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I’ve always been curious. About everything. When I was little, I asked questions incessantly. People used to tell my mom to stop answering them but she didn’t. I’m really glad she didn’t because it made me feel like it was okay to ask all the questions I had. I still ask questions. All the time. I don’t worry about looking stupid. I figure I can’t learn unless I ask. That’s always been my principle. I figured everyone to be curious. Some people might be scared or shy and thus not ask but they still wondered. How can anyone look at the sky and not wonder why it’s blue? Why mirrors reflect backwards? How can people drive without knowing how a car works? Almost every kid I meet stacks on the “why?”s so often that I knew it was built into our system. So the question is: Do we get too shy to ask or do we not care? There definitely is a section of people who get “too shy to ask.” They’ve either been shushed or, even worse, humiliated somewhere along the line and decided it’s best to stop asking. They figure if they don’t ask, they can’t be made fun of and they can’t feel stupid. We spend so much time trying to not look stupid that we choose to hide our lack of knowledge instead of taking the opportunity to learn. Which means we stay “stupid”, isn’t that a bit stupid? As much as those people make me sad, the people in the second category make me even sadder. Do people really stop being curious? Last year, when I was teaching, I had kids who had already decided that they were “no good at math” and when we had our math lessons, they would tune out. They weren’t curious why something worked the way it did. They just wanted to know (be told) the right answer and move on to the next problem. Their curiosity had been completely squashed out of existence. I can’t think of anything sadder.
The Big Apple: Thanks to the successful rollout, I get two days off so Jake and I decided to use this time to take a long weekend in New York. We haven’t been back there since we moved out last April so I can’t tell you how excited I am to be going back to the city I love and to see the friend I miss so dearly. I will also make sure to take a ton of pictures and eat bagels while I am there. Driving: I’ve finally managed to drive to work all by myself Monday morning for the first time. For those of you who’ve been following my ineptitude with cars, you know this is a huge achievement for me. I am hoping it’s a sign that I might eventually be able to drive though I might have to move back to the loving arms of New York just to never drive again.
1. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez The first week of the new year, I took one of my last vacation days and read the whole book in one sitting. The first fifty or so pages were confusing and I didn’t get into the story very much. But somewhere along the line, I got really attached to the characters, especially Ursula, and even started enjoying the insane story Marquez spun. By the end of the book, I could totally understand why people said they hadn’t read anything like this before. The book is difficult to describe. It requires suspension of disbelief. But Marquez is a fine storyteller and I did truly enjoy the book. I guess this means I’m going to have to read his other favorite as well: Lolita. 2. Life of Pi by Yann Martel 3. The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown 4. The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd 5. Mystic River by Dennis Lehane Most mystery writers spend too much time on the plot and not enough time on characterization. These characters were three dimensional. Likable and not at the same time. The grief in the story was overwhelming and made me identify with each of the characters at different times. The mystery itself was a bit odd since I really had no idea who the murderer was until the author revealed it. The ending, for me, was the worst part of the novel and did disappoint me a lot but over all, I still think it was a worthwhile read. 6. The Inferno by Dante Alighieri 7. The Amateur Marriage by Anne Tyler 8. Bringing Down the House by Ben Mezrich A true sign of understanding a subject, in my opinion, is being able to put it into laymen’s term. For someone who has had an exceptionally bad physics education, Feynman’s lectures are magical to me. The ones in this book are simple, entertaining, make sense, make few assumptions on my previous knowledge, and most importantly, don’t talk down to me. The reading is dense. It takes time. But if you’re interested in physics and know as little as I do about QED, it’s well worth it. If physics isn’t your cup of tea, I would still recommend two of my favorite Feynman books: What Do You Care What Other People Think? and Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman! both of which aren’t about physics but will entertain you and show you what a curious and amazing person Feynman was. The Passion by Jeanette Winterson Next: Recommendations are always welcome by email, comments below, or chat.
I ended up taking on the project on my own and finishing the design work. I made some changes to our plans and decided to tackle a small portion of the new system first as a test to see if the overall strategy was going to work and to find out any unknown problems with our approach. I spent the last six weeks, cleaning data, writing over 50 scripts and testing like crazy. I thought and rethought our original ideas and cut out all the whistles and bells from the new system, at least for the first rollout. I tried to remember the wise lessons taught in the Mythical Man Month which I hadn’t read since Sophomore Year, college. I had full control over the system and I knew that meant I was also the sole person responsible of its potential downfall. Well, after much hard work, I rolled out the new system last weekend and six of the eight people in the office are using it. (The other two are part of the second phase of the rollout, a much bigger and more involved section which I will start working on this week.) I haven’t rolled out a professional system completely on my own ever before. At school, I had classmates in my group, on Wall Street, I was either a member of or managing a team anywhere from three to 20 people. I’ve coded for myself, for Jake and his family or friends before, but I’ve never designed, coded, tested and rolled out a full system completely on my own before. And I was expecting glitches. Major glitches. I spent several sleepless nights worrying that once I rolled this system out, it would burn and crash causing the rest of my project to get cancelled and me to get fired. Well, Monday came and went. A tiny glitch in one of the sections that’s used only by one user appeared. The other five asked for enhancements not originally planned. (Some were extremely easy and thus coded, others are on my list for after the phase-two rollout.) Tuesday passed. So did Wednesday and Thursday. I went back to working out of my house (I’d decided to work in the office for the first three days just in case disaster struck or the users were confused about how to use the system). As of now, an entire week has passed with all of the users on my system. We haven’t had any glitches besides the one on Monday. The users have been quiet. In the world of software development, quiet users mean happy users. If they are calling you, it is always to complain. I even received some compliments. “It looks so beautiful.” “I can work much faster now” “That’s so awesome.” Magic to my ears. Even if my users don’t, I know that the new system could use a lot more work. I can give you a long list of its flaws. Nonetheless, my users are happy. I had no glitches. I didn’t have to uninstall it. I didn’t bring down any servers. They didn’t lose any clients because of me. It all seems too good to be true. It appears, much to my dismay, that I am a better programmer than I was a teacher.
Jake and went to see Charlie Kaufman’s new movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Since I have seen several of Kaufman’s movies and have enjoyed all of them on some level and I’ve also been a longtime fan of Jim Carrey I knew I was likely to enjoy this movie. What I wasn’t prepared for was how much it touched me. Before I went to see it, I already knew the pretext of the movie but I was slightly misguided. All the text I read said that the movie was about two people who were in love and then break up and the woman has the man erased from her memories and he starts to do the same but changes his mind knowing he could have another chance with her since she doesn’t remember him anymore. I think that could also have made a good movie but this movie was slightly, albeit significantly, different. While it’s true that Carey doesn’t want them to erase his memories, they do get erased. All of them. And at the end, both characters are starting over. Neither of them have the memories of the relationship. Besides the beautiful imagery and the touching romance, the most interesting part of the movie is the very end. When both characters find out how they end up after having just re-met (even though, they think they met for the first time) they have a decision to make. “Do you go into a relationship even if you know how badly it ends?” Do you go into it knowing it will end? Knowing you will say mean, hurtful things about each other down the line? Do you do it even when you have evidence it won’t last? I’ve written about changing the past and about selective memory so it shouldn’t surprise you that the questions above might fascinate me. I’ve also been in relationships that didn’t end so beautifully or ones where there was too much pain. People have often assumed that I would have preferred never to have gotten into those relationships. People have even told me I had made a mistake. Knowing the ending, the pain, the anger, the sorrow, would I have chosen not to date the person at all? You might be shocked to know the answer isn’t an easy, “No.” I can’t say that it’s a decided “Yes” either. Despite the ending and the terrible moments, there also were euphoric moments. There was kindness, joy, laughter, and love. There was learning and growing. Even if I may know how the relationship ended, I wouldn’t know what kind of person I would be had I chosen a different path. And I guess I always opt to take the known over the unknown. At least this way, I can come up with a plan. I also think that besides forgetting unpleasant moments in our lives, we have a lot of faith in our ability to not make them reoccur. We fool ourselves into thinking we can change people. We can change situations. We can break habits. Given the chance to do it over again, we can make it work. The ending made me wonder whether they chose to be together despite the fact that they knew it wouldn’t work or because they decided it would be different this time around (more of the former, I think). It’s amazing how many of us make the same mistakes over and over again. What if I knew my marriage would end badly? What if I knew all the terrible fights to come? Would I choose to never get married? Would I get out of the relationship now? What if I had forty years of bliss and wonderful memories with my husband and then two years of terrible fights in the end? What’s the point at which it’s best to have never gotten involved? How many bad memories does it take to make the good ones worth erasing? I guess I don’t have the answers, just more questions. Maybe that’s why we don’t know the future and why we don’t get the choice. |
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