The last few weeks have been really not-so-great for me. I can’t even put my finger on the why. For a while, I was grumpy, and then down right grouchy. Angry. And then we went on vacation and I felt peaceful for a few days. But we came back and it was hectic and I was frustrated again. Rushed. Stressed. And then I started feeling sad and small. Something I really, really dislike because when I am sad and small, I go to the pessimistic place and it becomes this cycle that’s hard to break. So I’ve been very conscious of it and I’ve been trying to journal regularly to see if I can sort out what’s going on and what’s perpetuating my negative feelings.
And this morning I realized, one of my problems was the people around me.
I’m continually amazed at how much we live our lives by comparing to others. Or maybe it’s just me. But even though I am really content with where I am right now and very, very grateful, I still seem to compare, consciously or not. It’s not that I want the yacht or a house in Tahoe, but when I am surrounded by people who seem to have “succeeded” so much more than I have, I start doubting myself. I feel small and unaccomplished and even more, I feel like I must have done something wrong. I must have somehow not done enough with what was given to me. I was very lucky to be supported and loved both financially and emotionally. I got to go to a very good school and I made sure to study hard and make the most of every minute. I’ve always been conscious of my good fortune and worked hard not to let it go to waste. Which is why, I think, I feel bad when I meet others around my age who have so much more. Who accomplished so much more.
I feel like maybe I wasted the hard work of those who supported me. Maybe I could have been more so it would be more worth it for them.
I also feel this way around my kids. I feel like I don’t give them enough. I am tired too often and choose to “relax” more than spend time with them or hug them or meet their needs. I worry I am messing them up. I worry I am not giving them all that they deserve. Because, I tell you, my kids are really amazing. I got super-lucky. And I don’t want to take that for granted for a moment. But, I know that I do sometimes. And, again, I can’t stop feeling like I am squandering something precious.
And then I meet others who are truly struggling. At a much more basic level and I remember how much I do have and how lucky I am. How I don’t have to worry about having a roof over my head or food on the table. How I have a great job and amazing family. And that, too, makes me feel inadequate on a whole different level. I feel like I am not grateful enough. I don’t help others enough. I used to spend so much of my time volunteering and haven’t done so in a long time. I feel like I take so much for granted. I whine about such inconsequential stuff.
So looking on either side makes me feel bad. Makes me feel like I don’t measure up to the human I wanted to be. I could be. I should be.
This is what makes me feel small.
But then I remind myself that I am not these other people. No one has had the same life I’ve had. I don’t know what goes in their lives and I have no idea if they’re measuring up to their goals. I can’t compare bits and pieces of their life to the whole of mine. And I’m exactly where I want to be at this moment. I have this amazing life. I am doing the best I can most days. Yes, I fail sometimes. I do things I am not proud of. There are many other things I want to do. To be better at. But I am working hard at balancing everything. Trying to keep my good job that I worked hard to earn. Trying to be a good mom to the kids I am gifted with. Trying to be a good wife to a generous husband who always lifts my spirit. Trying to regularly look within, improve, be happier, be better. I am trying. I might not be super-successful at one thing, but I do think I am doing ok on many levels and, most importantly, I am focusing on choosing peace and joy again and again. Trying to make the most of this magical life. My magical life.
And, in the end, I truly think that’s what matters most.
Karenika,
I am sure that your feelings are quite normal. Life is full of rushing and getting stressed out on a daily basis.
When I was your age, I went through the same thought process that you are going through.
I always think on the positive side and try not to WORRY so much about everything now that I am retired.
It is not worth the angst and mood swings to dwell on things. We worry too much and it is just wasted time. It is nice to have a blog so you can vent and let it out.
I can remember trying to do way to much everyday. We want everything to be perfect for our family but, as you know, we don’t and can’t control everything.
Like you said, be thankful for what we have and keep on keeping on without looking back.
Sincerely,
Barb
Karen,
Thanks for your blog post. I just finished a great book called The Geography of Bliss: One Grump’s Search for the Happiest Places in the World. Eric Weiner is the author and the book is about defining happiness. In the book he interviews a person that told him “don’t think so much” if you want to be happy. I have to say that sentence really resonated with me. I think thinking creates most of my problems. I have so much to be thankful for, but I continually compare and set unrealistic goals. Seriously, what I am worried about…that there will be some test at the end of my life? I blame it on too many years in corporate America. I am just trying to enjoy my life, one day at a time, and I struggle every day with calming the voices that want me to compete.
Oh sweet child. You are so normal. I am facing my 60th birthday shortly and I have just realized i am an amazingly talented and intelligent woman and there will never be anyone like me ever. We are all so uniquely blessed and the challenges placed before us are simply ways for us to grow. I won’t bore you with the trials and triumphs of my very incredible journey in life, just know that your choices for peace and joy in your life are the most appropriate ones you can have now and forever. You are an amazingly talented and intelligent young mother , wife, woman. Congratulations.
I too have been where you are….comparing myself to others. One idea that has stuck with me is that we see our faults and compare them to the good we view in others, since we don’t see their faults. So the comparison is skewed from the start. The other thing I’ve learned is that everyone is busy with their own problems and are not looking at you with as much judgement as we think. So it all becomes irrelevant. So keep doing the good things that you are doing and don’t compare. Enjoy the process and know that you are doing your best each and every day, and that some days are going to be wonderful and some will be challenging, but that is life. Thanks for sharing all your wisdome and challenges. They help all of us to know we are human and that is a good thing.
Hi !
I often read you in my google reader, so I don’t comment usually, but your message today is so relating to what I’m feeling right now that I just had to thank you, because I would never had written (nor even start thinking to this actually) myself. Letting things go and being selfish might work for a short period, but not in the long term. Trying to do our best and focus on what’s important in our lives, being careful with our beloved ones (including ourself !) is the clue. Thanks again !
We are all plagued by these thoughts, once in a while. The grass is greener… the latest newsletter by Ali Edwards was on this topic too… it happens to all of us! I like the idea of taking those feelings and transforming them into something positive or motivational… and getting back to myself in the end.
So sorry your feeling this way, I’ve been there and we all have at one time or another. All the comments above are so helpful and true. Please please be kind to yourself as you have told me. Stay away from that dark place because that is so not you. Take a look at that collage page you just made and go for the light, ALWAYS!! You have so many gifts my friend and are so kind and wonderful and helpful to so many. You have worked hard to be where you are and should be so proud. I think your a great wife, mother, friend. I have learned many times that the grass isn’t always as green as you think.
This week the town next to us is suffering a big tragedy and has woken me up this week like no other and has me being so thankful for the life I have, the family I have and that even when the kids are fighting and dinner is burned to be thankful for all of it.
GO SAVOR THOSE MOMENTS AND SAVOR THOSE SWEET BOYS OF YOURS SAVOR HAVING A WONDERFUL HUSBAND AND SAVOR ALL THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!!
Sending far away hugs and love!!
I guess everybody said many things already but when I feel this way, I remember this phrase “All I can do is be, whoever that is”
I guess everybody said many things already but when I feel this way, I remember this phrase “All I can do is be ME, whoever that is”
http://pinterest.com/pin/116460340333648295/
Hi Karen,
No one is perfect all the time at all things–it’s impossible because as humans, we are capable of doing and caring for an endless number of ideals, people, etc. All we can do is our best. I tell people I work with when they are beating themselves up over mistakes they’ve made, that’s what you get when you hire humans. We are all flawed, but what makes us what we are is that we keep trying, that’s in our nature too.
Have a wonderful day/week.
PatP
Feels like I have a kindred spirit here. I’ve been in the same rut for the last couple of weeks too. That yacht and house, I want them too. For what, I’m not sure. I don’t even like yachting and there’s only two of us plus the dog. What do I need a big house for? LOL… Guess it’s just human? I seriously think that you’re reaching a lot of people through your blog and what you’re sharing helps each of us with our journeys too. I’d consider time spent blogging as volunteering.