You can read about the start of this project here.
This one says: you are free to choose but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.
Everyday Magic is a Monthly Project for March 2017. You can read more about my projects for 2017 here.
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Three ways I shone this week: I want to be honest so here’s what I am going to say: I don’t feel like I am shining lately. I am still doing things that look like shining to others maybe. Like showing up for my kids day in and day out. Being bold at work. Trying to take a bit better care of myself. Reading a lot. Etc. Etc. but the fact is I know how I feel and what I look like and who I am when I shine. I know what shining means to me. I know what I wanted to have my life look like when I chose the word shine. I know what I wanted to show up in the world as, when I am shining. And I am not there. I am not doing it. I am not feeling it. I am not being it. I don’t want to pick three ways this week. I know I have small ways in which I shone. I know. I know. But choosing this word, for me was not just about remembering that I do shine in many ways each day (though this is an important reminder too and that’s why I do note the 3 ways each week.) it was more about moving towards a life when I am being my shiny self. I am showing up in the world fully. Fully me. My best self. My unapologetic self. My broken self. My human self. All of me. I feel like I haven’t been doing this. Part of it is about setting expectations a certain way of course. When I set the bar really high, I am bound to fall off again and again and disappoint myself in large ways. And keep having to restart (which I know is often the hardest part.) But part of it is also knowing who I am, owning who I am, and also owning who I am not (along with who I don’t want to be.) And stopping the practice of measuring myself against the versions of me I don’t want to be. Ceasing to give myself crap about ways in which I fail to be a person I don’t even care to be. I hope this makes sense to some of you. I do this all the time. I give myself a hard time for not being more social, more of a “playdate” mom, more ambitious at work, doing more with my kids, being a runner, being more involved at the kids’ schools. i can go on and on and on. The fact is, none of these things are things I want to be. I love my work and am passionate about doing a good job and of course I want to be recognized for my hard work but I don’t want to be a VP at the cost of what that would take away from other parts of my life. I don’t really want to socialize. I would like to have a handful of good friends I can rely on and I would love the same for my kids and that’s all I need. I hate playdates (It’s just a fact. Mostly due to the logistics they involve.) I do wish I did more with my kids but I am actually quite involved. I hate running. I wish I were more athletically inclined and I know that I could become this way given enough energy but that energy would have to come from somewhere and I am not at a place where I am willing to do what it takes for that to be possible. I am pretty involved at the kids’ schools and, given the option, I think they are reaching an age where it’s better for me to be involved with them and not the school. Though I’d like to stay involved to at least a certain level and I want to be careful about my choices of where and how to be involved. I know deep down that I don’t want to do these things that I judge myself for. I don’t want to be these people I measure myself against. And yet. I still find myself judging me. I still feel the unease of “not measuring up” each time I am around people who’ve made other choices. For me, part of “shining” is letting all this go. Being deliberate about who I want to be, the values I have, the choices I will make and then living my life honoring those choices. Fully. Unapologetically. Kindly. Wholly. I don’t want to feel bad anymore. I don’t want to feel guilty. I don’t want to feel less than some random ideal I measure against. And ideal I am not even striving for. All this guilt runs me down and then I am tired and cranky and I make bad choices when I am there. I eat badly, I yell, I contract. This is not my definition of shining. I want to expand. So. What do I do now? Well. Step one is owning it. This is where I am. I am beating myself up constantly. I am tired. I am worn out. I drink too much coffee because I am tired a lot. I am in pain, especially in my knees and I use that as an excuse to not exercise (not even for 6 minutes, mind you!) I eat badly which makes me more tired. I am worn out which makes me yell more. I feel like I have no time so I protect my “free” time like a madman. All I want to do is to read. All the time. So I am owning it. I am not happy with where things are. With who I show up as in the world. I also want to note that of course not everything is terrible. I am still working super hard. I am still showing up for all my responsibilities. I am still being kind to people and I do shining things every day. I am still eating plenty of good food. Not all is lost, of course. I just feel like I don’t want to go through the motions. I don’t want to tell you (me) the ways in which I shone this week when I feel like I am not really owning my word the way I would like to. Instead I’d like to start bringing about the change I wished to embrace by picking shine as my word. Even if it takes baby steps. So owning was #1, the reflection part, can’t fix something i don’t acknowledge. #2 is taking action. More on that on Monday’s post as I think about what I can do to get me there so I can live intentionally. I celebrate: having a quiet-ish week this week. it was lovely. I let go of: worrying about work and school. i don’t get to control either decision anymore. i just hope i’ve done my part well and that the universe will answer accordingly. Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love): I am going to skip this section, too. I think I need to make sure my action plan involves being specific with these core desires. Making room for them in my life intentionally. Thinking about what actions create these emotions for me and making a point of doing them. What made me laugh this week: I laughed a lot at a Carnegie Mellon event I went to on Tuesday night. It was lovely to be with my friend Manu for a while and lovely to get to talk about my wonderful college days. Here’s to a wonderful week eleven, here’s to rebooting!
I started my week with Small Admissions because I had nothing interesting checked out from the library and this was one of my purchases from Audible. It was sweet, light and it reminded me a lot of what last year was like when we were going through this admissions process. This year it’s just Nathaniel so it’s been a lot less crazy. Here’s to hoping we don’t have to do this again until college. I then decided to tackle Pachinko which was about to expire and I wasn’t sure I didn’t want to listen to it. I dragged myself through a lot of the book and started and stopped it many times but I finally persevered and I am so glad I did. I was very attached to the characters and even cried at the end of the story. This historical time was all new to me and I am really glad I read it. Since I was already crying I decided to pickup You Will not Have my Hate which I knew was about the man who’d lost his wife in the French terrorism recently. They had a little baby. I knew this story would be heart-wrenching and it totally was but it was also beautiful. Loved it. I was ready for something light so I picked up The Impossible Fortress which was a 7-day loan from the library so I read it all in one sitting. It was just my type of book. About the 80s, programming on a Commodore, funny, sweet, quirky. I love love loved it. What Light was also in my list of “about to expire” books from Overdrive so I decided to finish it while I could. It was a lovely little Young Adult story. Not as good as Asher’s previous book but I still enjoyed it. And finally, I was able to get Faithful out of the library and had no idea how much I was going to love this book. I did not want to turn it off. I loved the characters and though it didn’t feel like a a Hoffman story to me, it really really spoke to me and I am so very glad I read it. That’s it for this week. A wide mix but no non-fiction this time. Faithful was my 47th book of 2017. Books I Read this Week 2017 is a year-long project for 2017. You can read more about my projects for 2017?here.
And here we are, still not back on the path. I am doing better. I am taking it one day at a time. Forgiving myself and doing what needs to be done to reset each time. This journey is not easy for me and I am trying to be kind to myself about it. Mind:
Body:
I am hoping to report something different here next week. Soul:
As I work on assessing things this week, one of the areas I want to tackle is nourishment. What fills me up,what gives me energy, what depletes me, etc.
Nourish Me Week 2017 is a year-long project for 2017. You can read more about my projects for 2017?here.
Up until last week, my kids had never been to Disneyland. Or Disney-anything. When I was in sixth grade, my family went on this wonderful trip from Paris to New York to Orlando to Miami. It was a once-in-a-lifetime trip and I still remember it vividly. It was my first time in the United States. My first time in Disney World. And I loved every moment of it. My parents did a similar trip with my sister’s kids a few years ago but Nathaniel had just been born so I couldn’t join. Almost eight years later, I still hadn’t taken either kid to a Disney Park and I really wanted to change that. I really wanted to go myself. I still find it all magical. So I decided we would spend part of our Winter Break there. We drove down to Los Angeles and spent one day in Disneyland and one day at Universal Studios. It was an insane amount of walking and standing and just a lot of chaos in 48 hours but we did it! David liked parts of Disneyland but on the whole preferred Universal. Nathaniel liked Harry Potterland and some of the rides at Universal but on the whole liked Disneyland better because it had a lot more rides. So I feel it was worth going to both (for our family.) I wish I’d gone when the kids were a bit younger and might have found it a bit more magical. I will say that the highlight for both of the kids was the Electric Light Parade at the end of the Disneyland day. So there’s some magic left in both of them after all. Here are some other photos from our adventure:
Stories from 2017 is a year-long project for 2017. You can read more about my projects for 2017 here.
Weekly Intention: This is actually a pretty ordinary week here. I haven’t had one of those in a while. I have a lot of meetings and long days but only one trip to work, one trip to D’s school and just one evening event. As close to “routine” as it gets around here lately. There are some must-do things I have this week, like perf but otherwise, I don’t have a huge number of obligations. I’d like to do two things this week. One is to get back into routine a bit with eating healthier food and exercising regularly and going outside to take walks, and also sleeping more. And the next is to take stock. As I was mentioning in the reflection yesterday, I feel like it’s time to do a bit of stepping back, assessing where things are, and figuring out what I would like to do next. Both at work and at home. What are some of the things I’d like to do more of at work, or differently, etc, to make sure I have more impact and I am doing what’s most important to do. I don’t want to do things for the sake of doing. At home, I’d like to think more about how I’m using my time. With the kids, with my husband, and alone. Am I doing what matters most to me? Given 1,000 free hours, what would I like to spend it on? Over the course of this year, I will have had more than 1,000 free hours and I want to make sure I did spend them honoring my values. This month’s intention is: Rain or Shine: March is a tough month. You often feel like giving up in March. It feels too long. But it’s not. Keep going, You’re doing great. Remember that the trick is to just show up. Keep showing up. I am showing up to a college event this week. I am traveling to Seattle for work at the end of the week. I am showing up. Ways to Shine this week:
I am looking forward to: being done with perf. This week’s challenges: writing perf. tuesday night possibly. but mostly making sure i take the time to take stock. Top Goals:
I will focus on my core desires (bold, mindful, nourish, love) by: stepping back and assessing my year so far. my day to day. how can i introduce more boldness, mindfulness, nourishment and love into my minutes? This week, I will say yes to: letting go. This week, I will say no to: filling up time. i will cancel all unnecessary meetings. I am worried that: i won’t do the assessment. or i will and i will really be disappointed in myself/the results. i won’t exercise or eat well even though it’s more of a routine week. i will disappoint my family. i will continue not to reply to emails. i will not finish perf. i will not get enough rest. This week, I want to remember: that i get to show up and do my best each day and that’s all i can do. and that i get a new day each morning and i can start again. and that it will all be ok.
Three ways I shone this week:
I celebrate: my bold step above I let go of: iterating more and more. now it’s not in my hands. Core Desire Check-in (bold, mindful, nourish, love):
What made me laugh this week: lots of lovely moments at work. Here’s to a wonderful week ten! We are already on the tenth week of the fifty-two week year!! |
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