my art, even processing my photos. I hate leaving pieces undone. I don’t take my time. I rush rush rush to finish. I wonder what would happen to my art if I slowed down, if I took several hours or days to get it done. Will it end up better? Or what if I just gave myself 30 minutes? Does the output quality actually change? Would my art look different? I wonder…

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. That little walk in the afternoon. I rarely take them and they always make me feel better. I should take more walks.
2. Watching a movie in bed with my husband, holding hands. Can life get any better than that, really?
3. Feeling like I have no reason to rush. Being able to take it easy even if just for a day. I meant to take a bubble bath today. I’ll have to do that tomorrow.

David made this today. He told me it helps him brainstorm ideas. (Brainstorm?? where did he learn that word?)

And here he is using it. He said it works super-fast!

And then he went to play outside so Aurelia chased after him and watched him from inside the house.

And he smiled.

And David laughed and entertained him.

I love my boys.

I got to sleep in this morning. (Thank you, my love) and the difference between getting one or two hours of sleep is tangible. Waking up in less pain is magical. As promised, I took it easy today. I finished Julie and Julia, I read some of my book, I played with my kids, I cooked food for Aurelia and for myself, David and I started a crafty project, and I even did a catalyst. Now I am relaxing more, watching some TV, and I am glad I get to have one more day of this.

Note to Self:
This whole week has felt all out of sorts for me. Last three weeks to be honest. I think tomorrow is a good day to sit down and get organized. I know I function better when I make lists. They help me take stock of where I am and what needs to get done. I’ve been so off lately that I haven’t even looked at my todo lists, let alone make them. Even if the list is a mile-long I know that I feel better when I’ve made it.

Part of me can’t believe it’s only been a week since this year has officially started and another part of me is worried January is already over. (We’ve been booking some things so the end of the month and the next month are all on my mind.) This year hasn’t felt like a new year just yet. I need to do something for it to feel more right. Now if only I knew what it was…

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. Long naps. Aurelia took an extra-long nap this morning. David played downstairs while I read and relaxed. It was nice to have the extra bit of quiet time. As with David (when he was a baby) I found myself feeling frustrated that I didn’t know it was going to be a long one or I would have planned to use the time better. That’s me. Always the optimizer. But here we are. It was still nice to have it.
2. My husband filled up the gas in my car. This is something I just don’t enjoy doing. Not sure why and I can do it if I need to but it’s something I always dread so it was extra-nice of him to do this for me.
3. While I love the holiday season, I’m always bummed that TV is on hiatus and I am thankful that it’s finally coming back and I can watch some of the shows I like again. I love watching TV and I will not apologize for it. So there 🙂

I snapped a photo of these at today’s play group. You know how I love tulips. Here’s one of Aurelia at the play group, too.

Uneventful day yet I still feel wiped and overwhelmed. Who knows what it’s all about. Aurelia did sleep better last night, thank God. Not much to report from today. I am looking forward to the weekend and I plan to take it easy. I think my body and heart both need that.

Note to Self:
I go around and around and always end up here. Validation. Feedback. Why is it something I need so much? Do I think that other people liking me makes me a better person? If they love me, will I also love me? Of course, not. It all starts with me. Gotta remember that better. How do I find a way to remember that?

I’ve been a bit behind in my catalysts. I want to make them but I’ve been too tired to sit and do art. I am not feeling inspired. I question my ability to create anything worthy. Whatever that means. Tonight I told myself that maybe I should just do some digital pages. For me, that’s almost like I’m cheating. Doing them for the sake of doing them. But then I remember it’s more about “Therapy” than “art.” If I also get to create beautiful art, that’s wonderful, but not if it gets in the way of the therapy. Just like the weekly gratitude. The goal is to get the stories down. The words. Those are the magic for me. The words. Gotta remember.

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. The man who fixed our back door. The door that opens from the living room to the back yard has been broken for two weeks now. I use that door twenty times a day, so it’s been really frustrating not to have it. I tend to take these kinds of situations and let them really really get me worked up. So I’ve been carrying this around for over ten days. When it finally got fixed (we hope!) today, it was a big relief. I can now put all this frustration down.

2. Aurelia’s baby group. While I’m still apprehensive and shy around the women, I love that Aurelia has someone to play with once a week for an hour. He doesn’t get it yet but still, it’s good for him to play with other little babies, wander around in someone else’s house. I love that he has that.

3. Simple yet entertaining movies. I’ve been brain-dead for a few days now. I have read a little but I’ve mostly been watching movies. I’ve watched 500 Days of Summer, Post-Grad, All About Steve, and now Julie and Julia. None of them were masterpieces but I loved them all. I loved the little bit of relaxation they gave my soul.