As a child, I often wondered what made someone an adult. When was the magical time that you crossed over from being a child to being a responsible adult? My mom looked liked an adult. She acted like an adult. Her face, her conversation, even her toes were those of an adult. At the time, I figured once I was over my teens, I’d be an adult, too.
As the years passed, I didn’t feel like an adult and I didn’t think I looked like an adult. Not the way my mom did. Even though I discovered that she can behave like a child, too, I still thought my mom was more of a “grown up” than I was. College didn’t change that. Neither did moving into my very first apartment. Neither did getting a full time job and making more money than she ever did. It felt like maybe I was never going to grow up.
Lately, I’ve been thinking that maybe crossing over the threshold to having my own kids is when I cross over the threshold to becoming an adult. This is officially the time when I am going to be much more concerned about another living being than I am about myself. Not that there aren’t times I put myself after Jake or my family or a friend. But this is permanent and it’s constant. This little baby, and later the child and even the adult, will always come before me. I will have to learn to push other people away kindly but firmly to protect the well being of my baby. I will have to learn to make major progress on my “hangups” because now they are affecting an unsuspecting third party who never signed up to deal with my issues. Even if I don’t feel it, I’m going to have to learn to act the part of a grown-up. It’s all a bit overwhelming and scary. What if I mess it up?
I know what everyone says, “all you can do is your best.” But this is a huge responsibility. It’s not something to be taken lightly. I think my mom always looked like an adult cause she had us very young. She was only 21 when my sister is born. She learned to grow up very quickly. Over the years she adopted and looked the part of a grown up. And now it’s my turn. And I plan to take it seriously.
Though I still don’t think my toes look like a grown-up’s.
awesome. san diego has more consistent beautiful sunsets than anywhere i’ve ever been. i’ve no idea why, but it does. keep taking pictures so i can remember them! =)
Wow. Amazing photo. I just missed tonight’s sunset. Looks like our three days of summer weather might be over.
Splendid. I wish I had a better word–
Dear Karen – I went to school in UC San Diego but was so busy in those days that I never took the time to look. Thank you for this beautiful photo – it made me realise what a beautiful place I went to school in.
Take care.
I used to think that I needed to put others first. When I got tired of that, I realized I needed to put myself first. After that didn’t work, my therapist told me I a) needed to be present with what I was doing and everything else would work itself out. It did.
Funny, I had this very same conversation with a good friend about 3 or 4 years ago. I was thinking about it the other day. For both of us, having kids didn’t change the “haven’t grown up” feeling. Neither did turning 40. Probably not 50, either. Recently, I’ve come to feel it’s a state of mind that isn’t evident to others unless you say so. As one person put it to me, “You appear to have it all together…until we get to know you.” 🙂