I tend to have an obsessive personality. I also rely on numbers heavily in my life. These two things combined make for a bad combination when it comes to trying to lose weight.
I have one scale that’s sitting in the kids’ bathroom and I never ever use it. Since the beginning of this journey, I have been weighing myself using the Wii Fit once a week. Wednesday mornings. This Wednesday, when I got on the fit, it told me that I‘d gained 0.4lbs. Then I did it again and it told me I lost 0.7lbs. I was so confused that Thursday morning, I did it again and this time it looked like I’d lost only 0.2lbs and then it said I gained a bunch and I just gave up. I know it’s typical for a scale to move around throughout the day but all of these were in a row so it just goes to show you that even the way you stand can cause shifts in your weight. Also shows that it’s best not to obsess.
So the way I decided to calm myself down is by looking at this BMI chart. Look at the those dots sloping down over the last few months. That’s when I started this journey and there’s no doubt that it’s working. Regardless of what the scale says each week, this is what matters.
and here’s this week’s card:
Healthy for Life is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.
Happy Thursday everyone! I had a quiet day and one with few photos so I will keep this short. Here’s the little boy playing. And me screaming loudly to get his attention.
And finally he looks.
And here’s David playing (and me screaming loudly to get his attention.)
And finally a “let’s just get this over with” smile
And there we go. Tonight is more journaling, some art, some preparing for tomorrow. Tomorrow I have the day off. I will be playing with my kids, packing, folding laundry and packing up my layouts and then in the evening I am of to Los Angeles, if all goes well. I have a long todo list but all small stuff so I have faith most will get done and that whatever doesn’t get done will not be essential.
Let’s hope i am right.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I spent time trying some clothes on today to ensure I have stuff to wear since I would have stressed if I left that to tomorrow (last minute).
2. I am grateful for some quiet time tonight. I hope to spend it organizing for the trip so that tomorrow can go smoothly and I can spend most of my free time just playing with the boys.
3. I am grateful for faith today. For people’s faith in other people and for taking a leap. I took one today and I am hoping the other person will take it with me. I am grateful no matter what.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that Ms. Merk has extra snacks in the class (he ate an apple extra today) {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that I played some games on the phone.
3. I am grateful that I played batman with julian today
So as I explained last week, I stopped painting my portraits. And I’ll start by saying I am sorry the photos aren’t great quality, I need to rush less and take more time taking higher quality photos.
Having said that I love slowing down and taking more time to draw the faces.
I am trying to experiment with shading and different shapes.
I can see where I struggle and where I need much more practice.
But I am enjoying the process. I am trusting that things will get better, even if slowly. I am ok with that. I think each medium is hard and challenging on its own. I want to do the charcoal/shading first. Experiment with different eye, nose, mouth, face shapes. Different shading. Master all of that. Then move on to paint. One step at a time.
Six Portraits a Week is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.
As you already know, I’ve been taking Stephanie Lee’s class Shifting Ground. This class has been amazing. Which does not surprise me one tiny bit. Her previous class which I took in 2009 was also amazing. She has an incredible way with words. She is able to put my feelings, thoughts, worries into succinct and eloquent words. On Monday, she posted a long entry about the importance of regular journaling. Towards the end, she had a section about how some people worry that their journals will be found and read and if they write mean things, it might hurt the reader’s feelings. Here are some of Stephanie’s words (excerpted with permission):
If the people in your lives have doubts about your relationship with them and then they catch wind of you keeping a journal that you don’t want them to read, they will WANT to read it. Not because they care about what you’ve written as much as they want to know what is real and they want to know if their fears are real. No one wants to be in relationships that are uncertain even if you have no real problem with them in particular.
When I read these words, I was immediately taken aback by how true they were. I suffer from a lot of insecurity related to my relationships with other people. Because of my personal feelings of low self-worth, I tend to always assume that people aren’t really interested in being in my life but that they’re “putting up with me” for one reason or another. I am constantly paranoid that they are in the brink of walking out or they are talking behind my back. A good twenty years ago, I had people in my life like that. But back then I was a teenager and so were they. I notice lack of integrity (especially when it comes to friendships and popularity) is quite high during those years. And yet, despite many years of solid friendships, I still find myself paranoid, insecure, and scared. I feel uncertain in so many of my relationships. And even in my marriage sometimes. Mostly because I am so used to living with the worry of being left that I can’t imagine a world where someone wants to stay with me out of choice.
Stephanie then continues to say:
Live your life as transparent as possible. Reaffirm your commitment to those you love in your actions, words, and energy. They will trust that and be less concerned with the details of how you are able to maintain it. Let your demonstration of love – both for them AND yourself – be so strong and solid that there will be no room for them to doubt that what you are writing isn’t damning to them.
And this is exactly what I asked Jake to do for me this year. To be really honest and open. To spell things out for me that might seem superbly obvious to him. To let me know that he forgives me when I mess up. To assure me that he’s choosing to stay with me. I know this must seem sad to have to do after sixteen years of being together but it’s nothing to do with him or our marriage. It’s related to my personal fears and state of mind about life. I love what Stephanie said and I know for a fact that I am not the only person out there who is insecure in this way.
I took these words to heart and decided that I wanted to be better about my relationships, too. I want to make sure I am committed to the people I love with my words, actions and energy. I want to make sure my children, my husband, my friends know without a shadow of a doubt that I am committed to them and that I love them. I want to make sure there’s no room for doubt. There’s no reason to worry. There’s nothing but the strength of our bond. (And I love that she mentions love of oneself as well. I definitely need to work on that one.)
Even if it turns out they’re not insecure like I am, I cannot imagine anything but good coming out of this vow.
Thank you, Stephanie, once again for the weight and value of your words. Here’s to strong demonstrations of love and commitment.
I’ve been really slow this whole week. Operating well below capacity. I am guessing it’s cause my body, mind, and creative self all need rest after the last few weeks of constant work work work. I spent a lot of last night and this morning journaling and doing art for soul restoration. These classes are truly amazing for me right now. Even Misty’s class where I am not doing the art work, I am doing the journaling and it’s shifting things for me. Each page of journaling has been a revelation, an advice, a shift. It’s quite astounding and such a gift. I’ve been working on forgiveness a lot too. Especially forgiving myself. I am often hardest on myself.
I noticed today that now more than ever I’ve been working on myself. With the exercise and food, I’m working on my body, and with the classes and journaling I’m working on my soul and my creative self. I’m really trying to stretch, grow, forgive, let go. So far, so good for January. Making progress in a way that feels good. Feels rewarding. Feels new.
About 48 hours before I leave for LA. Trying to enjoy every moment with my little ones. Nathaniel’s been playing and quietly exploring. He says more and more words each day.
He knows which remote is for which machine and grabs the right one depending on his requests. Quite amazing how my kids will not even know the concept of having to wait until a certain time to watch a program. They get to grow up with DVR.
I asked David for a photo but Blue’s Clues was more enticing.
And then he laughed at me but I got to snap one in the meantime.
Nathaniel watching TV while sucking his thumb and holding his blanket. David writing his gratitudes.
Look at those toes! Oh the amount of noise I had to make to get him to look at me.
Tonight’s date night! I already did my portrait to ensure it wouldn’t crowd my mind and we could have a good time together. Some fun movie. Even though we don’t get to go out until later than usual, I am really looking forward to time with just us and going out and being at the movies. All things I love.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I am going to LA in two days, I am looking forward to seeing some good friends.
2. I am grateful for date night!
3. I am grateful for my kids. Today, for a few minutes, Nathaniel sat in front of me and ate some grapes with me. I got to smell his neck and hair and give him tons of kisses. I love him so deeply and really really feel blessed to get to kiss him so much.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that my birthday is coming up {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that I got two new games for the phone.
3. I am grateful that Daddy’s home! (Aren’t we all? we love it when daddy comes.)
I was saving this CHA layout for after the show but since Margie shared this one on her blog, I am assuming it’s ok to share. This is one of The Girls’ Paperie work I made for the show.
Journaling Reads:
This year, more than any other, I am ready to embrace my word. I am ready to let go of my past. My ideas of who I can be and who I am and embrace a free and open future. Ready to be anything I choose. Anything I wish. Ready to fly free. 2011.
All products are from The Girls’ Paperie Vintage Whimsy or Mix and Match lines.
Details:
The Imperfectionists is a short story collection where all the stories are linked. They are all about different individuals working at the same newspaper. I don’t usually pick short-story collections but I’ve loved some over the years and they’ve consistently been the ones where the stories were linked somehow.
I tried to read this on my own a while back but didn’t really get into it. And then it was the book club pick for February so I read it anyway. And I really enjoyed it. Some stories more than others but overall I really liked the book. The characters are interesting and the stories are, too.
Recommended.
I honestly cannot even remember this morning. I took David to the bus, came home and then rushed back out to the TMJ doctor. Then I came back and did work, put Nathaniel down, exercised, did work. Nothing interesting.
I got my third lesson for Soul Restoration and I have to say each week I’ve been trying to play with paint, do textures etc but I always end up scrapping those. I dislike what I did. I feel inadequate like it’s a mishmash of crap. I cannot seem to turn off the conversations in my head. Which is why I go back to fabric or paper. Seems safer, less messy, harder to screw up. I look at her painting (and others’) with awe and wish I could do it too. And yet, I seem to be missing that gene.
The little boy spent some time looking through my soul restoration journal today.
I think he liked what he saw.
Then he played with his beloved stickers.
And let me take a nice photo.
So did David, one nice one…
Before all the crazy, silly, fun ones.
Tonight’s a lot of journaling. I find the journaling is really, really helping me so I am going to do more and more of it until it becomes more second nature, more something I’m making the time for. And then if I have time leftover, I will do my soul restoration art work.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I am taking the time to journal and do my homework. I am learning a lot about myself and really appreciating these classes so much.
2. I am grateful that I am finally seeing a doctor about my TMJ and getting some help and things are improving. Really grateful for that.
3. I am grateful for the quiet week I’m having. This week is low on commitment and engagements. It’s giving me time to rest and recuperate.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I got stamp with a dog on it at school {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that I played on the phone.
3. I am grateful that wilfin gave me a pencil
Today’s page was week two’s homework for the Soul Restoration class.
This is a representation of the timeline of my life. I will be turning 37 this year and this goes up to 40. Each row is 10 years. There are many sentences and markers. Black is for the hardest times in my life. Grays are for the not-so-great times. Colors mixed with gray are times when there was a mixture of really good and not so great. And the textured wallpaper one is for times when it was overall good but had some roughness day-to-day. Reds are love and children. That’s about it. It all means stuff to me of course but no need to explain step by step since it would be meaningless to most people here.
However, I wanted to talk about some of the interesting things that came up for me when I did this exercise:
1. If you look carefully, you’ll notice that the “really bad stuff” is less than 10% of my life. I am blessed to have never really suffered to anything terrible in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of sorrows, shitty friends, broken hearts, rejections, etc. When I was little, my parents got divorced and I took it quite hard. But, they got back together and remarried each other and are married to the day. Wonderfully, I might add. I’ve never lost anyone to a grave illness or really even out of order. I’ve lost my paternal grandfather very young but he passed before I was born. My maternal grandfather died younger than he should have but he wasn’t young. My paternal grandmother just died last year at the age of 92. She was probably the closest person to me who died. I’ve been blessed to never suffer from real abuse of any kind (small case here, i’ll admit but I’ll talk more about this later.) I’ve never been assaulted, robbed, in debt, homeless, hungry. I’ve never suffered from a grave illness or had a close family member who did. I’ve never had to truly hide my identity or beliefs. As I mentioned, I’ve had rougher moments and I’ve worked really really hard in my life, but I’ve also been truly lucky and blessed. And yet, I often live my life like I’ve survived a tragedy. I feel a bit broken inside. I have abandonment issues. I feel undeserving and not enough. I am insecure. I worry constantly about losing my kids, husband, job, anything really. And yet, I have no reason to. Life’s been wonderful to me, and it’s time I start being grateful for it. It’s time I shed the victim mentality. This page shows it to me in black and white. I have much so much to be grateful for. Time to wake up.
2. I’ve also noticed that most of the “bad things” are things I’ve dragged on longer than they needed to. If you look at the last 25 years of my life, the first black is a relationship that wasn’t working and yet I simply wouldn’t walk away. I refused to let it go and I waited until it reached a breaking point. The second one is TFA where I drained every single bit of myself before I let myself walk away. Both of these times could have been at a minimum lighter gray. And yet I pushed the situation until it reached a bad point. I can stop myself from doing that next time by recognizing that I have a tendency not to admit defeat when a situation is obviously bad for me. Defeat is not always bad. Sometimes it’s better to walk away.
3. The last bad thing that happened to me “without my control” was over 25 years ago. The last really gray time was 20 years ago. I need to stop clinging to those things. It’s been a long time and it’s ok to let it go now. I have friends now. People like me and people love me. I can stop clinging to that time and the sadness that surrounded me then. I can be happy now. It’s ok to let it go. It’s ok.
4. I tend to go through periods of flurry of activity and often times even the good periods come with some rough moments. This is expected and normal. The rough times last a lot shorter than they seem.
5. There are rougher times that are there for a reason. Four years ago, I worked really really hard for two years. I mean really long days, for a long time. But it paid off, it’s how I was able to establish the trust and groundwork that led me to be able to work from home now. That’s when I was putting the seeds in so that I could collect them now. Just like I am doing it with exercise now. Working really hard so I can reap the benefits later.
6. I am most definitely in the golden period of my life. I feel more like I’m thriving than I ever felt. I feel more in my element than I’ve ever felt. It’s time to celebrate that and push it even further. Time to use that strength to let the past rest. Give myself permission to let it go and to know that if I lay all this burden down, things will be ok. It is no doubt that rougher times will come. These things are cyclical for sure. So I might as well truly enjoy these moments. Appreciate them, make the most of them. And when the rougher times come, remember to make sure I don’t drag them out and make them worse than they need to be.
I have a lot more thoughts that came up this week. I hope to write about them more but these ones were all directly tied to the timeline art. Isn’t it amazing how much you can realize about your life with one piece of art?
Details:
Weekly Art Journal is a weekly project for 2011. You can read more about it here.
Lovely start of mostly rest and journaling this morning. Nathaniel decided that 3am was a great wake up time and he was beside himself. I tried to calm him down and finally once Jake was up for the day (4am) I took him to our bed. It took him another 45 minutes to calm down and fall back asleep. At six am the alarm went off and while he slept peacefully for another hour I made David’s lunch, breakfast, and read to him. So I decided taking it easy the rest of the morning was ok for Mommy. I then worked while Nathaniel sat in his bed and didn’t nap. Finally I gave up, I took him out, exercised, gave him lunch and put him back down and went back to work. Late nap meant I had to wake him up to go get David. And so he was cranky. But that’s just how some days roll here.
When we came back home, I finally snapped some photos.
My handsome boy.
And the super-sweet one.
Who has my heart wrapped around his finger.
And then we read more while David ate his veggies. After that he was allowed to play on the phone.
And Nathaniel got his own phone and walked around in circles while the phone played music. Laughing all the while..
And I spent some time making truth cards.
Now the kids are eating and I am reviewing my May class at BPC. We will be rerunning the Telling Stories Deeply class. So if you’ve been wanting to take it, it’s coming up. Likely for the last time I’m guessing. Then I have some posts to write, some more truth cards to make, and my portrait to draw of course. After I finish all that, I get to reward myself with some Misty Mawn videos.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I finally did some truth cards. I don’t know why I am overcomplicating them so much. I keep thinking they need to be pieces of art. They just need to be done. The point is the message, not the art.
2. I am grateful that I actually made it through the day without a lot of pain. I was worried that a night of so little sleep would mean a terrible day. It wasn’t so, thankfully.
3. I am grateful for my husband. He is so incredibly nice to me on so many levels and helps with the kids so much and he is my best friend. And I am a lucky lucky lucky girl.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that I got a Pokeman book from the library {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful that I played on the phone.
3. I am grateful that i read my book at school and my friends sat with me while i read
This is a Maya Road layout for CHA. All products are Maya Road except the little letters from Making Memories.
Journaling Reads:
My wonderful son, you are going to be six in a month and I am continually amazed by how incredible you are. You read so well and you’re kind and loving with your brother and patient and generous with me and you love to play with legos ad use your imagination. I have no idea what I did to deserve you but I am so grateful and I cannot wait to have another year together.
Details:
I started the morning by preparing my February newsletter and digital downloads. Here’s where I tell you once again, you can sign up for my newsletter on the right side of my blog. You get one email on the first of the month with exclusive free downloads. That’s it.
While I worked, Nathaniel played with a recent obsession. This monitor isn’t hooked up on the other side which means when you turn it on, it just beeps. nonstop. Makes you want to cry pretty much immediately. But, alas, the little boy loves it. Ugh.
Then I setup our family shoot. Which I tested and went through all of these. Me with the clicker, Nathaniel wanting it, and going all drama when he can’t have it and finally grabbing it and happy. Yep, happens each time.
Then started the family fun.
A ton of laughter.
I love these shots.
Then Jake went biking with David (which didn’t go so well).
And Nathaniel was very upset about being left behind.
David’s school is having 100th day on February 2nd and we’re supposed to do a collection. David suggested we punch butterflies. So we did and it turned out quite wonderful.
And when Jake came back home, he played with Nathaniel and the stickers while I scrapped.
After I was done, we had family night where we played a dino math board game. It was a lot of fun despite Nathaniel’s multiple breakdowns. And then the kids went to bed and I did some drawing and photo processing. The plan for tonight is more drawing and then replying to emails cause I still haven’t done that. I am pathetic, I know.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that it was a calming and productive weekend. A lot of revelations. Some art. Some scrapping. A lot of family time and exercising and reading. Just perfect. Especially since the next three weekends promise to be too hectic.
2. I am grateful for family night. I always have so much fun and enjoy my family so much.
3. I am grateful for a short week this week. I will try to work extra hard because I am leaving for LA on Friday and I want to get a ton of work done before I leave.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that mommy got some new games for the phone {* his pick for the journal}
2. I am grateful for family night.
3. I am grateful that we did the butterflies.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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