When was the last time you took a look at your own life and revisited some of the choices you made?



Time passes so quickly, especially when you’re busy, that many of us get caught up in the day-to-day life and never take the time to sit back and look at the big picture. We never take a breath and say “Am I in the job I’ve always dreamt of?” or “What kind of compromises have I made and have I made them consciously?”



Anne Tyler’s new novel has a main character who wakes up one morning and realizes that her life has completely gone off track. She sits back and starts envisioning what sort of life she would have had had she not derailed back when she did.



Another recent book I read talks about how a frog will jump back out when thrown into a boiling point of water, but how if you put the frog in cold water and then heat the water slowly it will sit there forever, until he’s fully cooked.



Both made me think of how we lose track of things so quickly and rarely take the time to take a peek at the big picture. This applies to most anything in our daily life: relationships, career, friendships, priorities, etc. Unless some major disaster occurs, many people live the days one day at a time and try to make it through that one day without too much grief. Once the day’s over, we’re all too relieved to have made it.



These books made me think and try to take a big picture look at my life. Especially since I’ve been thinking and planning some major changes in my life, I decided it was crucial to take a look at my life and how much of it is a result of my actively trying versus just falling into the situation. This way, as I plan the next steps of my life, I can take the effort and moment to ensure I can get back on the road or consciously make the derailed path my new choice.



It’s completely fine to change your ideas, priorities and even mind. You’re welcome to want to travel the world one day and get married the next. You can move from being a programmer to a musician and then go study psychology. You can date men and then women. Anything and everything is conceivable and most things are not beyond the realm of possibility in life.



Just as long as you don’t let life drag you along. Take control of your life. Make it what you want it to be. Let your decisions be conscious.



Lead the Way.

You’re bad at receiving criticism.

How do you tell someone that? If they’re really bad at receiving criticism, doesn’t that mean they won’t react well to the above sentence?

I don’t like it when people ask my opinion and I have solid reasons for it: I am very opinionated and I think a lot so I’m more likely to have an opinion than not. I am really honest and I suck at sugarcoating.

All of which would have been great if you really wanted to know my opinion.

But you don’t.

What you want is affirmation that whatever you’re showing me or telling me is great. You want to hear “nice job” or “that looks great!” And I’m not your guy. (Well, girl in this case)

I don’t mean that the feedback and its presentation aren’t important. What you say and how you say it are both extremely crucial. When I first stared writing, I’d want to know everyone’s opinion right away. I’d hand my short story over to Jake and watch him like a puppy as he read my words. One negative feedback and I’d blow up immediately.

First of all, I wasn’t really ready for feedback. I was way too emotionally attached to my piece to hear anything negative about it. On top of that Jake wasn’t really my audience since he rarely reads short works of fiction. And mostly because of that, even if he didn’t like parts of my piece, he couldn’t tell me why. Which of course frustrated me even more.

With the possible exception of my writing, I ask for people’s opinion often and I always want to know the truth. I don’t just want to know what you don’t like. I want to know why and I’d even love to hear suggestions on how to fix it. I just think that if you give me some thoughtful feedback, I know you really cared and took the time to look at it.

And it’s certainly true that the best way to give negative feedback is to sandwich it between good ones. But no matter how caring you are, there are no correct words to tell someone who’s not ready to hear feedback.

So next time you want to know someone’s opinion on something, make sure you’re ready to hear the truth.

And if you just want reaffirmation, admit it.

Previously? Lack of Knowledge.

In my house, we had no unexplained rules. My parents often had decent reasons for the household rules and any new ones had to be justified. It might seem condescending to imply that my parents had to back up their decisions but I believe their behavior instilled very sound seed in my and my sister’s personalities.

I’ve always tried to have sound reasons for my actions. More importantly, I’ve always paid attention to the reasons behind my actions. Before I did something, I’d think about why I wanted to do it. As an overly emotional person, I know it’s extra crucial for me to make sure I stop and think before I act or decide.

But this is not about whether I think before I do or not. It’s more about for whom I do it.

I’ve met many people who make decisions based on other people’s criteria. People who choose careers because of popular demand. People who wear a certain type of clothing cause their crowd thinks highly of them. People who decide to lose weight cause someone makes a comment. People who move to another part of the world to follow a person they love. People who change their personality to fit in better.

I’m sure most of us are guilty of one kind of such decision making at one point in out lives. Fitting in is such an integral part of living in a society.

Having said that, I also hope that we all grow up and figure out our mistakes. The fact is doing something for others is never a good idea. In some cases it’s a blaming disaster waiting to happen, in others, it’s even worse.

I have friends who have chosen their college majors on what their families decided for them. They finish college and a few years later, they finally face the fact that they never wanted to do this in the first place. Now at a minimum four years of life has been lived satisfying their parents’ wishes, possibly even more. These people consistently have a hellish time trying to figure out what they want at that point, cause they never thought about it when other people were busy doing so.

In the cases where people follow a loved one around the world or change weight/hair/clothing for others, all it does is mask the actual issue. And by the time, the person realizes what’s going on, it becomes the other party’s fault, ruining the entire relationship.

You should do things for yourself. Pick a career you know would make you happy. Or meet your goals whatever they might be. Lose weight cause you are ready to and you want to. Change your hair color cause you want to try something else, not cause your friend said you’d look better blonde. This way not only will you think about your actions more, but you’ll be secure with your decisions.

And you’ll have no one to blame.

Oh, and, hi Ryan! =)

Previously? Nice People.

I’ve never been good with using the right words when I have to.

As my friend Jessica would fondly tell you, during my first few months in the States, I made a few boo-boos. If someone pissed me off by not meeting my demands immediately, I’d say, “If you don’t give me your notes, I will fuck you.”

As you can tell, these threats didn’t go over very well. My sweet friends would laugh at me and tease me mercilessly. Actually, Jessica retold that story to just about everyone we met for the next four years of our college life. Even today, if we’re together and she is telling someone about me, she’ll ask me if it’s okay to tell the “fuck story.”

Even after I learned how to curse properly, I seem to enjoy using words that push people’s boundaries. I almost always say “I’m going to pee” or “I have my period.” I don’t really understand why certain words are never meant to be used.

I understand that there are cases where manners are crucial. I don’t get up in a meeting and tell the vice presidents and partners in the firm that I have to pee. I just excuse myself. But why can’t I tell a male friend that I have my period? How come shaving and periods are only acceptable subjects to be discussed among women? They’re natural. They occur consistently. What’s the big deal?

So yes, I get my period. If I’m lucky, every month. If not it’s bad news, I guarantee you. And yes, I pee. Several times a day. If not, I’m not drinking enough. And I shave. As often as possible, so little forests don’t grow under my arms, on my legs and anywhere else I don’t want them. When I want to look pretty, I get a manicure or a pedicure. I might even get a facial if I feel in the mood. So there.

Since “it’s that time of the month” is already socially unacceptable to mutter to your boss or such people, I think it’s okay to use the actual word “period” with the rest of the people in your life.

I’m gonna start a taboo-breaking revolution. Even if it’s a one-man one. (or one-woman one as the case my be here.) No more tiptoeing around the issues, dammit.

And if you don’t like that, I will fuck you!

Previously? Look Ma, I’m Bonding.

“She came to our house for dinner and didn’t even send a thank-you card. How rude!”

That’s an actual quote from a friend.

I was raised with proper manners. My parents taught me to never go to someone’s house empty-handed and to always send a thank-you note afterwards. Even when I visit my sister’s home, I bring presents for my nephews each time, though mom doesn’t have to twist my arm about that one.

While I try my best to be well behaved, I get totally peeved when I hear words like the ones above. When did nice gestures become expected requirements? I thought sending a card made you thoughtful but not sending one shouldn’t automatically make you rude. Cause if it does, then the cards are no longer a token of appreciation, they’re a formality or worse, a requirement.

I hate doing things just cause ‘it’s the way things are done’. When my sister got married, as I spent shaking the hands of many practical strangers who couldn’t care less about actually celebrating my sister’s happiness, I told my mom that she should expect a call from me the day after I get married. If I were ever to get married in Turkey, there is a long list of people we’d have to invite ‘just cause it wouldn’t be right otherwise’. As the British like to say, ‘that’s bollocks.’

I am not fond of people with expectations. They’re just setting themselves up to be disappointed. I’m not fond of people who judge others by what they forgot to do. I’m not fond of people who keep track. “I called last so now it’s her turn to call.” Huh? What grade are we in? I’m not fond of fake smiles and doing things cause I have to.

I shouldn’t have to do anything. I should be able to smile, care, do my best and people should appreciate that. I believe that to be true of everyone. If you’re trying too hard to fit in, maybe you shouldn’t.

I decided long ago that I only live once and I want to make sure that I live the way I want to, not how others want me to. I want only the people who are my closest friends on my wedding day. I want to do (at least attempt to do) anything and everything I’ve dreamed of.

I always try hard not to hurt anyone around me. I screw up sometimes, but never on purpose. I always try to give and be the best that I can. I think that’s all anyone can ever ask of me.

Previously? birdie’s eyelids, big ears, and pottery.

Reading the latest long discussion threads in MetaFilter and then reading this and this made me think, so I decided to share my two cents.

I agree with Stewart that, for the most part, today’s problems are less severe than the past’s. Reading it made me thing of the wheel-thing in Disneyworld where as it moves from the 60s to the 70s and so on, everyone sings about how they’re living in the best of times. (For those of you who’ve never seen this, I will try to find a link.) While there are still a lot of issues to resolve, there are many improvements that have already been made and the past is and has been far from perfect.

I also sympathize with Matt‘s frustration but have a slightly different perspective on the issue. I’ve been lucky enough to come from a well-to-do background. My parents could afford to offer me many luxuries that others didn’t have. I managed to come to the United States cause they could afford to send me to college without a scholarship, which is truly difficult to get as a foreigner with my kind of background. I tried hard not to take advantage of the situation and worked hard during college to receive both my Bachelors and Masters simultaneously to make sure their sacrifices weren’t for nothing.

Since I was seven, I wanted to be a computer programmer. I didn’t even know enough about the machines to make an educated decision but I wanted it anyhow. So I went to a school known for its good computer science program and studied hard. I graduated and took a job in the field and I should have been happy cause I’d achieved my lifelong goal, right? Well, several months ago, I decided that I wasn’t doing enough good for the world. Instead of spending my days in a cubicle, I wanted to go out there and touch people, change people’s lives, make the world a better place.

While I agree with Matt that there’s so much to change and that it’s an unreasonable goal to set, I have a slightly differing view on what constitutes as change. All of us would agree that finding a cure for cancer would be a drastic improvement to humankind. A cure for any major disease would be a huge accomplishment. I know that it’s unlikely I will find that cure. Actually, it’s impossible since I’m not even trying to. I have the highest respect for those who are and I’m thankful for people like that in the world, for without the people who try to achieve these unreasonable goals, we would never move forward in big strides.

What I can do, however, is make small strides. It’s unlikely that I can change a million people’s lives, but it’s not only possible, but highly plausible that I can change one person’s life. I might even be able to change five people’s lives, or maybe thirty. Even more. I feel that, if I’ve made one person’s life truly better, my life has been worthwhile. I know that’s an optimistic look on things but all great things start with a small step. What if you helped some kid decide to go to school and he grew up to be the man who found a cure for cancer? Would you, then, think your life had a meaning?

In an effort to make my life more meaningful, I decided to reduce my work to three days a week and use the other two to volunteer. Have I saved the world? Nope, nowhere close. Have I made a drastic change? Not, yet, but I plan to and I’m hanging on to the belief that I can.

I’m not saying that everyone should care to change the world, neither am I saying that it would be easy to do so. All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t undermine the importance of a small change. You might not have the power to rid the world of all bigoted people, but you do have the opportunity to educate the two or three that might be at close proximity to your surroundings.

All this talk makes me think of two quotations I like by two amazing people. The first is a well-known saying by Ralph Waldo Emerson. “To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success.” Again, maybe it’s an optimistic view, but I believe it.

The second by George Bernard Shaw, says: “Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people.” All I can say to that one is that I strive to be unreasonable and I hope you all do the same.

Looking back at all my words above, I wonder why I even bothered to write all this. I guess the main reason is that when I read pieces like Matt’s I get saddened by people’s loss of hope. Yes, there’s a lot of work to be done but please don’t be sad that you’re one of the rare people who think about improving the world. The world might never reach your ideal and it might be true that few things will change in your lifetime but if we stop being unreasonable and trying, even those small changes will not happen. The world needs as many ‘unreasonable people’ as possible.

I’m glad that Matt says he won’t stop trying and I hope all the other disillusioned souls out there feel similarly cause if everyone stops trying, how will progress ever be made?

My apologies to Matt and Stewart if I’ve misinterpreted any of their words. I don’t know either of them personally or otherwise. I certainly didn’t have the intention of making it seem like they might have said something that they didn’t. And if I have, please feel free to let me know and I will make all the necessary changes.

Another set of apologies for having such a long post, I will try to move this to a page of its own.