Fair Warning: The following is not for you if you’re one of the following: you think pregnancy is the most amazing months of your life and it’s almost a religious feeling, or you barely felt pregnant during the nine months and had no major symptoms, or you are unwilling to hear anything negative or sarcastic about being pregnant, or you are sick and tired of reading about pregnant people. You have been warned.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I took out one of my journals and decided I was going to write everything down. This was a big deal and it deserved pithy thoughts. I needed to get all my emotions on paper.

I was nervous. We got pregnant pretty quickly after deciding to try and when we found out, I felt panicky. I felt scared, like I made this huge mistake and it was too late. I know this is supposed to be like those moments on TV where the couple cuddles and tears of joy form on the corners of their eyes. This was the moment I had been waiting for, wasn’t it? I mean, I’d always known I wanted to have children, so why wasn’t I ecstatic?

I remember feeling the same way on my wedding day. Everyone was so happy and joyful and worried about the wedding day that it ticked me off that no one seemed to mention that there was this huge thing happening beneath the celebration. We were getting married. Marriage is a huge deal and it bothered me that no one seemed to be taking it seriously. Pregnancy leads to babies. Babies grow up to be toddlers, children, teenagers, and then adults. This is a forever lasting commitment. It starts now and it’s over the day I die. Isn’t it fair that such a reality might make me a bit nervous? If anything, I think it means that I take it seriously instead of gushing over little, tiny shoes and hats.

I just wish people were more honest about their feelings. Am I the only person on earth who is scared, nervous? Am I the only one who thinks pregnancy isn’t as much “glowing” as it is a collection of days full of puke, lack of sleep, full-time exhaustion and a collection of other less than desirable symptoms? I am not saying it’s not all worth it. I’m just saying I want to tell it like it is. The bad with the good. I don’t think it’s healthy to cover it up and make it seem all so rosy.

I plan to write about the last five months and the next four so that I can tell you my story, so I can have it for my records and so if anyone else has a similar experience, they don’t feel alone in their fears and frustrations like I am feeling now.

I promise to write about the good stuff, too.

Yesterday, I turned thirty. It is one of those milestones that’s supposed to mean a lot. I’m supposed to have a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was thirty and spend yesterday going through that list, checking off items and leaving a large chunk unchecked and feeling depressed all day. Isn’t that what those ‘significant’ birthdays for after all?

After a really long week at work and an even longer weekend before that, Jake and I had decided to drive up to Santa Barbara for my birthday. His thirtieth was a week ago and since I was rolling out my new system, I could only take a day off so we went to Cleveland National Park for the day and figured we’d celebrate both of our days in Santa Barbara this past weekend. We ended up sleeping much later than we planned to on Friday and woke up way too late and struggled to get out of the house on Saturday morning. Despite the late start, we made it into the city well before sunset and managed to stay in a beautiful, simple hotel, see some sea lions, watch the sunset from the pier, eat a delicious Italian dinner, have several romantic walks and see a lot of the city.

I used to make a big deal about birthdays. I had to have candles and presents and people calling. A few years ago, I gave it all up. Now, all I need is a simple, wonderful day with my wonderful husband and I am glad for each friend who remembers and don’t keep track of the ones who don’t. Friendships aren’t built around remembering birthdays; they are built on being there day in and day out. So are relationships. I feel like I may not have accomplished a long laundry list of achievements by my thirtieth birthday but I am in a truly loving relationship with a man I adore, I have a job that keeps us sustained and gives me the luxury of working from home, I am healty, and out family is about to increase by one. I don’t think there’s much more I could have asked for my birthday.

Thank you to all of you who remembered and thank you to everyone else for stopping by.