These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.

So here’s my day twenty-seven – sweet.

(journaling below)

Journaling:
If I had to only eat one sweet thing my whole life, it would be chocolate. I can give up pretty much any other sweet. I’m not crazy about ice cream, cake, cookies, or candy, but give me chocolate any day of the week. I don’t care for chocolate cake or even hot chocolate, just the candy itself. Especially Nutella or the kind of chocolate that’s hard on the outside but soft on the inside. Just thinking about it right now makes me want to have some.

As part of my job, I now take regular business trips to the chocolate center of the universe: Switzerland. And I work at a place where we get lots of free chocolate and food. This combination, while sounding wonderful, often means I eat way too much chocolate when I am in Zurich. I, of course, bring a bunch home, too so I end up continuing to eat too much chocolate for another week after I am back.

Since I have so many issues around food and my weight, this love of chocolate is always such a struggle. I can never truly, deeply enjoy the chocolate when I am eating it, because, if not during, certainly moments after I finish the chocolate, I feel a huge wave of guilt. I immediately chide myself for making bad choices and not having willpower. Which then makes me want to eat more chocolate. And on and on the circle goes.

My boys aren’t as crazy about chocolate as I am. David prefers candy over chocolate. He likes the sour or the gummy kind. Nathaniel likes chocolate but also likes candy. They both like cake, cupcakes, etc. But their favorite is ice cream. They love most kinds of ice cream so occasionally we walk from our house to Yogurtland and the three boys get ice cream. David prefers Mango and Tart ice cream with mochi and gummy bears for toppings. Nathaniel likes Oreo and RockPops ice cream and m&ms for toppings. They both like sprinkles, too. Jake usually gets different but mostly plain types of ice cream but he likes to add a lot of cookie dough. On the rare occasions I get some, I tend to stick to Coffee or the fruity flavors. Ice cream, like the chocolate, is also fraught with “I shouldn’t be eating this” thoughts for me so since I don’t love it anyway, I tend to stay away from it.

In general, I am much more a “savory” person than “sweet.” I prefer bread, cheese, rice, croissants. In Turkey, we have salty baked goods and those are often my favorite. The one and only exception is chocolate. My sweet of choice.

These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.

So here’s my day twenty-five – 7:30PM.

(journaling below)

Journaling:
Today was an important day for David. Something he worked very hard towards and hopefully a big milestone for him. He was brave and graceful and mature. And I am so very proud of him. So today’s 7:30 is slightly different than usual.

7:30pm is quiet around here. On week nights, Nathaniel goes to bed around 6pm and I snuggle up and read to him. We just finished Because of Winn-Dixie and started Bliss. We generally read for 10-15 minutes and he then goes to sleep. David gets to stay up a bit later but he’s in bed at 7pm with lights out by 7:30pm.

On most weekdays, I have 5 or 5:30am meeting so I go to bed early myself. Lately, I’ve been going to bed early with some tea and a small bar, and my ipad. I listen to my audiobook and play CandyCrush or I read, depending on my mood. I will then lie in bed for an hour or even more and turn the lights off between 9 and 9:30pm. Even with that, I don’t often get the full eight hours of sleep I need.

On weekend nights, Nathaniel still goes to bed about the same time. He likes to make sure he’s sleeping before it’s dark out. David gets to stay up until 8pm, so he might be in his room reading or downstairs, hanging out with me as we both read.

Tonight, he gets to say up as late as he wants. Jake’s in the city, listening to a speech by Justice Breyer so, David’s been sitting next to me, playing me wonderful songs from his Spotify as I write this. In a little while, we’ll sit side by side and read. There’s nothing that makes me feel as content as sitting next to my kids and reading while they read, too. I get to experience this with David regularly and it makes me so happy. I am looking forward to getting to do it more with Nathaniel too as he discovers and expands his passion for reading.

Before I took the job with the Zurich team, I used to go to sleep a few hours later and
even though I would call myself a night person, I’ve grown to love this new schedule.
And even though waking up when it’s dark is tough, feeling productive and accomplished by 10am is a wonderful feeling.

I am off to spend more time with my wonderful son. Here’s to many more nights together.

These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.

So here’s my day twenty-three – hair.

(journaling below)

Journaling:
One of my earliest memories about my hair is sitting in the car with my mom and telling her that I didn’t want to have short hair anymore and I wanted to grow it out. I was in the fifth grade and I didn’t cut it again until after college. Small trims here and there but I didn’t cut my hair again until I was in my mid-twenties.

And then one day, I chopped it all off. At the time, it felt so liberating that I decided to have fun with it. I dyed it different colors from blonde to red to black during the next few years. I had a few years where I was getting more and more blonde. And because I got married during this period, in all my wedding photos I am blonde. Which is so weird to look at, now.

A few years later, when I was teaching in the Bronx, instead of working on Wall Street, it became really expensive and time consuming to keep dying my hair so I went back to dark and never looked back. And then I slowly started growing my hair out again. Not purposefully but just little by little.

Even though I’ve had gray hairs since I was seventeen, I had never been so great at taking care of my hair or making sure I dyed it regularly. In the last two years, I’ve found a hairdresser I love so I’ve been much more consistent with trying to take care of myself. She has also started lightening the bottom of my hair to give it more of a layered color and softer look. My hair is long again. In fact, I am almost back to where I was in my twenties. And I will admit that I love it.

I feel like long hair is a part of my identity and I’ve had long hair for so much of my life that it’s become one of the things I envision myself as when I think of who I am and what makes me, me. Of course, there might come a time when it’s no longer appropriate or convenient and when that time comes, I will do whatever I feel is right. Jake still hopes that I will go back to being blonde again one day.

Maybe at one point, I will cut it short and go blonde all at once. One can never tell. But, for now, I am really enjoying where I am and how my hair looks on its good days. Yet another small, but lovely thing to be grateful for, today.

These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.

So here’s my day twenty-two – heart.

(journaling below)

Journaling:
My heart has been tender lately. I think all the work involved with David’s middle school process has me thinking about the future and how our lives are about to change as he moves into a new school and starts a new step in his own journey. And about how it’s becoming more and more his journey as he gets older and has to walk through some paths by himself.

I also have been thinking about the future. Near and far. How our day to day life will change next year. How we will have to work out a collection of “new normal”s. How it will all change all over again when Nathaniel goes to middle school, too. What this means for us. For our family. For Jake and me. For our routines. For my job.

I can go for hours spiraling through all these thoughts and even though I am keenly aware that worrying or stressing won’t actually solve anything, I can’t seem to stop my mind from from spinning.

One of the things I’m trying to learn as I get older is that as I work on trying to change and improve, I also want to embrace who I am. There are many parts of me that aren’t perfect, and never will be. And that’s true for all of us. But life (and change) is much easier when I learn to let go and forgive myself for all that I am not and embrace myself for all that I am.

Yes, I worry about things I shouldn’t. Yes, I stress too much. But I also care a lot. I give my whole heart to everything I do and everyone in my life. I love with all my being and I feel all my feelings. I am loyal to the end. I work hard to be kind every single day.

What makes me caring and kind is the same thing that makes me anxious and worried. I don’t think it’s possible to drop one without also losing the other. This is me. This is who I am. I care. I worry. I love. I get tender. It all goes hand in hand.

So instead of judging myself and scolding myself for how I feel, I will just be patient with myself. I will give myself the grace I need. The kindness I give to the ones I love. And I know that, as with each thing, this, too, will pass. I will move through it. We will get to the next phase with its ups and downs and we will adjust as needed. We will find our new normal and life will be magical. It always is.

These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.

So here’s my day twenty – path.

(journaling below)

Journaling:
I’ve always known what I wanted my path to be. I knew early on that I wanted to move to America. I knew early on that I wanted to study computers. I even knew early on that I wanted to work from home one day. On the surface, it looks like I am living the life I’ve always planned for myself.

And yet when I look around and pause to notice my life, I am blown away by how it’s turned out. How I made my way to this magical place, at this magical time, with these magical people. I am blown away by the magic that is my life.

I am also finally old enough to understand that life is not a straight line. Nobody really gets to go from Point A to Point B in their lives. Most of us meander around. Even though this idea traumatizes the part of me that wants to control exactly how things work out, it also calms me down. It helps me remember that all we get to do is show up, do our very best, and then the rest unfolds as is does. We have a lot less say in the path than we think we do.

The path I followed here was filled with hard work and tears at school, tough times at work, friendships that didn’t last and ones that made it through, managers that inspired and bosses that can’t even be described by words. Moments of sheer happiness and deep despair. Different cities, different lives, different hopes.

But always the one wonderful man. Jake’s been by my side for 21 years, now. More than half my life. He’s such a major part of my path. And I hope that he gets to be the one I share the rest of my path with as well.

In the last few months, I’ve been pondering my path a lot. A year from now, David will be going to a different school. How will that change our lives? Five years from now, will Nathaniel join him in the same school? Will I still be working at Google? How will Jake’s company be doing? Will we still be in California? What will I be doing?

All of these questions seem unanswerable to me. I feel panicky at not knowing what the future might bring and whether we will be ok. But then I remember that we do it one step at a time. And that’s all we get to do. So I show up, and take my next step and I hope for the best.

These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.

So here’s my day eighteen – fear.

(journaling below)

Journaling:
When I look at the word “fear” it doesn’t speak to me that much. I guess I always link it with being “afraid” like in horror movies. I always categorize myself as someone who’s very worried as opposed to afraid. I don’t know if there’s a difference there since the things I worry about are what other people might classify as fears but, to me, that word just feels wrong.

Regardless of what one might call it, fears or worries, I definitely have plenty of them. Generally most of my worries are around not being able to be enough for the people around me. I worry about not doing enough for my kids or husband. Not being able to always do just the right thing to meet all their needs. To make sure they can always feel how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I constantly fear disappointing them.

I also spend a lot of time worrying about belonging. I’ve never really felt a sense of belonging as a kid and there are still many, many moments in my life where I feel like I am just “not like the others” (in a bad way) and I often feel really sad about this. I wish it was much easier for me to feel belonging. With this, I also worry about abandonment. I want to make sure the people I love stick around. I want them to love me. I don’t worry about being alone as much as I worry about being without the people I love.

I also have plenty of practical fears. Fears around not being able to take care of my family financially. Not being able to send my kids to the schools they want to go to. Not being able to give my kids what they want or need in life. Not being able to keep my job. Not being able to get the tasks on my list done. On and on.

I think it’s fair to say that I spend a lot of my time worrying. I try hard to do whatever’s needed along the way so fear doesn’t paralyze me but it definitely gets in the way of my happiness. It makes it so I can’t enjoy the moments of my life. It makes it so I am never sure if I can really just let go and be right here, right now. It makes it so that I am always planning for the next step and making sure everything is scheduled and planned.

It’s as if by organizing and worrying, I can predict how the future will turn out. As if I can control the outcome and guarantee something positive. Of course, I know that this is not possible but that knowledge doesn’t stop me from trying. Or worrying. This is something I work on every single day because it’s the biggest impediment to my peace.