Journaling Reads:
I’ve struggled to create an art journal for four years. I always seem to start it but never finish one. I always find a way to talk myself out of it. To be critical or make it feel unimportant.
But the thing that’s great about art journals is that they are not meant to be perfect. They are expressions of emotion. They are for trying out ideas. For experimenting. When you experiment, you will often fail, that’s the point.
And the idea of doing something purely for fun, purely for trying out ideas inspires me. That’s the only reason I keep coming back to the journals. The reason I keep trying time after time. And the reason I will never give up on it.
What inspires me almost as much is took look at other people’s journal pages. Their boldness, uniqueness, the expression of emotion always blows my mind. Makes me want to be bold. Makes me want to stop anything else I might be doing, grab some paint and play.
I didn’t grow up in the United States so Thanksgiving has never been a big holiday for me but over the years it’s become a wonderful way to spend some family time and remember everything we’re grateful for and today was no exception. It started like most mornings with the little one walking around in his PJs.
But then we took out the Christmas tree which I planned to setup after the meal. This is the first year we’re using the fake tree and it comes prelit. Nathaniel loved it. We all just sat around and relaxed as Nathaniel napped (or didn’t nap.)
And some of the grownups napped too.
While others played and read. (David’s nose was bleeding.)
I’m determined to be in the photos more so I asked my dad to snap a photo.
And then I asked Jake to take one of me and my parents.
Then we sat to dinner. And amazingly I can never get a good Thanksgiving dinner photo. It’s cause my lens is not wide-angle enough. I have to switch for the holidays.
David didn’t eat anything but green beans, rolls, and pumpkin pie.
And then there was Skype’ing with Jake’s parents.
When that was over, David helped me decorate the tree. And even Nathaniel did.
Before bedtime, our beautiful tree was up and running. Three cheers for Christmastime.
We didn’t get to the movies last night so we’re off right now! I hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful. If you’re not in America, I hope you still took the time to remember what you’re grateful for today.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that we put up our tree. I love it.
2. I am grateful that Jake’s ok. There was a small scare but I think we’re ok.
3. I am grateful for a wonderful, quiet day with tons of family time and no stress. Exactly how holidays should be.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. showing my ornaments to amore {* his pick for the journal}
2. helping mommy decorate the tree
3. playing with opapa
I read A Reliable Wife for my book club. It had been on my list at some point and I just couldn’t decide if it would be too boring a read. So when my book club picked it, I decided it was synchronicity and I sat to read it.
I read the whole thing in 24 hours. It was a super-fast read and an interesting one but I cannot say it was an amazing book. There’s one twist in the middle and I could totally guess it. Overall it was an ok read. A bit too much empty romance for my taste but I am not sad I read it.
Journaling Reads:
Even though you haven’t owned any pairs so far (or maybe that’s why) you are obsessed with putting on shoes. You will put on any that you see and try to walk around. Your favorites are of course David’s shoes cause they can be put on easily and do not weigh so much so you can walk around. I just wish you didn’t want to wear them inside the house so much. Though you do look so cute. I love you.
I am crossing my fingers, but I think we might be on the other side of this sleep thing. The little boy actually slept through the whole night. Me, I woke up at 4:30 am and could not go back to sleep but that’s something else altogether. Go Nathaniel!
My parents arrived safe and sound last night and I got to hang out with them for a bit. This morning, I did some scrapping, some working and some working out before they got here. Once they got here, there was the opening of the luggage full of toys.
Nathaniel grabbed one box immediately and when David took it back, there was much anger and screaming.
Which morphed into a full-on melt-down.
Until David got another box and gave the original back to Nathaniel.
And then we moved on and started playing with the toys.
I tried to sneak a photo of David in. Got the “here ya go” smile.
Nathaniel tried to master the pen.
And looked cute doing it.
Didn’t get enough photos of my parents, will do soon I promise. Now it’s dinner/bedtime and then Jake and I are off to date night. Yey!
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that my parents made it safe and sound. It’s so nice having them around and seeing them play with the kids.
2. I am grateful that my mom brought tons of clothes for Nathaniel, he had almost none and I hate shopping.
3. I am grateful that we get to go out tonight and then have a full family day tomorrow. Love love love family time.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. getting lots of toys {* his pick for the journal}
2. playing the cars game on my didj
3. playing with opapa (my dad)
This was made for a Crate Paper sketch contest two months or so ago.
Journaling Reads:
I’ve never had a boy who likes to suck his thumb before and even though everyone likes to warn me about future orthodontist and how I should start looking for cures. Cover it with something spicy but not harmful someone said. And you have managed to infect your thumb twice already which means medicine and gauze and lots convincing you to keep them on, it’s all a lot of a pain but when I watch you, I can see how it calms you down and makes you happy. So go ahead my boy, enjoy every moment of it. I love you.
I didn’t take nearly enough photos when I was in NYC. This is one of the few I took.
I’d like to say today was super-awesome with my new attitude but Nathaniel woke up 3 times last night and I was dead tired all day. I did a few of my todo list items, especially one big one but I still have a few dangling items I wish I could get to. I also have been thinking a lot about next year and my projects and my life in general etc. So that’s keeping me up at night too. Not in a bad way, just preoccupying my mind.
My little boys are being angels of course. Because that’s what they are.
David decided he was going to turn this box into a house and drew all the rooms in our house and the people in them etc. etc. Then explained it all to me for a good twenty minutes. Love this boy!
He then played with his Didj while Nathaniel napped and I worked.
After Nathaniel woke up, I worked out. My knee is still hurting and more than anything I am annoyed about it. I wish it would just go away and leave me alone now that I am finally working out. In the afternoon, they lounged around a bit while I worked. I love the way Nathaniel’s playing here:
And David played at sprout on the computer.
Then Nathaniel decided it was time to play with balls and convinced David to put this on.
I told David to throw the balls slowly and that Nathaniel couldn’t hold three at the same time. Alas, I was wrong.
And now they are eating and I am waiting for Jake cause I have to rush out to the hairdresser and then my parents will be here. I can’t wait to hug them!
I don’t know how many of you read my asides on the side of the blog but in case you didn’t see it, Tim Holtz decided to no longer have a design team and I just wanted to say that it was an amazing honor to design for him for as long as it lasted. I still remember the day I got the email from him and I was sure it was a prank. I hope you’ve enjoyed my layouts and thank you for all your kind words. I have more Tim stuff coming up and I will of course continue to use his amazing products on my work. Cause how could I not? He’s amazing. Thank you, Tim, for the opportunity.
And I also wanted to thank you for all your kind words about my pity party post. I really appreciate your kind words and will reply individually but I wanted to take the time here to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that we get a few days off work. I need it. I need to sit and relax and read and be with my family. I have two more projects and then I plan to sit and do nothing for a few days.
2. I am grateful that my parents will be here for a while. Not only is it awesome for me, for the kids, but it also means date night!
3. I am grateful for my kids again and again. They hugged so many times today that I almost cried. I adore them so deeply and am so thankful that they are in my life.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. making my box house
2. helping mommy by cleaning up {* his pick for the journal}
3. playing the cars game on my didj
I’ve spent the last week or two wallowing in self-pity, overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. I’ve been looking at other people’s blogs and yearning for their life. Their talent. Their poise. Their spunk. Their sense of calm. Their professionalism. Popularity. Their perfect pages. Amazing drawings. Fun personalities. I can go on and on.
I’ve learned over the years that my mood and sense of self can move in waves. When I am feeling good, I am optimistic, driven, energetic, and kind. But when I am on a negative cycle, I can be depressed, whiny and insecure. I can look at what’s around me and take the very best of others and line it up against the very worst of myself. Where there’s no chance I could ever measure up.
This is where I’d been lately. Even though I know jealousy and worry are completely wasted emotions, I was still unable to pull myself out of it. I looked at everything from a negative point of view. Someone would tweet or write a message about someone else and I would take it all personally. Make it about me and my shortcomings. I’d look for hidden messages in everything. I’d get bitter that so and so hasn’t written back to me yet and it must mean that they secretly hate me. On and on and on.
Two days ago, I was on the phone with my friend Tonya and whining to her about one of these concerns in my head. About feeling like life was just not fair to me. In a single sentence, she was able to change my perspective and allow me to look at my situation in a completely different way so that what I was sad about actually looked like a blessing. It was so simple and so obvious in retrospect but because I’ve been wallowing, I hadn’t seen it at all. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since because it’s the perfect example of the biased lenses I’ve been wearing for the last few weeks.
While her comment was helpful for that situation, it wasn’t enough to get me out of my pity-party. I was still feeling sorry that I wasn’t thinner, more talented, able to draw or write or do some of the millions of things I really wish I could. In the end, it’s really about being popular. Just like high school. Blogs, twitter, facebook are very much like high school to me. People link to each other and talk about each other and I sit there and watch them from the outside. On a sound day, I can tell it makes perfect sense that they talk to each other since that’s how I found them. One linked to the other cause they were friends. Then I follow both and then they talk about each other cause they’ve been friends all along. Before the internet this happened over the phone in the privacy of their homes. Now it happens in front of my eyes and I get to be a voyeur. I get to feel like an outsider all over again. Let me tell you the feelings that brings up…..not good ones.
Anyhow, back to my pity-party. Fundamentally, I was feeling sad about not being popular. Because as we all know, that’s the answer to everything. We all yearn to be loved and be worthy. How better to measure that than by all the numbers the internet gives you? My readers, my facebook friends, my twitter followers, there are numbers everywhere. And all they scream to me is: you are not enough. Not good enough. Not popular enough. Not loved enough.
Oh yes, it’s been that kind of a week.
or two.
And then this morning, I woke up and read this post by Amy about how she lost her father-in-law. But, as many of Amy’s posts are, it was eloquent and about so much more. Amy ends her post with these words:
People die. One day it will be my turn, and a last blessing of Kent’s passing is this feeling in me: get up. Do better. Experience more. Stop wasting time. Live.
And it was the kick in the rear I needed. It’s time to stop wallowing. Life’s short. It’s time to get up and do better. It’s time to dive into the things I want to do. Stop worrying about the popularity contests and invest into things more deeply. To the people I love and people who love me. To things I want to learn. Things I want to master. Ironically, I also realized I need to slow down. Just like it’s not about the number of people who like you, it’s not about the number of things I accomplish. It’s not about numbers at all. It’s not about quantity. It’s about quality. Deep, caring connection. True enjoyment and satisfaction. It’s not just about living fully and doing more. It’s also about living more deeply.
So, once again, I am choosing joy. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years of these cycles, it’s that it ends when I choose to end it.
This uses the November A Million Memories Kit and Jennifer’s sketch. It took forever to make it!!
Journaling Reads:
I must say that despite the challenges each day with your love and laughter feels full of joy and sunshine. Thank you for making my world brighter.
and I made a movie while I was making this one, too so you can see just how painful it was to do all those hearts:
I woke up this morning feeling rested for the first time in a long time but then I got cranky and whiny and just unmotivated to do anything at all. I am obviously in a mood lately and I wish I could snap out of it but I’ve learned from months of experience now that I just need to wait it out and it does go away. Cycle of life I guess.
At some point I decided to just bite the bullet and work hard and then workout and I was really glad I did. I have been worried that I was losing some of the hard work I’ve put into exercising since all I’ve done this last week was 1mile walks and they were tiring. But today I felt better so I walked for 2 miles and could probably have gone for a while longer. I am still trying not to force my knee so I go slowly but it was still good to do 2 miles. I will get my knee brace tomorrow and let’s see if that helps at all.
By early afternoon, I’d not taken any photos of the kids so I snapped some of the little boy while he tried to make a mess with the lego box.
He wouldn’t give me a smile but I still love these. I love his little hands. Soft hands. I love having him sit next to me on the couch and hugging him and smelling him. He’s growing up so fast. I love that he gets jealous when David hugs me so he cuts in to hug, too. I love that when David was lying on the floor today and I told Nathaniel to give him a hug, he walked over and lay on top of David to give him a hug. I love them so much.
i got a few of my older boy, too. Those magical blue eyes.
They can pierce my soul.
I’d promised David we could spend some time together after I finished my work. So I took a little break at the end of the day and colored with him. I did the girl and he did the boy.
The kids are eating and watching a little TV. I made my peace with the fact that there will be a bit more TV than usual around here for the holidays. Not a lot but a little more. That’s ok with me.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that my parents are coming tomorrow night. I haven’t seen them in too long and I miss them. I love them so.
2. I am grateful that I get my hair done tomorrow. I feel like changing it up but I am not sure how. Let’s see if she comes up with something.
3. I am grateful for a little perspective today. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately (more on this tomorrow) and several people have been giving me perspective which I sorely need lately.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. watching chloe’s closet
2. playing with nathaniel
3. coloring with mommy {* his pick for the journal}
Journaling Reads:
This is a common scene in our house: David doing something and you watching him, wishing you could do it too. On this day, he was outside having Daddy pull him around in the little red wagon. At first you were watching him with confusion and interest, not sure what you thought, but then you saw him smile and heard him laugh and it didn’t take you long to deduce he was having a lot of fun and within seconds your face was scrunched up and tears were running down your cheeks. This was the very best version of “It’s not fair!” you could display without speaking. There was much wailing and of course, Daddy heard you (along with all the neighbors, I’m sure!) so within minutes you were in the wagon with a big smile. You might not talk yet but you sure know how to get your way already.
I had big plans for today. I’ll admit it, most of my major to-do list items for the rest of they year are completed. And yet, I’ve been creating a bit of work for myself. Which is stupid. I know this and yet I can’t seem to stop myself. So I had a full plate for today, all of which went out the window when Nathaniel decided that 3am was a perfect time to wake up for the day. We’re on something like day twenty without a normal night of sleep. We had bad tummy, teeth, time change, drippy nose, etc, etc. Many excuses to wake up all over the place. But I am officially worn out. (Actually I was like a week ago.) and I need to find a way to work with him so he goes back to sleeping relatively normal hours.
Anyway, so I got up at 3am tried to get him to go back to sleep but there was a lot of yelling. He doesn’t cry, just screams. REALLY loudly. I then took him in my bed but to no avail. Around 4-4:30, I just gave up. And thus began our day.
I figured it meant nothing was going to get done today, so I actually got to work right away. I did some of the mindless work I had left from last night and then I did a bit more after David woke up and I fed the kids, etc. Despite the early wake up, Nathaniel was in good humors.
After I put the little boy down, I took a little nap on the couch while David colored. Then he played on his Didj for a while and talked about how good he is at it.
Here’s the “just take the photo so I can move on, Mommy” look.
And here’s a spunky one from Nathaniel.
And one more.
After lunch, I finally felt ok enough to do the treadmill. I’ve been taking it slow. My knee is still in pain so I am walking just one mile everyday. Which is definitely effecting my stamina because I was barely able to do it today. Then again, it could be getting only 3.5 hours of sleep. Anyway, I am still doing it even if a little.
The rest of the day was more craftiness, hugging and watching TV and just lying around, enjoying a quiet Sunday. I did end up accomplishing most of my to-do list and I even backed up my computer which is always a good good thing. Here’s to hoping the little boy actually sleeps past 5am tomorrow.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that Jake comes home tonight. Our life just doesn’t feel complete without him.
2. I am grateful that this is a short week at work. They tend to make me super-productive and I am hoping this one will not be an exception.
3. I am grateful for my aching muscles. While i don’t like the pain, they are a sign of the fact that I am still working out and working on becoming healthier. So they can ache as much as they want.
Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. watching sprout. {* his pick for the journal}
2. playing with my didj.
3. playing with my legos.
