Three ways I shone this week: So here we are. This week’s experiment went so-so I’d say. There were parts that worked well, like smiling as much as possible and catching myself when thinking/being negative. I sent messages to people I loved. I said thank you. But I didn’t write things down or dance/sing. I didn’t journal. But that’s ok. It was the first step of many. I intend to continue this experiment for a while longer. I think it’s valuable and I am interested in giving it a try for a bit longer. I did shine more this week in ways that matter to me. I was there for people at work, for my sons, for my husband. I also took time to read, relax and sleep.
I celebrate: Nathaniel this week.
I am grateful for: Nathaniel’s good news. For those of you who sent good wishes our way, it worked! thank you so much for your kindness. I am so grateful that my little boy gets to have his wishes come true. here’s to hoping we made the right choice and here’s to hoping this is one of many wonderful journeys for him.
I nourished myself by: resting. i got to sleep in while in Seattle and it was a gift.
Reflecting on my worries: Despite trying not to worry, I spent a lot of Saturday stressed out which was not great. Other than that particular instance, though, I think I did a pretty good job trying to remember what matters most and that worrying doesn’t really help.
I let go of: I feel like I’ve been living moment to moment a lot lately. Partly because life is so full. I let go of being on top of things this week. I do hope and plan to be more organized next week!
Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):
- bold: I feel like i am getting bolder with work all year. I also did a bold move for my personal nourishment this week so I am proud of myself. And finally I was bold with the kids’ school and with volunteering.
- mindful: due to the exercise i was doing, i was very mindful of times when I was saying negative things this week. when i was being less than my shining self. it’s interesting for me to see what brings that out in me.
- nourish: this is a mixed bag. most importantly, i made a doctor’s appointment for my knees finally. they’ve been hurting since Christmas so it’s long overdue.
- love: i am so full of love and gratitude this week. i’ve tried to make a point of showing it to my kids, husband, parents, sister, nephews and a few friends. i am trying to spread it around 🙂
What made me laugh this week: I laughed a lot in Seattle. A bunch more on Thursday when we got the good news. And a bunch more today when I was at the STEM fair.
What I tolerated this week: travel. time away from the boys. extra trips to work. knee pain.
My mood this week was: solid for the beginning of the week, hectic thursday, relaxed on friday and frustrated on saturday. in pain today.
I forgive myself for: being a bit crazy on saturday.
What I love right now: i still love the multi-layered life I have. i love the textures of my life.
Here’s to a wonderful week twelve.
Three ways I shone this week: I want to be honest so here’s what I am going to say: I don’t feel like I am shining lately. I am still doing things that look like shining to others maybe. Like showing up for my kids day in and day out. Being bold at work. Trying to take a bit better care of myself. Reading a lot. Etc. Etc. but the fact is I know how I feel and what I look like and who I am when I shine. I know what shining means to me. I know what I wanted to have my life look like when I chose the word shine. I know what I wanted to show up in the world as, when I am shining. And I am not there. I am not doing it. I am not feeling it. I am not being it. I don’t want to pick three ways this week. I know I have small ways in which I shone. I know. I know. But choosing this word, for me was not just about remembering that I do shine in many ways each day (though this is an important reminder too and that’s why I do note the 3 ways each week.) it was more about moving towards a life when I am being my shiny self. I am showing up in the world fully. Fully me. My best self. My unapologetic self. My broken self. My human self. All of me. I feel like I haven’t been doing this. Part of it is about setting expectations a certain way of course. When I set the bar really high, I am bound to fall off again and again and disappoint myself in large ways. And keep having to restart (which I know is often the hardest part.)
But part of it is also knowing who I am, owning who I am, and also owning who I am not (along with who I don’t want to be.) And stopping the practice of measuring myself against the versions of me I don’t want to be. Ceasing to give myself crap about ways in which I fail to be a person I don’t even care to be. I hope this makes sense to some of you. I do this all the time. I give myself a hard time for not being more social, more of a “playdate” mom, more ambitious at work, doing more with my kids, being a runner, being more involved at the kids’ schools. i can go on and on and on. The fact is, none of these things are things I want to be. I love my work and am passionate about doing a good job and of course I want to be recognized for my hard work but I don’t want to be a VP at the cost of what that would take away from other parts of my life. I don’t really want to socialize. I would like to have a handful of good friends I can rely on and I would love the same for my kids and that’s all I need. I hate playdates (It’s just a fact. Mostly due to the logistics they involve.) I do wish I did more with my kids but I am actually quite involved. I hate running. I wish I were more athletically inclined and I know that I could become this way given enough energy but that energy would have to come from somewhere and I am not at a place where I am willing to do what it takes for that to be possible. I am pretty involved at the kids’ schools and, given the option, I think they are reaching an age where it’s better for me to be involved with them and not the school. Though I’d like to stay involved to at least a certain level and I want to be careful about my choices of where and how to be involved. I know deep down that I don’t want to do these things that I judge myself for. I don’t want to be these people I measure myself against.
And yet.
I still find myself judging me. I still feel the unease of “not measuring up” each time I am around people who’ve made other choices. For me, part of “shining” is letting all this go. Being deliberate about who I want to be, the values I have, the choices I will make and then living my life honoring those choices. Fully. Unapologetically. Kindly. Wholly.
I don’t want to feel bad anymore. I don’t want to feel guilty. I don’t want to feel less than some random ideal I measure against. And ideal I am not even striving for. All this guilt runs me down and then I am tired and cranky and I make bad choices when I am there. I eat badly, I yell, I contract. This is not my definition of shining. I want to expand.
So.
What do I do now? Well. Step one is owning it. This is where I am. I am beating myself up constantly. I am tired. I am worn out. I drink too much coffee because I am tired a lot. I am in pain, especially in my knees and I use that as an excuse to not exercise (not even for 6 minutes, mind you!) I eat badly which makes me more tired. I am worn out which makes me yell more. I feel like I have no time so I protect my “free” time like a madman. All I want to do is to read. All the time. So I am owning it. I am not happy with where things are. With who I show up as in the world. I also want to note that of course not everything is terrible. I am still working super hard. I am still showing up for all my responsibilities. I am still being kind to people and I do shining things every day. I am still eating plenty of good food. Not all is lost, of course. I just feel like I don’t want to go through the motions. I don’t want to tell you (me) the ways in which I shone this week when I feel like I am not really owning my word the way I would like to.
Instead I’d like to start bringing about the change I wished to embrace by picking shine as my word. Even if it takes baby steps. So owning was #1, the reflection part, can’t fix something i don’t acknowledge.
#2 is taking action. More on that on Monday’s post as I think about what I can do to get me there so I can live intentionally.
I celebrate: having a quiet-ish week this week. it was lovely.
I am grateful for: my manager who has been so encouraging and supportive.
I nourished myself by: getting a mani-pedi tomorrow, the first in over two years. reading. journaling.
Reflecting on my worries: i worried i wouldn’t do the reflective journaling i wished to do but i did. at least a good amount of it. i did not exercise and that’s not great. i did eat ok, not perfect, but not terrible. emails are just sad and i do need to find a solution but for now it’s ok. i didn’t finish perf but i will tonight. i am still struggling with sleep but i will rest tomorrow to ensure i go into my week of travel a bit more rested. none of the worries i had mattered. things are going to be ok.
I let go of: worrying about work and school. i don’t get to control either decision anymore. i just hope i’ve done my part well and that the universe will answer accordingly.
Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love): I am going to skip this section, too. I think I need to make sure my action plan involves being specific with these core desires. Making room for them in my life intentionally. Thinking about what actions create these emotions for me and making a point of doing them.
What made me laugh this week: I laughed a lot at a Carnegie Mellon event I went to on Tuesday night. It was lovely to be with my friend Manu for a while and lovely to get to talk about my wonderful college days.
What I tolerated this week: a lot of work. a lot of perf. and a lot of beating myself up.
My mood this week was: whiny and tired and grumpy. i can’t stand my own whining.
I forgive myself for: being here. having dropped the ball. being human. i can turn things around. i got this.
What I love right now: knowing that it’s not too late. it’s never too late. oh and I love the san francisco public library, too!
Here’s to a wonderful week eleven, here’s to rebooting!
Three ways I shone this week:
- One: Jake and I had a 1-1 breakfast during the week this week.
- Two: I ran into a friend and sat down to help her unexpectedly.
- Three: I worked really hard this week and took a bold personal step.
I celebrate: my bold step above
I am grateful for: not having to do jury duty.
I nourished myself by: having some delicious lettuce, getting my hair done, reading a lot.
Reflecting on my worries: i worried about jury duty which didn’t manifest. i made my perf deadline1. i took D to the doctor, tuesday was tough but went totally ok. i caught up at work but i am struggling with sleep. it turned out to be ok. things i didn’t worry about happened.
I let go of: iterating more and more. now it’s not in my hands.
Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):
- I was bold at work.
- I’m mindful that i am feeling a strong need to step back and revisit work and home a bit but I don’t seem to want to make the time to do it. I have been very much in the “postponing” frame of mind lately. Don’t want to do anything but the bare minimum. and then i just want to read. i know this avoidance is not a good thing and I need to think of ways I can encourage myself to sit and assess things and make plans.
- Nourishment was better this week. Still not where I’d like to be.
- I’ve given love this week but I’ve also noticed that, this too, is something I need to reevaluate. What love means to me and how I show it. And what it means to the ones I love and how can I show it in their own love language.
What made me laugh this week: lots of lovely moments at work.
What I tolerated this week: really long days at the beginning of the week and Jake was out of town so even harder.
My mood this week was: tired.
I forgive myself for: being tired. worn out. how can i help reboot things?
What I love right now: moving forward. doing it anyway.
Here’s to a wonderful week ten! We are already on the tenth week of the fifty-two week year!!
Three ways I shone this week:
- One: I took my family on a lovely vacation.
- Two: I drove most of the way home so Jake could rest.
- Three: I worked super hard on Tuesday so I could take the rest of the week off.
I celebrate: our little vacation to southern cali.
I am grateful for: my work, my family, all that makes my life possible.
I nourished myself by: lots of family time this week but that’s it.
Reflecting on my worries: I worried that things would go wrong, my kids wouldn’t be happy, i would be grumpy or stingy. nothing went wrong. hotels were fine. tickets were fine. kids were happy most of the time. i was grumpy a bit of the time. i wasn’t stingy. my kids were reasonable. all was ok. all is ok.
I let go of: my site was broken this week, i had to let it go until i was back.
Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):
- I was really bold with my kids this week when i wanted to enjoy the vacation, too.
- I’m mindful that i seem to not be able to have a routine anymore. i need to figure how to work with this.
- Nourishment isn’t going well. I need to reboot.
- Love abound this week.
What made me laugh this week: universal and disney!
What I tolerated this week: a lot of walking, waiting, so little sleep, and so much driving.
My mood this week was: joyous.
I forgive myself for: not getting more done. i seem to have to forgive myself for this each week.
What I love right now: learning to juggle it all. messing up but getting back up.
Here’s to a wonderful week nine!
Three ways I shone this week:
- One: I worked a lot this week. I went to work three times and had a lot lot lot of meetings.
- Two: I showed up at my book club even though i was wiped and I am so glad I did.
- Three:?I supported my son by going up to his school three times this week.
I celebrate:?showing up in all the ways this week.
I am grateful for:?the response from work for a favor i’ve been asking a lot of people this week. i am so lucky.
I nourished myself by:?sleeping. resting.
Reflecting on my worries: I worried that work won?t get done, and some did and some didn’t. there’s always more work to do. i will be okay. i will continue to be exhausted and i was and i still am. that, too, will be ok. lunch was worth it. movies was stupid but worth it. i likely will indeed never catch up at work. i exercised only once and journaled twice. it’s ok. i am giving myself grace. I did book LA and we’re going to be all set. i will do my best and that’s all i get to do.
I let go of: pretty much all my email this week.
Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):?
- I was really bold. i continued to ask and continued to receive.
- I’m still mindful of the fact that i am completely off routine at this point and will have to consciously choose to go back.
- Nourishment isn’t going well but i am still focusing on fruit and veggies over other food.
- I am learning that I need unconditional love for myself, too.
What made me laugh this week: the movies. oh how silly it was.
What I tolerated this week: a lot of work.
My mood this week was:?full. i felt like my life is so full.
I forgive myself for: not getting more done. it will all get done eventually, ?i am sure of it.
What I love right now: my kind and generous husband. he is the best part of my life.
Here’s to a wonderful week eight!
Three ways I shone this week:
- One: I organized and coordinated across both teams in Sydney, resulting in a lot of great conversations.
- Two: I connected with people both on the plane there and on the plane back. lovely conversations.
- Three: I went out every night even though I wanted to go out none. I chose to show up.
I celebrate: being back home with my boys. missed them so.
I am grateful for: having the weekend to rest. i appear to be quite jet lagged.
I nourished myself by: eating somewhat well, walking a lot, resting as much as possible.
Reflecting on my worries: I worried that david would be sad and in fact he was, but i was able to help resolve some of it remotely. i worried about not making the connections i hoped to and indeed i didn’t get to connect with one person i wanted to but i had three other surprise connections so that ended up okay i was effective and the trip was definitely worth it. i wasn’t sick. i didn’t exercise with the 7minute but i walked like crazy and i journaled, albeit a small amount. And nothing terrible happened!
I let go of: having my regular routine when there.
Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):
- I was really bold. i asked for something and got a pleasantly positive reply.
- I’m still mindful of my default behavior and my habits.
- Nourishment was harder during travel but i still focused on fresh and at lots of veggies.
- I am more and more convinced that life is about love. just love. unconditional love.
What made me laugh this week: i laughed a lot at work this week.
What I tolerated this week: late nights. a lot of socializing. time away from my boys.
My mood this week was: rushed. but also calm. present. grateful.
I forgive myself for: not connecting with the SYD folks more. or with the one person I meant to. For my mistakes. for falling of my routines.
What I love right now: my kind and generous husband. he is the best part of my life.
Here’s to a wonderful week seven!
Three ways I shone this week:
- One: I spent a wonderful 1-1 day with my son to pre-celebrate his special day.
- Two: Got a lot of work done.
- Three: I emailed all the friends I mentioned. I am getting there.
I celebrate: a wonderful day with my son.
I am grateful for: being able to drive on the freeway. I’ve come a long way.
I nourished myself by: exercising. resting. eating fresh, journaling.
Reflecting on my worries: I worried about getting things done. I’ve had to work hard, but I got a lot done and I still have time at the airport tomorrow to do more. I’ve been eating and exercising okay. Not 100% but ok. Sydney comes tomorrow but I have faith all will be ok.
I let go of: stressing all day friday, i was just present.
Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):
- I’m still continuing to try to be bold at work. I am reaching out to friends personally. I am taking action.
- I’m mindful of what we are all eating. How we’re spending out time. How much I’ve been working lately.
- I am still nourishing myself. I consistently prioritize the healthy and whole.
- I love my life and i am so grateful for every piece of it.
What made me laugh this week: david and i watched MIB. that made me laugh. nathaniel also made me laugh.
What I tolerated this week: a lot of work. driving in the dark and rain.
My mood this week was: busy and a bit stressed. but not terrible. also a bit sick 🙁
I forgive myself for: getting as much done as i could, but not all. being gone for David’s birthday. Doing the best I can.
What I love right now: the rich texture of my life. journaling. taking more photos. getting to go to Sydney.
Here’s to a wonderful week six!
Three ways I shone this week:
- One: I took my family skiing. It was wonderful fun for all of us.
- Two: I supported Nathaniel on his Activity Day. I supported both my kids a lot this week.
- Three: I showed up at work, worked hard, and did my best.
I celebrate: two wonderful days of skiing. fresh air, exercise and family time.
I am grateful for: audiobooks and music. it’s what kept us all occupied and patient during the 10+ hours of driving this weekend.
I nourished myself by: exercising. resting. eating fresh.
Reflecting on my worries: I worried that i wouldn’t get enough art done. in the end, i have 11 pieces for February so far. That’s not perfect but it’s also not nothing. i haven’t started my big work project yet but i think it will be ok. Nathaniel’s activity day also went ok, I think. It’s hard to judge but he was happy and that’s all I care about at the moment. Skiing was tiring but not taxing. We came back Saturday night so I was able to rest for a week. I’ve been trying to be patient with my people. I feel better. Sad, scared but better. My soul is a bit lighter but still needs more work.
I let go of: being super strict with food this week. i did my best but not perfect.
Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):
- I’m still continuing to try to be bold at work. Personally, I have some plans for personal boldness, too.
- I’m mindful of some of the choices I was making. I am trying to make some plans for my family and for me. Still trying to find my way through some of what’s right for me, for us.
- I am still nourishing myself. Even when I eat some of the not-great stuff, I am trying to still eat the best of what I can.
- I love my family madly. I love the people out there fighting for what they believe in and I love the people who are trying to bring people together. I love people who are genuine and honest and doing their best everyday. That’s all I wish for all of us: compassion, kindness and love.
What made me laugh this week: maybe i should take this section off, i don’t ever seem to remember things that make me laugh.
What I tolerated this week: a lot of time in the car. to be fair, jake did all the driving, so i have no right to complain at all.
My mood this week was: busy but more peaceful. i worked hard, but then made time for my family.
I forgive myself for: being confused. not being perfect. struggling. having issues. being human.
What I love right now: fresh grown food. farmer’s market berries and eggs and tomatoes. so grateful.
Here’s to a wonderful week five!
Three ways I shone this week:
- One: I gave someone a second chance. Even though it was more trouble than I would have liked.
- Two: I spent quality time with both kids doing a bit of programming with each.
- Three: I showed up and did my best to listen and be present with friends.
I celebrate: driving very close to the city and back in the rain for my kids. it was brave and hard for me but i did it.
I am grateful for: jake this week. he covered for me on tuesday when i worked really long and hard. and took us to david’s school on friday night when i really was glad to get a bit of rest and not drive.
I nourished myself by: having warm tea, eating well, getting rest.
Reflecting on my worries: i was worried about not getting enough done, but i did all i had to do. i sent the emails and their usefulness will be visible over time. i wrote some code to automate the tracking so i am hopeful that it will be manageable. i didn’t mess up my interview at all. it did rain but we survived it. i was tired. but i didn’t mess anything up. as for the energy, i am definitely feeling tired but i think i have to solve this one in a different way. there were plenty of things i didn’t worry about that did happen. but these items i had worried about did not.
I let go of: journaling this week. it just wasn’t meant to be 🙁
Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):
- At work, the boldness paid off, i feel delighted. In life, i wish i were bolder this past week.
- I was mindful of a rare case where David asked for something he doesn’t usually ask for and we all showed up for it.
- I am nourishing myself. I am noticing how hard it is and how i still crave chocolate and soda. thinking through what all this means for me.
- And love. I think I did well on love this week. Better. I was patient and kind several times when it would have been easier not to.
What made me laugh this week: nothing is coming to mind. is that bad?
What I tolerated this week: a very frustrating thursday. i think i am still tolerating it.
My mood this week was: once i made it to mid-week i think it all went downhill. i was grumpy and impatient and frustrated. i then felt disappointed in myself. and i haven’t recovered yet.
I forgive myself for: being grumpy. i am planning to take the time to look for the lessons here.
What I love right now: i love these lovely flowers sitting on my desk.
Here’s to a wonderful week four!
Three ways I shone this week:
- One: It was another week of logistical stuff but I got a lot of it done. My hunch is there might be a bit more this coming week.
- Two: Hmm, not sure if this counts as shining but I was really sick this week and decided to stay home and rest instead of going to a few events. Maybe that’s more nourish than shine? But maybe nourishing myself is shining? I am not sure….
- Three: I worked hard to be my kindest self in several occasions this week for some of the volunteer work I do at work.
I celebrate: feeling better. i am so glad i feel healthy again.
I am grateful for: working at home and for jake’s flexible schedule. jake really supported me this week while we were both pretty sick. he drove the kids to and from school multiple times so I could stay home and get better. Working at home meant that I could still work and keep up with most things despite feeling sick.
I nourished myself by: still eating a lot of spinach over here. resting. drinking water and tea. and reading. so grateful for books.
Reflecting on my worries: i worried about not giving enough time to the boys and as it worked out, I spent a lot of time with both of the kids. Nathaniel was home sick on Monday and he was also home on Friday because he had no school. We did indeed start a bit of a math routine. I also spent a lot of time with David on Friday night and Saturday night. So, all in all, yes it’s not perfect but I need to remember that we spend a lot of time together. I do listen. I do show them how much I love them.
I let go of: being super productive this week. I was really sick. I just tried not to be so hard on myself.
Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):
- I continued the trend of being bold (albeit very nicely) and I think it’s still paying off. Here’s to hoping it continues.
- It’s interesting how mindfulness comes with a lot of hardship for me. I had several more hard moments. Really tough ones. But I made it through and here is to being a bit more mindful next time, maybe. Hopefully.
- I am still working on nourishment. It continues to amaze me how my brain works and how hard this is.
- And love. Well this is the one I always mess up on. This is the one that I wish I did a better job with. I wish I could wear my love on my face, my sleeves, my words so much more than I do. I wish my people could just see it and have no doubt how much, how deeply I love them. I’ll just have to keep trying harder.
What made me laugh this week: snuggle time with Nathaniel.
What I tolerated this week: being sick. it was quite frustrating being sick, i had a cut on my tongue which drove me mad, too. it’s gone now thankfully.
My mood this week was: mostly lethargic this week.
I forgive myself for: needing more forgiveness this week. for being broken in places. i am learning we are all works in progress.
What I love right now: right now i am grateful for a long weekend. especially after being sick all week.
Here’s to a wonderful week three!
Three ways I shone this week:
- One: I worked really hard this week to get a bunch of logistical tasks out of the way so my teams can move forward.
- Two: I tried to be patient and kind to my son when he was struggling. Not sure if this counts as I find these moments are never the perfect way I wish they were. I am flawed and say as many wrong things as I say “right,” so I walk away unsure of how much they helped.
- Three: I have been working on nourishing myself more and better.
I celebrate: getting back into the groove of life even though i wasn’t sure I was ready.
I am grateful for: having a three-day workweek this week. it made the transition a bit easier.
I nourished myself by: eating a lot more vegetables this week. especially spinach. i love spinach.
Reflecting on my worries: i worried that it would be a disaster going back to work. i would be disconnected, things wouldn’t come back to me, etc. it didn’t happen. i love my job and was able to come in and be impactful pretty quickly. what’s funny is that i was worried about this and it didn’t happen but a bunch of stuff I didn’t think to worry about did happen and this is just another proof that i need to stop worrying so much because it doesn’t actually help.
I let go of: my email. i didn’t even bother to try to read all my mail from December. I might never get to.
Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):
- I made several bold moves at work this week, trying to make sure i could get better connected to some of my teams. i was scared but it worked out okay, i am proud of myself.
- I had some moments this week that required more equanimity than I usually can pull off. I had mixed results. Sometimes i wasn’t able to contain myself and yelled despite the fact that I didn’t want to. Other times, I held my tongue but only for a while and then exploded. Neither was great. But I did succeed in a few instances too. So maybe it’s like 3 steps forward, 2 steps back?
- I have been doing a pretty good job on nourishment. It’s been extremely hard to break habits (but also eye-opening of course.)
- And love. Well, I’ve had more grumpy moments than I’d like to admit. I’ve realized that when I am rushing, I am not at my best (is this really surprising??)
What made me laugh this week: my book, Learning to Swear in America. It was great. Also The Middle, TV show. And of course my boys who really love Calvin and Hobbes so much.
What I tolerated this week: getting up early. i don’t like having to wake up at 6. I wish it were 7. also giving up coke zero and my latte.
My mood this week was: some really low moments but some high ones filled with gratitude.
I forgive myself for: being less than my perfect self at least in three major incidents this week. once to david, once to nathaniel and once to Jake. It seems I covered the whole list 🙁 Graciously, they all forgave me, so now it’s my turn to forgive myself.
What I love right now: I still really love my Christmas tree. I am not ready to take it down. Is that awful? I told myself I get one more week but a part of me wishes I could have the shimmer all year long.
Week one is over already. Here’s to a wonderful week two!
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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