If you’ve been reading here with any regularity you know that I don’t like to talk about work here. You also know that I’ve had a high-urgency work problem that stopped me from being able to write down thoughts here for two weeks. While things are shifting and possibly calming down a bit, I am not ready to talk about anything just yet. And I might not ever want to.
While I’m generally a firm believer of talking things out and getting them out of my system, I’ve sort of been trying to do the opposite in this case. Ok, maybe not exactly the opposite…
Here’s the deal: in the last few weeks I’ve experienced a lot of negative emotions. Shame, fear, frustration, sorrow, exhaustion, embarrassment, resentment, and just plain old helplessness. I slept fitfully and ate very little and not well. I abandoned most of my routine and saw very little of my kids.
By the end of the two weeks, I was pretty much a wreck. A bitter, frustrated, spent wreck.
I found myself unable to let go of a lot of the anger and resentment. Part of me kept remembering that shame couldn’t live in public and I had to share. But I already had told a few close friends about the events and I really didn’t need to talk about it anymore. I felt like I was holding on to the feelings for no good reason. I was letting the anger and resentment envelop me.
So, at some point today, I just decided to let it go.
I decided that holding on to all that was hurting me more than anyone else. It was hurting the people I love. And it wasn’t really doing anything to those who upset me to begin with. So it just felt like by letting it go, I could immediately make my day better.
Don’t get me wrong. I will still need time to heal. To catch up on sleep, life, and get my soul shining again. And after the two weeks I’ve had, it might take a long time to get there.
But the first step is letting go. And forgiving. Forgiving myself. Forgiving those who hurt me. Giving people the benefit of the doubt. Letting go of the hurt. People will hurt you. Most of them don’t matter. It’s only worth healing the hurt between those whom you love and you. The others are just not worth your time and energy. And I decided that by holding on to the hurt, I was giving others more power than they deserved. So much of life is about letting go of what doesn’t serve me. It feel like I have to learn this lesson again and again.
So, today, I started the process of letting go. Forgiving.
And now comes the long process of healing.
I always feel that letting go is harder than forgiving. I’m hoping that you process this all and have the strength to move on and let it go.
Sorry about your awful couple of weeks. Thank you for the insight, you’re so very, very right about giving power to people who don’t deserve it. Letting go is very empowering, but it’s SO hard sometimes. Thanks for reminding me.
Karen, hugs to you. What a rough two weeks. I needed to be reminded to let go too. Thank you for sharing. It is so hard to let go and I don’t understand why, especially when it’s people who have no meaning in my life. Today I will let go too. One finger at a time. No, I will not give them more power than they deserve.
Sorry to hear about that Karen, Ive been through a lot of emotional stress this past two weeks also. And it’s all about work! wew. Here’s for a new start! Calmness and wisdom to envelop our souls.
You are so resilient to let go after just two weeks…good for you for such wisdom. Those kinds of experiences are the ways life molds us into what we are called to become. All in all, we are alone in life. Not lonely, but alone. Birth & death, but also, our reactions to what happens to us. It is not sad. We choose love. We are all called to forgiveness, whatever that means. And making choices about what is right for us, individually. We have been raised too much on the side of pleasing others, the outside world, and not enough on loving oneself, the inside person we are. That is what healing is all about: realizing the magnificent person we are, and our capacities and talents, in which combination nobody else on earth has except you. When we realize how much individual freedom we have, in spite of responsibilities, we realize the gift we are to the world. Life is too short to give importance to things & people that are not worth it. Your capacity to love, and do, surpass any wrong the world can do to you. I have written a short text on my blog about resentment: http://www.gleaningsinloveoflive.wordpress.com. Hug
Karen my thoughts and prayers are with you as you begin to heal from your recent experiences. May you soon become again the woman you know yourself to be. You truly deserve eternal happiness and inner peace.
The energy expended on being angry, feeling hurt allows the bully to feel powerful. Bravo to you for taking that first step very important step.
One of my friends has said that for her, the first steps in letting go is first recognizing that you need to do it, and then second, beginning to let go by just focusing on loosening her grip – one step at a time, one day at a time. I’m sorry these last couple of weeks have been so difficult for you, and know very well how easy it is to let feelings of shame and inadequacy take over my life and – at least temporarily – destroy my balance and serenity. I’m glad you’ve recognized what’s been happening and that you’re on your way out of it! ((hugs))
Ugh… I am sorry to read about your troubles. Thank you for sharing them. Work (in a general sense) is crazy isn’t it? When you are working on a project, with a team you enjoy, it can be empowering and just plain fun. Then sometimes, the stress builds, people can be mean and it takes over and ruins everything. I hope your stressful time is close to an end, if not already over. Don’t let poisonous people take the fun out of everything.
Sorry for the hard time your having Karen, sending prayers and love your way. Thanks for sharing this and how wonderful you are.